Creamed bologna, chili dogs and showering: Birthdays in the '80s
Remember when birthdays used to be really fun? No, not like Sixteen Candles fun. Get serious.
They were like Christmas, I mean. You couldn't sleep the night before because you knew the next day a huge party was coming your way ... and possibly a new BMX bike with it.
At the very least, a huge feast was planned, and you picked the menu. I always leaned toward never-ending chili dogs.
Yep, those were the '80s for you. Good times all around. Never doubt that. It's the one constant in the universe. My universe anyway.
But here's the story of the greatest '80s birthday story of all. It was 1984, and I was spending the summer in Europe between my junior and senior years of high school.
On July 10, 1984, our group of about 12 students was in the small hamlet of Wil, Switzerland. We stayed at a small hostel-like hotel. The owners, knowing it was someone's birthday, laid out a huge spread of food for us. At the big moment, they brought in the main course: Huge steaming bowls of what we all swore looked like creamed bologna.
"Who's the birthday boy?" they asked. Everyone pointed at me. The bowls of shredded, creamy lunchmeat were put in front me. "What an honor," my best friend snickered. Turns out it was actually some type of veal, not bologna, and it was easily one of the best meals of my life.
We followed up dinner with MANY bottles of Lowenbrau Zurich and then I was thrown into the shower fully clothed (which was the birthday tradition on that trip, for some reason) along with a beautiful girl, Stephanie (pictured right here). The night ended with half the group all passed out, mostly undressed, in my bed.
And people wonder why I'm stuck in the '80s.
So today I turn 42. There will be no bicycles, no creamed veal, surely no Lowenbrau Zurich. But because I'm going to spend it in New Orleans, the chance for chili dogs (my beloved Lucky Dogs) is about 100 percent. And the odds that I end the night fully clothed in the shower are better than average. That a hot girl is with me? Very remote.
The point here: Enjoy the great birthdays -- and showers -- of your life when you have them. Because despite what the calendars say, they don't come along every year.
TOP 10 SHOWER SCENES OF THE '80s:
10. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981): Lynn-Holly Johnson explains to James Bond how she builds muscle tone.
9. BULL DURHAM (1988): A whole shower full of lollygaggers.
8. SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): John Hughes wasn't big on nudity in his flicks. And yes, there's a body double (Paula Elser) for Haviland Morris in the shower scene.
7. MORGAN STEWART'S COMING HOME (1987): Jon Cryer and his girlfriend wore horror masks while bathing.
6. DRESSED TO KILL (1980): That's Penthouse model Victoria Lynn, not Angie Dickinson, in the shower. Does it really matter?
5. VACATION (1983): "Could I do your back, honey?" ... "I've already done my back." ... "Could I do your front?"
4. WEIRD SCIENCE (1985): Note to Anthony Michael Hall: When showering with Kelly LeBrock, do not wear jeans.
3. RISKY BUSINESS (1983): "The dream is always the same." Everyone forgets the Tom Cruise movie opens with "Joel Goodsen" and his shower dream. "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." "So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream."
2. PORKY'S (1982): "Do not attempt to apprehend this p---k, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."
1. VALLEY GIRL (1983): Narrowly wins the top spot for three reasons. 1) It's not a dream. 2) All parties are nude, and we don't know exactly who the female is until the surprise twist. 3) They end up in bed, where they're eaten by the monster of love.
Relive the music, movies and culture of the greatest decade ever with Times online editor Steve Spears. A teen during the decade, Steve is obsessed with everything from Duran Duran to Journey, John Hughes to John Cusack, and parachute pants to Reaganomics.
E-mail Steve Spears:
In college,on your birthday, you had a mustache from me and the 80's freaks in colorado.
Posted by: Blake Britton | July 10, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Happy b-day, buddy. Totally whiffed on this one. Sorry about that. (It's been a weird month, don't have to tell you that.)
I'll get you outta the Lair when you return. Maybe Derby Lane? Bliss Library? Mons Venus Think Tank?
The FF will have to give me a night-out pass for this one.
Now go light up Bourbon Street.
XO,
Your Co-Host
Posted by: Sean Daly | July 10, 2009 at 05:27 PM
Happy Birthday Spearsy!!!
Posted by: Old School | July 10, 2009 at 04:33 PM
A happy birthday to you! I love this column!
Posted by: jon in bradenton | July 10, 2009 at 04:29 PM
I ought to add that it was on my 14th birthday that I was first Stuck in the 80s. For a present I was given the choice between Medal of Honor or GTA: Vice City for PS". I chose the latter and I've been Stuck in the 80s ever since...
Posted by: Roy, UK | July 10, 2009 at 04:08 PM
Happy Birthday Mr Spears!
Posted by: Roy, UK | July 10, 2009 at 04:06 PM
I have heard it said that no one is poor who has friends or a man can tell how rich he is by the number of friends he can count. Spears, you are one wealth Son of a Gun on your bday.
Posted by: GAGirl | July 10, 2009 at 03:43 PM
You had a 70's porn star mustasche in high school?
Posted by: Lori | July 10, 2009 at 03:36 PM
Happy Birthday Steve. You deserve to have a good time and I'll buy the first round when you get home. Be well, my friend.
dave
Posted by: Dave, aka Maestro | July 10, 2009 at 03:22 PM
Happy Birthday Steve, we love you! Have a great birthday, you deserve it.
Posted by: Carol Janssen | July 10, 2009 at 03:06 PM
Creator. Vincent Spano & Virginia Madsen. Absolutely amazing.
Posted by: Menni | July 10, 2009 at 02:24 PM
I'm just giving you the needle. Traditional on birthdays, don't you know.
You're still a good looking guy. And, as Sean frequently laments, the gals all dig you.
Happy birthday, again! Have a great time. Don't drive.
Posted by: Dr. Dim | July 10, 2009 at 02:15 PM
Wow, Dr. Dim. Harsh. That was 25 years ago. Give me another 6 months with my trainer and I'll be back. Except without the 'stache, feathered hair and Groucho Marx eyebrows.
Though it appears my legs are actually less hairy now. Not sure how that happened.
Posted by: Spears | July 10, 2009 at 01:51 PM
Wow, I'm late to this party! Happy Birthday Steve. I celebrated 42 at the end of May. Have a blast in New Orleans, and follow Jeff in Cuba's advice. I hope the day turns out far better than you ever expected. If I were there, the first few chili dogs would be on me.
Posted by: Bassnote | July 10, 2009 at 01:41 PM
Hope you have a good birthday have a dog for me. Love the blog and I am a religious listener to the podcast
Posted by: Andrew Csobadi | July 10, 2009 at 01:26 PM
Happy birthday from across the Atlantic,mate!
On the shower scenes don´t forget Private School.First Betsy Russell,then a group shower scene.Horrible movie,fun scenes.
Posted by: Miguel | July 10, 2009 at 12:23 PM
Congratulations, Steve, on the completion of your 42nd trip around the sun. May your next trip be a great one.
I ain't gay, but I will say you were a pretty good-looking fellow back in the day. What happened?
By the way, you share the same birthday as my older brother. However, he's six years older than you.
Have a great time in New Orleans. Happy birthday!
Posted by: Dr. Dim | July 10, 2009 at 11:47 AM
Nice pic. That 'stache looks very Timothy Dalton to me. Bond in the 80's.
Posted by: Ralph in Clearwater | July 10, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Mr. Spears, a most glorious anniversary of being birthed to you sir.
I would like to offer Walter "Gib" Gibson's shower-dream from THE SURE THING to that list; sure, expecting to find Nicollette Sheridan in your shower is nice, but actually finding Daphne Zuniga ain't bad niether.
Again, Happy Birthday, Spearsy.
Posted by: Alyfox/Dan Vhay | July 10, 2009 at 11:15 AM
Dude, I'm older than you are! And I miss the day of mustaches.
Posted by: Michelle | July 10, 2009 at 10:25 AM
Happy birthday, Steve! You and I are roughly the same age/vintage of 80s children. My fave 80s birthday memory is my sweet sixteen party in October 1983. My mom threw me a big party which included some unique entertainment. She hired an X-rated marionette puppetmaster. Beat that, Stuck in the 80s Nation! Best wishes for a happy birthday that hopefully does not include baloney of any sort, creamed especially. Although given the fact that we just lost the great Oscar Meyer this week (who knew that guy actually existed!?!), perhaps that would be a fitting tribute.
Posted by: Lissy | July 10, 2009 at 10:18 AM
I can grow the 'stache back, but then I'd look like Jim Carrey as the creepy men's room attendant in Cable Guy.
Posted by: Spears | July 10, 2009 at 10:10 AM
By the way that 'stache rivals the great Tom Selleck's! (Wasn't he #1 on the mustache list of the 80s?)
Posted by: GAGirl | July 10, 2009 at 10:07 AM
Steve,
have a great Birthday. Lucky dogs, beignet, and hurricanes at Pat O's what a way to celebrate. I vaguely remember a birthday in New Orleans. Don't go past the Voodoo Shop on Bourban Street
Posted by: warhawk85 | July 10, 2009 at 09:59 AM
What do you mean the chances of you ending the night with a hot girl are "very remote"? You're in New Orleans! They don't call it "The Big Easy" because the crossword puzzles are half-filled in! Remember, you're Steven Q. Spears; you're a multi-media mogul; you're a pop culture trend-setter; you used to have a moustache back in college...
Embrace the day, my friend, firm in the knowledge that your third 21-year stretch is going to be even better than the first two!
Posted by: Jeff in Cuba | July 10, 2009 at 09:43 AM
Happy Birthday....I will be turning 40 next month and it keeps bumming me out. I am holding on to 39 as long as I can. I work with several females that are in their twenties and they just had a party that was an 80's theme prom. I didn't really want to tell them that I actually went to prom in the 80's. I recall a few of my 80's birthdays, I actually remember I saw the Monkees at Poplar Creek on my birthday in 1986. Well, have fun in New Orleans and you are having a chili dog?? It sounds like someone is back on the meat now that VGF is gone.
Posted by: Neil | July 10, 2009 at 09:42 AM
"You say it's your birthday, da-na-na na-na-na, it's my birthday too, yeah!" Happy B-day. Nice 'stach!
Posted by: Gary in Gilroy | July 10, 2009 at 09:24 AM
Happy birthday Steve, I just turned 40 on the 3rd. I got a Palm Pre so I am happy despite the 40 milestone. Maybe Sean can make you a Smurf cake when you get back.
We love you bud. And if I was gay I would compliment you on the picture, but I'm not so I won't.
Posted by: Jason | July 10, 2009 at 09:20 AM
Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great time. I wish you all the best. Life does move fast, sometimes its best to slow down look around and enjoy.
Posted by: 80SFAN | July 10, 2009 at 09:14 AM
that's kinda weird, this weekend your in my area, and next weekend i'll be in your area. next weekend, me and some fellow workers are heading to orlando for a convention. i, like you, will probably consume too much goodness. have fun.
Posted by: CHAD | July 10, 2009 at 09:07 AM
Happy Birthday Spears! I hope you have a "totally rad" birthday. Sad to say as I sit here I never had a really GREAT birthday memory in the 80s. My mom and dad didn't do birthdays huge. I never had a birthday party until I was 16 and they gave me money so I could take my friends out to pizza. Maybe that is why I always make such a big deal of my kids birthdays. (How much time is left in this therapy session doctor?)
My daughter's birthday is next week but we are having her party TONIGHT. You are cordially invited to hang out with a bunch of preteens and go out to eat,come back and take part in a Spa Party and watch Beverly Hills Chihuahuas. Damn, I don't even want to be there. Do something great tonight and tell us all about it because some of us need to live vicariously through you.
PS. Now that I know how old you are tell Sean I am pissed at him. He acts like you need a walker and you are only 2 years older than me! Never mind - his 40 day is coming.
Posted by: GAGirl | July 10, 2009 at 09:07 AM
you're in my neck of the woods. if i didn't have to work tonight and tomorrow morning, i may have come over and had a brew. but since i have to work, i'll just say, happy b-day. don't have too much of anything. it can't be good.
Posted by: CHAD | July 10, 2009 at 09:06 AM
Happy Birthday!!
At least you get to go somewhere on your B-Day. Mine is next month(also turning 42 btw)and I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing, sitting at home with a couple frozen burritos(maybe I'll get a chili cheese dog hmmm) and and watching tv. Fun! Enjoy your Birthday!!
Posted by: The Man Known Only as.......Rowan | July 10, 2009 at 09:04 AM
Have a Stooges kind of birthday.
Eat,Drink and Beat Larry
Posted by: sock puppet | July 10, 2009 at 09:04 AM
Happy Birthday, Spearsy!!!
My mom was always the one to put the winning touches on birthdays and she passed away in '81 right before my sweet 16. My family did their best to make it monumental by inviting everyone I knew. I had fun, but I longed for my crush to arrive and he didn't. You remember my pathetic letter from the Music and Movies of Summer podcast, don't ya?
Anyway, I have no beef with birthdays or turning older. It means I've lived another full year.
I hope you have a great birthday. Live it up and go to one of those 'eat your weight in meat' places and have a drink on me.
Posted by: Marissa | July 10, 2009 at 09:01 AM
Happy Birthday Steve! Hope you have an 'awesome' birthday. I also miss my 80's birthdays. My fave would be my 5th grade birthday party watching the Thriller video disc at my home-first boy/girl party of my class. It was a punk theme and I still think of it as my favorite birthday party growing up. Hope you have an 80s'esque birthday.
Posted by: Beth | July 10, 2009 at 08:27 AM