Dueling Christmas movie marathons: 'A Christmas Story' vs. 'Dirty Dancing'

The Christmas morning tradition of opening up big gift boxes full of roller skates, parachute pants and Atari games has long since been retired. But if you want to have a totally tubular holiday, all you need do it turn on the television.

And this Christmas, you actually have an interesting choice of two movie marathons: TBS's 24 straight hours of A Christmas Story (beginning Christmas Eve). Or 12 straight hours of Dirty Dancing on the TV Guide Network, starting at noon Dec. 25.

Dirty Dancing for Christmas? Somewhere, in the great beyond, even the late Patrick Swayze is shaking his head in wonderment. And while it's nice to have a choice between two '80s classics, I'm not sure how Dirty Dancing's abortion storyline and will play in front of the family that afternoon. 

My suggestion: Set the kids up in front of one TV turned to TBS and let them discover the joys of Ralphie. Let the moms gather in another room to get all teary for Johnny Castle and Baby. Men, follow me to the den. I have Scrooged and Christmas Vacation on DVD.

Happy birthday, Louie: Danny DeVito turns 65

Danny DeVito is one of the lucky ones. Still going strong decades after he first caught people's attention as Martini in 1975's One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, DeVito was a god in the '80s. And even today, he continues to amaze on TV's It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Sure, Danny's taken some good-natured lumps lately after at least one less-than-alert interview. (Is there a law against "talking under the influence of Lemoncello?") But we forgive him, because like Dudley Moore in Arthur, it's so damn funny. (Even though my dad once cautioned me to never laugh at comedies based on alcohol abuse. I think that was the same night we both split our spleens wide open watching Animal House. But I digress.)

BTW, my ultimate guilty pleasure DeVito flick? It's actually the 1984 made-for-cable movie called The Ratings Game, in which DeVito plays a trucking magnate who wants to get into the TV sitcom business. It was the first movie commissioned by Showtime and first movie DeVito would direct (and the one where he met future wife Rhea Perlman, I believe.)

DeVito hits a big birthday milestone today, turning 65 years old. If he doesn't celebrate with an ice-cold bottle of the sweet, yellow hooch, I'll be crushed.

TOP 5 DANNY DEVITO ROLES OF THE '80s:

4. OWEN (Throw Momma From The Train): "At least meet her. Maybe she'd be someone you'd like to kill."

4. RALPH (Romancing the Stone): "Uh, odio, er... ah... americanos, uh... I spit on 'em, ptuh! I hate americanos, they're scumo! Scum!"

3. VIC DE SALVO (The Ratings Game): "I didn't make a move on you for four days. If that isn't love, I don't know what is."

2. SAM STONE (Ruthless People): "Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY!"

1. LOUIE DE PALMA (Taxi): "Whenever I hear the word 'marriage,' I say, 'Check, please!' "

Must-see flicks outside the '80s: Get Shorty, Hoffa, L.A. Confidential, The Rainmaker

Failed 'Risky Business' dance routines: "Time of your life, eh kid?"

Most of us learned a long time ago that we can't dance like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. But those who don't learn from history are doomed to ... slam their heads into hardwood floors.

My two favorite parts of the video (aside from the obvious concussion-rendering fall): Laying out the blanket as first aid, and the look on the survivor's face as she turns off the video camera.

Click here to see more failed Risky Business dance routines. [Hat tip to Whitney at Pop Candy.]

Another stake in the heart of the '80s: 'Fright Night' remake coming

Wanna see something really scary? Hollywood is set to remake the 1985 horror comedy Fright Night.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Mad Men writer-producer Marti Noxon will write the remake for DreamWorks. That's somewhat of a relief since Noxon cut her fangs, so to speak, as a writer on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. THR says "the new version will keep the comedy-horror tone while modernizing the effects." Oh thank you.

No word on who'd star in the remake -- Chris Sarandon, Roddy McDowall and William Ragsdale were in the original -- but safe to assume it'll be a bunch of somewhat trendy TV stars from shows that we all should be watching but don't because we're too busying watching the John Cusack movie marathon on AMC.

Seriously, is nothing sacred, Hollywood? Why not get Judd Apatow to remake E.T. while they're at it? Have Michael Cera play "Elliot" and Ellen Page play "Gertie." And instead of Reese's Pieces, the alien just quaffs Tic-Tacs to get those bicycles flying over the moon.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM FRIGHT NIGHT:

5. "I am Peter Vincent, vampire killer!"

4. "Apparently your generation doesn't want to see vampire killers anymore, nor vampires either. All they want to see slashers running around in ski masks, hacking up young virgins."

3. "Mmm mmm! His dinner... is in the oven!"

2. "Kill me. Kill me, Charley... before I turn into a vampire, and... GIVE YOU A HICKEY!"

1. "Welcome to Fright Night! For real."

Cusack-mania going strong: John talks '80s flicks with NY Magazine

John Cusack is ALL over the place as his newest flick, 2012, is about to open nationwide. His latest appearance is in the pages of NY Magazine, where he actually goes back in time -- for a minute or so -- and talks about his '80s classics. Here are some highlights:

ON WHAT MOVIES STILL ENDURE: "Some of the ones that I make, like Say Anything, The Grifters, or even High Fidelity or 1408, those you can sort of feel right when they came out people were way into them. But I made a movie when I was a teenager, Better Off Dead, and people still come up to me and I'm like, "Wow." They quote lines to me and I don't even remember the movie that well."

ON 'ONE CRAZY SUMMER': "I remember even when I read the script for [Crazy Summer], they were mixing a teen movie with black comedy and even some surreal stuff. So I knew back then that this was a really cool tone and maybe this will be good."

Click here to read the full interview.

And if you're curious what Times film critic Steve Persall thought about 2012, here's his full review.

Are you ready for ... a 'Three Men & A Baby' sequel? ("That was rhetorical, boys")

Steve Guttenberg, Tom Selleck and Ted Danson are set to reunite and film a sequel to 1987's Three Men and a Baby. (Because we refuse to quality 1990's Three Men and a Little Lady as actually existing.)

The working title: Three Men and a Bride, according to WENN.com. Disney is developing the film, in which their "baby" Mary would be given away as a bride.

“That’s going to be a smash. A smash hit. They’re bringing everybody back for that," Guttenberg told WENN. “Nobody knows about it. I’m the first to talk about it.”

(Is that anything like the first people to talk about seeing Ringo Starr's face in a droplet of water? Because that hasn't worked out all the well either.)

Guttenberg also claims to want to sequels for Police Academy, Cocoon and Short Circuit.

“They’re surefire hits and I think they’re good for the world," he says.

Okay, okay. Stop laughing. Maybe Guttenberg is right. We loved those flicks when we were kids. We liked all of Guttenberg's flicks in the '80s, from Can't Stop The Music to Diner to Bad Medicine and even High Spirits.

Wait ... Maybe it's really Steve Guttenberg who's good for the world!

(By the way, extra credit for anyone naming the movie I'm quoting at the top with the "rhetorical" line.)

TOP 5 UPLIFTING STEVE GUTTENBERG QUOTES:

5. "Anyone who could swallow two Snowballs and a Ding Dong shouldn't have any trouble with pride." (Can't Stop The Music)

4. "Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye." (Three Men and a Baby)

3."I'm dead. So this is what it feels like. Like a hangover." (High Spirits)

2. "I hope you're not gonna to take your skin off! 'Cause I really like skin on a woman!" (Cocoon)

1."If you want to talk, you always have the guys at the diner. You don't need a girl if you wanna talk." (Diner)

The new Yogi: Dan Aykroyd is smarter than your average '80s star

Hollywood is at it again, trying to force a Saturday morning kids program into a big-screen hit. (Worked great with Land of the Lost, didn’t it?)

The latest will be a real bear. Warner Bros. plans a live-action/computer-animated version of Yogi Bear. Hmmm, that could be good ... depending on the voices.

According to Variety, the first choices are Dan Aykroyd as Yogi and Justin Timberlake as his trusty sidekick. “Heeeey, Boo-Boo. This sounds tastier than that pic-a-nic basket!”

Aykroyd has the perfect voice for Yogi, and unlike other '80s stars, he seems to have a better eye lately for picking movie projects with potential. (Christmas with the Kranks? Okay, I take that back.)

As long as Will Ferrell doesn’t show up as Ranger Smith, we think Hollywood’s back on the right track again.

TOP 5 DAN AYKROYD ROLES OF THE '80s:
(BTW, it's totally worth clicking on the links below to see the videos, just to remember how truly bad trailers were in the '80s.)

5. JOE FRIDAY (Dragnet): "Look out. Muppets."

4. ROMAN CRAIG (The Great Outdoors): "Why do Chet's kids look at him like he's Zeus and my kids look at me like I'm a rack of lawn tools at Sears?"

3. BOOLIE WERTHAN (Driving Miss Daisy): "You're a doodle, Mama."

2. LOUIS WINTHORPE III (Trading Places): "Those men wanted to have sex with me!"

1. ELWOOD BLUES (The Blues Brothers): "Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now."

Just missed the list: Vic (Neighbors), Austin Millbarge (Spies Like Us), Dr. Raymond Stantz (Ghostbusters), John Burns (The Couch Trip)

Not a chance: Clifford Skridlow (Doctor Detroit), Steven Mills (My Stepmother Is an Alien), Capt. Tom Everett (Caddyshack 2)

John Cusack talks up latest back-to-the-'80s flick 'Hot Tub Time Machine'

John Cusack doesn't chat up the media nearly often enough, but here he is talking about his latest bizarre-beyond-belief project Hot Tub Time Machine.

"It's pretty fun if you like those old movies," Cusack tells i09.com. "There are some characters that make fun of those old movie characters like the stock bad guys on the ski patrol and the things like that."

Craig Robinson, Clark Duke and Rob Corddry are co-starring with Cusack. But look for '80s-centric performances also by Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover.

Cusack said he agree to tackle the movie because the studio gave him the ability to write the script on the fly -- on the provision that shooting start right away.

"It was a very insane project and time frame, but we decided to do it anyways," he says. "It was a mad dash. Because you know what the f--k? It's just this insane juggernaut."

Click here for the full interview. Click here for the latest trailer, which is full of NSFW language. The movie is set for a March 10 release. And wow, Hot Tub Time Machine has its own official website already.

'Lloyd Dobler' mob invades NYC on 20th anniversary of 'Say Anything'

"One question: Do you need ... someone, or do you need me? ... Forget it, I don't really care."

The John Cusack classic Say Anything turns 20 years old this year. (Technically it was released in April 1989). A new 20th anniversary edition of the DVD hit store shelves this week. And on Tuesday, mobs of Lloyd Dobler wanna-bes swarmed New York City to celebrate.

Whitney Matheson at Pop Candy has the full scoop and more photos.

Meanwhile, as Sean Daly and I prepare to release our own epic John Cusack podcast this week, we need to know this: What are your picks for BEST and WORST John Cusack movies of ALL TIME?

Leave us a comment below!

John Connor, get your checkbook: 'Terminator' franchise for sale

How can we possibly be out of the recession if something as historically epic as the Terminator franchise is up for sale?

Deadline Hollywood says Sony, Summit Entertainment and Media Rights Capital are all fighting for the highest bid when the entire Terminator franchise -- movies, TV shows, the works -- is auctioned off this month.

"The sale is being conducted by FTI Capital Advisors for Halcyon which bought the Terminator rights 2 years ago for $25M from Mario Kassar," Deadline Hollywood explains. "Halcyon recently filed for Chapter 11 after a dispute with Pacificor, a Santa Barbara-based hedge fund that lent Halcyon the sum to buy the Terminator rights."

What the heck? That's Wall Street mumbo jumbo to '80s fans. We half-expected SkyNet to be involved.

TOP 5 MOST DEPRESSING LINES IN 'THE TERMINATOR':

5. "Pain can be controlled - you just disconnect it."

4. "Maybe it'll be enough if you know that in the few hours we had together we loved a lifetime's worth."

3. "I can't help you with what you must soon face, except to say that the future is not set."

2. "Nobody goes home. Nobody else comes through. It's just him - and me."

1. "Look at it this way: In a hundred years, who's gonna care?"