Barry Manilow sings (gasp) the '80s!

There are certain things in the '80s world that don't belong together. Madonna and marriage. George Michael and public restrooms. Morrissey and a hot dog-eating contest. And as of today, Barry Manilow and the music from our beloved decade.

Manilow has made a fortune with his recent discs featuring the hits of the '50s, '60s and '70s. But there's something fundamentally evil in his attempt to capture the sounds of the '80s. It's a Rocky vs. Ivan Drago kind of thing. A clash of cultures. Surely Manilow really can't appreciate the decade's signature sounds -- New Wave, Electronica, Rap and American Punk. And certainly the fans of those genres have no use for the soft-FM showmanship of Mr. Manilow.

Still, in his brand-new The Greatest Songs of the Eighties, Manilow smartly avoids the edgier hits of the decade and wraps his elfin-E.T. physique around only those songs he can adapt to his sound. It's a shrewd, businesslike approach: Nobody I know wants to hear Barry wail out Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf, but his devoted Fanilows will be titillated to hear his takes on Kenny Rogers' Islands in the Stream and Chicago's Hard To Say I'm Sorry.

For the record, no way did I actually go and buy this CD in public. Rather, I downloaded the album from iTunes. Some dignity is saved after all. Click here to hear some highlights of the disc. And here we go, song by song...

ISLANDS IN THE STREAM: Hey, I don't want to die ... just yet. Reba McEntire takes over the duet duties from Dolly Parton, but Barry is no Kenny Rogers. He just sounds sleepy, and Reba just drowns him out. When the song swells toward the end, we're tortured with a "Stars on 45" clap-along.

OPEN ARMS: Somewhere, former Journey frontman Steve Perry is grasping his chest in horror. But truth be told, this rendition works. Sure, the orchestration is fully cheesed-out Vegas style, but Barry aims for and hits the notes.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP: Thanks to the undefinable appeal of Rick Astley and the Internet phenomenon of "Rick-rolling," his signature hit is quickly becoming a contender for most overplayed song of the decade. But I can say this with a straight face: Manilow's version is just as entertaining. Take that for what it's worth. See? Good song picks make ALL the difference. Can you imagine Barry picking Spandau Ballet's True here instead? (VIDEO)

HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY: Maybe it's the lack of animal protein in my diet lately, but I'm starting to buy in here. Granted, Van Morrison's 1989 song is no Brown-Eyed Girl or Gloria, so Barry just takes it for a nice, gentle spin around the block.

I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU: Ack! I spoke too soon. This wasn't a good song when Stevie Wonder wrote it back in '84. But backed by what can only be described as the "Austin Powers Orchestra," Manilow drags it to near comic depths.

AGAINST ALL ODDS: "Oh, take a look at me. There's just an empty space." Oh, we hear you, Barry. It's like someone ripped one of our favorite songs right out of our chests. "I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry." Yes, I may never smile again.

CARELESS WHISPER: The original 1984 ballad from Wham! rightfully deserves to be ridiculed. And yet, aside from the opening sax notes -- straight from your favorite porn flick -- Manilow shows mercy here and plays it straight. (An aside: I've finally stopped crying at my desk.)

RIGHT HERE WAITING: A very honorable and nearly identical version of the 1989 No. 1 hit by Richard Marx, thankfully bare of unnecessary orchestration. You did good, Barry.

ARTHUR'S THEME: Let's be fair -- few people can naturally channel the ghostly, surreal voice of Christopher Cross. The benefit of having Barry perform it? We can finally understand the lyrics. "I know it's crazy, but it's true."

HARD TO SAY I'M SORRY: No, it's not that hard, Barry. Start with, "I'm really, really sorry, Peter Cetera and Chicago, for attempting to cover your classic tune from 1982." And now apologize for overusing your backup singers on your rendition. I'd swear Barry also was changing the words here and there, except -- again -- I never really knew what Peter was singing anyway.

TIME AFTER TIME: Oh, I've got chills. Just not the good chills -- the kind you get after eating rancid potato salad. I'd love to hear Cyndi Lauper's reaction after hearing her '84 song redone (perhaps using a Casio keyboard bought for $45 on eBay), but right now I just need a warm blanket, some Gatorade and a very dark place to nap.

(I'VE HAD) THE TIME OF MY LIFE: Always beware of the last song on new CDs these days. I'm convinced artists hide their biggest sins here. This tune, originally performed by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes for 1987's Dirty Dancing soundtrack, falls shortest of all on this disc. The upside? If Barry holds true to his word and makes this his last album of hits from past decades, we won't have to worry about his rendition of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Nuthin' but a "G" Thang.

[Getty Images photo]

Comments

[Dawn]

I have never in all my life been as appauled as I was when I read this review. I think you people are the most closed minded of all humankind. I DARE you belittle Barry Manilow's talent the way you have. He wasn't trying to COVER these songs, he took them and made each and every one of them his own and in my opinion, did them FAR better than most of the origionals. A pig and a cow would sound better than Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton did in those days and i never liked I Just Called... in the first place but it takes a genious to do with this music what he does. Perhaps YOU people should go back to MALE steam baths and lock ins and play with your own kind because it's quite obvious to me that none of you have any respect for or even KNOW what GOOD MUSIC and REAL talent really is. When and IF Mr. Manilow ever reads this I hope he hungs you down and PUKES on your shoes. OH yeah I forgot you aren't worth it!

[Marissa]

ACK! Singing on key is not Barry's forte. He may write the songs that make the young girls cry, but he sings the songs that make this girl's ears bleed.

[Johnny B. Goode]

Steve,
You have to give every boss you ever worked for in Jacksonville amnesty. Nothing they ever made you do was as horrible as what you went through last night.

I prescribe some Jack (in a glass) and a full-volume listening of some Quiet Riot, stat.

[Joan]

I hate to tell all of you, but I love the cd. It's going to take a bit of time for some of the songs to grow on me, but I already love playing it. Of course I've been a Barry fan for 28 years so that does play into it somewhat. :-)

[Jeff]

What, no "She Bop"?

[chase]

From Fox News ... this really happened this week in Colorado:

Noise Violators Sentenced to Listen to Barry Manilow

Monday, November 24, 2008

FORT LUPTON, Colo. — Barry Manilow's "I Write the Songs" may begin with the line, "I've been alive forever,"' but for noise ordinance violators, listening to Manilow may feel like forever.

Fort Lupton Municipal Judge Paul Sacco says his novel punishment of forcing noise violators to listen to music they don't like for one hour has cut down on the number of repeat offenders in this northwestern Colorado prairie town.

About four times a year, those who plead guilty to noise ordinance violations are required to sit in a room and listen to music from the likes of Manilow, Barney the Dinosaur, and The Platters' crooning "Only You"

"These people should have to listen to music they don't like," said Judge Paul Sacco for a segment about the program that aired Friday on Denver's KUSA-TV.

Sacco began the program years ago when he noticed that many of the repeat offenders simply showed up at his courtroom to pay their fine with cash.

"Most kids don't want to hear somebody like Glen Close trying to sing opera," he said.

Video of a recent class showed teenagers with long faces shifting in their seats or looking up at the ceiling.

"You can't fall asleep," said teenager Rueben Fuentes right before letting out a bit of a sigh.

Members of a garage band were at the class after playing music late at night in their backyard.

"The cop station was two blocks away," said band member Robert Mort. "People who were at the party loved it. I'm not sure the cops did."

"Too much music, too loud, too late," added band member Harrison DeRuiter.

So what does Sacco think of Barry Manilow?

"I actually don't think Manilow's too bad," he said

[crockett]

I cant wait for Barry Sings the '90s -

Nirvana, Garbage, & Stone Temple Pilots watch out!

sex type thing - Manilow style!

[Michelle]

Watching him sing "Never Gonna Give You Up" and "Open Arms" was absolutely painful. Maybe I just need to listen without the visuals.

[Jeff in Cuba]

I know Barry says his march through the decades is through mercifully over, but I'm not buying it.

This CD will make huge money, just like its predecessors. And eventually, some Arista executive, faced with the horrifying alternative of actually coming up with something new, will talk him into another one.

After all, in the music business, the difference between the best million-selling album and the worst million-selling album is...

...nothing.

[Gary in Gilroy]

I'm sorry, I just don't get the current Barry mainlow fascination. In the 80s my hard rock friends, my pop friends, my new wave friends, and my punk friends would all agree that Barely Manenough flat out sucked. Today, he's got this quirky-trendy cult fanbase that astounds me. American Idol, I put the blame on you!!

I'll bet Jeff in Cuba could use that Cd for for breaking down prisoners in Gtmo.... (Don't let Amnesty International know).

[Bassnote]

Please don't put up the audio for "Against All Odds" or I'll need to get a new computer. Puke kind of messes it up beyond repair.

[crockett]

urgh

this whole things make me sick.

Hey instead why don't we revive our '80s singing friends - New Wheels on the Block:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCxDZRJKkqY

That might get us through today!
2.9 million views....

Poor Steve. I was going to invite him over for thanksgiving dinner, but now - forget it.

[Jeff in Cuba]

Fearless Leader,

Did you get the Manilow piece I sent (or tried to send) you?

[OldSchool]

Way to take one for the team.

I took a little issue with the album title. On who's list are those the "greatest songs of the eighties"???

[Joe]

Barry: Go back to the Men's Steam Baths, PLEASE!

[Heather]

I saw him on Leno last week...

I wanted to hurl like none other!

Reminds me of the comment from the Breakfast Club "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his closet"

The man needs to either stick to ruining his own music or retire before his entire face is swallowed by itsself and needs another facial surgery!

[Spears]

I'll try to add some audio links when the songs become available online.

[Spears]

I listened start to finish - every song.

Highlights:
- Right Here Waiting
- Have I Told You Lately
- Never Gonna Give You Up

Tolerable:
- Islands in the Stream
- Careless Whisper
- Open Arms
- Arthur's Theme

Get ready to hurl:
- I Just Called To Say I Love You
- Hard to Say I'm Sorry
- Time After Time
- Time of My Life

[angie]

Just how many songs do you have to suffer through?! And are you listening to them in entirely?

[Bassnote]

I'm already sick, but the thought of this CD is getting me close to projectile vomiting.

[angie]

It would've been great if he had done 'True'

[Walter Cox]

This assignment is clearly a violation of OSHA standards, and you should report it.

[Angie]

This is too funny. Every other commercial on last night was for this CD. Don't get me wrong, I like Barry, he's a wonderful singer, I hear he puts on a great show, but his singing style is not right for 80's tunes.

[mr. big dubya]

So - this is Barry Manilow doing Rod Stewart doing the American Songbook?

[Miguel]

Horrible!!!

Talking about 80s best songs.Nothing prepared me for the shock that was watching yesterday the top 10 80s classics on VH1.Here`s the top 5:
1-1999(Prince)
2-Material Girl(Madonna)
3-Billy Jean(Michael Jackson)
4-Sweet Child`o`Mine(Guns N`Roses)
5-Take On Me(A-Ha)

Horrible!!!