Jabba the Hutt as a cake? It'll take more than Jedi powers to stomach this

This cake-maker is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.

[Wave of the light saber to Pop Candy, Walyou and Geekstir]

Why can't Patrick Dempsey find a decent movie script?

When did we lose Patrick Dempsey? The '80s, I mean. When did the '80s lose Patrick Dempsey?

Don't give me that "Oh, everyone grows up and out of the '80s" because if Stuck in the '80s proves anything, it's that the exact opposite is true.

We'll always have Can't Buy Me Love, I suppose. And Loverboy. And we'll always forgive him for Meatballs III. (Did you know Dempsey played the role of Mike Damone in the TV version of Fast Times at Ridgemont High? Classic.)

Why the Dempsey rant? I just finished watching his latest big screen flick, 2008's Made of Honor. Dreadfully predictable. Right down to the ending and the line: "You're the perfect guy. Just not the perfect guy for me." Oh my. Someone give me a paying job writing scripts in Hollywood. I promise a 20 percent decline in cliches in my first month on the job.

I'm hoping Dempsey is better (and not just "sooo cute") in TV's Grey's Anatomy. But I won't watch that show. Or any medical show. Hospital and cop shows: I've had enough of them to last a lifetime. And even the smell of a hospital makes me want to hurl.

I'm hoping someone finally gives Patrick some good big-screen roles again. I'm wearing out my VHS copies of all his '80s classics -- even that little underappreciated flick in 1985, Heaven Help Us.

Forget helping us, heaven. Just help Patrick Dempsey find some better scripts.

TOP 5 FILM ROLES OF PATRICK DEMPSEY:

5. COUPE DE VILLE (1990): "In the third verse he says 'She's got a wang-on.' I move it above."

4. HAPPY TOGETHER (1989): "Fun? What's that?"

3. WITH HONORS (1994): " My &%$# is cleaner than your bum."

2. LOVERBOY (1989): "I had a Letter to Penthouse staring me right in the face, and I let it go."

1. CAN'T BUY ME LOVE (1987): "Nerds, jocks. My side, your side. It's all bulls---. Its hard enough just trying to be yourself."

'Blade Runner' named best sci-fi flick of all time

"Time to die!" No, time to celebrate, because 1982's Blade Runner was just named the best science-fiction movie of all time by Total Sc-Fi Online.

Yeah, take that Star Wars and Alien fans. You've been schooled by '80s heroes Harrison Ford, Daryl Hannah and the never-dull Rutger Hauer. (Sorry, but I never thought Sean Young was really great in this flick.) Here's their top 5.

1. Blade Runner (1982)
2. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
3. Star Wars (1977)
4. Alien (1979)
5. Metropolis (1927)

"As Deckard, Harrison Ford proved he could pull off a much darker hero than Han Solo, and Rutger Hauer gave the performance of his career as the psychotic, feral and ultimately tragic Roy Batty. A masterpiece," the editors wrote of Blade Runner.

Click here to read their full list.  Meanwhile, here's a full list of which '80s movies landed on their list. And then answer our poll at the bottom.

1. Blade Runner (1982):
7. The Terminator (1984)
9. E.T. (1982)
13. The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
15. Aliens (1986)
17. Brazil (1985)
18. Akira (1988)
19. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
22. Tron (1982)
23. The Thing (1982)
24. RoboCop (1987)
31. The Fly (1986)
34. The Road Warrior (1981)
35. Return of the Jedi (1983)
36. Back to the Future (1985)
42. The Abyss (1989)
51. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989)
52. Escape from New York (1981)
62. Videodrome (1983)
65. Repo Man (1984)
68. Outland (1981)
78. The Quiet Earth (1985)
86. Altered States (1980)
89. Dune (1984)
91. Explorers (1985)
94. Flash Gordon (1980)
96. Cocoon (1985)
98. Predator (1987)
99. Trancers (1985)

Sci-Fi silliness
What's the biggest surprise on Total Sci-Fi Online's list of best sci-fi movies?
'Blade Runner' beating out 'Star Wars'
'Last Starfighter' not making the list
'Dune' making the list
Only one 'Star Trek' movie on the list

Who's the ultimate girl-next-door of the '80s?

Forget all these cuties-turned-hussies from Disney Channel. The true-to-your-heart girls from next door were perfected during the '80s.

You won't have to work hard to recall their faces and performances. They dot every important movie of the decade.

In a couple weeks, Stuck in '80s will tackle The Top 10 Girls Next Door of the '80s for a new podcast. But in the meantime, of course, we want your suggestions on who should be on the list.

Some criteria: The girls next door should be cute, but not necessarily jaw-dropping beautiful (at least at first glance). They need that wholesome, innocent quality. And by all means, they shouldn't cause any unnecessary torture to us poor, helpless boys!

Add your own suggestions in the comments area. Here are five who make my list:

ANNABETH GISH: Oh, take your pick of girl-next-door movies with Annabeth. Mystic Pizza vs. Shag: The Movie. But wait -- don't forget her as Jon Cryer's forbidden high-school-aged lust object in Hiding Out!

PHOEBE CATES: You're thinking the bikini-busting vixen Phoebe from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, but you're wrong. I'm thinking Phoebe from Gremlins. Okay, so she's classically beautiful, but she's hiding it behind a turtleneck sweater.

CATHERINE MARY STEWART: She toyed with poor Lance Guest in The Last Starfighter, but she's nobody's babydoll in Night of the Comet, which has the added bonus of having "Tommy" (Michael Bowen) from Valley Girl in the cast. "No other Val dude can touch me!"

DAPHNE ZUNIGA: She definitely has the New England preppy girl next door look down, especially with John Cusack in The Sure Thing. But don't forget her take as the lovesick school newspaper editor in Vision Quest or the too-dedicated med school student in Gross Anatomy. However, she loses girl-next-door points for being Princess Vespa in Spaceballs. ("Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.")

DIANE FRANKLIN: Oh no, not for Last American Virgin. "Karen" was evil! No, she scores for Better Off Dead! She has the market cornered on Camaro-fixing, ski-teaching, French-speaking girls next door. "I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you." Wow, she's practically the Tony Robbins of the '80s!

Okay, add your own picks and we'll get working on the ultimate ranking.

If you fell between '80s cliques, how would you dress for the big reunion?

Hey, '80s fans, there's a cry for '80s fashion help that just arrived in my e-mail. This is going to take more work than just watching Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion again on DVD. So I'm enlisting everyone's help in resolving this issue. Super-fan Bill from Cali sent this today:

Dear Steve, my 20-year reunion is coming up on August 1st.  I don't know what to wear.  I'm a male, 5'10" 230lbs, recently divorced.  We are holding the reunion at a Native American casino.  The high school is  located in a large farming community in central California. I was a geek to the cool kids, a jock to the geeks and a clown to the jocks. Any suggestions?       

Wow, Bill. That's a tough situation. But I have total faith in the Stuck in the '80s nation to provide the correct answer. I myself am a fashion disaster, but I had the time of my life at my 20-year reunion (which is what led me to create Stuck in the '80s in the first place).

The secret: I didn't care what I was wearing. It was all positive attitude and putting old ghosts to rest. Seriously. Greatest weekend in my life. And I'm not ashamed to admit I cried like a baby when it was over. So have faith.

In the meantime, how can we help Bill dress himself for the big reunion?

Flash Gordon, Xanadu, Buckaroo Banzai: Name the campiest movies of the '80s

Is Flash Gordon, that masterpiece featuring Sam Jones, Max von Sydow and Timothy Dalton, the campiest movie of the '80s?

It might not even be the campiest movie of 1980. Consider the competition that year: Xanadu, Smokey and the Bandit II, The Blue Lagoon, Popeye.

But with Flash Gordon and its killer Queen soundtrack playing this Saturday at the Beach Theatre in St. Pete Beach -- for free -- I'm leaning toward giving it a secured top 5 status.

Of course, what we need to do now is simple: Name the campiest movies of the '80s. I'll give you broad authority to define "campy" any way you want. But to me, it's a movie that's incredibly fun to watch because it's unintentionally comic, ironic but yet sentimental.

Name as many movies as you want, but here are five that would make my list, which I'll publish later this week once your suggestions are in:

THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION (1984): Longest title for a movie I'd really never want to see again, though I'm told by half the English-speaking world that I'm just missing the campy qualities. It better be campy, because with lines like this -- "Don't be mean; we don't have to be mean, cuz, remember, no matter where you go, there you are" -- it's sure not clever.

ZAPPED (1982): It has Scott Baio, Willie Aames and Scatman Crothers. Need I say more? If memory serves, I think Baio's model of the Starship Enterprise takes flight (strings clearly attached) and attacks his dog. Sad thing is that I know for certain I once owned the soundtrack, including the very romantic (to a 13-year-old anyway) tune Got To Believe in Magic by the velvet-singing David Pomeranz.

IRON EAGLE (1986): Hard to believe Louis Gossett Jr. won an Oscar for Officer and a Gentleman just four years before putting out this stinker. Oh sure, we love it. Mainly for Queen's signature tune One Vision ("Fried chicken!") and for lines like this: "Looks like they'll be importing oil this year, Chappy."

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN (1985): Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Hunt before they were truly famous! But it violates the most important rule of serious movie-making: Never name your movie after a hit song.  (I'm looking at you Patrick Dempsey ... Can't Buy Me Love? Great movie, lousy title.)

THE EXPERTS (1989): Remember when John Travolta made really strange movie choices? Yep, the '80s. But there's something about this tale of two suckers brought to the Soviet Union to open a nightclub that still is appealing. Must be co-star Deborah Foreman!

So what other campy movies of the '80s belong on the list?

Play Tetris for free online! (Because it's more fun than work)

Hard to believe, but Tetris is celebrating its 25th birthday this month. (What? No party invitation for us '80s fans? Even after those snobs at Asteroids and Pac-Man snubbed us too?)

You just wanna play for free right now at your desk, don't you? Click here to play a free Flash-based version of Tetris. And quietly hum happy birthday when you clear that first level.

The game was invented in June 1984 when Alexey Pajitnov, a Russian-born mathematician fond of puzzles, wrote the first program for Tetris in his spare time. His electronic puzzle challenged players to arrange puzzle pieces along the bottom of a matrix. When a horizontal line is full, it disappears and gives the player more open space to continue playing.

Sounds dull when you actually explain the game's premise, doesn't it?

Still, the popularity of Tetris has grown every year since its humble birth -- first as an arcade game, then as a desktop computer diversion and today as an app on mobile devices. According to EA Mobile, more than 75 million Tetris products have sold for mobile platforms. And AT&T, still the exclusive carrier of the iPhone, reports that Tetris is the top-selling game for the first quarter of 2009.

If you're an avid player, expect some cool additions to your fave game soon. According to Henk Rogers, head of Blue Planet Software (which holds the licensing rights), "the best is yet to come."

"We’re working on versions of Tetris that will make it possible to have international games similar to the Olympics, or the World Cup," Rogers said in an online statement this week. "We have a vision of the future where people all over the world can meet and become friends without speaking the same language."

Who is Adrian Belew and why is he on all our '80s records?

Adrian Belew? That look on our collective faces is indeed total confusion. But today's guest blogger, Douglas "The General" Arthur, promises to explain why Adrian's is a name we all need to know a lot better.

When the grand tale of rock 'n' roll finally comes to an end someday, it will be hard to argue that no one was plucked from obscurity quite like Adrian Belew. "Not so fast, General," you say,"I've never heard of this Adrian Belew character." And by name recognition alone, you might be right. However, I guarantee you've heard his music.

The name Adrian Belew, when brought up in polite conversation, usually brings blank stares or some glimmer of recognition as the "Oh, Daddy" guy. The truth is that his work has been heard more often than not, even if most folks don't recognize him. There is a reason, however, that Trent Reznor once declared, "Adrian Belew is the best f------ guitarist alive!"

Adrian is well known and well respected by other musicians, and it is a shame he never got the commercial success he deserved.

So today we will take a look at some of the benchmark albums he worked on in our favorite decade.

To fully understand how this all connects we have to go back to 1977. Adrian was playing with a house band in a Holiday Inn in Nashville when, by chance, Frank Zappa happened into the lounge. Being impressed by his unique style and virtuosity, Frank asked him to join his band on the spot, and so began his career.

Adrian contributed to his 1978 album Sheik Yerbouti and showed up in the concert film Baby Snakes. While touring with Zappa, David Bowie caught a show and immediately found his way backstage to offer Adrian a spot on his upcoming "Heroes" tour. This meant that he'd be playing guitar lines created by his one of his idols, Robert Fripp. This led to playing solos on Bowie's next album, Lodger, with Brian Eno. This association would bear much fruit for Belew as he entered the '80s. He went from playing a Holiday Inn lounge circuit to arenas around the globe in a matter of months!

As the Talking Heads were finishing up their Remain In Light sessions, Eno decided to bring Adrian in to add some solos. By this time, he had gained a reputation as a "stunt guitarist." Those are his soaring fuzzed-out solos that grace songs like The Great Curve, Once In a Lifetime and Crosseyed and Painless.

When they went on tour, they decided that they couldn't replicate his work without him, and asked him to tag along. But this is where Adrian's story gets interesting. During the Remain In Light sessions and tour, things between David Byrne and the rest of the band soured considerably, mostly over songwriting credits on things that were mainly improvised in the studio.

Sometime during the tour, Tina and Chris approached Adrian and asked him if he'd like to join the band permanently as they were looking to fire David. He said he needed a little time to think about it, and coincidentally during the next few days he was contacted by Robert Fripp asking if he might be interested in joining a new band with himself, Tony Levin (from Peter Gabriel's band) and Bill Bruford (from Yes and King Crimson).

So now Adrian was left with a choice. Does he stay where he is, in a successful band, but one in which he would have to replace a founding member, or go join one of his idols on a venture that may or may not go anywhere. Ultimately he decided that replacing David Byrne in Talking Heads was a no-win situation for everyone involved, and opted to join Robert Fripp's new band.

Initially they called themselves Discipline, but as they played more together, they all came to an agreement that this was really a new version of King Crimson. So their first album became Discipline, instead. Adrian has been involved with Crimson ever since. Incidentally, this era of King Crimson is widely considered to be one of the best by critics.

This really opened up the flood gates and Adrian became much in demand and he lent his guitar to albums by Tom Tom Club, Laurie Anderson, Joan Armatrading, David Byrne's Catherine Wheel project, Joe Cocker, the Elvis Brothers, Peter Gabriel (for the Gremlins soundtrack), Herbie Hancock, Jerry Harrison's Red and The Black album, Garland Jefferies, Jean-Michel Jarre, Scott Merrit, Yoshiyuki Ohsawa, Mike Oldfield, Robert Palmer, The Raisins, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Paul Simon's Graceland and Peter Wolf. Not to mention a thriving solo career, including four albums in the '80s.

He even had a minor hit in 1989 with Oh, Daddy from his Mr. Musichead album, a duet with his daughter Audie asking him when he was going to be hugely successful.

As the decade closed he prepared to tour again with David Bowie on his epic Sound + Vision tour, as lead guitarist and musical director.

We focused today on the '80s but Adrian's success continued as he collaborated with Nine Inch Nails, Crash Test Dummies and Tori Amos and even produced the hugely successful Jars of Clay song, Flood!

So here are my top 6 Adrian Belew albums of the '80s:

6. Tom Tom Club (Tom Tom Club): A fun record that spawned the mega hit Genius Of Love! Adrian thanks Mariah Carey every time her version is played.

5. Graceland (Paul Simon): It's hard to pick out his parts, but this album is awesome anyway.

4. Lone Rhino (Adrian Belew): This was his first solo record, and it's a screamer.

3. Discipline (King Crimson): Adrian's first foray as lead songwriter and guitarist is a collaboration with some of rock's greats.

2. Twang Bar King (Adrian Belew): His second solo record finds him more relaxed and experimental ... plus he throws in a killer cover of the Beatles' I'm Down.

1. Remain In Light (Talking Heads): The landmark genre-buster would not be the same without his wild and soaring solos.

Check your liner notes, he may just be on one of your favorite records.

Adrian is currently touring with the Adrian Belew Power Trio, so check your local listings and go. He puts on the greatest live show I have seen. His enthusiasm is infectious and his powerful songs will move your hips.

[Publicity photo]

Top 5 reasons to love 'Howard the Duck'

Howard the Duck, the 1986 flick by George Lucas, is perhaps the most infamous flop of the '80s. (Worse than Ishtar? Maybe.)

It nearly destroyed the career of everyone involved, particularly actror Lea Thompson, who pretty much ran screaming from Hollywood after this movie came out. (She had to be dragged into doing Some Kind of Wonderful by director/future hubby Howard Deutch.)

Still, it's beloved -- enough -- to force the release of a special edition DVD, which hit store shelves last week. Among the new features: lots of little featurettes and mini-documentaries to chronicle the history of the movie and the comic strip that inspired it.

Lest you think your own secret love of Howard should be kept secret, blogger Christopher Campbell at SpoutBlog has written a brilliant 10-point defense of Howard the Duck. Here's an abbreviated version of the top 5, along with his rationale verbatim. Please visit his excellent blog item for the full, unedited list.

TOP 5 DEFENSES OF HOWARD THE DUCK:

5. JEFFREY JONES IS A GREAT DARK OVERLORD: "Between Howard the Duck and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Jeffrey Jones was one of the biggest and best villains of the summer of ‘86. For kids, anyway."

4. PUNS AND PARALLELS: "For those of us who love corny jokes and puns, the idea of an alternate world where everything’s the same, just with descendants of ducks rather than apes, is a lot of fun."

3. THE DUCK SUIT ISN'T THAT BAD: "Those of us who grew up with Muppets, Chewbacca and other non-computer-generated fantasy creatures had no problem with Howard the Duck's titular fowl being represented as a dwarf in a duck suit."

2. THE SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE TECHNICALLY BRILLIANT: "Those of us who prefer go-motion and other non-CGI effects work will always pay respect to ILM’s achievements on Howard the Duck, particularly their efforts with the Dark Overlord creature in the movie’s final act."

1. IT'S NO LONGER THE WORST LUCASFILM PRODUCTION: "Take your pick — there's The Phantom Menace or there's Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, either of which could certainly take the prize for being the worst movie to come from George Lucas in his 40 years producing films."

The Farmer Ted Effect: '80s geeks gone good

With the Super Bowl over (but the Gasparilla Pirate Fest coming this weekend in Tampa), Steve is still out of commission, so we go to the bullpen for another guest entry. Today's guest-blogger is Sherrie Williams of Largo, who worships Meatloaf (the singer) as much as Spears worships meatloaf (the food).

The Farmer Ted Effect, named after Anthony Michael Hall's geek who somehow gets the girl in Sixteen Candles, is demonstrated in a handful of '80s actors who portrayed nerds only to become far more successful and/or attractive outside our beloved decade. 

A couple of actors just missed the cut: Jon Cryer and Neil Patrick Harris, while they were consummate geeks back in the day, still retain their geek groove today, and we love them for it.  Here are a few who have broken the surly bonds of geekdom:

JOHN CUSACK: His second film role was as "Bryce," one of Farmer Ted’s geek best friends. He is geekdom perfection in this film, but has moved on to star in a sometimes spotty, but occasionally brilliant series of films. He is the shining star of former '80s geeks in today's movies. Sadly, the same can't be said for his sister Joan Cusack who may still be considered part of the geek clique even as she enters the far side of her 40s. [Say Anything scene]

SARAH JESSICA PARKER: It's hard to believe that super nerd "Patty Greene" on Square Pegs and cosmopolitan "Carrie Bradshaw" in Sex and the City are played by the same person. Parker has had a transformation topped perhaps only by Anthony Michael Hall, but I'll always remember her best as she made her way through high school with Johnny Slash. [Square Pegs scene]

ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL: He played the King of the Geeks in Sixteen Candles, and went on to essentially play that character in several films in and out of the '80s.  We had some glimpse of his geek-less future in the horrid Johnny Be Good, but the full transformation took place when he took the role of Johnny Smith in The Dead Zone TV series. Somehow, Brian from The Breakfast Club has become downright handsome. [Dead Zone scene]

PATRICK DEMPSEY: Maybe this phenomenon should be called the "Ronald Miller Effect" because Dempsey perfected it twice, going from "geek to chic" in 1987's Can't Buy Me Love and pizzaman-turned-manwhore in 1989's Loverboy. Nowadays, people forget about the humble roots of Dr. McDreamy in TV's Grey's Anatomy.

Are there some reformed geeks left off the list, or do you disagree that these three have shed their socially awkward past? Leave a comment and we can talk about these transformed '80s geeks.