No need to be Sly: These movies stink

Forget the Brat Pack movies and the campy sci-fi flicks. When it comes to picking the worst movies of the 80s, we cannot let this issue stand any longer:

What do we do about Sylvester Stallone?

I'm going to go out a ledge here and say I really like Victory and Rocky III. (I think I'm the only person in the world who owns "Victory" on DVD, and I still rip off my shirt and run around the room when Pele scores the tying goal against the Nazis with his bicycle kick.) But that's where the list of hits ends and the dark pit of despair begins.

So help rank these Stallone movies in order of smell:

FIRST BLOOD (1982): A nice idea for a movie. Too bad Stallone's thick foreign accent garbles all his lines. Wait a minute...

RHINESTONE (1984): Stallone and Dolly Parton. In a movie about country music. Need we say more? (OK, they fall in love too. Now, please go find the screenwriter's home and egg it.)

ROCKY IV (1985): The last time I paid to see a Rocky movie. The scene where Balboa wins over the evil Soviet crowd at the end is beyond pathetic. I say, "Bring back Mr. T!" Clubber Lang is the only boxer the Ruskies would have cheered for.

COBRA (1986): One movie critic called gave this movie a two-word review that my friends and I would use to name our punk-rock band in the late 80s: "Epic Trash."

OVER THE TOP (1987): "Sly, in this movie, you're going to play an arm-wrestling truck-driver named Lincoln Hawk. Your son hates you. Your father-in-law hates you. And probably all your fans will hate you." And yet he did it anyway.

TANGO & CASH (1989): Even Teri Hatcher and Jack Palance must be embarrassed to have co-starred along with Stallone and Kurt Russell in this cop/buddy disaster. As Palance's character says so truthfully: "Ah, the infamous Cash and Tango. ... such a shameful fall from glory."

Have at it. And don't forget: It's not too late to add more movies to the worst-movie list.

The biggest sins of Rob Lowe

As we march on toward collecting the ultimate list of worst movies from the 80s, we eventually find ourselves staring at one of mankind's greatest dilemmas:

What was Rob Lowe's worst movie of the 80s?

Don't get me wrong: Rob Lowe is the man. And it's easy to find a slew of great flicks from our favorite decade: Class and About Last Night are two movies that I consider must-owns for any true connoisseur of the 80s. But then there's also...

OXFORD BLUES (1984): The highly believable story of a Las Vegas hustler who buys his way into Oxford University, nearly steals away some English duchess and manages to avenge a decades-old rowing loss to Harvard. Such a cliche! Also features painfully forced performances by Ally Sheedy, Julian Sands and Cary Elwes.

ST. ELMO'S FIRE (1985): Again, we're forced to believe that Rob Lowe was not only accepted but also graduated from Georgetown University. (I should have applied!) A Brat Pack disaster that led one movie critic to exclaim: "The intolerable apotheosis of 80s youth-driven film-making."

YOUNGBLOOD (1986): Here's a pitch that should have shot down after a dozen words: "So we have this film where Lowe, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves are hockey players in Canada..." Oh no, don't worry, it has jokes too. Like the one where the hockey players shave each other's genitals.

ILLEGALLY YOURS (1988): This movie actually co-stars someone I graduated with from Countryside High School here in Florida ... Ira Heiden. Just bad timing for Ira and Rob, I guess, that the movie came out shortly after Lowe was arrested for videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl at the Democratic National Convention in Atlanta.

So I leave to you, 80s fans: Give me an order to the foulness of these four flicks. Extra points to anyone who can actually goes and rents them first. (I know Ira would appreciate it.)

Michael Jackson is 48

Whacko Jacko turns 48 years old today. Though the good news is most of his superficial body parts are only 10 to 20 years old. At this rate, his nose will be old enough to buy alcohol in another 11 years.

We've been tough on Jacko this year here at Stuck in the 80s, but it hasn't all been bad news for him:

• We named Thriller the best music video of the 80s;
• Our best podcast to date was basically a love-fest for his album Thriller;
• We did however find the time to mock the top 5 fiascos in his career;
• And of course, we all pondered the fate of his Neverland ranch.

Today, the only juicy scoop on the birthday boy is that Michael allegedly used to call his sister Janet by the nickname "Fat Butt" when they were growing up, which of course hurt her feelings. (It'd be years before Sir Mix-A-Lot would turn it into a compliment.) But ContactMusic.com reports Janet admits now that "Michael's taunts were probably the result of his own body 'issues'." You don't say.

Worst movies of the 80s

I'm feeling a little crabby. There's a hurricane headed toward us here in Florida, nobody liked my blog item about football movies, Comedy Central bleeped all the profanity out of the Roast of William Shatner and I'm all out of Diet Coke. This is no way to start a work week.

So it's time to take out a little frustration on poor little Hollywood again. We here at Stuck in the 80s like to glorify the movies of our favorite decade, but we're also the first to admit that for every innocent Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles there was a psychotic Molly Ringwald in Fresh Horses. Tom Cruise spices up Risky Business, but he stinks up the joint in Legend.

What we want from you is your list of worst movies from the 80s. As always, we'll add your recommendations to our list and soon hit you with the ultimate list of stink-bombs. (Check out our lists of worst songs of the 80s and best videos of the 80s for examples.)

A few suggested guidelines if you will: Sure, sequels naturally suck. Some entire franchises -- Porky's, Friday the 13th, Police Academy -- deserve to be on the list. Try to concentrate on the solo projects for extra points. Everyone hated Jaws: The Revenge. But it takes a really deranged studio exec to greenlight Yes, Giorgio.

It's easy and perhaps healthy to block out movies like Heartbeeps, Rhinestone, Leonard Part 6 and Popeye, but we're asking you to take one for the team and relive the horror for us one last time.

So drop us a comment with the real mutts and tune in soon for the completed list.

And now you find yourself in '82

This week on Stuck in the 80s, we're going back to 1982 (again) to cover some more of the big hits from the year. (Click here to listen to part 1 of 1982 hits.)

The theme song from Chariots of Fire was released that year (the movie itself came out in '81) and reached No. 1 on the chart for a week. It had no lyrics, hence it's not an answer in the trivia quiz below, but can anyone tell me what other instrumental track also topped the charts in the 80s?

While you mull that over, here's a rare and overdue quiz. Each of these songs will appear on our podcast.

LYRICS CHALLENGE -- Name these songs:

1. "And now you find yourself in '82. The disco hotspots hold no charm for you."

2. "You don't know me but you make me so happy."

3. "Outside a new day is dawning. Outside suburbia's sprawling everywhere."

4. "What my head overlooks, the senses will show to my heart."

5. "Cover me, when I sleep. Cover me, when I breathe."

6. "Quiet, angel. Forget their lies."

7. "Hold me tight babe, don't leave me by myself tonight"

8. "He's got everything that I desire. Sets the summer sun on fire."

Pigskin in the 80s

The high school football season officially began last night here in Florida, where we like our games to be played in steamy, mosquito-infested swamplands during hurricane-like rain storms. Since I'm a football referee in my spare time, I'm spending today bleaching the blood and mud stains out of my knickers.

Back in the 80s, there was a slew of great movies involving high school football. So perhaps I'll spend some time between spin cycles enjoying these classics.

Best 80s movies about high school football:

Lucas (1986): OK, it's not a great movie. Not even a good movie. And the idea that Corey Haim is athletic enough to play football (except maybe Maddon '06) is comic. But man ... there aren't a lot of 80s movies to choose from. "I guess everybody has their own idea of fun. Some people go to football games. Other people do less superficial things."

Johnny Be Good (1988): Anthony Michael Hall goes from Farmer Ted to America's hottest high school QB recruit. The late, great Paul Gleason plays his coach. And Robert Downey Jr. gives off the first warning signs that he's a drug-crazed lunatic. Oh, and Uma Thurman makes her big-screen debut as Hall's girlfriend. In between, there's about 4 minutes of actual football action.

Wildcats (1986): So you didn't buy Paul Gleason as a coach? Try Goldie Hawn. I'm not going to pretend for a moment that she knows what she's saying, but add early roles for Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson and Mykelti Williamson, and we're finally on the right page of the playbook.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Some would say this is a movie about malls and sex. Hell no! It's about about the big game between Ridgemont High vs. Lincoln High -- "and I know we're going to destroy Lincoln tonight ... all riiiight?" Thanks to bone-crushing Charles Jefferson (Forest Whitaker), who takes out a half dozen opposing players in comic fashion, the home team wins. (Podcast)

The Best of Times (1986): Robin Williams plays a man haunted by his failure in high school to catch the would-be winning touchdown pass. So he and pal Kurt Russell get their rivals to agree to rematch 14 years later. I'm in tears when it's over.

All The Right Moves (1983): In AmPipe, Pennsylvania, nothing is more important than football and beating rival Walnut Heights (not Walnut Grove -- that'd be Little House on the Prairie). The best movie when it comes to overall action and realism. Tom Cruise bawls out the coach (Craig T. Nelson, in a preview of his "Coach" TV series) and sees his future go up in smoke. Wow, Tom, a real foreshadowing of your movie career there.

Hits of 1982 now online

Are you ready to rewind to the year 1982 and hear the greatest (and not-so-greatest) hits? Our latest podcast is online and ready to take you back in time. Click here to listen or click here to subscribe for free via iTunes.

This year had so many big tunes that we actually broke it into three shows: This week's show, next week's interview with Wall of Voodoo's Stan Ridgway, and the following week's show on more hits from 1982. Don't get too angry if your favorite song didn't make this week's show!

Other highlights from this week's podcast:

-- Sean Daly calls in with the details of his night spent with groupies at the Poison/Cinderella show.

-- Cathy Wos relives the nightmare of her last-place finish in a dance contest.

-- Steve nearly wretches in horror after hearing one song and is forced from the recording studio.

What more can you ask for?

Everything I need to know, I learned from a Steve Guttenberg movie

Tom Cruise is taking his lumps this week, all going to prove the universe's one great truth: Ultimately, we all get what we truly deserve. For better or for worse.

But here's one star who maybe never got what he deserved: Steve Guttenberg, who turns 48 years old today. Now I know what you're thinking: Guttenberg got EXACTLY what he deserved -- a subpar film career followed by the scorn of film critics and finally total obscurity.

Can you believe he's actually making another Police Academy sequel? I'm not joking. What do you expect from someone whose career took off with his starring role in the Village People's "Can't Stop The Music."

Yes, you read that right. A Village People movie. What's really sad is that my parents once forked out $80 to buy the movie on VHS when it first came out. (They subsequently lost it, forcing me to rebuy it for them on DVD a few years ago at the value price of $9.99.) Click here to watch the video of Guttenberg rollerskating around in the beginning of the movie. You'll want to gouge out your eyes with a spoon. Just pray it doesn't give you a heart attack, because I can't imagine anything worse than having the visual of Guttenberg in short-shorts as I pass to the next dimension.

But Guttenberg gets a bad rap. If you read between the lines, he's quite the philosopher. Hence, my birthday present -- Stuck in the 80s style.

Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned from a Steve Guttenberg Movie:

-- "If you want to talk, you always have the guys at the diner. You don't need a girl if you wanna talk." (Diner)

-- "Never fool with a fuzz ball." (Police Academy 2)

-- "I came, I tried, I got shot." (Bad Medicine)

-- "I hope you're not gonna to take your skin off! 'Cause I really like skin on a woman!" (Cocoon)

-- "You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out." (High Spirits)

(OK, it seems I haven't learned much in life. Maybe I ought to stick to John Cusack and sci-fi movies for inspiration.)

Tom Cruise is fired. Now what?

Tom Cruise's career has officially jumped the couch. Paramount Pictures has decided to end its longtime relationship with Cruise's production company after the star's recent bizarre behavior. We're shocked ... SHOCKED!

And very, very happy. Hollywood -- I almost love you again. And since you seem open to suggestion, here are a couple more...

Top 5 Ways to Fix The Movie Industry:

5. Sever your ties with some more overrated phonies -- Arnold Schwarzenegger, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Hayden Christensen, Harrison Ford, Nicole Kidman and Keanu Reeves.

4. No more musicians or athletes in leading roles in any more movies. Call this the Madonna/Shaquille O'Neal Rule.

3. We've had enough movies about cops, fire-fighters, lawyers and dance schools. New rule: Anyone pitching a movie about one of those topics is locked in a closet with a rabid wolverine. After an hour, if they still want to pitch it, let's talk.

2. Bring back the entire cast of St. Elmo's Fire for a sequel -- with the exception of Andrew McCarthy and Demi Moore. (Have the screenwriters write a side-plot in which they were both eaten by grizzly bears 5 years ago.)

1. Find the writer of a successful blog about the 80s, and offer this deserving person a seven-figure deal to write a touching yet hilarious movie about his 20-year class reunion. Budget enough money to lure John Cusack for the lead role. Bring back John Hughes to direct and choose the music - with the stipulation that the movie can't have his stereotypical and improbable happy ending. Because no class reunion has a happy ending. Sit back and rake in the cash.

Callin' Stan Ridgway

Big day here in Stuck in the 80s Land. We're set to interview Stan Ridgway today, the frontman for Wall of Voodoo and one of our favorite American singer/songwriters. We're hoping to get the inside scoop on the disappearance (and reappearance) of Wall of Voodoo, the experimental punk rock outfit whose "Mexican Radio" video shook up the bland fare of early MTV.

Without Wall of Voodoo, Stan has had an impressive solo career. His latest solo CD, Snakebit, has a classic song called "Talkin' Wall of Voodoo Blues, Part 1." You can download the full song off his website, or just click here. In the song, he recounts the history of the band and the evil forces that tore it apart.

Another can't-miss offering: An anti-Bush tune from his band Drywall and their latest CD "BBQ Babylon." Titled "Hidden Bonus Track," it uses the cleverly edited actual words from the speeches of George W. Bush to create an entirely different message. Playing over the top of a drum machine, it ends with the president seemingly saying, "I have a message for the people of Iraq: Go home and die."

If you have any questions for Stan, leave us a comment below. And listen for the full interview in a future Stuck in the 80s podcast.

Greatest girlfriends from 80s movies

Cracked Magazine is back, and while it's a fine publication, they need to leave the 80s topics to the real expert: That'd be me, Bobbo.

Check out their list of Seven Best 80s Movies Girlfriends: Ali (Karate Kid), Sloane (Ferris Bueller), Pamela (Teen Wolf), Holly Gennero (Die Hard), Ariel (Footloose), Jennifer (Back to the Future) and Andy (Goonies).

Whaaaa? I'll give you Jennifer (she leaves Marty the nice "I love you" note -- awwww) and Footloose's Ariel, because Ren basically had her crawling all over him. Gotta love the lack of sexual inhibition in the 80s. Sloane's the cutest but she wouldn't marry Ferris! And Holly Gennero? She nearly gets Bruce Willis killed! That's grounds for expulsion from the list.

Here's the real List of Best 80s Movies Girlfriends:

"Lisa" in Weird Science (Kelly LeBrock): The best woman science can create, and she doesn't take any guff from disapproving parents. Plus, she's about the only way Anthony Michael Hall could get lucky in the 80s. (Who am I kidding? I'm sure Farmer Ted did better than me and friends put together.)

"Karen" from Last American Virgin (Diane Franklin): She stays loyal to Rick, creating the saddest ending of any 80s movie when Gary drives off to James Ingram. That's life in the 80s, my friends. We were all one Ingram tune away from despair. (Sex in the 80s)

"Monique" from Better Off Dead (Diane Franklin): Fresh off of crushing Gary, she fixes John Cusack's Camaro and teaches him how to ski the K-12, while promising to teach him the "international language" afterward. That's why our girl Diane earns a double-billing. (Podcast)

"Julie" in Valley Girl (Deborah Foreman): OK, so she dumped Randy for Tommy when her friends went psycho on her, but queue the Modern English tune and all is well. Easily the hottest of all 80s girlfriends too. (Podcast)

"Lana" from Risky Business (Rebecca De Mornay): The world's sexiest hooker teaches Tom Cruise the lessons of life. Too bad it didn't stick. Delivers most titillating line of the 80s: "Are you ready for me ... Ralph?" (Podcast)

"Stacy" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Jennifer Jason Leigh): Ah, Stacy, Stacy, Stacy. First, she makes it with Ron (the "audio consultant" from the stereo store), then throws herself at Rat, and then jumps Damone in the pool house. OK, so not a perfect girlfriend, but where was she when I was in high school? (Podcast)

"Ema" in Mannequin (Kim Cattrall): Even as an inanimate statue, she exudes sex. The irony is that it's usually Andrew McCarthy playing it stiff.

"Linda" from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (Phoebe Cates): She stays loyal to her older boyfriend for most of the movie, goes topless in a fantasy scene and doesn't rat out Judge Reinhold for doing what any guy would do in the same situation.

"Ophelia" in Trading Places (Jamie Lee Curtis): What is it with lovable hookers in the 80s? Ah, who cares? Dan Aykroyd gets lucky and we all win.

"Lisa" in All The Right Moves (Lea Thompson): How come Tom Cruise gets to lose his virginity in no fewer than three 80s movies (this one, Risky Business, Losin' It)? For the same reason he gets to act with women like Lea -- he's Tom Cruise. (At least he gets blown away in Taps. A little kharma.)

"Cathy" in Summer Lovers (Darryl Hannah - photo top): She travels to Greece with her boyfriend (Peter Gallagher); goes willingly to a nude beach; initiates bondage and wax play; isn't angry that he sleeps with a hot French girl; and then sleeps with the French girl (and Peter) for the rest of the summer. I think we have our grand prize winner.

[Video/publicity images; click to enlarge]

1982: The 80s really begin

We want to know: What was your favorite song from 1982? There are so many from which to choose:

• You Dropped A Bomb On Me - Gap Band
• Eye Of The Tiger - Survivor
• I Love Rock and Roll - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
• Gloria - Laura Branigan
• Centerfold - J. Geils Band
• Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes
• Abracadabra - Steve Miller Band
• Steppin' Out - Joe Jackson
• Don't You Want Me - The Human League
• Tainted Love - Soft Cell
• Genius of Love - Tom Tom Club
• 867-5309 -  Tommy Tutone
• I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow
• Come on Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners
• Pass the Dutchie - Musical Youth
• Mexican Radio, Wall of Voodoo

The list goes on and on. Tell us which song you enjoyed the most and why. Or if you have a great story about a song, call our toll-free number -- 866-371-9605 and tell it to us. We'll use it on next week's show -- our special tribute to the songs of 1982. (We working on getting some special guests lined up to interview for this big show.)

Adam Curry interview online

Hey 80s addicts, our latest episode of Stuck in the 80s, featuring an extensive interview with former MTV veejay and current podcasting god Adam Curry, is now online. Click here to listen or click here to subscribe to the series for free on iTunes.

If you're not already listening to Adam's Daily Source Code podcast, you're missing out. Go to dailysourcecode.com to hear it. (And again, it's available on iTunes.) He's also begun experimenting with video podcasts lately.

In our interview, Adam shares stories from the old days of MTV, dishing dirt on how the network was run. He also recounts his visit to Red Square with Skid Row, an encounter with the Moscow Hell's Angels, a fight with Richard Marx, and a story about Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon that will make you miss the 80s even more.

Some more show notes:

-- We recorded this week's show earlier than usual, so we didn't have a full list of Name That 80s Tune winners to announce. But come on -- it was TOO easy anyway. Our new batch of prizes should be arriving on my doorstep anytime, so hopefully we can make good for all our listeners.

-- Don't forget to call our toll-free phone number and leave us messages and greetings to use on the show. We do it all for you. The number is 866-371-9605. Anyone who leaves a greeting gets on the show and gets a prize mailed to you.

-- We're trying to line up a few more special guests for interviews in the coming weeks. No hints yet, but we're stalking some recording artists as we speak.

Enjoy the show!

Sean Penn: the full hot orator

It's ironic in a sad sorta way that Madonna's birthday is one day before her that of her ex-hubby Sean Penn.

Yes, "Spicoli" turns 46 today. And all things considered, you have to figure that his DIVORCE from Madonna (they would have been married 21 years now) was the smartest move in his career. According to an article on Hollywood.com, Penn has no pleasant memories of the union.

"It was a miserable marriage," he told the website last year. "I don't recall having a single conversation in four years of marriage."

Madonna, on the other hand, is said to not regret a minute of it. Surely, they both regret co-starring in 1985's Shanghai Surprise. We all knew Penn was going to one day be an Oscar-winning actor by that stage of his career. But that film -- easily one of the worst of the 80s -- was the first sign that Madonna's acting career was best left to her lip-syncing at concerts. (Though we hear her new crucifixion scene is quite touching.)

(How I managed to turn a Sean Penn item into another Madonna bash-fest is a mystery. Perhaps it's therapy time for me. Sorry, Sean. If it's any consolation, the following list was hard to write because, unlike your ex, you did so much great work in your career.)

Top 5 Sean Penn Movies of the 80s:

5. Colors (1988): "You don't wanna get l--d, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em."

4. Taps (1981): "The problem is that this a----le just shot the town!"

3. Casualties of War (1989): "Yay though I walk through the valley of evil, I will fear no death. Cuz I'm the meanest #@&! in the valley."

2. Bad Boys (1983): "I killed your little brother, but he's dead because you didn't stick up for him."

1. Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): "So what Jefferson was saying was 'Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we'll just be bogus too.' Yeah?" (29th funniest movie of the 80s)

Honorable Mention: Falcon and the Snowman, At Close Range, Racing with the Moon.

[AP photo, publicity photos; click to enjoy]

Bruno Kirby, 57, dies

Bruno Kirby, one of the most underexposed but certainly not under-appreciated actors of his generation, died Monday in Los Angeles from complications related to leukemia. He was 57.

Some of his best movie roles came in the 80s and early 90s:

Where the Buffalo Roam (1980): Kirby plays Hunter Thompson's editor, based not so loosely on Jann Wenner of Rolling Stone.

This is Spinal Tap (1984): A quick cameo but big laughs as the band's limo driver. (Podcast)

Good Morning Vietnam (1987): A breakthrough role playing 2nd Lt. Steven Hauk, the straight man to Robin Williams. "Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny." (46th funniest movie?)

When Harry Met Sally (1989): Another great job as Jess, Billy Crystal's best friend and love interest of Carrie Fischer. "You made a woman meow?" (Movie trivia | podcast)

The Freshman (1990): Maybe his best supporting role, playing Victor Ray, opposite Marlon Brando and Matthew Broderick, in the most underrated movie of the early 90s. "You know how big this is? Bacio di tutti baci... the kiss of all kisses."

City Slickers (1991): Maybe Billy Crystal brought out the best in Kirby, who reprises his best-friend role in this classic. "I like your a--. Can I wear it as a hat?"

"Bruno's spirit will continue to live on not only in his rich body of film and television work but also through the lives of individuals he has touched throughout his life," his wife, Lynn Sellers, said in a statement today.

[Publicity photo; click to enlarge]

Happy Birthday, Madonna. Now go to jail!

Madonna turns 48 years old today. As a present, I've decided to start an occasional feature called, "Another reason to hate Madonna."

(Previous reasons: She's an MTV baby, her network concert, Jesus loves her, she ruins music festivals, and her tour is a waste of ink.)

Today's reason to hate Madonna: She's 48 years old and still insists on acting like Marilyn Manson. For a birthday present, I hope her friends start raising bail money because she's likely headed to jail in the coming days.

According to E! Online, German authorities plan to arrest Madonna if she performs her mock crucifixion Sunday in Duesseldorf. It seems insulting religious beliefs is not only rude but illegal in Germany these days.

Of course, Madonna's camp says the crucifixion, which she's been performing regularly as part of her ongoing tour, isn't meant to be religious at all. It's just meant to inspire her fans to donate to AIDS-related charities, her publicist says.

(Mental note: Another reason to hate Madonna -- she must think we're complete idiots.)

What's the potential sentence here if the Germans are found to be less amused by all this? Three years in prison. I guess that would put a dent on my "Hating Madonna" series, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

(By the way, if you're thinking about donating to AIDS-related charities and you find that nailing Madonna to a cross isn't all that inspiring, here's an online directory of charities to visit.)

[AP photo; click to enlarge Madonna's ego]

Five more truly awful videos

There's something perverse yet oddly satisfying about scouring the early days of MTV and looking for the worst music videos ever made. Like sneezing into your hand and afterward checking the color of the offensive phlegm. Or trying to make an overly intoxicated friend throw up by simply describing your favorite breakfast sandwiches from McDonalds.

And so we give you another group of some of the worst music videos of the 80s. (Click here to see the original batch of offenders.)

FIVE MORE AWFUL MUSIC VIDEOS:

Rock Me Tonite, Billy Squier: I apologize for not including this is the original list, because it's truly horrific. Billy flops around like the love child of Mark Goodman and Paula Abdul. You'll want to hunt me down and shot me if you click on the view link. And that's OK by me. (view)

Why Can't I Be You, The Cure: Some people love it when Robert Smith dresses up in a big bear outfit or in black-face. Others just find it creepy. Even by Cure standards. After a few shots of Jagermeister, it's a great video. But after tonight's two caffeine-free Diet Cokes, not so much. (view)

The Warrior, Scandal: Remember "Staying Alive?" The sequel to Saturday Night Fever where John Travolta gets a starring role in a Broadway musical? A real suck-fest. If you want to see the four-minute version of it, featuring an Edward Scissorhands wannabe tearing up Patty Smyth's clothes, here's your chance. (view)

Obsession, Animotion: It's like Fetish Night at Caesar's Palace in Vegas. Or a Saturday Night Live sketch of Caligula, 80s style. This band played for free at my Grad Night 1985 at Disney World, and I still didn't go see them. (view)

Do You Wanna Touch Me, Joan Jett: What's not to like about a bikini-clad vixen spanking herself while an oiled-up guy flexes his pecs to the beat of a rock anthem? And that's just the first 30 seconds. (view)

[Publicity photos; click to enlarge at your own peril]

Boy George, Trash Man

I think this is finally rock-bottom for Boy George: The only way the gender-bending popster can attract a crowd is by sweeping a parking lot.

George tried to perform his court-ordered community service today in New York by sweeping the streets of Manhattan, but crowds of photographers forced sanitation officials to move him to a fenced-off parking lot. And it didn't take long for him to lose his cool (or whatever's left of it).

"You think you're better than me?" he yelled at the assembled media. "Go home. Let me do my community service."

The former Culture Club frontman (or frontwoman) landed with broom in hand after pleading guilty in falsely reporting a burglary at his home in March. (No burglarly, mind you, but the responding cops found cocaine instead.)

[AP photo; click to enlarge]

MTV episode finally online

After a couple of technical snafus, our latest episode of Stuck in the 80s is now online. Click here to download it, or for the love of all that's holy, just go to iTunes and subscribe for free.

Meanwhile, thanks to a tip from former Times TV critic Chase Squires, we found out that the Denver Post today wrote a story about how 80s fashion is back! (Click here to read it.) According to the article, parachute pants are one of the fads that didn't make a comeback -- thankfully.

Here's Chase's description of his own fashion back in the golden decade: "Hair bleached white with polka dot black spots, a leopard skin jacket, spiked bracelet, and an upside-down cross earring .... I looked like Billy Idol's dorky little brother, pissed off at the world and driving daddy's Volvo."

Chasie, I can't even picture that. Send us a photo!

Worst music videos of the 80s

Can we finally put an end to the MTV tributes following the network's 25th anniversary? Let's face it: It wasn't necessarily MTV that changed the music industry -- it was the art form of videos. (And MTV stopped airing videos a LONG time ago).

And while we cherish many music videos from the 80s (click here for the top 50 music videos list), there are some that are just painful to see.

Five worst music videos of the 80s:

5. New Year's Day, U2: They're riding horses and performing in the snow. Well, not really performing, since there are no amps and Larry Mullen Jr. is holding and banging on just one drum. (view)

4. Heat of the Moment, Asia: These guys weren't video-friendly in the first place. The constantly changing TV screens will make you nauseous within 30 seconds. (view)

3. Uptown Girl, Billy Joel: I don't like car mechanics having so much fun at work. And Billy's face is glowing an odd color -- almost Umpa Loompa orange. (view)

2. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Wham!: Neon "Choose Life" shirts and very bad dancing. Oh yeah, and George Michael. Kill me now. (view)

1. Separate Ways, Journey: Air guitars and Steve Perry in a muscle shirt. What's scary is that someone came up with the idea for this stink-bomb ... and Journey ok'd it. (view)

(Want to see the two worst videos of all-time? Of course you do. Here's one and here's another. Enjoy.)

Five more awful videos: Click here to see a new list of 5 bad music videos.

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Demand your MTV

Our epic MTV episode of Stuck in the 80s is almost online. This is one you'll want to cherish because in it:
-- Sean Daly confesses his lust for Boy George;
-- Steve Spears explains why Madonna would never date him (as if);
-- Listener "Six" shares her story of the 1984 MTV Rockin' New Year;
-- Cathy Wos holds it all together and keeps the boys from sobbing.

We had our big interview with former VJ Adam Curry today. He's the man. Rather than cut any of his great stories out, we're going to run his full interview in next week's show. Because he's the Podfather. And he deserves the spotlight to himself.

So stay tuned. This week's show should be online soon.

Waiting on Adam Curry

This week's Stuck in the 80s podcast is gonna be a little bit late. Our special MTV episode is ready to go, but we're waiting til Friday so we can snag a live interview with former VJ and podcasting guru Adam Curry. That's right, the Podfather has agreed to grace us with his wisdom and wit for this special show.

If you have any questions for Adam, drop me a comment and I'll squeeze them in. And look for the show to appear live sometime late Friday afternoon.

Thursday night update: I'm sitting at home, listening to Adam's "Daily Source Code" podcast on podshow.com, and I'm trembling in cosmic awe. It's fantastiche! And, of course, it makes our Stuck in the 80s podcast look like early Simpsons animation. Doh!

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The Thrill isn't gone: Top 10 videos of the 80s

Finally, our top 10 list of best music videos of the 80s. (Click here to see 11-20, 21-30, 31-40 and 41-50.) While there's no real drama behind our top pick, some of the other top 10 videos might surprise you. Feel free to share your darts and laurels in the comments area.

Best videos of the 80s:

10. True Faith, New Order (view): So very, very French. Cirque du Soleil-ish long before the weird theatre troope became a household image. Directed by Philippe Decouflé, who also produced the inauguration ceremonies of the 1992 Winter Olympics in Albertville.

9. Legs, ZZ Top (view): The best of the Texas band's "hot girls" videos also features the ultimate 80s movie theme: triumph of the nerds!

8. Money For Nothing, Dire Straits (view): The only No. 1 single for the British band; also the first video to be aired on MTV Europe. Video used then-new art form of computer animation. Sting's "I Want My MTV" crooning was an afterthought.

7. Eat It, Weird Al Yankovic (view): Weird Al probably deserves a half dozen spots on this list. However, we save his ultimate 80s parody for the top 10. Video featured many of the same actors as Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video.

6. Hungry Like The Wolf, Duran Duran (view): Filmed in Sri Lanka with one of the largest budgets at the time for a music video, this one made Duran Duran a household name.

5. Bastards of Young, The Replacements (view): The ultimate anti-MTV video. The network didn't appreciate the joke and rarely aired the video. But hardcore "music" fans, growing weary in the late 80s as MTV's cool factor started to disintegrate, consider this video their holy grail.

4. Rock It, Herbie Hancock (view): Godley & Creme, who have the #17 video, directed the video, featuring robots moving in time to the Hancock's only pop hit.

3. Take On Me, a-Ha (view): Incorporates rotoscoping special effects into dramatic storytelling; same effects revived again for the video "Sun Always Shines on TV," but the marriage of style and video is forever associated with "Take on Me."

2. Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel (view): Swept the MTV Video Music Awards in 1987; using 3-D animation, it raised the bar for all videos that followed.

1. Thriller, Michael Jackson (view): The home video for "Making of Thriller" actually outsold the album "Thriller." Cherish it as a time capsule of the Michael Jackson in the early 80s ... before things went very, very wrong.

Personal fave: I love every one of the top 10 -- with the possible exception of "Rock It," which gave me nightmares as a kid. But Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" is truly golden. You can watch it 100 times and see something new each time. So enjoy the memories, because I doubt any videos after 1989 can compete with these 50 pieces of high art.

 

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No Confusion here: All these videos rock

We've reached the top 20 of the best music videos of the 80s.  Today, we take a look at 11 through 20. (Click here to see Nos. 21-30, 31-40 and  41-50.) Time to honor the obvious (another Duran Duran video) and some of the not-so-obvious (Art of Noise, Godley & Creme, Sigue Sigue Sputnik).

Best music videos of the 80s:
20. Land of Confusion, Genesis (view)
19. Don't Come Around Here No More, Tom Petty (view)
18. Walk This Way, Run-DMC and Aerosmith (view)
17. Cry, Godley & Creme (view)
16. Love Missile F1-11, Sigue Sigue Sputnik (view)
15. Touch of Grey, Grateful Dead (view)
14. Close to the Edit, Art of Noise (view)
13. Rio, Duran Duran (view)
12. Once in a Lifetime, Talking Heads (view)
11. You Might Think, The Cars (view)

Most disturbing: Probably Land of Confusion. The puppets give me nightmares. But so does the little punk rock girl in Close to the Edit.

Cheesecake/beefcake: No-brainer here ... Rio by Duran Duran. (Roger gets the crabs.)

Personal fave: We're in the top 20, so they're all exceptional. Just enjoy all the warm, chewy goodness.

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Best videos: Frankie still royalty in Hollywood

The march through the best videos of the 80s resumes today. Here are nos. 21-30. (Click here to see Nos. 31-40 and  41-50.) Say what you like about Frankie Goes To Hollywood, but the lads from Liverpool knew how to make a video -- especially the type to get banned. Their original version of the Relax video, which was nixed by MTV and the BBC, was replaced by the one shown below (adapted from the movie "Body Double.")

Likewise, the version of Blue Jean below isn't the one we're honoring. There's an extended version out there with the whole back story of "Screaming Lord Byron." The edited version will stir your brain cells for now.

Best music videos of the 80s:
30. My Philosophy, Boogie Down Productions (view)
29. Blue Jean, David Bowie (view)
28. Where the Streets Have No Names, U2 (view)
27. It's the End of the World, R.E.M. (view)
26. The Reflex, Duran Duran (view)
25. Relax, Frankie Goes To Hollywood (view)
24. It's My Life, Talk Talk (view)
23. Night of the Living Baseheads, Public Enemy (view)
22. Ana Ng, They Might Be Giants (view)
21. Material Girl, Madonna (view)

Personal fave: I'm a Frankie fan from the early days, so I'm gravitating toward Relax, the epic song that helped me and group of mates win the Lip-Synch '85 competition at Countryside High School back in my senior year. (We beat out U2's "Sunday Bloody Sunday" -- monumental upset). But for the true flavor, try to find the "live" version.

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