Top 10 Worst Movies of the 80s (aka Stallone Appreciation Day)

If the three movies by Stallone doesn't give it away, welcome to the Top 10 of our 80 Worst Movies of the 80s list. Write these down and run to your collection of videos and DVDs. Do you own any of these? If so, please immediately go to the garage, find the biggest hammer you own and beat your home entertainment system into little tiny bits.

Today's biggest loser: Sylvester Stallone, come on down! With nearly a third of the movies on the top 10 list, you own this list. I'm having all comments forwarded to his agent.

(Click here to see lists for worst sequels and worst movies 11-20, 21-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 61-70, 71-80)

10. Absolute Beginners (1986): Eddie O'Connell, David Bowie. Tagline: "Welcome to the world of your dreams!" One critic said: "Totally forgettable songs, dance numbers, and a ridiculous plot make Absolute Beginners look like absolute junk."

9. Yentl (1983): Barbra Streisand, Mandy Patinkin. Tagline: "Nothing's Impossible." One critic said: " In a back room of an Ivy League library somewhere there is a fetishist who desperately tries to think of anything besides this film."

8. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."

7. Heartbeeps (1981): Andy Kaufman, Bernadette Peters. Tagline: "Be on the lookout for this gang of misfit robots." One critic said: "An overlooked, nearly forgotten film that deserves to stay that way."

6. The Pirate Movie (1982): Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins. Tagline: "Buckle Your Swash and Jolly Your Roger for the Funniest Rock 'N Rollickin' Adventure Ever!" One critic said: "What Gilbert & Sullivan's [Pirates Of Penzance] would look and sound like if it were rewritten by a boy-crazed middle-schooler who'd rather drool over John Travolta in Grease for the 50th time than suffer through anything close to opera.

5. Defcon-4 (1985): Lenore Zann, Maury Chaykin. Tagline: none. One critic said: "When your film is ultimately going to be compared to superior post-nuclear holocaust genre pictures like The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man, what chance beyond a good ad campaign do you really have to be remembered?"

4. Rhinestone (1984): Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton. Tagline: "A rip roaring, hard lovin' comedy hit with wonderful new songs by Dolly Parton." One critic said: "It is a tossup as to whether Dolly Parton's original songs or Sylvester Stallone's original dialogue is closer in essence to fingernails being drawn across a slate blackboard. "

3. Ishtar (1987): Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman. Tagline: none. One critic said: "A truly dreadful film, a lifeless, massive, lumbering exercise in failed comedy.

2. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love." One critic said: "A movie about arm-wrestling. What's next? Crab soccer?"

1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled "The Terrible Game." There is truth in advertising here."

In case you're wondering about which movies just narrowly missed being include on the full list of 80s movies, here are a few: Burglar, BMX Bandits, Flowers In The Attic, Hot Pursuit, Cat's Eye, Hello Again, Sweet Liberty, Trick or Treat and Enemy Mine.

Hope you enjoyed the effort. As always, have a field day with your comments. And if you're the kind of reader who enjoy "worst-of" lists, click here to see every worst-of list I've written in the last year!

Comments

[sadiel]

what about HE-Man..and the masters of the universe?

[Chris Marton]

I didn't say Brideshead was a film! did say it was responsible for chubby nerdy sburbanites like Simon le Bon sucking their cheeks in the emulate Anthony Andrews. Also REVOLUTION - set in the time of the Civil war and filmed near kings Lynn - did not start a trend for East Anglian westerns

[Gymkata2000]

Where is "Mac n Me" on this list?? The movie was created by McDonald's, and was an obvious rip-off of "E.T." The only difference was the entire movie contained multiple product placements.....such as Coke bringing "Mac" back to good health, or his making a "V" sign, which naturally was identical to the "Wickes Furniture" symbol. This might have been the worst movie ever created.

Good choice on Gymkata, however. As they say in Parmistan, "Yakmalla!"

[vinerO]

I'm sorry, this list is bogus just because there is no mention of Band of the Hand. Starsky or Hutch directed. Eccchhh!

Worst misuse of Bob Dylan ever!

[Marta]

WAIT... I Was A Teenage Zombie... We have a little thing called Bad Movie Night. This was the worst. However, you have extended the party list.

[MissD]

You missed a few .... Ice Pirates, for one, was a truly bad movie ...
Earth Girls are Easy still gives me nightmares
The Fly (Jeff Goldblum's version) ...

Oh god, make the pain stop!!

[<>]

THIS SITE SUCKS.
SLY IS LIKE A GOD!
HE HAS INSPIRED PEOPLE FROM EVERY GENERTION! AND MORE TO COME!
STALLONE ROCKS!
THIS SITE SUCKS!!!!

[?]

hey, sly's is the best of all time.
F**# YOU ALL!!!!!!

[Tracey]

Come, come...was The Pirate Movie really so bad?
I would instead suggest as it's replacement in the list "Perfect" - Jamie Lee Curtis and John Travolta in a perfectly hideous movie about aerobics. Isn't that what the eighties has truly come to symbolise? Big hair, lycra and bad music?

[dcs]

Worst film of the 80s? I've got one word for you guys... Krull.

[Bob]

Hey People, what about "Action Jackson" starring?(!?!) Carl Weathers & Sharon Stone?

[Ivar]

Derailed with Van Damme, you should see it. Horrible stunts.

[Vash Stampede]

The Perils of Gwendoline

Lust in the Dust...

waste of time, money and celluloid.

[Danny]

I hope I don't get too many flames for this, but I really hate E.T. What a sappy piece of garbage that movie was!

[teekayem]

Er, Chris Marton, Brideshead Revisited was a miniseries, not a movie. I admit that Chariots of Fire was overrated, but it sounds like you just have a bias against period British films. And yeah, DeadDogsTwo, Golden Child!! My pick for THE worst movie of the '80s. Plus: Kiss Me Goodbye, Spring Break, D.C. Cab, Jumpin' Jack Flash, all Police Academy movies, Rambo, and Heartbreak Ridge. Plus, let me go out on a limb here: I HATED Beverly Hills Cop.

[lisa]

how could you possibly have given a pass on these "gems":

American Anthem (Gymkata on an bad acid trip!)
Police Academy 2 - 5
Out of Africa (WORST flick to win an 80's Best Picture Oscar -- even worse than Ghandi!)
ANYTHING starring Jean-Claude Van Damme!

[perrysstory]

Howard The Duck was a grade A pile of festering CRAP!

[Sheila Brown]

Come on. "can't Stop the Music","Mommie Dearest" and "Xanadu" are camp classics, like that crap "Showgirls" will be in about 15 years...wait...It already is camp!

[DeadDogsTwo]

"Brother From Another Planet" is a masterpiece!
and "Enemy Mine" doesn't deserve to be anywhere near that list.
I'd say maybe:
"The Golden Child"
"The Outsiders"
"Dead Poets Society"

[Paul from Louisville]

'Enemy Mine' is severly underrated. I'm sure it made the list because of a certain, um, "birth" scene. Get over it.

As for the person that bashed 'Chariots of Fire', I would agree it's overrated, but it's far from a bad film. Does not belong anywhere near this list.

How Stallone is still allowed to be in show business continues to boggle the mind.

[Remy from Chicago]

The fact that Cobra is dishonored so is a hit to the credibility of anyone foolish enough to take credit for this list. If you can't enjoy movies that are 'so bad they're good' then you should go to the ER and have the stick removed from your arse. Cobra is a very entertaining movie--if you go into it expecting it to compete with the really well-acted, exceptionally original movies of today (of which there are precious few, note I said 'well-acted') then of course you're going to walk away disappointed. The movie has hilarious dialogue, and intense action that makes no effort at remaining overly realistic (ex. cars blowing up after getting shot a few times--a classic Hollywood move still used today). Fin.

[Moon]

"Brother from another planet"

What the hell was up with that guy's toenail and he's removable eye???

[Muggs]

Hey, what about Inchon? The movie, sponsored by the Rev. Moon, so bad it will never, ever be on DVD.

This is a lazy list.

[Mitch Weiner]

"Howard the Duck", "Mommie Dearest", "Teen Wolf" (both of them!), "Clue"... I know I'm forgetting a bunch. If we're talking Best Picture Oscar winners,"Chariots of Fire" wasn't as bad as "Terms of Endearment"! Puh-leeze!

[Chris Wollek]

Good list. The only thing missing was either Jaws 3 in 3D or Jaws 4: The Revenge. I wish the shark didn't work for those two, then maybe they would have had to come up with something good like Spielberg did.

[Chris Wollek]

Good list. The only thing missing was either Jaws 3 in 3D or Jaws 4: The Revenge. I wish the shark didn't work for those two, then maybe they would have had to come up with womething good like Spielberg did.

[KR]

Def-Con 4? Really? It was a low-budget film and exempt from any "worst" list by virtue of the lack of money behind it. Save your brickbats for big-budget clunkers that truly deserve contempt.

[Dave M.]

Man, you missed some really bad movies. How 'bout "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone"? Where are "Hobgoblins", "Mac and Me", "Shanghai Surprise", or "Bolero"? Speaking of Bo, where's "Tarzan: The Ape Man"? How about that Lorenzo Lamas classic, "Body Rock"? And, try as we might, who could forget that classic, "Night Patrol"?

[Xonk34]

How can Caddyshack II, Can't stop the music, One from the heart, Xanadu, Grease II and Who's that Girl be left off of any list of worst movies of the 80's????

[elisamaza]

Am I really the only one who's ever seen Beastmaster (1982)? Marc Singer, a tiger painted black, and a couple of pet ferrets...

[Chris Barry]

Night Train To Terror is the worst movie of the 80s bar none.

[rustyb]

I forgot a movie. Modern Girls put it on the list!

[rustyb]

How did Enemy Mine and Cat's Eye almost make the list. They're not great movies but for the 80's they hold up quite well. At least Howard the Duck didn't make it. I love that movie and it gets ripped all the time. What about Rad now that sucked or Can't By Me Love. Your list sucks you need to see some more movies.

[Fancy]

Dude! The Pirate Movie was so bad it's super fantastic! Lighen up!

[Matt Farmer]

How did "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" fail to make this list?

[SteffM]

Where are XANADU and CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC???

[Your mom]

Gymkata rules. I hate you.

[phillip stine]

i am gay and i work at tein li chow.i made a club called the patriotic club and i hav a weird voice. my lips r ginormous and i hav a crush on avishai cohen

[Kenny P]

I like Pirate Movie and Cobra. Where is Garbage Pail Kids The Movie?

[isbac]

Playing For Keeps
Written & Directed by Bob & Harvey Weinstein. Its the reason they're producers and not directors.

[Daniel Timothy Dey]

"Joysticks" beats all of them as the worst.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0085764/

FYI Adam, Revenge of the Nerds III was made in the 1990's, so however bad it was, it doesn't really belong on this list, and even that doesn't beat "Revenge of the Nerds IV."

[Mark Lansing]

Dude, have you actually seen HEAVEN'S GATE? It's one of those punch-line movies everyone "knows" is awful, but it's actually much better than its reputation would suggest. Kris Kristofferson and Isbelle Huppert both give great performances and it's one of the most beautifully designed and photographed movies ever. It's way to long and poorly paced, but there are some amazing moments in HEAVEN'S GATE, and it deserves a lot better than it gets.

[Mike Rotch]

Howard the Duck!

[Adam]

Forgetting about the 3s - Superman III, Jaws III, Porky's III (II was bad too), Revenge of the Nerds III (II was bad in this case as well).

[Adam]

LAZY WORK. This list was clearly done off the top of the writer's head. Heartbeeps? Really? Bull crap! Where's Electric Dreams or Leonard Part VI!?

[Chris Marton]

Chariots of Fire, was there ever a more overrated picture? Triumph of the Will for the 80's. Along with Brideshead Revisited, started the regrettable trend for cheekbones in lieu of acting talent.

[Chris Marton]

Chariots of Fire, was there ever a more overrated picture? Triumph of the Will for the 80's. Along with Brideshead Revisited, started the regrettable trend for cheekbones in lieu of acting talent.

[Chris Marton]

Chariots of Fire, was there ever a more overrated picture? Triumph of the Will for the 80's. Along with Brideshead Revisited, started the regrettable trend for cheekbones in lieu of acting talent.

[nick petch]

Slapstick (Of another kind!!!) Vonnegut suffered less in Dresden.

[Brian Doherty]

And where is Caddyshack II?