No need to be Sly: These movies stink

Forget the Brat Pack movies and the campy sci-fi flicks. When it comes to picking the worst movies of the 80s, we cannot let this issue stand any longer:

What do we do about Sylvester Stallone?

I'm going to go out a ledge here and say I really like Victory and Rocky III. (I think I'm the only person in the world who owns "Victory" on DVD, and I still rip off my shirt and run around the room when Pele scores the tying goal against the Nazis with his bicycle kick.) But that's where the list of hits ends and the dark pit of despair begins.

So help rank these Stallone movies in order of smell:

FIRST BLOOD (1982): A nice idea for a movie. Too bad Stallone's thick foreign accent garbles all his lines. Wait a minute...

RHINESTONE (1984): Stallone and Dolly Parton. In a movie about country music. Need we say more? (OK, they fall in love too. Now, please go find the screenwriter's home and egg it.)

ROCKY IV (1985): The last time I paid to see a Rocky movie. The scene where Balboa wins over the evil Soviet crowd at the end is beyond pathetic. I say, "Bring back Mr. T!" Clubber Lang is the only boxer the Ruskies would have cheered for.

COBRA (1986): One movie critic called gave this movie a two-word review that my friends and I would use to name our punk-rock band in the late 80s: "Epic Trash."

OVER THE TOP (1987): "Sly, in this movie, you're going to play an arm-wrestling truck-driver named Lincoln Hawk. Your son hates you. Your father-in-law hates you. And probably all your fans will hate you." And yet he did it anyway.

TANGO & CASH (1989): Even Teri Hatcher and Jack Palance must be embarrassed to have co-starred along with Stallone and Kurt Russell in this cop/buddy disaster. As Palance's character says so truthfully: "Ah, the infamous Cash and Tango. ... such a shameful fall from glory."

Have at it. And don't forget: It's not too late to add more movies to the worst-movie list.

Comments

[Glenn S.]

I saw Rhinestone at a cinema pub. My chicken sandwich was infinitely more interesting than the movie.

[Greg Williams]

I actually liked Tango & Cash, as well as the Rambo trilogy.

Granted, the scenario surrounding First Blood with the police dept in Washington State was a bit of a stretch, it did reflect some of the struggles Vietnam vets were enduring, and still do.

Rocky should've stopped at 2. The only reason Rocky IV was made was to accentuate the "US vs USSR" cold-war era. Same for Rambo 2 and 3, but Rambo II was one of those perfect timings where the US needed a pick-me-up for the cold war.

Worst to best:
Cobra
Over the Top
Rhinestone
Rocky IV
Rocky III
Lock Up
Nighthawks
Rambo III
Victory
Tango & Cash
Rambo: First Blood Part II
First Blood

[Ed]

What I love about Sly's work is that even his worst movies produced some of 80's-Action's most iconic moments.
How about Rambo covering himself completely in mud, including his eyelids, to ambush that dude in First Blood. (A move so totally sweet, even Arnold had to rip it off to take on the Predator (played by Jean-Claude Van Damme, natch))
Or who among us doesn't turn their cap backwards and, "turn into a machine" whenever they arm wrestle. I'll tell you who; people who are about to lose their arm wrestling meet.
I used to start out every Street Fighter II match with Ivan Draco's classic deadpan line, "I must break you."
And finally, Cobra. "You're a disease, and I'm the cure." Totally rad. Although the image that always sticks with me in that movie is when the big jawed bad guy who would go on to be the bounty hunter in X-Files is calling Cobretti, "Pig", by that big furnace, and all of that sweat and slobber is popping off of that dude's horrendously oversized lips. They must've spent hours lighting that shot just right so you could see that guy spray every word. You know that anyone who talks like that IS a disease, and there is only one cure.

[Igor Vorobej (Ukraine)]

> OVER THE TOP (1987)

One of my top favourites...

[cougarbait]

The big-lipped, sweaty, spitty guy's name is Brian Thompson (thank you IMDb).

Your next list of movies ought to be about his. He's bad-ass in everything he's ever been in. He was the only reason to watch Cobra, which is true of a lot of movies and TV series he's been in.

[Bassnote]

I would not rank First Blood as a bad movie. It was redeemed by a great performance by Brian Dennehy. As far as the dialoge goes, Sly had mercifully very little. I will still watch that movie when it comes on tv.

[Bassnote]

Nighthawks is another one that I thought was good. A truly evil performance by Rutger Hauer. The scene with Stallone in the dress at the end is classic.

[Jose Bermudez]

Of course you liked Victory. It was a John Huston movie. How can we not like a throwback to the escape movies of the 60s like "The Great Escape" etc? Plus it has some great soccer in it.

I also agree wit the person who liked NightHawks, that's some great Stallone. Stallone as always underrated because of the stinkers he's done, but I loved the the first "First Blood" film.

[Damian P.]

In order, from worst to best:

1. Over the Top
2. Over the Top
3. Over the Top
4. Over the Top
5. Over the Top

Are you sensing a theme here?

[Six]

Okay, even I didn't go for Over the Top, but I LOVED Nighthawks! An underrated gem, IMHO.

Sorry, but I like the Rocky movies. I also liked First Blood, so shoot me.

No wait! It was just a figure of sp... BANG!

[Johnny B. Goode]

Steve,
Now that you've referenced your band Epic Trash, you owe it to your fans to sing the band's signature song "Tryin' Not to Suck Too Much" on an upcoming podcast. And remember, it's never too late for a reunion tour.

[Danny]

I can remember watching Rhinestone at the theater when I was only 8 years old. When I saw Dolly Parton, I blurted out saying, Look at those big boobs!! The entire theater cracked up laughing. I enjoy all of Stallones movies. However, I didnt like the one he did with Wesley Snipes. That was a very bad movie.

[IBES]

I have to say that Tango & Cash will always be a special movie to my heart because it was the first movie I saw in a theatre back at Clearwater Mall AMC.

Over the Top was horrible. Arm wrestling for kids affection?

Rocky 4 - If I can change, we can all change! I can see how the Cold war ended against the Soviets.

In all fairness, Sly stunk in the 90's with Oscar, Stop or my Mom will shoot, and Judge Dred.

[Max]

The thing about First Blood is, the novel that the movie's based on is AWESOME. Easily one of the best novels I've ever read. I guess the movie is okay, but I can't watch it because it really doesn't live up to the source material.

But Stallone's greatest crimes aren't on your list, Steve:

1. Rocky III is responsible for convincing Hulk Hogan that he's an actor.

2. If you scroll down Sly's IMDB page, you'll see that he wrote, produced, directed, and had a cameo in STAYING ALIVE.

[Walt Pennell]

I can't remember a ' Stallone ' movie that didn't stink. Including his role in " Death Race 2000 " as Machinegun Turbo Vitelli opposite David Carridine's Frankenstien. ( Ok, so I'm old....)But I still keep an eye on St. Pete from the dustbowl.

[Six]

Um, Walt, that's Machine Gun Joe Viterbo, and NOBODY disses Death Race 2000 and lives. Truly a cult classic.

[Dan]

Bashing on Sly is only done because it's the "cool, funny thing to do".

Cobra - Nothing wrong with that one.

Over the Top - Yeah, it was stupid, but at least it was entertaining.

Rhinestone - Never saw it so I don't know.

Rocky IV - Anyone who says they didn't like this movie is lying.

Victory - Never saw it.

Tango & Cash - Again, nothing wrong with this flick. Pretty funny actually.

First Blood - Probably one of the 3 or 4 greatest action films ever made.

[b5lky]

Is anybody who wants to give me some information please ?
I want to know which is the name of the soundtrack who play in the cleopatra club in "tango and cash" movie, when cash is meeting with tango`s sister, catherine.
And I want to know who is sing it.
Thanks very much !