Rambo didn't draw first blood: These did

Is it just me or does it seem like the latest Rambo movie tip-toed quietly into the theaters? Like it almost didn't want to be noticed.

Critics have been understanding and sympathetic to Sly Stallone's latest creation (Read the review here from the Times film critic, my buddy Steve Persall). That's because Stallone and the Rambo franchise are basically a punchline these days.

But is Rambo the lamest of the action-hero movies of the 80s? Not even close.

TOP 10 WORST ACTION MOVIES OF THE 80s:

10. Tango & Cash (1989): Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell. Tagline: "Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them." One critic said: "All the suppressed homosexuality of the buddy movie genre ... A pathetically juvenile screenplay."

9. Action Jackson (1988): Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson. Tagline: "It's Time For 'Action.' " One critic said: "Did they start with the comedy  and then pencil in the sadism, or the other way around?"

8. Above The Law (1988): Steven Seagal, Pam Grier. Tagline: "He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido... and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude." One critic said: "There are suggestions of so many other action heroes in this guy that he seems to have been assembled from leftover parts."

7. No Holds Barred (1989): Hulk Hogan, Joan Severance. Tagline: "No Ring. No Ref. No Rules." One critic said: "I can even pretend that the Hulkster has any place scrubbing cineplex toilets, much less packing people into its theaters."

6. Masters of the Universe (1987): Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella. Tagline: "Only the universe could hold adventure this big!" One critic said: "Little kids at play have come up with craftier plots, better characterization and conceivably more spectacular effects -- provided their mothers let them play with matches."

5. Megaforce (1982): Barry Bostwick, Michael Beck. Tagline: "There has never been a superhero like ACE HUNTER!" One critic said: "Turn off every logic circuit in your brain and just watch this for the sheer spectacle ... Mind you, a shiny rock can occupy me for hours."

4. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Lincoln Hawk will fight for his son the only way he knows how." One critic said: "It's Stallone showing his vulnerable side, a sort of Father Knows Best -- But Can't Put It Into Words."

3. Red Sonja (1985): Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "A woman and a warrior that became a legend." One critic said: "One of those sword and sandals movies where you can only enjoy it if you appreciate the aesthetics of ineptness."

2. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."

1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled 'The Terrible Game.' There is truth in advertising here."

Comments

[Marissa]

I read somewhere that Kurt Russell had to walk in trenches in order to appear shorter than Sly in "Tango and Cash."

[Greg Jones]

How could you possibly omit Remo Williams?

[jane]

I can honestly say that I've never, ever seen any of the movies on this list, including any in the Rambo oeuvre.

But I am impressed with Brigitte Nielsen's two apperances on this list. Way to go!

[Bassnote]

He omitted Remo Williams because it was a good action movie.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Gymkata is almost bad enough to fall into the "so-bad-it's-good" category.

I loved the contrived ways they worked gymnastics into the movie. The bad guys (I guess they were the Russian judges) would be chasing Kurt down an alley, when suddenly two rings would appear, hanging from a fire escape for no apparent reason.

And at the end of every fight, there was the obligatory shot to let you know that everyone was OK. They'd emerge from under a pile of rubble and shake their fists at the hero:

"Damn you, Kurt Thomas! And the pommel horse you rode in on!"

[Brad]

As the manager of a crummy second-run movie theater in the 80s I'm proud to say that we opened both Cobra and Gymkata.

They deserve their rankings here.

[Spears]

I did indeed like Remo Williams. It's very, VERY campy. But it has some great lines there.

"Women should stay home and make babies. Preferably, manchild."

"I can see the deadly hamburger has done its evil work."

[Douglas Arthur]

Steve-o,

I mostly agree with the majority of your picks, but Above The Law was actually pretty good. The rest of Segal's movies stunk to high heaven, but this one directed by Andrew Davis, who later went on to fame directing The Fugitive, is well paced and full of great little moments. I say you call a "Lully" on this one and choose something else like Hell Comes To Frogtown starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.

[Douglas Arthur]

dang this iPhone with its adaptive typing! That should read.."mully" not "Lully".

[Hamptune]

I can honestly say I have never seen any of those, I must have had known better or something. My wife, however bought a copy of "Gymkata" at one of those sidewalk sales for like a dollar or something, I have seen her watching it more than once. I also think she got another classic with "American Anthem" in the same purchase...

[Jeff in Cuba]

Kurt Thomas and Mitch Gaylord in the same box set?

That's about as campy as Clay Aiken watching Judy Garland movies in a pink tent.

[chase]

Oh, dude, I love Cobra, I still watch it when it comes on cable ... I especially like that ridiculous car he drives ...

I was seriously questioning your intelligence when scrolling down, only to discover Megaforce at No. 4. A movie with flying motorcycles and such lame staging you can actually see the cameras in half the action sequences.

But then I got to No. 1.

Never mind.

[Jeffrey]

Okay, Spears...

You and I are in sync on a lot of pop culture stuff, but Tango and Cash as one of the worst action movies of the 80's?! C'mon! Where else can you find Kurt Russell doing a dead on impersonation of Sly, Stallone going "Rambo is a _ussy", a 20-ish Teri Hatcher looking hotter than Georgia asphalt and (God bless him) Jack Palance just reveling in the chance to play an over-the-top baddie uttering "Caaaaaaaaaash"....This is 80's cheeze at it's absolute tastiest....

Jeffrey

[Marty]

I remember when "Gymkata" came out and my friends said they saw "Gymkata" today and they hated it. I thought "What a sad thing to say about our 39th president!" Seriously.