'Happy birthday ... Ralph'
When it comes to Tom Cruise, there really isn't much left unsaid about our Once-Golden Boy of the 80s.
You can celebrate 25 years of "Risky Business," but then cringe when he jumps on Oprah's couch and acts like a twit. You can marvel at his second-banana skills in "Rainman," and then turn away in dismay when he berates a TV news anchor during an interview. And you can focus with all your might and remember that once upon a time, even Cruise's bad movies were still pretty damn good.
Cruise turns 46 years old today. As is tradition, I'll be celebrating by watching "All The Right Moves" on DVD for 12 straight hours. ("In your face, Walnut Heights!") It's the creepy sorta celebration only Tom could appreciate.
TOP 10 CREEPIEST LINES BY TOM CRUISE:
10. "I'm gonna go take a celebration p-ss." (Rainman)
9. "I'm willing to start at the bottom." (Cocktail)
8. "Hey, Brian, Dungeons and Dragons game tonight?" (Taps)
7. "Uh, my name isn't really Ralph." (Risky Business)
6. "I think I'll go embarrass myself with Goose." (Top Gun)
5. "I took Lily to see the unicorn... " (Legend)
4. "She was dead on top of the gearshift." (Losin' It)
3. "Hate to tell you this buddy, but you have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something." (The Outsiders)
2. "Jesus, this guy's good!" (Top Gun)
1. "When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her." (Risky Business)
Relive the music, movies and culture of the greatest decade ever with Times online editor Steve Spears. A teen during the decade, Steve is obsessed with everything from Duran Duran to Journey, John Hughes to John Cusack, and parachute pants to Reaganomics.
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Cruise didn't say, "Jesus, this guy's good." Tom Skerritt said it ABOUT Tom Cruise right before Jester snuck up behind him and missle-locked on him because he left his wingman.
Hmph... some movie critic. I should have your job tomorrow.
Posted by: Adam | July 05, 2008 at 01:50 AM
Mr. Katie Holmes should have been beaten into unconsciousness for the crime against humanity he committed with "Born On The Fourth Of July."
Posted by: Bassnote | July 04, 2008 at 01:30 AM
Oh Steve we must get you help if you find a 12 hour marathon of All the Right Moves entertaining. Sounds a little obsessive to me.
I am actually surprised there hasn't been a podcast yet devoted to Mr. Cruise. Risky Business, yes, and a great podcast it was. With plenty of films in the 80s there should be a more than enough material to debate over.
Personally I enjoy most of his work. There are always hits and misses. Minority Report and A Few Good Men are at the top of my list. From the 80s, I think I would list Top Gun. I can practically recite the dialogue I have seen it so many times. But that being said I tried watching it again recently and couldn't even sit through it.
Posted by: 80sfan | July 03, 2008 at 10:00 PM
I couldn't have said it better, Marissa.
Posted by: Complaint Department Manager | July 03, 2008 at 09:58 PM
Oh, and full male frontal nudity for no
apparent reason.
Hoo-boy, talk about hysterical.
Posted by: Rick | July 03, 2008 at 09:33 PM
Over. Acting. Over. Compensating.
Posted by: Marissa | July 03, 2008 at 09:29 PM
Jane,i`m so sorry for questioning your taste yesterday.I forgive you for liking Sting and Kenny,because only a woman with great taste can say Magnolia is Tom`s best movie.Women usually drool all over themselves with Top Gun,Cocktail and the rest of his crap! And yes i like Jerry Maguire too.And The Outsiders.
Posted by: Miguel | July 03, 2008 at 07:28 PM
I think that Cruise's best performance was as Joel
in RISKY BUSINESS. Everything else has seemed
beyond his range.
But I really think Judd Apatow should remake it with
Seth Rogan as Joel. That way they can pepper
it with F-bombs. Nothin' funnier than F-bombs.
Oh, and poop jokes. Gotta have poop jokes.
And bong jokes. Yeah, bong jokes. Yeah.
Posted by: Rick | July 03, 2008 at 07:08 PM
Steve. Steve, Steve, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Funyons are. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Steve, okay? That's what I've done.
Posted by: Tom Cruise | July 03, 2008 at 03:48 PM
I'm trying to recall All The Right Moves....not sure I've seen it!
Posted by: John Hays | July 03, 2008 at 03:21 PM
Miguel! "Magnolia" is the ONLY Tom Cruise performance in a film that I really like (OK, I also like Jerry Maguire)
Seriously -- I totally dig that weirdass movie. Cruise as Frank T.J. Mackey is brilliant -- and that's the only time I'll ever use the words "Cruise" and "brilliant" together.
Posted by: jane | July 03, 2008 at 03:12 PM
Ask Sean how many times I reference "All The Right Moves" before we start recording podcasts. Especially the scene in typing class where his buddy helps "levitate" his desk.
Posted by: Spears | July 03, 2008 at 02:58 PM
80s only, Mr. Hays.
Posted by: Spears | July 03, 2008 at 02:57 PM
Ah! Magnolia,the greatest movie he`s ever made,the greatest performance he`s ever made(the only great performance he`s ever made?).A MASTERPIECE!
Posted by: Miguel | July 03, 2008 at 02:43 PM
I'm guessing your list is REALLY titled "Top 10 Creepiest Lines by Tom Cruise that don't include anything from Magnolia, since that would essentially take over the list"
Posted by: John Hays | July 03, 2008 at 02:40 PM
Good luck with your All The Right Moves marathon Steve! Happy birthday,Tom Cruise! May your mid-life crisis continue so we can have some more laughs with you!
Posted by: Miguel | July 03, 2008 at 12:57 PM
I remember watching Risky Business with a few girls from my gradeschool and they kept mentioning how hot Tom Cruise was. I remember I thought he looked like a complete nerd. I really didn't see it back then, but I was 11 years old and a red blooded male. Love your quotes, don't know how you pull the greatest quotes but you do.
Posted by: Neil | July 03, 2008 at 12:48 PM