Flash Gordon, Xanadu, Buckaroo Banzai: Name the campiest movies of the '80s

Is Flash Gordon, that masterpiece featuring Sam Jones, Max von Sydow and Timothy Dalton, the campiest movie of the '80s?

It might not even be the campiest movie of 1980. Consider the competition that year: Xanadu, Smokey and the Bandit II, The Blue Lagoon, Popeye.

But with Flash Gordon and its killer Queen soundtrack playing this Saturday at the Beach Theatre in St. Pete Beach -- for free -- I'm leaning toward giving it a secured top 5 status.

Of course, what we need to do now is simple: Name the campiest movies of the '80s. I'll give you broad authority to define "campy" any way you want. But to me, it's a movie that's incredibly fun to watch because it's unintentionally comic, ironic but yet sentimental.

Name as many movies as you want, but here are five that would make my list, which I'll publish later this week once your suggestions are in:

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION (1984): Longest title for a movie I'd really never want to see again, though I'm told by half the English-speaking world that I'm just missing the campy qualities. It better be campy, because with lines like this -- "Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are" -- it's sure not clever.

ZAPPED (1982): It has Scott Baio, Willie Aames and Scatman Crothers. Need I say more? If memory serves, I think Baio's model of the Starship Enterprise takes flight (strings clearly attached) and attacks his dog. Sad thing is that I know for certain I once owned the soundtrack, including the very romantic (to a 13-year-old anyway) tune Got To Believe in Magic by the velvet-singing David Pomeranz.

IRON EAGLE (1986): Hard to believe Louis Gossett Jr. won an Oscar for Officer and a Gentleman just four years before putting out this stinker. Oh sure, we love it. Mainly for Queen's signature tune One Vision ("Fried chicken!") and for lines like this: "Looks like they'll be importing oil this year, Chappy."

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN (1985): Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt before they were truly famous! But it violates the most important rule of serious movie-making: Never name your movie after a hit song.  (I'm looking at you Patrick Dempsey ... Can't Buy Me Love? Great movie, lousy title.)

THE EXPERTS (1989): Remember when John Travolta made really strange movie choices? Yep, the '80s. But there's something about this tale of two suckers brought to the Soviet Union to open a nightclub that still is appealing. Must be co-star Deborah Foreman!

So what other campy movies of the '80s belong on the list?

Name the greatest bro-mances of the '80s

Don't let the hype fool you. Just because I Love You Man and The Hangover were box office treasure booty, and a new season of HBO's Entourage is premiering tonight, remember this: The bro-mance was perfected many moons ago in a magical land called "Eighties-ville."

It was a time when men were men, women were women, and if the two were mixing, there better be a Spandau Ballet song playing in the background.

So what I want to know is: What are your favorite bro-mances of the '80s? You can pick from movies or TV for this list. Here are some that need consideration:

FERRIS AND CAMERON (Ferris Bueller's Day Off): There would have been no "Day Off" without both Matthew Broderick and Alan Ruck teaming up. Is it the best John Hughes bro-mance or would that be ...

GARY AND WYATT (Weird Science):Not even Kelly LeBrock could separate Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith -- from their jeans or each other.

RAY HUGHES AND DANNY COSTANZO (Running Scared): So good together, nobody really remembers their character names. Just say Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal. And cue up Sweet Freedom by Michael McDonald.

JACK CATES AND REGGIE HAMMOND (48 Hours): Okay, so it was more of a love-hate relationship. But it's just fun to look way back in time to when Eddie Murphy was ... funny.

RIGGS AND MURTAUGH (Lethal Weapon): Given the current state of the careers of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, you know they're rooting for a rekindling of their bro-mance. Big time.

What other bro-mances need to be on the list?

The Big Easy: 'If I can't have you, can I have my gator?'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's The Big Easy, which is appropriate because this is automatically publishing on my blog at the very minute my plane is expected to land in New Orleans. The film stars Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin who both, according to IMDB.com, consider this their favorite film.

THE PLOT: A homicide detective (Quaid) has two problems: solving a series of gang killings and fighting off a police corruption investigation led by a lovely attorney from the D.A.'s office (Barkin).

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Jim Garrison, the judge in Quaid's bribery case, is an actual judge in New Orleans and played himself. He was the subject of Oliver Stone's 1991 film JFK (where he was played by Kevin Costner).

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: New Orleans is practically a co-star in the film, with scenes shot in prominent locations such as Tipitina's and Antoine's. Ironically, the film was supposed to be set in Chicago and be called Windy City.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "The Big Easy is one of the richest American films of the year. It also happens to be a great thriller. I say 'happens,' because I believe the plot of this movie is only an excuse for its real strength: the creation of a group of characters so interesting, so complicated and so original they make a lot of other movie people look like paint-by-number characters." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE STILL LOVE IT TODAY: All the food scenes? The fun accents? Sure, those are nice, but the bedroom seduction scene between Quaid and Barkin still boils our crawdaddys some 20 years later.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM THE BIG EASY:

5. "Why don't you just face it, Remy? You're not one of the good guys anymore."

4. "You're a cop for God's sake, you're supposed to uphold the law, but instead you bend it and twist it and sell it."

3. "I never did have much luck with sex anyway." ... "Your luck's about to change, cher. "

2. "New Orleans is a marvelous environment for coincidence."

1. " If I can't have you, can I have my gator?"

Creamed bologna, chili dogs and showering: Birthdays in the '80s

Remember when birthdays used to be really fun? No, not like Sixteen Candles fun. Get serious.

They were like Christmas, I mean. You couldn't sleep the night before because you knew the next day a huge party was coming your way ... and possibly a new BMX bike with it.

At the very least, a huge feast was planned, and you picked the menu. I always leaned toward never-ending chili dogs.

Yep, those were the '80s for you. Good times all around. Never doubt that. It's the one constant in the universe. My universe anyway.

But here's the story of the greatest '80s birthday story of all. It was 1984, and I was spending the summer in Europe between my junior and senior years of high school.

On July 10, 1984, our group of about 12 students was in the small hamlet of Wil, Switzerland. We stayed at a small hostel-like hotel. The owners, knowing it was someone's birthday, laid out a huge spread of food for us. At the big moment, they brought in the main course: Huge steaming bowls of what we all swore looked like creamed bologna.

"Who's the birthday boy?" they asked. Everyone pointed at me. The bowls of shredded, creamy lunchmeat were put in front me. "What an honor," my best friend snickered. Turns out it was actually some type of veal, not bologna, and it was easily one of the best meals of my life.

We followed up dinner with MANY bottles of Lowenbrau Zurich and then I was thrown into the shower fully clothed (which was the birthday tradition on that trip, for some reason) along with a beautiful girl, Stephanie (pictured right here). The night ended with half the group all passed out, mostly undressed, in my bed.

And people wonder why I'm stuck in the '80s.

So today I turn 42. There will be no bicycles, no creamed veal, surely no Lowenbrau Zurich. But because I'm going to spend it in New Orleans, the chance for chili dogs (my beloved Lucky Dogs) is about 100 percent. And the odds that I end the night fully clothed in the shower are better than average. That a hot girl is with me? Very remote.

The point here: Enjoy the great birthdays -- and showers -- of your life when you have them. Because despite what the calendars say, they don't come along every year.

TOP 10 SHOWER SCENES OF THE '80s:

10. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981): Lynn-Holly Johnson explains to James Bond how she builds muscle tone.

9. BULL DURHAM (1988): A whole shower full of lollygaggers.

8. SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): John Hughes wasn't big on nudity in his flicks. And yes, there's a body double (Paula Elser) for Haviland Morris in the shower scene.

7. MORGAN STEWART'S COMING HOME (1987): Jon Cryer and his girlfriend wore horror masks while bathing.

6. DRESSED TO KILL (1980): That's Penthouse model Victoria Lynn, not Angie Dickinson, in the shower. Does it really matter?

5. VACATION (1983): "Could I do your back, honey?" ... "I've already done my back." ... "Could I do your front?"

4. WEIRD SCIENCE (1985): Note to Anthony Michael Hall: When showering with Kelly LeBrock, do not wear jeans.

3. RISKY BUSINESS (1983): "The dream is always the same." Everyone forgets the Tom Cruise movie opens with "Joel Goodsen" and his shower dream. "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." "So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream."

2. PORKY'S (1982): "Do not attempt to apprehend this p---k, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

1. VALLEY GIRL (1983): Narrowly wins the top spot for three reasons. 1) It's not a dream. 2) All parties are nude, and we don't know exactly who the female is until the surprise twist. 3) They end up in bed, where they're eaten by the monster of love.

Everything we need to know, we can learn from a Sylvester Stallone movie

He doesn't look like the same lovable loser from the first couple Rocky movies anymore, but give Sylvester Stallone a break. He turns 63 years old today. That's nearly the same age Burgess Meredith was when played the manager to the Italian Stallion. Yeesh.

Say what you like about some of the stinkers in Stallone's career -- and, well yeah, he had a couple: Rhinestone, Cobra ... and we dare not mention Oscar and Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot. (Hope they paid well, at least.)

These days, Stallone is keeping a lower profile but he's still hard at work in front of the camera. Look for him in 2010 in The Expendables and The Zookeeper. And yes, a Rambo V is reportedly in the works for 2011. (What's the possible plot line? John Rambo running the local VFW?)

But the point here is deep, deep down inside nearly every Stallone flick, there's a nugget of wisdom that can be mined and used when life's got you down. So fire up your DVD player and get ready to learn, because this list is Sly's birthday gift to the rest of us.

TOP 5 LINES OF WISDOM FROM STALLONE FLICKS:

5. "There are no friendly civilians!"  (First Blood)

4. "Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere." (Lock Up)

3. "Boy, sometimes charity really hurts!" (Rocky III)

2. "Rambo's a p---y." (Tango & Cash)

1. "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life." (Rocky IV)

[AP photo]

This is crazy ... this is crazy: Name the best pool scenes of the '80s

Holiday weekends here in the subtropic lands of Florida, home of Stuck in the '80s, mean one thing: Time to hit the pool.

But before Sean Daly and I squeeze into our matching lime green speedos and water-wings, we usually look for a little inspiration from our favorite '80s movies. And there's no shortage of material.

Of course, he and I differ on our favorite scenes. He leans toward Chevy Chase in the hotel pool with Christie Brinkley. But that's because the family man in him is a real life Clark Griswold. As a newly swinging bachelor (who am I kidding? I'm sitting home alone per usual watching VH1 Classic at 7 in the morning on a holiday), I like my pool scenes a little more R-rated.

So we want your suggestions: What were the definitive pool scenes from movies in the 1980s? Here are some that have to be on the list.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): Phoebe Cates, fantasy scene or not, in a bikini is reason enough to stand up and salute the flag today. It also prompts the question that has haunted teenaged boys since the dawn of time: "Doesn't anybody f---ing" knock anymore?"

SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): Michael J. Fox gets taken out Jaws-style by his aunt/boss's wife. Decide for yourself which of those is creepier.

CADDYSHACK (1980): The unforgettable Caddy Day at Bushwood Country Club's pool. The synchronized swim -- to the tune of Waltz of the Flowers -- was often imitated in the '80s but never duplicated. Sad to say, though, everyone has tried the "Baby Ruth" trick since then.

RECKLESS (1984): Nobody gives this movie any credit. But you've never seen an erotic pool scene until you watch Daryl Hannah and Aidan Quinn in this high school flick written by Chris Columbus.

Okay, what scenes are we forgetting? Name your favorites.

"Stay Black:" Spike Lee's 'Do the Right Thing' turns 20

It's a question that has haunted film fans and director Spike Lee since June 30, 1989, when Do The Right Thing was released.

"White people still ask me why Mookie threw the can through the window," Lee said in an interview with the Associated Press. "Twenty years later, they're still asking me that. No black person ever, in 20 years, no person of color has ever asked me why."

And 20 years later, there is no answer from Lee about the climactic scene outside the Brooklyn pizza shop in the film that made him a household name. Lee wrote and directed the movie, but also played the part of Mookie.

"People were fearful of the backlash," Rosie Perez tries to explain, in her AP interview. (Perez played Mookie's Puerto Rican girlfriend, Tina, and dances to Fight The Power during the opening credits.) "A lot of things happening in the movie were happening in real life. People were afraid when the truth, although a little exaggerated, was put up on the screen for everyone to see."

Sadly, Do The Right Thing came up short at the annual award shows, though at the Oscars Danny Aiello was nominated for best supporting actor and Lee was nominated for best original screenplay. Still, Chicago Sun-Times film critic Roger Ebert was so moved at seeing the movie, the AP says, that he was left crying at its conclusion. (Read his full review here.)

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM DO THE RIGHT THING:

5. "Trust you? The last time I trusted you, Mookie, I ended up with a son."

4. "You fool! You're thirty cents away from having a quarter!"

3. "One day you're gonna be nice to me. We may both be dead and buried, but you're gonna be nice."

2. "My people, my people, what can I say, say what I can. I saw it but didn't believe it, I didn't believe what I saw. Are we gonna live together, together are we gonna live?"

1. "Stay Black."

If not for Michael Jackson, who would have ruled as King of Pop during the '80s?

As the world settles in for what is sure to be weeks if not months of second-guessing the life and death of Michael Jackson, here at Stuck in the '80s I find myself pondering a different question:

If not for Michael Jackson, his Thriller album, the landmark videos, etc. and so on ... who would have served as the King of Pop during the 1980s?

Who would have been the face of music that decade? The trendsetter? The innovator? And perhaps the one who self-destructed under the pressure of wearing the crown?

Obviously, everyone should add their own opinion below. But here are some names that come to mind right off the top of my head:

GEORGE MICHAEL: He left one best-selling group to go solo and found even more success. That sounds a lot like M.J. But aside from the obnoxious "Choose Life" neon shirts from Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go and the ripped-jeans look from his solo videos, his trendsetting accomplishments don't really stack up.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: Sure, it's a '70s guy. (So was Michael.) But his landmark album -- Born in the USA -- was smack in the middle of the '80s. But aside from marrying Julianne Phillips, what other '80s-ness did he really do?

BONO: U2 was probably the band of the decade (depending how you define that vague label), but it just feels weird to hand all the credit over to its frontman. Plus, Bono had a mullet. (Is that a pro or a con in this argument?) In any case, I think Bono would decline the honor.

MADONNA: Maybe we should be talking about the "Queen of Pop" instead of King of Pop. A product of the Midwest (like Jackson), she sparked fashion trends, wowed audiences with her TV performances and has sold more records than anyone else on this list.

BOY GEORGE: Finally someone who can be both the king and queen of pop. Surely, Boy's look was a defining image of the decade. And like Michael, his personal life threatens to wipe out memories of the anything he recorded. But does the quality of his music hold up its end of the equation? Probably not.

PRINCE: Okay, okay. Now we're talking. Very eccentric personality. Musical genius. Great dancer. Won an Oscar and Grammy for Purple Rain. Did it all without any noticeable or publicized plastic surgery. Sure, his purple-infused French Revolution overcoat fashion statement didn't catch on like the single, white glove. And he had no Moonwalk (though he writhing and grinding during Computer Blue and Darling Nikki was just as fun ... and easier to replicate). 

What other stars are worthy of wearing the crown of King of Pop during the '80s?

Here endeth the lesson: 10 best gangster movies of the '80s

The '80s will never be known as the "Gangster Movie Decade" -- that honor is a tie between the '30s and '90s, I'd wager -- but we didn't do so poorly either.

I caught a trailer of Public Enemies, with Johnny Depp's freshly shaven mug in theaters, over the weekend and frankly wasn't impressed. I'm not saying I stopped watched Depp after 21 Jump Street or anything, but I'd be shocked if we're still talking about this movie three weeks from now.

So instead, I give you a list of 10 movies that we can still talk about 20 years later. No, they're not all great. Some are downright embarrassing. But I'm betting they were made for a fraction of the coin and with half the hype laid out for Public Enemies.

TOP 10 GANGSTER MOVIES OF THE '80s:  

10. HARLEM NIGHTS (1989): Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor. "What if we made love real hard for 35 minutes then drop off into a deep, coma like sleep?"

9. WISE GUYS (1986): Danny DeVito, Joe Piscopo. "I hate this f------g job!"

8. THE COTTON CLUB (1984): Richard Gere, Gregory Hines. "You've got about as much style as a bowl of turnips."

7. JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY (1984): Michael Keaton, Joe Piscopo. "Why you miserable cork-soaker!"

6. ATLANTIC CITY (1980): Burt Lancaster, Susan Sarandon. "It used to be beautiful - what with the rackets, whoring, guns."

5. PRIZZI'S HONOR (1985): Jack Nicholson, Kathleen Turner. "Do I ice her? Do I marry her?"

4. MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988): Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Modine. "Everything we own fell off a truck!"

3. ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984): Robert De Niro, James Woods. "I took away your whole life from you. I've been living in your place. I took everything. I took your money, I took your girl. All I left for you was 35 years of grief over having killed me. Now why don't you shoot?"

2. SCARFACE (1983): Al Pacino, Michelle Pfeiffer. "The only thing in this world that gives orders... is balls. "

1. THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987): Kevin Costner, Sean Connery. "You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson."

'Buck up little camper:' Name the best cheer-you-up movies of the '80s

As of midnight Sunday, the Saddest Week in Stuck in the '80s finally concludes. Tip of the the fedora with my white-gloved hand to Michael Jackson for really punctuating the theme.

And so with the new week comes the first chore ... a much needed one: Let's name the Best Cheer-Me-Up Movies of the 1980s.

You know, the flicks that you turn to on a dark day to chase away the clouds. They don't necessarily need to be comedies, but obviously those have a built-in edge. If there's a theme over overcoming a crushing breakup -- or defeating mythic Greek monsters, naturally I'm going to be tempted to award bonus points.

I really want your picks (the ones you watch and the ones you'd recommend to friends), but here are a couple that pop to my mind right away:

BETTER OFF DEAD (1985): John Cusack makes a fast and funny recovery from a breakup thanks to one of the greatest best friends of the '80s Charles De Mar (Curtis Armstrong) and uber-sexy French neighbor Monique (Diane Franklin).

HISTORY OF THE WORLD PART 1 (1981): How can Mel Brooks not cheer you up? The only thing sad about this movie is seeing the brilliant actors who are no longer with us -- Dom DeLuise, Harvey Korman, Madeline Kahn -- but definitely telling excrement jokes in the big theater in the sky.

VICTORY (1981): Maybe it's just me, but there's nothing more fun than a fictitious soccer game between Allied POWs and the Nazis held in the center of occupied Paris during WW2. If you're not on your feet at the ending, you're probably German. Or you really, really hate organized sports.

AIRPLANE! (1980): It was our top pick for best comedies of the '80s. See what other movies made the top 10.

DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS (1988): One of the most criminally underrated movies of the '80s. Michael Caine + Steve Martin = comedy gold. "Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!"

What else needs to be on the list?