If only 'The Jerk' had been made in the '80s

Sadly, there's no pretty way to package the silver screen portfolio of Bernadette Peters, who turns 60 years old today. She was nearly box office poison in the '80s. The "Steven Seagal" of her era. The female equivalent of Steve Guttenberg. (Wait ... why are all the phonies named Steve? I'm not sure I like this trend.)

Before we unleash today's Top 5 list, let's add this one important concession: On Broadway, where she shows off her singing and dancing, Peters is a goddess. And I'd crawl through broken glass to see her perform in person.

But for those of us who don't live within an hour of Manhattan, we're forced to consider these infamous appearances.

TOP 5 FORGETTABLE '80s MOVIES WITH BERNADETTE PETERS:

5. ANNIE (1982): I know it's considered a classic, but sit through 5 minutes of it and you'll no longer be upset by the phrase "beaten like a red-headed step-child."

4. PINK CADILLAC (1989): This is one movie even co-star Clint Eastwood would surely disavow. Adding to the aggravation, I can't even say "Pink Cadillac" without singing that hideous Bruce Springsteen song in my head.

3. PENNIES FROM HEAVEN (1981): A period musical -- in the wrong period. At least she got to star with boyfriend Steve Martin.

2. TULIPS (1981): Here are the words every actress dreads hearing: "Meet your co-star, Gabe Kaplan!"

1. HEARTBEEPS (1981): Among the top 10 worst movies of the decade. "It's all right, Rover. These friendly robots are obviously not mischievous trespassers."

Comments

[John Hays]

Hey, don't be hating on Steven Seagal! He's king of the 3 word movie title!

[jane]

I would crawl right alongside you through that broken glass to see Miss Peters on stage, Mr. Spears. She defines the term Theatre Goddess. J'adore.

And while I for the most part loathe Annie (the play and the movie), I'm partial to a couple of segments, specifically this one, featuring Miss Peters, Tim Curry and Carol Burnett. Primarily because they're all amazing talents but also because I performed this number (Miss Peters' part) in a follies/variety show many moons ago. It's worth a look.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XzSSiMa29AE

[Brad]

The Gabe Kaplan line? Comedy gold. You owe me a new keyboard.

[Bassnote]

I can honestly say that I have not seen any of these movies. I'm feeling very blessed.

[trisha]

She spoke at my college commencement and began with the words, "I've never been to college, but I'm sure its difficult..." I rest my case.

[Spears]

I'm thinking of starting a keyboard refurbishment business as a way to pay the bills, Brad.

[Bryan]

If all else fails, you can easily wash the taste of all 5 of those movies out of your mouth by watching her chew it up in "Into The Woods"

[jane]

Good suggestion, Bryan. La Peters singing Sondheim would be a marvelous palette cleanser for that dreck.

*off to YouTube*

[doug]

I've seen some crap films in my time, but the only movie I've ever walked out on in my life was "Heartbeeps". I still don't know how it ends. I don't want to know how it ends.
That being said, I still think Bernadette Peters is beautiful and awesome.

[Spears]

Heartbeeps comes on the pay cable channels about once a year. It was on a couple months ago. I still can't believe there's a human being at HBO or Showtime who makes the call: "Hey, what about Heartbeeps? That's worth our subscribers' money, right?"

[Shugah]

You forgot Slaves of New York. It's simply craparrific.

[Spears]

I was going to put "Slaves of New York" on the list, but I honest to god can't remember a single detail of it. Consider it an honorable mention.

[Eric62]

I was the lone kid in our group of teens who liked Heartbeeps. And I still smile to myself when Bernadette Peters tells Steve Martin in "The Jerk'' that she works as a cosmotologist.

"how do you get used to the weightlessness?''

Classic.

[Walter Cox]

I actually never saw "The Jerk" until last Saturday night on the Netflix site. She was delicious.

"I don't wanna puke!"

[Spears]

Every time I see The Jerk, I wish there really was such a thing as "Pizza in a Cup."

[jane]

Never saw "Slaves of New York" But I read Tama Janowitz's book back in the day. Don't remember much about it either. That was about five hundred books ago for me.

Makes me think about revisiting the trendy literature of the day -- Janowitz, Bret Easton Ellis, Jay McInerney -- to see if it's held up at all.

[Tonianne]

Back in the day when I only wore black, Greenwich Village was the Holy Land, and The Village Voice was the Bible, the brat pack authors really struck a chord with me. Many a night was spent at MKs, Nell's and The Odeon hoping against hope to run into one of these literary rock stars. With the exception of Ellis' American Psycho though, I never felt their books translated well onto the big screen. Despite it being a Merchant-Ivory production (can you believe?), and having a decent cast (including Mr. Jake Ryan), Slaves was indeed quite awful.

Jane - I re-read Bright Lights in one sitting about a year ago. I felt it held up beautifully, that it was still relevant.

[jane]

And back in the day when I wore only black, I read all the Brat Pack authors in hopes of soaking up some of their sophistication to help my not-so-glamourous existence in tropical, tourist-ridden Florida.

I forgot that Slaves was a Merchant-Ivory production. They probably wish they could forget.

Good to know about Bright Lights -- it was my favorite of the bunch for many reasons, not the least of which was the fact that it was written in second person which I thought was cool as all get out. Might have to pick up some of those brat pack gems here and add them to the increasingly large stack of books on my nightstand.