Mrs. Garrett still teaches "Facts of Life"

Actress Charlotte Rae -- aka "Mrs. Garrett" on "The Facts of Life" -- has a cameo appearance in Adam Sandler's upcoming movie, "You Don't Mess with the Zohan."

We all know Sandler loves the 80s and squeezes as much classic music into each of movies as possible. But if don't want to spoil the surprise of Mrs. Garrett's role -- or if you just prefer not to toss your breakfast -- please, read no further ...

Last warning ...

"We make love together," the 82-year-old Rae told AP Television this week. "On a table from one to 10, I rate him, 'Not bad.' "

"Zohan" is set for release on June 6. In it, the AP says, Sandler plays an horn-doggin' Israeli commando who goes undercover as a hair stylist. No word yet on if he's capable of doing the trend-setting "Blair" look.

[AP photo]

'This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!'

Many people in Florida say spring officially arrives when the pro baseball teams return for the Grapefruit League. Others figure the state fair or Plant City's infamous Strawberry Festival signals the beginning of the season.

Here at the Stuck in the 80s corporate headquarters, we use a different barometer to determine springtime -- when the poolwater is warm enough for skinny-dipping. And as of 6:13 p.m., Feb. 21, it's spring, baby, it's spring!

No, those weren't the Space Shuttle's sonic booms you heard last night. It was the sound of watery cannon balls echoing throughout northeast St. Petersburg.

Nobody appreciates a quick dip au natural like an '80s fan. Because, with due respect to the 1960s, the '80s are all about this wonderful hobby.

TOP 10 SKINNY-DIPPING SCENES FROM THE 80s:

10. SPLASH (1984): Daryl Hannah is a mermaid. You figure out the rest. "What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?"

9. THE BLUE LAGOON (1980): Brooke Shield's timeless line: "You're always staring at my buppies!"

8. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): Phoebe Cates isn't actually in the water, but who's complaining. "Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here."

7. SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): Michael J. Fox is seduced by "Aunt Vera" (Margaret Whitton) to the tune of the "Jaws" theme. "What's my mother going to say? I've disgraced my whole family!"

6. COCOON (1985): Steve Guttenberg has a close encounter of the nude kind. "If this is foreplay I'm a dead man!"

5. SUMMER LOVERS (1982): Daryl Hannah (again!), Peter Gallagher and Valerie Quennessen prove three's company after all. "Making love to you is like riding a horse."

4. CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD (1986): William Hurt and Marlee Matlin in the artsiest scene in this list. "Sarah... Sarah! I am falling... into the pool with you!"

3. BLAME IT ON RIO (1984): Michael Caine, you dirty dog. Michelle Johnson was old enough to be ... well, she was old enough. "You only live once, but it does help if you get to be young twice."

2. RECKLESS (1984): Daryl Hannah (hey you!) and Aidan Quinn hold impromptu swim team tryouts -- at midnight. "Forget it! I'm not that drunk... well, not yet!"

1. VACATION (1983): Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley. No nudity, but great comedy. "It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!"

Honorable mention -- PURPLE RAIN (1984): Apollonia has to purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. "That ain't Lake Minnetonka."

In the 80s, Sports Illustrated was sexier

Every year, the same old hub-bub: Sports Illustrated has a new edition of their annual swimsuit edition. Everyone goes crazy-insane for the latest half-naked photos of models we've never heard of before now.

But everyone remembers these names: Christie Brinkley, Kathy Ireland, Paulina Porizkova. And they didn't have to be nearly nude to get our attention (though that would have been fine too).

Here are your SI Swimsuit Cover Models for the 80s again. Just enjoy.

• 1980: Christie Brinkley
• 1981: Christie Brinkley
• 1982: Carol Alt
• 1983: Cheryl Tiegs
• 1984: Paulina Porizkova
• 1985: Paulina Porizkova
• 1986: Elle Macpherson
• 1987: Elle Macpherson
• 1988: Elle Macpherson
• 1989: Kathy Ireland

Want full size replicas of each cover? Click here to find copies for sale from Mo Publishing.

Cher and Tom Cruise were in love

That's the creepiest headline I've written in three years of doing Stuck in the 80s. But it's true -- at least if you believe Cher.

Doing the publicity rounds in advance of her new multimillion-dollar deal to work Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace, Cher told an interviewer that she and Tom Cruise dated for three years in the early 80s. The relationship only ended because Cruise moved to Chicago to film "The Color of Money."

At the time, Cher was 36; Cruise was 20.

"It was a long, long time ago and neither one of us ever talked about it and I don't know why," Cher said during one interview. "He didn't mention it and I didn't mention it."

[AP photo]

Are you a slave to love?

I'm not sure which is hotter: The original Bryan Ferry video (above) for "Slave to Love" or this video from "9 1/2 Weeks," which I dare not embed on the blog. ("John ... aren't you gonna ask how I like this?" .... "No.")

Stuck in the 80s is doing a podcast -- just in time for Valentine's Day -- on romance in the 80s. But I'm going to make a ruling that "9 1/2 Weeks" won't make the cut. It's sexy as all get-out. But it's equally creepy at times. And the only time romance and creepiness should mix is when co-host Sean Daly does his patented "hover move." (Not to be confused with the copyrighted "Hoover" move, which he does around Funyuns.)

But don't be surprised if Ferry's epic song makes the show. Because if you had to make the ultimate mix tape of love and/or sex songs from the 80s, that's on the top 5 of my list.

There goes my metal bikini fixation

The Eighties Revival may have officially died last night: A Wookie-like contestant on American Idol actually wore the infamous Princess Leia metal bikini during his audition.

For all 80s fans -- especially those of the humanoid, male variety -- the image of Carrie Fisher dressed as a slave girl for Jabba The Hutt is sacred to us. It's not to be mocked, satirized or even duplicated without great care and reverence.

When Jennifer Aniston indulged Ross on "Friends" and wore the metallic bikini during foreplay, we gave a polite golf-clap because it was a simple and effective nod to our fetish.

But on Tuesday night, when cheesesteak-enhanced Ben Harr dropped his robe to reveal our beloved Leia outfit, it was as if millions of voice cried out in terror and then were suddenly silenced. Judges Paula, Randy and Simon did the right thing: Ben was immediately exiled to the forest moon of Endor where a thousand Ewoks tore every strand of hair off his chest with their bare teeth.

Ben, you should have done your research first. There are entire websites dedicated to this cultural phenomenon. For example, go to Leia's Metal Bikini, which is the closest thing to porn that 80s fans can view safely on their work computers. There you will find photos of Fisher in costume (along with scores of other scantily clad females in similar outfits) and even buy the outfit for your own Leia at home. It's enough to make you go to the dark side of the force -- if only for 10 to 15 minutes of quiet, alone time.

The urban legend among 80s nerds, proudly including myself, is that in 1983's "Return of the Jedi," Fisher's bikini didn't fit nearly as snuggly as Harr's version. When she would recline back against Jabba, the top and bottom of the metal outfit would push out from her body, giving nearby film crew members an unobstructed view of her bare goodies.

Fisher didn't mind -- she bragged in interviews that "slept with some nerd" to get the role in the first place. "Some nerd!" And you wonder why I wear that term as a badge of honor. Whereas Ben Harr wears it as a punchline. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some more bikini browsing to do.

Where's the romance, Daniel-san?

When it comes to 80s movies, I'll admit: I like the standard formula. Insecure boy or girl has a huge crush on someone very popular and out of his or her league.

They strike an unlikely romance, someone gets beat up, they break up, and then back together for the big dance at the end.

But there's something about Karate Kid that doesn't feel right. (It's like seeing Ricardo Montalban with chest implants in Star Trek 2. Disturbing.)

You're telling me Elisabeth Shue sees something in scrawny little Ralph Macchio? I don't buy it. I put "Karate Kid" up with "Pretty In Pink" for unlikely romances in the 80s. (Third place: Maybe Gary getting Karen away from Rick in "Last American Virgin." At least he gets dumped again in the end. That's real life. I'm telling you -- I can't get enough of that movie. I'm gonna queue it up tonight.)

TOP 5 CREEPY LINES FROM KARATE KID:

• "I say, you do, no questions."
• "I learn plenty, yeah, I learned how to sand your decks maybe."
• "Excuse me, please. Boy cold. Must leave. Kindly remove bottles."
• "Wax on... wax off. Wax on... wax off."
• "Now you get your boy on the mat, or you and I will have a major problem."

Rebecca De Mornay: Time of your life, huh kid?

She's what every boy off the lakes wants: Rebecca De Mornay -- better known as "Lana" in 1983's "Risky Business" to us -- better really enjoy taking the train. That might be the only way she gets around after a recent arrest for driving under the influence of alcohol.

De Mornay was stopped in Beverly Hills the night before Halloween for a traffic violation when cops detected booze on her breath, according to reports by People magazine. Her blood alcohol level was 0.09, just slightly about the legal limit in California.

Unlike some of her acting peers, De Mornay was "very cooperative" while being arrested, reports say.

I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying just about every teenage male in the 80s had a "Rebecca De Mornay in handcuffs" fantasy going on at one point or another. She's easily one of the most fantasized girlfriends of the decade. Right up there with Kelly LeBrock from "Weird Science" and Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" (without all the bathroom weirdness).

But did you know De Mornay actually played a jailbird in one of her 80s flicks? Put the kids to bed early tonight and check out "And God Created Woman" from 1988. If you thought "Risky Business" was risque, you don't know De Mornay.

TOP FIVE REBECCA DE MORNAY FLICKS FROM THE 80s:

5. Runaway Train (1985): "Hold me. I don't want to die alone."

4. The Slugger's Wife (1985): Look for the cameo by  Steven Gustafson, Dennis Drew, and Jerome Augustyniak of 10,000 Maniacs. And try not to wince at the bad acting.

3. Feds (1988): "He's been trained for this since he was a sperm."

2. And God Created Woman (1988): I know that Vince Spano and Frank Langella really enjoyed this movie!

1. Risky Business (1983): "Are you ready for me ... Ralph?"

I'd just as soon kiss Carrie Fisher

Say what you like about Jabba the Hutt. He had a slight weight problem. He made a living in the black market. He slurred his words.

But the guy had an eye for beautiful women. And in 1983, he gave every teenage human boy in the 80s a gift: an enslaved Princess Leia in a gold metal bikini. The scene of a nearly nude Carrie Fisher in "Return of the Jedi" is probably responsible for more males entering puberty since the food fight scene in "Little Darlings."

Fischer, who turns 51 years old today, told Vanity Fair in a 1996 interview that she ended up getting the part in Star Wars because "I slept with some nerd."

"I hope it was George [Lucas]," she added, explaining to the interviewer that she was on too many drugs at the time to remember.

The popular story among Star Wars fans is that during filming of "Jedi," Fisher found that the metal bikini didn't really fit all that well. When she would recline back against Jabba, the top and bottom of the outfit would push out from her body, giving any nearby crew member a good view of her bare necessities. (I'm glad I didn't know this factoid back in '83 -- I think my testosterone levels would have surged beyond lethal levels.)

But our attraction to her goes way behind the slutty slave swimsuit. It's the titillating lines of dialog -- seemingly brushed with a tinge of innuendo. ("I'd just as soon kiss a wookie." "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" "Into the garbage shute, flyboy!")

These days, Fisher is staying busy with her writing novels ("Postcards from the Edge," "The Best Awful There Is") and has resumed her acting career. She is currently filming "The Women," a comedy flick with Bette Midler, Eva Mendes and Meg Ryan.

Bad boys: 'No other Val dude can touch me'

When it comes to villainous boyfriends, it's hard to top 80s movies for rich material. In fact, just take about any John Hughes movie and find the boy with the strangest names (Steff? Blaine? Hardy?). Or any character played by Rob Lowe (although he really hit his stride in the '90s). Voila! Instant boyfriend/villain.

Sometimes the true evil of a boyfriend is hidden behind the big, toothy grins ("Maverick," "Danny Noonan") or a beach-friendly mop of boyishly blond hair ("Tommy" and "Rick" -- talkin' about you here.)

So stick with me as I lay out...

THE TERRIBLE TEN: Worst movie boyfriends from the 80s

Heathers' "Jason Dean" (Christian Slater): Usually when your boyfriend starts offing your friends and plots to blow up the school, it's time to take a step back. "Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie."

About Last Night's "Danny Martin" (Rob Lowe): Who breaks up with Demi Moore on New Year's Eve to go back to dating married women with children? Apparently just Rob Lobe. "He is a better human being than that bitch on wheels you've got for a friend!"

Caddyshack's "Danny Noonan" (Michael O'Keefe): Looks helpless enough, but then ditches Maggie for Lacey Underall. OK, so maybe he's not that bad.

St. Elmo's Fire's "Alec Newbary" (Judd Nelson): Has sex with "nameless, faceless many" -- and says so to his girlfriend Leslie in front of an entire party. (And yet, somehow, former podcast co-host Cathy Wos thinks Rob Lowe is the most evil person in the movie.)

Some Kind of Wonderful's "Hardy Jenns" (Craig Sheffer): You can say that "Steff" from "Pretty in Pink" is the ultimate John Hughes villain, but I thought he was a semi-respectful boyfriend. Not so with Hardy. At least we're left to ponder if Duncan really does scramble his face. "Look, I'm perfectly willing to forget this. Okay? I see no reason in carrying this on any longer."

Top Gun's "Maverick" (Tom Cruise): Tries to seduce Kelly McGillis in a bathroom, shows up late for dinner -- unshowered -- after "boys day at the beach" and then leaves suddenly without clearing the dishes. I guess we know why Nicole Kidman isn't losing any sleep. "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous."

Arthur's "Arthur Bach" (Dudley Moore): Still one of the classic performances of any 80s comedies. Just set aside the fact that he's stewed when proposing to Susan and sleeps with hookers every night. "You're a hooker? Jesus, I forgot! I just thought I was doing GREAT with you!"

Footloose's "Chuck Cranston" (Jim Youngs): He can't decide who he like beating up more -- Kevin Bacon or Lori Singer. Then again, Kevin was dressing up like David Bowie. "I thought only pansies wore neckties."

Last American Virgin's "Rick" (Steve Antin): Gets Karen pregnant, dumps her long enough for Gary to pay for an abortion and then gets back together with her. If there's a poster-boy for this list, it's either Rick or it's...

Valley Girl's "Tommy" (Michael Bowen): Sorta the Al Pacino of movie badboys in the 80s. Why? Because after Julie dumps him, he has the infamous line: "Who else is there? No other Val dude can touch me. She must really be freaking out."

[Don't forget our "Naughty Nine" -- the most evil girlfriends from 80s movies.]

Top 20 guys movies from the 80s

Tonight is one of those rare nights when the stars align, the heavens open and for just a few precious hours, you get a peak at the universe's grand plan.

In other words, it's a guys-only party at the Stuck in the 80s woodland retreat. No wives (and no cell phones turned on so wives can't call), no rules, no napkins. Just cigars, Milwaukee's Best beer (for sentimental reasons), greasy food topped with cheese and cheese-flavored products and the best movies from the 80s we can find.

Here are some movies to consider if you are afforded the similar freedom anytime soon.

TOP 20 GUYS-ONLY MOVIES FROM THE 80s:

For the sports:

• Major League (1989): Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen. "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."
• Bull Durham (1988): Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins. "The rose goes in the front, big guy."
• Hoosiers (1986): Gene Hackman, Dennis Hopper. "Strap, God wants you on the floor."

For the blood:

• Die Hard (1988): Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."
• Scarface (1983): Al Pacino, Robert Loggia. "Every day above ground is a good day."
• Highlander (1986): Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery. "I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog, and I bid you good day."
• The Road Warrior (1981): Mel Gibson, Steve J. Spears (seriously, some guy the same name as me played "The Mechanic" in this flick): "I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war."

For the music:

• The Blues Brothers (1980): John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd. "Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children."
• Spinal Tap (1984): Michael McKean, Christopher Guest: "Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."

For the sex:

• Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold. "So what Jefferson was saying was "Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we'll just be bogus too." Yeah?"
• Porky's (1982): Dan Monahan, Wyatt Knight. "What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?"
• Risky Business (1983): Tom Cruise, Bronson Pinchot. "My daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?"

For the laughs:

• Night Shift (1982): Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton. "Corndog!"
• Back to School (1986): Rodney Dangerfield, Keith Gordon: "Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."
• Fletch (1985): Chevy Chase, Joe Don Baker. "Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there."
• Stripes (1983): Bill Murray, Harold Ramis. "We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world."

For the bonding:

• Fandango (1985): Kevin Costner, Judd Nelson. "Here's to us and the privileges of youth!"
• 48 Hours (1982): Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte. "I want the rest of you cowboys to know something, there's a new sheriff in town. And his name is Reggie Hammond. So y’all be cool. Right on."

For the drinking:

• Bachelor Party (1984): Tom Hanks, Adrian Zmed. "Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left."
• The Adventures of Bob and Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (1983): Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas. "If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you."

To Dr. Ruth, neither size nor age matters

Some anticlimactic (no pun intended) news: Dr. Ruth Westheimer is 79 years old today. You're probably thinking the same thing I am: Only 79? Wasn't she at least that old back in the '80s when she was doling out sex advice on radio and TV? I guess not.

The German-born psychosexual therapist started her radio show, "Sexually Speaking," back in September 1980. Originally only a 15-minute, taped program that aired once a week after midnight on a New York radio station, the show evolved into a nationwide show where sexually-confused listeners could call in their questions live. Many fans seemed more titillated by her heavily-accented pronunciations of frank words like "penis" and "vagina" than the actual advice itself.

As the '80s moved forward, her media empire would grow to encompass TV, newspapers, magazines, home video, computer software and even board games. (I won't tell you what you collect when you pass "go" in "Dr. Ruth's Game of Good Sex." But it's nice.)

These days, Dr. Ruth spends most of her time teaching at colleges, including NYU, Yale and Princeton, and running her private practice.

Check out her website for links to her "endorsed" bedroom products along with continuing tips for us all. (Example: Did you know May was National Masturbation Month. Give yourself a hand if you celebrated.)

Casual Sex with Lea Thompson!

Lea Thompson is 47 years old today! That means time is running out for me and her to ditch our spouses and flee to the Florida Keys where we'll spend the rest of lives swinging in hammocks, drinking Red Stripe beer and watching her old movies on DVD.

That's a fairly tall order, since she's married to Some Kind of Wonderful director Howard Deutch, and I'm married to Jennifer Jason Leigh. But Jennifer and Howie will understand. I mean, true love cannot be denied, right?

TOP 5 LEA THOMPSON MOVIES FROM THE '80s:
5. Space Camp (1986): "In space, anything is possible."
4. Casual Sex? (1988): "It was the early eighties, and sex was still a good way to meet new people."
3. Red Dawn (1984): "I'll never love anybody again!"
2. Back to the Future (1985): "That is your name, isn't it? Calvin Klein? It's written all over your underwear."
1. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987): "I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons then alone for the right."

(Now, I know a lot of people are going to scream and say, 'Where's 'All The Right Moves?' And you're right, great flick! But I can't stand to watch her and Tom Cruise naked together, especially after that falling out Tom and I had over Nicole. So I'm sticking with Space Camp for the No. 5 spot.)

An infamous figure passes

The Rev. Jerry Falwell died Tuesday at age 73. And I know we spend much of our time on this blog talking about the music and movies of the decade, but I'd be derelict in my duties if I didn't touch on Falwell's "contributions" to the '80s.

• He co-founded the Moral Majority in 1979, creating a conservative movement in politics that helped elect Ronald Reagan to the U.S. presidency.
• He supported the apartheid system of rule in South Africa and urged Christians to invest in the country when the rest of the world boycotted the white-minority government.
• And most famously, he crossed swords with Hustler publisher Larry Flynt over Hustler's parody ad in 1983 about Falwell's "first time" -- a fake Q&A describing Falwell having sex with his mother in an outhouse.

Falwell sued Flynt for libel and intentional infliction of emotional distress. While he was found innocent of libel, a jury did find Flynt guilty of the "emotional distress" charge. Ultimately, the U.S. Supreme Court would rule in 1988 that a public figure could not recover damages for emotional distress based on a satire or parody.

In 1997, the two public figures met face to face again on the Larry King Show (on the eve of the film premiere of "The People vs. Larry Flynt"). Click the link to read the full transcript, but my favorite exchange -- the one that I think epitomizes their difference is this exchange. Click the link below to continue.

Learning from Traci, Emilio and George

So Britney Spears made a mistake. We all do. I still remember the time I had two female friends give me a haircut so I'd look more New Wave-ish. They basically shaved the sides of my head. I looked like Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science or Matthew Broderick in Ladyhawke. It took a stylist $30 to get it back to normal afterward.

Maybe it's time for Britney to look to her Hollywood and pop peers from the 80s for advice on how to disavow a big mistake:

George Michael
Best known for: Shaking his denimed butt while singing "Faith."
Trying to live down: Repeatedly falling asleep stoned at the wheel.
His solution: Send your husband out to fetch some McDonalds.
Would it work for Britney: She's trying to work off the McDonalds now, it looks like.

Robin Givens
Best known for: co-star of "Head of the Class."
Trying to live down: marriage to heavyweight moron Mike Tyson
Her solution: Accuse him of spousal abuse on national TV ... with him sitting right next to her.
Would it work for Britney: Unless Kevin bit off a piece of her ear, probably not.

Lisa Bonet
Best known for: playing Denise Huxtable on "The Cosby Show."
Trying to live down: being fired by Cosby after appearing in sex scenes with Mickey Rourke in the film Angel Heart.
Her solution: Threatened legal action; ending up with her own show - A Different World.
Would it work for Britney: Her sex tape with K-Fed reportedly doesn't exist now, so she probably couldn't score more than a Pudding Pop from Cosby.

Traci Lords
Best known for: appearing in up to 100 adult films in the 80s.
Trying to live down: Only one of those films was made after she turned 18 years old. Oops.
Her solution: Gave up porn, went to acting school and starred in a series of B-movies and TV series.
Would it work for Britney: Maybe Britney should try singing and songwriting school first.

Emilio Estevez
Best known for: co-star of Breakfast Club, Repo Man, St. Elmo's Fire.
Trying to live down: short marriage to no-talent, American Idol shill Paula Abdul.
His solution: Converted acting career into directing career. His latest movie -- "Bobby," about the death of Robert F. Kennedy -- opened this month.
Would it work for Britney: I'm not sure anyone would trust her directing even a Pop-Tart commercial, but it's worth a try.

Reliving sex in the 80s

What do these movies have in common: Risky Business, Zapped, Porky's, Say Anything, 16 Candles, Last American Virgin? (Umm, that last one should be the dead giveaway). They're all coming-of-age flicks, and the 80s were stocked with films on the topic.

Some handle the topic better than others. For having such a zinger for a name, Last American Virgin probably handles the topic of first sex more sensitively (even realistically) than its competitors. And raise your hand if you cried at the ending. Gary! Chin up, lad. Karen had freaky eyebrows anyway.

And strangely enough, several of the movies also dealt with teenage abortion (Last American Virgin and Fast Times at Ridgemont High, for starters.) Would Hollywood dare to add an abortion clinic scene to today's comedies? Nyet! (By the way -- both movies came out the same summer -- one reason you only hear the Fast Times hype.)

Other movies, especially Porky's, turned virginity into a 90-minute joke. Some, like Vision Quest and Say Anything, played up the romance and turned the heat down on the actual sex. (And at least two of the movies include the time-honored rite of passage involving a ruler and "size" over substance.)

We're tackling these movies on this week's Stuck in the 80s podcast, so get ready for more Sean Daly's sob stories about teenage angst. And if you're nice and leave us comments, we'll share some of horribly awkward stories of first love with the audience. In the meantime....

Our top 5 coming-of-age films in the 80s:
5. Porky's: "All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!"
4. Can't Buy Me Love: "You have the nicest pair of rhododendrons in town!"
3. Vision Quest: "I'm just the victim of a screwed-up nitrogen imbalance. Plus, I think I've contracted priapism."
2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High: "Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?"
1. Last American Virgin: "Come to me, my big burrito!"

What movies are we forgetting?

(By the way, if you're check out this blog for the first time ... welcome! Stuck in the 80s is updated daily. We also have a podcast on iTunes under the same name. And if you really want to go nuts today, read our recent post about why we don't want Madonna's tour coming to our home town! I guess maybe we really are Stuck in the 80s...)

Forget Sharon. Here are some real sexy scenes

Sharon Stone uncrosses her legs a few times in Basic Instinct (and the sequel) and world stops rotating? Hot, but she wouldn't make the top sexiest moments in the 80s. And to prove it...

Top 10 sexiest film moments of the 80s:

10. Kevin Costner and Sean Young's limo ride in No Way Out (1987)
9. Shower scene in Dressed to Kill (1980)
8. Fun with food in 9 1/2 Weeks (1986)

7. The lobster dinner in Flashdance (1983)
6. Peter Gallagher with Daryl Hannah and Valerie Quennessen in Summer Lovers (1982).
5. Rob Lowe and Demi Moore spend half the movie naked in About Last Night (1986)

4. Kelly McGillis and Harrison Ford connect in Witness (1985)
3. Tom Hanks is nearly seduced by buxom pal in Bachelor Party (1984)

2. Phoebe Cates' topless fantasy scene in the classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Many people would love to see this scene in the top spot, but given the -- ahem -- awkward ending to it, I'm bumping it to No. 2 in favor of...

1. Joel meets Lana in Risky Business (1983): Some people prefer the "love on a real train" scene from this movie, but give me the initial introduction between the two characters any day. Wind blows open the door, leafs fly in, camera pans past boyhood photos. Excellent stuff. If only real life could be this exquisite.

What movies and scenes are missing from the list?

Kiss-and-tell 80s stories

The latest podcast episode of Stuck in the 80s is online. This week's topic -- making great mix tapes to woo the opposite sex. [Click to download] A little REO, some Styx, throw in Chicago and Christopher Cross, and you're in business. Hosts Steve and Sean share their favorite mix-tape songs, but more importantly, they share the awful, haunting, embarrassing and just plain pathetic personal stories behind each song.

I know, I know. We told you we were going to do Sci-Fi in the 80s this week. But we had some technical snafus. The plans for the Death Star were not in the main computer, Lord Vader.

But we think you'll like this particular episode even better anyway. What will we do next week? We're still debating it. What's your vote: A tribute to AC/DC or the great breakup songs from the 80s (along with our personal stories to show how horribly mean and/or lame we were)? We'll let you decide.