Retro-review: "This is my moment"

 

SPECIAL MOTHER'S DAY RETRO-REVIEW: 1983's "Terms of Endearment," starring Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine and Jack Nicholson. Written and directed by James L. Brook (from the novel by Larry McMurtry).

THE PLOT: Emma (Winger) is the rebellious daughter to Aurora (MacLaine), a stuffy, emotionally distant mother who disapproves of her daughter's husband (the always great Jeff Daniels) and life. It takes Emma's illness -- and an affair with her neighbor (Nicholson) -- for her motherly instincts to finally kick in.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: A sequel -- "The Evening Star" -- was released in 1996, with MacLaine and Nicholson returning to play their roles from "Endearment." The movie was a dud both with critics and the box office.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The supporting cast was simply amazing -- even the bit parts played by Danny DeVito and John Lithgow. But Nicholson stole the show as the raunchy, retired astronaut "Garrett Breedlove," a character that didn't even exist in the novel. But believe it or not, he wasn't the first pick for the role. Burt Reynolds, James Garner and Harrison Ford all were in line in front of Nicholson, who won an Oscar for his work.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "This is a wonderful film. There isn't a thing that I would change, and I was exhilarated by the freedom it gives itself to move from the high comedy of Nicholson's best moments to the acting of Debra Winger in the closing scenes." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE STILL LOVE IT TODAY: You could drop this movie into any decade, and it would still make you sob like a baby before the final credits role. That's the magic of director James L. Brooks. But don't discount the chemistry of a handful of actors -- Winger, Lithgow, DeVito and Daniels -- who at that moment in time were just discovering how great they could be.

TOP 5 "MOM" QUOTES FROM TERMS OF ENDEARMENT:

5. "OK, you're allowed to say one mean thing to me a year. That'll do until you're 10."

4. "Grown women are prepared for life's little emergencies."

3. "My daughter is in pain. I don't understand why she has to have this pain."

2. "Impatient boys sometimes miss dessert!"

1. "This is my moment."

'There's a lot more to love than hot-wiring'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's "Cherry 2000," a sci-fi action flick starring a young Melanie Griffith and David Andrews ("A Nightmare on Elm Street," "Apollo 13" and "Fight Club"). Directed by Steve De Jarnatt ("Miracle Mile") and written by Michael Almereyda ("Twister").

THE PLOT: in the year 2017, A yuppie (Andrews) breaks his sex robot and must hire a tracker (Griffith) to help him navigate a Mad Max futuristic wasteland in search of a replacement robot -- the elusive "Cherry 2000." (Not to be confused with 1983's "Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone," with Molly Ringwald as the tracker.)

THE MUSIC: The original score was written by Basil Poledouris ("Conan the Barbarian," "Hunt for Red October"). Rumor has it that only 1,500 copies were made of the soundtrack, driving up the price for a single copy to $2,500 on eBay.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The movie features bit cameos by Laurence Fishburne and western-movie legend Ben Johnson.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Clad in pastel shirts and checkered pants, the villainous tribe in "Zone 7" -- led by B-movie god Tim Thomerson ("Trancers," "Iron Eagle") -- dances the Hokey Pokey in celebration after executing trespassers.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "Low production values can't dampen the quirky humor and interesting premise of this enjoyable B movie, which re-imagines 'Blade Runner' as a Roger Corman Western."
-- Allmovie.com

WHY WE LOVE IT: Melanie Griffith looks better in this movie than other any of her career. Yeah, including "Body Double" and "Working Girl." And despite the fact that there's almost no nudity -- in a movie called "Cherry 2000"?!? -- it's still sexy B-movie fun.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM CHERRY 2000:

5. "You can just go s--t in your hat."

4. "You get one of these fired up, it's like slamming an octopus."

3. "There's a lot more to love than hot-wiring."

2, "Romance? We are talking about with a robot, right?"

1. "They got that damn plane working ... go get the macaroni and cheese!"

Moving out with Richard Pryor

Today is Moving Day for the Stuck in the 80s mansion. So as I try to squeeze my collection of a-ha import CDs, "Police Academy" DVD box set and life-sized Ione Skye plush pillow (I gave her my heart...) into new 1-bedroom apartment, I thought I'd give you a moving-theme blog item.

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1988's "Moving," starring Richard Pryor, Beverly Todd and Randy Quaid. Directed by Alan Metter ("Back to School" and "Girls Just Want To Have Fun.")

THE TAGLINE: "On the New Jersey Turnpike, no one can hear you scream."

THE PLOT: Arlo Pear (Pryor, with the best character name of all time) is a family man with a nice job in New Jersey. But after being laid off, the only similar job he can find ... is in Idaho. (Wow, this practically writes itself.)

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The great Morris Day (of Morris Day and the Time) makes a cameo. Man, someone get Morris a better acting agent. He could have been solid gold in the '80s.

SURELY YOU CAN"T FORGET: A very young Dana Carvey, as the man with multiple personalities hired to drive Arlo's car to Idaho. And no, it's not his first big-screen credit. Carvey was in 1981's "Halloween II" as "WWAR Assistant."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: The Washington Post said: "The movie seems to have been conceived as a kind of fantasy of contentment and affluence for the black audience, and its message seems to be, 'Yes, it's true. We, too, can be as insufferably upscale and boring as whites.' "

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: It's sure a lot better than "The Toy." And with a rich cast of cameos -- including Dave Thomas -- it's hard not to enjoy getting into the moving spirit. Just keep Quaid away from my boxes of porn material.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM "MOVING":

5. "Keep the weed whacker, Frank! Be happy with it because you have to friends! Nobody wants to talk to you!"

4. "I gave him the wrong g---amn finger!

3. "Who you think you talkin' to? I'll stomp a mudhole in your a--, poop butt!"

2. "Ma'am, that dog hasn't farted since March '78."

1. "There's no G---amn way, I'm G---amn moving to Ida-son of a bitch, s--t eating-ho."

"You read 'Treasure Island,' didn't ya?"

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's "Hot Pursuit," starring the always lovable John Cusack, who sandwiched this flick between 1986's subpar "One Crazy Summer" and signature performances in 1988's "Eight Men Out" and "Tapeheads." Written and directed by Steven Lisberger, who is credited for the story on 1982's "Tron."

THE PLOT: Prep school student Danny (Cusack) is forced to miss spring break with his girlfriend Lori (Wendy Gazelle) to make up a chemistry test. When his teacher lets him off the hook, Danny races to the Caribbean to catch up to Lori and her family, who are in more danger than anyone could have imagined.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Robert Loggia as the salty sailor "Mac," who kidnaps the drunken and despondent Cusack and then helps him on his quest.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Ben Stiller makes his feature film debut in "Hot Pursuit" as the deckhand turned pirate. And he's joined for the first time by his father, Jerry Stiller.

THE TUNES: No soundtrack was released -- probably because there are only two songs in the movie: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Nylons and "Lessons in Love" by Level 42.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "From its slow, painful start to its ridiculous, not to mention improbable, ending, Hot Pursuit is tortuously boring." -- Terri Clark, Apollo Movie Guide.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: He may not have the greatest dialog to work with, but Cusack's physical comedy is at its very best in "Hot Pursuit." And despite the ups and downs, it's nowhere near the lows of "Must Love Dogs" or "America's Sweethearts" either. Loyal female fans will still feel their hearts flutter when John is on the screen, while guys will enjoy the gymnastic prowess of actress Wendy Gazelle (whose other notable screen appearances were in "The Net" and "The In Crowd.")

TOP 5 LINES FROM HOT PURSUIT:

5. "The name is Dan. They call me ... Mr. Determined."

4. "Row 10, Seat C. Don't you want to see where you were conceived?"

3.  "Don't forget the first rule of sailing: Never p--s into the wind."

2. "Some of us drink from the fountain of knowledge. Others gargle."

1. "You read 'Treasure Island,' didn't you? ... You'll do."

The best '80s band ... from the '90s

What happens when you combine a couple synthesizers, some New Wave melodies and four guys from Frankfurt, Germany?

The best '80s band from the '90s, according the Check Battery Daily -- the now-defunct band that performs the new Stuck in the 80s podcast theme song.

During the band's 10 years of existence, Check Battery Daily cranked out two albums, appeared occasionally on TV, played a slew of gigs and even cracked the charts in Europe for online music.

Not bad for a band named after a U.S. Army jeep.

Christopher dArcy, the band's lyricist, recently took time out to answer the bigger questions.

Why start an 80s band in the 90s?

"Against the mainstream Check Battery Daily had decided that there is still a place for good music besides loud techno music and boring beats."

"Unfortunately the '90s were not the ideal time for an '80s band."

There's got to be a good story about the band's name.

"Check Battery Daily -- we read this on the battery compartment of a U.S. Army jeep and we found this kinda cool. At that time we decided that, if we ever would have our own band, that would be its name. I would assume that was somewhere in the mid '80s and we were just crazy for electronic music."

"Later I bought myself the first set of synthesizers and started composing myself. And much later [the band] started composing sarcastic songs about our friends which we produced as gifts for their birthdays. And then it just happened - many people liked the songs, so we started to become a real '80s band."

How did the music scene of Frankfurt influence your sound?

We are based in the area of Frankfurt -- actually a bit left of Frankfurt, but know one will know that town. Frankfurt itself is still today the center of the German electronic music scene, maybe also due to the fact that still today one of the largest international fairs for musical instruments is conducted there every year.

Any success stories?

"We recorded our first record in 1989 (named "Our First") and to our surprise it was far more successful than we expected, so in 1990 we released our second record ("Our Next"), which also was a great success."

"We continued to play on stage, winning even some contests and we even aired on TV, but we realized that electronic music doesn't work that well on stage if you have four singers and only one
person playing an instrument. So we started to just use our voices on stage and sang a-capella. And this started our second success wave."

"We also continued working on 80's pop, but the '90s were hungry for something new, so we didn't produce another album. Well, we released 'Our Best' in 1995, but that was about it."

How did the band break up?

"By the time we started considering that the time has come again for great synthesizer melodies, Check Battery Daily found a sudden end."

"In 1998 (vocalist) Bernhard Wurm died in a motorcycle accident. And since the band was always four friends making music together, the band died with him. We felt that there is no space for an external replacement."

Which of the popular bands did you listen to?

Our influences are without doubt Depeche Mode, but also a-ha and Alphaville.

And yes, we still love the '80s and its music. Just listen to our "Ode To The Eighties!"

-- For more information Check Battery Daily and to hear their songs online, visit their official website.

'Swedish chicks dig terrorists'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1985's "Gotcha," starring Anthony Edwards and Linda Fiorentino. Directed by Jeff Kanew, who also directed Edwards in "Revenge of the Nerds."

TAGLINE: "Meet Jonathan. A college student who loves girls, games & gunplay. This year, on vacation in Paris, he's going to find out about all three. For real!"

THE PLOT: Nerdy Jonathan (Edwards), fresh from winning an ongoing paintball game called Gotcha, goes to France on vacation where he is befriended and bedded by the mysterious Sasha. Suddenly Jonathan's on the way to East Berlin with his new lover, and his life is never the same.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Nintendo would later introduce a game, featuring a light gun, called "Gotcha! The Sport!"

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Jsu Garcia played the part of Edward's best friend. Garcia would play the role of the locker-bending "Cerulo" in Wildcats in 1986. You see him more recently playing Jennifer Aniston's gay dancing partner in "Along Came Polly."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "Edwards actually makes a surprisingly competent and intelligent leading man. It's too bad the plotting of this Cold-War/spy/fantasy/action/comedy never really gives him the chance to prove it." -- Crazy For Cinema

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Despite his more studly roles in The Sure Thing and Top Gun, Anthony Edwards was the king of the lovable nerds in the 80s. And if that's good enough to have sex with Linda Fiorentino, then bravo!

TOP 5 LINES FROM GOTCHA:

5. "You're right, I'm on drugs. I'm a junkie, you know, I mainline, I freebase, I put cocaine on my cornflakes..."

4. "Mon crayon est large."

3. "I'm not your type. I'm not a weirgin."

2. "I would kill or die to make love to you."

1. "Swedish chicks dig terrorists."

'This is the Cosby decade!'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: In honor of C. Thomas Howell's 41st birthday, it's 1986's "Soul Man," sadly one of the least-remembered comedies of the 80s. Also starring Rae Dawn Chong and Arye Gross. Directed by Steve Miner, who is also remembered for his work on the "Friday the 13th" series.

THE PLOT: An over-privileged college graduate (Howell), just accepted to Harvard Law School, discovers that his parents have revoked the money set aside for grad school. So he overdoses on tanning pills and poses as a black student in order to win a full scholarship.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Rae Dawn Chong and Howell were romantic interests in the film -- and in real life (eventually getting married, then divorced in 1990.)

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The movie is full of great supporting roles, including primo performances by James Earl Jones as the tough law professor and Leslie Nielsen as the discriminating landlord.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "This is a genuinely interesting idea, filled with dramatic possibilities, but the movie approaches it on the level of a dim-witted sit-com." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Dim-witted, Roger? That hurts. Along with "Airplane" and "Ferris Bueller," it's  one of few 80s movies that has your attention from start to finish. And Arye Gross might have the single, best supporting role of the decade here. ("Wow... Mark... a black Negro!")

TOP 5 LINES FROM SOUL MAN:

5. "Mom! Dad! There's something I have to tell you... I'm black."

4. "What's happening, brother? Get down, get down. Looking good, mamma, looking good. Well, I gots to be going now!"

3. "She told me they have support for people whose parents are poor, but not for those whose parents are a--holes."

2. "This is the Cosby decade. America loves black people."

1. "A black Negro? He never told me he was a black Negro."

'You're on Rylos! Stop thinking human'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's "The Last Starfighter," starring Lance Guest, Catherine Mary Stewart and Robert Preston. Directed by Nick Castle (The Boy Who Could Fly, Tap). It was one of the first films to take advantage of computer graphics for entire segments of the movie. In 2004, it was converted to stage in an off-Broadway production.

THE PLOT: A teenager stuck living in a trailer park (Guest) finds that his videogaming skills are highly prized elsewhere in the universe when he's recruited to defend an alien race against invaders. But will he leave his girlfriend (Stewart) and family to pursue his destiny?

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Lance Guest played the part of "Jack" in the Kristy McNichol film, "Just the Way You Are." Guest falls for McNichol before meeting her in person and realizing she's handicapped. (Come on, Jack!)

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: This was the final film appearance for Robert Preston, who died in 1987 of lung cancer. Best known to 80s fans for his role in "Victor/Victoria," Preston based his "Starfighter" role  of "Centauri  " on his 1962 performance of "Professor Harold Hill" in "The Music Man."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "The Last Starfighter is not a terrifically original movie. The video game concept seems inspired by Walt Disney's TRON, and the battles in space are such close copies of the Star Wars movies that George Lucas might have a lawsuit." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

WHY WE LIKE IT ANYWAY: The aliens are more human than those living on Earth, especially movie critics it seems. And without sounding like too much of a wuss, there's great romantic juice between Guest and Stewart (who would go on star in "Night of the Comet," "Weekend at Bernie's" and "Mischief.") Hell, if Guest had left her behind on earth, I'd be living with "Maggie" now at the "Star Lite Trailer Park!"

TOP 5 LINES FROM THE LAST STARFIGHTER:

5. "Back to sleep, Louis, or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!"

4. "Woo! All right! We're being invaded!"

3. "Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada."

2. "Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your, uh, whatever that is."

1. "You're on Rylos, my boy! Stop thinking human."

Call him Mr. Lamb Fries!

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1988's "Funny Farm," starring Chevy Chase and Madolyn Smith Osborne. It was directed by George Roy Hill, best known for his work on "The Sting," "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" and "Slap Shot."

THE PLOT: Chase and Osborne play "Andy and Elizabeth Farmer," two city-dwellers who chuck their careers to move to Vermont so that Andy can write his great American novel. When reality doesn't meet their dream of a country home, they try to sell it -- but they need help. So they offer the town's residents money so that they'll act normal -- at least until a new buyer can be found.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Bill Fagerbakke, of TV's "Coach" and "Spongebob Squarepants," plays a minor bit as one of the Criterion brothers.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The insanely drunk postal worker who flings the Farmers' mail out his window as he races by. The part was played by Kevin Conway ("Oz" and "The Bronx is Burning"), who was uncredited in the role.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "At the end, I had a goofy grin on my face because the movie had won me over so completely I was even willing to accept the final gag about the two ducks." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT TOO: Chevy's "bemused wonder," as Ebert puts it, is contagious. And so we gladly embrace the drunken postman, the fried lamb testicles and the pet -- "Yellow Dog" -- so sedentary that Chevy has to remove his smoking tail from the fireplace.

TOP FIVE LINES FROM FUNNY FARM:

5. "We came to Redbud filled with hopes and dreams of a better life. And basically, we've seen those hopes and dreams crushed and battered before our very eyes."

4. "As a novelist, I turned out to be a pretty good sportswriter."

3. "Cue the deer!"

2. "Being a fake is what I do best."

1. "Call me Mr. Lamb Fries!"

'Happy, Happy Halloween ... Silver Shamrock'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1982's "Halloween III: Season of the Witch," starring Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin and Dan O'Herlihy. Directed and written by Tommy Lee Wallace, a longtime contributor John Carpenter films (including the original Halloween in 1978).

THE PLOT: A sinister mask-making company has secret plans to kill millions of treat-or-treaters with something hidden in Halloween masks. (Hidden laser beams inside the masks will fry the little kiddies -- pretty terrifying at the time. Of course, it'd be years before we realized that no such high-tech toys actually work as advertised.) Watch a clip.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: This is the only move in the Halloween series that doesn't revolve around the character of Michael Myers. That, coupled with the $2.5-million budget, doomed it to the worst box-office performance of all the movies in that family.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Nobody can get the TV jingle of Silver Shamrock Novelties Co. out of the head: "Six more days 'til Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Six more days 'til Halloween ... Silver Shamrock."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "A low-rent thriller from the first frame. This is one of those Identikit movies, assembled out of familiar parts from other, better movies." --- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Aside from the great ad jingle, there are references to other movies sprinkled liberally throughout ("The Thing," "On Golden Pond") and a sense of humor that would become standard in horror movies later in the decade.

TOP 5 LINES FROM HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

5. "I don't believe this commercial! It never stops!"

4. "Drinking and doctoring. Great combination."

3. "All witches, all skeletons, all Jack-O-Lanterns, gather 'round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin."

2. "Well, he had to be one strong businessman, I can tell you that. You don't just pull someone's skull apart without a little lower-arm strength, know what I mean?"

1. "I was always taught that when someone needs help, you help them. Unless there's trouble. There isn't going to be any trouble is there?"

'There's a man on the wing!'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1983's Twilight Zone: The Movie, starring Dan Aykroyd, Vic Morrow, Albert Brooks, John Larroquette, Scatman Crothers, John Lithgow and many others. Written by Rod Sterling and John Landis. Individual directors are Landis, Steven Spielberg, Joe Dante and George Miller.

THE PLOT: The movie is broken into four segments -- each its own horror/sci-fi story with its own director and cast. Segment one: A bigoted businessman (Morrow) gets the tables turned on him in truly mind-bending ways. Segment two: Scatman Crothers pulls a "Cocoon" at an old-folks home (please tell me this wasn't filmed here in St. Pete). Segment three: A 10-year-old boy's evil imagination comes to life. Segment four: John Lithgow takes a plane ride he won't soon forget.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: A helicopter accident during filming claimed the lives of Vic Morrow and two child-actors. Lawsuits followed for a decade after the tragedy.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: John Lithgow's segment gives me nightmares every time I fly. That damn gremlin on the wing, tearing the engine apart -- chilling stuff. Lithgow's acting in this movie surpasses anything else in his career. And when the gremlin wags his finger at him and flies away, I can finally start breathing again.

THE TUNES: Very little to remember here other than "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendix during the Vietnam scene and "The Midnight Special" by Creedence Clearwater Revival during the opening and closing scenes.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: Our favorite critic, Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, gave individual reviews for each segment. He panned Spielberg's "Kick The Can" piece ("so convoluted and shadowy that the action is hard to follow...") but loved Miller's direction of Lithgow.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: It's the little details. The reference to "Animal House" in the Vietnam segment. The cameos by Akyroyd and Brooks. And that dreaded gremlin the wing.

TOP 5 LINES FROM TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE

5. "Th-th-th-that's all, Ethel!"

4. "It's not fair! You're supposed to be happy when your wishes come true!"

3. "There's a man on the wing of this airplane!"

2. "I told you guys we shouldn't have shot Lieutenant Niedermeyer!"

1. "Hey... you wanna see something really scary?"

Parade in women's underpants? That's 'Class'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: The 1983 coming-of-age classic "Class," starring Robe Lowe, Andrew McCarthy and Jacqueline Bisset. Directed by Lewis Carlino, whose best-known work was writing and directing 1979's "The Great Santini."

THE PLOT: A naive and shy boy (McCarthy) gets a scholarship to an elite prep school, where he falls victim to classmates' pranks (the old "parade in women's underpants" gag. Classic.) before falling in love with a woman (Bisset) who turns out to be the mother of his rich, classy roommate (Lowe).

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The name of the bar where "Jonathan" meets Mrs. Burroughs is the "Free and Easy Club." However, the address he's dropped off at is the real-life address for Mother's -- the bar made so famous in the 80s flick "About Last Night."

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The movie was a who's-who of future young stars of Hollywood, including John Cusack, Alan Ruck, Joan Cusack and Virginia Madsen.

THE TUNES: Was there a soundtrack? I can't find one for sale. But among the better tunes included in the movie -- "Holiday in Cambodia" by the Dead Kennedys and "Little Drummer Boy" by Joan Jett.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "An uncomfortable, inconsistent movie that doesn't really pay off -- a movie in which everything points to two absolutely key scenes that are, inexplicably, the two most awkward scenes in the film." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Rob Lowe shows his rare comic genius in only his second Hollywood movie (the first being "The Outsiders.") His Halloween costume -- dressing as Jesus -- remains the highlight of the movie. His success here no doubt kick-started his career in the 80s, though it's a shame he didn't keep his hand in comedy.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES FROM CLASS:

5. "I usually have at least a month, before I am faced with student in womens underwear or an artists rendering of my persona dangling from the rafters."

4. "Jonathan, until you get laid none of us are safe!"

3. "It was a lousy thing to do. But I was just so humiliated I just had to kill myself."

2. Not only are you forbidden to attend the Halloween dance, but you are the first student in the history of Vernon Academy ever to be banned from Foxfield until, and I quote, 'The day you die.' "

1. "Worriest thou not about being banished for ever from the Foxfield school for girls, for yea, thought they are the only females within a 100 miles, there is still a place where thou canst journey to. Chicago, on the nine o'clock bus."

Not just another Tequila Sunrise

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1988's Tequila Sunrise, starring Mel Gibson, Kurt Russell and Michelle Pfeiffer. Directed and written by Robert Towne, the movie's title seemingly has no significance in the movie whatsoever, except that Gibson's character enjoys that particular drink. So what?

THE PLOT: Gibson plays a longtime drug dealer who wants to go legit. Russell, an old high school pal, is a cop who has been charged with nailing Gibson before he can retire. To do so, he'll use Pfeiffer, a sexy restaurant owner who has caught the eye of Gibson. (Sounds boring, but it really isn't.) It might be each actor's best work in the 80s. (Nah, that's going too far.)

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The late, great Raul Julia playing the ping-pong loving Mexican drug kingpin. Julia is so likable that even though he's technically the villain (or is it the Fed played by the also late, great J.T. Walsh?), you can't really hate him.

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: The decade's hottest sex scene -- which doesn't actually show any actual nudity. Seriously, Gibson and Pfeiffer will make you warm all over 20 years later.

THE TUNES: Impressive, especially by cop-movie standards. The Church's "Unsubstantiated" is here. So is "Recurring Dream" by Crowded House. And a gem by Robin Zander and Ann Wilson called "Surrender To Me." Even a Duran Duran song ("Do You Believe In Shame?"). Click here for the full listing.

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "There are times when the movie seems to be complicated simply for the purpose of puzzlement, when additional layers of confusion are added as a sort of exercise having nothing to do with the plot." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: No character is completely likeable. No character is completely detestable. Just like real life, my friends. Plus, it falls under the "Raul Julia Rule," which states that every movie with him in it is pretty watchable. (You doubt me? Try "Moon Over Parador.")

TOP 5 LINES FROM TEQUILA SUNRISE:

5. "Your lips keep getting stuck on your teeth. Is that your idea of a smile?"

4. "You go to a good deal of trouble to explain an inconsequential event, Lieutenant."

3. "You f--- like a world champion. ... I got hungry just watching you."

2. "Don't worry, buddy. I won't kill her unless you approve."

1. "It didn't hurt that bad. Just looking at you hurts more."

'Yihla Moja. The man is dead'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1987's "Cry Freedom," starring Denzel Washington and Kevin Kline, directed by Richard Attenborough.

THE PLOT: The life and death of South African activist Steve Biko (Washington) as seen through the eyes of white newspaper publisher Donald Woods (Kline). Biko died in police custody on Sept. 12, 1977, during the apartheid era in South Africa. The movie is based on the book "Biko," written by Woods, who fled the country with his family after Biko's death.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Denzel Washington scored his first Academy Award nomination (supporting actor) for his role as the non-violent, anti-apartheid activist. (It remains easily one of his best performances to date.)

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Peter Gabriel's song "Biko" was included on the movie's soundtrack, even though it was released in 1980. The song was covered by Joan Baez in 1987 and Simple Minds in 1989. The lyrics are haunting: "Oh Biko, Biko, because Biko. Oh Biko, Biko, because Biko. Yihla Moja, Yihla Moja. The man is dead." (The phrase "Yihla Moja" means "Come Spirit.")

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "It's sort of a liberal yuppie version of that Disney movie where the brave East German family builds a hot-air balloon and floats to freedom." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT: Do you remember when people other than Michael Moore made films with a conscience? Go back to the '80s, my friends, and re-watch "Ghandi" and "Cry Freedom." One of the most disturbing scenes -- and "Cry Freedom" expectedly has a lot of them -- depicts the "Soweto Uprising" of 1976, where police opened fire on 10,000 students, killing more than 500 and wounding thousands more. After that tragic event, sanctions were leveled against South Africa globally.

FIVE MEMORABLE QUOTES BY STEVE BIKO:

"So as a prelude whites must be made to realize that they are only human, not superior. Same with Blacks. They must be made to realize that they are also human, not inferior."

"The most potent weapon in the hands of the oppressor is the mind of the oppressed."

"Black man, you are on your own."

"You are either alive and proud or you are dead, and when you are dead, you can't care anyway."

"In time, we shall be in a position to bestow on South Africa the greatest possible gift - a more human face."

'Put Edwina ... back-in-bowl!'

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's "All Of Me" starring Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin, who turns 68 today. (View movie trailer.)

THE PLOT: Edwina Cutwater, a wealthy woman (Tomlin) on her deathbed, has her soul soul transferred into a younger female. But she instead finds herself living in the body of her male lawyer (Martin).

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: The bathroom scene where Martin has to negotiate with the spirit of Tomlin inside his body in order to urinate.

Roger: "You'll have to do it."
Edwina: "Do what?"
Roger: "You know, take it out."
Edwina: "Take what out?"
Roger: "The little fireman."
Edwina: "The little fireman?"
Roger: "You know, my penis."
Edwina: "How dare you say penis to a dead person."

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Richard Libertini as "Prahka Lasa," the English-challenged mystic who goofs up in the transfer of Edwina's body. He may only have a couple lines in the movie, but not a week goes by when you won't hear me do his "Backinbowl! Backinbowl!" line.

ONE NASTY REVIEW: "...Patently ridiculous, but acceptable because of the charm of the characters." -- Variety.com

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Thanks to his great physical comedy skills (which has has since abandoned), this is easily Steve Martin's best movie of the early 80s. (The late 80s would bring Parenthood, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Planes Trains & Automobiles and Roxanne.) And Lily Tomlin dazzles with her ability to act when she's not even in the scene (expressing herself by voice only inside Martin's body).

TOP 5 LINES FROM ALL OF ME:

5. "Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers, I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity."

4. "I love it when you talk like a beer commercial."

3. "You're like an energy vampire. You suck the life out of people and take the fun out of being a lawyer."

2. "Pretty hairy knuckles for a chick."

1.  "Put Edwina ... back-in-bowl!"

Beware of ... Saturday the 14th?

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: Anybody can write about 1980's "Friday the 13th." Only a real 80s freak can attest to seeing the 1981 spoof flick Saturday the 14th, starring Richard Benjamin, Severn Darden and Jeffrey Tambor. 

THE PLOT: In a house haunted by vampires, werewolves, ghosts and a book that when opened releases all the world's evil, the humanly inhabitants are truly spooked by ... owls?

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: This is one of the first big-screen appearances for the always-entertaining Jeffrey Tambor (previously seen only on TV and in 1979's "And Justice For All.")

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Richard Benjamin co-stars in the movie, spoofing his own role in the highly superior 1979 film "Love at First Bite."

ONE NASTY REVIEW: "If someone offers to let you see this for free, slap them across the face and kick their dog." -- Movie Cynics

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Consider this the long-lost ancestor of the "Scary Movie" franchise -- even more impressive since it was mocking the Friday the 13th franchise, which had only just begun. It's not nearly as funny as "Love at First Bite." But then again, it's as equally unwatchable as the movies it parodies. Believe it or not, there's a 1988 sequel -- Saturday the 14th Strikes Back. Hollywood knows no shame.

Four for gore: Some memorable lines from Saturday the 14th:
4. "Some vampires will believe anything."
3. "When I get that book, I will rule the world! Think of it - famine! War! Death!"
2. "Selling the house now would be like closing the barn door after the horses eat your children."
1. "If you weren't immortal, you'd kill yourself."

'Wanna go, pretty boy?'

TODAY's RETRO-REVIEW: The 1986 hockey flick "Youngblood," starring Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze.

THE PLOT: A promising, young hockey player (Lowe) is pressured by his teammates, opponents and family to show that he can fight as well as he skates -- if he wants to make it to the big time. In the process, he befriends the team captain (Swayze) and falls in love with the daughter (Cynthia Gibb) of the team's surly head coach (Ed Lauter).

SOUNDS FAMILIAR: It should sound familiar -- it's the same plot of just about any teen sports movie. Think "Karate Kid" meets "Rocky" meets "Slap Shot."

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Former NHL player Eric Nesterenko (Toronto Maple Leafs, Chicago Blackhawks) played the part of Lowe's father. Steve Thomas and Peter Zezel are other NHLers appearing in the film. Cynthia Gibb, who played Lowe's girlfriend, would do several other movies in the 80s, including "Salvador," "Modern Girls" and "Stardust Memories."

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Keanu Reeves as the goalie with a dubious Quebec accent. (Is there any accent Reeves can master other the SoCal surfer dialect?) Still, rumor has it that Reeves was a very good goalie as a youth. He and Swayze would team up again in "Point Break."

ONE NASTY REVIEW: "If Rob Lowe had to learn to play hockey, was it too much to ask Peter Markle, the writer-director, to write an original screenplay?" -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Famed critic Roger Ebert actually gave the movie a decent review, but detested the two scenes for which which the movie is probably best remembered by 80s fans: Lowe being seduced by his mature, female landlord ("Ahhh, tea with Miss McGill"), and Lowe wandering the hallways of the sports arena wearing nothing by a jockstrap. Throw in some great fight scenes with Thunderbay player "Carl Racki" and some gratuitous nudity and there's your classic '80s flick.

TOP 5 LINES FROM YOUNGBLOOD:

5.  "Hey, go hump your Saint Bernard, scum-nuts."
4. "Fast legs, slow fists."
3. "Where else could I get beaten up every day, treated like shit by prima donna Canadians, get my nuts shaved? "
2. "You can learn to punch in the barn, but you gotta learn to survive on the ice."
1. "Thank God there is a sport for middle-sized white boys."

Retro-review: Streets of Fire

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's Streets of Fire, starring Michael Pare, Diane Lane and Willem Dafoe.

THE PLOT: A mercenary (Pare) goes in search of his ex-girlfriend (Lane), a rock singer kidnapped by a motorcycle gang leader (Dafoe). Set in an ambiguous time and place that resembles New York in the 1950s.

SOUND FAMILIAR: Combine 1979's "The Warriors" with 1981's "Escape from New York" -- only with a lot more singing.

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Lots of memorable '80s actors had small roles in the flick, including E.G Daily ("Valley Girl"), Bill Paxton ("Weird Science"), Amy Madigan ("Field of Dreams"), Rick Rossovich ("Top Gun") and Ed Begley Jr. ("The Accidental Tourist").

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Rick Moranis as the foul-mouthed, current boyfriend/manager of Diane Lane's character. This movie came one year after his starring role in "Strange Brew" and a year before "Ghostbusters."

THE TUNES: Possibly a better soundtrack than a movie. (Well, no "possibly" about it.) The movie features songs written by Tom Petty ("Never Be You"), Bob Seger ("Get Out of Denver"), The Fixx ("Deeper and Deeper") and Stevie Nicks ("Sorcerer"). But this movie is best remembered for mistakingly convincing legions of 80s music fans than Dan Hartman was black. His signature tune -- "I Can Dream About You" -- is lip-synced by the fictional doo-wop group "The Sorels" during the movie.

ONE MIXED REVIEW: "There’s no getting around the fact that 'Streets of Fire' has some of the most stilted acting, off-kilter dialogue delivery, and unbelievably dense characterization in the history of film. And yet, the film is such a guilty pleasure that it’s hard to be, well, too hard on it." -- Beyondhollywood.com

WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Like the much-maligned St. Elmo's Fire, "Streets of Fire" has a certain style to it that makes it ultimately difficult to criticize. And after recently seeing Diane Lane as an aging would-be spinster in "Must Love Dogs," it's nice to recall she was once a sizzling hot young star. The same goes for Michael Pare, whose starring nod in "Eddie and The Cruisers" the previous year is proof that the '80s were the best of times for people other than myself.

Top 5 lines from Streets of Fire:

5. "Oh, you're dumb. And, you're short. Real short."

4. "You know, no one ever had a hold me like you did. I would have done anything for you. A long time ago I would have thought you were worthy of it. Not anymore, babe."

3. "Are we going to talk about it, or are we going to do it?"

2. "You know some of you guys have some cute little a--es. It'd be a real shame if I had to blow'em off."

1.  "The only problem with kicking the s--t out of you is that it would be too easy."

A D-Day retro-review: The Big Red One

Today's retro-review: 1980's The Big Red One, starring Lee Marvin, Mark Hamill and Robert Carradine. It was directed by Sam Fuller. The title refers to the nickname of the U.S. Army's First Infantry Division.

The plot: A veteran sergeant (Marvin) from World War I leads a squad of soldiers in WWII through landings in Vichy French Africa, Sicily and D-Day at Omaha Beach. (Director Fuller served in the Big Red One in WWII

Sounds familiar: It's hard not to confuse Marvin's role here with his work 13 years earlier in "The Dirty Dozen." Fans of "Saving Private Ryan" might find the D-Day landing scene nearly identical at times.

You might remember: Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill as Pvt. Griff who tells the sergeant "I can't murder anybody."

Surely you can't forget: "Revenge of the Nerds" star Robert Carradine as a grizzled, cigar-chompin' soldier? You bet. And it works just fine.

One critic's review: "...The Big Red One is still a B-movie -- hard-boiled, filled with action, held together by male camaraderie, directed with a lean economy of action. ... "A" war movies are about War, but "B" war movies are about soldiers." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

Why we love it anyway: It covers as much of the European theater of war as any WWII movie, except for maybe "Patton." And its D-Day landing scene seems more compelling than that of "Saving Private Ryan." It's also perhaps the only '80s movie about the Normany landings, hence the spotlight on this anniversary of June 6, 1944.

Top 5 lines from The Big Red One:

5. "You know how you smoke out a sniper? You send a guy out in the open and you see if he gets shot. They thought that one up at West Point."

4. "You don't murder animals; you kill 'em."

3. "Did I kill the guy that killed me?"

2. "I can understand you being horny and all, Fritz...but your breath stinks."

1. "You're going to live, even if I have to blow your brains out."

Meet Moses' forgotten brother

Today's retro-review: 1980's Wholly Moses, starring Dudley Moore and Laraine Newman. This is a movie that cleared belonged in my "Blasphemy of the 80s" review, but woe unto me, I forgot it was an 80s flick.

The plot: Two tourists in Israel discover an ancient scroll about the life of Herschel, a man who overhears God talking to his brother Moses and believes it's his mission to free his people from slavery in Egypt. Along the way, alternative versions of the stories of Lot, Jesus and David & Goliath are explained.

Sound familiar?: Yeah, very much like Monty Python's Life of Brian or Mel Brooks' History of the World Part 1.

Maybe you remember: The late John Ritter as the devil and the late John Houseman as the head angel. I doubt either of them listed their performances here high on their resumes, but they should have.

Surely you can't forget: Richard Pryor as the Pharaoh, with a lisp for some reason. As if Pryor as Pharaoh wasn't over-the-top enough.

One nasty review: "It feels like a series of 'guest star' cameo appearances on a TV show we wouldn't want to see in the first place." (Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)

Why we love it anyway: I'm a firm believer that Dudley Moore is one of the most underrated actors of his generation. He left us five years ago with far too few films to relish -- this is one to appreciate again. If you think of it, the movie is full of actors who left us too early. Plus, you just can't get quality comedies about religions anymore today. They ought to make this one part of a box set.

Top 5 Dudley Moore movies:

5. Crazy People (1990): "Who here wants to be a fire truck?"

4. Wholly Moses (1980): "What's that? My Arabic is a little rusty."

3. 10 (1979): "I'll have another double Don. Double Don, God, that's going to be difficult to say by the shank of the evening. Better make that one a single."

2. Bedazzled (1967): "Well, I suppose Lust and Gluttony really have to be rather near the bathroom."

1. Arthur (1981): "You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!"

'It won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore'

Today's retro-review: The 1987 flick Real Men, starring Jim Belushi and the late John Ritter. A lot of '80s fans will say you either "get this movie" or you don't. Very important first tip to "getting it": Suspend all sense of belief. This "sci-fi/espionage/farce" requires logic be set aside for full enjoyment.

The plot: Belushi is a secret agent on a mission to rendezvous with visiting aliens. Ritter is a wimpy neighborhood dad who accidentally gets teamed up with Belushi. Together they must fight the Russians, other U.S. agents gone bad and get to the aliens in time to bring them a special gift: a glass of water.

Sound absurd?: The plot's silliness is part of the film's charm. One reviewer said Real Men has "a sense of humour that is so way out that it ends up generating a silliness that sort of transcends itself." Think "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle." But with no burgers -- and far less pot.

Maybe you remember: Belushi was cranking out movies in the second half of the '80s. Real Men falls between the drama "The Principal" and the buddy-cop action flick "Red Heat." Ritter, on the other hand, was just making TV movies at the time. His under-appreciated role in Blake Edward's "Skin Deep" would follow in two years.

Surely you can't forget: Perhaps the signature scene of the movie is Ritter running around during a shootout, thinking his fingers are a gun and yelling "Bang!" Classic.

One review: "The last twenty minutes or so of the movie are seriously devoid of humor, both in quantity and quality." -- Unknown Movies. But the same guy also says: "Who'd ever think that James Belushi and John Ritter could be funny? Maybe there's hope for Pauly Shore after all."

Favorite dialog from Real Men:

Ritter: "I didn't know you smoked."
Belushi: "Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up."
Ritter: "Well, at least you don't smoke that much."
Belushi: "About a pack a day."
Ritter: "That'll kill ya!"
Belushi: "Bob, it won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore."

[Source: IMBD.com]

I'm not crying: Smoke's in my eyes

Today's retro-review: The 1989 film "Always," starring Richard Dreyfuss, Holly Hunter and John Goodman. A good pick since Florida is currently going up in flames thanks to hundreds of wildfires. (The smoke is so thick over the Tampa Bay area right now that people can't go outside -- at all.)

The plot: A brave but reckless firefighter/pilot (Dreyfuss) is killed during a forest fire battle, leaving his girlfriend (Hunter) and best friend (Goodman) to figure out how to survive without him. Lucky for them, Pete returns to earth in "spirit" form to help them -- and a young pilot -- find their way.

Sounds familiar: It's a remake of one of director Steven Spielberg's favorite childhood movies -- the 1943 flick "A Guy Named Joe." (Dreyfuss and Spielberg both loved the movie as children -- something they learned about each other while filming "Jaws.")

Maybe you remember: Brad Johnson ("Flight of the Intruder") playing "Ted Baker" -- the young pilot who is partnered with the Dreyfuss' ghost -- and his former girlfriend.

Surely you can't forget: The whistling skills of Dreyfuss, whose character Pete belts out snappy tunes whenever he gets nervous. You won't be able to get the ditty out of your head after seeing the movie.

One bad review: "The feeling of the film is more 1940s than 1980s, which is no doubt what Spielberg was hoping for, but I'm not sure it works." --Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times.

Why we love it anyway: Goodman is a god in this movie, reinforcing what I've always suspected: He was the genius behind the TV series "Roseanne." And while romantic films wouldn't become Spielberg's specialty, you have to admire his longtime passion for this story.

Top 5 lines from Always:

5. "Root beer. Don't forget the olive."

4. "He's too beautiful. He's too much twisted steel and sex appeal. I can't be with a guy that looks like I won him in a raffle."

3. "I know now, that the love we hold back is the only pain that follows us here."

2. "You quit, you gave up. He never quit on anything 'til it killed him, and that was his way, and there's much worse ways, and boy you sure found one."

1. "My engine's on fire! Can you believe that? And I was in such a good mood!"

Great soundtracks to movies NOT from the 80s

Sometimes, given my resistance to most music recorded after the arrival of "grrrrunge," I forget that there are some great movie soundtracks beyond the 80s. Of course, they're full of '80s music anyway.

Are any of these great soundtracks better than their epic forefathers from the '80s themselves? Tough question. But it's really a no-lose scenario. Just enjoy the tunes.

Five great post-'80s soundtracks featuring '80s music:

GROSS POINTE BLANK (1997)
Totally awesome: "Blister in the Sun" (Violent Femmes), "Rudie Can't Fail" (The Clash), "Under Pressure" (David Bowie and Queen)
Gag me: "Live & Let Die" (Guns N' Roses)
Cool factor: Any movie with John Cusack is cool by definition. "I'll see you at the "I've peaked and I'm kidding myself" party."

THE WEDDING SINGER (1998)
Totally awesome: "Everyday I Write the Book" (Elvis Costello), "White Wedding" (Billy Idol), "Video Killed the Radio Star" (President of the United States of America)
Gag me: "Pass The Dutchie" (Musical Youth)
Cool factor: Adam Sandler loves the '80s as much as I do. But not everyone loves Adam. "Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon."

200 CIGARETTES (1999)
Totally awesome: "Our Lips are Sealed" (Go-Go's), "Just What I Needed" (The Cars)
Gag me: "Ladies' Night" (Kool & The Gang)
Cool factor: A Blondie medley is a plus, but Dire Straits isn't. "Throwing a party it's like... it's like an invitation for abuse. It's like the last desperate act of someone who hasn't had a lasting relationship since Junior High."

DONNIE DARKO (2001)
Totally awesome: "The Killing Moon" (Echo & The Bunnymen), "Under the Milky Way" (The Church), "Stay" (Oingo Boingo)
Gag me: "Notorious" (Duran Duran)
Cool factor: It has Boingo. It's plenty cool. " 'No duh' is a product of fear."

SLC PUNK (1998)
Totally awesome: "Sex and Violence" (The Exploited), Kiss My Deadly (Generation X), "Kill The Poor" (Dead Kennedys)
Gag me: "Hot for the Teacher" (Van Halen)
Cool factor: A soundtrack with bands like the Kennedys and Camper Van Beethoven -- fantastiche! "I didn't sell out, Son, I bought in. Keep that in mind."

'Tension breaker ... Had to be done'

Today's retro-review: Summer has hit Florida full-force today. So it seems like a good time to review an often-underrated classic -- 1987's Summer School, starring Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley.

The plot: Mr. Shoop (Harmon, in perhaps his finest hour) is a high school gym teacher who looks forward to summer breaks as much as his students do. But this year, he's forced to teach a remedial English class filled with the school's biggest bone-heads. And so, hilarity ensues. And then, of course, hilarity ends when he finds his class must pass a standardized test or he'll lose his job.

Sound familiar: Picture an entire class of Jeff Spicoli's -- "Slow Minds at Ridgemont High" is how one critic compared it. (Read it)

Maybe you remember: Robin Thomas as Vice Principal Gills, channeling the future genius of Steve Carell. or Ken Olandt as Larry, the kid who can't stay awake because he moonlights as a male stripper.

Surely you can't forget: Dean Cameron in his acting opus as "Chainsaw" and a pre-Melrose Place