25 artists that still embarrass us

We hide their tunes in secret playlists on iTunes. Their CDs are tucked into drawers where no friends will see them. And when their hit songs come on the radio, we switch channels in mock disgust while secretly singing along to the outlawed tune in our heads.

They are the bands and artists from the '80s that we never dare to admit we once liked -- and maybe still do. And thanks to an outpouring of reader suggestions, I'm finally ready to unveil the final ranking. Trust me -- it was hard to narrow it down.

25 ARTISTS WE'RE STILL EMBARRASSED TO ENJOY:

25. Julio Iglesias: To all the clowns you loved before...

24. Falco: Don't turn around. Uh-oh! "Der Kommissar" and "Rock Me Amadeus" are in your record collection.

23. Neil Diamond: Just pour me a drink and I'll tell you some lies. Like, "I never owned 'Jazz Singer' on DVD ... really!"

22. Kenny Rogers: He never did learn when to fold them. Just ask his plastic surgeon.

21. Peter Cetera: Admit it -- you bought the Karate Kid 2 soundtrack for "Glory of Love."

20. Sheena Easton: Loved "For Your Eyes Only." But "Morning Train"?  I'd have taken the bus.

19. George Michael: He'll never live down "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" -- "Choose Life" shirt optional.

18. Steve Perry/Journey: Who's crying now? Anyone who paid to see the band once Steve left.

17. Al Jarreau: He had 18 singles that charted in the '80s, but I guess we're not in this love together anymore.

16. Asia: The smile has left our eyes.

15. Whitney Houston: The greatest love of all? Selling our Whitney Houston CDs at a garage sale.

14. Rick Springfield: You better love somebody. Preferably not a soap star.

13. The Manhattan Transfer: Even the boy from NYC doesn't like them anymore.

12. Debbie Gibson: Out of the blue, she changed her name to Deborah. Oh, that'll help.

11. Tiffany: Still like her? I think you're alone now.

10. Paula Abdul: From singing "Straight Up" to drinking straight up. 

9. Toni Basil: Oh "Mickey," what a pity.

8. Olivia Newton-John: Psst! You know you own the Xanadu and Grease soundtracks.

7. Kenny G: A punchline for generations to come. But somebody's buying his records.

6. Barry Manilow: He writes the songs ... but why we you still listening to them in the '80s?

5. Christopher Cross: When one of your signature songs is forever associated with Luke, Laura and General Hospital, you're lucky you're only No. 5 on this list.

4. Culture Club: Give him time ... to realize his crime. After all, it's a long list.

3. Lionel Richie: Hello? Was it him you were looking for? Taking away "Dancing on the Ceiling" and maybe he'd fall from the Top 10.

2. Michael Bolton: Only a pair of Cosby sweater-wearing, ballad-crooning hairballs kept Mr. Mullet from the top spot.

1. Air Supply: Nobody owns up to liking Graham Russell and Russell Hitchcock, but there's not a person reading this list that can't burst out singing to "All Out of Love" or "Making Love Out of Nothing At All." They are the McDonalds of the '80s music biz: Billions served, just go easy on the secret sauce.

OK, what bands did we miss? Which were ranked too high or too low?

If only 'The Jerk' had been made in the '80s

Sadly, there's no pretty way to package the silver screen portfolio of Bernadette Peters, who turns 60 years old today. She was nearly box office poison in the '80s. The "Steven Seagal" of her era. The female equivalent of Steve Guttenberg. (Wait ... why are all the phonies named Steve? I'm not sure I like this trend.)

Before we unleash today's Top 5 list, let's add this one important concession: On Broadway, where she shows off her singing and dancing, Peters is a goddess. And I'd crawl through broken glass to see her perform in person.

But for those of us who don't live within an hour of Manhattan, we're forced to consider these infamous appearances.

TOP 5 FORGETTABLE '80s MOVIES WITH BERNADETTE PETERS:

5. ANNIE (1982): I know it's considered a classic, but sit through 5 minutes of it and you'll no longer be upset by the phrase "beaten like a red-headed step-child."

4. PINK CADILLAC (1989): This is one movie even co-star Clint Eastwood would surely disavow. Adding to the aggravation, I can't even say "Pink Cadillac" without singing that hideous Bruce Springsteen song in my head.

3. PENNIES FROM HEAVEN (1981): A period musical -- in the wrong period. At least she got to star with boyfriend Steve Martin.

2. TULIPS (1981): Here are the words every actress dreads hearing: "Meet your co-star, Gabe Kaplan!"

1. HEARTBEEPS (1981): Among the top 10 worst movies of the decade. "It's all right, Rover. These friendly robots are obviously not mischievous trespassers."

Worst sports movies of the 80s

Why can't Hollywood get it right when it comes to sports movies?

Sure, the 80s had some classics (Bull Durham, The Natural), but it had some unforgivable nightmares as well. So as the glow of another football season begins to fade and we're left to contemplate the black hole of lesser sports until next fall, it's time to pick...

TOP 10 WORST SPORTS MOVIES OF THE 80s:

10. RAD (1986): It couldn't be the 80s without a BMX movie. Talia Shire probably wishes IMDB.com didn't exist for this single reason.

9. GLEAMING THE CUBE (1989): A skateboarding movie! With Christian Slater! And that dude from Scarface! (And to think we're only at No. 9!)

8. THE SLUGGER'S WIFE (1985): Rebecca De Mornay is truly awful (as a singer and actress) in this flick. Michael O'Keefe looks as much like an Atlanta Brave as I look like a porn star. (Well, maybe Ron Jeremy.)

7. JOHNNY BE GOOD (1988): Paul Gleason is great. Anthony Michael Hall and Uma Thurman are unbearable. And Robert Downey Jr. is, as usual, psychotic.

6. OVER THE TOP (1987): Please don't make me say arm wrestling is a real sport. But I think this Stallone pic washes away the goodness of at least one Rocky edition.

5. JOCKS (1987): Anyone remember this Perry Lang/Richard Roundtree star vehicle about a college tennis team? (Put your hands down, please.)

4. CADDYSHACK 2 (1988): Great theme song by Kenny Loggins ("Nobody's Fool") and then ... poof. By the end, you want to kill Jackie Mason and Dan Aykroyd -- not the gopher.

3. SIX PACK (1982): What's harder to conceive: Kenny Rogers as a race-car driver or Buck Roger's Erin Gray as his adoring fan? (Of course, both are trumped by the acting debut of Anthony Michael Hall.)

2. STROKER ACE (1983): I can only image that Hollywood was so happy with the box office return of "Six Pack" that they green-lit this NASCAR disaster, starring Burt Reynolds, Loni Anderson and ... wait for it ... Jim Nabors! (Not to mention the superb skills of Parker Stevenson.)

1. AMERICAN ANTHEM (1986): Mitch Gaylord and Janet Jones star in a completely unwatchable movie that basically takes the story line of "Purple Rain" and applies it to gymnastics. What else can you say about a movie whose best review comes from a website called Hollywood Bitchslap.

Which movies did I forget?

Rambo didn't draw first blood: These did

Is it just me or does it seem like the latest Rambo movie tip-toed quietly into the theaters? Like it almost didn't want to be noticed.

Critics have been understanding and sympathetic to Sly Stallone's latest creation (Read the review here from the Times film critic, my buddy Steve Persall). That's because Stallone and the Rambo franchise are basically a punchline these days.

But is Rambo the lamest of the action-hero movies of the 80s? Not even close.

TOP 10 WORST ACTION MOVIES OF THE 80s:

10. Tango & Cash (1989): Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell. Tagline: "Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them." One critic said: "All the suppressed homosexuality of the buddy movie genre ... A pathetically juvenile screenplay."

9. Action Jackson (1988): Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson. Tagline: "It's Time For 'Action.' " One critic said: "Did they start with the comedy  and then pencil in the sadism, or the other way around?"

8. Above The Law (1988): Steven Seagal, Pam Grier. Tagline: "He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido... and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude." One critic said: "There are suggestions of so many other action heroes in this guy that he seems to have been assembled from leftover parts."

7. No Holds Barred (1989): Hulk Hogan, Joan Severance. Tagline: "No Ring. No Ref. No Rules." One critic said: "I can even pretend that the Hulkster has any place scrubbing cineplex toilets, much less packing people into its theaters."

6. Masters of the Universe (1987): Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella. Tagline: "Only the universe could hold adventure this big!" One critic said: "Little kids at play have come up with craftier plots, better characterization and conceivably more spectacular effects -- provided their mothers let them play with matches."

5. Megaforce (1982): Barry Bostwick, Michael Beck. Tagline: "There has never been a superhero like ACE HUNTER!" One critic said: "Turn off every logic circuit in your brain and just watch this for the sheer spectacle ... Mind you, a shiny rock can occupy me for hours."

4. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Lincoln Hawk will fight for his son the only way he knows how." One critic said: "It's Stallone showing his vulnerable side, a sort of Father Knows Best -- But Can't Put It Into Words."

3. Red Sonja (1985): Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "A woman and a warrior that became a legend." One critic said: "One of those sword and sandals movies where you can only enjoy it if you appreciate the aesthetics of ineptness."

2. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."

1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled 'The Terrible Game.' There is truth in advertising here."

Blog battle: Best 80s holiday songs

Time to dust off ye ole holiday CDs in a seemingly fruitless attempt to find something tolerable for family gatherings. (And to listen to on your iPod at work while you co-workers are sharing low-cal cookie recipes a little too loudly.)

To make this year's list a little more fun, I have officially challenged Sean Daly's blogging baroness, Stephanie Hayes, to a blog battle.

To my advantage, I was slobber-knocked on egg nog and teetering on bar stools in the 80s while Stephanie (high school class of 2001!) was still eating strained carrots from her own high chair. Let's see if she has any tricks left up her Garanimals.

We each picked our top 5 holiday songs from the 80s -- and the worst holiday song from the decade. Check out her list and then ... "prepare for greatness, Lloyd."

TOP 5 HOLIDAY SONGS OF THE 80s:

5. Christmas in Hollis - Run D.M.C.: The de facto holiday theme song of MTV during the 80s. "The rhymes you hear are the rhymes of Darryl's. But each and every year we bust Christmas carols." (Watch video)

4. 2000 Miles - The Pretenders: A more subtle Christmas song with a dreamy, spinning sound. Perfect for a long drive through snowy weather. "Outside under the purple sky, diamonds in the snow sparkle. Our hearts were singing ... It felt like Christmastime." (Live version)

3. Twelve Days Of Christmas - Bob & Doug McKenzie: Where are Bob and Doug when they're needed most? Granted, it's a novelty/comedy song, but dare I say the best one of the 80s? ("Fiiiive golden toques!") Of course, back then I no idea what a "toque" was. Imagine my disappointment to learn it was only a hat. "Boy, that song was a beauty ... it moved me. Yah, it ranks up there with Stairway to Heaven!" (Listen)

2. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses: The late great Patty Donahue led this Ohio-bred new wave act that was probably best known for "I Know What Boys Like" and the theme song to "Square Pegs." Their holiday tune weaves a clever story about a single woman so busy, she decides to sit out Christmas this year. But fate -- and holiday magic -- eventually restore her faith. "When what to my wondering eyes should appear?  In the line is that guy I've been chasing all year!" (Listen)

1. Do They Know It's Christmas - Band-Aid: Sure, it's got some painful lines in it ("So tonight thank god it's them instead of you!"). But look at the lineup of great English and Irish musicians that Bob Geldof pulled together (Sting, Duran Duran, Paul Young, U2, George Michael just to name a fraction.) And then tell me you don't get chills during the ending chorus when the bells start ringing. "Here's to you, raise a glass for everyone!" (Watch video)

And the worst song: There are so many to choose from. But the title goes to someone who sadly was elected into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this week. Madonna's "Santa Baby" (listen if you dare) is a criminal assault on every sense of my very being. Fans of Stuck in the 80s, who submitted their own horror stories on the subject this week, were nearly unanimous in their contempt:

• "Hearing her straining to sound like a weird version of Betty Boop doesn't say Christmas to me." -- Matt in Denver
• "Cloying, annoying, and only redeemed by the fact that it was recorded for the Very Special Christmas project and helped raise money for the Special Olympics." -- Cait
• "If my radio had a neck, I would choke it every time that came on." -- Donnie

Alas, the venom must end and you can now vote: Who had the better Top 5 list?

What's the WORST 80s holiday song?

I've challenged Times pop music Sean Daly's blogging replicant Stephanie Hayes to a battle of wits this week: On Friday, we'll each unveil our own "Top 5 holidays songs of the 80s" list.

But we'll also reveal our opinion of the WORST holiday song of the 80s. So my question to my beloved 80s nation is this: What was your least favorite holiday song of the decade?

Here are some candidates:

• Christmas Is The Time To Say 'I Love You' - Billy Squier
• Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy - David Bowie & Bing Crosby
• Jingle Bell Rock - Daryl Hall & John Oates
• Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home) - U2
• Christmas in Dixie - Alabama

Or maybe it's this little gem -- "Santa's Goin' to Kokomo." Click here to view the video. I can't be sure it's an 80s song. But it has the footprints of the 80s all over it.

Please, let me know if you can think of other dreadful tunes. I'll gladly use the best pick ... "giving you full credit, of course, Mr. Spicoli."

Who wants to hear from Jackie Mason?

Comedian Jackie Mason is coming to the bay area in January, and Stuck in the 80s has been offered an interview with him. The question for you, my friends, is this: Should we have Jackie Mason as a guest on the podcast?

I know not everyone likes our interview shows. And when you think of the 80s comedians, I'm not sure Jackie Mason comes to mind quickly.

Mason, who later won an Emmy playing Krusty the Clown's dad on The Simpsons, did make a number of film appearances during the decade, including History of the World Part 1. But of course, the one role that always comes to mind is from that dreadful 1988 sequel to Caddyshack.

I don't blame Mason for that mess of a movie. (I certainly don't blame the Kenny Loggins' theme song -- "Nobody's Fool" -- excellent stuff!). But man, has a classic movie ever been more thoroughly ravaged by a sequel than is this case? (When Randy Quaid can't save a movie, you're doomed.)

Mason is easily one of the top 50 stand-up comedians of all time. But my last comedian interview -- with Andrew Dice Clay -- was a disaster. So I'm torn.

I'm leaving it up to you: Jackie Mason -- yea or nay for Stuck in the 80s?

Meanwhile, because I'm obliged to give you real content...

TOP FIVE WORST QUOTES FROM CADDYSHACK 2:

5. "We're talking mucho dinero, and probably some American money too."

4. "Take chances. I'm insured."

3. "Golf, golf... what kinda name is 'golf' anyway? Sounds like a sound you make when you've got something caught in your throat."

2. "That's my policy exactly. You see, that way, when we're captured, and they attach the twelve-volt car batteries to our testicles... which can, does, and... has happened... then we can honestly say we had nothing to do with it."

1. "When can we get the power turned back on? That's hard to say, huh? Well, tell me something. Is it as hard to say as "Oh, my god! Somebody help me! There's a man in my office with a flamethrower' "?

The best and worst of 100 episodes

The epic 100th episode of Stuck in the 80s is now online. Click here to download it. Or click here to subscribe to all our episodes for free on iTunes (a much easier way to listen.)

With this milestone finally breached (and shows #101, #102 and #103 nearly completed), it seems like a good time to go over the highlights -- our photo with Rick Springfield is one of those -- and lowlights of our two-year (and counting) expedition to the 80s.

Our favorite episode: The hosts (myself, Times pop music critic Sean Daly and the recently departed Cathy Wos) usually lean toward our Michael Jackson's Thriller episode as our favorite.

Listener's favorite episode: We got the most e-mails about episode #99 -- the one-hit wonders of 1986. That surprised us.

Our least favorite episode: I'd love to re-do any of the first 10 shows, just because we have the technology to do them better now. Otherwise, the interview with comedian Andrew Dice Clay didn't pan out well either. (But it does have all the profanity uncensored.)

Listener's least-favorite episode: People really hated the interview with former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat -- the first and only show I hosted solo.

Our favorite interview: Tough call here. Probably AC/DC's Brian Johnson, who was friendly beyond belief. Call it a tie between him and MTV goddess Martha Quinn, who is more stuck in the 80s than I'll ever be.

Least favorite interview: Probably former teen queen Molly Ringwald, who was promoting her national stage production of Sweet Charity. She seemed disengaged and bored at times. But I'm betting that because she has answered the same questions over and over again for 25 years now, so we'll forgive her.

Toughest interview to get: Probably Thomas Dolby, who was doing his first tour in almost 20 years. A longtime hero of mine, he was a fantastic person to talk to -- but it took months of work to get it set up.

Coolest person we've met in person: Probably John Waite, who sang and played songs for me on his guitar to calm me down before I introduced him on stage. Though meeting Rick Springfield (twice) and Brian Johnson were surreal moments too.

People we're dying to still interview: More than I can count, but let's start with directors Cameron Crowe and John Hughes, actors John Cusack and Matthew Broderick, and REO Speedwagon's Kevin Cronin (who I actually get to interview later today.)

Favorite catch-phrases: Sean's "Mama No!" ... Cathy's "Puppies!" ... and I guess my "Dare I say classic?" (which I've been trying to suppress lately.)

So stay tuned for the REO podcast and a few other surprises we have cooked up for the next month or two. And keep the comments and e-mails coming. Without your feedback, we'd feel all alone in the 80s.

They should have named the dog "Crystal Skull"

"Raiders of the Lost Ark" -- great movie name! "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" -- I hear that and I'm on the edge of my seat. But ...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?

Are you kidding me, Spielberg? You take 20 years off after what should have been the final movie in the Indiana Jones saga, and THIS is the name you come up with for your much-hyped sequel?

It sounds like an episode of Super Friends. "The Wonder Twins and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." Now, that I buy.

The movie, still in production, brings back Harrison Ford in the title role, along with Shia LaBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Ray Winstone, John Hurt and Jim Broadbent, according to the Associated Press. Steven Spielberg returns to direct.

And Karen Allen, who's been absent since the original 1981 film, returns to reprise her role as "Marion Ravenwood." (Sean Connery, who played Indiana's dad in '89's "Last Crusade," isn't returning.)

It'll take more than a couple extra bench-presses by Ford to get over the cornball movie title though. Still, it's not the most ridiculous sequel title we've heard.

TOP 5 WORST NAMES FOR 80s SEQUELS:

5. Arthur 2: On the Rocks: That's exactly where Dudley's career was after this movie was made.

4. Teen Wolf Too: So clever -- a "too" instead of a "2". You know what would have been more clever? A decent script.

3. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: Just how lazy are you when you take part of TV show's opening narration and use it for a movie title?

2. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: Who wants to see an action movie that aims for peace? I'd rather see "Superman IV and the Atomic Disembowelment of Zod."

1. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo: Not to be confused with Sid & Marty Krofft's "The Bugaloos." ("They're in the air and everywhere.")

[Paramount Studios promotion photo]

No Giorgio! Worst musician-turned actor flicks

With the passing of opera legend Luciano Pavarotti, what's the appropriate number of days to refrain before mentioning his 1982 flick "Yes Giorgio"?

... Time's up. (I'll go easy - I promise.) The film, which also co-starred Eddie Albert and Kathryn Harrold, featured Pavarotti as "Giorgio Fini," a pampered opera singer who loses his voice (a real stretch for Luciano, I know) and then falls in love with his throat doctor.

To confess that you've seen the movie from start to finish is akin to admitting that you once videotaped "Webster" so you could watch "Punky Brewster" live.

Like most musician-to-actor movies, it has a great soundtrack. But if you think it's the worst of that particular genre, you're sorely mistaken.

Top 10 Worst Musician-Turned-Actor Movies of the 80s:

10. Absolute Beginners (1986): David Bowie. "We don't sell things. We sell dreams."

9. Desperately Seeking Susan (1985):  Madonna. "Yeah, well, fortunately for everyone, I'm here and I'm thinking."

8. The Jazz Singer (1980): Neil Diamond. "We can hear the 'boom boom' in here, darling. It really sounds wonderful."

7. Purple Rain (1984): Prince. "That ain't Lake Minnetonka."

6. Who's That Girl? (1987): Madonna. "C'mon ... haven't you ever done anything you were proud of?"

5. Labyrinth (1986): David Bowie. "It's only forever, not long at all."

4. Dune (1984): Sting. "Why are you going to prolong the inevitable? I will kill you!"

3. Hard To Hold (1984): Rick Springfield. "Will you stop harassing me? I know who you are, you're a rock person of some sort."

 2. Rhinestone (1984): Dolly Parton. "All right, we'll go to your place and you can show me your organ. But I'm warning you, it'd best be having music coming out of it."

1. Can't Stop the Music (1980): The Village People. "The 70s are dead and gone. The 80s are going to be something wonderfully new and different, and so am I."

'Hey, wait a minute, there's no birthday party for me here!'

I don't care how many Oscars he wins or which leaders of rogue nations he has lunch with. He's plain old "Jeff Spicoli" to me. And that characterization would probably piss off Sean Penn more than anything.

Penn turns 47 today (though he doesn't look a day older than 50). In a relatively short period of time, he has accomplished the near-impossible: He is both the most talented yet grumpiest man in Hollywood. Still, 80s fans have given him a lifetime pardon for all his great work in the 80s, something I bet he takes no glee in.

Just this week, another movie website named his stoned surfing opus, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High," as one of "Seven Teen Sex Comedies That Don't Suck." (Other 80s flicks on the list: Revenge of the Nerds, Last American Virgin, Risky Business and Porky's. And I'm sorry, but aside from the "Why do you they call you Lassie" scene, Porky's is no masterpiece.)

When you look over his volume of work -- even his 80s stuff -- you realize this sobering fact: Sean Penn is not a comic actor. Does he even have fun anymore? Seemingly not. In a 2001 interview, Penn says he takes little enjoyment from the craft: "Acting is always a struggle, and now it's more of an emotional struggle because I don't enjoy it so much," he says.

So be it, Sean. Here's a list just for you.

Three Sean Penn movies from the 80s we don't enjoy so much:

3. Casualties of War (1989): One critic said, "... Don't let a little gore, misogyny, factbusting, counterfeit hipness ... get in your way. Enjoy Penn's actor imitations."

2. We're No Angels (1989): One critic said, "So few lines have been written for these actors that you almost believe that the script intentionally parodies their renowned inarticulateness."

1. Shanghai Surprise (1986): One critic said, "Sean Penn drunkenly mumbles his way through this period caper ... getting wrapped up in a plot to steal opium, or maybe jewels, or maybe an autographed baseball. I honestly have no idea, and I don't think Sean did, either." (Also #33 on the Worst Movies of the 80s list.)

Does Bon Jovi give rock a bad name?

Do you remember when Jon Bon Jovi was a bad-ass rock n' roll rebel? Think way, WAY back. (Still a little hazy, I know. It's all the hairspray he used -- it fogs up the brain cells.)

Nowadays, Bon Jovi juggles his time as the co-owner of Arena Football's Philadelphia Soul and pimping his vocal-coaching talents on American Idol. (At least he stopped making movies.) But that's OK, it's his own personal journey and we respect that. (On the web, no one can tell you're being sarcastic.)

Seriously though, Bon Jovi's new album -- Lost Highway -- hit the record stores this week and Times pop music critic Sean Daly sounds off on it in his latest review. Click here to read his words of wisdom.

In the meantime, I have my own favorites ... and then some beefs to pick.

TOP FIVE BON JOVI SONGS:

5. Lay Your Hands On Me: "Right now the rules we made are meant for breaking."

4. You Give Love a Bad Name: "Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye" 

3. Bad Medicine: "Gonna take more than a shot to get this poison out of me"

2. It's My Life: "This is for the ones who stood their ground"

1. Livin' On a Prayer: "We've got each other and that's a lot"

FIVE BON JOVI SONGS I NEVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN:

5. Never Say Goodbye: This song doesn't make me want to say goodbye; it makes me want to flip him the bird.

4. I'll Be There For You: You know a song sucks when one verse ("These five words I swear to you") basically tells you the number of words in the song's title.

3. This Ain't a Love Song: Oh, but it really is a love song. Thanks for the clarification, Dr. Obvious.

2. Runaway: My first garage band played this song (usually right after "Louie Louie" but before "Hungry Like The Wolf.") To this day, I get the cold sweats and acid reflux when I hear the staccato keyboard beginning.

1. Wanted Dead or Alive: It's right up there with "Roxanne" by the Police as most-abused karaoke songs in history. You can't sing it aloud without someone (me, I guess) wanting to punch you in the nose. And why is a guy from Jersey singing a song that sounds like it belongs in a Clint Eastwood movie? (That's a rhetorical question, boys...)

Can we vote these people off too?

Sanjaya was finally voted off of American Idol tonight in -- ironically? -- the only episode I watched start to finish. I was glued to the TV, partially thanks to help from the Wild Turkey distillery. And partly because -- I'd like to think -- it was a historic night. (I still think Sanjaya's sister has an better-than-even shot at scoring seats to the season finale.)

As Sanjaya was forced to sing his farewell ditty, I reached a level of something I'm going to call "nocturnal clarity." And tonight's blog item suddenly became obvious.

If we could force some of our 80s idols to perform a similar "song of shame" -- oh, savor the thought -- who would we choose?

AXL ROSE: Our GNR frontman is perhaps the decade's biggest fraud. And no, he doesn't get to sing an original tune. I'm making him sing "Power of Love" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Savor that, Axl baby.

BOY GEORGE: I know we thought he was original and interesting at the time, but did anyone truly enjoy his music? And aren't you really embarrassed for him nowadays? On his American Idol finale, I'm having him sing "I Know What Boys Like" by The Waitresses.

BRYAN ADAMS: My friends and I have a long-standing theory that you never really notice when a Bryan Adams song comes on the radio. Just like you never notice when your fly is open. Hence, when "Summer of '69" or any Adams song comes on, we say, "Your Bryan Adams is hanging out." Yowsers! So Bryan gets to sing ... "She-Bop" by Cyndi Lauper (another person who oddly uses a "y" in their first name).

WHITNEY HOUSTON: If there was anyone I'd torment by having them sing his or her own song, it's Whitney. In fact, yeah. She's gonna have to belt out "Greatest Love of All" -- paying particular attention to the delicious irony of the line, "No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity." Oh yes, they can.

Sanjaya, you can relax now. At least you still have your dignity.

St. Elmo's Fire: Overrated or underloved?

Our list of most overrated movies from the 80s is almost complete. (Click here to add your nomination.) The blog's readership left a ton of incredibly insightful comments about the movies they nominated for the list, and I'll be using those comments in the final ranking.

But one movie seemingly escaped nomination, so I want to put it into the spotlight and allow us to take aim at will:

Is St. Elmo's Fire one of the 80s most overrated flicks?

I'll admit I've seen it close to 50 times and own it on DVD. And one day soon, we'll do a podcast about it. But even still, it's not as good as it could have been. Not then. Certainly not today. My addiction to watching it again and again is somewhat related to my inclination to heat up a frozen pizza for breakfast on my days off: Not healthy, but it feeds a certain unspoken craving.

Leave a comment with your feedback on the question, but here's my case on why this movie is all style over substance:

• Sure it has the Brat Pack in it. But can any of them, aside from maybe Andrew McCarthy, say they thought their dialog was clever?
• The very slutty Demi Moore throws herself at every guy in this cast, and they all say no? What gives? Is this an ABC After-School Special? (At least Rob Lowe gets the last laugh -- and another chance -- in "About Last Night.")
• So Ally Sheedy is the slutty character? Bagging both Judd Nelson and McCarthy. Unexpected. Keeping her string of pearls on for the shower scene. Priceless.
• The movie title -- even when explained (incorrectly, as websites point out) -- lacks more credibility than an American Idol vote tally.

I could go on and on forever, but I don't want to stack the deck. Other than to give you this week's first fun list.

Top 5 meaningless lines from St. Elmo's Fire:
5. "Fluff and fold, buddy. Soon as I make it really big, I'm going fluff and fold."
4. "You know there are more people in law school right now than there are lawyers on the entire planet? Think about that."
3. "There are several quintessential moments in a man's life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you."
2. "So you lost your job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain."
1. "Ah-boogity-boogity-boogity, ah-ah-ahhhhhh!"

Who was the Sanjaya of the 80s?

Sanjaya Fever continues to run amok in 2007, quickly making this the year the entire world would unanimously agree to fast forward to Dec. 31 if it meant we could finally stop talking about American Idol's dry-look teen dream.

But it makes you wonder too: Did the 80s have its own Sanjaya Malakar? Surely we had some overrated, no-talent pretty boys floating around, causing acid-reflux among general populace. I'm not talking about singers -- that's giving the San-Man too much credit. He's as close to a singer as I am to being a tap-dancing beaver.

The Top 10 80s acting versions of Sanjaya Malakar:

10. Ralph Macchio: Did you catch Macchio's cameo on Entourage? Mr. Miyagi say: "Ah, Daniel-san ... you not age well." High point: "Karate Kid." Low point: "Crossroads."

9. Mare Winningham: Secretly the hottest girl on "St. Elmo's Fire" and she was the virgin? Cruel, cruel world. High point: "Turner & Hooch." Low point: "Wyatt Earp."

8. Deborah Foreman: Could have easily been declared hottest actress of the 80s -- had she kept acting. High point: "Valley Girl." Low point: "April Fool's Day."

7. Phoebe Cates: Chalk her up with Deborah Foreman on the "where are they now" board, just higher on the list thanks to the pool scene in "Fast Times." High point: "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." Low point: "Date With An Angel."

6. Amanda Peterson: The beautiful "Cindy Mancini" in "Can't Buy Me Love." Current whereabouts are unknown, though there are plenty of rumors. High point: "Can't Buy Me Love." Low point: "Explorers."

5. Johnny Depp: Long before he became perhaps the world's best actor, Depp was the ultimate pretty face. High point: "Ed Wood." Low point: "21 Jump Street," "Private Resort."

4. Kirk Cameron: So much potential for the little boy from "Beyond Witch Mountain." Alas, forever known as "Mike Seaver." High point: "Growing Pains." Low point: "Like Father, Like Son."

3. Willie Aames: If Charles really is in charge, then what was Willie doing on the show? Doing his friend a solid. High point: "Zapped." Low point: "Charles in Charge."

2. Christopher Atkins: Parodied to perfection in "Top Secret." But I still can't scrape the image of him in a loin-cloth out of my 80s-saturated mind. High point: "Blue Lagoon." Low point: "The Pirate Movie."

1. Corey Feldman & Corey Haim: What more can be said about these guys? I can only imagine Sanjaya has a photo of them in his dressing room. High point: "The Lost Boys." Low point: "Dream a Little Dream."

'Be good' (just not great): Name some overrated movies

I'm catching a lot of grief for my blanket statement in this week's podcast that I'd rather watch Red Dawn a hundred times than sit through another viewing of Jaws. (And in complete disclosure, I'm probably halfway to that goal already.)  I'm not backing down. But it got me to thinking:

What are the most overrated movies of the 80s?

It's time to compile another list. And as always, I want your help. Leave me a comment with your suggestions on the most overrated movies of our favorite decade. In a week or so, I'll provide an unscientific ranking.

What do I mean by overrated? Think about movies that were good -- maybe even very good -- at the time but which nowadays maybe get more credit than they deserve.

Here are five movies that come to mind:

E.T. - The Extra-Terrestrial (1982): Three times I've tried to sit through it, and I can't make it past the half-hour mark. And yet, for some reason, I own it on DVD. But I've never taken it out of the shrink-wrap.

Nine to Five (1980): Once the symbol of the fight for workplace equality. Now just a really annoying Dolly Parton song.

Born on the Fourth of July (1989): Very dated and hard to watch nearly 20 years later. Of all of Tom Cruise's work in the 80s, it (along with "Legend") might be the hardest to sit through now.

First Blood (1982): Sylvester Stallone's movies litter our list of 80 worst movies of the 80s (more than than any other actor, I believe). Yet somehow this one seems to be beloved by the minions. I saw it once. And that was enough.

Against All Odds (1984): Love the theme song by Phil Collins. But there's a reason you never see this movie on TV. Not even the program managers of UHF stations can tolerate the wasted efforts of Jeff Bridges and James Woods. Though it's always fun to see a USFL football team (in this case, the L.A. Express) worked into a screenplay. I mean, for history's sake.

So drop a line with a few movies you think deserve to be on the list. And check back to see what other 80s fans are saying.

Looks more like a frat party gone bad

Another year, another shameful industry award show that can tucked away in the closet until next time. Last night's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was everything Rock and Roll isn't supposed to be: corporate, phony and ultimately embarrassing to those performing and those watching.

Velvet Revolver playing Van Halen songs? Patti Smith playing Rolling Stone songs? Keith Richards with a Johnny Depp mustache? Turning to a grunge musician to save the day? Oh ... my ... god.

I could go on forever, but thanks to the magic of the Internet, I can simply redirect you to a fantastiche recap of the night's events -- muchos gracias to phillyburbs.com. Just click here to read an ongoing account of last night's crime against humanity.

And remember: It's never too early to think about ways to screw up next year's induction ceremony.

Top 5 ways to ruin the 2008 Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony:
5. Master of ceremonies -- a sober Eddie Van Halen.
4. Dennis DeYoung inducts Journey; Steve Perry inducts Styx.
3. Max Headroom reanimated to sing medley of Whitney Houston songs.
2. In fluke vote, Wyld Stallyons -- from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure -- is voted into Hall.
1. Just rebroadcast this year's show.

Good beach movies? Gimme a break

It's Spring Break time here in Florida, but before you get carried away and steal a case of Mickey's for the road trip down here, please be aware that things down here have changed a lot since the 80s.

For one, I'm pretty sure it's against the law to do anything fun here anymore. Open containers, driving on the beach, wet t-shirt contests, beer-chugging contests, stalking Debra Lafave, bonfires on the beach. Good luck finding many municipalities that go along with those rituals.

So if you really want to experience a traditional spring break, here are your choices: Be prepared to break some local laws, go somewhere like Cancun, or rent one of the beach movies from the 80s.

Be warned: These are not all spring break movies and they're certainly not all classics. In fact, maybe only a few of them are watchable at all. But like that moment before your first sunburn of the season or that 10th shot of tequila, you're not going to listen to good advice anyway right now anyway. Bottom's up.

SPRING BREAK (1983): David Knell, Perry Lang.
Tagline: "Like it's really, totally, the most fun a couple of bodies can have. You know?"
Review: "What a letdown for horny movie critics." (Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "Beer's like... f---in' great, ya know?"

WHERE THE BOYS ARE '84 (1984): Lisa Hartman, Lorna Luft.
Tagline: "When girls want a vacation filled with sun, fun and romance, they go to Fort Lauderdale"
Review: "This movie has nothing to do with the song and the 1960 movie whose name it appropriates. It isn't a sequel and isn't a remake and isn't, in fact, much of anything." (Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "Sandra, we're going to Fort Lauderdale for ten days. All you need is a bikini, and a diaphragm."

SHAG (1989): Phoebe Cates, Bridget Fonda, Annabeth Gish
Tagline: "On a summer weekend in 1963, four girlfriends made memories that would last a lifetime."
Review: "A tantalizing summer pick-me-up." (Rolling Stone)
Memorable quote: "Daddy's bourbon. Strictly off-limits."

BACK TO THE BEACH (1987): Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello
Tagline: "Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a totally NEW WAVE motion picture experience."
Review: "Deeply vapid, with the emotional consistency of styling mousse. Still, worse things have washed up on the beach." (Washington Post)
Memorable quote: "Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh did I ever leave Ohio?"

REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: Nerds in Paradise (1987): Robert Carradine, Curtis Armstrong
Tagline: "The Nerds are Back... and They're Taking a Trip to Paradise!"
Review: "As screenplays go, this is as idiotic as it gets." (Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "To truly hock a loogie, one must not retrieve the phlegm from the throat, but from the soul."

POLICE ACADEMY 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988): Bubba Smith, David Graf.
Tagline: "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure."
Review: "An insufferable collage of coarse slapstick vignettes" (Washington Post)
Memorable quote: "Must be the drugs."

SUMMER RENTAL (1985): John Candy, Rip Torn
Tagline: "Life's A Beach"
Review: "A product of what the eighties did best – cheesy and silly it is, escapist and feel-good, most definitely." (DVD Times)
Memorable quote: "Can you tread water with that hook?"

 

[Photo: Associated Press. Source: IMDB.com]

Is Stallone juicing?

Sylvester Stallone could be in big trouble down under, according to the latest media reports. His hotel room and private jet have been searched by Australian authorities, who reportedly are looking for banned substances.

In Australia, even steroids and performance-enhancing drugs are on the list of no-no's -- along with bootleg copies of Men at Work CDs -- and rumors around the Internet say human-growth hormones could be the target in this particular case. And unlike in Major League Baseball, violators could find themselves in jail.

Stallone is in Australia to pimp his new movie Rocky Balboa, but isn't taking any questions on the latest incidents.

Ah, poor Sly. The guy just can't seem to win lately. His latest installment of a once-proud series of movies is flopping. And many of his older flicks are now considered among the worst movies of the era. I think he needs a pick-me-up -- the LEGAL kind this time.

Top 5 most under-appreciated Sylvester Stallone flicks:
5. Death Race 2000 (1975): "Save it for the French."
4. Rocky III (1982): "Nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are!"
3. The Lords of Flatbush (1974): "You want a ring? I got a ring for ya. In my bathtub."
2. Demolition Man (1993): "How's that damn three seashell thing work?"
1. Victory (1981): "This frigging game is ruining my life."

Share your scares: Best and worst horror flicks

With Halloween around the corner, it's time to build another list: What were the best (and worst) horror films of the 80s? I'll have the complete list for you next week, just in time for our upcoming Halloween episode of the Stuck in the 80s podcast.

In the meantime, here are a couple suggestions:

Ghosts with the most:
- The Shining (1980): Almost enough to make you forget about Stanley Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut."
- American Werewolf in London (1981): Love the "all moon" soundtrack and special effects.
- A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): I have a friend from college who dressed similar to Freddy Kreuger -- striped shirt, leather fedora. Quite the babe-magnet at bars. Seriously.
- The Thing (1982): When John Carpenter and Kurt Russell work together, great things happen. ("Snaaaaake Pliskin ... I heard you were dead.")
- Poltergeist (1982): The family-friendly horror flick. Except for the parts where you're so scared, your heart nearly explodes.

More gruel than ghoul:
- Friday the 13th (1980): A series of deaths in between porn scenes. Kevin Bacon should be ashamed his name is attached to this fiasco.
- Maniac (1980): Sadly, not a movie about Michael Sembello's song from Flashdance.
- Shocker (1989): A ripoff of Nightmare on Elm Street. Totallly without merit. Still not convinced? It stars John Tesh.
- Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984): Santa Claus as an ax-wielding murderer. Now that's family fun for every generation.
- April Fool's Day (1986): I paid money to see this back when I thought Deborah Foreman was the greatest actress of the 80s. A crushing blow to my adolescence.

Drop me a comment with your favorite and least-favorite horror movies of the 80s. Or, if you feeling particularly moved by the spirit, call our toll-free line ((866-371-9605) and leave us a voice mail.

Top 10 Worst Movies of the 80s (aka Stallone Appreciation Day)

If the three movies by Stallone doesn't give it away, welcome to the Top 10 of our 80 Worst Movies of the 80s list. Write these down and run to your collection of videos and DVDs. Do you own any of these? If so, please immediately go to the garage, find the biggest hammer you own and beat your home entertainment system into little tiny bits.

Today's biggest loser: Sylvester Stallone, come on down! With nearly a third of the movies on the top 10 list, you own this list. I'm having all comments forwarded to his agent.

(Click here to see lists for worst sequels and worst movies 11-20, 21-30, 31-40, 41-50, 51-60, 61-70, 71-80)

10. Absolute Beginners (1986): Eddie O'Connell, David Bowie. Tagline: "Welcome to the world of your dreams!" One critic said: "Totally forgettable songs, dance numbers, and a ridiculous plot make Absolute Beginners look like absolute junk."

9. Yentl (1983): Barbra Streisand, Mandy Patinkin. Tagline: "Nothing's Impossible." One critic said: " In a back room of an Ivy League library somewhere there is a fetishist who desperately tries to think of anything besides this film."

8. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."