Forget Madonna: Here are some better adoptive parents

Flash news alert! Drop your mocha frappachino and pay attention to me! Now! Here it is: Madonna may -- or may not have -- adopted a boy from the African country of Malawi.

Uh, yeah. That's all. Seems the blogosphere is wild with rumors over the last 12 hours that the Queen of Kabbalah (oh yeah, I hear she sometimes sings too) adopted a 1-year-old orphan while visiting the impoverished African country this week. Even the government there had confirmed it. This morning, though, her spokesman denied the claim in an interview with American media. (The only media you can really trust, right?)

Of course, Madonna isn't mad about all the sudden attention focused on her. Heavens no!

"I think that anything that brings attention to the country is fine with her, even if it's information that's not correct," her publicist told the Reuters news service. "She wants people to pay attention to Malawi and to the 1 million children who don't have parents and don't have care there."

Personally, with the possible exception of being adopted by Tom Cruise, I can't imagine a more undesirable adoptive celebrity parent. Maybe Carrot Top. Or Roseanne Barr.

Top Five 80s celebrities who would make good adoptive parents:

5. Pheobe Cates: Imagine the fun at pool parties. Your friends would keep playing "Living in Stereo" on the boom box and crossing their fingers.

4. Mr. T: Nobody would dare beat you up at the bus stop. Plus, you'd get good seats to all the Rocky movie premieres.

3. Kelly LeBrock: Equally hot to Pheobe, but with her "Weird Science" powers, she'd score me a cooler wardrobe and fake IDs.

2. Joe Montana: I sucked at football and never got off the bench back in high school, but I'm thinking if I were "Steve Montana" and Joe was watching from the stands, Coach would have played me more.

1. Chevy Chase: I'm thinking more along the lines of Clark Griswold than Fletch here. He'd give me a beer, drive me across country in the Wagon Queen Family Truckster to theme parks and still have the energy to score with Beverly D'Angelo and Christie Brinkley in the same night.

Comments

[chase]

YESSSS .. IT just makes it into the eighties ...

Pick a family to adopt me?

Steve Martin in Parenthood.

Jeez, far as I'm concerned, that was the peak of Martin's acting career ... a beautiful movie, and a great family I wish I had lived in.

That's how movies are ..... picks to adopt me:

1) Steve Martin: Parenthood
2) the crew from sixteen candles, plenty of room for a chunky, wise ass son and Long Duck Dong
3) The Griswolds
4) The Preston family, as in "Bill S. Preston Esquire" in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure ... except for the threat of military school ... oh, wait, I DID go to military school

[Steve Spears]

Yes, Parenthood. Great movie. Definitely Steve Martin's best work. ("My whole life is "has to.") Jason Robards also redeems himself there nicely too. Also filmed at the University of Florida during spring break of my senior year there.

I'm still having a tough time picturing you at the Citadel, Chasie. Did you ever get to sing "Dixie" by candlelight at the commandant's house?

[chase]

... Hah, I WAS the Lord of Discipline ... well, maybe not "lord", but I did "Earl" a lot after hard Saturday nights on the town ...

As for Dixie, believe it or not, that was our school fight song while i was there, we sang it after every touchdown (back in the day when our football team was worth a damn and we actually scored touchdowns) AND the entire stadium was filled with Confederate flags that we waved like crazy during football ...

It's true. Times have changed. You could also smoke on an airplane when I went there .. that's true too.

Geez, I'm old.

--chase

[Max]

I'd rather be adopted by Ferris's parents. They're loaded, they're trusting, they're morons... they're perfect.

[Bassnote]

You know Steve, for a guy who hates Madonna as much as you do (I completely agree), you sure put a lot of pictures of her up on this blog. Do us all a favor, and PLEASE stop.