Prepare to have childhood memories crushed: 'G.I. Joe' could be year's worst movie

Do you still have nightmares seeing Dolph Ludgren as "He-Man" in 1987's Masters of the Universe?  Get ready for more sleepless nights because the word in Hollywood is that the big-screen version of '80s cartoon G.I. Joe is the runaway contender for worst movie of 2009.

The website io9.com called G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra "Showgirls meets Plan 9." That's seriously brilliant commentary.

"We're all expecting G.I. Joe to be one of the worst movies of all time -- but we were actually overestimating it," the blog says. "Judging from the novelization, G.I. Joe will be a masterpiece of badness."

The movie opens Aug. 7. Check the official website for trailers and more hype. If you can stomach it.

Not everyone, though agrees with the doomsayers. Comicbookmovie.com actually gives it a lukewarm review -- damn near a glowing one compared to others.

"I've been familiar with G.I. Joe since I was a kid. I remember the cartoon, the silly PSAs and, of course, the toys. However, I was never a die hard fan or anything like that. After seeing the trailers, and realizing it looked pretty much nothing like the G.I.Joe I remember, I wasn't expecting much," writes its reviewer. "So, with that said, here's the short version: It wasn't great, but it wasn't the train wreck I expected. Also, it was more enjoyable than Transformers 2."

Of course, that's like saying Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was better than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Comments

[insurance appointment setting]

You're not G.I. Joe, that super suit is made of pure lies!

[amy]

Okay all you people whining about how the movie "isn't really G.I.Joe because when I was a kid..." let me give you a clue. The makers of this movie don't really care if you like it or not. They are marketing it for kids TODAY, not people who used to be kids. Plain fatigues, fuzzy beard and hair, etc. would never, ever, ever fly with the kids today who expect every movie to have technological flash and exotic weaponry, etc. If the GI Joe movie, or transformers for that matter, was made EXACTLY THE WAY YOU REMEMBERED IT then it would be too far outside of cool for your kids to bother. They would be plain bored. For them it would be like playing with wooden blocks after they put down the Wii. Get over it. If you want the GI Joe the way you remember it then buy the DVD boxsets that are out. But don't slam the movie because it isn't what you think it should be. Enjoy it for what it is, a summer popcorn action flick.

[JB]

If the thing wasn't titled GI Joe The Rise of Cobra, you couldn't tell what the hell it is based on the trailer. Just another mindless action movie with a borrowed title...

[Bob]

It was what I made GI Joe do to Ken that made me realize I was gay. Let's hear it for action figures!

[bob]

i never thought about it but temple of doom is better than crystal skull. that's the most depressing thing i've ever heard. thanks for ruining my day.

[Joey]

sometimes the movies with the worst reviews end up becoming our favorites. Big Trouble in Big China. Bruce Willis action movies (my fave), any Govenor Arnold movie, and let's not forget any kung fu movie ever made. maybe this will become one of those movies.

[Neil]

This G.I. Joe looks like Batman. If I wanted to see Batman, I would just go see that movie. I sort of agree with Ellen, I still want to see this movie, and I don't really think it destroys any childhood memories of my G.I. Joe. My G.I. Joe had the fuzzy hair but it rubbed off and he had a bald spot. I had G.I. Joe that was losing his hair!!! I ended up destroying both my G.I. Joe and Kiss doll because my friends made fun of me for still having them when I was 12 years old.

[Kevy Metal]

Ellen I love they way you dance up and down the aisles for your audience. It's funny stuff. Do you have any info you can reveal about the up-coming Arrested Development movie?

[Ellen]

Why not wait and see the movie first? BTW - not everyone hated Transformers 2. People I went with liked it - and they were big fans of the original Transformers "back in the day". As for GI Joe - do you really think with the technology now that they would keep it as it was back then? The same people who do not like the changes now would have not liked that either.

[Kevy Metal]

Brad and Chase you've touched on what was my reaction to this story. The GI Joe of the 80's that is being remembered so fondly was already derivative of the original 12" doll with the "Kung-fu grip". You could dress him in a variety of fatiges and safari suits. I had one with not one but two all-terrain trucks, one of which had a cage on the back for the ape-man doll that GI Joe would never fail to capture. And he did make a better mate for my sister's Barbie than Ken ever could.

[Bassnote]

I went to see "Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince" yesterday, and was bombarded by a preview of "G.I. Joe." It looked horrendous. I felt like I had suffered hearing damage after the preview was over. Big explosions and lots of volume, way to go Hollywood.

[Steve Bin Laden]

GI Joe is a toy made and sold by Hasbro. This is interesing because Hasbro usually makes the toys for movies under liscense. They did it for Star Wars for example. Michael Bay directed "Transformers" which was also a box office success. I guess they get the best of both worlds, box office revenues, and more profit per toy since they don't have to pay the liscensing fees.

This is perhaps a crushing blow to Hasbro because if the movie tanks, the toys won't get the sales lift.

Ah but don't worry, they have Chutes and Ladders, My Little Pony, and Battleship in their arsanel.

[Miguel]

Here it was called Action Man,not GI Joe.

The movie can be even worse than Transformers 2?Because that was probably the worst blockbuster of the decade.

[Angel]

Could not agree more. This movie's previews look horrible. I can barely stand looking at the whole "fancy suit" (whatever the hell that bodysuit schtick is). I was not a hardcore GI Joe fan, but I certainly liked it, along with a lot of the other cartoons of the time. Transformers films have been awful. I saw the first (rented), and I cringed at how bad it was (sure, you have a lot of explosions, fancy CGI, and a "hot" bimbo with a moronic guy that no reality would get the time of day from said bimbo). It was painful to watch. I am refusing to watch the second. Not sure if I can bring myself to watch this GI Joe. I may just run to the nearest store and get me some DVDs with the good old stuff.

Hollywood is pretty much out of creativity. It's pretty much drag something out of the past, regardless of whether it was good or not (Land of the Lost anyone?), hype it up, pimp it up with special effects like you pimp up a car in "Pimp my ride," then watch the kiddies with no clue who like shiny stuff line up to plunk their money. Sad indeed.

Best, and keep on blogging.

[Brad]

Let me don my "crotchety old man" suit for a moment here. If we're talking about G.I. Joe and childhood memories, let's get one thing straight. The 80's G.I. Joe cartoon already messed around with them - back in *my* day G.I. Joe was one guy.

And yes, Marissa, he provided an intriguing match for my sister's Barbie when she tired of pretty-boy Ken.

[Ellen]

BTW-yes I misspelled "stars". I noticed it too late. ;)

[Ellen]

Oh here we go again. Steve starts bashing a movie and will probably have nothing good to say about it even if others like it.

I personally cannot wait to see it. I like the way the trailer looks. I like the starts in it. I am willing to give it a chance. Not have preconceived notions that it will be bad.

As for the "childhood memories"? Oh come on. If you went back to revisit your fond memory you it would probably not be as good as you think it is.

[chase]

Oh, lord, this looks atrocious. Hey, anyone here remember the PRE-80s version of GI Joe? The ones that were about 12 inches tall and had fuzzy heads, fuzzy beards and the kung fu grip? Bring back fuzzy GI Joe!

[The Man Known Only as.......Rowan]

From what I've seen of the trailers. This movie makes Masters of the Universe look like a Classic

[Michelle]

I'm beginning to wish people "our age" weren't in charge of TV commercials and movies. They are ruining the collective good memories of our icons!

[John]

I grew up in the 80's and loved GI Joe, and this movie will be nothing like what we remember growing up. However if they made the movie to match what we remember I don't think anyone would want to see it due to the lack of stupid special effects and big explosions.

[Kimberly]

I swear G.I. Joe wore fatigues.

[Keith T]

The only good thing about the movie I see might just be The Baroness......and Scarett!

[Keith T]

I was one of those kids from the 80s that loved GIJoe. I had the toys, the comic books, watched the TV show and even watched the animated movie when it came out. I'll admit that I was excited when I heard about the movie but after seeing the trailer and the accelarater (sp?) suits, I was kinda turned off. Come on, the scene where they are running and jumping and dodging the rockets just look silly!

[Marissa]

There's a new generation that salivates over movies like this. Yeah, it screws with our fond memories, but my son has no recollection of simple animation G.I Joe. It's all about the high tech shtick.

G.I. Joe action figures held one purpose in my life as a child: A manly mate for Barbie. For whatever reason my parents wouldn't give me a Ken doll.

[GAGirl]

Hollywood doesn't care they are pimpin' out our childhood memories. They just need to make some quick money and there is not enough of a creative pool so they are dipping into the past for a quick and easy fix. They know that if they put enough special effects and hype it enough it will make enough money to carry it and show a profit (no matter how bad it is and no matter how much it bastardizes the memory of something).