Falling stars of the 80s

Madonna masquerading as a stripper. Gary Coleman on "Divorce Court." George Michaels cruising the public park bathrooms. Mel Gibson picking fights with the police -- and his liver. Tom Cruise picking fights with -- pretty much the entire civilized world. And let's not even bring up the sins of Pee Wee Herman and Jeffrey Jones.

It's an ugly world out there sometimes, 80s fans.

This is a list I'd hoped we wouldn't have to put together, but the timing seems appropriate. Tell us this: Who are the '80s stars you're most ashamed of these days?

You could make your picks based on problems with the law, substance abuse, fights with other celebs or just really bad cosmetic surgery decisions. Submit as many as you want, but try to rank them whenever possible. Later, we'll unveil the ultimate Hall of Shame list.

Here are some others that come to mind:

MADONNA: She's 49 years old, going on 19. And she still wants to dress like a peep-show girl turned dominatrix. And puleeze! For all that is holy, stop talking with a British accent.

SEAN YOUNG: The glory days are all over for the co-star of "No Way Out," "Cousins" and "Blade Runner." She needs to use a breath-a-lizer now before attending awards dinners.

TOM CRUISE: Yo, Tom, you only "starred" in a movie about Vietnam. So stop acting like you have some battleground syndrome and act like a normal person again. Or at least take your shoes if you want to jump on couches.

PAULA ABDUL: I really don't want to be a cold-hearted snake here. I feel for Paula -- I can't make it through an episode of "American Idol" without drinking heavily either.

A six-pack for St. Patty's Day

On this lovely St. Patrick's Day, the official holiday of the 80s, allow me to make a toast:

May your big-screen TV never break down on TBS's Big 80s Weekend, especially during "Red Dawn." May your old VHS player never eat the only copy of "Compromising Positions" left in the world. May you never be ashamed to do the "Thriller" dance alone at the office Christmas party. And more importantly, may your 80s heroes never grow old.

Lastly, may you never forget to raise your glass when one of these movies comes on.

A SIX-PACK OF THE GREATEST DRINKING MOVIES OF THE 80s:

6. ABOUT LAST NIGHT: (1986) Demi Moore, Rob Lowe, Jim Belushi. What they're drinking: Beer, straight from the keg. "Oh, aren't we a couple of sluts?"

5. MY FAVORITE YEAR (1982): Peter O'Toole, Mark Linn-Baker. What they're drinking: Anything you can put in a flask. "Ladies are unwell ... Gentlemen vomit."

4. COCKTAIL (1988): Tom Cruise, Bryan Brown. What they're drinking: Red Eye, beer, frothy rum drinks. "Beer is for breakfast around here. Drink or be gone!"

3. STRANGE BREW (1983): Dave Thomas, Rick Moranis. What they're drinking: A "two-four" of Elsinore Beer. "This movie was shot in 3B - three beers - and it looks good, eh?"

2. ARTHUR (1981): Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli. What they're drinking: Martinis, scotch. "I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up? "

1. BARFLY (1987): Mickey Rourke, Faye Dunaway. What they're drinking: Everything. "Listen, I drink. And when I drink, I move in the wrong direction... "

Outside the 80s: Beer Fest, 40-Year-Old Virgin, Leaving Las Vegas, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Animal House, Old School, Bad Santa, Sideways, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, Casablanca, The Legend of Drunken Master, Baseketball.

Top Gun tunes: a target-rich environment

There's some enduring quality to Top Gun. I just can't leave it alone on the blog.

Maybe it's because it's on TV about 30 times a day (seriously -- I watched it start to finish twice yesterday). Maybe it's the great quotable lines. It could even be the "not that there's anything wrong with that" volleyball scene. (Well, no, it can't be that.)

Or maybe it's just got a killer soundtrack that keeps us hooked throughout the entire film.

But what are the best and worst tunes of Top Gun? Here's my ranking of them -- from best to worst -- in playable format:

That's right ... Iceman ... I am dangerous

"Top Gun" is on TV these days more than the year it first buzzed the tower at theaters. I consider this movie a "target-rich environment" for quoting at nonsensical times during my workday.

My coworkers, on the other hand, are ready to go "Cougar" on me and turn in their wings. (Which is fine, because that gives me my dream shot -- Miramar!) I'll pulled no less than a "4-g negative dive" today at the office, bringing up memorable lines more lines than Iceman waxes that flattop of his. (God bless, Val Kilmer.)

I know what you're thinking: How can I irritate my friends and coworkers in similar fashion? I'm here to help.

TOP 10 TOP GUN LINES TO RECITE TO ANNOY COWORKERS:

10. Swilling down Starbucks on the way in from the parking lot: "I feel the need ... the need for speed." (Or, if you're already caffeinated enough, "Time to kick the tires and light the fires!")

9. When coming in the office door: "Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees."

8. When your boss asks you to do something: "That's a negative, Ghost rider, the pattern is full."

7. When seeing your friend in the restroom: "Hey Goose, you big stud!" (Or, if you're feeling daring, "Great balls of fire!")

6. After that three-martini lunch to nobody in particular: "I flew with your old man. VF-51, the Oriskany. You're a lot like he was. Only better... and worse."

5. When passing off an assignment to a subordinate: "If you screw up just this much, you'll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogs--t out of Hong Kong!"

4. On spotting targets at Happy Hour after work: "Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns."

3. What to tell your wingman at Happy Hour after switching to guns: "Do not fire until fired upon."

2. What you tell yourself when your ATM won't cough up more cash: "Son, your ego is writing checks your body can't cash."

1. And whenever you get the chance: "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

Cher and Tom Cruise were in love

That's the creepiest headline I've written in three years of doing Stuck in the 80s. But it's true -- at least if you believe Cher.

Doing the publicity rounds in advance of her new multimillion-dollar deal to work Las Vegas' Caesar's Palace, Cher told an interviewer that she and Tom Cruise dated for three years in the early 80s. The relationship only ended because Cruise moved to Chicago to film "The Color of Money."

At the time, Cher was 36; Cruise was 20.

"It was a long, long time ago and neither one of us ever talked about it and I don't know why," Cher said during one interview. "He didn't mention it and I didn't mention it."

[AP photo]

Most quotable movie lines: The top 20

They're lines you've said a million times -- and will say a million times more. Repeated so often that -- admit it -- you sometimes forget what movie they came from.

Welcome to the final 20 quotes from our epic 80 Most Quotable Movie Lines of the 80s list. They're not the greatest lines from 80s movies -- just the ones that you've quoted the most over the years.

(Click here to see Nos. 21-40, 41-60, 61-80.)

Today's big winner: Fan favorites "Caddyshack" and "Top Gun" -- easily two of the most quoted movies of the last 27 years.

But there are some mind-benders in here as well, including everyone's favorite line from one of John Cusack's most obscure movies.

Enjoy the list. Leave some feedback at the end. Check out the other 60 lines linked above, and always remember ... well, "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you."

80 MOST QUOTABLE MOVIE LINES OF THE 80s: The Top 20

20. "Take me to bed or lose me forever." (Top Gun)

19. "Corn dog!" (Night Shift)

18. "Khhaaaaan!" (Star Trek 2)

17. "Demented and sad, but social." (Breakfast Club)

16. "I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you." (Top Gun)

15. "Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!" (Caddyshack)

14. "I pity the fool." (Rocky 3)

13. "Bueller?...Bueller?" (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

12."Heeeerrrre's Johnny!" (The Shining)

11. "Go ahead, make my day." (Sudden Impact)

10. "Wax on, wax off." (Karate Kid)

9. "I'll be back" (The Terminator)

8. "Shall we play a game?" (War Games)

7. They're heeere." (Poltergeist)

6. "I must break you!" (Rocky 4)

And the top 5...

5. "Game over, man, game over!" (Aliens): Bill Paxton's bit role in a largely forgettable movie gives him a line for the ages. (And surely a great sound clip for shutting down your computer.)

4. "Be the ball" (Caddyshack): Chevy Chase could have a top 80 list of his very own. But his "Be the ball" advice to Danny in Caddyshack now is a standard piece of advice during any friendly sporting event. ("Where did it land?" "Right in the lumberyard.")

3.  "Yippee Ki-yay, motherf@#$%!!" (Die Hard): Bruce Willis, you dirty dog -- this line can't enjoy its full impact on a family-friendly blog. And I nearly cried when he resurrected it for "Live Free or Die Hard."

2.  "I want my two dollars!" (Better Off Dead): You remember the line, but probably not the character's or actor's full name. (It was "Johnny Gasparini" played by Demian Slade, whose only other memorable role was Frankie Avalon's son in 1987's "Back to the Beach.)

1. "Say hello to my little friend!" (Scarface): The "f-word" is repeated more than 200 times in the 1983 movie, but it's this "little" line by Al Pacino that people always imitate. Why? Because it can be used a hundred different ways -- including as a punchline on a popular gnome t-shirt.

There we are. Let the debate start. What lines are over-hyped? What lines did we leave out?

Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner?

The word out of Hollywood is that Tom Cruise is at the top of the list to portray Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner in an upcoming bio-pic.

The Celebrity News Service quotes as insider as saying, "Tom knows of Hugh's colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen. He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too."

This is shocking news. No, not that Tom wants to play Hefner. But that a "Celebrity News Service" actually exists.

Seriously though, is anyone really going to green-light Tom playing that role? If he does, I'll have to re-arrange the following list.

TOP FIVE MOST UNREALISTIC PERFORMANCES BY TOM CRUISE

5. Losin' It (1983): Jackie Earle Haley makes this a great movie. Cruise and Shelley Long transform it into an average one.

4. Legend (1985): If the Lord of Darkness wants to kill unicorns, Tom Cruise isn't the guy I'm sending in there to make things right.

3. The Firm (1993): You can dress him down and muss up his hair, but you still can't buy into Cruise as John Grisham's hero.

2. Far and Away (1992) and Days of Thunder (1990): Cruise and Nicole Kidman on screen together is pretty painful -- even without the fake Irish accents or NASCAR driving.

1. Mr. Katie Holmes: Happy first anniversary, Tom and Katie. Now will someone please step forward and tell us it's all a big practical joke.

Tom Cruise: the world's last barman poet

Tom Cruise has been such an easy target for so long. He's like Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Pete Doherty all wrapped up in one, alien-worshiping body. But there's one person out there in the Blogosphere who still "gets" Tom -- and it's Reel Girl (aka Caroline Kepnes on E! Online)

I'm pretty sure Reel Girl is the one who got away. The girl I once had a great date with back in the late 80s, but then we lost each other's numbers, and then she filed a restraining order, moved away and then I grew back my mustache. Tragic circumstances have kept us apart too long.

But today, I found her again. And Reel Girl has -- dare I say -- a classic post on her blog today: The Absolute Best Things Tom Cruise Has Ever Done. Check it out now. I'll wait ...

Are there 80s projects on her list? (Does Mickey Rourke have a drinking problem?) Hell yeah! And while I hope she's kidding about watching "Cocktail" on an endless loop (nah, I'd do it too), I think the list is pure genius.

And to answer her question, what other projects has Tommy Boy done that are absolutely great? Here are some that didn't make her list:

Without Limits (producer): A rare, non-80s entry. But this 1998 bio-pic about long-distance runner Steve Prefontaine (starring Billy Crudup) is one of the best movies that never saw the inside of a movie theater.

Taps: "It's beautiful, man!" You said it, Tom.

Risky Business: "My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?" Tom probably goes to sleep each night, thanking God he got this movie part.

Rain Man: "That man right there is my brother and if he doesn't get to watch 'People's Court' in about 30 seconds, he's gonna throw a fit right here on your porch. Now you can help me or you can stand there and watch it happen." The most under-rated role in his career.

A Few Good Men: "Is the colonel's underwear a matter of national security?"

Reel Girl, take me to bed or lose me forever!

Future's so bright for these shades

One of the ultimate symbols of the 80s, Ran-Ban sunglasses are making a comeback in the fashion world.

One prominent men's fashion publication, DNR Magazine, recently named the sunglasses as its "Retro Comeback of the Summer." Ray-Ban has even re-released its vintage "Wayfarer" style for its 2007 Spring/Summer line.

Though Ray-Bans had been around since the 1930s, they became the glasses of choice in the 80s for Tom Cruise, Elvis Costello and Morrissey. These days they're likely to be worn by celebrities including Drew Barrymore, Kate Moss and Chloe Sevigny.

"Summer 2007 has seen the comeback of the black, thick-framed Original Wayfarers on celebrities and hipsters alike," Newsweek International recently reported. "If this keeps up, fanny packs and scrunchies will be back in style next summer."

Want ultimate proof that they're cool again? People are making viral videos about them on Youtube. Check out this incredible video.

Meanwhile, here's the unofficial Stuck in the 80s betting guide for fashion comebacks:

Fashion statement / Odds of a comeback
Legwarmers: Already back
Rubberbands: 2 to 1
Blue Eyeshadow: 5 to 1
Feathered hair: 10 to 1
Stonewashed jeans: 50 to 1
Parachute pants: 100 to 1
Rhinestone gloves: 1,000,000 to 1

Odds that former Times TV critic Chase Squires' 80s hair-dye job and OP shirt fashion will come back in style: None.

Our sport, our field, our decade

High school football could have been king in the 80s. Seriously.

The best book ever written about it -- "Friday Night Lights" -- was published in 1989. (Why did it took so many years for it to make it to Hollywood and TV?)

And some of the best (and worst) movies ever about the sport were made in the 80s. The best one from any decade? I'll go with 2004's "Friday Night Lights" again, even though it's not nearly as good as the book or TV show -- how weird is that? And as much as I love to watch "Varsity Blues" every time it's on cable, it takes the title for least realistic sports movie since "Gus" -- the field-goal kicking mule. (Alas, it was made in '76.)

Now that the season is about to start again, how about a closer look at the best and worst of the bunch from the 80s.

THE BEST: All The Right Moves (1983)

Stars: Tom Cruise, Lea Thompson, Craig T. Nelson, Christopher Penn.

The plot: A football player and his coach look to escape the steel towns of Pennsylvania.

Realism factor: Aside from the fireworks going off when rival Walnut Heights scores a touchdown, I think it's fairly flawless. Craig Nelson is the embodiment of every high school coach I've ever met (he would of course later go on to prove this again in TV's "Coach.") And yeah, Tom, that WAS pass interference! Next time, go for the ball.

Favorite line: "You're not god, Nickerson. You're just a typing teacher."

THE WORST: Wildcats (1986)

Stars: Goldie Hawn, Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson, Nipsey Russell, Bruce McGill.

The plot: A female track coach accepts her dream job -- head football coach ... at the worst school in the city.

Realism factor: The female coach is possibly the only realistic angle to the entire movie. Otherwise, you have players break-dancing on the field (that's 15 yards unsportsmanlike conduct), profanity during the plays (another 15 yards and possible ejection) and a 400-pound player jumping high enough to block a field goal. (No flag, but come on!)

Favorite line: "If you're going to shake my hand, I'd rather do you did that before you checked his jock."

THE GUILTY PLEASURE: The Best of Times (1986)

Stars: Robin Williams, Kurt Russell.

The plot: Two men seek to turn their lives (and the fortune of their town) around by replaying an important game from their high school days.

Realism factor: You wouldn't ask how realistic "Field of Dreams" is, would you? Same deal here. Just enjoy the shot at redemption (and secretly wish it could happen to you as well.)

Favorite line: "I was lucky." "No Jack, you were due."

Where no Scientologist has gone before...

Rumor has it that our long-lost Tom Cruise is considering a cameo as Capt. Christopher Pike in the new Star Trek movie. (Count to 10 now and let that set in. And remember in space, no one can hear you scream.)

As all Trekkies know, Pike was James T. Kirk's predecessor as captain of the Enterprise and was the main character on the unaired pilot of the show. Pike also appears in the episode entitled "The Menagerie."

Personally, I'd rather see Cruise play "Klingon #3" -- the one who gets blown in the vacuum of space in the first two minutes of the film. But I guess that's not a good use of the studio's money.

Would Cruise's appearance in a Star Trek film help or hurt the franchise? It's not like the TV series or movies were over-populated with Oscar-nominated thespians before, so he'd lift the level of acting. But given his odd behavior lately, it can only be a distraction. As my favorite blogger -- "What Would Tyler Durden Do" -- says:

"... You're asking for trouble to put Tom Cruise's scientology lovin' ass on a spaceship.   You'll yell action, he'll see some lasers, think it's the rapture and start killing everyone."

Maybe Tom Cruise really is a Nazi

I always knew Tom Cruise was a Nazi. Sure, they tried to convince us he was just a Scientologist, but that was just to frighten us before the shocking truth was revealed.

And I suppose you actually believe this photo is from the set of his new movie "Valkyrie," about a German colonel executed during WWII for plotting against Adolf Hitler. Me? I'm pretty sure that was Cruise's wedding day outfit that was stolen by a tabloid when he slept late in his coffin one day.

If you look at his movies though, the clues are all there -- hidden in his dialog.

10 movie lines from Tom Cruise that prove he's a Nazi:

• "What? I should only kill people after I get to know them?" (Collateral, 2004)
• "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" (Magnolia, 1999)
• "I won't let you get rid of me." (Jerry Maguire, 1996)
• "Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately and so shall we." (Interview with the Vampire, 1994)
• "So this is what a courtroom looks like." (A Few Good Men, 1992)
• "I - I killed some - people; I made some terrible - mistakes!" (Born on the Fourth of July 1989)
• "If the government trusts me, maybe you could." (Top Gun, 1986)
• "We didn't quit, you quit!" (All The Right Moves, 1983)
• "My life is ruined." (Ricky Business 1983)
• "I saw my duty, and I did it." (Taps, 1981)

'Time of your life, huh kid?'

Tom Cruise wasn't born on the Fourth of July, but he was pretty close. Tuesday, July 3, marks Cruise's 45th birthday. And let's hope the additional year brings some additional wisdom.

Ole Tommy Boy has had a rough go of it lately, what with feuding with network anchors over psychiatry, jumping up and down on Oprah's couch, and don't even get me started about his unusual baby birthing practices. His latest Mission Impossible 3 installment suffered at the box office as legions of fans began turning on him. A whole country -- Germany -- even considered banning him from shooting there because of his beliefs in Scientology, which is considered a cult there in many circles.

As much fun as Tom is as a punching bag (karma, right?), it's sad when you remember he was once box office gold. And actually, he was more than that, because ...

All You Need to Know in Life, You Can Learn from a Tom Cruise '80s Movie:

"You have to wear clothes to work. There's a law or something." (The Outsiders, 1983)

"If the government trusts me, maybe you could." (Top Gun 1986)

"College women can smell ignorance... like dog s--t." (Risky Business, 1983)

"I think maybe the money's what's throwing you off." (The Color of Money 1986)

"Sometimes you just gotta say, 'What the f--k, make your move.' " (Risky Business, 1983)

"It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word. (Risky Business, 1983)

"Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, you life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours." (Cocktail 1988)

"You don't have time to think up there. If you think, you're dead." (Top Gun 1986)

"All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end." (Cocktail 1988)

"All airlines have crashed at one time or another, that doesn't mean that they are not safe." (Rainman 1988)

Blog battle: Patriotic movies of the '80s

Are you ready for a red, white and bruisin'? Fantastic, because St. Petersburg Times film critic Steve Persall and I squaring off over the best patriotic movies of the 1980s.

First, a confession: I proudly let Persall's reviews guide almost all my movie-ticket buying decisions, with only a couple notable differences. I'll see any John Cusack, Cameron Crowe or Star Trek movie -- no matter how bad a review he gives them. In fact, I'll be spending July 4 in front of the TV, watching my "Elizabethtown" and "Say Anything" DVDs back to back all day, sobbing onto a big plate of mini corndogs.

But today, all bets are off. We've agreed ahead of time to pick different movies, but no matter how much he intellectualizes the themes of his weepy choices, I think my Commie-bashing, red-blooded approach will win you over.

STUCK IN THE 80's TOP 5 PATRIOTIC MOVIES OF THE 80s:

5. First Blood (1982): Mopey Vietnam vet ... moody townies ... blood-gushing violence ... Stallone almost intelligible. A classic, right? "Company leader to Raven! Rambo! Acknowledge!"

4. Platoon (1986): The acting opus for not only Charlie Sheen, but also Willem Dafoe (though you gotta love him in "Streets of Fire") and Tom Berenger. Plus "Johnny Drama" from "Entourage"? That's the real right stuff. "Feelin' good's good enough."

  3. Top Gun (1986): Remember when Tom Cruise made movies you wanted to watch? Nothing like a bunch of ego-swelled Navy pilots, sweating their asses off, "communicating" with MiG pilots ("Yes, I know 'the bird,' Goose...") to get your pride on. Through in a little Kelly McGillis, some Kenny Loggins and Berlin and it's blast-off time.  "That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous."

2. Iron Eagle (1986): Hear me out on this one. Louis Gossett Jr. as "Chappy Sinclair" -- classic -- leading a teenager in a jet to the Middle East to rescue his father? But some campy dialog and a monster soundtrack, featuring Queen's "One Vision" and Twister Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It," and you have Masterpiece Theater for the 80s.

1. Red Dawn (1984): I love this one because it truly happened. Yeah, I pretty much figure the Russians and Cubans invaded America back in '84 during those couple weeks when I couldn't tear myself away from my Atari 2600. (I had to get my Asteriods on.) But think about it: Patrick Swayze, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Grey, Lea Thompson, Charlie Sheen and Harry Dean Stanton? Don't tell me you're not sobbing at the end during the closing narration ... "In the early days of World War 3, guerillas - mostly children - placed the names of their lost upon this rock. They fought here alone and gave up their lives, so that this nation should not perish from the earth."

Now, my take on Persall's picks:

• Born on the Fourth of July: Essentially just a dramatic version of Forrest Gump. Seriously. Think about it.
• Glory: Matthew Broderick's stiffest acting performance -- ever. (Yeah, including "Project X.")
• The Right Stuff: Great soundtrack surrounding two-plus hours of urination and enema jokes.
• Good Morning Vietnam: Your basic Robin Williams stand-up performance in fatigues. (I'd have picked "Moscow on the Hudson" instead, but I guess Persall's a closet commie.)
  
• Rocky 4: It's got communists, boxing, steroids, Stallone. Oh my, he may have me on this pick.

So there you go. Remember to read Persall's blog and then leave us comments and let us know how we did. And remember, when it comes to patriotism, Persall's ego is writing checks his body can't cash!

Top 20 guys movies from the 80s

Tonight is one of those rare nights when the stars align, the heavens open and for just a few precious hours, you get a peak at the universe's grand plan.

In other words, it's a guys-only party at the Stuck in the 80s woodland retreat. No wives (and no cell phones turned on so wives can't call), no rules, no napkins. Just cigars, Milwaukee's Best beer (for sentimental reasons), greasy food topped with cheese and cheese-flavored products and the best movies from the 80s we can find.

Here are some movies to consider if you are afforded the similar freedom anytime soon.

TOP 20 GUYS-ONLY MOVIES FROM THE 80s:

For the sports:

• Major League (1989): Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen. "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."
• Bull Durham (1988): Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins. "The rose goes in the front, big guy."
• Hoosiers (1986): Gene Hackman, Dennis Hopper. "Strap, God wants you on the floor."

For the blood:

• Die Hard (1988): Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman. "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."
• Scarface (1983): Al Pacino, Robert Loggia. "Every day above ground is a good day."
• Highlander (1986): Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery. "I apologize for calling your wife a bloated warthog, and I bid you good day."
• The Road Warrior (1981): Mel Gibson, Steve J. Spears (seriously, some guy the same name as me played "The Mechanic" in this flick): "I am gravely disappointed. Again you have made me unleash my dogs of war."

For the music:

• The Blues Brothers (1980): John Belushi, Dan Aykroyd. "Your women. I want to buy your women. The little girl, your daughters... sell them to me. Sell me your children."
• Spinal Tap (1984): Michael McKean, Christopher Guest: "Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful."

For the sex:

• Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982): Sean Penn, Judge Reinhold. "So what Jefferson was saying was "Hey! You know, we left this England place because it was bogus. So if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we'll just be bogus too." Yeah?"
• Porky's (1982): Dan Monahan, Wyatt Knight. "What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?"
• Risky Business (1983): Tom Cruise, Bronson Pinchot. "My daddy used to spank my bare bottom. Now he's gone. Will you take his place?"

For the laughs:

• Night Shift (1982): Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton. "Corndog!"
• Back to School (1986): Rodney Dangerfield, Keith Gordon: "Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow."
• Fletch (1985): Chevy Chase, Joe Don Baker. "Do you have the Beatles' White Album? Never mind, just get me a glass of hot fat. And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia while you're out there."
• Stripes (1983): Bill Murray, Harold Ramis. "We're all very different people. We're not Watusi, we're not Spartans, we're Americans. With a capital "A", huh? And you know what that means? Do you? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world."

For the bonding:

• Fandango (1985): Kevin Costner, Judd Nelson. "Here's to us and the privileges of youth!"
• 48 Hours (1982): Eddie Murphy, Nick Nolte. "I want the rest of you cowboys to know something, there's a new sheriff in town. And his name is Reggie Hammond. So y’all be cool. Right on."

For the drinking:

• Bachelor Party (1984): Tom Hanks, Adrian Zmed. "Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left."
• The Adventures of Bob and Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (1983): Rick Moranis, Dave Thomas. "If I didn't have puke breath, I'd kiss you."

Casual Sex with Lea Thompson!

Lea Thompson is 47 years old today! That means time is running out for me and her to ditch our spouses and flee to the Florida Keys where we'll spend the rest of lives swinging in hammocks, drinking Red Stripe beer and watching her old movies on DVD.

That's a fairly tall order, since she's married to Some Kind of Wonderful director Howard Deutch, and I'm married to Jennifer Jason Leigh. But Jennifer and Howie will understand. I mean, true love cannot be denied, right?

TOP 5 LEA THOMPSON MOVIES FROM THE '80s:
5. Space Camp (1986): "In space, anything is possible."
4. Casual Sex? (1988): "It was the early eighties, and sex was still a good way to meet new people."
3. Red Dawn (1984): "I'll never love anybody again!"
2. Back to the Future (1985): "That is your name, isn't it? Calvin Klein? It's written all over your underwear."
1. Some Kind of Wonderful (1987): "I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons then alone for the right."

(Now, I know a lot of people are going to scream and say, 'Where's 'All The Right Moves?' And you're right, great flick! But I can't stand to watch her and Tom Cruise naked together, especially after that falling out Tom and I had over Nicole. So I'm sticking with Space Camp for the No. 5 spot.)

'Be good' (just not great): Name some overrated movies

I'm catching a lot of grief for my blanket statement in this week's podcast that I'd rather watch Red Dawn a hundred times than sit through another viewing of Jaws. (And in complete disclosure, I'm probably halfway to that goal already.)  I'm not backing down. But it got me to thinking:

What are the most overrated movies of the 80s?

It's time to compile another list. And as always, I want your help. Leave me a comment with your suggestions on the most overrated movies of our favorite decade. In a week or so, I'll provide an unscientific ranking.

What do I mean by overrated? Think about movies that were good -- maybe even very good -- at the time but which nowadays maybe get more credit than they deserve.

Here are five movies that come to mind:

E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial (1982): Three times I've tried to sit through it, and I can't make it past the half-hour mark. And yet, for some reason, I own it on DVD. But I've never taken it out of the shrink-wrap.

Nine to Five (1980): Once the symbol of the fight for workplace equality. Now just a really annoying Dolly Parton song.

Born on the Fourth of July (1989): Very dated and hard to watch nearly 20 years later. Of all of Tom Cruise's work in the 80s, it (along with "Legend") might be the hardest to sit through now.

First Blood (1982): Sylvester Stallone's movies litter our list of 80 worst movies of the 80s (more than than any other actor, I believe). Yet somehow this one seems to be beloved by the minions. I saw it once. And that was enough.

Against All Odds (1984): Love the theme song by Phil Collins. But there's a reason you never see this movie on TV. Not even the program managers of UHF stations can tolerate the wasted efforts of Jeff Bridges and James Woods. Though it's always fun to see a USFL football team (in this case, the L.A. Express) worked into a screenplay. I mean, for history's sake.

So drop a line with a few movies you think deserve to be on the list. And check back to see what other 80s fans are saying.

Caption contest: Sharing a laugh with Tom Cruise

We haven't picked on Tom Cruise lately. I can't explain exactly why, since he's in a three-way race with Britney Spears and Paris Hilton for celebrity most in need of never-ending abuse (all competing in the special "We don't wear underwear, but shave our legs in public bathrooms" division.)

So here's a photo challenge to help get your mojo going again. Answer this question:

What are Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise laughing at? The funniest answer wins a TBT* t-shirt or totebag.

Tom Cruise wants you to laugh at him

Fresh off of being mocked by the entire world for his marriage, religious beliefs, public behavior and schlocky box office results, Tom Cruise is a man in desperate need of a comeback. And he has just the project to save his career.

Tom wants to be a Hardy Boy! (Pause for laughter. Or for just plain creepy silence.)

TMZ.com, the Hollywood site better known for airing video of drunken celebrities, reports that Cruise is talking with Ben Stiller about co-starring in an comedic update of The Hardy Boys, based on series of teenage boy detective novels that date back to the 1920s. Stiller is the natural choice to partner with Cruise, after his success with Starsky and Hutch.

The Hardy Boys might be best known to 80s fans for the TV series on ABC from 1977 to 1979, starring Parker Stevenson and Shaun Cassidy.

Can comedy revitalize Tom Cruise? He's only done two comedies -- Losin' It and Risky Business -- in his entire career. Getting a sense of humor about Scientology would be a good start, I think.

Tom Cruise: Your own, personal Jesus

It's official (so says one London tabloid): Tom Cruise is the "Christ" of Scientology. The Sun reports today that Scientology leader David Miscavige believes that the 44-year-old Cruise will be worshiped like Jesus for his efforts to boost awareness of the church.

Let us here at Stuck in the 80s be the first to congratulate Tom for the honor. He now joins the other...

DEITIES OF THE 80s:

Bono, Zeus of the Mullet: Only one person in history is deified for waving a white flag. And you're looking at him.

Jim Belushi, the Buddha of Comedy: Rub his belly and offer a prayer. (Ours is that he quits TV and goes back to making movies like 1986's About Last Night.)

Nick Nolte, the Dionysus of Drama: Did you know Nolte was up for the roles of Superman and Han Solo? Now you know why he's been drowning his sorrow.

Tawny Kitaen, the Aphrodite of Matrimony: She polished the hood of David Coverdale's car (before moving on to Tommy Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, Chuck Finley ... just raise your hand if you haven't dated Tawny).

Madonna, the Athena of the Dance Floor: Unlike her Greek counterpart, she's not a symbol of self-control or discipline (unless it's bondage-and-discipline). But her wardrobe selections have pappa-bear Zeus spitting lightning.

Gene Simmons, the God of Thunder (and rock n' roll): The spell we're under will slowly rob us of our virgin souls.

Hitch a ride with these remakes

The remake of The Hitcher is now in theaters. It's a remake of the 1986 movie starring Rutger Hauer, Jennifer Jason Leigh and C. Thomas Howell. And it begs the question: Of all the 80s flicks to remake, why this one?

It's not the best thriller of the 80s. It's not the best movie by Hauer, Howell or Leigh. (Those would be Blade Runner, Soul Man and Fast Times at Ridgemont High). It wasn't a very original plot or story idea. Is Hollywood really that desperate?

If so, here's a half dozen 80s movies to remake:

Friday the 13th (1980): Great story, lousy special effects and cheesy acting. Hey, bring back Kevin Bacon for the movie. But this time, let him star as "Jason." [Click for podcast]

Last American Virgin (1982): This movie was nearly forgotten because it came out the same summer as Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Keep the great soundtrack and find out if Diane Franklin has a daughter who can take over her role. (Did you know this movie is actually a remake of a 1978 Israeli movie called Eskimo Limon?)

Repo Man (1984): This cult classic featuring Emilio Estevez, Harry Dean Stanton and a great punk rock soundtrack is ripe for a remake. (Both Estevez and Stanton -- who still look pretty much the same today -- could use the gig.)

All The Right Moves (1983): Craig T. Nelson developed his role as "Coach" in this high school football movie, which starred Tom Cruise, Chris Penn and Lea Thompson. Sadly, we lost Penn in 2006. And sadly, Cruise lost his sanity in 2006. Move the team from Pennsylvania to Florida and start over.

Class Reunion (1982): The first writing credits for a guy named John Hughes. Only D-list actors in this campy flick about a mental patient who terrorizes his high school's 10-year reunion. Notable line? "Hey, Walter, listen, you're making a big deal out of nothing. You're not unique you know. Everyone in class had sex with your sister." Jeesh, sign Hughes back up, let him take a whack at that dialog again and make his triumphant return to Hollywood's front lines.

Tron (1982): It can be improved ... we have the technology. Can you imagine how much better this movie would be today with computer animation and the infinite story lines associated with the Internet? Hollywood seems oblivious. To them I say: "End of line."

The Great 80s Kiss-Off

OK, so my argument that Some Kind of Wonderful's Hardy Jenns is the Best John Hughes Villain has been universally defeated by the 80s Nation. I'm not going to take defeat lightly.

Today's argument: The kissing scene between Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson) and Keith (Eric Stoltz) in the same movie is the hottest make-out scene of any 80s flick. Right? ("And we're gonna destroy Lincoln tonight ... alllriiiiight?")

You want a list, don't you? OK...

Top 5 Make-Out Scenes in 80s Movies:

5. THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987)
The participants: Wesley (Cary Elwes) and Buttercup (Robin Wright Penn)
The location: Outside Prince Humperdinck's castle
Music: "Happy Ending" (Mark Knopfler)
Why it's not No. 1: Any make-out scene narrated by Peter Falk isn't going to win.

4. RISKY BUSINESS (1983)
The participants: Joel (Tom Cruise) and Lana (Rebecca De Mornay)
The location: Joel's living room (and staircase ... and bedroom...)
Music: "Lana" (Tangerine Dream)
Why it's not No. 1: Joel had to pay for it. Ouch.

3. VALLEY GIRL (1983)
The participants: Randy (Nicolas Cage) and Julie (Deborah Foreman)
The location: Backseat of Fred's car.
Music: "Time To Win" (Gary Myrick & The Figures)
Why it's not No. 1: The atmosphere ... Fred chases Stacey around the car while Randy tries to convince Julie he isn't a stalker. Otherwise, it has "Let's make punk rock babies" written all over it.

2. SAY ANYTHING (1989)
The participants: Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack) and Diane (Ione Skye)
The location: In the rain
Music: "In Your Eyes" (Peter Gabriel)
Why it's not No. 1: You can see the whole "You're going to dump me and give me a pen, aren't you?" in Lloyd's face. You need a stopwatch to measure the time from kiss to kiss-off here. Ione, you wench!

1. SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL (1986)
The participants: Watts and Keith
The location: Gas station garage where Keith works
Music: "She Loves Me" (Stephen Duffy)
Why it's No. 1: Spontaneity. Longevity. Music that's -- dare I say? -- classic. Pardon the Journey pun, but lots of lovin', touchin' and feelin'. Throw in the whole "Whoa, I'm suddenly making out with my tomboy best friend who's really a smokin' hot drummer vixen" factor, and dinner is served.

OK, what's your opinion? Am I right or am I right? What other classic 80s scenes do you think belong on the list?

[Thanks to: Filmsite.org, IMDB.com, Somekindofwonderful.org]

No TomKatting around here

If you were hoping for coverage or commentary on Saturday's Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes wedding, look elsewhere. Because unless Tom cancels the ceremony and instead announces plans to star in a musical stage version of "All The Right Moves," I won't be saying a thing.

10 things worth discussing more than the TomKat wedding:

10. Why do 80s stars like Billy Idol and Twisted Sister insist on recording Christmas albums? It can't just be the money, can it? (Because nobody is going to buy either CD.)

9. Joan Cusack has a food show on the Travel Channel. Yes, it's more entertaining than anything Rachel Ray could put out.

8. Who at the World Music Awards thought that booking Michael Jackson to perform would help boost their credibility? (Possibly the same genius behind booking Lindsay Lohan as the host.)

7. I know Duran Duran would like to find a younger generation of fans, but is hiring Justin Timberlake as producer the best way to do it? No wonder Andy Taylor quit. How long until the fans follow?

6. Slate's website tackled the question that's been plaguing ... well, nobody: Who was the best rock band of the 80s -- REM or U2? Actual answer: Neither. It was The Replacements.

5. Speaking of 80s battles, which is the best comic strip of the decade: Bloom County or Calvin & Hobbes? Actual answer: Neither. It was The Far Side.