Barry Manilow sings (gasp) the '80s!

There are certain things in the '80s world that don't belong together. Madonna and marriage. George Michael and public restrooms. Morrissey and a hot dog-eating contest. And as of today, Barry Manilow and the music from our beloved decade.

Manilow has made a fortune with his recent discs featuring the hits of the '50s, '60s and '70s. But there's something fundamentally evil in his attempt to capture the sounds of the '80s. It's a Rocky vs. Ivan Drago kind of thing. A clash of cultures. Surely Manilow really can't appreciate the decade's signature sounds -- New Wave, Electronica, Rap and American Punk. And certainly the fans of those genres have no use for the soft-FM showmanship of Mr. Manilow.

Still, in his brand-new The Greatest Songs of the Eighties, Manilow smartly avoids the edgier hits of the decade and wraps his elfin-E.T. physique around only those songs he can adapt to his sound. It's a shrewd, businesslike approach: Nobody I know wants to hear Barry wail out Duran Duran's Hungry Like the Wolf, but his devoted Fanilows will be titillated to hear his takes on Kenny Rogers' Islands in the Stream and Chicago's Hard To Say I'm Sorry.

For the record, no way did I actually go and buy this CD in public. Rather, I downloaded the album from iTunes. Some dignity is saved after all. Click here to hear some highlights of the disc. And here we go, song by song...

ISLANDS IN THE STREAM: Hey, I don't want to die ... just yet. Reba McEntire takes over the duet duties from Dolly Parton, but Barry is no Kenny Rogers. He just sounds sleepy, and Reba just drowns him out. When the song swells toward the end, we're tortured with a "Stars on 45" clap-along.

OPEN ARMS: Somewhere, former Journey frontman Steve Perry is grasping his chest in horror. But truth be told, this rendition works. Sure, the orchestration is fully cheesed-out Vegas style, but Barry aims for and hits the notes.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP: Thanks to the undefinable appeal of Rick Astley and the Internet phenomenon of "Rick-rolling," his signature hit is quickly becoming a contender for most overplayed song of the decade. But I can say this with a straight face: Manilow's version is just as entertaining. Take that for what it's worth. See? Good song picks make ALL the difference. Can you imagine Barry picking Spandau Ballet's True here instead? (VIDEO)

HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY: Maybe it's the lack of animal protein in my diet lately, but I'm starting to buy in here. Granted, Van Morrison's 1989 song is no Brown-Eyed Girl or Gloria, so Barry just takes it for a nice, gentle spin around the block.

I JUST CALLED TO SAY I LOVE YOU: Ack! I spoke too soon. This wasn't a good song when Stevie Wonder wrote it back in '84. But backed by what can only be described as the "Austin Powers Orchestra," Manilow drags it to near comic depths.

AGAINST ALL ODDS: "Oh, take a look at me. There's just an empty space." Oh, we hear you, Barry. It's like someone ripped one of our favorite songs right out of our chests. "I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry." Yes, I may never smile again.

CARELESS WHISPER: The original 1984 ballad from Wham! rightfully deserves to be ridiculed. And yet, aside from the opening sax notes -- straight from your favorite porn flick -- Manilow shows mercy here and plays it straight. (An aside: I've finally stopped crying at my desk.)

RIGHT HERE WAITING: A very honorable and nearly identical version of the 1989 No. 1 hit by Richard Marx, thankfully bare of unnecessary orchestration. You did good, Barry.

ARTHUR'S THEME: Let's be fair -- few people can naturally channel the ghostly, surreal voice of Christopher Cross. The benefit of having Barry perform it? We can finally understand the lyrics. "I know it's crazy, but it's true."

HARD TO SAY I'M SORRY: No, it's not that hard, Barry. Start with, "I'm really, really sorry, Peter Cetera and Chicago, for attempting to cover your classic tune from 1982." And now apologize for overusing your backup singers on your rendition. I'd swear Barry also was changing the words here and there, except -- again -- I never really knew what Peter was singing anyway.

TIME AFTER TIME: Oh, I've got chills. Just not the good chills -- the kind you get after eating rancid potato salad. I'd love to hear Cyndi Lauper's reaction after hearing her '84 song redone (perhaps using a Casio keyboard bought for $45 on eBay), but right now I just need a warm blanket, some Gatorade and a very dark place to nap.

(I'VE HAD) THE TIME OF MY LIFE: Always beware of the last song on new CDs these days. I'm convinced artists hide their biggest sins here. This tune, originally performed by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes for 1987's Dirty Dancing soundtrack, falls shortest of all on this disc. The upside? If Barry holds true to his word and makes this his last album of hits from past decades, we won't have to worry about his rendition of Smells Like Teen Spirit and Nuthin' but a "G" Thang.

[Getty Images photo]

Another Karate Kid? Yes, sensei!

Will the madness never end? Here we go again: A remake of The Karate Kid is reportedly in the works, with Will Smith's 10-year-old son Jaden playing the lead role.

Firstshowing.net reports that "Columbia presidents Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach have been trying to find a way to bring back the series and apparently this it." Jerry Weintraub, the producer of the original 1984 flick, could be on tap to produce again, says Firstshowing, but other Web rumors say that Will Smith may take over that role.

The story line would be the same, and Jaden is already busy with martial arts lessons, say multiple sources.

With Pat "Mr. Miyagi" Morita's passing in 2005, we nominate Ralph Macchio, who clearly could use the work, to assume the role of karate master. Here's a list of great dialogue to start practicing on, Ralph.

TOP 5 MR. MIYAGI LINES FROM THE KARATE KID:

5. "Walk on road ... Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later ... squish."

4. "What'sa matter, you some kind of girl or something?"

3. "Not bonsai, BANZAI!"

2. "Wax on ... wax off. Wax on ... wax off."

1. "Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything."

[AP photo: Jaden and Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness]

'V' invades prime time TV again!

Can TV get any better for '80s fans? First a new Knight Rider returns and now this: The sci-fi series V is set to be remade and return to television as a miniseries and TV spinoff.

ABC is remaking the 1980s story about alien lizards "visiting" Earth, according to Variety.com. The new series will be written by The 4400 co-creator Scott Peters.

"Whenever I mention V to anybody, they still have a lot of good memories about the original movie and series," Peters told the trade journal. "Everybody has that imagery of their uniforms, or the visitor eating a hamster. It’s a science fiction icon and too good to pass up."

The original 1983 miniseries was a ratings triumph, sparking a sequel and a weekly TV series during the 1984-85 season. Original writer-producer-director Kenneth Johnson had been trying to find buyers for "V: The Second Generation," according to Variety, but he's not listed among those involved with the ABC version.

The new miniseries will revolve around a Homeland Security agent whose wayward son is attracted to the aliens upon their arrival, though more side plots are expected along the way.

[Photos from original V series]

Remakes & sequels: 'Now is the season of evil'

Vigo the Carpathian - most evil-looking dude of the '80s? Or just a man very upset that his legacy in Ghostbusters 2 is about to be upstaged by the sequel 20 years later? You be the judge.

The good news is that a new Ghostbusters installment will probably include Bill Murray, who told a crowd at Fanastic Fest this week that he "would definitely be into doing another Ghostbusters movie, stating that the first 40 minutes of the original film is some of the best stuff he's been associated with and the whole shoot was an amazing amount of fun," according to Moviehole.com.

"He also went on to say that his enthusiasm for Ghostbusters was heightened after recording the voice of Peter Venkman for the video game over the summer," Moviehole.com says. "In fact, he said he found himself walking down the street singing the Ghostbusters theme song and then thought people walking around him were going to start yelling at him to 'get over yourself, Bill,' so he stopped ... But the enthusiasm was there."

Though Ghostbusters 3 seems like it's headed in the right direction, what about all the other '80s movies that are slated for remakes and sequels? That's the topic of this week's Stuck in the '80s podcast, featuring guest co-host Steve Persall, the film critic -- film genius dare I say? -- from the St. Petersburg Times.

Click here to download the show. Or click here to get all our shows for free via iTunes.

Mother pus bucket! A new 'Ghostbusters'!

The rumors are true: A new version of Ghostbusters is in the works.

Harold Ramis, who co-wrote and co-starred in the original Ghostbuster movies, recently told the Chicago Tribune that the old cast will reunite for the project.

In an e-mail to Trib blogger Mark Caro, Ramis said Columbia Pictures is developing the script.

"(Dan) Aykroyd, Ivan Reitman and I are consulting at this point, and according to Dan, Bill Murray is willing to be involved on some level," Ramis said. "He did record his dialogue for the new Ghostbusters video game, as did Danny and I, and Ernie Hudson."

What will be different than the '80s originals? For one, Judd Apatow and his troupe of actors could be taking over as the lead characters.

"The concept is that the old Ghostbusters would appear in the film in some mentor capacity," Ramis said. "Everyone is confident a decent script can be written, and I guess we'll take it from there."

So that's some good news: It's a sequel in other words, not a "remake." Because we need another '80s remake like we need to relive the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.

TOP 5 UNDER-USED LINES FROM GHOSTBUSTERS:

5. "Maybe now you'll never slime a guy with a positron collider, huh?"

4. "Venkman, shorten your stream!"

3. "Hee hee hee! 'Get her!' That was your whole plan, huh, 'get her.' Very scientific."

2. "Mother pus bucket!"

1. "Take me now, subcreature." (Actually, I do HEAR that line a lot.)

[Publicity photo]

Don't take the 'Wonder' from our '80s

Here's some predictable news: NBC is planning a "Wonder Years" TV series that will take place in the 1980s.

The name of the series? Umm, just "'80s." (Hundreds of hours of debate probably went into deciding between "'80s" or "Eighties.")

According to TVguide.com, a one-hour pilot has been ordered. Former "Wonder Years" writer/producer Bob Brush will be in charge.

NBC says the series will be a cross between "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (probably with far fewer teenage abortions) and "The Ice Storm" (with twice the amount of adultery).

Believe it or not, another remake

"The Greatest American Hero" is the latest '80s remake announced by Hollywood this summer. The short-lived TV series will be re-imagined as a big-screen movie (though hopefully they'll keep the same killer theme song by Joey Scarbury).

Moviehole.net says the search is on for big-name stars to play the roles of schoolteacher/superhero Ralph Hinkley, FBI agent Bill Maxwell and lawyer Pam Davidson.

(I'm thinking Corey Haim for "Ralph," Alan Ruck for "Agent Maxwell" and ... Annabeth Gish for law-babe Pam.)

The plot would remain the same. Aliens bestow superhero powers -- and "magic jammies" -- on an unassuming schoolteacher, who promptly loses the instruction book for his new outfit. Comic hilarity ensues. (Hey, it was the '80s, we didn't need people lost on islands or lawyers-turned-prophets to entertain us.)

Original stars William Katt, Robert Culp and Connie Selleca recently told MTV.com that they've been asked to appear in cameo roles in the movie as well.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM GREATEST AMERICAN HERO:

5. "You're about as religious as a Las Vegas nightclub owner."

4. "You go in there and you know what's going to happen? You're going to be sent away for so long, when you get out this suit's going to actually be in style."

3. "It's a bird. It's a plane. It's ... Ralph Hinkley."

2. "Pam Davidson, my attorney, this is Bill Maxwell. We're in the superhero business together. "

1. "I mean I could kill the guy that designed this suit. Why couldn't it have... narrow lapels and a cutaway jacket? Why'd it have to be long johns and a cape?"

'I'm gonna live forever!'

With all the hoopla over remakes of "Red Dawn," "Meatballs" and "Electric Dreams," here's another Hollywood travesty that almost went unnoticed: An updated version of the 1980 flick "Fame" is currently in production.

Kevin Tancharoen has been picked the direct the movie. (Surely you haven't forgotten his brilliant work on 2004's "Britney Spears: Live from Miami.")

So far, the only cool thing about the remake is that the casting call -- mirroring that of the original film -- is looking mainly for fresh faces. Moviehole.net has a rundown of all the main characters. Most of them sound familiar to the original film, though the names are slightly different.

Still, do we really need another '80s remake? When will the madness stop?

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM FAME:

5. "I'm about as flamboyant as a bagel."

4. "Never being happy isn't the same as being unhappy. Is it?"

3. "I like your nose ring. Did it hurt, or is that ethnic?"

2. "I's young, I's single, and I loves to mingle!"

1. "I mean, if I don't have a personality of my own, so what? I'm an actress! I can put on as many personalities as I want!"

We are Hollywood execs, so pity us

Why is it such bad karma talking about old movies beloved in our youth? Because you never know when the knuckleheads in Hollywood will mistake nostalgia for new profit potential and plot another remake.

And so here we go again: "Meatballs," the 1979 summer camp classic that launched Bill Murray's film career, is set for TWO remakes. Lionsgate Films just threw its hat into the ring, handing off its remake to writers Sean Anders and John Morris ("Never Been Thawed"), according to Cinematical.com.

Strangely enough, Cinematical writer Scott Weinberg doesn't share the love of "Meatballs."

"Aside from young master Murray's inspired aloofness, the flick's a fairly forgettable affair. ... It's not like Meatballs is on the same level as a Caddyshack or even a Stripes," Weinberg writes. "Plus, who wants to share a title with movies like Meatballs Part 2, Meatballs 3: Summer Job or Corey Feldman's Meatballs 4?"

Oh sure, the sequels suck. But the original? It's sacred to '80s fans, most of whom first encountered the movie on video at just the right time in their childhoods. Hire Bill Murray to take over Harvey Atkin's role of "Morty" and maybe consider Vince Vaughn for "Tripper," and the North Star C.I.T.'s can live again.

Sorry, but that's inspired to me.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM MEATBALLS:

5. "Is that a bra you're wearing, or are you expecting an assassination attempt?"

4. "You must be the short depressed kid we ordered."

3. "Mmmmm. Look at all those steaming wieners."

2. "Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed 'some kind of beef.' "

1. "We are the C.I.T.s so pity us. The kids are brats; the food is hideous. We're gonna smoke and drink and fool around. We're nookie-bound!... We are the North Star C.I.T.s!"

Together AGAIN in Electric Dreams?

The good news just keeps coming this summer. First, The Human League embarks on their first big U.S. tour in forever, finishing each glorious show with "Together in Electric Dreams," and now ...

The 1984 flick "Electric Dreams" -- which used the Phil Oakey/Giorgio Moroder song as a title track -- could be remade soon.

Virginia Madsen, who co-starred in the original flick, has the remake project on the slate of her new production company, Title IX Productions. The film also starred Lenny Von Dohlen ("Twin Peaks") and Maxwell Caulfield ("Grease 2").

Normally, I'd rail against remaking a '80s classic, but I won't here because, well, frankly it wasn't exactly a classic. The song sold better than the movie, and the plot -- which followed a devilish computer and its geeky owner as they fight over a sexy female -- could really benefit from an update in technology.

Still, as always, I have some plot suggestions...

TOP 5 CHANGES TO THE NEW 'ELECTRIC DREAMS':

5. BRING BACK THE CAST: Bring back the original cast, but make Madsen the lonely geek who buys a computer to combat her loneliness.

4. STUCK IN THE ... REMAKE: Have Mr. Von Dohlen play the seemingly unobtainable and sexy creator of a 80s blog and podcast, who catches the fancy of Madsen through his brilliantly clever but very sensitive and heartfelt writing.

3. A MAC ATTACK: Give Madsen a Mac powerbook to use as her accomplice. Macs are wily critters capable of any sorts of mischief. And ultimately, our 80s blogger/hero will choose the very sexy Madsen over something that keeps crashing whenever he tries to load his favorite adult sites.

2. THE COMIC RELIEF: That rascal Caulfield can play the blogger's best friend -- perhaps give him the role of an large-headed music critic who likes to burst out into songs from ... you guessed it, "Grease 2." ("Reproduction! Is that all you think about? Reproduction!")

1. TOGETHER AGAIN: And finally, bring back the talented Phil Oakey to re-mix the original title track and to add another 10 new tunes for the soundtrack, thus launching the band on yet another tour of the U.S.

Now that's a dream I can really get into.