Octopussy, Leonard Part 6, Big Top Pee Wee: Dumbest movie names of the '80s

Excuse the rant, but ... Yes, The Karate Kid was a goofball, I-give-up name for a movie in the '80s that actually turned out to be pretty iconic. But it just steams my bologna boat to see that the new remake of Karate Kid will be called ...

The Kung Fu Kid. (Pfffffft!)

The Jackie Chan (instead of Pat Morita) and Jaden "I'm Will's kid" Smith ('stead of Ralph Macchio) movie will also be set in China. No problems there. But I'm telling you right now: If there's no Cobra Kai dogo in the remake, and no "Sweep the leg" taunting, I'm going to go all wax-on, wax-off on Hollywood.

Still, studio heads have a well-deserved rep for botching movie titles. Especially in the '80s. I need your help with this list, per usual, so let's get started: Name the worst or dumbest movie titles of the '80s. (No, you can't do porn names. Well, you can, but just e-mail those to me separately.)

Here are five that come to mind immediately:

OCTOPUSSY (1983): I still can't say the name of this underrated James Bond flick with a straight face. My guess: Some movie exec won major coin by winning a bet that a movie could be greenlit and released under this titillating title. (The title -- like most Bond titles -- came from a comes from the collection of short stories by Ian Fleming called, yep, Octopussy and The Living Daylights.)

BIG TOP PEE WEE (1988): What was worse: The movie itself or its title? The irony:  The  movie title is funnier since Paul Reubens was arrested for exposing himself in an adult theater in nearby Sarasota, Fla., giving new meaning to the circus phrase "pitching a tent."

HEARTBEEPS (1981): I only include this because in a fit of what must only be described as complete dymensia, I actually TiVo'd this Andy Kaufman nightmare last week. When I awoke from a Funyun and Wild Turkey coma, it was immediately erased.

LEONARD PART 6 (1987): Have fun with your non-'80s friends and put Leonard Parts 1 through 5 on your wish list next Christmas.

FRANKENWEENIE (1984): A short film by Tim Burton, who is possibly the only director on the planet who could talk actors like Shelley Duvall and Daniel Stern into appearing in a movie with this title.

Okay, fire away. What other movie titles need to be on the list of worst movie names of the '80s?

Prepare to have childhood memories crushed: 'G.I. Joe' could be year's worst movie

Do you still have nightmares seeing Dolph Ludgren as "He-Man" in 1987's Masters of the Universe?  Get ready for more sleepless nights because the word in Hollywood is that the big-screen version of '80s cartoon G.I. Joe is the runaway contender for worst movie of 2009.

The website io9.com called G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra "Showgirls meets Plan 9." That's seriously brilliant commentary.

"We're all expecting G.I. Joe to be one of the worst movies of all time -- but we were actually overestimating it," the blog says. "Judging from the novelization, G.I. Joe will be a masterpiece of badness."

The movie opens Aug. 7. Check the official website for trailers and more hype. If you can stomach it.

Not everyone, though agrees with the doomsayers. Comicbookmovie.com actually gives it a lukewarm review -- damn near a glowing one compared to others.

"I've been familiar with G.I. Joe since I was a kid. I remember the cartoon, the silly PSAs and, of course, the toys. However, I was never a die hard fan or anything like that. After seeing the trailers, and realizing it looked pretty much nothing like the G.I.Joe I remember, I wasn't expecting much," writes its reviewer. "So, with that said, here's the short version: It wasn't great, but it wasn't the train wreck I expected. Also, it was more enjoyable than Transformers 2."

Of course, that's like saying Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was better than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Flash Gordon, Xanadu, Buckaroo Banzai: Name the campiest movies of the '80s

Is Flash Gordon, that masterpiece featuring Sam Jones, Max von Sydow and Timothy Dalton, the campiest movie of the '80s?

It might not even be the campiest movie of 1980. Consider the competition that year: Xanadu, Smokey and the Bandit II, The Blue Lagoon, Popeye.

But with Flash Gordon and its killer Queen soundtrack playing this Saturday at the Beach Theatre in St. Pete Beach -- for free -- I'm leaning toward giving it a secured top 5 status.

Of course, what we need to do now is simple: Name the campiest movies of the '80s. I'll give you broad authority to define "campy" any way you want. But to me, it's a movie that's incredibly fun to watch because it's unintentionally comic, ironic but yet sentimental.

Name as many movies as you want, but here are five that would make my list, which I'll publish later this week once your suggestions are in:

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION (1984): Longest title for a movie I'd really never want to see again, though I'm told by half the English-speaking world that I'm just missing the campy qualities. It better be campy, because with lines like this -- "Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are" -- it's sure not clever.

ZAPPED (1982): It has Scott Baio, Willie Aames and Scatman Crothers. Need I say more? If memory serves, I think Baio's model of the Starship Enterprise takes flight (strings clearly attached) and attacks his dog. Sad thing is that I know for certain I once owned the soundtrack, including the very romantic (to a 13-year-old anyway) tune Got To Believe in Magic by the velvet-singing David Pomeranz.

IRON EAGLE (1986): Hard to believe Louis Gossett Jr. won an Oscar for Officer and a Gentleman just four years before putting out this stinker. Oh sure, we love it. Mainly for Queen's signature tune One Vision ("Fried chicken!") and for lines like this: "Looks like they'll be importing oil this year, Chappy."

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN (1985): Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt before they were truly famous! But it violates the most important rule of serious movie-making: Never name your movie after a hit song.  (I'm looking at you Patrick Dempsey ... Can't Buy Me Love? Great movie, lousy title.)

THE EXPERTS (1989): Remember when John Travolta made really strange movie choices? Yep, the '80s. But there's something about this tale of two suckers brought to the Soviet Union to open a nightclub that still is appealing. Must be co-star Deborah Foreman!

So what other campy movies of the '80s belong on the list?

Name the greatest bro-mances of the '80s

Don't let the hype fool you. Just because I Love You Man and The Hangover were box office treasure booty, and a new season of HBO's Entourage is premiering tonight, remember this: The bro-mance was perfected many moons ago in a magical land called "Eighties-ville."

It was a time when men were men, women were women, and if the two were mixing, there better be a Spandau Ballet song playing in the background.

So what I want to know is: What are your favorite bro-mances of the '80s? You can pick from movies or TV for this list. Here are some that need consideration:

FERRIS AND CAMERON (Ferris Bueller's Day Off): There would have been no "Day Off" without both Matthew Broderick and Alan Ruck teaming up. Is it the best John Hughes bro-mance or would that be ...

GARY AND WYATT (Weird Science):Not even Kelly LeBrock could separate Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith -- from their jeans or each other.

RAY HUGHES AND DANNY COSTANZO (Running Scared): So good together, nobody really remembers their character names. Just say Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal. And cue up Sweet Freedom by Michael McDonald.

JACK CATES AND REGGIE HAMMOND (48 Hours): Okay, so it was more of a love-hate relationship. But it's just fun to look way back in time to when Eddie Murphy was ... funny.

RIGGS AND MURTAUGH (Lethal Weapon): Given the current state of the careers of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, you know they're rooting for a rekindling of their bro-mance. Big time.

What other bro-mances need to be on the list?

The Big Easy: 'If I can't have you, can I have my gator?'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's The Big Easy, which is appropriate because this is automatically publishing on my blog at the very minute my plane is expected to land in New Orleans. The film stars Dennis Quaid and Ellen Barkin who both, according to IMDB.com, consider this their favorite film.

THE PLOT: A homicide detective (Quaid) has two problems: solving a series of gang killings and fighting off a police corruption investigation led by a lovely attorney from the D.A.'s office (Barkin).

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Jim Garrison, the judge in Quaid's bribery case, is an actual judge in New Orleans and played himself. He was the subject of Oliver Stone's 1991 film JFK (where he was played by Kevin Costner).

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: New Orleans is practically a co-star in the film, with scenes shot in prominent locations such as Tipitina's and Antoine's. Ironically, the film was supposed to be set in Chicago and be called Windy City.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "The Big Easy is one of the richest American films of the year. It also happens to be a great thriller. I say 'happens,' because I believe the plot of this movie is only an excuse for its real strength: the creation of a group of characters so interesting, so complicated and so original they make a lot of other movie people look like paint-by-number characters." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE STILL LOVE IT TODAY: All the food scenes? The fun accents? Sure, those are nice, but the bedroom seduction scene between Quaid and Barkin still boils our crawdaddys some 20 years later.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM THE BIG EASY:

5. "Why don't you just face it, Remy? You're not one of the good guys anymore."

4. "You're a cop for God's sake, you're supposed to uphold the law, but instead you bend it and twist it and sell it."

3. "I never did have much luck with sex anyway." ... "Your luck's about to change, cher. "

2. "New Orleans is a marvelous environment for coincidence."

1. " If I can't have you, can I have my gator?"

Creamed bologna, chili dogs and showering: Birthdays in the '80s

Remember when birthdays used to be really fun? No, not like Sixteen Candles fun. Get serious.

They were like Christmas, I mean. You couldn't sleep the night before because you knew the next day a huge party was coming your way ... and possibly a new BMX bike with it.

At the very least, a huge feast was planned, and you picked the menu. I always leaned toward never-ending chili dogs.

Yep, those were the '80s for you. Good times all around. Never doubt that. It's the one constant in the universe. My universe anyway.

But here's the story of the greatest '80s birthday story of all. It was 1984, and I was spending the summer in Europe between my junior and senior years of high school.

On July 10, 1984, our group of about 12 students was in the small hamlet of Wil, Switzerland. We stayed at a small hostel-like hotel. The owners, knowing it was someone's birthday, laid out a huge spread of food for us. At the big moment, they brought in the main course: Huge steaming bowls of what we all swore looked like creamed bologna.

"Who's the birthday boy?" they asked. Everyone pointed at me. The bowls of shredded, creamy lunchmeat were put in front me. "What an honor," my best friend snickered. Turns out it was actually some type of veal, not bologna, and it was easily one of the best meals of my life.

We followed up dinner with MANY bottles of Lowenbrau Zurich and then I was thrown into the shower fully clothed (which was the birthday tradition on that trip, for some reason) along with a beautiful girl, Stephanie (pictured right here). The night ended with half the group all passed out, mostly undressed, in my bed.

And people wonder why I'm stuck in the '80s.

So today I turn 42. There will be no bicycles, no creamed veal, surely no Lowenbrau Zurich. But because I'm going to spend it in New Orleans, the chance for chili dogs (my beloved Lucky Dogs) is about 100 percent. And the odds that I end the night fully clothed in the shower are better than average. That a hot girl is with me? Very remote.

The point here: Enjoy the great birthdays -- and showers -- of your life when you have them. Because despite what the calendars say, they don't come along every year.

TOP 10 SHOWER SCENES OF THE '80s:

10. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981): Lynn-Holly Johnson explains to James Bond how she builds muscle tone.

9. BULL DURHAM (1988): A whole shower full of lollygaggers.

8. SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): John Hughes wasn't big on nudity in his flicks. And yes, there's a body double (Paula Elser) for Haviland Morris in the shower scene.

7. MORGAN STEWART'S COMING HOME (1987): Jon Cryer and his girlfriend wore horror masks while bathing.

6. DRESSED TO KILL (1980): That's Penthouse model Victoria Lynn, not Angie Dickinson, in the shower. Does it really matter?

5. VACATION (1983): "Could I do your back, honey?" ... "I've already done my back." ... "Could I do your front?"

4. WEIRD SCIENCE (1985): Note to Anthony Michael Hall: When showering with Kelly LeBrock, do not wear jeans.

3. RISKY BUSINESS (1983): "The dream is always the same." Everyone forgets the Tom Cruise movie opens with "Joel Goodsen" and his shower dream. "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." "So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream."

2. PORKY'S (1982): "Do not attempt to apprehend this p---k, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

1. VALLEY GIRL (1983): Narrowly wins the top spot for three reasons. 1) It's not a dream. 2) All parties are nude, and we don't know exactly who the female is until the surprise twist. 3) They end up in bed, where they're eaten by the monster of love.

Brooke Shields is back! Just as we predicted

Just hours after Stuck in the '80s predicted a big career boost for her after Michael Jackson's memorial service, Brooke Shields is making good on our prognostication.

Shields just inked a deal for her first movie in 10 YEARS. Yes, it's been a decade since her last mainstream screen appearance (1999's Black and White.)

Our beloved star of Blue Lagoon and Endless Love will co-star in a Furry Vengeance, The Hollywood Reporter says. The live-action family comedy will also star Brendan Fraser, Dick Van Dyke, Ken Jeong and Samantha Bee, THR says.

Mock if you must all the celebrity posing at Tuesday's memorial service at the Staples Center, but Shields had tears a-flowing during her brief time at the podium. It was the first real human moment of the day -- maybe the only depending on what you make of Paris Jackson's speech at the end -- and it was bound to remind us all of what we've been missing for 10 years.

TOP 5 BROOKE SHIELDS LINES FROM BLUE LAGOON:

5. "I've seen you playing with it, and I'll tell your father ... IF he ever gets here."

4. "When it stops hurting, we'll do it."

3. "It doesn't scare them off unless I can spear them! "

2. "You're the best at everything, Richard! Now get off!"

1. "You're always staring at my buppies."

[Getty Images]

Behold the actual homes from 'Better Off Dead'

Our Stuck in the '80s paparazzi is back on the prowl, this time shooting photos of the houses from 1985's Better Off Dead. Brad Williams, our SoCal correspondent, files this report:

I'm starting to feel a bit like a stalker. Nobody was around at the "Ricky Smith" house (right, at 1633 Virginia Avenue in Glendale, Calif.), but it looked like the owner had just gotten home at the "Lane Meyer" home (above, right across the street at 1636 Virginia Avenue in Glendale).

The interior of the garage is visible in the shot - I don't know if they used the house itself or just the exteriors in Better Off Dead, but if they did, that's where Lane Meyer first attempted to off himself in the movie.

I snapped a couple pictures from the middle of the street and headed back to my car before the owner emerged to question me.

The trees in the front of the house have been added since the film was shot, and a pull-through driveway cuts across where Lane's Camaro sat in an "auto cocoon," but the house is otherwise recognizable. No homemade space shuttles burst from the roof in the brief time I was there.

The "Smith" house looks just as I remember it from the film, with the big trees in the front and the small porch/stoop where Monique sat and laughed at Ricky's picture, although the lawn was a little ragged.

Enjoy!
-- Brad

Finally, a worthy 'Sid and Nancy' tribute

Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen? The two stars of the upcoming movie (500) Days of Summer recreate a classic scene from the 1986 movie Sid & Nancy for a new video series.

It's called Cinemash, and it's brought to us from the clever-minded Mean Magazine. You can see the full clip right here. Next week, Cheech and Chong reportedly recreate the animated movie Tron, according to the always-hip Pop Candy blog.

By the way, my Stuck in the '80s co-host Sean Daly says (500) Days of Summer is really the "Steve Spears Story," if you look at the more tragic recent events in my personal life. See why by watching the movie trailer at his blog.

What '80s movie character are you?

You've seen all the movies, over and over again. Some characters made you cry, others made you laugh. Still others made you tingle all over. (James Spader fans, we're looking at you.) But what I really want to know is:

What movie character is most like you?

Maybe you're misunderstood princess like Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club. Or a mischievous geek like Matthew Broderick in War Games. Don't anybody DARE say you're Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. That character should have his jersey retired for all time.

If Meatballs was an '80s movie -- just barely missed -- I'd say Sean Daly and I were Larry and Spaz. But now I'm going with a more modern Louis and Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds. (I get to be Anthony Edwards. Sorry. But that means Sean gets to go all Darth Vader on "Betty Childs" in the Moon Walk.)

If you want, feel free to pick two characters: the character you are ... and the character you aspire to be. 

WHO I AM: A little obvious here, but I'm sticking with "Gary" (Lawrence Monoson) from Last American Virgin. Unlucky in love. Falling for a girl from the moment he sees her. Losing her to his slimy best friend. Being there to catch her when she's dumped. Falling for her all over again. And crying in his car with James Ingram playing gently in the background when he loses her yet again. Saddest movie character in all the '80s.

WHO I'D RATHER BE: Oh, no doubt. Walter "Gib" Gibson (John Cusack) from The Sure Thing. Confident, funny, great hair and he knows what he wants. And he's a scholar, brilliantly explaining a pizza's ideal sauce-to-cheese ratio for an English paper. And ultimately, he's a guy who is rewarded for doing the right thing -- something that never happens to me in real life anymore -- when he turns down his "sure thing" and goes for Daphne Zuniga. You go, Gib.

Okay, so no lame Facebook application here. You decide on your own: What movie character are you ... and which one do you aspire to be?