Mogul throwdown: Zemeckis vs. Lucas

Two big names in '80s film-making share a birthday today: George Lucas, 64, and Robert Zemeckis, 57. (Nevermind the guy in the middle of the photo. He's probably just some anonymous fan getting his photo taken with his heroes.)

Though perhaps their signature work was outside our decade -- Lucas' "Star Wars" began in 1977 and Zemeckis' scored with "Forrest Gump" in 1994 -- they each left big footprints in the '80s ... along with a couple of trips and stumbles.

So which Hollywood god should be giving the other one noogies today? Which mogul reigns supreme? Here we go...

HIGHLIGHT FLICKS
LUCAS: George didn't direct much in the 80s, but his writing and producing skills helped crank out hits like the "Indiana Jones" trilogy, "Labyrinth" and even the unlikely "Body Heat."
ZEMECKIS: Robert has the "Back to the Future" trilogy to hang his hat on, though he'd probably rather forget Parts 2 and 3. (I know the rest of us have.)

LOWLIGHT FLICKS
LUCAS: All I have to say here is "Howard the Duck" and Michael Jackson's "Captain EO." 
ZEMECKIS: I'm going to catch grief for this, but I can't stand 1988's "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" OK, then let's talk about the el-bombo "1941" -- released in December 1979, so it was still stinking up screens briefly into the 80s.

FORGOTTEN FLICKS
LUCAS: The would-be Val Kilmer star vehicle "Willow" was written by Lucas. Though I doubt he takes credit for the line, "You are so beautiful! Your eyes! Your whiskers! I have to kiss you!"
ZEMECKIS: Let's start with the guilty pleasure of 1980's "Used Cars." And remember, he also directed "Romancing the Stone," back when Kathleen Turner could still act. (I'm kidding. ... She could never act.)

WHO WINS?
Tough call. George has the "Star Wars" legacy and the upcoming revival of Indiana Jones (stay tuned for this week's podcast!). But maybe we should be thankful that Zemeckis doesn't have a "Back to the Future" prequel for us to kick around. ("Back to the Future 6: Revenge of the Biff")

You tell us! Which one wins this battle?

[Getty Images]

Blog battle: 'Thriller' vs. 'Off The Wall'

Tuesday marks the release of "Thriller 25" -- the epic, 25th anniversary edition of Michael Jackson's landmark album. Cause for celebration? Sure. (Break out the winecoolers and pudding pops.)

But it seems some people out there think the original 1982 album is a RUNNER-UP to other M.J.'s other work. (Unless they're talking about his cosmetic work, I'm baffled.)

By some people, I could only mean Sean Daly, a music critic who's more machine now than man -- twisted and evil. Daly claims that 1979's "Off The Wall" is the real opus. So you know what that means...

BLOG BATTLE ... battalion style. I think it's demented and social (but social) that I even have to explain the rationale here, but Daly's a glutton for punishment -- and for fresh lamb chops, not that this is relevant here, but the guy smells like a Irish butcher shop most days of the week.

Read Sean's sad case first, then read this, you pretty young thing!

TOP 3 REASONS THRILLER IS THE ULTIMATE MICHAEL JACKSON DISC:

3. THE NUMBERS: Number of people who own "Thriller" -- approximately 105-million and counting. Number of people who own "Off The Wall" -- three ... Sean Daly, the roller skating rink down the road and Stevie Wonder (who thought he was buying a copy of "Thriller.")

2. THE TUNES: Nobody woos the opposite sex to "She's Out of My Life" -- except maybe Kenny G or Macaulay Culkin. The rest of us queue up "Human Nature," which is like Spanish Fly to our species. And "Wanna Be Startin' Something" trumps any disco-ridden track on the earlier disc for drawing people to the dance floor. Remember, "Thriller" had SEVEN top-10 singles. And a video for the title song features dance moves that are as ingrained in western culture as anything short of indoor plumbing and microwave popcorn.

1. PRIMO MICHAEL: On the cover the "Off The Wall," Michael looks like Eriq La Salle from "Coming to America" ("Just let your Soul Glo!"). Is that the Michael everyone loves? No, M.J. in 1982 was in his prime -- red leather pants, single glove, slightly smaller nose (but nobody complained.) He christened the Moonwalk to "Billie Jean" -- not "Burn This Disco Out." And Weird Al chose to lampoon "Beat It" -- not "Rock With You."

You know why? Because when it comes to 80s classics, even Weird Al knows that this album can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try.

Blog battle: Best 80s holiday songs

Time to dust off ye ole holiday CDs in a seemingly fruitless attempt to find something tolerable for family gatherings. (And to listen to on your iPod at work while you co-workers are sharing low-cal cookie recipes a little too loudly.)

To make this year's list a little more fun, I have officially challenged Sean Daly's blogging baroness, Stephanie Hayes, to a blog battle.

To my advantage, I was slobber-knocked on egg nog and teetering on bar stools in the 80s while Stephanie (high school class of 2001!) was still eating strained carrots from her own high chair. Let's see if she has any tricks left up her Garanimals.

We each picked our top 5 holiday songs from the 80s -- and the worst holiday song from the decade. Check out her list and then ... "prepare for greatness, Lloyd."

TOP 5 HOLIDAY SONGS OF THE 80s:

5. Christmas in Hollis - Run D.M.C.: The de facto holiday theme song of MTV during the 80s. "The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's. But each and every year we bust Christmas carols." (Watch video)

4. 2000 Miles - The Pretenders: A more subtle Christmas song with a dreamy, spinning sound. Perfect for a long drive through snowy weather. "Outside under the purple sky, diamonds in the snow sparkle. Our hearts were singing ... It felt like Christmastime." (Live version)

3. Twelve Days Of Christmas - Bob & Doug McKenzie: Where are Bob and Doug when they're needed most? Granted, it's a novelty/comedy song, but dare I say the best one of the 80s? ("Fiiiive golden toques!") Of course, back then I no idea what a "toque" was. Imagine my disappointment to learn it was only a hat. "Boy, that song was a beauty ... it moved me. Yah, it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven!" (Listen)

2. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses: The late great Patty Donahue led this Ohio-bred new wave act that was probably best known for "I Know What Boys Like" and the theme song to "Square Pegs." Their holiday tune weaves a clever story about a single woman so busy, she decides to sit out Christmas this year. But fate -- and holiday magic -- eventually restore her faith. "When what to my wondering eyes should appear?  In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year!" (Listen)

1. Do They Know It's Christmas - Band-Aid: Sure, it's got some painful lines in it ("So tonight thank god it's them instead of you!"). But look at the lineup of great English and Irish musicians that Bob Geldof pulled together (Sting, Duran Duran, Paul Young, U2, George Michael just to name a fraction.) And then tell me you don't get chills during the ending chorus when the bells start ringing. "Here's to you, raise a glass for everyone!" (Watch video)

And the worst song: There are so many to choose from. But the title goes to someone who sadly was elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week. Madonna's "Santa Baby" (listen if you dare) is a criminal assault on every sense of my very being. Fans of Stuck in the 80s, who submitted their own horror stories on the subject this week, were nearly unanimous in their contempt:

• "Hearing her straining to sound like a weird version of Betty Boop doesn't say Christmas to me." -- Matt in Denver
• "Cloying, annoying, and only redeemed by the fact that it was recorded for the Very Special Christmas project and helped raise money for the Special Olympics." -- Cait
• "If my radio had a neck, I would choke it every time that came on." -- Donnie

Alas, the venom must end and you can now vote: Who had the better Top 5 list?

Blue-collar bards: Bon Jovi vs. Bruce

When it comes to 80s rock, give it to us loud, hard and hirsute. That's my motto. And that's why I challenged Times pop music critic and podcast co-host Sean Daly to another blog battle that will surely shake him to the base of his plastic-lacquered wig.

This week's challenge: Who's the ultimate 80s East Coast rocker -- Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen? Truth be told, Daly wanted to blog battle over best Spandau Ballet song -- he goes crazy for "Gold" -- but I talked him out of it. Instead, it's the Melee at the Meadowlands.

Sadly, this one isn't going to be a contest. But with both acts coming to Tampa Bay next year (Bruce on April 21 and Bon Jovi on April 27), I consider it a public service to mop up the St. Pete Times Forum with Sean's hairless rump. He'll still be fighting with drunken, sullen townies after that over-testosteroned 'Steen show while I'm celebrating Jersey style as Ritchie Sambora brings me on stage to play guitar on Bad Medicine. ("I got all the symptoms count 'em 1,2,3!")

Read Sean's argument here. (Warning: He'll promise you heaven but put you through hell. So just take my hand, we'll make it, I swear...)

TOP 5 REASONS BON JOVI PREVAILS OVER SPRINGSTEEN:

5. I CAN UNDERSTAND JON BON JOVI: He sings a song, I hear the words, my head auto-bobs and if I've had enough alcohol, I might even sing along. When a Springsteen tune comes on, I immediately have to look up the lyrics so I can read along. Come on, Boss! Articulate! It's okay to look like a car mechanic. Just don't sing like one.

4. SPRINGSTEEN SONGS ARE DEPRESSING: Dude, we get it. Being broke sucks. Same with being a washed-up baseball pitcher. Or, say, being the former husband of a supermodel (ouch!). With that level of constant depression, it occurs to me that the Boss was "grunge" -- right down to his ratty flannel-wear -- long before the whole Seattle scene popped up like a cold sore on the music industry. And the only cool thing about grunge is that it's been dead and buried since the early 90s.

3. JON IS A MAN OF THE PEOPLE: He owns an Arena Football team. He hangs out on American Idol. He shows up to play a tune or two before the start of a Nascar race. He shaves. He's NOT doing a cover of "Froggie Went A-Courtin'." And unlike Springsteen, nobody confuses Bon Jovi with John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. (Brruuuuce! Sing "On The Dark Side!")

2. CHICKS DIG BON JOVI: Part of being a rock star is looking the part. Jon Bon Jovi could sing about a herpes sore and the ladies would swoon. He winks and the first 10 rows of the crowd pass out, including Mr. Daly (if he's not in between bites of his fish burrito). Jon's so good-looking that I'm pretty sure Springsteen dresses as Bon Jovi for Halloween. (Or at least Patti Scialfa asks him to.)

1. A BON JOVI SHOW IS ALL ABOUT FUN: Sean can talk all he wants about surviving a steamy afternoon in New Orleans, listening to Springsteen with Katrina survivors. (Did you know Bon Jovi donated $1-million to build Habitat for Humanity homes in Louisiana? That's class.) Bottom line: I don't like a heaping serving of depression at concerts. Give me an audience of Aqua-Net-soused, blue eye-shadowed sweeties in torn-up jeans jumping up and down for two hours and flashing their ta-ta's. Two hours later, they're racing home next to you, ready to fantasize about Jon during some post-concert nookie.

And I'm totally cool with that.

So who wins the blog battle? Sean with his sullen Springsteen? Or Jon Bon Jovi, hot sex and the American way?

'Gozer the Gozerian ... good evening'

Ghostbusters is returning ... but as a video game? And the original cast -- Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson -- returns to voice-over their characters in the game.

Players will hunt and fight supernatural villains in an effort to free New York City from another "paranormal plague." Aykroyd and Ramis, who wrote the 1984 film, will script the videogame as well, according to developers Sierra Entertainment and Sony Pictures.

This isn't the first Ghostbusters videogame. Activision produced a the first home version for the Atari, Sega, NES and Commodore systems back in '84. But for some reason, there's a lot of Internet buzz about this new version. There's an entire blog -- Ghostbusters III -- that offers daily updates on the game's developments.

They should be in business for a while. The game isn't expected to launch until Fall 2008.

For what it's worth, I always thought Ghostbusters the movie was a little over-hyped and under-acted. I wouldn't put it with the top work of either Murray or Aykroyd. But I suppose it's possibly one of the more quotable flicks.

TOP 5 LINES THAT BETTER BE IN THE VIDEOGAME:

5. "Take me now, subcreature."

4. "Gozer the Gozerian... good evening. As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension."

3. "We came, we saw, we kicked its ass."

2. "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria."

1. "If someone asks if you are a god, you say, 'YES!' "

Super smackdown at '80s Fest

Rick Springfield is tonight's headliner for '80s Superfest at Ruth Eckerd Hall, but is he the biggest hit machine from that magical music decade? This week, I challenged St. Petersburg Times pop culture guru Sharon Fink to defend her heartthrob while I defend the very masculine and prolific Eddie Money.

Later today, I'll be blogging live from backstage at Ruth Eckerd Hall, where I'm told I get to polish Eddie's sax. (I hope I didn't misunderstand that.)

But in the meantime, read our epic battle and tell us who wins:

Sharon's top 5 reasons Rick Springfield should headline

5. You're no one until the Biography channel has done an hourlong examination of your life, from the childhood in which you survived crushing loss of your favorite goldfish in a misguided fishing accident to an adulthood that has been rockier than the Rockies but ultimately has you ruling the world. Rick has one about him. Eddie doesn't.

4. Rick has the better (though little-used) accent. Australian always trumps anything from the Five Boroughs.

3. Because sex comes first in sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll: Rick'll get more women every time. It's the timeless allure of tall, dark and handsome. And great arms.

2. Every true headliner has a song that every woman wants to have been written about her. Every woman wants to be "Jessie's Girl" - to have Rick lust after her, and because she would be smart enough to dump that loser Jessie for Rick. No woman wants to be the poor sapette Eddie desperately corners in a bar and shouts at "Take Me Home Tonight."

1. Three of the most powerful words in pop culture history: Dr. Noah Drake.

Steve's Top 5 reasons Eddie Money should headline

5. Eddie's the real songwriting guru. I'm thinking of having the lyrics to Shakin' embroidered on a pillow: "She was up and down and round and round, sh-sh-shakin'! Oh-oh-oh!"

4. Eddie has cool co-stars. Listen closely to Kenny Loggins' "I'm Alright" and you'll hear a young Eddie singing "You make me feel good!" in the background. And Eddie has Ronnie Spector singing with him in "Take Me Home Tonight."

3. I've met them both, and both are tall, handsome gentleman. But I'm taking Eddie in any knife fight that happens backstage in the catering room when only one ham sandwich is left.

2. Before he became a musician, Eddie trained to be a cop. I like the odds of being on his side when the Ruth Eckerd crowd gets too rowdy. "Break out the riot gear and pepper spray, Eddie!"

1. Rick yearns for "Jessie's Girl," but Eddie shoots and scores with "Think I'm In Love" and "Two Tickets to Paradise." He's more than a headliner ... he's a closer!

Who wins? I'm heading off to Ruth Eckerd Hall, so stay tuned for backstage photos and updates.

[Rick Springfield publicity photo; Eddie Money photo by Kathleen Flynn of the Times]

Police in concert? De do do don't

The Police reunion tour makes it way to Tampa on July 11, but don't look for me to be sitting in the stands. My concert buddy, Times pop critic Sean Daly, will have to go it alone to the sold-out show at the St. Pete Times Forum.

I realize they're an '80s institution and I'm the flag-bearer for the decade (at least in the blog world). But no matter how much I tried to like their music back then -- or today -- I just don't get the attraction. Write it off as just my odd personal taste in music if you will. After all, I'm probably the only person who has Thomas Dolby, Stan Ridgway and Oingo Boingo on my list of acts I'd see ANY time they decide to play again.

So go read Sean Daly's oddly erotic ode to the band on his blog, and then consider my points here. If you've already decided to skip your car payment for this month to afford the ticket, say hi to Sean -- he'll be one of 20,000 people sadly trying to sing along with Roxanne like Eddie Murphy in 48 Hours. (Shudder.) Me? I'd rather save my money to buy Guitar Hero's new '80s edition.

Top 5 reasons to skip The Police on tour:

5. They're not a compelling live act. Sometimes I wonder if they're each playing different songs at the same time. (They call that jazz, right?) I don't know what magic goes on in the studio to fill things out, but during a show, they come across sounding like a trio playing a cruise ship lounge.

4. Sting, Andy Summers and Stewart Copeland hate each other. That's a lot of bad mojo. If it were possible for each band members to set up on opposite ends of the St. Pete Times Forum, they'd do it.

3. There are a lot of great 80s bands reunions this summer -- and this ain't one of them. I'd rather save my money for Genesis, The Jesus and Mary Chain or Crowded House. I'd even use my limited funds to spend for group counseling for Van Halen, just on the remote chance they'll get back together for a week or two.

2. I can't think of any Police song I really want to hear again. The corporate radio stations saturate the airwaves with their drivel. If I hear "Wrapped Around Your Finger" one my time on my way to work, I'm going to wrap my car around a sign post.

1. I just plain don't like them. The three of them remind me of the cool kids back in high school -- the ones with the cool clothes, hot girlfriends and great parties -- the ones we weren't invited to. Sorry, but if I wasn't cool enough for The Police back in the 80s, I'm not cool enough for them now.

Blog battle: Patriotic movies of the '80s

Are you ready for a red, white and bruisin'? Fantastic, because St. Petersburg Times film critic Steve Persall and I squaring off over the best patriotic movies of the 1980s.

First, a confession: I proudly let Persall's reviews guide almost all my movie-ticket buying decisions, with only a couple notable differences. I'll see any John Cusack, Cameron Crowe or Star Trek movie -- no matter how bad a review he gives them. In fact, I'll be spending July 4 in front of the TV, watching my "Elizabethtown" and "Say Anything" DVDs back to back all day, sobbing onto a big plate of mini corndogs.

But today, all bets are off. We've agreed ahead of time to pick different movies, but no matter how much he intellectualizes the themes of his weepy choices, I think my Commie-bashing, red-blooded approach will win you over.

STUCK IN THE 80's TOP 5 PATRIOTIC MOVIES OF THE 80s:

5. First Blood (1982): Mopey Vietnam vet ... moody townies ... blood-gushing violence ... Stallone almost intelligible. A classic, right? "Company leader to Raven! Rambo! Acknowledge!"

4. Platoon (1986): The acting opus for not only Charlie Sheen, but also Willem Dafoe (though you gotta love him in "Streets of Fire") and Tom Berenger. Plus "Johnny Drama" from "Entourage"? That's the real right stuff. "Feelin' good's good enough."

  3. Top Gun (1986): Remember when Tom Cruise made movies you wanted to watch? Nothing like a bunch of ego-swelled Navy pilots, sweating their asses off, "communicating" with MiG pilots ("Yes, I know 'the bird,' Goose...") to get your pride on. Through in a little Kelly McGillis, some Kenny Loggins and Berlin and it's blast-off time.  "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous."

2. Iron Eagle (1986): Hear me out on this one. Louis Gossett Jr. as "Chappy Sinclair" -- classic -- leading a teenager in a jet to the Middle East to rescue his father? But some campy dialog and a monster soundtrack, featuring Queen's "One Vision" and Twister Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It," and you have Masterpiece Theater for the 80s.

1. Red Dawn (1984): I love this one because it truly happened. Yeah, I pretty much figure the Russians and Cubans invaded America back in '84 during those couple weeks when I couldn't tear myself away from my Atari 2600. (I had to get my Asteriods on.) But think about it: Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen and Harry Dean Stanton? Don't tell me you're not sobbing at the end during the closing narration ... "In the early days of World War 3, guerillas - mostly children - placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone and gave up their lives, so that this nation should not perish from the earth."

Now, my take on Persall's picks:

• Born on the Fourth of July: Essentially just a dramatic version of Forrest Gump. Seriously. Think about it.
• Glory: Matthew Broderick's stiffest acting performance -- ever. (Yeah, including "Project X.")
• The Right Stuff: Great soundtrack surrounding two-plus hours of urination and enema jokes.
• Good Morning Vietnam: Your basic Robin Williams stand-up performance in fatigues. (I'd have picked "Moscow on the Hudson" instead, but I guess Persall's a closet commie.)
  
• Rocky 4: It's got communists, boxing, steroids, Stallone. Oh my, he may have me on this pick.

So there you go. Remember to read Persall's blog and then leave us comments and let us know how we did. And remember, when it comes to patriotism, Persall's ego is writing checks his body can't cash!

Blog battle: Asia vs. Traveling Wilburys

Days like these I feel like I can change the world: I have the tools and the arena to humiliate Times pop music critic Sean Daly in front of the entire world. This question in today's blog battle: Who's the better 80s supergroup -- Asia or the Traveling Wilburys?

Longtime readers of this blog no doubt know which side I'm taking -- ASIA! (Click here to read Sean's grammatically challenged excuse for a counter-argument. He spends more time with the hair gel than with a dictionary.)

Here are just five good reasons Asia comes out on top:

The artists: Who's the drummer for the Wilburys? No idea, but ELP legend Carl Palmer handles those duties for Asia. Former Yes guitarist Steve Howe, at 60 years of age, has more guitar licks in either hand than all five Wilburys stacked on top of each other. And come to think of it, that's really all the Wilburys are:  five lead singers ... each playing guitar. That's not a supergroup -- it's a barbershop quintet on decaf.

The names: Each Wilbury has his own nickname? God sake's why? Is this an episode of the Mickey Mouse Club or a rock band? (Asia bassist John Wetton has a nickname too. It's "John Wetton.") And the "Traveling Wilburys"? Are you kidding me, Daly? I know "Asia" isn't going to win any originality contests, but at least they won't be confused as the sequel to "Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?"

The music: The Wilbury's tunes sound like outtakes from the mockumentary flick "A Mighty Wind." I'd rather have the lyrics of "Heat of the Moment" tattooed on the inside of my eyelids than listen to "End of the Line" more than once. I can't even name more than two Wilbury songs, whereas even Daly knows the words to every song from Asia's debut album.

Longevity: The Wilburys lasted for two years, and -- with all due respect -- nearly half their members are dead now. Asia has survived in one form or another for 25 years. When half their members bolted in 1985, it was in big-time style -- ego and greed colliding with evil record company executives. That's Rock N Roll, my friends. But here they are, together again. Next to alligators and cockroaches, they're competing for the title of "Biological Form Most Likely to Survive an Atomic Winter."

Playing tonight: "Ladies and gentlemen ... the Traveling Wilburys!" (cricket, cricket). Not going to happen. But last night in Clearwater, "Please welcome ... ASIA!" Yeah, baby. All four original members were playing Ruth Eckerd Hall. I was there, and I wasn't yelling for "Handle With Care."

Let's face it: The Wilburys is a band packaged for the critics. Asia is just for the fans. And that's what music is supposed to be all about.

So read Daly's limp-noodled argument and sound off: Who wins today's blog battle?

Blog battle: Sting's the real talent here

Episode III: Return of the Pop Critic... So Times pop critic Sean Daly, still fresh from licking his wounds over Huey Lewis' insults, has challenged the Stuck in the 80s institution to a blog battle. I don't think this is going to do much for his confidence, but so be it.

Today's battle: Sting vs. The Police.

This time around we didn't even have to pick the shortest straw: I'm here to say for all mankind that Sting's solo career vastly overshadows and exceeds his success with The Police. I could spell out the reasons in narrative form like predictable ole Daly, a man so technologically impaired that I recently gave him the book "Tron - For Dummies" for Christmas. But I'd rather give you a flashy list instead. Click here to read his sorry excuse for journalism and then enjoy my rebuttal...

Top 5 reasons why Sting is better without The Police:

5. The Police's defining (and final) album, Synchronicity, features a bunch of hits -- written entirely by Sting. It's practically a "pre-debut" solo album for Sting. What happens when you involve Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers? A pair of hideous tunes ("Mother" and "Miss Gradenko").

4. Sting leaves The Police and immediately starts having marathon tantric sex with his wife. Sean can warble all he wants about choosing the "bone over the band," but I've been in a couple bands myself, and -- if I had the ability -- I'm choosing the 8-hour bedroom fiesta every time.

3. Sting's first solo album is -- dare I say -- a classic. "Dream of the Blue Turtles" incorporated Sting's love of jazz with his politically-infused lyrics and STILL had four huge hits. And this was 1985 -- not exactly a banner year for jazzy political manifestos. Worried about a sophomore slump? Sting's second album -- "Nothing Like The Sun" -- also had four more hits, including the brilliant "Be Still My Beating Heart."

2. Let's talk about the song Roxanne. Great song ... until Eddie Murphy had to sing it in 48 Hours. Now, every time a bar holds a karaoke night, some yeehaw has to get up and scream Roxanne just like Eddie. (Is this The Police's fault? No, but somebody's gotta take the blame, and it ain't gonna be Sting.)

1. All told, Sting has landed 19 songs on the U.S. charts. And I'd rather listen to any of them before hearing "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da" or "Invisible Sun" one more time. In fact, I'd rather forfeit my tax refund check to help pay for Daly's chest-hair implants than listen to either of those tunes.

On a more personal note, I've seen Sting twice live in concert, and the first one (1985 in Gainesville, Fla.) was an experience I'll never forget -- complete with bags of Ronrico rum secretly hidden in my GAP jeans, a very hot but drunk date, puddles of vomit and the mysterious and unexpected return of an old high school girlfriend all rolled into a single night.

When it comes to music -- as well as stories -- from the 80s, The Police just can't top Sting.

Caddyshack vs. Happy Gilmore

Last night, comedy fans were tragically forced to make a choice at 8 p.m.: Watch Caddyshack or Happy Gilmore. Myself? I flipped back and forth before the spirit (gin, I believe) took me for the night.

But it's an epic golf movie battle worth playing out again. I'm going to give Happy Gilmore the temporary status of "80s movie" since star Adam Sandler is an 80s nut. (However, the movie cannot drive at night and it must have someone 21 years or older in the passenger seat.)

But which movie is better?

Signature stars:
Caddyshack: Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield, Ted Knight.
Happy Gilmore: Adam Sandler, Christopher McDonald, Carl Weathers, Julie Bowen.
Advantage: Caddyshack

Foul use of language:
Caddyshack: The directors used their R rating for nudity, not on cursing. So except for the occasional "doodie," there's not much here.
Happy Gilmore: Not as much as you'd think, but the comically bleeped out tirades are classic.
Advantage: Happy Gilmore

Flagrant nudity:
Caddyshack: It's like Caligula -- on a golf course.
Happy Gilmore: Aside from Bowen in stockings and garters, there's no skin here.
Advantage: Caddyshack

Scene-stealer:
Caddyshack: The gopher.
Happy Gilmore: Take your pick -- Bob Barker ("I don't want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!"), Kevin Nealon ("Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow") or Ben Stiller ("You're in my world now, grandma.")
Advantage: Even call.

Signature golfing line:
Caddyshack: "This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion."
Happy Gilmore: "Why can't you go home? Aren't you good enough for your home? ANSWER ME! Suck my white a-- ball!"
Advantage: Caddyshack

Signature comedy line:
Caddyshack: "Hey everybody, we're all gonna get l--d."
Happy Gilmore: "The price is wrong, b--ch."
Advantage: Caddyshack

OK, so it's not as close as it seems. To be honest, on regular TV, I'd rather watch Happy Gilmore. There's less that has to be edited. But on DVD or the pay channels, it's Caddyshack every time.

[Source: IMDB.com]

R.E.M vs. U2?

Has everyone seen the article on Slate.com by now? Their writer poses the question: Who was the best rock band of the '80s -- R.E.M. or U2?

Sounds vaguely like an argument that Times pop critic Sean Daly and I would joust over in a Ye Ole Time Blog Battle. I'm guessing he'd want to take U2 and stick me with defending R.E.M.

For some reason, it doesn't seem like a fair comparison. It's like asking, who's your favorite sports team -- the Tampa Bay Bucs or the Chicago Cubs. They're not playing the same game. Likewise, the bands' lyrics and messages were nowhere close to being similar. The guitar work by The Edge and Peter Buck were mirror opposites. Bono and Michael Stipe comparatively have the personalities of Penn and Teller. Really the only thing they had in common was the timeframe.

Two of my favorite albums of the 80s were by these two bands: U2's Unforgettable Fire and R.E.M.'s Lifes Rich Pageant. I own them both on CD and play them often, which proves the real answer to Slate's question is: Just enjoy both bands and instead focus on the real questions of the 80s, like:

• Best Daryl Hannah movie of the 80s: Blade Runner or Reckless?
• Why is Dan Aykroyd singing in "We Are The World"?
• Worst Tom Cruise movie of the 80s: Legend or Losin' It?
• How did everyone suddenly learn how to dance at the end of Footloose?

[Click here to listen to our U2 podcast from 2005]

Blog Battle: Spandau Ballet's True

Time to answer another burning question from the 80s: Spandau Ballet's 1983 song "True" ... truly classic or truly painful?

It's time to decide the issue in an old fashioned blog battle with Times pop critic Sean Daly. Normally, he and I draw straws to decide who takes what side on the issue. (He drew the better band but lost anyway in pathetic fashion during our Go-Go's vs. Bangles throwdown). But I was shocked to hear these words spring from his lips yesterday: "I think it's the worst song of all-time."

After the shock wore off, I did what any 80s addict would do. I decked him, lit his body on fire, danced around the smoldering corpse and then sprinkled his ashes in the River Styx (the official river of all 80s fans, naturally).

Click here to read his final words on why he hates True. But more importantly, here is my argument:

5 REASONS WHY SPANDAU BALLET'S TRUE IS A CLASSIC:

5. Is it new wave? Hmmm. Pop? Not so much. Rock? Ummm. No. True shares jazz, soul, R&B and other influences. It's a blend, like my favorite Canadian whiskey, and that gives it a uniqueness among 80s ballads.

4. Speaking of crossing genres, 90s hip-hop act PM Dawn loved the song so much, they sampled it extensively on their hit "Set Adrift on Memory Bliss." The single and accompanying album brought glowing reviews. Even a young Sean Daly, writing for his high school newspaper, the Camp Hill (Pa.) Highlight, called it "sublime and dreamy ... like my feeling after eating a twin lobster dinner."

3. It's featured as the closing song in Adam Sandler's "Wedding Singer" and if there's one person on the planet who loves the 80s more than me, it's Sandler. (Steve Buscemi sings it at Robbie and Julia's wedding.)

2. As a band itself, Spandau Ballet was hailed as "brave" and "hugely innovative" (while Daly's taste is music is usually described by words like "toasty" and "spongey." The bandmembers wore matching suits; Sean wears a muu-muu.

1. It was the song that played during my first significant slow dance: Tarpon Spring's Cavern Club, Nov. 23, 1983, 11:37 p.m., the lovely Robin. It only took me six months to get over her and that dance (only to have her reappear four years later when she dated my best friend. That took another 18 months to get over.) To this day, whenever I hear it, I think of her. Warmly, I swear.

Come to think of it, maybe Sean was right all along. ... Nah, I'll always love Spandau Ballet's True. Robin, on the other hand, I've finally learned to live without.

Speaking of 1983...

Our latest podcast -- the one-hit wonders of 1983 -- is now online. Click here to listen or click here to download the series for free on iTunes. I don't want to ruin the surprise of which songs you'll hear. You'll just have to tune and let the memories wind right through you.

Friday the 13th battle: Best 80s horror villain

When we asked for your input on the upcoming Best Horror Movies of the 80s list, you knew this side-argument was on the way: Who's the best horror movie villain of the 80s?

So go walk under a ladder, cross the path of a black cat, break a few mirrors and buy a Lionel Richie CD -- all the things that traditionally bring bad luck -- and sound off. Here are the three main contenders, but feel free to add more of your own:

Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th series):
Pros: Usually waits til his victims at least finish sex first before dispatching them.
Cons: Last name sounds Swedish -- how many Swedish serial killers are wandering summer camps in the U.S.? It would explain the hockey mask though.

Michael Myers (Halloween series):
Pros: Has the good sense not to kill the lovely Jamie Lee Curtis.
Cons: These days, mainly confused with Mike Myers of Austin Powers fame. Also, what's with the William Shatner mask painted white?

Freddy Kreuger (A Nightmare on Elm Street series)
Pros: Snappy dresser; only one of the top 3 villains to actually speak.
Cons: He only kills in your dreams? Most of us today are on so many prescriptions for various emotional problems that it's a miracle if we get to sleep at all.

Who are we forgetting?

Blog battle: Bangles vs. Go-Go's

Are you ready for a full-fledged blog battle with my arch-nemesis, pop critic Sean Daly? Today, we're taking on the burning issue for all red-blooded power-pop fans from the 80s:

Which was the better group -- The Go-Go's or The Bangles? We drew straws and I'm here to defend The Bangles. (Click here to read Sean's defense of the Go-Go's).

Top 5 reasons why the Bangles are better than the Go-Go's:

5. Their name: Let's get down to basics -- even their name is better. The Go-Go's? Hmmm. Suggests the 60s to me, not the 80s. On the other hand, "bangles" were one of the ultimate 80s accessories. For trivia buffs, the first name of the band was The Supersonic Bangs (later shortened to Bangs then changed to Bangles because of another band already was called the Bangs.) The Go-Go's? I don't see any other band wanting to steal that name.

4. Favored by royalty: Which band did Prince -- the elite 80s icon -- pen a tune for? Umm, that'd be The Bangles, Bob. "Manic Monday" was composed by his Royal Purpleness, and it became a #2 hit in the U.S. back in 1986.

3. Greatest cover song: The only reason to watch the movie "Less Than Zero" is the chills you get when you hear the beginning notes of the Bangles' "Hazy Shade of Winter," a cover of the classic tune by Simon and Garfunkel. In fact, the cover is better than the original, thanks to the signature guitar work that rivals any other riff from the 80s.

2. Pop culture goddesses: If I asked you to "walk like an Egyptian," you'd do it, wouldn't you? No hesitation whatsoever. That's the pop power of the Bangles. It's also possibly one of the sexiest videos of the 1980s. Don't believe me? Catch the eye-shimmies from my favorite Bangle by rewatching it now.

1. Oh, Susanna!: Say what you want about Belinda Carlisle, but there is no sexier female musician in the 80s than Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles. How hot is she? Remember "Manic Monday" -- it was written by Prince as a gift to Hoffs because the dude was totally smitten with her. (Did it help woo her? Nah, but what a classic story.) And in 1986, the movie The Allnighter should have been a total box office bomb. It wasn't and you know why: Because it starred sexy Susanna.

Sean, just say "mercy" and admit you've been old-schooled by a Jedi master.

Olivia Newton-John vs. Linda Hamilton

Two of the sexiest screen sirens of the 80s share a birthday today: Olivia Newton-John (58) and Linda Hamilton (50). Don't let their ages fool you -- any testosterone-driven 80s fan would gladly crawl through broken glass for either of them. Paris Hilton will look more like her chihuahua than an actual human when she reaches their age.

But what if you had to choose to take just one out for a special birthday dinner?  Let's go to the stats:

Movies:
Olivia: Grease, Xanadu, Two of a Kind
Linda: The Terminator, Black Moon Rising, Mr. Destiny
Edge: Linda, since the only thing good about ONJ's later films is the music.

Secret talents:
Olivia: singing, roller-skating, grilling shrimp on the barbie.
Linda: personal training, advanced weaponry.
Edge: I'm couple-skating with Olivia.

Signature line:
Olivia: "Tell me about it ... Stud."
Linda: "Come on. Do I look like the mother of the future?"
Edge: We're hopelessly devoted to Olivia here.

Painful blowoff line:
Olivia: "Your a fake and a phony and I wish I never laid eyes on you. "
Linda: "You're terminated ..."
Edge: Ouch, I've had both those lines delivered to me. No winner here!

In real life:
Olivia: Latest boyfriend missing since fishing trip in 2005.
Linda: Married and divorced Terminator director James Cameron.
Edge: So, they're available, right? Tie again.

Final winner: Olivia Newton-John in a squeaker. Go queue up Grease and remember, if you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.

80s dance-off: Joel vs. Duckie

When it comes to lip-syncing and toe-tapping, which epic 80s dance scene gets your vote: Tom Cruise ("Joel Goodsen") in Risky Business or Jon Cryer ("Duckie Dale") in Pretty in Pink?

Let's get ready to Rumba!

The song...
Joel: Bob Seger's Old Time Rock & Roll.
Duckie: Otis Redding's Try a Little Tenderness.
Advantage: They both go old school, but Otis gives Duckie the slight edge here. Even Seger sings that he "rather hear some blues or funky old soul."

The outfit...
Joel: Ray-ban sunglasses, oxford shirt, tighty whities, socks.
Duckie: Thrift and military surplus store chic.
Advantage: Joel wins by a nose, thanks to the female votes.

Location and audience...
Joel: Solo in the living room (needed for the tricky sofa flop).
Duckie: In front of Andie and Iona at the record shop.
Advantage: Duckie gets my vote here for courage alone.

Signature move...
Joel: The slide across the wood floor at the song's beginning (though I'm a big fan of the spastic frenzy move on the couch too -- that had "whiskey-induced dance fever" written all over it).
Duckie: Banging and stomping the floor as the song reaches the pinnacle.
Advantage: Joel gets the vote here, for creating a moment that transcends pop culture.

And when it's all over...
Joel: Presumably drunk, horny and hungover.
Duckie: Andie blows him off and goes on a date with Blane.
Advantage: Nobody!

See, guys? You can never win by dancing. But either Joel or Duckie can win this dance-off. So leave your vote. And remember, to paraphrase Joel, "if there were any logic to our language, 'dance' would be a four letter word."

Blog battle: Best storm anthem?

Tropical Storm Alberto is whipping Florida and the Tampa Bay area this week with sheets of rain and gusty winds. So while I weaved my trusty Toyota home through the flooded streets on the way to work, I searched the trusty iPod for an appropriate rock tune for stormy weather. (Our 80s college, Times pop music critic Sean Daly has his own list of rainy-day songs.)

Turns out there are two great ones to choose from: REO Speedwagon's "Riding the Storm Out" and The Scorpions' "Rock You Like a Hurricane."

But which tune is truly the superior anthem for tropical weather?

REO's Riding the Storm Out:
Lyrics: "The wind outside is frightening. But it's kinder that the lightning life of the city"
Pros: Killer opening sequence with the storm siren blowing.
Cons: Read the lyrics. Is this about a snow storm? If so, I've lost all respect for the song. Also, it's technically not an 80s song (it charted in '77), though it played nonstop during the decade.

Scorpion's Rock You Like a Hurricane:
Lyrics: "Lust is in cages til storm breaks loose. Just have to make it with someone I choose"
Pros: Some kinky lyrics ... makes me not care if this is about rainy weather or not. Those pervy Germans.
Cons:  I was never a big Scorpions fan. Their music wasn't much help in wooing the opposite sex.

Time to vote. And send any spare umbrellas you have down our way. I've gone through two already today.

The Cars are the saddest group ever?

Are The Cars the saddest group of the 80s when it comes to penning depressing ballads? Not hardly. (I'm thinking maybe The Smiths.) But for today's round 3 of sad songs, you -- faithful reader -- must pick between several Cars classics.

Contender #1: I'm Not the One
Lyrics:  "We've been through this so many times. It's never clear. It's pantomime."

Contender #2: Drive
Lyrics: " Who's gonna tell you when it's too late. Who's gonna tell you things aren't so great."

Contender #3: Since You're Gone
Lyrics: "You're so treacherous when it comes to tenderness."

Contender #4: Why Can't I Have You
Lyrics: "I cling forever. I go all night"

Contender #5: My Best Friend's Girl
Lyrics: "She's my best friend's girl. And she used to be mine."

If you care about which song charted out the highest, the answer is "I'm Not the One." Prefer saddest video? Then go with "Drive." Tell us which Cars song is saddest.

(Check out Round 1 and Round 2. Like contests? Try out 80s lyrics challenge: part 1 and part 2. Plus the Molly Ringwald challenge. And check out our latest podcast for Name that 80s Tune for a chance to win a TBT baseball cap.)

Round 2: REO vs. James Ingram

Our search for the saddest song of the 80s continues. Against All Odds trounced Separate Lives in the first round. So here we go again.

Today's contenders -- Just Once by James Ingram vs. Take It On the Run by REO Speedwagon. Yep, two songs by artists better known for bigger hits. REO had "Keep on Lovin' You" (also off the Hi Infidelity album) and Ingram had "Somewhere Out There" (for the soundtrack of the animated featured An American Tail)

Contestant No. 1: Take It on the Run:
Big seller: No. 5 in the U.S., No. 19 in the U.K in 1981
Movie tie-in: No noteworthy appearances that we can think of. (And why not?)
Longevity: This song screams 1981. And the lyrics can get annoying.
Lyrics: "If you leave tonight keep running. And you need never look back again"

Contestant No. 2: Just Once:
Big seller: Ingram's first big hit actually appeared on the Quincy Jones album "The Dude."
Movie tie-in: Best know to legions of 80s addicts as the song Gary is listening to on the radio as he drives away at the end of "Last American Virgin."
Longevity: Still brings tears to the eyes. (Poor Gary. Cheer up, you can do better than Karen!)
Lyrics: "I did my best. But I guess my best wasn't good enough. 'Cause here we are back where we were before."

And a trivia question: A song by one of these artists is the subject of a joke in the movie "The 40-year-old Virgin." Name the song.

Leave a comment with your vote on which song is sadder. Give us your recommendation too for songs for future rounds. And tune back in for round three.

(Like contests? Try out 80s lyrics challenge: part 1 and part 2. Plus the Molly Ringwald challenge. And check out our latest podcast for Name that 80s Tune for a chance to win a TBT baseball cap.)

Saddest songs competition: Separate Lives vs. Against All Odds

Time to pit two of Phil Collins' songs against each other in Round 1 of the Saddest Song of the 80s contest. ("Sad" in a boo-hoo sorta way -- not sad like "The Spice Girls' Greatest Hits.") To make it more interesting, both are from movie soundtracks. Separate Lives is from "White Nights" (1985 film with Gregory Hines and Mikhail Baryshnikov) and Against All Odds is from, ummm, "Against All Odds" (1984 movie starring Jeff Bridges, James Woods and Rachel Ward).

In this corner, Separate Lives ...
-- Big seller: Hit #1 on U.S. charts
-- Movie tie-in: Appears in a slightly better movie than its competition
-- Longevity: Has a sound that's not quite so 80s (but is that a plus or a minus?), possibly because it's a duet with Marilyn Martin.
-- Lyrics: "You have no right to ask me how I feel. You have no right to speak to me so kind. We can’t go on just holding on to time. Now that we’re living separate lives"

And in this corner, Against All Odds ...
-- Big seller: Also hit #1 on U.S. charts (back in the day when Phil could do no wrong)
-- Movie tie-in: Slightest cheesier movie, but with more sweaty romantic scenes. (And no movie suffers from an appearance by James Woods.)
-- Longevity: Phil plays it more often in concert, because it's a solo. Has been covered by other artists (again a plus or minus).
-- Lyrics: "I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You’re the only one who really knew me at all."

Leave a comment with your vote for the sadder song. And come back soon for the opinion from the Times' 80s experts.

(Like contests? Try out 80s lyrics challenge: part 1 and part 2. And check out our latest podcast for Name that 80s Tune for a chance to win a TBT baseball cap.)