A few good questions about GTMO

Jeff in Cuba returns again as guest-blogger, this time taking timeout from his busy schedule of shipping contraband cigars to his podcasting friends to answer these burning questions.

One of the occupational hazards of working in Guantanamo Bay is answering questions about A Few Good Men. I really shouldn’t be surprised; before the orange jumpsuit crowd showed up, Aaron Sorkin’s 1989 (and that would be your ever-so-tenuous '80s connection) play and subsequent 1992 movie was all most people knew about the nation's oldest overseas military installation. So on the off chance that you were wondering (or just have 10 minutes to kill), here are my favorite A Few Good Men queries:

Are the Marines in GTMO as fanatical as Jack Nicholson’s megalomaniacal Col. Nathan Jessup, or Keifer Sutherland’s jack-booted 1st Lt. Jonathan Kendrick?

The men and women of the Marine Corps Security Force Company are the finest people you will ever meet. They are polite and friendly, exactly the type of folks you want to see across the neighborhood poker table, or on the sidelines of your kid's soccer game. But they are very much United States Marines. If you were to climb to the top of any of the observation posts that ring the base, you would find a deadly serious young man with a gaze locked on the Cuban territory within his sector. How do they maintain this focus, even when there's no longer a credible military threat from across the fence? Look at it this way: The same discipline that allows a Marine in Iraq to act like nothing's going on when his life is in danger is the discipline that allows a Marine in GTMO to act like his life is in danger when there’s nothing going on.

Top Gun sequel? Crash and burn, Mav...

How come every time Tom Cruise makes the news, everyone's immediate reaction is to wince and say something along the lines of ... "Oh, no, no, for the love of Joel Goodsen and all that's holy, NOOOOOO!"

Here goes: Tom Cruise is in talks with Hollywood studios to produce and star in a sequel to 1986's "Top Gun." (Somewhere, Val Kilmer just awoke suddenly in bed and screamed out in horror -- though that could be because he hasn't made a decent movie in 10 years.)

News is just leaking out on the Web that Cruise would reprise his role as "Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell," this time playing a flight instructor at the Navy's "Top Gun" school. But instead of tangling with Kelly "Charlie" McGillis, he must come to grips with a cocky female pilot.

Well, at least the plot sounds realistic. But if that pilot is played by Katie Holmes, I will seriously disavow the '80s and go tend sheep in the Greek isles ... and try to live out my "Summer Lovers" fetish.

If this remake must be made though...

TOP 5 PLOT POINTS FOR TOP GUN SEQUEL:

5. Miley Cyrus as the female pilot maybe? No, go with Mia Sara as the female pilot ... because she and Cruise worked SO well together 1985's "Legend." (OK, she's 40 years old, but she's also well-rested.)

4. Terri Nunn and Berlin are enlisted to offer up another classic song for the love theme. They pick "Sex," because the lyrics are very romantic. ("I'm a man. I'm a Geisha. I'm a little girl -- and we make love together!")   

3. In a cruel twist of much-needed irony, Nicole Kidman plays Maverick's soon-to-be ex-wife. ("Take me to bed ... or lose half your assets" becomes the new catchphrase.)

2. Meg Ryan, widow of the late, great "Goose," returns as the manager of the Navy base's bar/beach volleyball court. Motto: No shirt, no shoes, no problem.

1. Stunning revelation: The young pilot, with whom he is romantically attached, is actually his secret love-child with "Charlie."

You really are unsafe, Maverick!

'Happy birthday ... Ralph'

When it comes to Tom Cruise, there really isn't much left unsaid about our Once-Golden Boy of the 80s.

You can celebrate 25 years of "Risky Business," but then cringe when he jumps on Oprah's couch and acts like a twit. You can marvel at his second-banana skills in "Rainman," and then turn away in dismay when he berates a TV news anchor during an interview. And you can focus with all your might and remember that once upon a time, even Cruise's bad movies were still pretty damn good.

Cruise turns 46 years old today. As is tradition, I'll be celebrating by watching "All The Right Moves" on DVD for 12 straight hours. ("In your face, Walnut Heights!") It's the creepy sorta celebration only Tom could appreciate.

TOP 10 CREEPIEST LINES BY TOM CRUISE:

10. "I'm gonna go take a celebration p-ss." (Rainman)

9. "I'm willing to start at the bottom." (Cocktail)

8. "Hey, Brian, Dungeons and Dragons game tonight?" (Taps)

7. "Uh, my name isn't really Ralph." (Risky Business)

6. "I think I'll go embarrass myself with Goose." (Top Gun)

5. "I took Lily to see the unicorn... " (Legend)

4. "She was dead on top of the gearshift." (Losin' It)

3. "Hate to tell you this buddy, but you have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something." (The Outsiders)

2. "Jesus, this guy's good!" (Top Gun)

1. "When it came right down to it, I just wasn't attracted to her." (Risky Business)

Falling stars of the 80s

Madonna masquerading as a stripper. Gary Coleman on "Divorce Court." George Michaels cruising the public park bathrooms. Mel Gibson picking fights with the police -- and his liver. Tom Cruise picking fights with -- pretty much the entire civilized world. And let's not even bring up the sins of Pee Wee Herman and Jeffrey Jones.

It's an ugly world out there sometimes, 80s fans.

This is a list I'd hoped we wouldn't have to put together, but the timing seems appropriate. Tell us this: Who are the '80s stars you're most ashamed of these days?

You could make your picks based on problems with the law, substance abuse, fights with other celebs or just really bad cosmetic surgery decisions. Submit as many as you want, but try to rank them whenever possible. Later, we'll unveil the ultimate Hall of Shame list.

Here are some others that come to mind:

MADONNA: She's 49 years old, going on 19. And she still wants to dress like a peep-show girl turned dominatrix. And puleeze! For all that is holy, stop talking with a British accent.

SEAN YOUNG: The glory days are all over for the co-star of "No Way Out," "Cousins" and "Blade Runner." She needs to use a breath-a-lizer now before attending awards dinners.

TOM CRUISE: Yo, Tom, you only "starred" in a movie about Vietnam. So stop acting like you have some battleground syndrome and act like a normal person again. Or at least take your shoes if you want to jump on couches.

PAULA ABDUL: I really don't want to be a cold-hearted snake here. I feel for Paula -- I can't make it through an episode of "American Idol" without drinking heavily either.

A six-pack for St. Patty's Day

On this lovely St. Patrick's Day, the official holiday of the 80s, allow me to make a toast:

May your big-screen TV never break down on TBS's Big 80s Weekend, especially during "Red Dawn." May your old VHS player never eat the only copy of "Compromising Positions" left in the world. May you never be ashamed to do the "Thriller" dance alone at the office Christmas party. And more importantly, may your 80s heroes never grow old.

Lastly, may you never forget to raise your glass when one of these movies comes on.

A SIX-PACK OF THE GREATEST DRINKING MOVIES OF THE 80s:

6. ABOUT LAST NIGHT: (1986) Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Jim Belushi. What they're drinking: Beer, straight from the keg. "Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?"

5. MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982): Peter O'Toole, Mark Linn-Baker. What they're drinking: Anything you can put in a flask. "Ladies are unwell ... Gentlemen vomit."

4. COCKTAIL (1988): Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown. What they're drinking: Red Eye, beer, frothy rum drinks. "Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone!"

3. STRANGE BREW (1983): Dave Thomas, Rick Moranis. What they're drinking: A "two-four" of Elsinore Beer. "This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?"

2. ARTHUR (1981): Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli. What they're drinking: Martinis, scotch. "I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up? "

1. BARFLY (1987): Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway. What they're drinking: Everything. "Listen, I drink. And when I drink, I move in the wrong direction... "

Outside the 80s: Beer Fest, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Leaving Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Animal House, Old School, Bad Santa, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, Casablanca, The Legend of Drunken Master, Baseketball.

Top Gun tunes: a target-rich environment

There's some enduring quality to Top Gun. I just can't leave it alone on the blog.

Maybe it's because it's on TV about 30 times a day (seriously -- I watched it start to finish twice yesterday). Maybe it's the great quotable lines. It could even be the "not that there's anything wrong with that" volleyball scene. (Well, no, it can't be that.)

Or maybe it's just got a killer soundtrack that keeps us hooked throughout the entire film.

But what are the best and worst tunes of Top Gun? Here's my ranking of them -- from best to worst -- in playable format:

That's right ... Iceman ... I am dangerous

"Top Gun" is on TV these days more than the year it first buzzed the tower at theaters. I consider this movie a "target-rich environment" for quoting at nonsensical times during my workday.

My coworkers, on the other hand, are ready to go "Cougar" on me and turn in their wings. (Which is fine, because that gives me my dream shot -- Miramar!) I'll pulled no less than a "4-g negative dive" today at the office, bringing up memorable lines more lines than Iceman waxes that flattop of his. (God bless, Val Kilmer.)

I know what you're thinking: How can I irritate my friends and coworkers in similar fashion? I'm here to help.

TOP 10 TOP GUN LINES TO RECITE TO ANNOY COWORKERS:

10. Swilling down Starbucks on the way in from the parking lot: "I feel the need ... the need for speed." (Or, if you're already caffeinated enough, "Time to kick the tires and light the fires!")

9. When coming in the office door: "Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees."

8. When your boss asks you to do something: "That's a negative, Ghost rider, the pattern is full."

7. When seeing your friend in the restroom: "Hey Goose, you big stud!" (Or, if you're feeling daring, "Great balls of fire!")

6. After that three-martini lunch to nobody in particular: "I flew with your old man. VF-51, the Oriskany. You're a lot like he was. Only better... and worse."

5. When passing off an assignment to a subordinate: "If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogs--t out of Hong Kong!"

4. On spotting targets at Happy Hour after work: "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns."

3. What to tell your wingman at Happy Hour after switching to guns: "Do not fire until fired upon."

2. What you tell yourself when your ATM won't cough up more cash: "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."

1. And whenever you get the chance: "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

Cher and Tom Cruise were in love

That's the creepiest headline I've written in three years of doing Stuck in the 80s. But it's true -- at least if you believe Cher.

Doing the publicity rounds in advance of her new multimillion-dollar deal to work Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace, Cher told an interviewer that she and Tom Cruise dated for three years in the early 80s. The relationship only ended because Cruise moved to Chicago to film "The Color of Money."

At the time, Cher was 36; Cruise was 20.

"It was a long, long time ago and neither one of us ever talked about it and I don't know why," Cher said during one interview. "He didn't mention it and I didn't mention it."

[AP photo]

Most quotable movie lines: The top 20

They're lines you've said a million times -- and will say a million times more. Repeated so often that -- admit it -- you sometimes forget what movie they came from.

Welcome to the final 20 quotes from our epic 80 Most Quotable Movie Lines of the 80s list. They're not the greatest lines from 80s movies -- just the ones that you've quoted the most over the years.

(Click here to see Nos. 21-40, 41-60, 61-80.)

Today's big winner: Fan favorites "Caddyshack" and "Top Gun" -- easily two of the most quoted movies of the last 27 years.

But there are some mind-benders in here as well, including everyone's favorite line from one of John Cusack's most obscure movies.

Enjoy the list. Leave some feedback at the end. Check out the other 60 lines linked above, and always remember ... well, "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you."

80 MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE LINES OF THE 80s: The Top 20

20. "Take me to bed or lose me forever." (Top Gun)

19. "Corn dog!" (Night Shift)

18. "Khhaaaaan!" (Star Trek 2)

17. "Demented and sad, but social." (Breakfast Club)

16. "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you." (Top Gun)

15. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!" (Caddyshack)

14. "I pity the fool." (Rocky 3)

13. "Bueller?...Bueller?" (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

12."Heeeerrrre's Johnny!" (The Shining)

11. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)

10. "Wax on, wax off." (Karate Kid)

9. "I'll be back" (The Terminator)

8. "Shall we play a game?" (War Games)

7. They're heeere." (Poltergeist)

6. "I must break you!" (Rocky 4)

And the top 5...

5. "Game over, man, game over!" (Aliens): Bill Paxton's bit role in a largely forgettable movie gives him a line for the ages. (And surely a great sound clip for shutting down your computer.)

4. "Be the ball" (Caddyshack): Chevy Chase could have a top 80 list of his very own. But his "Be the ball" advice to Danny in Caddyshack now is a standard piece of advice during any friendly sporting event. ("Where did it land?" "Right in the lumberyard.")

3.  "Yippee Ki-yay, motherf@#$%!!" (Die Hard): Bruce Willis, you dirty dog -- this line can't enjoy its full impact on a family-friendly blog. And I nearly cried when he resurrected it for "Live Free or Die Hard."

2.  "I want my two dollars!" (Better Off Dead): You remember the line, but probably not the character's or actor's full name. (It was "Johnny Gasparini" played by Demian Slade, whose only other memorable role was Frankie Avalon's son in 1987's "Back to the Beach.)

1. "Say hello to my little friend!" (Scarface): The "f-word" is repeated more than 200 times in the 1983 movie, but it's this "little" line by Al Pacino that people always imitate. Why? Because it can be used a hundred different ways -- including as a punchline on a popular gnome t-shirt.

There we are. Let the debate start. What lines are over-hyped? What lines did we leave out?

Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner?

The word out of Hollywood is that Tom Cruise is at the top of the list to portray Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner in an upcoming bio-pic.

The Celebrity News Service quotes as insider as saying, "Tom knows of Hugh's colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen. He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too."

This is shocking news. No, not that Tom wants to play Hefner. But that a "Celebrity News Service" actually exists.

Seriously though, is anyone really going to green-light Tom playing that role? If he does, I'll have to re-arrange the following list.

TOP FIVE MOST UNREALISTIC PERFORMANCES BY TOM CRUISE

5. Losin' It (1983): Jackie Earle Haley makes this a great movie. Cruise and Shelley Long transform it into an average one.

4. Legend (1985): If the Lord of Darkness wants to kill unicorns, Tom Cruise isn't the guy I'm sending in there to make things right.

3. The Firm (1993): You can dress him down and muss up his hair, but you still can't buy into Cruise as John Grisham's hero.

2. Far and Away (1992) and Days of Thunder (1990): Cruise and Nicole Kidman on screen together is pretty painful -- even without the fake Irish accents or NASCAR driving.

1. Mr. Katie Holmes: Happy first anniversary, Tom and Katie. Now will someone please step forward and tell us it's all a big practical joke.