Creamed bologna, chili dogs and showering: Birthdays in the '80s

Remember when birthdays used to be really fun? No, not like Sixteen Candles fun. Get serious.

They were like Christmas, I mean. You couldn't sleep the night before because you knew the next day a huge party was coming your way ... and possibly a new BMX bike with it.

At the very least, a huge feast was planned, and you picked the menu. I always leaned toward never-ending chili dogs.

Yep, those were the '80s for you. Good times all around. Never doubt that. It's the one constant in the universe. My universe anyway.

But here's the story of the greatest '80s birthday story of all. It was 1984, and I was spending the summer in Europe between my junior and senior years of high school.

On July 10, 1984, our group of about 12 students was in the small hamlet of Wil, Switzerland. We stayed at a small hostel-like hotel. The owners, knowing it was someone's birthday, laid out a huge spread of food for us. At the big moment, they brought in the main course: Huge steaming bowls of what we all swore looked like creamed bologna.

"Who's the birthday boy?" they asked. Everyone pointed at me. The bowls of shredded, creamy lunchmeat were put in front me. "What an honor," my best friend snickered. Turns out it was actually some type of veal, not bologna, and it was easily one of the best meals of my life.

We followed up dinner with MANY bottles of Lowenbrau Zurich and then I was thrown into the shower fully clothed (which was the birthday tradition on that trip, for some reason) along with a beautiful girl, Stephanie (pictured right here). The night ended with half the group all passed out, mostly undressed, in my bed.

And people wonder why I'm stuck in the '80s.

So today I turn 42. There will be no bicycles, no creamed veal, surely no Lowenbrau Zurich. But because I'm going to spend it in New Orleans, the chance for chili dogs (my beloved Lucky Dogs) is about 100 percent. And the odds that I end the night fully clothed in the shower are better than average. That a hot girl is with me? Very remote.

The point here: Enjoy the great birthdays -- and showers -- of your life when you have them. Because despite what the calendars say, they don't come along every year.

TOP 10 SHOWER SCENES OF THE '80s:

10. FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981): Lynn-Holly Johnson explains to James Bond how she builds muscle tone.

9. BULL DURHAM (1988): A whole shower full of lollygaggers.

8. SIXTEEN CANDLES (1984): John Hughes wasn't big on nudity in his flicks. And yes, there's a body double (Paula Elser) for Haviland Morris in the shower scene.

7. MORGAN STEWART'S COMING HOME (1987): Jon Cryer and his girlfriend wore horror masks while bathing.

6. DRESSED TO KILL (1980): That's Penthouse model Victoria Lynn, not Angie Dickinson, in the shower. Does it really matter?

5. VACATION (1983): "Could I do your back, honey?" ... "I've already done my back." ... "Could I do your front?"

4. WEIRD SCIENCE (1985): Note to Anthony Michael Hall: When showering with Kelly LeBrock, do not wear jeans.

3. RISKY BUSINESS (1983): "The dream is always the same." Everyone forgets the Tom Cruise movie opens with "Joel Goodsen" and his shower dream. "You want me to go?" "No," she says; "I want you to wash my back." "So now, I'm gettin' enthusiastic about this dream."

2. PORKY'S (1982): "Do not attempt to apprehend this p---k, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."

1. VALLEY GIRL (1983): Narrowly wins the top spot for three reasons. 1) It's not a dream. 2) All parties are nude, and we don't know exactly who the female is until the surprise twist. 3) They end up in bed, where they're eaten by the monster of love.

Everything we need to know, we can learn from a Sylvester Stallone movie

He doesn't look like the same lovable loser from the first couple Rocky movies anymore, but give Sylvester Stallone a break. He turns 63 years old today. That's nearly the same age Burgess Meredith was when played the manager to the Italian Stallion. Yeesh.

Say what you like about some of the stinkers in Stallone's career -- and, well yeah, he had a couple: Rhinestone, Cobra ... and we dare not mention Oscar and Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot. (Hope they paid well, at least.)

These days, Stallone is keeping a lower profile but he's still hard at work in front of the camera. Look for him in 2010 in The Expendables and The Zookeeper. And yes, a Rambo V is reportedly in the works for 2011. (What's the possible plot line? John Rambo running the local VFW?)

But the point here is deep, deep down inside nearly every Stallone flick, there's a nugget of wisdom that can be mined and used when life's got you down. So fire up your DVD player and get ready to learn, because this list is Sly's birthday gift to the rest of us.

TOP 5 LINES OF WISDOM FROM STALLONE FLICKS:

5. "There are no friendly civilians!"  (First Blood)

4. "Your body has to be here, but your mind can be anywhere." (Lock Up)

3. "Boy, sometimes charity really hurts!" (Rocky III)

2. "Rambo's a p---y." (Tango & Cash)

1. "Going in one more round when you don't think you can - that's what makes all the difference in your life." (Rocky IV)

[AP photo]

It's twin girls for the sausage king of Chicago

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick released a photo of their new twin daughters this week: Marion and Tabitha. (That's their son James Wilkie, 6, with them).

If you're feeling in more of a Ferris Bueller mood today, be sure to slip on a Detroit Red Wings jersey (HA-ha, they lost) and say happy birthday to Alan "Cameron Frye" Ruck, who turns 53 today.

Who are we leaving out? Oh, all the female characters from Ferris. Okay, in honor of the new twin babies...

TOP 5 LINES SPOKEN BY FEMALES IN FERRIS BUELLER:

5. "Gummi bear? It's been in my pocket; they're real warm and soft."

4. "Go piss up a flagpole."

3. "He's gonna marry me."

2. "My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."

1. "Excuse me: if whoever was in this house is still in the house, I'd like you to know that I've just called the police. I'd also like to add that I've got my father's gun and a *scorching* case of herpes."

[AP photo]

Nobody knows a broken heart like Cyndi Lauper

Don't paint Cyndi Lauper into a corner for her bright, poppy hits. For every Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, she has 10 hits like this one, The First Night Without You.

The tune, from 1989's A Night To Remember album, tells the story of coming home for the first night after a painful breakup. Sounds simple but the lyrics drip with agony, hopelessness and despair:

"I sit here like a fool
Remembering everything
The way we used to talk
The songs that we used to sing
I've got to try and leave
The past behind
But my memory's so good
I think that I'm losing my mind."

Read the rest of the lyrics if you dare. You'd have to be less than human not the feel the dagger sliding into your heart. 

Cyndi turns 56 years old today. She has a short tour of concert dates in the works for the summer. (I hope she makes to Florida this time around.) I wish I could give her a big, bear-hug for her birthday. I think we can both use it.

TOP 5 SADDEST CYNDI LAUPER SONGS:

5. I'LL BE YOUR RIVER: "Finding the right one is becoming a science. I'd like to scream but I ain't gonna be heard." [Video]

4. CHANGE OF HEART: "If it's truth that you're looking to find, it is nowhere outside of your mind."[Video]

3. I DROVE ALL NIGHT: "Nothing erases the feeling between me and you." [Video]

2. THE FIRST NIGHT WITHOUT YOU: "Will I be able to sleep? Will I lie in my bed and weep? What if I forget and reach for you? Will I dream about you?" [Video]

1. TIME AFTER TIME: "After my picture fades and darkness has turned to gray. Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm okay. "[Video]

Happy birthday, Jim Belushi: Do you know your Litgo from your Ridzik?

Jim Belushi was a god in the '80s. Great roles, great laughs, one good movie after another ... well, up until 1989 when he cranked out K-9 and Homer & Eddie. (All is forgiven though after Salvador and About Last Night.)

But you know the best part about Belushi, who turns 55 years old today? His character names. Leave it to saps like Keanu Reeves to have lame characters named "Johnny Utah." Belushi's names come straight out of the phone book in Chicago, where he grew up. (For crying out loud, he was Dr. Rock in one flick!)

See if you can match the character names with the movie. All these are from movies between 1986 and 1991:

CHARACTERS:
1. Art Ridzik
2. Bill Dancer
3. Patrick Martin
4. Rick Latimer
5. Nick Pirandello
6. Doctor Rock
7. Bernie Litgo
8. Jimmy Dworski
9. Larry Joseph Burrows
10. Salvatore Buonarte

MOVIES:
a. Salvador
b. About Last Night
c. Taking Care of Business
d. Red Heat
e. The Principal
f. Real Men
g. Only the Lonely
h. Mr. Destiny
i. Little Shop of Horrors
j. Curly Sue

(Click the comments area below to see the answers)

Play Tetris for free online! (Because it's more fun than work)

Hard to believe, but Tetris is celebrating its 25th birthday this month. (What? No party invitation for us '80s fans? Even after those snobs at Asteroids and Pac-Man snubbed us too?)

You just wanna play for free right now at your desk, don't you? Click here to play a free Flash-based version of Tetris. And quietly hum happy birthday when you clear that first level.

The game was invented in June 1984 when Alexey Pajitnov, a Russian-born mathematician fond of puzzles, wrote the first program for Tetris in his spare time. His electronic puzzle challenged players to arrange puzzle pieces along the bottom of a matrix. When a horizontal line is full, it disappears and gives the player more open space to continue playing.

Sounds dull when you actually explain the game's premise, doesn't it?

Still, the popularity of Tetris has grown every year since its humble birth -- first as an arcade game, then as a desktop computer diversion and today as an app on mobile devices. According to EA Mobile, more than 75 million Tetris products have sold for mobile platforms. And AT&T, still the exclusive carrier of the iPhone, reports that Tetris is the top-selling game for the first quarter of 2009.

If you're an avid player, expect some cool additions to your fave game soon. According to Henk Rogers, head of Blue Planet Software (which holds the licensing rights), "the best is yet to come."

"We’re working on versions of Tetris that will make it possible to have international games similar to the Olympics, or the World Cup," Rogers said in an online statement this week. "We have a vision of the future where people all over the world can meet and become friends without speaking the same language."

Marty McFly turns 48 years old? This is heavy

Michael J. Fox is 48 years old? Great Scott! Alas, Michael Andrew Fox was born on this day back in 1961 in Edmonton, Alberta.

What a minute. Andrew? Yep. Turns out that when Michael started his acting career, he briefly went by "Michael Fox" until he discovered there was already another older actor by that name. Andrew Fox didn't cut mustard, so he decided to take "J" as a middle initial. Why? It sounded good. Another report has it that it's a tribute to actor Michael J. Pollard. And seriously, can you imagine saying his name now without the J?

Feel free to share your opinion on his biggest contribution to the '80s: Family Ties (good pick), Teen Wolf (seriously?), maybe even Secret of My Success, Bright Lights Big City or Casualties of War.

Sorry, but I'm going for the obvious -- Back to the Future. Shot almost entirely in the middle of the night (he was taping Family Ties during the day), the Robert Zemeckis flick is pure '80s genius. It's been mentioned in a Ronald Reagan speech, secured in the National Film Registry at the Library of Congress and, in 2008, was named by the American Film Institute as one of the 10 best films in 10 "classic" American film genres. (Check out a bunch of classic clips on Hulu.)

These days, Fox continues to crusade for a cure for Parkinson's disease, which the actor has lived with since about 1990. And he's back to work in front of the camera, appearing in this season of TV's Rescue Me. Great to have you back, Michael.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LINES BY MARTY McFLY IN BACK TO THE FUTURE:

5. "History is gonna change."

4. "Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor ... fluxxing."

3. "If you guys ever have kids and one of them when he's 8 years old accidentally sets fire to the living room rug ... go easy on him."

2. "This is heavy."

1. "What happens to us in the future? Do we become a--h---- or something?"

25 years later, 'Born in the USA' is still iconic Bruce Springsteen

Twenty-five years later, you can still hear the songs of the cash registers ringing away for our '80s blue-collar hero Bruce Springsteen. Yep, on June 4, 1984, the Boss released an album you may have heard of ... Born in the USA. 

It's nearly impossible to say anything about this album that hasn't already been shouted from the corners of the planet. But here's some quickie facts that still amaze 25 years later:

• Born in the USA went platinum just one month after its released and spawned seven Top 10 singles during 1984 and 1985.
• Dancing in the Dark was the first single, but actually a late addition to the album lineup after producers wanted a sure-fire hit right away. Of course, everyone knows which Friend appears in the music video.
• On Rolling Stone's list of the greatest albums of all time, it ranks 85th. Born To Run, his 1975 album, is No. 18. (But Born in the USA does rank No. 6 on the magazine's 100 greatest albums of the '80s list.)
• The iconic cover photo of Bruce's butt? Taken by Annie Leibovitz of course.
• Only one song reached No. 1 on the charts -- Dancing in the Dark. (The title track, which is often mistaken for a patriotic anthem, only reached No. 9).
• Most of the songs were written about the same time as the songs from 1982's Nebraska, according to interviews with Bruce. 

It's probably one of five albums from the '80s that anyone who grew up in the decade HAD to own, whether you listened to it or not. Others would include Michael Jackson's Thriller, AC/DC's Back in Black, Prince's Purple Rain and U2's Joshua Tree.

TOP 5 FAVORITE SONGS FROM BORN IN THE USA:

5. COVER ME: Straight out rocker. (And sorry, but there's no way I'm putting the title track on this list. I can't stand it.) Listen

4. MY HOMETOWN: For some reason, I think of its use in Roger and Me every time I hear it, and think of poor Flint, Michigan. Live performance

3. DANCING IN THE DARK: Okay, I admit it. It's just because of Courtney Cox.

2. I'M GOIN' DOWN: Catchy, fun and thankfully not an earworm. Listen

1. GLORY DAYS: Sorry, but it's practically the unspoken anthem of Stuck in the '80s. And it has a classic video.

Morrissey: I just want to see the birthday boy happy

Time to throw our arms around Morrissey: He turns 50 years old today. (What's the over-under on how many song titles I can work into a blog item? Oh, what differences does it make? And don't panic, I'm sure I can't come up with 50 of them.)

Born Steven Patrick Morrissey on this date back in 1959 in Davyhulme, Urmston, Lancashire, this charming man still has legions of fans who follow every album and tour long after his days with the Smiths ended. Though I'm still miffed that the sweet and tender hooligan tends to get sick and cancel shows every time his tour reaches Florida. Perhaps it's a circulatory problem with his Irish blood and English heart. I know, I know, that joke isn't funny anymore.

So beloved is Moz that fans have created the Happy Birthday Morrissey Web site. Check out all the fan well-wishing going on there. How will the birthday boy celebrate? By playing a gig tonight at the Apollo in Manchester.

And you can stop looking for more song-title puns -- did you really think I could work Piccadilly Palare or Dagenham Dave into a blog item? I've obviously started something I couldn't finish.

Balki is 50 years old? Don't be ridi-cool-us

Balki or Serge? Serge or Balki? Don't try to boil Bronson Pinchot's '80s contributions down to his roles in Perfect Strangers and Beverly Hills Cop. Pinchot gave us so much more.

Have you forgotten that Bronson was Tom Cruise's best friend in Risky Business? He has at least a dozen great lines in his first-ever movie appearance (and he invented the "Memo Minder!"). He's also Matt Dillon's buddy in The Flamingo Kid, lusting hopelessly after the future Mrs. Wayne Gretzky, Janet Jones. There are even less-memorable - okay, practically forgettable performances - in Bachelor Party, Hot Resort and Second Sight.

These days, Bronson may be hard to spot onscreen -- he does still guest-star on TV dramas regularly and has regular gigs on Broadway -- but his voice is bringing home the paycheck. He's a sought-after reader of audiobooks and voice man for cartoons and commercials. Hey, it's a good living for someone born 50 years ago today in New York as Bronson Alcott Poncharavsky.

Enjoy your top 5 list, Bronson. And yes, we'll take an espresso with a little lemon twist.

TOP 5 BRONSON PINCHOT ROLES OF ALL TIME:

5. TRUE ROMANCE (Elliot): "My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree."

4. THE FLAMINGO KID (Alfred): "Carla, when I see you, I think of Wonder Woman, tying me up with her golden lasso."

3. RISKY BUSINESS (Barry): "Hit it."

2. PERFECT STRANGERS (Balki): "Now we are so happy, we do the Dance of Joy!"

1. BEVERLY HILLS COP (Serge): "Would you like a little espresso? I make it right in back with a little lemon twist. You should try it! It's good!"