Lollygaggers! Ten irritating baseball movie lines

For those of us lucky enough to live in communities in which emotional and economical fates are tied to nine guys dressed in knickers, today marks the start of yet another season of Major League Baseball.

Or here in Tampa Bay -- home of the "No Longer the Devil Rays ... Just the Rays," we just call it "Five Months 'Til Football Season" Day.

To commemorate this festive occasion, Times pop critic Sean Daly, Times sports columnist Tom Jones and I have toiled to record a special "Baseball movies of the '80s" podcast for you on Stuck in the 80s. Click here to download it. Or click here to get all our shows for free delivered via iTunes.

In the meantime, here are 10 sure-fire ways to get your office into the spirit of the game today.

TEN WAYS TO IRRITATE COWORKERS WITH LINES FROM 80s BASEBALL MOVIES:

After being caught heaving in the office bathroom after last night's festivities: "It's okay, honey. I... I was just talking to the cornfield." (Field of Dreams)

When someone offers to go on a Starbucks run: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill. " (Major League)

After schooling someone at the department meeting: "You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club." (Bull Durham)

To the sandwich maker at the company cafeteria: "Pick me out a winner Bobby." (The Natural)

After forcing down the sandwich -- not made by anyone named Bobby for that matter: "You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?" (The Natural)

Anywhere but in the men's room: "The rose goes in the front, big guy." (Bull Durham)

Definitely no where near the men's room: "Big whop now. Big whop, Betsy; you tell me when." (Eight Men Out)

Use this one in there instead: "You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're p-ssing it away." (Bull Durham)

When the coworker from two cubicles over keeps sending you suggestive instant messages: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for." (The Natural)

To the jerk who used to date the coworker two cubicles over: "How's your wife and my kids?" (Major League)

When the boss calls you into the office after hearing those last two comments: "I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this sh-t at least you could've said you were from the Yankees." (Major League)

(Think you know baseball movies? Try this online quiz I wrote last week.)

"Wanna have a catch?" ... Baseball in the 80s

Thank the maker that Major League Baseball is about to start. I'm not sure I can handle any more televised basketball or hockey. And I've watched "Top Gun" so many times lately that even my TV remote has lost that lovin' feeling and thinks Maverick is dangerous.

But until that first pitch on opening day goes flying past somebody's noggin, we can derive a little preseason excitement from the baseball movies of the '80s, which not coincidentally is the subject of next week's podcast.

Times pop music critic Sean Daly and sports columnist Tom Jones will join the show to decide once and for all: Which was the best baseball movie of the 80s?

Which one would you pick? Here are some pros and cons:

THE NATURAL (1984)
Balls: Beautifully scored, featuring sublime performances by Robert Redford, Darren McGavin, Kim Bassinger, Wilford Brimley ("Don't you know I hate losin' to the Pirates?!?").
Strikes: Seeing Redford play an 18-year-old version of himself is creepy. And other story lines seem a bit hooky at times.
Favorite quote: "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for."

BULL DURHAM (1988)
Balls: Considered the most realistic movie made about the minor leagues (how many others can you name?); perhaps Kevin Costner's single-best film performance.
Strikes: Watching Tim Robbins pretend to be pitcher is painful; and listening to the never-ending, thick North Carolina accents is like taking a Nolan Ryan fastball to the forehead. (Note to Hollywood: I'd prefer the fastball next time. It'd ease my pain.)
Favorite quote: "The rose goes in the front, big guy."

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989)
Balls: Possibly the most quotable baseball movie of all time and featuring the best speech about baseball every conceived -- delivered by the always brilliant James Earl Jones ("It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again.")
Strikes: Is it really a baseball movie? Or just an excuse to see if every male you know cries like a baby at the ending? (Just say, "Dad ... wanna have a catch?" and here come the waterworks.)
Favorite quote: "Hey rookie! You were good."

EIGHT MEN OUT (1988)
Balls: Great ensemble cast featuring John Cusack as the tortured Bucky Weaver.
Strikes: Difficult storyline to follow unless you're already familiar with the 1919 World Series. Christopher Lloyd channels "Rev. Jim" from "Taxi" for his turn as "Bill Burns."
Favorite quote: "Those guys are all gone now."

MAJOR LEAGUE (1989)
Balls: Easily the funniest of the group, thanks to Bob Uecker ("Just a bit outside"), James Gammon as manager "Lou Brown" and "Wild Thing" Charlie Sheen.
Strikes: The Cleveland Indians as winners? Only in Hollywood.
Favorite quote: "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

So what's your pick? We'll read the best comments during the podcast.

The curse of the Puking Giants Fan

We're a mere hours away from the most over-hyped sporting event of the year, so it's time for Stuck in the 80s offer a prediction: Giants 39, Patriots 35.

I'm officially invoking the Ghosts of the 1986 Giants to seize the day. Anyone remember Super Bowl XXI? The Denver Broncos came into the game looking as good as they ever were. John Elway was in his prime. And what happened? Giants QB Phil Simms completes 88 percent of his passes, and coach Bill Parcells gets the first-ever Gatorade bath. Ah, happy days.

Truth be told, I'm neither a Giants or Patriots fan. The only reason I remember that Super Bowl is that I met a group of girls at the viewing party who were bored and we organized a little "Marco Polo" party down in the heated pool during the game's second half.

A fun and highly inappropriate time was had by all until one overzealous Giants fan barfed in the pool, forcing one giant "Fish Outta Water" exodus.

It was like the candybar in the pool scene from "Caddyshack" -- only the alcohol-engorged contents of this disaster spread like a renegade oil spill.

And people wonder why I'm stuck in the 80s. Write it down, Pats fans. The Ghost of the Puking Giants Fan will haunt your team today. And probably some nearby pool as well.

Top sports teams of the 80s

We're in the "Dead Zone" of the sports business right now. Meaningless hockey and NBA games (is there any other kind), no baseball and the Super Bowl is still more than a week away.

So what better time to discuss -- the most memorable championship teams of the 80s.

When you think of sports in the 80s, which players and teams come to mind? Joe Montana and the 49ers? The "Frig" and the Bears. Maybe even Kurt Gibson and the L.A. Dodgers? Which team deserves to be crowned as the "team of the 80s?"

Here are some options:

1985 CHICAGO BEARS: Despite losing that one game to the Miami Dolphins, the Bears were simply unstoppable that year. They had talent and charisma at every position (including the head coach). And the flattened the New England Patriots during the final game. (I watched it from my freshman dorm lounge with a frosty keg of beer sitting next to me. Good times.)

1986 NEW YORK METS: With 108 wins, the Mets should be remembered for being one of the dominant teams of the decade. Instead, they're remembered for Red Sox's Bill Buckner's error in Game 6. Either way, an unforgettable team.

EDMONTON OILERS and NEW YORK ISLANDERS: Each team took home the Stanley Cup four times during the 80s. How have they done since the 80s? Not so good. (Of course, the Oilers had the help of some guy named Wayne Gretzky.)

MIAMI HURRICANES: It pains me to write this, because they're the sworn enemy of my beloved Gators. But Miami won three national titles in the 80s. My favorite Miami memorable though: Watching Doug Flutie's "Hail Flutie" pass beat Miami 47-45 back in 1984.

Add your own teams and share your opinion: Who was the ultimate sports champion of the 80s?

[AP photo]

Bo knows ... that he's getting old

Two-way sports icon Bo Jackson turns 45 years old today. The 1985 Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University made a name in both baseball and football in the 80s. He was the first athlete to play in all-star games for two sports.

But it might be his commercials for which he's best remembered by casual 80s fans. His "Bo Knows" campaign for Nike in 1989 featured Jackson prevailing in golf, tennis, car racing, even luge with each sports star saying "Bo knows ...."

All except two notable names. Wayne Gretzky simply shakes his head and says "no" after Bo is featured on ice skates. (Actually, the commercial was filmed on a wooden floor, with Bo wearing socks. And Gretzky's simplified answer came after the commercial's director rejected The Great One's take on "Bo knows hockey.")

And blues master Bo Diddley gets the other laugh with "Bo don't know Diddley" after Jackson failed to master the guitar.

A hip replacement ended Jackson's sports career in the mid '90s, but he took the early retirement as a chance to return to Auburn and finish his college degree.

"God has his way of opening up our eyes to see reality," Jackson told ESPN during a SportsCentury profile. "The way He opened my eyes is to allow me to have this hip injury. That is a rough way to go, but I had to accept the fact."

They're not booing, they're going "Shuuu!"

Here in Florida, this man is still a god: Don Shula, former coach of the Miami Dolphins, on this day in 1981 recorded his 200th NFL victory.

These days though, if you Google "Don Shula," you're likely to come across the steakhouse that bears his name before any of the really meaty nuggets on his coaching career.

Shula was inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1997, but not before finishing with an NFL record 347 career victories as a coach. (He's followed by George Halas of the Bears at 324.) He led the Dolphins to two Super Bowl titles and -- so far -- the NFL's only undefeated regular season. (Knock on wood, Patriot-haters.)

Shula's back in the news these days, thanks to an odd comment he made to the press. To the New York Daily News, Shula suggested the Patriots, stinging from their "spygate" controversy, could have an asterisk by their record this year -- if they finished the year undefeated.

Way to put the jinx on New England, Coach Shula. We see you haven't lost your touch.

'I hate Tommy Lasorda!'

People say we don't talk enough sports here on Stuck in the 80s. We also don't do enough podcasts about cartoons. Or play enough new wave music. Or have enough female co-hosts. Well, fans, that's quite a list.

Here's my olive branch: Today's Fernando Valenzuela's birthday. Our favorite LA Dodger turns 47 today. Whoo-hoo!

Actually, when I think back to baseball in the 80s, all my memories are Dodgers-related. And I'm not even a Dodger fan:

• There's Valenzuela, of course, with his "lava lizard" windup. He pitched a hell of a year in '81, winning his first eight games with a 0.50 ERA.
• There's Kirk Gibson in '88, hobbling around the bases after his World Series homer for the Dodgers against the Athletics. Easily my favorite moment in baseball history.
• And of course, there's "Fletch." One of my favorite lines from the flick. "Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda?" (punches photo) "I hate Tommy Lasorda."

Tomorrow: I attempt to go 12 hours without quoting a Chevy Chase film. Of course, that goal is not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

Our sport, our field, our decade

High school football could have been king in the 80s. Seriously.

The best book ever written about it -- "Friday Night Lights" -- was published in 1989. (Why did it took so many years for it to make it to Hollywood and TV?)

And some of the best (and worst) movies ever about the sport were made in the 80s. The best one from any decade? I'll go with 2004's "Friday Night Lights" again, even though it's not nearly as good as the book or TV show -- how weird is that? And as much as I love to watch "Varsity Blues" every time it's on cable, it takes the title for least realistic sports movie since "Gus" -- the field-goal kicking mule. (Alas, it was made in '76.)

Now that the season is about to start again, how about a closer look at the best and worst of the bunch from the 80s.

THE BEST: All The Right Moves (1983)

Stars: Tom Cruise, Lea Thompson, Craig T. Nelson, Christopher Penn.

The plot: A football player and his coach look to escape the steel towns of Pennsylvania.

Realism factor: Aside from the fireworks going off when rival Walnut Heights scores a touchdown, I think it's fairly flawless. Craig Nelson is the embodiment of every high school coach I've ever met (he would of course later go on to prove this again in TV's "Coach.") And yeah, Tom, that WAS pass interference! Next time, go for the ball.

Favorite line: "You're not god, Nickerson. You're just a typing teacher."

THE WORST: Wildcats (1986)

Stars: Goldie Hawn, Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson, Nipsey Russell, Bruce McGill.

The plot: A female track coach accepts her dream job -- head football coach ... at the worst school in the city.

Realism factor: The female coach is possibly the only realistic angle to the entire movie. Otherwise, you have players break-dancing on the field (that's 15 yards unsportsmanlike conduct), profanity during the plays (another 15 yards and possible ejection) and a 400-pound player jumping high enough to block a field goal. (No flag, but come on!)

Favorite line: "If you're going to shake my hand, I'd rather do you did that before you checked his jock."

THE GUILTY PLEASURE: The Best of Times (1986)

Stars: Robin Williams, Kurt Russell.

The plot: Two men seek to turn their lives (and the fortune of their town) around by replaying an important game from their high school days.

Realism factor: You wouldn't ask how realistic "Field of Dreams" is, would you? Same deal here. Just enjoy the shot at redemption (and secretly wish it could happen to you as well.)

Favorite line: "I was lucky." "No Jack, you were due."

'No one can believe the superhuman strength of Thunderlips!'

Terrence Gene Bollea -- better known as Hulk Hogan -- turns 54 years old today. Truth be told, I was never a huge (or even small) pro wrestling fan. So the first time I even saw Hogan was when he played the wrestler "Thunder Lips" in Rocky 3.

I'd love to wax on (or wax off) poetically for another 2,000 words about Hulk's legacy in pro wrestling, but I'd just be pointing out my hideous shortcoming of knowledge on the subject. So instead...

Top 5 favorite wrestlers in 80s movies:
5. Toru Tanaka: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (1985), Volunteers (1985), The Running Man (1987), Black Rain (1989)
4. Terry "The Funker" Funk: Over the Top (1987), Roadhouse (1989)
3. Jesse "The Body" Ventura: Predator (1987), The Running Man (1987)
2. Andre the Giant: Princess Bride (1987), Conan the Destroyer (1984)
1. Rowdy Roddy Piper:  Hell Comes to Frogtown (1987), Body Slam (1987), They Live (1988)

Top 20 guys movies from the 80s

Tonight is one of those rare nights when the stars align, the heavens open and for just a few precious hours, you get a peak at the universe's grand plan.

In other words, it's a guys-only party at the Stuck in the 80s woodland retreat. No wives (and no cell phones turned on so wives can't call), no rules, no napkins. Just cigars, Milwaukee's Best beer (for sentimental reasons), greasy food topped with cheese and cheese-flavored products and the best movies from the 80s we can find.

Here are some movies to consider if you are afforded the similar freedom anytime soon.

TOP 20 GUYS-ONLY MOVIES FROM THE 80s:

For the sports:

• Major League (1989): Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen. "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."
• Bull Durham (1988): Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins. "The rose goes in the front, big guy."
• Hoosiers (1986): Gene Hackman, Dennis Hopper. "Strap, God wants you on the floor."

For the blood:

• Die Hard (1988): Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."
• Scarface (1983): Al Pacino, Robert Loggia. "Every day above ground is a good day."
• Highlander (1986): Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery. "I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog, and I bid you good day."
• The Road Warrior (1981): Mel Gibson, Steve J. Spears (seriously, some guy the same name as me played "The Mechanic" in this flick): "I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war."

For the music:

• The Blues Brothers (1980): John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd. "Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children."
• Spinal Tap (1984): Michael McKean, Christopher Guest: "Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."

For the sex:

• Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold. "So what Jefferson was saying was "Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we'll just be bogus too." Yeah?"
• Porky's (1982): Dan Monahan, Wyatt Knight. "What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?"
• Risky Business (1983): Tom Cruise, Bronson Pinchot. "My daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?"

For the laughs:

• Night Shift (1982): Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton. "Corndog!"
• Back to School (1986): Rodney Dangerfield, Keith Gordon: "Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."
• Fletch (1985): Chevy Chase, Joe Don Baker. "Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there."
• Stripes (1983): Bill Murray, Harold Ramis. "We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world."

For the bonding:

• Fandango (1985): Kevin Costner, Judd Nelson. "Here's to us and the privileges of youth!"
• 48 Hours (1982): Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte. "I want the rest of you cowboys to know something, there's a new sheriff in town. And his name is Reggie Hammond. So y’all be cool. Right on."

For the drinking:

• Bachelor Party (1984): Tom Hanks, Adrian Zmed. "Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left."
• The Adventures of Bob and Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (1983): Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas. "If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you."

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is 60?

Yep, our favorite full-time hoops star and part-time actor turns 60 years old on Monday. Kareem appears as co-pilot Roger Murdock in the 1980 movie Airplane, but he wasn't the first pick to play the role. Actually, Pete Rose was, but they couldn't work production into Rose's schedule.

Instead, Kareem picked up  a $35,000 paycheck for his appearance. (He asked for that amount specifically because there was a rug at that same price he really wanted to buy.)

All-time favorite scene from Airplane:

Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Roger Murdock: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.

Joey: You are Kareem. I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.

Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now Joey. Right Clarence?

Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.

Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.

Roger Murdock: The hell I don't. Listen kid. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.

Best baseball flicks in the 80s? Say it ain't so

Major League Baseball's spring training is back in business here in Florida. That essentially means thousands of locals and tourists alike are getting their first sunburns of the season while quaffing down $6 beers and squealing "Jeeeeter! Jeeeeeter!" every time a certain Yankees infielder runs within 50 yards of the stands. (The sunburn and concession tab are far less painful.)

But if there's anything more obnoxious than transplanted Yankee fans, it's the people who insist that no decent baseball movies were made after 1973's Bang the Drum Slowly. The 80s, my pinstriped-wearing lemmings, are home to five of the most entertaining baseball movies ever put to film. Some more profound, others more comic. But never dull.

And so we give you a special Top 5 list today: Five favorite quotes from each of our five favorite baseball movies of the 80s. "And when you speak of me, speak well." ...

MAJOR LEAGUE (1989):

• "You put snot on the ball?"
• "I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this sh-t at least you could've said you were from the Yankees."
• "JUST a bit outside."
• "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."
• "Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill."

FIELD OF DREAMS (1989):

• "How about this: Peace, love, dope! Now get the hell out of here!"
• "This field, this game: it's a part of our past, Ray. It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again."
• "This is my corn. You people are guests in my corn."
• "Hey rookie! You were good."
• "Hey, Dad. ... You wanna have a catch?"

BULL DURHAM (1988):

• "I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball."
• "Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche."
• "Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic."
• "The rose goes in the front, big guy."
• "I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

THE NATURAL (1984):

• "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for."
• "Fowler's killing worms, Pop."
• "You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?"
• "Red, it took me sixteen years to get here. You play me, and I'll give ya the best I got."
• "Pick me out a winner Bobby."

EIGHT MEN OUT (1988):

• "Sports writers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your bar privileges."
• "Everybody's got their own way of letting off steam, Ring. It's what you do on the field that counts."
• "Shoeless Joe is ignorant; Hap Felsch is just dumb."
• "Say it ain't so, Joe. Say it ain't so."
• "Those fellas are all gone now."

[Source: IMDB.com]

Johnny Mac's 48? You cannot be serious!

Tennis legend John McEnroe was a defining sports figure of the 80s. His legendary matches with Bjorn Borg -- the ones they always show on TV during rain delays at Wimbledon -- began the 80s. He spent more than 150 weeks at the top of the tennis world's rankings. And when he retired from the professional tour in 1992, he had won a staggering seven Grand Slam singles titles and 10 Grand Slam doubles titles.

In 1984, I was in England as part of a summer school abroad trip and managed to snag a grounds pass to Wimbledon. McEnroe was playing a doubles match on Centre Court -- off limits to anyone carrying my meager admission ticket -- but I managed to slink around long enough to find a vantage point to catch a couple points.

A few months ago, I was interviewing McEnroe's wife -- Patty Smyth of Scandal -- and when the topic turned briefly to her husband, I confessed that I idolized his career as much as her own and even told her how I sneaked in to see him play. She told me that a lot of fans come up to him and relate similar tales. One guy even confessed years later to stealing one of McEnroe's beloved wooden tennis racket.

His reaction? "I don't even know what to say to you," McEnroe shrugged before walking off. Probably not the dream meeting the fan had envisioned. But vintage Johnny Mac.

McEnroe turns 48 years old today, but he hasn't slowed down much. He has written his autobiography ("You Cannot Be Serious"), hosted a short-lived talk show on CNBC, owns a SoHo art gallery, works as a TV commentator at the major tournaments and still plays on the senior circuit.

We're gonna party like the score is 19-9

Big news: Our favorite 80s funk star, Prince, is handling the halftime entertainment chores at February's Super Bowl in Miami. Finally, a halftime we'll actually watch.

Unfortunately, with his Jehovah's Witness beliefs, Prince is disavowing his kinky-but-entertaining tunes like Darling Nikki. But we've written a short script for Prince, just in case he'd like help from his older fans.

Scene 1: The stadium lights go out as the game reaches halftime. The score: Dallas 34, Indianapolis 0. (Peyton Manning still looks a little woozy in the pocket; he was spotted drinking Jager shots off Gloria Estefan's belly on South Beach at 4 a.m.)

Scene 2: Prince steps onto stage wearing a Minnesota Wild hockey jersey, oblivious that this is actually a football game. He greets the audience with a shy smile and a hand gesture that looks obscene. (Later he'll explain that it was a Buddhist symbol for rainbows.)

Scene 3: He launches into a ripping rendition of "Let's Go Crazy." Football commentator John Madden, trying to dance along in the TV studio, falls and sprains his gluteus maximus. His handlers decide Madden is unable to do his halftime analysis, and a grateful nation of fans rejoices.

Final scene: Mariah Carey makes a surprise appearance for a duet of "The Beautiful Ones." In a bizarre wardrobe malfunction, Prince rips off Mariah's top to reveal .... gasp .... the L.A. Lakers basketball jersey that Chevy Chase wore in Fletch! Doesn't anyone in the music biz understand sports?

To be fair, Super Bowl halftime shows were awful in the 80s:

• 1980: Up With People's Salute to the Big Band Era
• 1981: Southern University Band
• 1982: Up With People Salute to the '60s and Motown
• 1983: Los Angeles Super Drill Team
• 1984: University of Florida and Florida State bands
• 1985: U.S. Air Force Band
• 1986: Up With People's Beat of the Future
• 1987: Southern California high school drill teams salute to Hollywood
• 1988: Chubby Checker and the Rockettes
• 1989: South Florida area dancers salute to Snoopy

Have fun, Prince. And just be relieved that the bar for success has been set so low.

Pigskin in the 80s

The high school football season officially began last night here in Florida, where we like our games to be played in steamy, mosquito-infested swamplands during hurricane-like rain storms. Since I'm a football referee in my spare time, I'm spending today bleaching the blood and mud stains out of my knickers.

Back in the 80s, there was a slew of great movies involving high school football. So perhaps I'll spend some time between spin cycles enjoying these classics.

Best 80s movies about high school football:

Lucas (1986): OK, it's not a great movie. Not even a good movie. And the idea that Corey Haim is athletic enough to play football (except maybe Maddon '06) is comic. But man ... there aren't a lot of 80s movies to choose from. "I guess everybody has their own idea of fun. Some people go to football games. Other people do less superficial things."

Johnny Be Good (1988): Anthony Michael Hall goes from Farmer Ted to America's hottest high school QB recruit. The late, great Paul Gleason plays his coach. And Robert Downey Jr. gives off the first warning signs that he's a drug-crazed lunatic. Oh, and Uma Thurman makes her big-screen debut as Hall's girlfriend. In between, there's about 4 minutes of actual football action.

Wildcats (1986): So you didn't buy Paul Gleason as a coach? Try Goldie Hawn. I'm not going to pretend for a moment that she knows what she's saying, but add early roles for Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson and Mykelti Williamson, and we're finally on the right page of the playbook.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Some would say this is a movie about malls and sex. Hell no! It's about about the big game between Ridgemont High vs. Lincoln High -- "and I know we're going to destroy Lincoln tonight ... all riiiight?" Thanks to bone-crushing Charles Jefferson (Forest Whitaker), who takes out a half dozen opposing players in comic fashion, the home team wins. (Podcast)

The Best of Times (1986): Robin Williams plays a man haunted by his failure in high school to catch the would-be winning touchdown pass. So he and pal Kurt Russell get their rivals to agree to rematch 14 years later. I'm in tears when it's over.

All The Right Moves (1983): In AmPipe, Pennsylvania, nothing is more important than football and beating rival Walnut Heights (not Walnut Grove -- that'd be Little House on the Prairie). The best movie when it comes to overall action and realism. Tom Cruise bawls out the coach (Craig T. Nelson, in a preview of his "Coach" TV series) and sees his future go up in smoke. Wow, Tom, a real foreshadowing of your movie career there.

How I almost killed Emmitt Smith

Emmitt Smith, who turns 37 today, almost never had a chance to become the NFL's leading rusher ... because I nearly killed him one day back in 1988 in Gainesville, Fla.

(Bear with me if you're not big football fans out there.)

Smith, who was one of the most recruited running backs coming out of high school in the late 80s, committed to the University of Florida during my sophomore year. On national signing day, my entire fraternity sat around the living room, listening on the campus radio station to the news conference where Smith was choosing between playing for Florida or Auburn University. When he said "Florida," we kicked off a party that lasted two days. (We didn't need a reason to do this, but we thank Emmitt for giving us one anyway).

The following year, I was driving through campus trying to race back to my job at the student newspaper. Classes ended hours earlier and the streets were empty, so I took my eyes off the road to fiddle with the radio. Suddenly, I looked up and noticed the entire Florida Gator football team running across the street from the stadium to the practice field. I slammed on the brakes and skidded to a stop. The closest player was inches in front of me. He reached out, puts his hands on the hood of my Mustang and glared at me.

Yup, it was Emmitt.

Seeing I was adequately rattled, he broke into a grin, wagged a friendly finger at me and ran off to practice. I sat there in my car for another minute, watching straggling players cross the street and waiting for my blood pressure to return to normal. It was my only encounter with Emmitt on campus. He went on to become Florida's leading rusher and a future NFL Hall of Famer. I on the other hand ... well, I'm not sure there's any hall of fame that'd take me.

Happy birthday, Emmitt. Thanks for the memories. Glad those car brakes worked.