Top 10 Worst Movies of the 80s (aka Stallone Appreciation Day)

If the three movies by Stallone doesn't give it away, welcome to the Top 10 of our 80 Worst Movies of the 80s list. Write these down and run to your collection of videos and DVDs. Do you own any of these? If so, please immediately go to the garage, find the biggest hammer you own and beat your home entertainment system into little tiny bits.

Today's biggest loser: Sylvester Stallone, come on down! With nearly a third of the movies on the top 10 list, you own this list. I'm having all comments forwarded to his agent.

(Click here to see lists for worst sequels and worst movies 11-20, 21-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 61-70, 71-80)

10. Absolute Beginners (1986): Eddie O'Connell, David Bowie. Tagline: "Welcome to the world of your dreams!" One critic said: "Totally forgettable songs, dance numbers, and a ridiculous plot make Absolute Beginners look like absolute junk."

9. Yentl (1983): Barbra Streisand, Mandy Patinkin. Tagline: "Nothing's Impossible." One critic said: " In a back room of an Ivy League library somewhere there is a fetishist who desperately tries to think of anything besides this film."

8. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."

7. Heartbeeps (1981): Andy Kaufman, Bernadette Peters. Tagline: "Be on the lookout for this gang of misfit robots." One critic said: "An overlooked, nearly forgotten film that deserves to stay that way."

6. The Pirate Movie (1982): Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins. Tagline: "Buckle Your Swash and Jolly Your Roger for the Funniest Rock 'N Rollickin' Adventure Ever!" One critic said: "What Gilbert & Sullivan's [Pirates Of Penzance] would look and sound like if it were rewritten by a boy-crazed middle-schooler who'd rather drool over John Travolta in Grease for the 50th time than suffer through anything close to opera.

5. Defcon-4 (1985): Lenore Zann, Maury Chaykin. Tagline: none. One critic said: "When your film is ultimately going to be compared to superior post-nuclear holocaust genre pictures like The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man, what chance beyond a good ad campaign do you really have to be remembered?"

4. Rhinestone (1984): Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton. Tagline: "A rip roaring, hard lovin' comedy hit with wonderful new songs by Dolly Parton." One critic said: "It is a tossup as to whether Dolly Parton's original songs or Sylvester Stallone's original dialogue is closer in essence to fingernails being drawn across a slate blackboard. "

3. Ishtar (1987): Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman. Tagline: none. One critic said: "A truly dreadful film, a lifeless, massive, lumbering exercise in failed comedy.

2. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love." One critic said: "A movie about arm-wrestling. What's next? Crab soccer?"

1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled "The Terrible Game." There is truth in advertising here."

In case you're wondering about which movies just narrowly missed being include on the full list of 80s movies, here are a few: Burglar, BMX Bandits, Flowers In The Attic, Hot Pursuit, Cat's Eye, Hello Again, Sweet Liberty, Trick or Treat and Enemy Mine.

Hope you enjoyed the effort. As always, have a field day with your comments. And if you're the kind of reader who enjoy "worst-of" lists, click here to see every worst-of list I've written in the last year!

Comments

[hillary eickhoff]

Ice Pirates?

[Jeff in Buffalo]

Yes! The crapper list of movies from the 80s comes to a head! There are some definite bad ones: Ishtar (zzz), Gymkata (hilarious), Over the Top (great broken arm scene).

I have to say that I like Cobra and don't think it should be up this close.

[Glenn S.]

I have to defend Absolute Beginners. Yes it's ultimately kind of a mess, but at least it took some chances and it does have its moments. Unlike the critic quoted above, I thought the music was actually quite good. Too bad my soundtrack CD literally self-distructed several years ago, but that's another story...

[Steve Spears]

Rhinestone was on one of the pay cable channels yesterday. I seriously tried to watch maybe 5 minutes of it, and couldn't even succeed at that. NOT EVEN 5 MINUTES. In retrospect, maybe I should have put that one at #2. At least I can get through 5 minutes of Over The Top.

[Greg Williams]

I don't remember enough about DefCon-4, but I dont think it was top 10.

DC Cab was funny, and so was Caveman. The huge fried egg was a riot.

I've never heard of Heartbeeps. But then again, I hated Andy Kaufman. Am I the only one to look at everything except Taxi and say "I don't get it"?

I've seen three of the top 10. Don't remember much, except trying to get "Rhinestone" out of my head with Sly's singing. Clorox Mental Bleach, anyone?

[Slyce]

COBRA certainly isn't Sly's best. Not by a long shot. But the man IS amazing! Just the fact that ROCKY6 is coming in Dec.'06 is amazing! Have you SEEN this guy at 60 yrs of age?!?! AMAZING! Sly's still got it! I think he ALWAYS WILL, too!!
[img]http://www.muscle-fitness-france.com/sei/s/2024/334.jpg[/img]

[Brad]

Caveman? Anybody?

"Atook!"

[steve spears]

Ah Chasie -- I think your Ishtar fetish is a flashback to your drinking days.

[chris]

c'mon, where was d.c. cab on that list? ok, i admit, i do have the soundtrack on vinyl.

[chase]

Yay, I picked a top five, "Defcon-4" .. what a freakin dog ...

But dammit, I LIKE ISHTAR, I own it. Seriously. It's funny.. c'mon, the blind camel? Jeez ...

(and for my take on Caddyshack, check my blog, http://dirtyrunningthoughts.blogspot.com

hint, I've now attended one news conference and two speeches by the Dalai Lama, in the past two days ... and I'll be watching him speak again tmrw ... I will definitely achieve total consciousness on my deathbed.

which is nice.

--chase

[Bassnote]

I just had a co-worker tell me last Friday that he loved the Pirate Movie. I nearly laughed myself into a trip to the emergency room.

[Brian J.]

My bad - its "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death". But its still Bill Mahar.

[Brian J.]

You forgot "Amazom Women of the Avocato Jungle" starring Bill Mahar.