Tom Waits goes paperless for tour

Tom Waits is hitting the road for a tour of the Southern United States this summer -- "where they still love a man who wears red pants and they make him feel welcome," he says online -- but that's not the most interesting curiosity of this news.

Waits is going to be the first artist to use Ticketmaster's new paperless ticket system. Instead of being issued a ticket via mail or will-call, concert goers will need to bring the credit card they used to buy their seats along with a government-issued ID card (a driver's license will do). An attendant will swipe the card and provide a receipt.

The new system is intended to cut down on scalpers.

Tickets for the Waits tour go on sale Friday, May 16. The tour begins June 17 in Phoenix and winds up July 5 in Atlanta. There's one Florida date on the tour -- July 1 in Jacksonville. (Tom, trust me, in Jacksonville, a man who wears red pants is not only unwelcome -- but he's taking his own life into his hands.)

[AP photo]

25 greatest TV theme songs of the 80s

The tunes defined our generation -- at least from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m. every weeknight during our formative years.

Today, they serve as 30-second bursts of memories of the good old days, when the most drama we had was whether to feather our hair or krimp it. Or perhaps deciding which color corduroy pants to wear with our brand-new REO Speedwagon concert tees. (You never go wrong with navy blue!)

Welcome to the official Stuck in the 80s list of the 25 best TV theme songs from our favorite decade. We considered your input along with the expert advice of Times media critic Eric Deggans to fine-tune the final rankings.

Don't forget to listen to this week's podcast, which unveils our rationale for the top 10 TV theme songs. Click here to listen. Or click here to get all our shows for free via iTunes.

In the meantime, get in full couch-potato mode and set the remote control aside for this list.

TOP 25 TV THEME SONGS OF THE 80s:

25. Star Trek: The Next Generation [watch]

24. Taxi [watch]

23. Facts of Life [watch]

22. 21 Jump Street [watch]

21. Magnum P.I. [watch]

20. Dallas [watch]

19. Dynasty [watch]

18. The Love Boat [watch] 

17. Night Court [watch]

16. Full House [watch]

15. Charles in Charge [watch]

14. Moonlighting [watch]

13. It’s Garry Shandling's Show  [watch]

12. The Paper Chase [listen]

11. Pee Wee's Playhouse [watch] 

10. Hill Street Blues [watch]

9. The Cosby Show  [watch]

8. Square Pegs  [watch]

7. Greatest American Hero [watch]

6. The A-Team [watch]

5. Family Ties [watch]

4. WKRP in Cincinnati [watch]

3. Dukes of Hazzard [watch]

2. Cheers [watch]

1. Miami Vice [watch]

"Miami Vice" gets the nod over "Cheers" because it oozes the '80s from every pour. Jan Hammer's masterpiece can only be properly enjoyed in a white linen jacket, loafers and dark glasses.

So which TV theme songs did we miss out on?

Even the nights are better -- thanks to this tour

Could it be? Have all the cosmic clickers finally nudged into place? Are the spirits of all girlfriends-gone-bad finally beginning to exorcise themselves? Is Taco Bell's drive-thru now open 24 hours? It must be because ...

Air Supply is going on a world tour! Get your pink cashmere sweaters out of storage and start regrowing your poofy hairdos.

Of course, when I say "world tour" what I really mean is a bunch of gigs at The Orleans Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas starting May 22, with a bunch of other dates scattered around in between. (None in Florida.) But still.

Now don't start acting like you're all high and mighty and don't love these guys. That just belittles us all. Instead, just go dig out their greatest-hits CD buried deep in your closet (next to the velour shirts) and use your headphones. It will be our secret. Our "Lost in Love" secret.

By the way, a little trivia here. The official name of the Air Supply fan club? The Airheads. No kidding. Some things you just can't make up.

Drop the weapon and play 'It's Only Love'!

Tina Turner is ready to make her comeback (again) and is plotting her first tour in nearly a decade.

According to the Reuters news service, the 68-year-old Turner decided to give it another go  after friend and film legend Sophia Loren told her it was "time to hit the road again."

( I would have guessed that seeing Syesha Mercardo doing a Halloween-esque version of "Proud Mary" on "American Idol" would have been reason enough to return. Please, wash that performance from our minds.)

The tour begins Oct. 1 in Kansas City and continues through Dec. 8 in Montreal. Only two Florida dates are currently listed: Nov. 2 in Fort Lauderdale and Nov. 5 in Orlando. Click here to see the full list.

Tina owned the 80s, recording 25 songs that hit the charts either in the U.S. or abroad. Still, my personal favorite Tina moment? No, not a song. Her role as "Aunty Entity" in 1985's "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome."

"You know the law: Two men enter, one man leaves."

Famous 'dos of the 80s

Sadly, given our advancing ages, most of us are well beyond having to worry about frosted highlights, extra-strength hairgel and other hirsute adventures.

But that doesn't mean we can't drag our hairy heroes through the mud again. I mean, come on, Limahl. Are there fishing lines holding those hairstrands up?

Today's challenge: Name were the best celebrity/musician hairdos of the 80s.

I'm just jealous, because I was born with Pete Rose hair -- completely straight, fly-away hair that refuses to conform to any modern style. Unless I use tons of gel, but then I look like Crispin Glover.

Feel free to consider actors, celebrities and musicians for the list. Here are some obvious inclusions:

MIKE SCORE (A Flock of Seagulls): Perhaps the poster man-child for interesting hair. Sadly, he's bald now. (And he says he hates playing "I Ran" -- go figure.)

HOWARD JONES: His hair is sorta halfway between Mike Score's and that MTV Veejay Alan Hunter. Sadly, these days he looks more like Christopher Lloyd in "Back to the Future."

THE B-52s: Just Kate and Cindy. Fred looks just fine.

AIMEE MANN ('Til Tuesday): Once sported the infamous "rat tail," which really should be the official hair accessory of the '80s.

ANNABELLA LWIN (Bow Wow Wow): She went mohawk -- and au natural -- for an album cover. One problem. She wasn't 18 yet.

Add your nominations to the list. We'll unveil the final ranking on a later date. In the meantime, go visit a stylist and ask for the featured look. Time to bring back a classic!

Pacino's "cockroaches of the '80s"

Al Pacino has made exactly 2,347 movies during his long, distinguished career. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration. But it seems that way. So isn't a little odd that only FIVE of them appear in the '80s? What gives?

Turns out, I know the answer. Pacino -- who turns 68 years old today -- pretty much retreated from films in the 80s after several of the flicks he starred in were commercial and critic disasters. We're talking dreadful, unwatchable stuff like Revolution (1985), Author! Author! (1982) and Cruising (1980).

Instead, he spent the decade on stage, which does me no good for this blog, since I've yet to write a "Top 5 Stage Performances of the '80s" list -- nor am I likely to do so anytime in this lifetime.

So say hello, and happy birthday, to my little friend. A little extra "Scarface" love today.

TOP 5 "TONY MONTANA" LINES FROM SCARFACE:

5. "I always tell the truth. Even when I lie."

4. "I bury those cockroaches!"

3. "All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one."

2. "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women."

1. "Say hello to my little friend!"

The only "Sure Thing?" Moving stinks

Hurray for the cable guy, I'm finally back online after my long move. Actually, it was a move of about two miles, but you try packing and unpacking 236 DVDs of 80s movies in 48 hours. Still looking for my copy of "The Sure Thing." I'll cry myself to sleep tonight if I don't find it by sundown.

Having just completed my first move in 8 years, I'm suddenly feeling empathy toward Tom Hanks' character in "The Money Pit," a movie I absolutely depised and couldn't connect with until my fourth trip to Target yesterday. (Not a good thing when the cashiers all know you by your first name and noticed that you've changed shirts twice during the day.)

Thanks to all the well-wishers out there concerned over my physical and mental well-being over the last few days. I can report no scrapes, bumps, broken bones or other ailments at this time. However, I'm pretty sure my downstairs neighbors will beat me to a pulp if they have to endure another two days of listening to me drop boxes and smash into walls all hours of the night.

For now, just a quickie list.

TOP 5 "OH, I HEAR YA" QUOTES FROM THE MONEY PIT:

5. "That's why I've gotta sell the house. It turns out, Carlos was Hitler's pool man."

4. "UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN! Strong strokes! PAINT! Don't tickle. And don't smoke!"

3. "Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him."

2. "I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!"

1. "Ahh, home crap home!"

Are you ready for Bruce?

Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band hits Florida this week -- though a few days later than planned.

Springsteen delayed a couple of dates after the death of keyboardist Danny Federici last week. His show originally scheduled for tonight in Tampa is now Tuesday. Am I going? Nah, I'm not a huge Bruce fan. Remember, I'm the same idiot who argued that Bon Jovi was the better East Coast rocker.

Plus, I doubt he'll play enough of the songs that I really enjoy. And by that, you know what's coming next.

TOP FIVE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN SONGS OF THE 80s:

'You don't treat me like your punk, ok?'

Call me a masochist, but I love 1989's "Best of the Best." I'll watch it every time it's on cable -- which seems like every Friday night about 2:30 a.m.

What's great about it? Surely not the disturbingly simple plot. Or the odd casting of James Earl Jones as a Tae Kwon Do coach for the U.S. national team. Not even the ballooning figure of the late Christopher Penn as cowboy hat-wearing board-crusher.

It's Eric Roberts. It was the last great role for an actor who has managed to snatch B-movie status from mouth of a once-promising film career.

Roberts turns 52 years old today. How will he celebrate? Depends on what dinner theater he's performing in tonight. Here's a birthday list for you, Eric.

TOP 5 ROLES OF ERIC ROBERTS IN THE 80s:

5. BEST OF THE BEST (1989): "Pop it, Pop it Tommy, POP IT!"

4. THE COCA-COLA KID (1985): "Is that the Australian sound? I mean, do we have the Australian sound here?"

3. RUNAWAY TRAIN (1985): "Hey Manny, You don't treat me like your punk, ok?"

2. STAR 80 (1983): "Well, you can take your magazine, you mansion and your movies and shove'em ALL up your a-- now."

1. THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE (1984): "Horses ain't like people, man, they can't make themselves better than they're born."

[AP photo]

'I want more boom boom boom!'

Neil Diamond, honorary '80s star for the day, is heading out on tour again. Click here for the full slate of dates. For those of us in Tampa Bay, he's got a date Oct. 24 at the St. Pete Times Forum. (Tickets go on sale April 21.)

When you hear Neil Diamond, you probably think "Cherry Cherry" or "Sweet Caroline." Nice tunes, but what goes through my head is the 1980 movie "The Jazz Singer" -- easily one of the worst movies featuring some truly great music.

"The Jazz Singer" actually was the second movie my family purchased on VHS after we acquired our tape player. (The first? That was "Can't Stop The Music" -- for $80!!) So needless to say that -- like every other 80s movie out there -- I know every line of the "Jazz Singer" by heart now.

My favorite character? Not Diamond's "Jess Robin." Nah, it's Paul Nicholas playing the obnoxious punk rock singer "Keith Lennox." A singer and stage performer for years, Nicholas would find fame in the U.K. later in the '80s as the star of the TV sitcom "Just Good Friends." For now, hopefully he's happy that one of his "Jazz Singer" quotes made the list today.

TOP 5 FAVORITE LINES FROM THE JAZZ SINGER:

5. "That ain't no brother! That's a white boy!"

4. "That was, um, very nice. Now why don't you just piss off and take those four clowns with you."

3. "Hello? ... Hello again?"

2. "I offered him my body. He settled for ice cream."

1. "Boom boom boom! I want more boom boom boom!"

"You read 'Treasure Island,' didn't ya?"

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's "Hot Pursuit," starring the always lovable John Cusack, who sandwiched this flick between 1986's subpar "One Crazy Summer" and signature performances in 1988's "Eight Men Out" and "Tapeheads." Written and directed by Steven Lisberger, who is credited for the story on 1982's "Tron."

THE PLOT: Prep school student Danny (Cusack) is forced to miss spring break with his girlfriend Lori (Wendy Gazelle) to make up a chemistry test. When his teacher lets him off the hook, Danny races to the Caribbean to catch up to Lori and her family, who are in more danger than anyone could have imagined.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Robert Loggia as the salty sailor "Mac," who kidnaps the drunken and despondent Cusack and then helps him on his quest.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Ben Stiller makes his feature film debut in "Hot Pursuit" as the deckhand turned pirate. And he's joined for the first time by his father, Jerry Stiller.

THE TUNES: No soundtrack was released -- probably because there are only two songs in the movie: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Nylons and "Lessons in Love" by Level 42.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "From its slow, painful start to its ridiculous, not to mention improbable, ending, Hot Pursuit is tortuously boring." -- Terri Clark, Apollo Movie Guide.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: He may not have the greatest dialog to work with, but Cusack's physical comedy is at its very best in "Hot Pursuit." And despite the ups and downs, it's nowhere near the lows of "Must Love Dogs" or "America's Sweethearts" either. Loyal female fans will still feel their hearts flutter when John is on the screen, while guys will enjoy the gymnastic prowess of actress Wendy Gazelle (whose other notable screen appearances were in "The Net" and "The In Crowd.")

TOP 5 LINES FROM HOT PURSUIT:

5. "The name is Dan. They call me ... Mr. Determined."

4. "Row 10, Seat C. Don't you want to see where you were conceived?"

3.  "Don't forget the first rule of sailing: Never p--s into the wind."

2. "Some of us drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others gargle."

1. "You read 'Treasure Island,' didn't you? ... You'll do."

More happy songs ... from unhappy people

The list of 80 Happiest Songs of the '80s had the opposite effect on some people, particularly the hard-to-please crowd over at USA Today's immensely popular Pop Candy blog, penned by my web-crush Whitney Matheson. (I keep sending her jewelry and plane tickets to Vegas every Valentine's Day; she keeps sending restraining orders. She'll come around.)

Aside from showing contempt for "We Built This City," a lot of her readers also were baffled by "Wouldn't It Be Good" and "New Song" -- the top 2 songs on our list. Some had never even heard them! Maybe they're confusing Howard Jones with Howard Johnson?

Actually, they had some fantastic suggestions. Here are some of the songs the Pop Candy readers feel need to be added to the list of happiest songs of the 80s:

Never Gonna Give You Up (Rick Astley): [video]

I Want Candy (Bow Wow Wow): [video]

Modern Love (David Bowie): [video]

Goody Two Shoes (Adam Ant): [video]

Punk Rock Girl (The Dead Milkmen): [video]

Come on Eileen (Dexy's Midnight Runners): [video]

Always Something There To Remind Me (Naked Eyes): [video]

What I Like about You (The Romantics): [video]

You Can Still Rock in America (Night Ranger): [video]

Love Shack (B-52s): [video]

Don't Stop Believin' (Journey): [live performance]

Just Can't Get Enough (Depeche Mode): [video]

Jungle Love (Morris Day and The Time): [video]

Shout to the Top (Style Council): [video]

My thoughts: Yeah, in retrospect, I'd have added "Just Can't Get Enough," "Jungle Love," "I Want Candy," "Don't Stop Believin'," and "Never Gonna Give You Up" for sure.

Where were all you Pop Candy readers when we were compiling the list? Stick around and help us out with our next list: "Top 20 ways for Steve to woo Whitney Matheson." (No. 5: Hire Matt Dylan to break into her place and spell out her name on the counter in rose petals. No. 4: Stand outside her house with a boom box playing "Never Gonna Give You Up.")

Happiest songs of the 80s: The top 20

I know, I know. You'll be happy when this list is finally over. But seriously, do you know how hard it was to narrow the list down to only 80 tunes? I could have done 180 tunes, and we won't even be halfway through it yet.

Let's face it: We were all happier in the 80s.

Today's happiest 80s star: That'd be Cyndi Lauper, who finishes in the top 5 just in time for her big True Colors tour across the United States. Be honest, you may publicly disavow her, but you secretly love Cyndi. She knows it -- and she's cool with it.

Click here to see Nos. 21-40, 41-60, 61-80.

80 HAPPIEST SONGS OF THE 80s: The Top 20

20. Break My Stride (Matthew Wilder): [video]

19. Spirit of Radio (Rush): [live performance]

18. Tenderness (General Public): [video]

17. I'm Alright (Kenny Loggins): [listen]

16. And We Danced (The Hooters): [video]

15. Walking on Sunshine (Katrina and the Waves): [video]

14. Together in Electric Dreams (Phil Oakey): [video]

13. Working For The Weekend (Loverboy): [live performance]

12. Fascination (Human League): [video]

11. Lights Out (Peter Wolf): [video]

10. Blister In The Sun (Violent Femmes): [live performance]

9. In A Big Country (Big Country): [video]

8. Vacation (The Go-Gos): [video]

7. Magic (The Cars): [video]

6. Our House (Madness): [video]

5. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper): [video]

4. Jump (Van Halen): [video]

3. Safety Dance (Men Without Hats): [video]

2. Wouldn't It Be Good (Nik Kershaw): [video]

1. New Song (Howard Jones): [video]

The list is finally complete. Feel free to fire away with the choices and omissions. Our peers over at USA Today's Pop Candy blog added these suggestions.

Happiest songs of the 80s (Nos. 21-40)

Are you happy yet? If not, this list of 80 Happiest Songs of the '80s really hits its stride today.

Try not to listen to too many of these songs at once. Your coworkers and significant others will wonder why you're not gloomy anymore. Impressions are important, after all.

Today's happiest 80s star: Huey Lewis was tired and grumpy when we interviewed him on the Stuck in the 80s podcast a year ago, but we'll always have "Do You Believe In Love." Dare I say classic?

Click here to see Nos. 1-20, 41-60, 61-80.

HAPPIEST SONGS OF THE 80s: (Nos. 41-60)

40. It's My Life (Talk Talk): [video]

39. She's a Beauty (The Tubes): [video]

38. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic (The Police): [video]

37. Let's Go Crazy (Prince): [video]

36. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car (Billy Ocean): [video]

35. Dancing on the Ceiling (Lionel Richie): [video]

34. Do You Believe In Love (Huey Lewis & The News): [video]

33. Space Age Love Song (Flock Of Seagulls): [video]

32. Jenny 867-5309 (Tommy Tutone): [video]

31. P.Y.T (Michael Jackson): [listen]

30. Something So Strong (Crowded House): [video]

29. Funky Town (Pseudo Echo): [video]

28. Freeze Frame (J. Geils Band): [video]

27. It's Tricky (Run D.M.C.): [video]

26. Turning Japanese (The Vapors): [video]

25. She's Tight (Cheap Trick): [video]

24. Stone In Love (Journey): [live performance]

23. I'm Still Standing (Elton John): [video]

22. Rush Hour (Jane Wiedlin): [video]

21. What A Feeling (Irene Cara): [video]

Sneak peak at tomorrow's list: Would it'd be good if some unexpected new song made the top spot?

Happiest songs of the 80s (Nos. 41-60)

The never-ending list of the 80 Happiest Songs of the '80s marches forward today.

Remember, no wagering at home. With this list of pure sunshine, the only thing you need to worry about is how white your teeth are.

Today's happiest 80s star: Kenny Loggins makes two appearances on this list this fine day. And let's face it: Is there anything unhappy about Kenny? Can you picture him covering a song by The Cure? Hell no, Smokey. Kenny's all about smiles. They should have named a Care Bear after him.

Click here to see Nos. 1-20, 21-40, 61-80.

HAPPIEST SONGS OF THE 80s: (Nos. 41-60)

60. Walk Like an Egyptian (The Bangles): [video]

59. Don't Fight It (Kenny Loggins & Steve Perry): [listen]

58. Eaten by the Monster of Love (Sparks): [student video]

57. Footloose (Kenny Loggins): [video]

56. Love's Got a Line On You (Scandal): [video]

55. Genius Of Love (Tom Tom Club): [video]

54. Rock this Town (Stray Cats): [video]

53. I Go Crazy (Flesh for Lulu): [video]

52. Miss Amanda Jones (March Violets) [listen]

51. Lawyers in Love (Jackson Browne): [video]

50. Dancing with Myself (Billy Idol): [video]

49. Kids in America (Kim Wilde): [video]

48. Melt with You (Modern English): [video]

47. Rave Up/Shut Up (The Rave-Ups)

46. Down Under (Men at Work): [video]

45. Tesla Girls (OMD): [video]

44. Run Run Away (Slade): [video]

43. Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes (Paul Simon): [live performance]

42. Rio (Duran Duran): [video]

41. Everybody Wants To Rule The World (Tears For Fears): [video]

Sneak preview of tomorrow's list: Get funky, get space-aged, just get out of my car.

80 happiest songs of the 1980s

A few months, the Stuck in the 80s nation set out on a seemingly impossible task. We sought to uncover the Happiest Songs of the '80s.

Finally, after much tabulation, debate and procrastination, we have a final list. One suggestion: Don't get too caught up on the numbers here. Personally, I consider any of the top 10 songs to be the musical equivalent of Zoloft.

Today's happiest 80s star: Ah, probably David Lee Roth. What a smiling little rascal he was -- when he finally shed his morose Van Halen band mates. But they're back together and still touring, so everything is right in the world again.

Thanks for all your suggestions. Queue up some tunes and just brighten your day.

Click here to see Nos. 1-20, 21-40, 41-60.

80 HAPPIEST SONGS OF THE 1980s: (Nos. 61 to 80)

80. Secret of My Success (Night Ranger): [video]

79. Perfect Way (Scritti Politti): [video]

78. Something About You (Level 42): [video]

77. Working in a Coal Mine (Devo): [video]

76. New Attitude (Patti LaBelle): [video]

75. Hip To Be Square (Huey Lewis & The News): [video]

74. Faith (George Michael): [video]

73. Shake it Up (The Cars): [video]

72. One Vision (Queen): [Live performance]

71. Girls Like Me (Bonnie Hayes): [video]

70. And She Was (Talking Heads): [video]

69. Mickey (Toni Basil): [video]

68. Strip (Adam Ant): [video]

67. Human Touch (Rick Springfield): [video]

66. Everybody Have Fun Tonight (Wang Chung): [video]

65. We Built This City (Starship): [video]

64. Good Times (INXS and Jimmy Barnes): [video]

63. Europa and the Pirate Twins (Thomas Dolby): [video]

62. Just like Heaven (The Cure): [video]

61. Just A Gigolo (David Lee Roth): [video]

Sneak peak at tomorrow's list: Egyptians, monsters and stray cats.

The 'Cucumber' turns 50

This just sounds weird, but: Alec Baldwin may be the most bankable actor working today. There's not a movie or TV show I would miss if he is making an appearance in it.

(At this point, I must invoke the rule I like to call "The Pluto Nash Exception." Baldwin shows up in that dog and -- let's face it -- nothing can improve that suck-fest of a flick.)

My personal favorite Baldwin movies of recent years: "The Cooler" with William Macy, "The Departed" with Scorsese and the gang, and even his bit role as a shoe tycoon in my beloved "Elizabethtown." I'm serious about that last one. Great flick, and he has all the good lines -- "I cry a lot." (Me too, Alec. Me too.)

But like all great geniuses, Baldwin -- who turns FIFTY YEARS OLD!!! today -- can look back on the '80s as his salad days.

TOP FIVE ALEC BALDWIN ROLES FROM THE '80s:

5. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (1989): Baldwin as Jimmy Swaggart? Oh lord. Anything to wipe the memory of Dennis Quaid as Jerry Lee Lewis.

4. BEETLE JUICE (1988): "Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore."

3. MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988): Anytime your character's name is 'Cucumber' Frank de Marco, people pay attention. Nicknames count. Just ask my Stuck in the 80s co-host Sean "The Gherkin" Daly.

2. WORKING GIRL (1988): Is "Mick" really the bad guy? He did buy Melanie Griffith a sexy birthday present. And he does have the greatest line: "Wait! This isn't what it looks like."

1. SHE'S HAVING A BABY (1988): Baldwin steals the movie from Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the self-absorbed best friend. And he's a walking quote machine: "Sure, you'll be happy -- you just won't know it."

[AP photo]

Lollygaggers! Ten irritating baseball movie lines

For those of us lucky enough to live in communities in which emotional and economical fates are tied to nine guys dressed in knickers, today marks the start of yet another season of Major League Baseball.

Or here in Tampa Bay -- home of the "No Longer the Devil Rays ... Just the Rays," we just call it "Five Months 'Til Football Season" Day.

To commemorate this festive occasion, Times pop critic Sean Daly, Times sports columnist Tom Jones and I have toiled to record a special "Baseball movies of the '80s" podcast for you on Stuck in the 80s. Click here to download it. Or click here to get all our shows for free delivered via iTunes.

In the meantime, here are 10 sure-fire ways to get your office into the spirit of the game today.

TEN WAYS TO IRRITATE COWORKERS WITH LINES FROM 80s BASEBALL MOVIES:

After being caught heaving in the office bathroom after last night's festivities: "It's okay, honey. I... I was just talking to the cornfield." (Field of Dreams)

When someone offers to go on a Starbucks run: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill. " (Major League)

After schooling someone at the department meeting: "You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club." (Bull Durham)

To the sandwich maker at the company cafeteria: "Pick me out a winner Bobby." (The Natural)

After forcing down the sandwich -- not made by anyone named Bobby for that matter: "You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?" (The Natural)

Anywhere but in the men's room: "The rose goes in the front, big guy." (Bull Durham)

Definitely no where near the men's room: "Big whop now. Big whop, Betsy; you tell me when." (Eight Men Out)

Use this one in there instead: "You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're p-ssing it away." (Bull Durham)

When the coworker from two cubicles over keeps sending you suggestive instant messages: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for." (The Natural)

To the jerk who used to date the coworker two cubicles over: "How's your wife and my kids?" (Major League)

When the boss calls you into the office after hearing those last two comments: "I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this sh-t at least you could've said you were from the Yankees." (Major League)

(Think you know baseball movies? Try this online quiz I wrote last week.)

Bark like a dog! 'Coming to America' turns 20

Anyone wondering why Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America" has been playing non-stop on cable movie channels lately? It's celebrating its 20th anniversary this year!

I'm going out on a limb here by saying this: "Coming to America" might be Eddie Murphy's best film ... period. Sure, you want rationale -- in list form, of course.

10 REASONS WHY 'COMING TO AMERICA' IS EDDIE'S BEST FLICK:

10. HELLO AGAIN AND GOODNIGHT: After two slightly subpar showings (Golden Child, Beverly Hills Cop 2), this movie is almost Eddie's swan song. So far, Eddie's only watchable flick after "Coming to America" is "Boomerang" (1992). It's also the last great flick by director John Landis.

9. MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES: This would be the first time Eddie played more than character, tackling Prince Akeem, Clarence the barber, Saul (the old white guy in the barber shop) and Randy Watson, the singer of the band Sexual Chocolate.

8. A NOD TO HIS HERO: Richard Pryor was a big influence on a young Eddie Murphy. So when it came time to pick a name for his fictional African country, Eddie chose "Zamunda" -- a name Pryor used in an old comedy bit.

7. BEST FAKE PRODUCT EVER: "Just let your Soul-Glo!" I dare say just about anyone who ever saw this movie can still sing along to the TV commercial. "Feeling all so silky smooth!" [Watch it again]

6. THEY CAN BE FUNNY TOO: Still not convinced? What about James Earl Jones playing a comedy role? Or future "E.R." moper Eriq La Salle as the "Soul Glo" heir? Brilliant. And you gotta love the cameo performances by Samuel L. Jackson and Louie Anderson. (And the kid getting his hair cut in the barber shop -- Cuba Gooding Jr.)

5. ARSENIO CAN ACT: Even Arsenio Hall, the Bud Abbott of the '80s, shows some rare acting skills here. Whatever happened to him?

4. THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH HIM: Star Wars freaks out there, did you catch James Earl Jones' "Darth Vader" homage? When King Jaffe Joffer comes looking for Akeem, he tells Mr. McDowell, "Do not alert him to my presence. I'll deal with him myself."

3. THE SEQUEL FACTOR: Our fond memory of two other great Murphy flicks -- "48 Hours" and "Beverly Hills Cop" -- is tainted by the criminally awful sequels they spawned. Thankfully, at the end of "Coming To America," everyone lives happily ever after -- sequel-free.

2. "WE'RE BACK!" One of the funniest scenes: The "Duke Brothers" -- Randy and Mortimer -- from 1983's "Trading Places" are bums on the street until former co-star Murphy hands them a bag of money.

1. THE GREAT LINES OF COURSE: "There is a very fine line between love and nausea" ... "Bark like a dog -- a big dog!" ... "My buns have no seeds" ... "The royal penis is clean, your Highness."

"Wanna have a catch?" ... Baseball in the 80s

Thank the maker that Major League Baseball is about to start. I'm not sure I can handle any more televised basketball or hockey. And I've watched "Top Gun" so many times lately that even my TV remote has lost that lovin' feeling and thinks Maverick is dangerous.

But until that first pitch on opening day goes flying past somebody's noggin, we can derive a little preseason excitement from the baseball movies of the '80s, which not coincidentally is the subject of next week's podcast.

Times pop music critic Sean Daly and sports columnist Tom Jones will join the show to decide once and for all: Which was the best baseball movie of the 80s?

Which one would you pick? Here are some pros and cons:

THE NATURAL (1984)
Balls: Beautifully scored, featuring sublime performances by Robert Redford, Darren McGavin, Kim Bassinger, Wilford Brimley ("Don't you know I hate losin' to the Pirates?!?").
Strikes: Seeing Redford play an 18-year-old version of himself is creepy. And other story lines seem a bit hooky at times.
Favorite quote: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for."

BULL DURHAM (1988)
Balls: Considered the most realistic movie made about the minor leagues (how many others can you name?); perhaps Kevin Costner's single-best film performance.
Strikes: Watching Tim Robbins pretend to be pitcher is painful; and listening to the never-ending, thick North Carolina accents is like taking a Nolan Ryan fastball to the forehead. (Note to Hollywood: I'd prefer the fastball next time. It'd ease my pain.)
Favorite quote: "The rose goes in the front, big guy."

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)
Balls: Possibly the most quotable baseball movie of all time and featuring the best speech about baseball every conceived -- delivered by the always brilliant James Earl Jones ("It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.")
Strikes: Is it really a baseball movie? Or just an excuse to see if every male you know cries like a baby at the ending? (Just say, "Dad ... wanna have a catch?" and here come the waterworks.)
Favorite quote: "Hey rookie! You were good."

EIGHT MEN OUT (1988)
Balls: Great ensemble cast featuring John Cusack as the tortured Bucky Weaver.
Strikes: Difficult storyline to follow unless you're already familiar with the 1919 World Series. Christopher Lloyd channels "Rev. Jim" from "Taxi" for his turn as "Bill Burns."
Favorite quote: "Those guys are all gone now."

MAJOR LEAGUE (1989)
Balls: Easily the funniest of the group, thanks to Bob Uecker ("Just a bit outside"), James Gammon as manager "Lou Brown" and "Wild Thing" Charlie Sheen.
Strikes: The Cleveland Indians as winners? Only in Hollywood.
Favorite quote: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

So what's your pick? We'll read the best comments during the podcast.

"I love it when a plan comes together!"

Another '80s TV show is set for reincarnation as a big-screen project: "The A-Team" is planning a June 12, 2009 release with director John Singleton ("Boyz n the Hood", "Higher Learning") at the helm.

E! Online reports that the movie's plot will mirror that of the TV show, which ran from 1983-87: A close-knit band of four ex-soldiers, falsely convicted of a war crime, now for hire to solve your personal problems -- complete with chases, explosions and plenty of catchy dialog.

Nobody has been cast in the movie yet, though Woody Harrelson has been mentioned for the role of "Howling Mad" Murdoch, and Ice Cube has publicly said he wants the part of B.A. Baracus -- made famous by Mr. T.

"I wouldn't try to duplicate what Mr. T did, but I will have the same impact on you when you were little watching the TV show," Ice Cube tells Blackfilm.com. "I'm going to bring my own flavor to it and I am going to do the mohawk."

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM THE A-TEAM:

5. "Shut up, fool!"

4. "You've been found sane?"

3. "I'm a bird! I'm a plane! I'm a choo-choo train! Touchdown!"

2. "I pity the fool who goes out tryin' a' take over da world, then runs home cryin' to his momma!"

1. "I love it when a plan comes together!"

'Where everybody knows your name'

Tell the truth: You know the complete lyrics to the "Cheers" theme song, don't you?

Of course you do. It's a classic. But is it the BEST TV THEME SONG of the 80s?

That's what we need to know, because this week's Stuck in the 80s podcast is going to tackle that very issue.

So start humming to yourself and let us know which TV songs are stuck in your head for life.

Here are three of my favorites:

THE GREATEST AMERICAN HERO: "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air." (Listen)

WKRP IN CINCINNATI: "Baby, if you've ever wondered ... wondered whatever became of me." (Listen)

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: Not a song and the series barely made it into the 80s, but I still get chills whenever I hear the original theme orchestration. Makes me want to get into my PJs, grab a black cherry soda and bologna sandwich and do my best Galactica era cursing. "Ahhh, Frack!" (Listen)

Name your favorite 80s TV theme songs! Feel free to explain why and we'll read your comments on the podcast.

A six-pack for St. Patty's Day

On this lovely St. Patrick's Day, the official holiday of the 80s, allow me to make a toast:

May your big-screen TV never break down on TBS's Big 80s Weekend, especially during "Red Dawn." May your old VHS player never eat the only copy of "Compromising Positions" left in the world. May you never be ashamed to do the "Thriller" dance alone at the office Christmas party. And more importantly, may your 80s heroes never grow old.

Lastly, may you never forget to raise your glass when one of these movies comes on.

A SIX-PACK OF THE GREATEST DRINKING MOVIES OF THE 80s:

6. ABOUT LAST NIGHT: (1986) Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Jim Belushi. What they're drinking: Beer, straight from the keg. "Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?"

5. MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982): Peter O'Toole, Mark Linn-Baker. What they're drinking: Anything you can put in a flask. "Ladies are unwell ... Gentlemen vomit."

4. COCKTAIL (1988): Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown. What they're drinking: Red Eye, beer, frothy rum drinks. "Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone!"

3. STRANGE BREW (1983): Dave Thomas, Rick Moranis. What they're drinking: A "two-four" of Elsinore Beer. "This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?"

2. ARTHUR (1981): Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli. What they're drinking: Martinis, scotch. "I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up? "

1. BARFLY (1987): Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway. What they're drinking: Everything. "Listen, I drink. And when I drink, I move in the wrong direction... "

Outside the 80s: Beer Fest, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Leaving Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Animal House, Old School, Bad Santa, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, Casablanca, The Legend of Drunken Master, Baseketball.

Top Gun tunes: a target-rich environment

There's some enduring quality to Top Gun. I just can't leave it alone on the blog.

Maybe it's because it's on TV about 30 times a day (seriously -- I watched it start to finish twice yesterday). Maybe it's the great quotable lines. It could even be the "not that there's anything wrong with that" volleyball scene. (Well, no, it can't be that.)

Or maybe it's just got a killer soundtrack that keeps us hooked throughout the entire film.

But what are the best and worst tunes of Top Gun? Here's my ranking of them -- from best to worst -- in playable format:

That's right ... Iceman ... I am dangerous

"Top Gun" is on TV these days more than the year it first buzzed the tower at theaters. I consider this movie a "target-rich environment" for quoting at nonsensical times during my workday.

My coworkers, on the other hand, are ready to go "Cougar" on me and turn in their wings. (Which is fine, because that gives me my dream shot -- Miramar!) I'll pulled no less than a "4-g negative dive" today at the office, bringing up memorable lines more lines than Iceman waxes that flattop of his. (God bless, Val Kilmer.)

I know what you're thinking: How can I irritate my friends and coworkers in similar fashion? I'm here to help.

TOP 10 TOP GUN LINES TO RECITE TO ANNOY COWORKERS:

10. Swilling down Starbucks on the way in from the parking lot: "I feel the need ... the need for speed." (Or, if you're already caffeinated enough, "Time to kick the tires and light the fires!")

9. When coming in the office door: "Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees."

8. When your boss asks you to do something: "That's a negative, Ghost rider, the pattern is full."

7. When seeing your friend in the restroom: "Hey Goose, you big stud!" (Or, if you're feeling daring, "Great balls of fire!")

6. After that three-martini lunch to nobody in particular: "I flew with your old man. VF-51, the Oriskany. You're a lot like he was. Only better... and worse."

5. When passing off an assignment to a subordinate: "If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogs--t out of Hong Kong!"

4. On spotting targets at Happy Hour after work: "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns."

3. What to tell your wingman at Happy Hour after switching to guns: "Do not fire until fired upon."

2. What you tell yourself when your ATM won't cough up more cash: "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."

1. And whenever you get the chance: "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

A newbie guide to They Might Be Giants

Admit it. Some of you 80s fanatics out there who probably still don't really know (and to know is to love) the music of They Might Be Giants.

The "Two Johns" hit St. Petersburg tonight for a show at Jannus Landing. Stuck in the 80s guest host Stephanie Hayes and I interviewed John Linnell for our TMBG podcast and wrote up a story for today's newspaper. Both the podcast and story make for a good beginner's guide to the band. (Click here to read the story.)

Now that you're hooked on their quirky personality, you'd probably like some music. But where to start?

Thanks to the brilliant minds of those behind the incredibly useful fan website This Might Be A Wiki, here's a list of the tunes rated highest by members of the site. So if you're just getting to know this band, start with these:

FIVE TMBG SONGS FOR NEW FANS:

1. Birdhouse in your Soul: Their highest-charting song, it's a tune about a child's night light.

2. Ana Ng: Their first big hit in 1988, written after picking out a popular name from the New York phone book.

3. Don't Let's Start: Lyrics were chosen solely because they fit the correct number of syllables for the melody.

4. Doctor Worm: About a worm - not a doctor - learning to play drums. A staple for most live performances.

5. They'll Need a Crane: Performed on Late Night with David Letterman in 1989 durin