This is crazy ... this is crazy: Name the best pool scenes of the '80s

Holiday weekends here in the subtropic lands of Florida, home of Stuck in the '80s, mean one thing: Time to hit the pool.

But before Sean Daly and I squeeze into our matching lime green speedos and water-wings, we usually look for a little inspiration from our favorite '80s movies. And there's no shortage of material.

Of course, he and I differ on our favorite scenes. He leans toward Chevy Chase in the hotel pool with Christie Brinkley. But that's because the family man in him is a real life Clark Griswold. As a newly swinging bachelor (who am I kidding? I'm sitting home alone per usual watching VH1 Classic at 7 in the morning on a holiday), I like my pool scenes a little more R-rated.

So we want your suggestions: What were the definitive pool scenes from movies in the 1980s? Here are some that have to be on the list.

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): Phoebe Cates, fantasy scene or not, in a bikini is reason enough to stand up and salute the flag today. It also prompts the question that has haunted teenaged boys since the dawn of time: "Doesn't anybody f---ing" knock anymore?"

SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): Michael J. Fox gets taken out Jaws-style by his aunt/boss's wife. Decide for yourself which of those is creepier.

CADDYSHACK (1980): The unforgettable Caddy Day at Bushwood Country Club's pool. The synchronized swim -- to the tune of Waltz of the Flowers -- was often imitated in the '80s but never duplicated. Sad to say, though, everyone has tried the "Baby Ruth" trick since then.

RECKLESS (1984): Nobody gives this movie any credit. But you've never seen an erotic pool scene until you watch Daryl Hannah and Aidan Quinn in this high school flick written by Chris Columbus.

Okay, what scenes are we forgetting? Name your favorites.

Hurts so good: Best teen sex of the '80s

Teen sex -- what could be funnier? Maxim Magazine -- I only read it for the scholarly articles -- has published its list of the funniest sex comedy moments in movie history. And wouldn't you know it, the '80s dominated the list.

SIXTEEN CANDLES: So many scenes to choose from, but Maxim went with the "underwear exhibition" moment. (Pop quiz: How much did the freshmen have to pay to see Sam's panties?)

FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH: The greatest fantasy in Brad's life -- Phoebe Cates dropping her bikini top -- turns to his biggest moment of shame. (Hell, if Maxim was on the ball, they could do a whole list of "caught whacking" scenes.)

WEIRD SCIENCE: Gary and Wyatt -- jeans on -- get all clean with Lisa. "If you ever get the chance, shower with them. I did. Mmm, it's a mindscrambler. Hurts so good."

REVENGE OF THE NERDS: Louis refuses to remove his Darth Vader-ish mask when going zero-gravity with Betty in the carnival's Moon Walk attraction. (Hello, is there a rape counselor in the house?)

PORKY'S: Ah yes, the greatest six words in '80s comedy history: "Why do they call you Lassie?"

Maxim's non-'80s picks were good too: Road Trip, American Pie and Van Wilder. ("We bumped uglies. It was the best ten seconds ever. Ever!")

What other great '80s teen sex comedy moments are they forgetting?

Back to work, Gib!

Poor John Cusack. I finally know how he feels. See you again at Thanksgiving, "Nicollette."

On a somewhat related note, my long-vanished DVD copy of The Sure Thing was unearthed over the weekend (oddly enough while looking for my still-missing copy of Woody Allen's Manhattan).

This next part is a bit embarrassing. The Sure Thing was wedged between Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex and Last American Virgin, thus confirming everyone's worst fear: Yes, I do have an entire shelf of '80s sex movies in the Spears Lair.

While I get busy here at work dealing with this weekend's podcast and preparing for next week's surprise topic, here's a quickie top 5 list.

TOP 5 LINES FROM BIT CHARACTERS IN 'THE SURE THING':

5. "I had some more fried food for lunch. I know, I know, I shouldn't have had it but I just couldn't help myself. Do you think I lack self-discipline?"

4. "Hi, I'm Gary Cooper, but not the Gary Cooper that's dead."

3. "Thoughts raced through his mind. Did she really want him? What had he done to deserve this bounty? Does God exist? Who invented liquid soap and why?"

2. "I was in Paris once with my wife... boy am I glad she's dead."

1. "I hope you appreciate the magnitude of your impending good fortune."

She don't drink, don't smoke...

Shocking revelation: GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is actually the hottie reporter in Adam Ant's video for "Goody Two Shoes."

Sadly, that's highly unlikely, because Palin would have still been a teenager when the video for the 1982 song was shot. But click here to see the video again and tell me that I'm wrong.

Of course, since Palin herself is a child of the '80s, I'd like to think she's not even close to being a "goody two shoes."

TOP 5 'GOODY TWO SHOES' OF THE '80s:

5.  KIRK CAMERON: From "Growing Pains" teen-star to evangelist, Kirk's had an odd journey. (And we were disappointed to hear his ministry "The Way of the Master' wasn't the name of a new song by Depeche Mode.)

4. JERRY FALWELL: The late head of the Moral Majority attacked the very foundation of America in the '80s. Yep, Hustler Magazine.

3. TIPPER GORE: Yes, the co-founder of the Parents Music Resource Center (PMRC) is an obvious pick. That, Mrs. Gore, is an inconvenient truth.

2. PAULA HAWKINS: The only female senator to date from Florida served from 1981 to 1987. (Also a big Def Leppard fan.)

1. RONALD REAGAN: Ketchup isn't a vegetable, trees don't cause pollution and jelly beans aren't health food, Mr. President. Also, Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement!

World's most beloved sexual deviant?

You got to hand it - no pun intended - to Paul Reubens. Very few actors can survive arrests for public masturbation and child pornography and emerge triumphantly in today's celebrity-crazed world.

Such is the legacy of Pee-wee Herman, the greatest fictional character of the later half of the 20th century. (Yeah, I'm dissing you, Max Headroom, you techno-poser!)

Reubens was arrested in 1991 for masturbating in a Sarasota adult theater during a showing of "Nurse Nancy" (begging the question, what else do you do during a movie that stars "Sandra Scream?") and again in 2001 for an investigation into child pornography. But a little legal wrangling later, he reappeared nearly unscathed.

Reubens -- who turns 56 years old today -- is working again today as Pee-wee, with production of a movie version of "Pee-wee's Playhouse" already in the works and set for release next year.

TOP 5 MEDIA MOMENTS FOR PAUL REUBENS:

5. THE GONG SHOW: Don't ask me to explain what's happening in this 1976 clip. Just watch -- in horror.

4. BATMAN RETURNS: Reubens played the father of Danny DeVito's "Penguin" character in the 1992 stink-fest.

3. CRACK INFOMERCIAL: Don't wait for a punchline -- it's not coming.

2. CHEECH & CHONG: "I'm soooorry I took the money!"

1. TEQUILA: From "Pee-wee's Big Adventure." God bless, youtube.com

Let's play ... Master and Servant

Forgive me for posting another video online, but I can't get this song out of my head. You see, Fetish Con 2008 was just here in Tampa Bay over the weekend, and if Depeche Mode's "Master and Servant" isn't that convention's theme song, it damn well should be.

The annual trade show for the whips-and-chains crowd attracts thousands of kinksters every year with seminars titled "Pain for Pleasure," "Polyanarchy: Power Exchange in a Multi-Partnered Relationship" and "Wax Play: Hot Fun For Everyone." There even was a B&D wedding!

And of course, we have all the photos online at tampabay.com to chronicle the weekend. Click here to view there. I'm fairly sure they're safe for work.

Final parting thought: Is "Master and Servant" the ultimate song for the fetish scene? What about "Slave to Love" by Bryan Ferry? "Violent Love" by Oingo Boingo? Or even "Erotica" by Madonna? What obvious songs are we forgetting?

'My specialty is crustacean reproduction!'

Is there any sequel in the '80s more painful to watch than "Teen Wolf Too?"

Poor Jason Bateman. I hope he gets some sort of fat check every time this monstrosity from 1987 plays on cable TV. The original "Teen Wolf," starring Michael J. Fox, was pretty much a stinker itself, so how a second chapter was OK'd is beyond human comprehension.

Still, if you're forced to sit through "Too," you might as well make the best of it. Enjoy the soundtrack for starters, which features a pair of nice Oingo Boingo tunes among other 80s classics. Or do what I do: Focus on the interpersonal relationship tips that can be harvested from the movie.

TOP 5 PICK-UP LINES FROM TEEN WOLF TOO:

5. "You know, I was the science fair champion in the tri-county area."

4. "Biologically speaking, it's fascinating what's happening to you."

3. "Sooo... how's your boyfriend?"

2. "I'm a dog."

1. "My specialty is crustacean reproduction."

10 must-see movies for Dr. Ruth

Everyone's favorite "Sexually Speaking" therapist turns 80 years old today. And Dr. Ruth Westheimer is still going strong, nearly 30 years after her landmark radio program began in September 1980.

What's she up to these days? Last week, she attended the graduation ceremonies at Yale University and had her photo take with Paul McCartney. (Hey, Doc, Paul doesn't need sex advice, he needs marital advice.)

She's also lending her name and face to a website (drruth.com) that offers sexual help online -- much of it battery-operated (including her highly recommended Eroscillator, but there's no way I'm giving you a direct link on my family-friendly blog.)

Dr. Ruth wasn't available on radio in my hometown when I needed to learn the birds and bees. So I had to rely on Hollywood instead. Here's my birthday present to you, Doc.

TOP 10 COMING OF AGE FLICKS OF THE 80s:

10. ZAPPED (1982): Scott Baio, Willie Aames. 

9. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): Sean Jenn, Judge Reinhold.

8. MISCHIEF (1985): Doug McKeon, Kelly Preston.

7. LITTLE DARLINGS (1980): Tatum O'Neal, Kristy McNichol.

6. PORKY'S (1982): Dan Monahan, Kim Cattrall.

5. RISKY BUSINESS (1983): Tom Cruise, Rebecca De Mornay

4. LOSIN' IT (1983): Tom Cruise, Shelley Long.

3. PRIVATE LESSONS (1981): Sylvia Kristel, Howard Hesseman

2. MY TUTOR (1983): Caren Kaye, Matt Lattanzi

1. LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN (1982): Lawrence Monoson, Gary Diane Franklin

Mrs. Garrett still teaches "Facts of Life"

Actress Charlotte Rae -- aka "Mrs. Garrett" on "The Facts of Life" -- has a cameo appearance in Adam Sandler's upcoming movie, "You Don't Mess with the Zohan."

We all know Sandler loves the 80s and squeezes as much classic music into each of movies as possible. But if don't want to spoil the surprise of Mrs. Garrett's role -- or if you just prefer not to toss your breakfast -- please, read no further ...

Last warning ...

"We make love together," the 82-year-old Rae told AP Television this week. "On a table from one to 10, I rate him, 'Not bad.' "

"Zohan" is set for release on June 6. In it, the AP says, Sandler plays an horn-doggin' Israeli commando who goes undercover as a hair stylist. No word yet on if he's capable of doing the trend-setting "Blair" look.

[AP photo]

'This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!'

Many people in Florida say spring officially arrives when the pro baseball teams return for the Grapefruit League. Others figure the state fair or Plant City's infamous Strawberry Festival signals the beginning of the season.

Here at the Stuck in the 80s corporate headquarters, we use a different barometer to determine springtime -- when the poolwater is warm enough for skinny-dipping. And as of 6:13 p.m., Feb. 21, it's spring, baby, it's spring!

No, those weren't the Space Shuttle's sonic booms you heard last night. It was the sound of watery cannon balls echoing throughout northeast St. Petersburg.

Nobody appreciates a quick dip au natural like an '80s fan. Because, with due respect to the 1960s, the '80s are all about this wonderful hobby.

TOP 10 SKINNY-DIPPING SCENES FROM THE 80s:

10. SPLASH (1984): Daryl Hannah is a mermaid. You figure out the rest. "What you looking at? You never seen a guy who slept with a fish before?"

9. THE BLUE LAGOON (1980): Brooke Shield's timeless line: "You're always staring at my buppies!"

8. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982): Phoebe Cates isn't actually in the water, but who's complaining. "Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here."

7. SECRET OF MY SUCCESS (1987): Michael J. Fox is seduced by "Aunt Vera" (Margaret Whitton) to the tune of the "Jaws" theme. "What's my mother going to say? I've disgraced my whole family!"

6. COCOON (1985): Steve Guttenberg has a close encounter of the nude kind. "If this is foreplay I'm a dead man!"

5. SUMMER LOVERS (1982): Daryl Hannah (again!), Peter Gallagher and Valerie Quennessen prove three's company after all. "Making love to you is like riding a horse."

4. CHILDREN OF A LESSER GOD (1986): William Hurt and Marlee Matlin in the artsiest scene in this list. "Sarah... Sarah! I am falling... into the pool with you!"

3. BLAME IT ON RIO (1984): Michael Caine, you dirty dog. Michelle Johnson was old enough to be ... well, she was old enough. "You only live once, but it does help if you get to be young twice."

2. RECKLESS (1984): Daryl Hannah (hey you!) and Aidan Quinn hold impromptu swim team tryouts -- at midnight. "Forget it! I'm not that drunk... well, not yet!"

1. VACATION (1983): Chevy Chase and Christie Brinkley. No nudity, but great comedy. "It's too bad you're married... I'm in the mood for some fun!"

Honorable mention -- PURPLE RAIN (1984): Apollonia has to purify herself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. "That ain't Lake Minnetonka."