Fatal attraction: The story of Squirrel Girl

Tone Loc knows the pain of "fatal attractions." I'm betting he watched the 1987 flick with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close a dozen times in a row and this song wrote itself.

But all he really needed to do was talk to me a few years earlier, and I would have told him the story of Squirrel Girl. She was a sophomore at the University of Florida and we met at a social back in the fall of '86. One relatively unremarkable date later and suddenly -- irrationally -- she was everywhere. Waiting outside my door to walk to class. Lurking around the corner at happy hour with the guys. Hiring sky-writers for all I know.

After five days of increasingly annoying behavior, she popped out in full psycho mode: "Come home with me this weekend," she begged. "Pa has bagged a whole sack full of squirrels and we're gonna grill them up and have a big family dinner!" My face turned white, my stomach dropped into my shoes, and I quickly remembered my ... umm ... calculus midterm on Monday, that's it! Saved by math -- that was a first.

She dropped me on the spot. It seems the "big squirrel dinner" was the test any guy had to pass to truly win her heart. Math be damned, she reasoned, eating tree rodents fresh from the fire was far more important. And so we learn the real reason we learn calculus in college: To keep the Squirrel Girls at bay.

Tonight at 8, while hosting the American Idol live chat, I confront the demons of Squirrel Girl again as Tatiana Del Toro and other Idol castaways try to weasel their way into the Top 12 after justifiably being dismissed. Join me on Sean Daly's Pop Life blog as we document another low point in American prime time television history. I'm keeping my calculus textbook nearby. Just in case.

Comments

[Jen in Korea]

Thanks for making Dud Daters seem more normal. :-) No one ever tried to lure me home with roasted rodents...

[DerekT]

Nice story. I had a girl stalk me right after my wedding but not because of anything I did. When I was getting married to the ex, I invited a lot of co-workers to our bachelor party (in Germany the couple have a joint party were everyone in invited and they break a bunch of dishes) and this co -worker met my identical twin brother who flew over with my mom to be my best man. To make a long story short, this girl (who happened to be Greek) fell for my twin and since he went back to the states, she settled on stalking the guy who looks just like the one she hooked up with.

[LaLa]

Dolly Parton's family eats BBQ squirrel and loves it! Nothing wrong with that. Tastes alot like chicken they say.

[Neil]

Miguel, I had a similar experience with a girl in college, she wasn't really a stalker but we had a one night fling, and I was trying to avoid her, and I go to McDonalds and she is working there. Luckily I noticed it was her when I was waiting in line and was able to bail out before I got to the front to place my order. I could never go back to that McD's again, and it was the only one on campus.

[Miguel]

Eating squirrels?!?

I had a female stalker,but in high school.Beside trying to be everywhere i was,she would send me letters,first love letters,then death wishes letters. I saw her a Year or so ago.She`s a cashier in a supermarket in my neighborhood.With my damn luck,with dozens of possibilities i went to pay my grosseries where she was.Very awkward moment.

[Neil]

Come on Spears, squirrel is good eatin'!!!! This girl was a keeper, I am surprised she didn't end up be your future ex wife. Besides eating squirrel, she sort of acted like one too.

[Marissa]

HA! I'm sorry, but that's just too darn funny. At least she didn't talk to squirrels -- the real, fuzzy tailed ones, at least. Totally off her nut!

Sorry I'll miss Idol chat tonight. I'll miss the snark and banter, that is. All I can say is I hope they have enough tranquilizer to bring down an elephant if Tatiana doesn't make top 12.