Another Ferris scene: Ed Rooney's revenge

The clamor over the possibility of a Ferris Bueller sequel will never cease -- not so long as I'm on the job.

Screenwriter Rick Rapier (read Q&A) has agreed to release the text of another scene from his script. (Read the other scene online.) In this scene, Ed Rooney (played by the always brilliant Jeffrey Jones) shows up at the house of Jeanie Bueller (Jennifer Grey) and her husband Garth (the boy in the police station played by Charlie Sheen).

(By the way, related but unimportant note here: For the longest time, I used to privately nickname all my bosses "Rooney" -- my way of conceding their authority while mocking them at the same time. One night, after several beverages at a happy hour, I slipped up and started calling my boss "Rooney" to his face. Rather than being caught by surprise, my boss slipped right into character and replied: "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed journalist leave my cheese out in the wind." I was floored.)

On with the scene:

EXT.   JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE BACK DOOR - MOMENTS LATER

Ed Rooney skulks to the back door, pulls the revolver from inside his Member's Only jacket, looks for witnesses.  He taps on the door glass with the gun barrel, then turns his back to the door.  He's oh so clever...

INT.   JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Garth steps from the bathroom off the kitchen as the toilet finishes FLUSHING, nose in the Chicago Tribune.

GARTH: "Jeanie!  I'm ready now!"

Outside there's a more insistent RAP on the back door glass.

Oblivious, Garth finally looks up to see a fair-haired man, his back to the door.

EXT.   JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE BACK DOOR - CONTINUOUS

Garth opens the door and Rooney turns to face him, surprised at this development.

ED ROONEY: "What are you doing here?"

GARTH: "I live here. (a beat) Rooney --?"

ED ROONEY: (pushes him inside) "You're supposed to be at work."

GARTH: "This a joke?"

Rooney shoves the pistol under Garth's chin.

ED ROONEY: "Yes, and Ferris Bueller is about to be the punch line."

GARTH: "Uh, Ferris doesn't live here --"

INT.   JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Rooney pushes Garth over to the table.

ED ROONEY: "I know, you half-wit!  Now sit down and be quiet."

Garth is far from flustered, but he sits down, thinking.

ED ROONEY: "Where's our little Jeanie Bueller?"

GARTH: "That's Jeanie Bueller-Volbeck --"

ED ROONEY: "I don't care what the little tramp calls herself!  Where is she?"

GARTH: "Well, Ed, if you stop calling names, I just might tell you."

Ed rousts Garth at gunpoint and pushes him toward the living room.

ED ROONEY: "Move!"

GARTH: (calling out) "Babe, we have a visitor..."

Jeanie rounds the corner, meets Rooney's gun nose-to-barrel  with crossed eyes.

JEANIE: "Oh, my God."

ED ROONEY: "No, but very close, my sweet.  Have a seat."
(to Garth) "You, too, you delinquent."

As Rooney holds the gun on them, Jeanie and Garth take a seat at the table.

JEANIE: "Delinquent?  For your information he's made something of himself, Ed, whereas you've just become some thing."
(to Garth) "You didn't take the gun from him?"

GARTH: "Honey, the kids need their father."

Exasperated but undaunted, she turns her venom on Ed.

JEANIE: "What's this all about, you old loser?"

ED ROONEY: "A little birthday gift for Ferris."

JEANIE: "Surprise.  Ferris doesn't live here."

GARTH: "I tried to tell him --"

ED ROONEY: "Quiet!"

Ed pulls a roll of duct tape from inside his coat, tosses it to Jeanie.

ED ROONEY: "Let's just see what kind of knots the Girl Scouts taught you, eh, Jeanie?"

JEANIE: "This is duct tape."

ED ROONEY: "Never mind!  Get to work!"

GARTH: "I've been telling her that for years, but does she listen?  No.  She thinks playing real estate with her mother is work."

JEANIE: "This is no time for your sarcasm, Garth."

She busies herself taping his hands.

GARTH: "Boy, you're really hopping to it, babe.  Maybe I could learn a thing or two from ol' Ed..."

JEANIE: "You think this is funny!?"

She tears off a strip of tape and slaps it across his straight face.

JEANIE: "That funny enough?"

He just shakes his head like Whatever.

ED ROONEY: "Enough!  Sit down."

She does, with crossed arms.

ED ROONEY: "The tape?"

She throws it at him and he fumbles it.  She reaches for the pistol, but he reacts and dodges, more accident than reflex.

ED ROONEY: "Ah, ah, ah!  I remember your moves all too well, missy.  Hands behind your back."

Jeanie complies as he tapes her hands together, tapes her to the chair.

JEANIE: "You won't get away with this."

ED ROONEY: "The key to success is planning and brains."

A beat.

JEANIE: "You won't get away with this..."

INT.   JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

A flummoxed Ed Rooney watches a news report on Jeanie's TV.

REPORTER: (on TV) "As you can see, Anne, mourners have poured into the streets of downtown in expression of their grief over the loss of beloved lifestyle guru Ferris Bueller."

ANNE (ON TV): "Thanks, Sue Lin...  Again, though it has not been confirmed, it would appear that Ferris Bueller could not have survived such a fall.  The beloved lifestyle guru would have been 40 today.
At the table, Jeanie and Garth are duct-taped to chairs."

JEANIE: "I told you he was dead."

Rooney has begun to shake.

ED ROONEY: (anguished) "How can this be?"

JEANIE: "You seem pretty broken up there, Ed."

Garth nods sympathetically.

Rooney gives a snarling glance.

ED ROONEY: "All of my plans!  Ruined!"

JEANIE: "What's that they say about the best laid plans of mice and men?  Squeak, squeak."

ED ROONEY: "Shut up!"

JEANIE: "What did you say to me!?"

ED ROONEY: "I need to think!"

JEANIE: "No point in starting now."

Garth gives Jeanie a head gesture to stop egging Rooney on.  She doesn't get it.  Garth mumbles behind the tape.

JEANIE: (whispered) "I can't understand a word you're saying."

Rooney clutches his head dramatically.

ED ROONEY: "Death?  Where is thy sting?  Oh, he's probably looking up at me now, laughing!"

JEANIE: "Ferris never looked up to you, Ed."

Rooney's eyes glaze at the painful irony of it all.

Comments

[Austin]

I think this script is horrible. Comedy factor, pacing, etc, way off from the scene's I've read. Also, the characters have remained static for the most part, 20 years and there's been no change in them at all? That's the problem, the characters are dead on, but haven't allowed for the growth.

Having said that, I will still watch and love (or love to hate) any sequel of Ferris Bueller...

As much as I'm mad about the prospect of a sequel, I need a sequel, even if it's bad.

[Gwen]

I'm 16, and I know this could be written much better.

I was actually looking for fanfiction of Ferris Bueller and found this on Google.

A "professional" wouldn't get insulted from criticism, by the way. A "professional" would take that information and edit his or her work to ameliorate it. (=

[glug]

man this is ridiculous. the script is so cheesy and terrible. this is the kind of script id write back in yr 8 and lord knows i shouldn't be let near a script.

[Mike]

This sounds horrible. Fan fiction is a good assessment.

Fanfiction

[Marissa]

I'm watching "My Boys" on TBS and it's "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" sorta episode. They even stared at a painting in the Art Institute. The character played by Jim Gaffigan keeps asking the nay-sayer, less than thrilled participant "so, have you seen anything good today?"
I'm watching this show by default because nothing else is on. I think it's a SIGN!!!!!

[Spiky Sandy]

Uh, Doc? Awkward!!!!!!!!

Way to go, Rick. I'll be watching the movie on big screen and not waiting until it comes out on DVD.

Ferris rules!

[Li'l Sis in K3]

hehehe I so love my brother.

[Rick in Scottsdale]

Doc,

Congrats on your continued writing assignments, but that doesn't change the nature of your assessment. You are entitled to your opinion, but it is a broad one based on insufficient evidence.

BTW I suppose I didn't identify myself sd clearly as I thought: "Rick in Scottsdale," the writer with all that writing experience detailed above, DID get a "crack at the script"...

To wit, I AM THE WRITER who wrote the "terrible," "flat" scene which moved you to dismiss my entire script.

Key phrase in your post Doc is "as presented." As I noted in my previous post, the scene was edited down, with parallel scenes omitted for space and to keep key aspects of the story off the Net, yet whet fan appetites. So, in one respect, you are right about the pacing of the scene which depends on cut aways and the synergy of those other scenes.

I do appreciate your concession that the scene holds promise, but were you to read the script in its entirety I believe a fair analysis would yield a far more positive result, as it has with other professionals who've read it, including the uniform assertion that I've nailed the characters -- yet further developed them in entertaining and believable ways. (They are, after all, all 20+ years older.)

[Doc Hamilton]

I wasn't going to fire back, but since the attacks became personal, and my abilities in question, I will. Marissa, I left LA four years ago because I wanted to buy a house. I still have several producers and show runners faxing me weekly with work. Liz, the characterizations in this scene are no where near the original characters (I do like the fact that 'Boy in Police Station' shows up and seems to have a semi-major role). Rick: as someone who earned a living writing for major studios, production houses and networks (just for you, i mainly ghosted-you'll know what that means), I based my OPINION on what was offered. No I have not read the entire script, but the arc of this scene is flat, and the characters, based on someone else's work, do not have reference to those characters. The pacing of the scene as presented is stilted and without foundation. Does the small excerpt of a scene have promise? It does. Maybe Rick or I could get a crack at the script...

[Rick in Scottsdale]

As someone who has been writing screenplays professionally (if in the indie world) for many years, and who has done well in major competitions along the way, optioned work to Studios like Miramax and MGM, and has been paid good money to critique scripts for other professionals, even being invited to rewrite them thereafter for-hire or contingency -- even by one of Hollywood's better script doctors for a script they had previously optioned twice -- I can tell you that Doc Hamilton doesn't have enough information in the excerpt to draw the dubious conclusions he has.

And I can personally guarantee that he hasn't read the script in its entirety, but rather only the edited excerpt kindly offered here by Steve Spears to whet the fans' appetites.

Me thinks the good Doc would have to be psychic to know the script's pacing and character development from what amounts to 3 pages culled from a 6-page long parallel sequence.

[Brad]

Mea culpa, mea culpa. Yes, I meant sequel.

Oopsie.

[Marissa]

Hey Douglas, as long as you're not a rabid fan of Il Divo, it's cool.
Regarding the snipet of the script, I like that Jeanie goes on to marry the boy in the police station. I think that's a hoot!

[Douglas Arthur]

Sorry Marissa, I thought I was commenting on the blog content by poking some fun at another comment. I'm not sure I completely agree with Doc's comments, but I respect his opinion if he was indeed a "script doctor". Writing a screenplay is easy, writing a GOOD screenplay is hard. I'm not sure this one is good. Nor do I think it is a good idea, either, but i already made my feelings known on that previously. I am glad that there are a lot of people that are out there wanting this thing to happen. I respect that. I just don't agree. It's like Bon Jovi. There are a lot of people that Like Bon Jovi. I don't happen to share that enthusiasm, but I'm not going to take them to task. What do i know? I like DEVO!

[Liz]

I think this is a riot!!!!

Having loved the first Ferris, the characters of Jeanie, Garth and Rooney are "dead on". It's a great scene.

Sorry Doc,...diagnoses is ill-advised.

Still hoping for the sequel.

[Marissa]

Hey! Can you guys keep the comments about the blog content? Sheesh!
Hey Doc? What do you do now? Did that script doctor thing not pan out for you?
Un-impressed, I think you're just not open minded enough, but you're entitled to your opinions (no matter how shut off they are) That goes for you, too, Doc. But hey! that's my opinion :)

[Doc Hamilton]

Sorry, but this is terrible writing. The pacing is off, there is no scene cohesion, and don't even get me started on the horrible character development. Sorry, Steve, but I can see why there is no interest in this script. As a former script doctor in LA, I don't even think I would have accepted this script on hire. I sooooo wanted to like this...

[Un-Impressed]

No offense, but this really sounds awful. The original "Ferris" is a classic, and most definitely does not need a sequel.

[Stuckee]

Now there's a movie that can't and shouldn't have a sequel. LOL

(Fast-forward 35 years; Burt Reynolds character has had another facelift and an infection sets in; he and his friends have to navigate a golf course with not only alligators, but rabid gophers, while Ned Beatty's character suffers a possible cardio-infarction. Can they make it to the club house before their T-time ends? Ooh, I'm getting chills.)

[Douglas Arthur]

I thought you meant "s-q-u-e-a-l" like a pig.

Sorry, gratuitous Ned Beatty reference.

Couldn't be helped.

[Stuckee]

Brad, Brad, Brad... Put down the cup of java, set aside the Full Throttle, and slowly, very slowly read the articles. Let your mind focus...

See, it isn't about a remake, now is it? No, but rather a sequel.
See-quell. S. E. Q. U. E. L. As in, new story, same characters.
As in, different story, not same story. As in NOT A REMAKE.

[Brad]

I think that one more "Ferris Remake" post will make it eligible to be spun off into its own blog.