A very merry 80s Christmas poem
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the web
Not a 80s star was stirring -- their careers nearly dead.
The police reports were searched and looked at with care,
In hopes that Boy George or George Michael would be there.
The punk-rockers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While bruises from slam-dancing showed on their heads.
And mamma with her Stoli, and I with Bacardi,
Had just punished our livers with a long winter's party.
When on one of the blogs there arose such a clatter,
I awoke from my stupor to see what was the matter.
Away to the computer I flew like a flash,
Nearly stepping on last night's cigar and a bowl full of ash.
Past the photos of breasts, of celebrities with blow.
Taken by the paparazzi who stoop so very low.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But rumors of a reunion, after so many years.
A bespectacled director, so full of the muse,
I knew in a moment it must be John Hughes.
More rapid than eagles his co-stars they came,
And he whistled, and berated, and called them by name!
"Now Molly! now, Rob Lowe! now, Judd and Ally!
On, Demi! On, Emilio! On Andrew McCarthy!
Quit your TV shows! Stop the Broadway!
It's back to Hollywood right away!"
And then, like an echo, I heard from afar
The infamous movie lines from those 80s stars.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Mr. Hughes came with a bound.
He was dressed in a trenchcoat, from his head to his foot,
His Chicago Cubs t-shirt tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of scripts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an agent or celebrity hack.
His eyes -- how they glared! Face pale as a bone.
He must have read my old blog item on "Home Alone!"
His droll little mouth -- lips straight as a ruler,
Oh god, he knows of that sequel to "Ferris Bueller!"
A typewriter and blank pages he held tight in his hands,
An iPod blared only music from old New Wave bands.
He had a long face and no trace of a gut,
He's no Santa afterall, he's just in a rut!
He was surly and short, a right cranky old elf,
But I asked for an autograph, in spite of myself!
A rolling of his eyes and a dip of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Finishing a script, then calling me a jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his limo, told his driver 'Find a pub!'
And away they all drove like the end of Breakfast Club.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas 80s fans, and to all a good-night!"
Relive the music, movies and culture of the greatest decade ever with Times online editor Steve Spears. A teen during the decade, Steve is obsessed with everything from Duran Duran to Journey, John Hughes to John Cusack, and parachute pants to Reaganomics.
E-mail Steve Spears:
And a very Merry Christmas to you, Steve! I hope all the 80s Nation boys and girls have a wonderful and safe Christmas.
The poem is simply fantastiche! Truly a weiner!
Posted by: Marissa | December 24, 2007 at 08:44 AM
Dare I say "Classic"!! Simply genius Steve!
Wishing everyone in "Stuck in the 80's" land... A very happy and safe holiday season!
Posted by: Carla | December 24, 2007 at 09:59 AM
Steve you never fail to crack me up.
Merry Christmas everyone.
May you get lots of 80s goodies in your stocking this year.
Posted by: 80sfan | December 24, 2007 at 10:56 AM
Very nice, Merry Christmas, Stevie.
Can't wait for the big day, hope I get that Billy Idol Christmas album I've been wanting!
Not!
Posted by: chase | December 24, 2007 at 01:22 PM
All the love!
M in A
Posted by: | December 24, 2007 at 01:24 PM
Awesome! That ranks up there with "The Cajun Night Before Christmas" by Trosclair and Bob and Doug's "12 Days of Christmas", beauty! Happy Holidays everyone and may we all bask in the glory of our favorite decade for we are all truly "Stuck in The 80's"!
Posted by: Tom | December 24, 2007 at 02:00 PM
Feeeeeeeed the wooooooorld.....let them know it's Christmastime!
Posted by: Al | December 24, 2007 at 02:23 PM
Al, was that intended for Chase? You know how he loooooooooooves that song.
Posted by: Marissa | December 24, 2007 at 07:28 PM
Nicely done, Steve. And to all the fans of "Stuck...", have a wonderful Christmas season. I hope you all get a ton of 80's music under the tree tomorrow. I miss you guys!
Posted by: Former Producer Dave | December 25, 2007 at 12:08 AM
Merry Christmas everyone! Great poem Steve. I hope Santa brings you lots of 80's goodies.
Posted by: Bassnote | December 25, 2007 at 12:54 AM
Steve (and the collected 80's Nation),
The last toy has been assembled, and the last stocking has been stuffed. Before I start my long winter's nap, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and all the best for a happy and safe new year.
One last thought: Tomorrow morning we'll be taking the kids to deliver cookies to deployed troops here in GTMO. Please take some time in your busy holiday to think of those away from friends and family this holiday season.
Posted by: Jeff in Cuba | December 25, 2007 at 01:11 AM
Bloody brilliant Steve,
definetly a classic to cherish year after year!
Jeff bless you and your family for thinking of the troops; my husband missed Christmas last year due to his Iraqi tour and now although we are transients in military lodging are having the best Christmas ever because we are all together.
Merry Christmas to all, Happy Holidays and enjoy your New Years.
Posted by: specialk in Kentucky | December 25, 2007 at 07:38 AM
Ack ... a true gift to the world would be to eliminate that Band Aid song from everyone's collective memory ... oh, and all the children in the world, singing in perfect harmony :-)
Posted by: chase | December 25, 2007 at 12:15 PM
So, Chase...do you go into a fit of rage ala Sean Daly style when you hear that blasted song?
And by the way, I now have "I'd like to teach the world to sing" running through my head.
Posted by: Marissa | December 25, 2007 at 05:01 PM
Listen to some Northern Lights instead!
Posted by: Al | December 25, 2007 at 06:19 PM