Retro-review: "This is my moment"

 

SPECIAL MOTHER'S DAY RETRO-REVIEW: 1983's "Terms of Endearment," starring Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson. Written and directed by James L. Brook (from the novel by Larry McMurtry).

THE PLOT: Emma (Winger) is the rebellious daughter to Aurora (MacLaine), a stuffy, emotionally distant mother who disapproves of her daughter's husband (the always great Jeff Daniels) and life. It takes Emma's illness -- and an affair with her neighbor (Nicholson) -- for her motherly instincts to finally kick in.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: A sequel -- "The Evening Star" -- was released in 1996, with MacLaine and Nicholson returning to play their roles from "Endearment." The movie was a dud both with critics and the box office.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The supporting cast was simply amazing -- even the bit parts played by Danny DeVito and John Lithgow. But Nicholson stole the show as the raunchy, retired astronaut "Garrett Breedlove," a character that didn't even exist in the novel. But believe it or not, he wasn't the first pick for the role. Burt Reynolds, James Garner and Harrison Ford all were in line in front of Nicholson, who won an Oscar for his work.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "This is a wonderful film. There isn't a thing that I would change, and I was exhilarated by the freedom it gives itself to move from the high comedy of Nicholson's best moments to the acting of Debra Winger in the closing scenes." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE STILL LOVE IT TODAY: You could drop this movie into any decade, and it would still make you sob like a baby before the final credits role. That's the magic of director James L. Brooks. But don't discount the chemistry of a handful of actors -- Winger, Lithgow, DeVito and Daniels -- who at that moment in time were just discovering how great they could be.

TOP 5 "MOM" QUOTES FROM TERMS OF ENDEARMENT:

5. "OK, you're allowed to say one mean thing to me a year. That'll do until you're 10."

4. "Grown women are prepared for life's little emergencies."

3. "My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain."

2. "Impatient boys sometimes miss dessert!"

1. "This is my moment."

'There's a lot more to love than hot-wiring'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's "Cherry 2000," a sci-fi action flick starring a young Melanie Griffith and David Andrews ("A Nightmare on Elm Street," "Apollo 13" and "Fight Club"). Directed by Steve De Jarnatt ("Miracle Mile") and written by Michael Almereyda ("Twister").

THE PLOT: in the year 2017, A yuppie (Andrews) breaks his sex robot and must hire a tracker (Griffith) to help him navigate a Mad Max futuristic wasteland in search of a replacement robot -- the elusive "Cherry 2000." (Not to be confused with 1983's "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone," with Molly Ringwald as the tracker.)

THE MUSIC: The original score was written by Basil Poledouris ("Conan the Barbarian," "Hunt for Red October"). Rumor has it that only 1,500 copies were made of the soundtrack, driving up the price for a single copy to $2,500 on eBay.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The movie features bit cameos by Laurence Fishburne and western-movie legend Ben Johnson.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Clad in pastel shirts and checkered pants, the villainous tribe in "Zone 7" -- led by B-movie god Tim Thomerson ("Trancers," "Iron Eagle") -- dances the Hokey Pokey in celebration after executing trespassers.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "Low production values can't dampen the quirky humor and interesting premise of this enjoyable B movie, which re-imagines 'Blade Runner' as a Roger Corman Western."
-- Allmovie.com

WHY WE LOVE IT: Melanie Griffith looks better in this movie than other any of her career. Yeah, including "Body Double" and "Working Girl." And despite the fact that there's almost no nudity -- in a movie called "Cherry 2000"?!? -- it's still sexy B-movie fun.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM CHERRY 2000:

5. "You can just go s--t in your hat."

4. "You get one of these fired up, it's like slamming an octopus."

3. "There's a lot more to love than hot-wiring."

2, "Romance? We are talking about with a robot, right?"

1. "They got that damn plane working ... go get the macaroni and cheese!"

Mrs. Garrett still teaches "Facts of Life"

Actress Charlotte Rae -- aka "Mrs. Garrett" on "The Facts of Life" -- has a cameo appearance in Adam Sandler's upcoming movie, "You Don't Mess with the Zohan."

We all know Sandler loves the 80s and squeezes as much classic music into each of movies as possible. But if don't want to spoil the surprise of Mrs. Garrett's role -- or if you just prefer not to toss your breakfast -- please, read no further ...

Last warning ...

"We make love together," the 82-year-old Rae told AP Television this week. "On a table from one to 10, I rate him, 'Not bad.' "

"Zohan" is set for release on June 6. In it, the AP says, Sandler plays an horn-doggin' Israeli commando who goes undercover as a hair stylist. No word yet on if he's capable of doing the trend-setting "Blair" look.

[AP photo]

John Cusack ... the political activist?

Everyone's vote for Mr. 80s -- John Cusack -- is back on the big screen. But this is a role that could catch a lot of long-time fans off guard.

Angry over the war in Iraq, Cusack helped write and stars in "War, Inc." -- a movie set in fictional Turaqistan, a country occupied by an American company called Tamerlane (yet run by a former American vice president), according to Reuters.

The movie -- set to open in late May in New York and Los Angeles -- is strictly low budget, yet it also co-stars big names such as Ben Kingsley, Marisa Tomei and Hilary Duff. (And, of course, his sister Joan Cusack.)

The movie is meant to be satire, Cusack tells Reuters, and even includes "a chorus line of scantily clad female amputees."

"I think the movie should be kind of offensive," Cusack told Reuters. "Sometimes with a serious, somber movie, even though they're great and well intentioned, it just doesn't allow you to be outraged because you just get depressed. This allows you to actually feel like, 'Let's do something subversive.' "

Click here to view the trailer. And like any movie worth seeing, it has its own official website.

[AP photo/First Look Studios]

25 years of ... Ewoks

"Star Wars: Return of the Jedi" celebrates its 25th anniversary this year, so expect a whole new round of debate on the usual topics:

• Which was better: "Jedi" or "Empire?" (You're getting an atomic noogie if you say "Jedi.")
• Did Han Solo go from stud to wimp in the course of just three movies? (I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a dress by 1983.) And of course...
• Can you admit to loving the Ewoks without being called a total poser (or worse)?

You have to admit: The debut of the Ewoks foretold a stirring prophecy -- that the next three Star Wars movies would be totally juvenile. ("You refer to the prophecy of The Furry One who will bring balance to the Box Office and Toy Sales. You believe it's this Ewok?" Yes, Master Windu! Geesh...)

Still, there are those in the Republic who would defend the Ewoks. Just click here to view "The Star Wars Ewok Gospel."

Pacino's "cockroaches of the '80s"

Al Pacino has made exactly 2,347 movies during his long, distinguished career. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration. But it seems that way. So isn't a little odd that only FIVE of them appear in the '80s? What gives?

Turns out, I know the answer. Pacino -- who turns 68 years old today -- pretty much retreated from films in the 80s after several of the flicks he starred in were commercial and critic disasters. We're talking dreadful, unwatchable stuff like Revolution (1985), Author! Author! (1982) and Cruising (1980).

Instead, he spent the decade on stage, which does me no good for this blog, since I've yet to write a "Top 5 Stage Performances of the '80s" list -- nor am I likely to do so anytime in this lifetime.

So say hello, and happy birthday, to my little friend. A little extra "Scarface" love today.

TOP 5 "TONY MONTANA" LINES FROM SCARFACE:

5. "I always tell the truth. Even when I lie."

4. "I bury those cockroaches!"

3. "All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one."

2. "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women."

1. "Say hello to my little friend!"

The 'Cucumber' turns 50

This just sounds weird, but: Alec Baldwin may be the most bankable actor working today. There's not a movie or TV show I would miss if he is making an appearance in it.

(At this point, I must invoke the rule I like to call "The Pluto Nash Exception." Baldwin shows up in that dog and -- let's face it -- nothing can improve that suck-fest of a flick.)

My personal favorite Baldwin movies of recent years: "The Cooler" with William Macy, "The Departed" with Scorsese and the gang, and even his bit role as a shoe tycoon in my beloved "Elizabethtown." I'm serious about that last one. Great flick, and he has all the good lines -- "I cry a lot." (Me too, Alec. Me too.)

But like all great geniuses, Baldwin -- who turns FIFTY YEARS OLD!!! today -- can look back on the '80s as his salad days.

TOP FIVE ALEC BALDWIN ROLES FROM THE '80s:

5. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (1989): Baldwin as Jimmy Swaggart? Oh lord. Anything to wipe the memory of Dennis Quaid as Jerry Lee Lewis.

4. BEETLE JUICE (1988): "Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore."

3. MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988): Anytime your character's name is 'Cucumber' Frank de Marco, people pay attention. Nicknames count. Just ask my Stuck in the 80s co-host Sean "The Gherkin" Daly.

2. WORKING GIRL (1988): Is "Mick" really the bad guy? He did buy Melanie Griffith a sexy birthday present. And he does have the greatest line: "Wait! This isn't what it looks like."

1. SHE'S HAVING A BABY (1988): Baldwin steals the movie from Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the self-absorbed best friend. And he's a walking quote machine: "Sure, you'll be happy -- you just won't know it."

[AP photo]

Lollygaggers! Ten irritating baseball movie lines

For those of us lucky enough to live in communities in which emotional and economical fates are tied to nine guys dressed in knickers, today marks the start of yet another season of Major League Baseball.

Or here in Tampa Bay -- home of the "No Longer the Devil Rays ... Just the Rays," we just call it "Five Months 'Til Football Season" Day.

To commemorate this festive occasion, Times pop critic Sean Daly, Times sports columnist Tom Jones and I have toiled to record a special "Baseball movies of the '80s" podcast for you on Stuck in the 80s. Click here to download it. Or click here to get all our shows for free delivered via iTunes.

In the meantime, here are 10 sure-fire ways to get your office into the spirit of the game today.

TEN WAYS TO IRRITATE COWORKERS WITH LINES FROM 80s BASEBALL MOVIES:

After being caught heaving in the office bathroom after last night's festivities: "It's okay, honey. I... I was just talking to the cornfield." (Field of Dreams)

When someone offers to go on a Starbucks run: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill. " (Major League)

After schooling someone at the department meeting: "You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club." (Bull Durham)

To the sandwich maker at the company cafeteria: "Pick me out a winner Bobby." (The Natural)

After forcing down the sandwich -- not made by anyone named Bobby for that matter: "You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?" (The Natural)

Anywhere but in the men's room: "The rose goes in the front, big guy." (Bull Durham)

Definitely no where near the men's room: "Big whop now. Big whop, Betsy; you tell me when." (Eight Men Out)

Use this one in there instead: "You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're p-ssing it away." (Bull Durham)

When the coworker from two cubicles over keeps sending you suggestive instant messages: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for." (The Natural)

To the jerk who used to date the coworker two cubicles over: "How's your wife and my kids?" (Major League)

When the boss calls you into the office after hearing those last two comments: "I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this sh-t at least you could've said you were from the Yankees." (Major League)

(Think you know baseball movies? Try this online quiz I wrote last week.)

Bark like a dog! 'Coming to America' turns 20

Anyone wondering why Eddie Murphy's "Coming to America" has been playing non-stop on cable movie channels lately? It's celebrating its 20th anniversary this year!

I'm going out on a limb here by saying this: "Coming to America" might be Eddie Murphy's best film ... period. Sure, you want rationale -- in list form, of course.

10 REASONS WHY 'COMING TO AMERICA' IS EDDIE'S BEST FLICK:

10. HELLO AGAIN AND GOODNIGHT: After two slightly subpar showings (Golden Child, Beverly Hills Cop 2), this movie is almost Eddie's swan song. So far, Eddie's only watchable flick after "Coming to America" is "Boomerang" (1992). It's also the last great flick by director John Landis.

9. MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES: This would be the first time Eddie played more than character, tackling Prince Akeem, Clarence the barber, Saul (the old white guy in the barber shop) and Randy Watson, the singer of the band Sexual Chocolate.

8. A NOD TO HIS HERO: Richard Pryor was a big influence on a young Eddie Murphy. So when it came time to pick a name for his fictional African country, Eddie chose "Zamunda" -- a name Pryor used in an old comedy bit.

7. BEST FAKE PRODUCT EVER: "Just let your Soul-Glo!" I dare say just about anyone who ever saw this movie can still sing along to the TV commercial. "Feeling all so silky smooth!" [Watch it again]

6. THEY CAN BE FUNNY TOO: Still not convinced? What about James Earl Jones playing a comedy role? Or future "E.R." moper Eriq La Salle as the "Soul Glo" heir? Brilliant. And you gotta love the cameo performances by Samuel L. Jackson and Louie Anderson. (And the kid getting his hair cut in the barber shop -- Cuba Gooding Jr.)

5. ARSENIO CAN ACT: Even Arsenio Hall, the Bud Abbott of the '80s, shows some rare acting skills here. Whatever happened to him?

4. THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH HIM: Star Wars freaks out there, did you catch James Earl Jones' "Darth Vader" homage? When King Jaffe Joffer comes looking for Akeem, he tells Mr. McDowell, "Do not alert him to my presence. I'll deal with him myself."

3. THE SEQUEL FACTOR: Our fond memory of two other great Murphy flicks -- "48 Hours" and "Beverly Hills Cop" -- is tainted by the criminally awful sequels they spawned. Thankfully, at the end of "Coming To America," everyone lives happily ever after -- sequel-free.

2. "WE'RE BACK!" One of the funniest scenes: The "Duke Brothers" -- Randy and Mortimer -- from 1983's "Trading Places" are bums on the street until former co-star Murphy hands them a bag of money.

1. THE GREAT LINES OF COURSE: "There is a very fine line between love and nausea" ... "Bark like a dog -- a big dog!" ... "My buns have no seeds" ... "The royal penis is clean, your Highness."

Ease our pain? Not with this movie clip

Click play and grab a box of tissue. It's the infamously sob-inducing ending to 1989's "Field of Dreams."

How long can you make it until your eyes swell up? I never get past the final line from Shoeless Joe -- "No Ray, it was you" -- at the 1:13 mark.

"Wanna have a catch?" ... Baseball in the 80s

Thank the maker that Major League Baseball is about to start. I'm not sure I can handle any more televised basketball or hockey. And I've watched "Top Gun" so many times lately that even my TV remote has lost that lovin' feeling and thinks Maverick is dangerous.

But until that first pitch on opening day goes flying past somebody's noggin, we can derive a little preseason excitement from the baseball movies of the '80s, which not coincidentally is the subject of next week's podcast.

Times pop music critic Sean Daly and sports columnist Tom Jones will join the show to decide once and for all: Which was the best baseball movie of the 80s?

Which one would you pick? Here are some pros and cons:

THE NATURAL (1984)
Balls: Beautifully scored, featuring sublime performances by Robert Redford, Darren McGavin, Kim Bassinger, Wilford Brimley ("Don't you know I hate losin' to the Pirates?!?").
Strikes: Seeing Redford play an 18-year-old version of himself is creepy. And other story lines seem a bit hooky at times.
Favorite quote: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for."

BULL DURHAM (1988)
Balls: Considered the most realistic movie made about the minor leagues (how many others can you name?); perhaps Kevin Costner's single-best film performance.
Strikes: Watching Tim Robbins pretend to be pitcher is painful; and listening to the never-ending, thick North Carolina accents is like taking a Nolan Ryan fastball to the forehead. (Note to Hollywood: I'd prefer the fastball next time. It'd ease my pain.)
Favorite quote: "The rose goes in the front, big guy."

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)
Balls: Possibly the most quotable baseball movie of all time and featuring the best speech about baseball every conceived -- delivered by the always brilliant James Earl Jones ("It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.")
Strikes: Is it really a baseball movie? Or just an excuse to see if every male you know cries like a baby at the ending? (Just say, "Dad ... wanna have a catch?" and here come the waterworks.)
Favorite quote: "Hey rookie! You were good."

EIGHT MEN OUT (1988)
Balls: Great ensemble cast featuring John Cusack as the tortured Bucky Weaver.
Strikes: Difficult storyline to follow unless you're already familiar with the 1919 World Series. Christopher Lloyd channels "Rev. Jim" from "Taxi" for his turn as "Bill Burns."
Favorite quote: "Those guys are all gone now."

MAJOR LEAGUE (1989)
Balls: Easily the funniest of the group, thanks to Bob Uecker ("Just a bit outside"), James Gammon as manager "Lou Brown" and "Wild Thing" Charlie Sheen.
Strikes: The Cleveland Indians as winners? Only in Hollywood.
Favorite quote: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

So what's your pick? We'll read the best comments during the podcast.

"I love it when a plan comes together!"

Another '80s TV show is set for reincarnation as a big-screen project: "The A-Team" is planning a June 12, 2009 release with director John Singleton ("Boyz n the Hood", "Higher Learning") at the helm.

E! Online reports that the movie's plot will mirror that of the TV show, which ran from 1983-87: A close-knit band of four ex-soldiers, falsely convicted of a war crime, now for hire to solve your personal problems -- complete with chases, explosions and plenty of catchy dialog.

Nobody has been cast in the movie yet, though Woody Harrelson has been mentioned for the role of "Howling Mad" Murdoch, and Ice Cube has publicly said he wants the part of B.A. Baracus -- made famous by Mr. T.

"I wouldn't try to duplicate what Mr. T did, but I will have the same impact on you when you were little watching the TV show," Ice Cube tells Blackfilm.com. "I'm going to bring my own flavor to it and I am going to do the mohawk."

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM THE A-TEAM:

5. "Shut up, fool!"

4. "You've been found sane?"

3. "I'm a bird! I'm a plane! I'm a choo-choo train! Touchdown!"

2. "I pity the fool who goes out tryin' a' take over da world, then runs home cryin' to his momma!"

1. "I love it when a plan comes together!"

"Kirk, you're still alive, my old friend"

What to hear something that will make you feel old and tired, as if the world were ending tomorrow (the opposite of the "Genesis Effect" for you Trekkies out there): William Shatner turns 77 years old today.

It's at this point that I usually make my case that today's birthday honoree enjoyed his finest days in the 80s. And I'll do that momentarily. But if you haven't seen Shatner's performance in 1998's "Free Enterprise," where he plays a (hopefully) comic version of himself, you're letting the best of life pass you by.

Still, between TV's "T.J. Hooker" and the Star Trek movies of the 80s, it's a wonder we don't call that the "Shatner Decade."

OK, that's pushing it. Still, what red-blooded (or green-blooded) life-form doesn't weep uncontrollably as Kirk breaks down during Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? That's where we all learn that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few ... or the one.

Leave it to Shatner to prove him wrong in Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW, YOU CAN LEARN FROM CAPT. KIRK:

• "Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young."
• "The Klingons don't take prisoners."
• "We learn by doing."
• "The needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many."
• "Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word."
• "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves."
• "I've always known I'll die alone."

A six-pack for St. Patty's Day

On this lovely St. Patrick's Day, the official holiday of the 80s, allow me to make a toast:

May your big-screen TV never break down on TBS's Big 80s Weekend, especially during "Red Dawn." May your old VHS player never eat the only copy of "Compromising Positions" left in the world. May you never be ashamed to do the "Thriller" dance alone at the office Christmas party. And more importantly, may your 80s heroes never grow old.

Lastly, may you never forget to raise your glass when one of these movies comes on.

A SIX-PACK OF THE GREATEST DRINKING MOVIES OF THE 80s:

6. ABOUT LAST NIGHT: (1986) Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Jim Belushi. What they're drinking: Beer, straight from the keg. "Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?"

5. MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982): Peter O'Toole, Mark Linn-Baker. What they're drinking: Anything you can put in a flask. "Ladies are unwell ... Gentlemen vomit."

4. COCKTAIL (1988): Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown. What they're drinking: Red Eye, beer, frothy rum drinks. "Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone!"

3. STRANGE BREW (1983): Dave Thomas, Rick Moranis. What they're drinking: A "two-four" of Elsinore Beer. "This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?"

2. ARTHUR (1981): Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli. What they're drinking: Martinis, scotch. "I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up? "

1. BARFLY (1987): Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway. What they're drinking: Everything. "Listen, I drink. And when I drink, I move in the wrong direction... "

Outside the 80s: Beer Fest, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Leaving Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Animal House, Old School, Bad Santa, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, Casablanca, The Legend of Drunken Master, Baseketball.

Top Gun tunes: a target-rich environment

There's some enduring quality to Top Gun. I just can't leave it alone on the blog.

Maybe it's because it's on TV about 30 times a day (seriously -- I watched it start to finish twice yesterday). Maybe it's the great quotable lines. It could even be the "not that there's anything wrong with that" volleyball scene. (Well, no, it can't be that.)

Or maybe it's just got a killer soundtrack that keeps us hooked throughout the entire film.

But what are the best and worst tunes of Top Gun? Here's my ranking of them -- from best to worst -- in playable format:

That's right ... Iceman ... I am dangerous

"Top Gun" is on TV these days more than the year it first buzzed the tower at theaters. I consider this movie a "target-rich environment" for quoting at nonsensical times during my workday.

My coworkers, on the other hand, are ready to go "Cougar" on me and turn in their wings. (Which is fine, because that gives me my dream shot -- Miramar!) I'll pulled no less than a "4-g negative dive" today at the office, bringing up memorable lines more lines than Iceman waxes that flattop of his. (God bless, Val Kilmer.)

I know what you're thinking: How can I irritate my friends and coworkers in similar fashion? I'm here to help.

TOP 10 TOP GUN LINES TO RECITE TO ANNOY COWORKERS:

10. Swilling down Starbucks on the way in from the parking lot: "I feel the need ... the need for speed." (Or, if you're already caffeinated enough, "Time to kick the tires and light the fires!")

9. When coming in the office door: "Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees."

8. When your boss asks you to do something: "That's a negative, Ghost rider, the pattern is full."

7. When seeing your friend in the restroom: "Hey Goose, you big stud!" (Or, if you're feeling daring, "Great balls of fire!")

6. After that three-martini lunch to nobody in particular: "I flew with your old man. VF-51, the Oriskany. You're a lot like he was. Only better... and worse."

5. When passing off an assignment to a subordinate: "If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogs--t out of Hong Kong!"

4. On spotting targets at Happy Hour after work: "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns."

3. What to tell your wingman at Happy Hour after switching to guns: "Do not fire until fired upon."

2. What you tell yourself when your ATM won't cough up more cash: "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."

1. And whenever you get the chance: "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

Sneak peak at Lost Boys 2: The Tribe

I'm left speechless by the newly released trailer for Lost Boys 2: The Tribe. Looks like a sequel to our beloved '80s classic -- if done by the WB Network.

And what's with the vampires wearing the Cobra Kai skeleton outfits? A tribute to The Karate Kid or something?

Corey Feldman returns as one of the vamp-fighting Frog bothers, and from what little we see of him in the trailer, it looks like he's there for PR purposes only.

"I went to every length possible to make sure that I was emulating the appearance and the feel and the character as closely as possible to the first film," Feldman told MTV.com in an interview. "This guy hasn't changed in 20 years. He looks exactly like we remember him looking, other than he's got some neck tattoos, but that's the only physical difference."

But even MTV wondered aloud if this sequel was worthy of the big screen or doomed to spend eternity on a shelf at Blockbuster. Feldman was of little help. "No one seems to have that answer," he conceded.

Sometimes it's better to leave sleeping vampires to slumber on.

Indiana Jones and the Land of Endless Publicity

The poster for the new Indiana Jones movie has been released by Paramount Pictures/LucasFilm. Just in time, I presume, to remind us to start budgeting $125 for tickets, popcorn and the two-disc special edition DVD just in time for the holidays.

And is it just me or the "crystal skull" in the poster look like a sleestak from "Land of the Lost"?

If Indiana Jones can also find Marshall, Will and Holly, then maybe I'll go see this movie after all.

A surprise legend of the '80s

Ready for this proclamation? Aidan Quinn, who turns 49 this weekend, was a consistently better actor in the '80s than Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Kevin Costner -- just about anybody.

Starting with Daryl Hannah in 1984's Reckless and then vastly improving movies like Desperately Seeking Susan, Quinn appeared in just five big-time movies in the 80s -- Crusoe, The Mission and Stakeout were the others -- with three more for TV. And unlike Cruise, who still gets zinged for "Legend" and "Losin' It," Quinn's work was excellent.

He's probably better known today for his '90s work, when he starred in 18 films including The Handmaid's Tale, Avalon, Legends of the Fall ("I followed all of the rules, man's and God's. And you, you followed none of them. And they all loved you more.") and the vastly underappreciated The Assignment.

What makes him so watchable? His ability to play the good guy and bad guy with equal skill (sometimes in the same movie -- again, see "The Assignment.")

TOP 5 AIDAN QUINN MOVIES -- ALL TIME:

5. AVALON (1990): "He wets the bed. My dad wets the bed."

4. STAKEOUT (1987): "Isn't love great, Chris? One minute you're a god, the next minute you're a scum-suckin' pig."

3. LEGENDS OF THE FALL (1994): "You have won her. I am bringing her home."

2. RECKLESS (1984): "Well, I'm pretty f---in' upset and it's definitely your fault."

1. THE ASSIGNMENT (1997): "I've made you and the children a target because someone out there is going to kill you unless I kill him first. That's my job. And if you don't mind, I'm late for work."

The masquerade's forever

We just finished putting the finishing touches for our next Stuck in the 80s podcast: Great songs from bad movies. And you can't discuss that topic without including Berlin's "Masquerade" from the movie "Perfect."

Was "Perfect" a truly hideous movie? It wasn't the best work by John Travolta -- not his worst either (see "Two of a Kind.") As for co-star Jamie Lee Curtis -- not bad. But it's no "A Fish Called Wanda" either.

I put "Perfect" squarely in the "Golden Child" camp of '80s movies -- still entertaining to watch 20 years later, but certainly a campy, guilty pleasure at best.

FIVE MEMORABLE LINES FROM PERFECT:

5. "Somebody's editing with their elbows!"

4. "Always treat a famous person as if they're not. And a person who's not as if they were."

3. "She's the most used piece of equipment in the gym."

2. "It's a lot more fun looking for Mr. Goodbody than Mr. Goodbar."

1. "I guess I'll go see if I can scare up a gang-bang."

Modern-day 'Breakfast Club' gets thumbs-up

A script for a new movie called "Bumped" is being billed as "The Breakfast Club" of today's generation.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the story revolves around five "twenty-somethings" -- from different cliques, of course -- who find themselves thrown together when they're bumped from an airline flight out of Chicago.

(Nice touch keeping the Chi-town angle in there. Somewhere, John Hughes is smiling -- and scratching off Lotto tickets.)

Just like our beloved "Breakfast Club," the strangers eventually find common ground and befriend each other during the long layover. The diverse characters including a musician, a flirt and a corporate go-getter.

No actors have signed onto the project yet, but Bridget Johnson and Anna Mastro are on board to produce and direct, according to the Reporter.

FIVE FORGOTTEN LINES FROM THE BREAKFAST CLUB:

5. "Were you truly disgusted with what I did with my lipstick?"

4. "Screws fall out all the time, the world is an imperfect place."

3. "Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language."

2. "I don't screw to get respect. That's the difference between you and me."

1. "We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."

Live Chat: 'Here's to successful fertilization'

Are you ready to laugh, cry and swear off the opposite sex? You better be, because our latest podcast is now ready for an unofficial debut.

The subject: the great 1988 John Hughes semi-autobiographical flick "She's Having A Baby."

Click here to download it. It's not on iTunes yet, so you'll have to use the this link.

Among the topics that are discussed:

• Is this John Hughes' best flick of the 80s? Or possibly just his most under-rated one?
• OK, so maybe it's not his best flick. But is this the best soundtrack?
• Which co-star steals all the best lines -- Alec Baldwin, John Ashton, maybe even the great Dennis Dugan as Kevin Bacon's  disgruntled mentor at the ad firm?

As always, I'm here and free to chat as you listen to the show. Gotta love Saturday chats. Hit me with whatever topic you like. Meanwhile, the obligatory list.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM SHE'S HAVING A BABY:

5. "College is like high school with ashtrays."

4. "He's plenty old and people don't mature anymore. They stay jackasses all their lives."

3. "You're quite the barbecue chef, Jake."

2. "How do you feel about alcoholics?" ...  "Um, I like alcoholics?"

1. "You BURNED the dog!"

Here are your favorite movie nerds

It wouldn't have been the 80s without this word: nerd. It's as much a part of the decade as Vans, sushi, Duran Duran and Aqua-Net.

Last month, Stuck in the 80s asked our readers to name their favorite movie nerds of the 80s. And with true nerd-like passion, you came through with a ton of forgotten names. Click here to read all the suggestions.

Our only guidelines: These actors must have done their nerdy work in the 80s. And we weighed the nerd work against their non-nerd work. So without further delay.

TOP 20 MOVIE NERDS OF THE 80s:

20. ILAN MITCHELL-SMITH: Shortest nerd career in history. After playing "Wyatt Donnelly" in "Weird Science, Mitchell-Smith is now a professor of English at Angelo State University.

19. TIMOTHY BUSFIELD: Yes, that's Busfield as "Arnold Poindexter" in "Revenge of the Nerds." Bonus points for being whiney yuppie in "thirtysomething."

18. SARAH JESSICA PARKER: "Rusty" in "Footloose" got her nerd start on TV's Square Pegs.

17. CRISPIN GLOVER: Hello? Hello? "George McFly" in "Back to the Future."

16. PATRICK DEMPSEY: Long before he was "McMuffin" or whatever the hell women call him now, he was "Ronald Miller" in "Can't Buy Me Love."

15. GABE JARRET: Don't even tell me he was acting when he played "Mitch" in "Real Genius." 

14. JOHN CUSACK: "Bryce" in "Sixteen Candles" but also nerd-like roles in "Better Off Dead," "Hot Pursuit" and "One Crazy Summer."

13. JOAN CUSACK: Her character in "Sixteen Candles" is known simply as "Geek Girl #1."

12. MARTIN SHORT: If there was a nerdy amigo among the "Three Amigos," it was Short, who also geeked out for "Inner Space."

11. JOHN CRYER: Debate all you want if Duckie was a nerd in "Pretty in Pink." But then consider "Morgan Stewart's Coming Home" and "Hiding Out."

10. ANDREW McCARTHY: He's a "sensitive turd" in "Class." And he's stuck wearing a wig in the final, re-shot scene of "Pretty in Pink." And don't get me started again about "Mannequin."

9. BRIAN BACKER: "Rat" in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." (Loved the Popeye t-shirt.)

8. HAROLD RAMIS: Big-time geek roles in "Ghostbusters," "Stripes," "Baby Boom" and "Stealing Home."

7. COREY HAIM: Everybody in "Lucas" deserves an honorable mention on this list.

6. GEDDE WATANABE: Long Duk Dong. Need I say more? OK, "Volunteers" and "Gung Ho."

5. ROBERT CARRADINE: Possibly one of the single-greatest nerd performances of all time as "Louis Skolnick" in "Revenge of the Nerds." But also his only nerd role. And it's watered down by his tough-guy turn in "Big Red One."

4. ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL: Farmer Ted still ends up with the hot girl in "Sixteen Candles" and "Weird Science." But in "The Breakfast Club," he's the only one who doesn't hook up (and gets stuck writing the paper.)

3. PEE WEE HERMAN: He turned nerd-dom into a franchise.

2. RICK MORANIS: Three nearly impossible-to-equal nerd movies: "Ghostbusters," "Little Shop of Horrors" and "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids." Only his role in "Streets of Fire" keeps him out of the No. 1 spot.

1. CURTIS ARMSTRONG: "Booger" in "Revenge of the Nerds" was even better teamed with John Cusack in "Better Off Dead." And don't forget his turn as "Miles" in "Risky Business."

Armstrong has nearly a unanimous choice for this "honor." One reader said: "The last I saw him, he played a DJ on 'That '70s Show' who played Dungeons and Dragons ... I guess old stereotypes die hard!"

Which nerds did we forget?

In the 80s, the Oscars went to ...

Hey gang -- The latest episode of the Stuck in the 80s podcast is officially online. Click here to listen. Or click here to download all our shows for free via iTunes.

This week's topic: The Oscars in the 80s. And what more appropriate time to cover this topic -- this year marks the 80th edition of the Academy Awards.

This week's guest co-host is Steve Persall, the Times film critic and smarter than Sean Daly and I put together. (Click here to read his "Reeling in the Years" blog).

We'll go over the winners for Best Picture for each year of the 80s -- and honor the flicks we think were unfairly passed over.

TOP 5 MOST UNDER-RATED OSCAR WINNERS OF THE 80s:

5. THE LAST EMPEROR (1987): I'll watch any movie with Peter O'Toole -- even if he's just the gaffer. Also holds the distinction of being the first big film shot in the Forbidden City in Communist China.

4. PLATOON (1986): Second to "Wall Street" as Oliver Stone's best movie, maybe? Anybody? I skipped a fraternity party to see this movie. Talk about a depressing evening.

3. GANDHI (1982): Horrifically long, but for those of us with no lives, that's not a problem. Ben Kingsley deserves 10 Oscars for his transformation of Gandhi throughout his life.

2. AMADEUS (1983): F. Murray Abraham wins an Oscar, though Tom Hulce and Jeffrey Jones had their best career roles as well.

1. CHARIOTS OF FIRE (1981): Epic performances by Ben Cross, Ian Holm and Ian Charleson as British Olympians at the 1924 Summer Games in Paris. Ignore the dated, electronica theme song and just enjoy a great -- and true -- story of heroism and determination.

We meet again, Doctor Jones

The trailer for the fourth Indiana Jones movie is finally out. Let me save you some time: It looks awful.

You may get a small chill at first when they recount his exploits of the first three flicks (except that criminally awful "Temple of Doom" fiasco.) But when it cuts to scenes from the new flick, prepare to sit there stone-faced -- as if your accountant was explaining estimated quarterly taxes.

It's all explosions, stunt driving and special effects. Hint of a story? No. A few choice zingers from Harrison Ford? Nope. Maybe a sexy shot of villain Cate Blanchett? Sorry. (Basically exactly the same sort of trailer-trash we got from the last 3 Star Wars movies.)

Click here to view it yourself. Or just check out today's top 5 list instead.

TOP 5 PROPOSED NAMES FOR A FIFTH INDIANA JONES MOVIE:

5. "Indiana Jones Meets The Ghost of Harrison Ford's Career"

4. "Indiana Jones and the Search for the Missing Writer's Guild Members"

3. "Indiana Jones: Mein Kampf" (German release only)

2. "Indiana Jones and the Wedding of Karen Allen to an 80s Blogger"

1. "Indiana Jane and the Mysterious Sex-Change Operation"

[AP photo]

Worst sports movies of the 80s

Why can't Hollywood get it right when it comes to sports movies?

Sure, the 80s had some classics (Bull Durham, The Natural), but it had some unforgivable nightmares as well. So as the glow of another football season begins to fade and we're left to contemplate the black hole of lesser sports until next fall, it's time to pick...

TOP 10 WORST SPORTS MOVIES OF THE 80s:

10. RAD (1986): It couldn't be the 80s without a BMX movie. Talia Shire probably wishes IMDB.com didn't exist for this single reason.

9. GLEAMING THE CUBE (1989): A skateboarding movie! With Christian Slater! And that dude from Scarface! (And to think we're only at No. 9!)

8. THE SLUGGER'S WIFE (1985): Rebecca De Mornay is truly awful (as a singer and actress) in this flick. Michael O'Keefe looks as much like an Atlanta Brave as I look like a porn star. (Well, maybe Ron Jeremy.)

7. JOHNNY BE GOOD (1988): Paul Gleason is great. Anthony Michael Hall and Uma Thurman are unbearable. And Robert Downey Jr. is, as usual, psychotic.

6. OVER THE TOP (1987): Please don't make me say arm wrestling is a real sport. But I think this Stallone pic washes away the goodness of at least one Rocky edition.

5. JOCKS (1987): Anyone remember this Perry Lang/Richard Roundtree star vehicle about a college tennis team? (Put your hands down, please.)

4. CADDYSHACK 2 (1988): Great theme song by Kenny Loggins ("Nobody's Fool") and then ... poof. By the end, you want to kill Jackie Mason and Dan Aykroyd -- not the gopher.

3. SIX PACK (1982): What's harder to conceive: Kenny Rogers as a race-car driver or Buck Roger's Erin Gray as his adoring fan? (Of course, both are trumped by the acting debut of Anthony Michael Hall.)

2. STROKER ACE (1983): I can only image that Hollywood was so happy with the box office return of "Six Pack" that they green-lit this NASCAR disaster, starring Burt Reynolds, Loni Anderson and ... wait for it ... Jim Nabors! (Not to mention the superb skills of Parker Stevenson.)

1. AMERICAN ANTHEM (1986): Mitch Gaylord and Janet Jones star in a completely unwatchable movie that basically takes the story line of "Purple Rain" and applies it to gymnastics. What else can you say about a movie whose best review comes from a website called Hollywood Bitchslap.

Which movies did I forget?

Are you a slave to love?

I'm not sure which is hotter: The original Bryan Ferry video (above) for "Slave to Love" or this video from "9 1/2 Weeks," which I dare not embed on the blog. ("John ... aren't you gonna ask how I like this?" .... "No.")

Stuck in the 80s is doing a podcast -- just in time for Valentine's Day -- on romance in the 80s. But I'm going to make a ruling that "9 1/2 Weeks" won't make the cut. It's sexy as all get-out. But it's equally creepy at times. And the only time romance and creepiness should mix is when co-host Sean Daly does his patented "hover move." (Not to be confused with the copyrighted "Hoover" move, which he does around Funyuns.)

But don't be surprised if Ferry's epic song makes the show. Because if you had to make the ultimate mix tape of love and/or sex songs from the 80s, that's on the top 5 of my list.

'Do I have to talk dirty to you?'

Stuck in the 80s co-host Sean Daly is a proud, new father today -- which makes me feel a little like Uncle Buck.

Truth be told, I hated "Uncle Buck" when I saw it in the theaters back in 1989. I was a graduating senior in college, and I'd just been turned down for a job for quite possibly the 50th time in two weeks. So the idea of the always-happy ending of a John Hughes movie wasn't what I needed. (Though certainly I could empathize with the jobless John Candy.)

Of course, nowadays I recognize it as perhaps the last great flick from the master filmmaker himself. And actually, I look forward to the day I can babysit Daly's older daughter, smoke cigars in his house and threaten the lives of her boyfriends. Ah, good times.

So take time out to read the official announcement of Sean's still-unnamed offspring, and enjoy today's top 5 list.

TOP FIVE MEMORABLE LINES FROM UNCLE BUCK:

5. "Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh."

4. "Marcie Dahlgren-Frost. Dahlgren is my maiden name, Frost is my married name. I'm single again, but I never bothered to remove the Frost. And I get compliments on the hyphen."

3. "How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep?"

2. "Hey, Mom. Next time you take off in the middle of the night, why don't you hire a murderer to watch the house?"

1. "Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that!"

Even Freddy would knife this idea

The horror ... the horror: "Nightmare On Elm Street" is about to be reincarnated.

According to Variety.com, Platinum Dunes is working with New Line to reimagine the 1984 film by Wes Craven, which led to eight sequels and two TV movies. And they say creativity is dead in Hollywood.

Never heard of the Platinum Dunes production company? You probably will soon. They're also working on remakes of "Friday the 13th" and "The Birds" -- two other classics that deserve to be left alone.

Will actor Robert Englund return as the evil Freddy Krueger, the boiler room-friendly janitor who killed teenagers (including a young Johnny Depp) in their sleep? Doubful. Englund would be 60 by the time filming starts. At least he wouldn't need much in terms of makeup.