5 winners, 5 losers from Jackson's memorial

Corey Feldman is seriously reconsidering his life's direction today after his M.J. impersonation at Tuesday's public memorial for Michael Jackson. But he's not the only celebrity who busted -- or even benefited -- from the ultra-hot world spotlight that afternoon.

TOP 5 BOUNCES:

1. JERMAINE JACKSON: The only Jackson brother to perform, he dazzled the crowd with his rendition of Smile, holding himself together perfectly until the final verse. Look for his hibernating solo career to get some fresh looks in the aftermath.

2. BROOKE SHIELDS: Ever since Tom Cruise attacked her for using prescription drugs to battle postpartum depression, Shields has seen a steady increase of public support. You bet folks were grabbing tissue as she struggled to hold her composure while speaking of her longtime friendship with Michael.

3. JENNIFER HUDSON: Forget the hokeyness of hearing Jackson’s spoken lyrics at the end of Hudson’s anthemic rendition of Will You Be There. After the 2008 murders of her mother and brother, the American Idol angel and Oscar winner -- baby bump showing -- is having a much better 2009.

4. LIONEL RICHIE: Just two days off an unexpected reunion with his Commodores bandmates in New Orleans, Richie took the stage in L.A. and delivered a classic, gospel take on his old hit Jesus Is Love.

5. SHAHEEN JAFARGHOLI/JUDITH HILL: Two names you probably hadn’t heard before, but you will now. Jarafgholi, 12, was a contestant on Britain’s Got Talent earlier this year. He won a standing ovation Tuesday for his take on Who’s Lovin You? (And he got his picture taken with Lionel Richie, above.) Hill was the “mystery singer” who led performers during We Are the World and Heal the World. The Pasadena, Calif., vocalist was to be a backup singer for Jackson’s shows this summer, according to Rolling Stone.

TOP 5 BUSTS:

1. MARIAH CAREY: It’s not that her duet of I’ll Be There with Trey Lorenz wasn’t perfect — it wasn’t and that’s something she admitted Wednesday on Twitter. But we bet there’s no apology coming for her neckline-plunging gown that wasn’t exactly funeral friendly. Mariah, it’s a memorial; not a music video.

2. DIANA ROSS: The person who has always been credited (deserved or not) for “discovering Michael” should have been there in the front row. “I have decided to pause and be silent,” Ross said in a statement. “This feels right for me.” It feels wrong to us.

3. QUINCY JONES: The producer behind Off the Wall and Thriller also skipped the memorial. “I won’t go to any more funerals as long as I live,” Jones said after Jackson’s death. Okay, Mr. Jones. Let’s hope your friends feel differently.

4. USHER: The neo-soul singer’s performance of Gone Too Soon took a turn for the worse when he started singing directly to Jackson’s casket. And the pause at the end to stifle a sob, followed by a group hug with the Jackson family? Even Hollywood wouldn’t buy that scripted ending.

5. COREY FELDMAN: The '80s teen star/reality show reject just tried TOO hard to fit in, wearing a full-on M.J. wardrobe including fedora, dark shades and military-style jacket. We bet he had to get his ticket through the lottery.

[AP, Getty photos]

A 'Thriller' parody CD cover? Bad karma, DJ Cobra

Designing a CD cover that mimics the legendary Thriller album by Michael Jackson probably seemed like a good idea. Until June 25, 2009.

But that's what "DJ Cobra" did with his new album, iller. (Ouch, even the name sorta hurts.)

According to his publicist, the album cover was developed back in May and was intended as a tribute to Jackson. It was released just days before MJ's death.

Cobra (a.k.a. Andrew Bragg) is one of those touring celebrity disc jockeys who play the club circuit. He reportedly has "opened" (you know current music sucks eggs when you have a DJ open for you) for acts like Puff Daddy, Nelly, Lucacris and Lady Gaga. And yes, that's the first and last time you'll see those names listed on Stuck in the '80s.

The album itself is billed as "a continuous blend of songs from ... the Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin paired along with notable recent performers like Coldplay, Lil Wayne, Santogold and others."

In other words, I'm not taking it out of the wrapper. As MJ would say, just tell Cobra that it's human nature.

'T.J. Hooker' remake coming to the big screen

Latest sad news: '80s television cop show template T.J. Hooker is now officially set for a big-screen Hollywood remake. To answer the very first question you're thinking: No, we don't yet know if William Shatner, Adrian Zmed or Heather Locklear will star or even make appearances in it.

No casting decisions have been made, says Variety.com, but series creator Rick Husky will be one of the movie's producers. Chuck Russell (The Scorpion King, The Mask) is the first choice for director.

According to Variety, the movie will focus on the relationship between Hooker and his father. No, that doesn't sound boring at all!

Here's another mixed omen: Co-producing with Husky are David Foster and Ryan Heppe, who are also handling the remake of Short Circuit. (Because WALL-E wasn't enough of a ripoff? Or maybe they're just big Steve Guttenberg fans. Who isn't?)

BY THE WAY ... If you are a Shatner fan and love Sci-Fi flicks, you need to see the 1998 movie Free Enterprise, in which Shatner plays himself. No, it's not an '80s film, but I think you'll love it anyway. Plus, it gives me a chance to salvage a top 5 list out of this blog item.

TOP 5 SHATNER LINES FROM FREE ENTERPRISE:

5. "My boy, that was a TV show. I used a stunt double. I always use a stunt double. Except in love scenes. I insist on doing those myself."

4. "You know. I have an idea for a movie. It's a musical based on Julius Caesar. I'd play all the parts. Except for Calpurnia. I was thinking Sharon Stone for that."

3. "Logic is the other guy's schtick."

2. "Guys, you gotta mix a little reality in with your imagination to achieve happiness in your life. And you've gotta overcome your programming - which in your case is a 30-year-old television show."

1. "I'm one of the top 10 imaginary friends kids have. Just behind John Travolta, Reggie Jackson, and Farrah Fawcett-Majors."

Bret Michaels shows boo-boo and sense of humor, but his publicist is still sore

Bret Michaels is thankful for "a thick skull" in the aftermath of his injuries at Sunday's Tony Awards show in New York. The Poison frontman has released a statement on his website sharing his recollection of the night.

"My nose, mouth and the back of my head felt numb. I vaguely remember asking Big John, 'Do I have any teeth left in my mouth?' I knew I could move my arms and legs and that was an instant relief."

The singer was flattened by a backdrop on the televised show after performing with the cast of of the Broadway musical Rock of Ages. Watch the video again.

Michaels reportedly suffered a fractured nose and was forced to cancel a show this week in Myrtle Beach, S.C.

His official website has released photos of his injuries along with a pretty direct statement from his representative taking aim at Tony organizers:

"With all due respect to everyone working the Tony awards somewhere down the line there was a lack of communication and the prop should have been immediately halted until Michaels was clear. ... I find it surprising that a Tony spokesperson would brush off this incident with a comment stating 'Mr. Michaels missed his mark' with no mention of concern for his condition. I feel had this incident happened to Liza Minnelli, Dolly Parton or Elton John the Tonys would have at least issued a letter of concern."

The statement goes on and on. You can read here online. And while it never mentions "lawsuit," don'tt be surprised if this thing ends up with money changing hands and signatures being notarized.

Meanwhile, on Friday, Michaels himself posted a statement on his website that takes some -- but not all -- of the bitterness out of the situation:

"Over the last few days a lot of speculation as to what happened and who is to blame have surfaced. I need to make clear at no point since the incident occurred do I feel like the accident was malicious in any way and I feel this will all work itself out. However I must state I found it a little strange that the only statement released by the Tony organization was that I missed my mark and that I was completely fine."

He signs off with, "I thank the Good Lord I have a thick skull and I have a feeling this may have been my first and final curtain call at the Tonys. -- Broadway Bret Michaels"

Is it just me or does this seem like too much explanation for what happened? We haven't heard the last of it, I'm sure.

Valley Girl, Poltergeist, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels all returning as musicals?!?

Shocking news from Hollywood: MGM has a strategy to remake and repackage many of our favorite '80s classic films in order to reach new audiences.

Among the projects in the works: Valley Girl, Poltergeist, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Red Dawn, RoboCop and Fame. (Never mind the new Footloose, which is a Paramount production.)

Even worse: Some of these remakes will be in the form of musicals, Valley Girl in particular (as we mentioned on Stuck in the '80s a while back.)

"The '80s archeology is part of MGM's strategy to repackage classic catalog titles for new audiences in novel ways," the Hollywood Reporter writes. "The first product of this effort, Fame, dances into theaters Sept. 25."

Fame was a musical to start with, so no quibbles there. And while it's not official that Poltergeist or Dirty Rotten Scoundrels will get the same treatment, there's an obvious pattern in place here. And Valley Girl? Oh, gag me. Worship the movie, save the singing.

Director Jason Moore (Shrek: The Musical) has signed on for Valley Girl. In all fairness, Shrek: The Musical is up for eight Tony Awards on Sunday and has already won the 2009 Drama Desk Award for outstanding musical, according to THR.

"Valley Girl has been recast as a Romeo and Juliet-inspired musical built around the movie's new wave soundtrack," writes THR. Hello? The original movie was basically Romeo and Juliet already. I just can't imagine Randy and Julie breaking into a power ballad called It's Just You're F---ing Friends! or Tommy belting out the rocker No Other Val Dude Can Touch Me ... but I've been wrong before.

SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS ... Which '80s movies would you remake as musicals? Or, which '80s musicals would you remake as non-musicals? ("None" is not an acceptable answer. You gotta name at least one movie.)

Let's hear it for the (unknown) boy: Chace Crawford steps into 'Footloose' lead

Gossip Girl's Chace Crawford is the newest contestant on "Let's Star in the Musical Remake of Footloose." Somewhere, down in hopefully fictional Bomont, Texas, Ren McCormack just broke into a deep, cold sweat.

Crawford takes over the role of Ren from Zac Efron, who pulled out earlier this spring after deciding he was tired of being typecast as a high school student. (What's next then? Starring in the remake of a Traci Lords film?)

Of course, Crawford is best known to '80s fans for ... absolutely nothing. Wait, I take that back. He was born in 1985. So it's totally possible he was conceived as a result of his parents watching the classic 1984 film, starring Kevin Bacon, Lori Singer and John Lithgow. Yeah, that'd be almost paradise.

[AP photo]

Vote for the horrible hits of 1983

How long has it been since you heard some '80s songs you truly hated? I mean, besides our last "horrible hits" podcast. (And I mean, besides songs by Frank Stallone.)

It's time again to vote for the "hit" songs you hated most from the otherwise phenomenal year of 1983, so that Sean Daly and I can turn it into a new podcast: the horrible hits of 1983.

If you want to see the full list of potential songs, click right here. Until we have your votes, I've asked Vegas Girlfriend to pick her 10 most-hated songs from 1983. Here they are. Click on the artist to hear the song:

She Works Hard For The Money (Donna Summer)

Up Where We Belong (Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes)

You Can't Hurry Love (Phil Collins)

We've Got Tonight (Kenny Rogers and Sheena Easton)

The Girl Is Mine (Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney)

How Am I Supposed To Live Without You (Laura Branigan)

Straight From The Heart (Bryan Adams)

Pass The Dutchie (Musical Youth)

Far From Over (Frank Stallone)

Tonight I Celebrate My Love (Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack)

Wanna go on the New Kids on the Block cruise? Start swimming

The Carnival cruise ship Imagination set sail Friday from Miami. Among the 2,100 passengers: hundreds and hundreds of drooling 20- and 30-something-year-old women. Oh, and five guys named Danny, Joey, Donnie, Jordan and Jonathan.

Yes, it's the New Kids on the Block cruise. (Hey, guys. It's okay to wear shorts on a cruise from Florida. It is like 90 degrees right now, ya know? As if!) Special cruises with music acts from the '80s aren't a new concept -- for example, Motley Crue's Vince Neil has been doing a Motley Cruise pretty regularly for a while now. But this might be the first time that five pasty-white, shaving-impaired jackasses from the Northeast are the toast of a cruise ship. Somebody cue the Gilligan's Island theme song and let's hope their three-day cruise turns to a three-decade cruise.

Thankfully, it appears our gang of misfit musicians isn't blogging from the cruise. I'm not sure how long we could handle items like ...

SATURDAY, 3:30 p.m.: Jordan and Donnie have fun with napkin-folding class. Meanwhile, Joey makes three girls faint when he shows his "elephant trunk" during a towel-animal exhibit.

[AP photo]

Madonna finds Jesus ... and dates him!

Completing the ultimate circle of blasphemy, Madonna -- just a few short years after grinding up next to a giant disco crucifix outside the Vatican -- is now sleeping with Jesus. Sounds like the sequel to The Da Vinci Code.

Sadly, it's not that interesting. Our current favorite '80s punching bag -- since neither Boy George nor George Michael has been arrested this week -- is reportedly dating Jesus Luz, a Brazilian citizen who's age is estimated at ... well, let's just assume she has platinum albums older than he is.

Madonna also is cajoling her friends in the fashion biz to employ her boyfriend as a model so he can remain in the United States and at her side.

Want more Madonna news? Neither do I, but it's the last for today, I promise. A new poll has named Madonna the "hardest working mom in Hollywood." Yeah, strange world we live in.

[Photo from Desperately Seeking Susan]

PETA asks Pet Shop Boys to change name

PETA Europe has asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name to something more politically correct. Try "Rescue Shelter Boys" instead, they plead.

"By agreeing to change your name to the Rescue Shelter Boys, you would help raise awareness about the cruelty involved in the pet trade and encourage your millions of fans to consider giving a home to an abandoned or unwanted animal from an animal shelter," PETA's Yvonne Taylor wrote in a letter, which is posted on the Pet Shop Boys' official website. "So, what do you say?"

To make a long story short, they say thanks, but no.

Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe have been together since 1981 and originally called their band West End, but legend has it they later changed it to Pet Shop Boys because some close friends worked in a pet shop and because it sounded more like a rap group. They remain one of the world's bestselling pop duos and just released their 10th album -- Yes -- in late March.