Prepare to have childhood memories crushed: 'G.I. Joe' could be year's worst movie

Do you still have nightmares seeing Dolph Ludgren as "He-Man" in 1987's Masters of the Universe?  Get ready for more sleepless nights because the word in Hollywood is that the big-screen version of '80s cartoon G.I. Joe is the runaway contender for worst movie of 2009.

The website io9.com called G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra "Showgirls meets Plan 9." That's seriously brilliant commentary.

"We're all expecting G.I. Joe to be one of the worst movies of all time -- but we were actually overestimating it," the blog says. "Judging from the novelization, G.I. Joe will be a masterpiece of badness."

The movie opens Aug. 7. Check the official website for trailers and more hype. If you can stomach it.

Not everyone, though agrees with the doomsayers. Comicbookmovie.com actually gives it a lukewarm review -- damn near a glowing one compared to others.

"I've been familiar with G.I. Joe since I was a kid. I remember the cartoon, the silly PSAs and, of course, the toys. However, I was never a die hard fan or anything like that. After seeing the trailers, and realizing it looked pretty much nothing like the G.I.Joe I remember, I wasn't expecting much," writes its reviewer. "So, with that said, here's the short version: It wasn't great, but it wasn't the train wreck I expected. Also, it was more enjoyable than Transformers 2."

Of course, that's like saying Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was better than Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Finally, a worthy 'Sid and Nancy' tribute

Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen? The two stars of the upcoming movie (500) Days of Summer recreate a classic scene from the 1986 movie Sid & Nancy for a new video series.

It's called Cinemash, and it's brought to us from the clever-minded Mean Magazine. You can see the full clip right here. Next week, Cheech and Chong reportedly recreate the animated movie Tron, according to the always-hip Pop Candy blog.

By the way, my Stuck in the '80s co-host Sean Daly says (500) Days of Summer is really the "Steve Spears Story," if you look at the more tragic recent events in my personal life. See why by watching the movie trailer at his blog.

A 'Thriller' parody CD cover? Bad karma, DJ Cobra

Designing a CD cover that mimics the legendary Thriller album by Michael Jackson probably seemed like a good idea. Until June 25, 2009.

But that's what "DJ Cobra" did with his new album, iller. (Ouch, even the name sorta hurts.)

According to his publicist, the album cover was developed back in May and was intended as a tribute to Jackson. It was released just days before MJ's death.

Cobra (a.k.a. Andrew Bragg) is one of those touring celebrity disc jockeys who play the club circuit. He reportedly has "opened" (you know current music sucks eggs when you have a DJ open for you) for acts like Puff Daddy, Nelly, Lucacris and Lady Gaga. And yes, that's the first and last time you'll see those names listed on Stuck in the '80s.

The album itself is billed as "a continuous blend of songs from ... the Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac, Led Zeppelin paired along with notable recent performers like Coldplay, Lil Wayne, Santogold and others."

In other words, I'm not taking it out of the wrapper. As MJ would say, just tell Cobra that it's human nature.

Here endeth the lesson: 10 best gangster movies of the '80s

The '80s will never be known as the "Gangster Movie Decade" -- that honor is a tie between the '30s and '90s, I'd wager -- but we didn't do so poorly either.

I caught a trailer of Public Enemies, with Johnny Depp's freshly shaven mug in theaters, over the weekend and frankly wasn't impressed. I'm not saying I stopped watched Depp after 21 Jump Street or anything, but I'd be shocked if we're still talking about this movie three weeks from now.

So instead, I give you a list of 10 movies that we can still talk about 20 years later. No, they're not all great. Some are downright embarrassing. But I'm betting they were made for a fraction of the coin and with half the hype laid out for Public Enemies.

TOP 10 GANGSTER MOVIES OF THE '80s:  

10. HARLEM NIGHTS (1989): Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor. "What if we made love real hard for 35 minutes then drop off into a deep, coma like sleep?"

9. WISE GUYS (1986): Danny DeVito, Joe Piscopo. "I hate this f------g job!"

8. THE COTTON CLUB (1984): Richard Gere, Gregory Hines. "You've got about as much style as a bowl of turnips."

7. JOHNNY DANGEROUSLY (1984): Michael Keaton, Joe Piscopo. "Why you miserable cork-soaker!"

6. ATLANTIC CITY (1980): Burt Lancaster, Susan Sarandon. "It used to be beautiful - what with the rackets, whoring, guns."

5. PRIZZI'S HONOR (1985): Jack Nicholson, Kathleen Turner. "Do I ice her? Do I marry her?"

4. MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988): Michelle Pfeiffer, Matthew Modine. "Everything we own fell off a truck!"

3. ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMERICA (1984): Robert De Niro, James Woods. "I took away your whole life from you. I've been living in your place. I took everything. I took your money, I took your girl. All I left for you was 35 years of grief over having killed me. Now why don't you shoot?"

2. SCARFACE (1983): Al Pacino, Michelle Pfeiffer. "The only thing in this world that gives orders... is balls. "

1. THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987): Kevin Costner, Sean Connery. "You just fulfilled the first rule of law enforcement: make sure when your shift is over you go home alive. Here endeth the lesson."

Autobots! Transform into DVDs and roll out!

Here's a radical idea: Instead of plunking down that debit card for two tickets to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen this week, use that valuable moola and pick up the newly released 25th anniversary edition of "The Transformers: The Complete First Season" instead.

Oh, I'm sure your kids won't mind. (Just remember to hide all sharp objects and matches before going to bed tonight.)

The 3-disc collection has 16 episodes from the original 1984 season, each with remastered audio. Also included are some cool special features that follow the origin of the Transformers series and some retro toy commercials. (Because your kids don't think you're a dork enough already until you wax poetically about your beloved Merlin toy.)

By the way, if you're feeling really nostalgic for your beloved autobots, wait until latter this summer. That's when the 16-disc Transformers: 25th Anniversary 'Matrix of Leadership' Edition Collector's Set is due out.

Sign of the apocalypse: John Cusack in an apocalypse movie

John Cusack's been good to us over the last 25 years or so. Even after 1989's Say Anything, when he put his foot down and refused any more roles in high school flicks, he's done right by the '80s nation.

Movies like High Fidelity, Being John Malkovich, Max and True Colors kept the love affair going (even in the face of paycheck-only flicks like America's Sweethearts, Con Air and Serendipity).

So what are we left to think about his next movie coming out in November -- the ambiguously titled 2012. (Simmer down, Rush fans, it's 2012, not 2112 ... though maybe that's a better idea.) I almost thought it was a joke a first -- a takeoff on 1408, his horror flick from a few years ago.

A new trailer has just been released on Yahoo Movies, and after watching it, you'll get the feeling it's time for John to pay some bills again. In the movie, humanity is fighting for survival against Armageddon, as forecasts of a global apocalypse seem to be coming true. It if looks and feels exactly like Independence Day or The Day After Tomorrow, then congratulate yourself on your keen observation skills: It was written by Roland Emmerich, who had his hands on those other two flicks as well.

I'll probably skip this movie in the theaters and save my money for The Hot Tub Time Machine in 2010.

TOP 5 JOHN CUSACK BOMBS:

5.ONE CRAZY SUMMER (1986): I'll get some guff for putting this movie on the list, but it was totally unwatchable to me then and today. But I still love writer/director Savage Steve Holland (Better Off Dead, How I Got Into College). [Trailer]

4. PUSHING TIN (1999): You rock as an air traffic controller with a bad case of infidelity. But Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie send this movie on a nose-drive. [Trailer]

3. SERENDIPITY (2001): Your childhood buddy Jeremy Piven as a co-star works wonders in Say Anything and Grosse Pointe Blank, but even "Ari Gold" can't get the saccharine taste out of our mouths after seeing this rom-com disaster. [Trailer]

2. THE ROAD TO WELLVILLE (1994): Incredible cast (Anthony Hopkins, Bridget Fonda, Matthew Broderick, Dana Carvey, Colm Meaney) but here's good advice: Stay away from scripts involving enemas. [Trailer]

1. AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS (2001): Ultimate proof that Julia Roberts is the most overrated actress of the last 30 years. This lame script also sucked in Billy Crystal, Hank Azaria, Stanley Tucci, Christopher Walken, Alan Arkin and Seth Green. But nobody could stomach seeing "Lloyd Dobler" coupled with Catherine Zeta-Jones (especially after you figured out she was a slut in High Fidelity the year before!) [Trailer]

Remember this song? It's coming back on CD

Kim Wilde's Kids in America appears on one of the most under-rated and sadly forgotten soundtracks of the '80s? Can you remember it? (Answer at the bottom.) But here's the good news: Wilde has just re-released her first two albums -- Kim Wilde and Select -- in expanded CD editions.

Her debut album reached No.3 on the U.K. charts when originally issued in 1981 with the hit singles Kids In America (No. 2 in the U.K., No. 3 in Australia, No. 25 in the U.S.), Chequered Love and Water On Glass. Both re-releases have bonus tracks, the original LP artwork and liner notes approved by her official fan club and Wilde herself.

If all this news has you aching to see her live in concert, you better hope you live in the U.K. or have the coin to buy a plane ticket. Her latest tour dates keep our British cutie -- yeah, she looks hotter than ever -- very close to home. Maybe we can snag her for a future Regeneration Tour to the U.S.

'Yes,' the Pet Shop Boys still sound great

Chances are the average American music fan hasn’t thought much about the Pet Shop Boys since their debut single West End Girls saturated radio dials back in 1985.

That’s tragic, because Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe have been spinning out far superior dance-friendly hits nonstop over the last 25 years. Disco for smart people, PSB squeezes social commentary and political astuteness into catchy hooks and playful musicianship.

Think of their music as the soundtrack for Jetsons: The Movie on a crazy Saturday night in Orbit City – in the SoHo district.

Yes is the duo’s 10th studio album, and it finds Chris and Neil still extolling passion, lamenting pain ... and mischievously taping “kick me” signs on the backs of those who follow the wrong paths in life.

FAMILIAR TERRITORY: The album starts with dueling, one-two pop punches of Love Etc. and Beautiful People – the first a hopefully not-too-subtle lampoon of greed, the second a brooding ode to our current economic desperation. (And yep, that's Johnny Marr from the Smiths on guitar in Beautiful People. Nice touch.)

NOW START DANCING: Is that the Nutcracker suite we hear sampled during All Over The World? Tchaikovsky never boogied like that. Other instant dance classics include Did You See Me Coming? and the better Pandemonium. (“Is this a riot or are you just pleased to see me?”)

LOVE AND LOSS: Slow it down now for Vulnerable, a plunge into a deep well of self doubt — “At night I am lying awake, through the hours trying to calculate 'Am I good enough?’ ” The mood lightens only slightly for the richly ambient King of Rome.

BUY OR NO BUY: A definite yes on Yes. And consider getting the limited edition version, which has a bonus disc with This Used To Be The Future, a track featuring Phil Oakey of the Human League, along with other mixes. The whole project is the reason so many of us are still addicted to the ’80s: Why be current, when the past was perfect?

Back in black: Depeche Mode's 'Sounds of the Universe'

A new Depeche Mode album -- this time the newly minted Sounds of the Universe -- is always cause for a celebration. Albeit usually a dark one. "Hey, my dog just died ... let's break out the Depeche Mode." "Oh really? My boyfriend dumped me, so I'm feeling a little DM too!"

Our British electro-ambassadors would disagree, insisting again that they're a happy lot with a great sense of humor. Okay, guys, but your music isn't -- and that's fine by us. Misery loves company ... and company loves Depeche Mode.

Sounds of the Universe may not be the glummy goth fest of albums of celebrated yore, but a quick glance at the track listing -- uplifting titles like Fragile Tension, In Sympathy, Wrong -- tells us it's still Dave Gahan, Martin Gore and Andrew Fletcher at the wheel.

Here are some first impressions:

AWKWARD START: For whatever reason, the disc opens with 1 minute and 25 seconds of what I'll describe as random "sound effects and noise" before finally launching into In Chains, a lovely dirge but not quite worthy of its primo locale. [Listen] Hole To Feed is far more nourishing: "This world can leave you broken inside with nowhere to hide." [Listen]

'WRONG' IS RIGHT: Some 20 years after Blasphemous Rumours, Black Celebration and Shake the Disease, we have a new Goth anthem -- Wrong -- from the boys. "I reached the wrong ends, by the wrong means. It was the wrong plan, in the wrong hands." Gah! Where's my black guy-liner?!? [Listen]

MORE OLD-SCHOOL LOVE: Tunes like Fragile Tension, Peace and Corrupt drip with the soothing synth sounds of years long gone. It illustrates the great '80s time-space anomaly: Why be current, when the past was perfect?

WHERE ARE SIMON, JOHN AND NICK? I'm convinced that only the kids from Duran Duran could have crafted Perfect and Little Soul. These feel and sound like deep album cuts from Seven and the Ragged Tiger. 

NO DANCING ALLOWED: Unlike their pop contemporaries, the Pet Shop Boys (who released the far-superior Yes this week), Depeche Mode seems to have given up completely on providing anything for the dance floor. Consider that a blessing if, like me, you eschew dance floors on weekend nights for a comfortable bean bag chair and strong elixir. But longtime fans might find it harder to swallow that tunes like Come Back and Spacewalker are the antithesis of classics like People Are People and Enjoy the Silence.

BUY OR NO BUY: I'm torn. While Sounds of the Universe doesn't feel like a traditional Depeche Mode album, it has merits on its own. I'm not sure what Universe it is that DM wandered into for this album, but it should definitely be considered deep-space exploration.

Eight lost campy classics released on DVD

Just in time to take away the pain of Tax Day, Lionsgate today released DVDs of eight movies you've probably long forgotten from the '80s. (Though seriously, tell me you didn't forget about Hiding Out, with the great Jon Cryer!)

Dubbed "The Lost Collection," the set features some of our favorite stars from the decade in movies that didn't make quite the biggest splash in their careers. Names like Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, Jim Belushi and Cryer.

Each movie is available for $14.98 and includes a "Pop-Up Trivia" track. They're available at the usual stores and online retailers, including lionsgateshop.com. (While you're there, pick up Care Bears: Cheer, There & Everywhere.) Here's the list.

IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES (1984): Ryan O'Neal, Shelley Long, Drew Barrymore. Remember Drew before she was obnoxious and overexposed? Think WAY back. "That bimbo stole my husband! They drank their lover's wine in glasses I stood in line to buy!"

MY BEST FRIEND IS A VAMPIRE (1988): Robert Sean Leonard, Rene Auberjonois. This was Leonard's first big role before The Dead Poets Society the following year. "This blood's for you."

THE NIGHT BEFORE (1988): Keanu Reeves, Lori Loughlin. Never saw this flick in the '80s, but Keanu was funny in Youngblood and Parenthood, so who knows? "Gee, am I overreacting? Well, I guess being sold into prostitution has made me a little edgy; or maybe it's the thought of almost losing my virtue to the Goodyear blimp - and then again it could be simply the sleazy feeling of vinyl against my skin."

HOMER & EDDIE (1989): Jim Belushi, Whoopi Goldberg. "Probably more unpleasant couplings are imaginable, but none springs immediately to mind," the Washington Post said about the casting of this movie, which is described as "unlikely friends who go on a rollicking road trip together." Hey, Belushi and Whoopi were good together in Jumping Jack Flash.

MORGAN STEWART'S COMING HOME (1987): Jon Cryer, Lynn Redgrave. A highly underrated Cryer movie -- aren't they all -- with a great performance by the late Paul Gleason. Cryer appeared in four movies in 1987 -- Morgan Stewart, Superman 4, Dudes and the next movie on this list. (Trailer)

HIDING OUT (1987): Jon Cryer, Annabeth Gish. "I used to be just like you: a short, horny, hopeless dork." I've always been baffled why this movie -- along with Pretty in Pink -- didn't immediately spring Cryer into stardom. Instead, it'd be almost 20 more years before TV's Two and a Half Men did the trick. (Trailer)

REPOSSESSED (1990): Leslie Nielsen, Linda Blair. A '90s movie on the list? For shame! But the plot -- about a girl who needs a repeat exorcism -- is very '80s and Naked Gun-esque. "What's going on, father? I just had to tie my wife down to the bed. I've never done anything like that before, well except for that one time when the kids were at camp." (Trailer)

SLAUGHTER HIGH (1986): Caroline Munro, Simon Scuddamore. The plot goes exactly the same as your own 10-year high school reunion. Only you don't get to murder quite so many people with sharp instruments. But how bad can the movie be? It was reviewed by Eat Horror, Fatally-Yours.com and SlasherPool.com. (Trailer)