'80s Week on American Idol

It is with a heavy heart that I contemplate another week spent in front of my television, cursing under each breath as the most untalented group of misfits ever assembled takes to the airwaves to butcher the songs that I love so dearly.

Yes, it's 80s Week on American Idol. (I felt a great disturbance in the force, as if a million Sanjayas cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. Hopefully in some very painful manner.)

Some of my clever colleagues here at the St. Pete Times have already cooked up a list of song suggestions for each of the 16 remaining contestants. But I have my own list ... of course.

80s SONGS WE MOST FEAR TO HEAR THIS WEEK:

LITTLE RED CORVETTE (Prince): Probably tied with "Kiss" for most likely song by the "Artist Who Formerly Would Have Nothing To Do With American Idol." I just wonder if the lyrics can make it past the Fox censors.

BLACK VELVET (Alannah Myles): Released on a 1989 album, so it barely makes the cut. Easily one of the most unbearable songs of our lifetimes, whomever picks this tune should be automatically booted from the show by the time he or she reaches the first chorus.

BEDS ARE BURNING (Midnight Oil): Can Aussie Michael Johns lay off a beloved tune from his homeland? He better, if he wants my vote.

CRIMSON AND CLOVER (Joan Jett version): Everyone figures Amanda Overmyer will go for Joan Jett -- and I agree. But in a surprise move, she'll grab the wrong song, picking this wretched remake originally performed by Tommy James and the Shondells. And unless she gets arrested for indecent exposure outside my place of business, I can't see her sticking around another week.

I WANT CANDY (Bow Wow Wow): In a dream last night, I could see Danny Noriega prancing around stage with giant candy-canes -- his hair pulled up in Annabella Lwin mohawk style. And the American Idol band hopelessly trying catch up -- without throwing up. (I don't sleep well these days.)

Tune into Sean Daly's Pop Life blog tonight at 8pm for a live chat during the show. I'll be there, chatting along, trying desperately to stop the dry heaves.

Comments

[Bassnote]

I will be watching the horror on tape delay. I won't be home to see it live. I'm relying on others (Jeff, I hope you have your Fox feed this week) to spew venom at Danny Montana for me.

[Marissa]

DANNY MONTANA youtube video -- age 14 spewing venom and dropping the f-bomb like a grizzly trucker (no offense to truckers who might read this blog). Over what? His hatred of Santa!? OY! More reason for VFTW to love him, and for me to dislike him.
I'm going to guess that our Love Kangaroo will take a step in the INXS direction. Perhaps Jason Castro will do a little Overkill? Although, Miss Paula requested he go guitar free this week.

[Marissa]

Ha! I just had a funny thought: What if Danny Montana does "Puttin on the Ritz" ala Taco?

[jane]

Ooh, ooh I've heard a rumour...

...that tonight's show (it is the boys, isn't it?) will feature some Journey. And some George Michael and just for Bassnote, some Soft Cell.

(I'll miss your venom, Bassnote. It's a show night highlight for me.)

[Marissa]

Steve, I've ordered you a case of Wild Turkey --express delivery -- for this night. I hope it arrives in time.
Also, I've asked a medical team to be on alert with a crash cart on your behalf.
Love ya, man. I have your best interests at heart.

Marissa, you know if any of them dare to step out into "Melt with you" our dear Steve may just need that cart - and a new TV as his wild turkey bottle may get thrown into his.

[Spears]

I started using the plastic, travel-friendly Wild Turkey bottles for this very reason. My TV will be safe. I can't say the same for my liver.

[jane]

I'm thinking it's going to be a tequila/agave nectar margarita night tonight at chez jane. Quality liquid anesthesia to help numb the inevitable aural pain that's forthcoming.

[Marissa]

Who might be brave enough to tackle U2? Do you think their catalogue has been locked tight to make certain they aren't butchered AI style?

My mind is swimming with horrid possibilities. I'm having a panic attack. Paper bag! STAT!!!

[Bassnote]

Great, someone's doing a Journey song (I bet it's the guy who did 'Killer Queen' last week). We get to hear Randy foam at the mouth about how he was in Journey, yet again.

[Walter Cox]

Wow, it's the original version of "Crimson and Clover" that I don't like. Love the Jett version.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Memo to AI contestants:

Sing "Take on Me" and the a-hafia will rise up and vote you into the top 12.

Then they'll go back to burning Steve in effigy.

[Spears]

Don't get the A-hafia all stirred up again, Jeff, or I'll be requiring all the military resources you can muster to fight off their inevitable invastion.

"Come on, Steve. You know 'Cry Wolf' is a legitimate hit!!"

[Marissa]

I sent Danny Montana a message on myspace begging him to sing TRUE. And to give Sean Daly a shout out during the judge's critiques.

[Carla]

Oooooh Steve... If the one of the AI boys is singing some Journey... how bout sending some Wild Turkey up my way! I'll need the alcohol to get through it. My poor ears!

[Paul]

OK, I warned you about the Midnight Oil cracks. I'm about to come over there to wallop you upside the head with a didgeridoo and sit you down to forcibly play you through the entire Oil's catalog on vinyl. With remixes and b-sides.

[Marissa]

lol Paul. Oh man. WITH remixes?

[Spears]

Bring it, Paul! Right now, the military forces of the United States, led by Jeff of Cuba, are surrounding my fortified complex in Florida.

I'm safe as a kitten.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Uh, Steve, I've been meaning to talk to you about that whole "surrounding the compound thing"

We've been realllllly busy stemming the tide of Communism and protecting our way of life and everything, so we're not going to be able to make it.

However, I do have a "Get Out Of Orange Threat Level Free" card that you can use. I won from some Homeland Security guy in a card game.

Good luck with the Aussies!