Pulling a Ferris -- corporate style

It's cold, flu and allergy season here in Tampa Bay. By that, I mean it's spring training for Major League Baseball and co-workers are disappearing faster than in "Night of the Comet."

Of course, '80s fans know that to call in sick the right way requires a slick technique often referred to as ... Pulling A Ferris.

(God bless Matthew Broderick for his multiple contributions to popular culture. Aside from giving the English-speaking world a dozen good strategies for staying home sick, he also inspired me to once fool the U.S. and Russian defense forces to declare global thermonuclear war. Ah, memories.)

So here are some recommended "Pulling a Ferris" strategies for grown-ups. These aren't mine per se -- let's just say I've collected my favorite ones from my nearly 20-year career of hanging around fellow slackers:

MENTAL DAY OFF: Just want to skip a day from work and do nothing special? Sweaty palms won't cut it, Mr. Bueller. I recommend using the exploding diarrhea excuse (trademark pending). No one at work will want you using the same restroom. Plus that's a symptom that comes and goes (literally) and you'll be back on your feet in 24 hours.

DAY AT THE BALLPARK: Trickier because you could be spotted, either by fellow Ferris-pullers or on TV. Plus, an outdoor venue brings the possibility of sunburn. For this excursion, I recommend trying this: "My doctor called and ordered a sudden series of tests on me. I'll be spending half the day at the clinic giving blood and stool samples." Nobody will want to know anything more. And who can blame you for shagging foul balls once the needle torture is over. (Don't forget to wear a Band-Aid or two on the arms for added sympathy.)

THE EXTENDED WEEKEND: For this, you need the advanced planning. Start a few days before the weekend, claiming unusual fatigue or trying a little fake heavy coughing. Maybe even leave work an hour or two early one day to see if you can "catch the doctor" on the way home. Then -- and this is the hard part -- set your alarm clock for very early that Monday morning -- 3 or 4 a.m. Call the boss's voice mail and leave a wheezing, hacking message saying you've been sick all weekend and won't make it in today. Hang up awkwardly, as if you almost passed out just from the energy expended, and go back to bed.

COMMON MISTAKES: Never have a spouse, friend or partner handle the phone call to the office. (Sorry, Cameron.) They're never convincing liars. Also, avoid the urge to involve a co-worker in your scheme. If Times pop music critic Sean Daly and I both call in sick the same day, the authorities will be scouring all the wing and beer joints in town looking for us.

Remember, 80s-worshippers, life moves pretty fast. If you don't skip work once in a while, you might miss it.

Comments

[Marissa]

Let us not forget, "Ferris Bueller, you're my hero."

I once tried the excuse of having a doctor's appointment: "it's the only time they can get me in and ::leaning in to whisper:: it's 'female stuff' that's embarrassing." Unfortunately, I didn't realize an older woman boss would sympathize with my 19 year old self.

I was heading to Southern Illinois University with a friend for their huge-tastic Halloween bash.

All I have to do now with my male boss is declare that my bio-rhythms are off and he grants me nearly anything I want...except the day off.

[Walter Cox]

"Night of the Comet", eh? Impressive reference.

[Bassnote]

Steve, you are the master. Unfortunately, I own my own business so I can't use any of those.

[David-b]

I hear you Bassnote.

This one hurts a bit as it pulls me kicking and screaming out of the 80's smack dab into whatever year it is, as these days I'm more concerned with those pulling a ferris than contemplating doing it myself. Sigh...

Don't you make me grow up on this site Steve!

[David-b]

Although, I guess sitting here at my desk at work and checking out Steve and Sean's latest offerings is my grown up version of "pulling a ferris".

I'm such a rebel.

[Marissa]

I can't help but sing the Toys 'R Us jingle with this one. "I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid..."

[jane]

Hard to pull a Ferris when you're a SAHMG (stay-at-home-mama-goddess) -- however, back in my Working Girl days, I could do the low, raspy sick voice like nobody's business. I used to use this however, more for recovery after a weekday night of carousing than for actual mischief.

I also was pretty good about signing myself out of the office to go do research for pieces I was writing and then going home to take a nap.

And yes, there was a time when I could go work after about two hours of sleep and still a weeeee bit intoxicated and function successfully. Ah, the resilience of a twenty-something.

[Eric62]

I say watch the bogus "oh, I'm so sick'' tone of voice when calling in. Ferris got it about right with his bedroom synthesizer.
If people were as sick as their "suffering" voices would indicate, hospitals would be overwhelmed on a daily basis.

[Walter Cox]

I've been dying to try the following ploy at my office, since I can conceivably be anywhere on the campus doing my job: leave my glasses and an open bottle of Diet Coke on my desk, and my monitor pulled up to a program monitoring activity on a nameless server. Unless something horrible happened, I think I could possibly use it to create a 4 day weekend.

[David-b]

And who doesn't want a 4-day weekend?
Except for that whole, "unless something horrible happened" part - it sounds like a pretty good plan.

[Walter Cox]

I work in IT, and people that know me will verify that I generate a "horrible things" field just by existing, so it's a very real possibility.

[Clark]

Beware the sting of karma! I recently pulled a Ferris, following Steve's Extended Weekend game plan to the letter. It worked great, netting me four sweet days off in a row. But on the Tuesday I came back to work, I got sick for real. Granted, it lent credence to my lie and undeserved apprectaion from my boss for being there while I was obviously "still" not 100% but it sure stunk being sick at work.

[David-b]

Yup - All we need in order to have our systems come crashing down for no apparent reason is to have our IT folks away.

[jane]

Apropos of nothing, I'm totally coveting that rattan furniture in which Ferris is reclining and refreshing (top picture on blog item) That would look so sweet in my backyard...

[chase]

Second best to that, having both bosses call in sick on the same day, it happened today :-) ... Say, what's on YouTube today ... ?

[cheezstake]

I've pulled my share, which was hard to do back in my Navy days.

Back in '95, I was in Chicago. When I got to the top of the Sears Tower, I stood up on the ledge, leaned my head on the window and looked down and said what any warm blooded, stuck in the 80's guy would say.

Ah, the best soundtrack a movie never had on CD.

EXCELLENT topic!!!

[GlennS.]

With the CD format on the critical list (my local Borders just cut their space for them by about 75%) I guess we never will get that official Ferris soundtrack CD now.

[Walter Cox]

Hey, I've got "Rotating Heads" on my iPod, so I can re-enact Jeannie driving home whenever I please. That's all the soundtrack I need.

Baaa! Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa-Baa!

[Max]

I think I'm going to use one of these excuses right now. Since I might be moving to Chicago anyway - I think it's a great opportunity to visit some of his scenes of the crime.

[Debra]

I guess for the boss, you don't need to "lick your palms"...