Here's how they SHOULD handle Michael Jackson's funeral
We're all tired of waiting for the Jacksons to make up their minds on the funeral, aren't we? It didn't take Michael this long to perfect the moonwalk. But one week after his death, we're no closer it seems to knowing how the story will end.
So I'm proposing this solution. Hollywood, Joe, Katherine ... get out a notebook and pen:
HOLD A PRIVATE FUNERAL NOW: I mean right now. If not today, then Friday. Keep it small. Maybe even just family, Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross and Quincy Jones, who better show despite his insistence earlier this week that he's been to his last funeral. Cremate your beloved family member before his 1,000th autopsy and scatter the ashes by plane over Neverland Ranch.
THE PUBLIC MEMORIAL SERVICE: There's no rush here. Take your time. Let's say one month from his death. Hold it at the L.A. Coliseum. Sell tickets if you want (Joe will like that idea). And here's the program:
1. Let Ryan Seacrest emcee the evening, which will be broadcast live around the world (not pay-per-view). Not that Seacrest has any special Jackson connection, but frankly he's about the only person we can trust with these types of jobs anymore.
2. Schedule a bunch of live performance tributes from bands influenced by Michael. Even let David Cook do his little Billie Jean thing again. Get Adam Lambert to do Black or White. (Two Idols and Seacrest? I think Fox will wanna pay for this whole enchilada.)
3. Meanwhile, over in London, stage a similar tribute from London's O2 Arena, the would-be site of his 50-date comeback tour. Just like Live-Aid, organizers should simulcast performances from London to L.A. and back. I'm picturing Elton John singing Ben at a grand piano, with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra behind him.
4. Halfway through the tribute, cut to Cebu, Philippines, where Filipino inmates will stage a LIVE version of their infamous Thriller dance.
5. The dramatic conclusion of the night, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 -- with sister Janet -- take the stage in '80s-era outfits to perform a live medley of hits with huge video screens behind them showing vintage footage of Michael. Not a dry eye in the house.
Should you decide to adopt this plan, I ask little in return for myself except a first-class plane ticket to Los Angeles. Not to attend the tribute, but to go and get that promised one-on-one pilates/yoga session with Valley Girl's Deborah Foreman.
Because some things in life are more important than Michael Jackson.
Relive the music, movies and culture of the greatest decade ever with Times online editor Steve Spears. A teen during the decade, Steve is obsessed with everything from Duran Duran to Journey, John Hughes to John Cusack, and parachute pants to Reaganomics.
E-mail Steve Spears:
Thanks for your nice suggestion. Music is one of the purest and most beautiful creations of God Almighty who set the tone and rhythm of every sound in the universe.Michael Jackson is very lucky that he died after being a Muslim.
Posted by: alice | August 31, 2009 at 08:10 AM
Yes!! The first ray of sanity I've seen all week. Sounds like a perfect plan for everyone! You are teh awsum!
Posted by: Spoop | July 08, 2009 at 03:20 AM
Its time for Jackson to rest, too much delay, he was famous yes, and we would all miss him, but let him rest in peace.his body is being kept way too long
Posted by: SANDRA RAGBIR | July 06, 2009 at 03:21 PM
poor michael. even in death hes bombarded with fans.
Posted by: jackson fan | July 05, 2009 at 02:00 PM
I think I will stay home and beat it.
Posted by: Jon | July 03, 2009 at 01:23 PM
Plant him face down so I can park my bicycle.
Posted by: Mic | July 03, 2009 at 01:04 PM
Seacrest? Chris Tucker!!!
Posted by: olde40oz | July 03, 2009 at 07:50 AM
Stick him in the ground, play thriller while enacting a voodoo ceremony that will bring him back from the dead. That's the way he looks anyway.
I feel like somebody's watching me...
Posted by: Rockwell | July 02, 2009 at 06:05 PM
I'm weeping in private.
MinA
Posted by: MinA | July 02, 2009 at 05:10 PM
Way too classy for what is about to go down. It shows that someone actually used their brain and chose taste over trash. Good one Spears. I shudder to think what the real situation will be.
Posted by: GAGirl | July 02, 2009 at 04:14 PM
Love it!!
Posted by: special K stuck in Kentucky wanting to go back to Germany | July 02, 2009 at 03:55 PM
I'm guessing your plan turns out to be way more tasteful than what actually happens.
Posted by: Colette | July 02, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Wow!Nice. I think they´re planning a tribute show at the O2 Arena in London.
I loved when the guy who was organizing the MJ shows in London,on the verge of having to return about 50 Million Dollars in tickets,said very gently that people who bought the tickets shouldn`t ask for the money back.Keep the tickets as a memory,he said. (And I keep the money,he didn´t say,but we understood).
Posted by: Miguel | July 02, 2009 at 02:00 PM
They should be FedEx-ing you that plane ticket today.
Posted by: Bassnote | July 02, 2009 at 01:43 PM
Great suggestions, Spears!!!
Posted by: Spiky Sandy | July 02, 2009 at 10:48 AM
Bravo! See, insomnia has a pay off! And I hope you get that yoga session.
Posted by: Marissa | July 02, 2009 at 10:18 AM
Brilliant Spears!
Posted by: Joe | July 02, 2009 at 09:57 AM