Keep telling yourself you don't love these movies: Worst 80 movies of the 80s (Nos. 11-20)

Readers of the blog were beginning to wonder if there were truly 20 more movies worst than the 60 we've spotlighted so far. Yes. Yes, there are.

Today's biggest loser: Maybe me, since I used to own the Xanadu and Jazz Singer soundtracks on vinyl. But I'm not ashamed: Gotta love ELO and Neil Diamond. I consider "Sweet Caroline" the ultimate karaoke song (followed closely by  ELO's "Evil Woman.")

(Click here to see lists for worst sequels and worst movies 21-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 61-70, 71-80)

20. Under the Cherry Moon (1986): Prince, Jerome Benton. Tagline: none. One critic said: "It's bad. But the real question is—is it so bad that it's good?"

19. Who's That Girl (1987): Madonna, Griffin Dunne. Tagline: "A funny thing happened on the way to the bus station." One critic said: "Let's call it an experimental work. What kind of experiment is it? The kind conducted in that obscure branch of science where they try to mate monkeys with shellfish."

18. Red Sonja (1985): Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "A woman and a warrior that became a legend." One critic said: "One of those sword and sandals movies where you can only enjoy it if you appreciate the aesthetics of ineptness."

17. Heaven's Gate (1980): Kris Kristofferson, Christopher Walken. Tagline: "What one loves about life are the things that fade." One critic said: "It is the most scandalous cinematic waste I have ever seen, and remember, I've seen Paint Your Wagon."

16. Can't Stop the Music (1980): Steve Guttenberg, the Village People. Tagline: "The Movie Musical Event of the 80s." One critic said: "You think you're brave because you've seen movies which have won the Golden Raspberry Award for worst film? Feh. I just sat through the film which inspired the Golden Raspberry Awards, after their founder saw it on a double bill with Xanadu."

15. The Jazz Singer (1980): Neil Diamond, Laurence Olivier. Tagline: "His story will make you cry. His music will make you sing." One critic said: "Hokey and contrived and air-brushed, just like Neil Diamond's music."

14. Maximum Overdrive (1986): Emilio Estevez, Pat Hingle. Tagline: "Evil's wheels." One critic said: "The Andretti family's worst nightmare. I imagine they fled the theater in terror, prophesizing this as a sign of the apocalypse."

13. Leonard Part 6 (1987): Bill Cosby, Tom Courtenay. Tagline: "Action! Adventure! Aggravation!" One critic said: "You know things are bad when you can't get a laugh with a wiener."

12. Xanadu (1980): Olivia Newton-John, Gene Kelly. Tagline: "Where time stops and the magic never ends." One critic said: "A mushy and limp musical fantasy, so insubstantial it keeps evaporating before our eyes.

11. Howard the Duck (1986): Lea Thompson, Jeffrey Jones. Tagline: "A new breed of hero." One critic said: "Too scary for children and too silly for adults."

Comments

[mattwb72]

No. 11 for Howard the Duck is very generous...could have been much higher on the list.

[wayne]

"Love on The Rocks" from the "Jazz Singer" movie is still not even passable "Cocktail Lounge" music. Very Pretentious,Depressing, and Boring all at once.

[Daniel Fouste]

Of course, if I was you, Steve, I'd use a better quote for Xanadu. You used Roger Ebert's, who to be quite honest, wasn't all that harsh about the film. I quote:

"There are, however, a few - a very few - reasons to see Xanadu, which I list herewith: (1) Olivia Newton-John is a great-looking woman, brimming with high spirits, (2) Gene Kelly has a few good moments, (3) the soundtrack includes 'Magic', and (4) it's not as bad as Can't Stop the Music."

As a fan of Xanadu in all seriousness, I couldn't agree more. But I do offer this quote which you should have used:

"Aw, Shut Up, Muse!"

BTW, my vote for worst movie of the '80s is an animated film called The Elm Chanted Forest. Terrible film.

[Bwah]

Duh. Shanghai Surprise surely. Rubbish movie witha dreadful script. Appaling acting by people who should know better and a the worst song ever, ever written by an Beatle. Oh and its boring and pointless. Nominated for 5 awards. You've gest it - worst picture, worst actor, worst actress, worst script... in the anti Oscar Razzies. It current languishes, quite rightly, at #41 st worst film ever made in the IMDB database.

Don't agree with Red Sonja by the way. Yes it's a relatively bad movie, but it only aims to be ridiculous escapist fun in the first place. Saying it's bad is like saying Disney's Dumbo lacked gravitas.

[Sherrie]

Yes, Howard the Duck was a big steaming pile of bad. I don't think that I ever made it through Xanadu, but my neice had the misfortune of having a father who loved it and he gave her the gift of Xanadu as a middle name-the poor girl's name is Valarie Xanadu. Sad. I also had the Jazz Singer soundtrack on vinyl, and I must have watched it 20 times on HBO in the mid-80's. The lowest low of that movie is Laurence Olivier's line "I heff no son!" as he tears his clothes. Still, I can't abide it being in the worst movies of the 80's!

[Carla]

At least I'm not the only person who liked Xanadu :) Thanks Weldon!! C'mon guys, the soundtrack was good!!

[Steve Spears]

Ah, Johnny B. Goode -- if we could only tell the world about our karaoke cruise stories. They are, shall I say, FANTASTICHE!!

[Johnny B. Goode]

That's no opinion, it's a proven fact: Sweet Caroline is the best karaoke song ever.

[Weldon]

Oh come on! 12. Xanadu?

How can you not love sweet Oliva :P ok I digress....

[Greg Williams]

I remember Stephen King himself touting this movie in the commercials for it saying "I've designed a movie that will scare the living hell out of you". Didn't.

Yet another fine product from the De Laurentiis Group (which brought you "Dune"). I think the only production company that produced bigger stinks were Cannon Films. They're the ones with the "Ninja" movies as well as "Missing in Action" and "Cobra". I may be wrong but I think they produced "Rambo III".

[powerage]

I love Maximium Overdrive. Sure, not a great movie, still one of my favorites.

[Bassnote]

Nothing shocking here.