Pacino's "cockroaches of the '80s"

Al Pacino has made exactly 2,347 movies during his long, distinguished career. Well, that might be a slight exaggeration. But it seems that way. So isn't a little odd that only FIVE of them appear in the '80s? What gives?

Turns out, I know the answer. Pacino -- who turns 68 years old today -- pretty much retreated from films in the 80s after several of the flicks he starred in were commercial and critic disasters. We're talking dreadful, unwatchable stuff like Revolution (1985), Author! Author! (1982) and Cruising (1980).

Instead, he spent the decade on stage, which does me no good for this blog, since I've yet to write a "Top 5 Stage Performances of the '80s" list -- nor am I likely to do so anytime in this lifetime.

So say hello, and happy birthday, to my little friend. A little extra "Scarface" love today.

TOP 5 "TONY MONTANA" LINES FROM SCARFACE:

5. "I always tell the truth. Even when I lie."

4. "I bury those cockroaches!"

3. "All I have in this world is my balls and my word and I don't break them for no one."

2. "In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women."

1. "Say hello to my little friend!"

The godfather of '80s television

This afternoon, the role of the Stuck in the 80s blogger will be played by Jane:

Cocktails and dreams everyone! Spunky Stuck in the '80s cub reporter Jane here, filling in for Mr. Spears, who is up to the top of his handsome head in packing material and moving boxes, furiously searching for the one with the towels in it, so he can finally take a shower. Dude, it's got to be there somewhere -- good luck!

Today we're celebrating the birthday of one of the seminal figures in television: the late Mr. Aaron Spelling, born April 22, 1923. (Alas, Spelling passed away in 2006. No word on whether the sea-plane sprinkled his ashes over a waving Mr. Roarke and Tattoo.)

Known now more as the father of media gadfly Tori and the godfather of "Beverly Hills 90210" and "Melrose Place," Spelling was first and foremost a man of the '80s. You couldn't turn on the tube in those days without encountering one of his programs on the screen. I should know -- I watched most of them.

From the one-two punch of "The Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" on Saturday evenings, which I would tune in to before getting ready to go out to some late-night college party; to the original must-see TV of "Dynasty" on Wednesday nights; to the charming Nick-and-Nora throwback sleuths Jonathan and Jennifer Hart.

I did draw the line at watching some Spelling shows. He was also responsible for "Life with Lucy" -- the awful sitcom that served as Lucille Ball's last staring role. Nobody's perfect.

So grab a glass of champagne from Isaac, our friendly "Love Boat" bartender, and let's toast to ...

AARON SPELLING'S TOP 5 CONTRIBUTIONS TO 80s TV:

5. THE CATCH PHRASES: He provided us with "Da plane! Da plane!" ..  "Smiles, everyone, smiles" and "Love, exciting and new..."  True confession: I have Jack Jones crooning the "Love Boat" theme on my iPod. Shut. Up.

4. THE ULTIMATE 80s BABE: He signed not one, but two paychecks for Heather Locklear (T.J. Hooker and Dynasty), thus garnering the eternal gratitude of men young and old everywhere.

3. THE FASHION: He was single handedly responsible for the popularity of shoulder pads, huge jewelry pieces and shellacked, sky-high coiffures, thanks to the fashion-consciousness of "Dynasty" and its spin-off, "The Colbys." Admit it, you yourself sported one or all of these looks or dated someone who did.  This was the fashion of the day, and we were all slaves to it.

2. KIRK, YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, MY OLD FRIEND: He gave William "T.J. Hooker" Shatner and his hairpiece something to do during the '80s other than attending Star Trek conventions.

1. THE GUEST STARS: He kept half of Hollywood employed via the enormous amount of guest star opportunities on his shows. When those opening credits rolled for "The Love Boat" or "Hotel" or "Fantasy Island," you never knew whose name would pop up: Andy Warhol, Shirley Jones, John Ritter, Roddy McDowell, Carolyn Jones (who was married to Spelling in the '60s), Sonny Bono, Ethel Merman, Charo. The Screen Actors Guild must have loved this guy. As did the Retired Actors Home.

Here's to you, Mr. Spelling. Thanks for the memories.

'You don't treat me like your punk, ok?'

Call me a masochist, but I love 1989's "Best of the Best." I'll watch it every time it's on cable -- which seems like every Friday night about 2:30 a.m.

What's great about it? Surely not the disturbingly simple plot. Or the odd casting of James Earl Jones as a Tae Kwon Do coach for the U.S. national team. Not even the ballooning figure of the late Christopher Penn as cowboy hat-wearing board-crusher.

It's Eric Roberts. It was the last great role for an actor who has managed to snatch B-movie status from mouth of a once-promising film career.

Roberts turns 52 years old today. How will he celebrate? Depends on what dinner theater he's performing in tonight. Here's a birthday list for you, Eric.

TOP 5 ROLES OF ERIC ROBERTS IN THE 80s:

5. BEST OF THE BEST (1989): "Pop it, Pop it Tommy, POP IT!"

4. THE COCA-COLA KID (1985): "Is that the Australian sound? I mean, do we have the Australian sound here?"

3. RUNAWAY TRAIN (1985): "Hey Manny, You don't treat me like your punk, ok?"

2. STAR 80 (1983): "Well, you can take your magazine, you mansion and your movies and shove'em ALL up your a-- now."

1. THE POPE OF GREENWICH VILLAGE (1984): "Horses ain't like people, man, they can't make themselves better than they're born."

[AP photo]

The 'Cucumber' turns 50

This just sounds weird, but: Alec Baldwin may be the most bankable actor working today. There's not a movie or TV show I would miss if he is making an appearance in it.

(At this point, I must invoke the rule I like to call "The Pluto Nash Exception." Baldwin shows up in that dog and -- let's face it -- nothing can improve that suck-fest of a flick.)

My personal favorite Baldwin movies of recent years: "The Cooler" with William Macy, "The Departed" with Scorsese and the gang, and even his bit role as a shoe tycoon in my beloved "Elizabethtown." I'm serious about that last one. Great flick, and he has all the good lines -- "I cry a lot." (Me too, Alec. Me too.)

But like all great geniuses, Baldwin -- who turns FIFTY YEARS OLD!!! today -- can look back on the '80s as his salad days.

TOP FIVE ALEC BALDWIN ROLES FROM THE '80s:

5. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE (1989): Baldwin as Jimmy Swaggart? Oh lord. Anything to wipe the memory of Dennis Quaid as Jerry Lee Lewis.

4. BEETLE JUICE (1988): "Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore."

3. MARRIED TO THE MOB (1988): Anytime your character's name is 'Cucumber' Frank de Marco, people pay attention. Nicknames count. Just ask my Stuck in the 80s co-host Sean "The Gherkin" Daly.

2. WORKING GIRL (1988): Is "Mick" really the bad guy? He did buy Melanie Griffith a sexy birthday present. And he does have the greatest line: "Wait! This isn't what it looks like."

1. SHE'S HAVING A BABY (1988): Baldwin steals the movie from Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the self-absorbed best friend. And he's a walking quote machine: "Sure, you'll be happy -- you just won't know it."

[AP photo]

"Kirk, you're still alive, my old friend"

What to hear something that will make you feel old and tired, as if the world were ending tomorrow (the opposite of the "Genesis Effect" for you Trekkies out there): William Shatner turns 77 years old today.

It's at this point that I usually make my case that today's birthday honoree enjoyed his finest days in the 80s. And I'll do that momentarily. But if you haven't seen Shatner's performance in 1998's "Free Enterprise," where he plays a (hopefully) comic version of himself, you're letting the best of life pass you by.

Still, between TV's "T.J. Hooker" and the Star Trek movies of the 80s, it's a wonder we don't call that the "Shatner Decade."

OK, that's pushing it. Still, what red-blooded (or green-blooded) life-form doesn't weep uncontrollably as Kirk breaks down during Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan? That's where we all learn that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few ... or the one.

Leave it to Shatner to prove him wrong in Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock.

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW, YOU CAN LEARN FROM CAPT. KIRK:

• "Galloping around the cosmos is a game for the young."
• "The Klingons don't take prisoners."
• "We learn by doing."
• "The needs of the one outweighed the needs of the many."
• "Nobody pays any attention to you unless you swear every other word."
• "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves."
• "I've always known I'll die alone."

A surprise legend of the '80s

Ready for this proclamation? Aidan Quinn, who turns 49 this weekend, was a consistently better actor in the '80s than Tom Cruise, Harrison Ford, Kevin Costner -- just about anybody.

Starting with Daryl Hannah in 1984's Reckless and then vastly improving movies like Desperately Seeking Susan, Quinn appeared in just five big-time movies in the 80s -- Crusoe, The Mission and Stakeout were the others -- with three more for TV. And unlike Cruise, who still gets zinged for "Legend" and "Losin' It," Quinn's work was excellent.

He's probably better known today for his '90s work, when he starred in 18 films including The Handmaid's Tale, Avalon, Legends of the Fall ("I followed all of the rules, man's and God's. And you, you followed none of them. And they all loved you more.") and the vastly underappreciated The Assignment.

What makes him so watchable? His ability to play the good guy and bad guy with equal skill (sometimes in the same movie -- again, see "The Assignment.")

TOP 5 AIDAN QUINN MOVIES -- ALL TIME:

5. AVALON (1990): "He wets the bed. My dad wets the bed."

4. STAKEOUT (1987): "Isn't love great, Chris? One minute you're a god, the next minute you're a scum-suckin' pig."

3. LEGENDS OF THE FALL (1994): "You have won her. I am bringing her home."

2. RECKLESS (1984): "Well, I'm pretty f---in' upset and it's definitely your fault."

1. THE ASSIGNMENT (1997): "I've made you and the children a target because someone out there is going to kill you unless I kill him first. That's my job. And if you don't mind, I'm late for work."

If only 'The Jerk' had been made in the '80s

Sadly, there's no pretty way to package the silver screen portfolio of Bernadette Peters, who turns 60 years old today. She was nearly box office poison in the '80s. The "Steven Seagal" of her era. The female equivalent of Steve Guttenberg. (Wait ... why are all the phonies named Steve? I'm not sure I like this trend.)

Before we unleash today's Top 5 list, let's add this one important concession: On Broadway, where she shows off her singing and dancing, Peters is a goddess. And I'd crawl through broken glass to see her perform in person.

But for those of us who don't live within an hour of Manhattan, we're forced to consider these infamous appearances.

TOP 5 FORGETTABLE '80s MOVIES WITH BERNADETTE PETERS:

5. ANNIE (1982): I know it's considered a classic, but sit through 5 minutes of it and you'll no longer be upset by the phrase "beaten like a red-headed step-child."

4. PINK CADILLAC (1989): This is one movie even co-star Clint Eastwood would surely disavow. Adding to the aggravation, I can't even say "Pink Cadillac" without singing that hideous Bruce Springsteen song in my head.

3. PENNIES FROM HEAVEN (1981): A period musical -- in the wrong period. At least she got to star with boyfriend Steve Martin.

2. TULIPS (1981): Here are the words every actress dreads hearing: "Meet your co-star, Gabe Kaplan!"

1. HEARTBEEPS (1981): Among the top 10 worst movies of the decade. "It's all right, Rover. These friendly robots are obviously not mischievous trespassers."

We still believe in Molly Ringwald

Molly Ringwald this week turns the big "Four-Oh my god the 80s are aging too fast."

I doubt she's spending her 40th the same way I spent mine back in July: Gambling away all the mortgage money at the craps table at the Bellagio. But she can blow on my dice anytime.

Rather than drone on and on about her importance to the very fiber of my existence, let me allow Molly the opportunity to teach us her sagely wisdom.

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE, YOU CAN LEARN FROM MOLLY RINGWALD:

• "Us loners got to stick together." (Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone)
• "I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation." (Sixteen Candles)
• "When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?" (Sixteen Candles)
• "Academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs." (Breakfast Club)
• "If somebody doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them." (Pretty in Pink)
• "When you're pregnant, sometimes you get hemorrhoids, okay?" (For Keeps)
• "You don't want me, I'm used, I'm worn out, I'm bad goods, you can't trust me." (Fresh Horses)

'Whatever you want, Leo Getz'

You may think of Joe Pesci as a '90s star because of his work in "Goodfellas" and "Casino" (not to mention the vastly underrated comedy of "The Super").

But Pesci, who turns 65 years old today, had a slew of great roles in the '80s, beginning with some little film in 1980 that you might have heard of: "Raging Bull." Followed by "Easy Money," "Once Upon A Time in America" and "Lethal Weapon 2." (And a dozen other small roles sprinkled in between.)

These days, Pesci is taking it slower. In 1999, he announced he was retiring from film and has since made only one cameo appearance ("The Good Shepherd" in 2006). However, he's cast to appear in 2009's "Love Ranch" with Helen Mirren.

Meanwhile, the celeb websites are reporting Pesci has popped the question to his girlfriend, 37-year-old Angie Everhart, the former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Way to enjoy retirement, Joe.

TOP 5 PRINTABLE JOE PESCI LINES FROM THE 80s:

5. "Everyone cheats a little bit... look at the Pentagon!" (Lethal Weapon 2)

4. "You win, you win. You lose, you still win." (Raging Bull)

3. "They f--- you at the drive-thru, okay?" (Lethal Weapon 2)

2. "Here they are, 'The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse'! Did you happen to see that movie, Joe? It's a good movie." (Once Upon a Time in America)

1. "I'm Leo Getz, and whatever you want, Leo gets." (Lethal Weapon 2)

His birthday wish? Diff'rent Strokes remake

Gary Coleman turns 40 years old today. Everybody together now: "What choo talkin' bout, Willis!"

It's at this point that normally I'd make a case that today's 80s birthday hero wasn't a one-trick pony. But sadly, Coleman doesn't give me much to work with. A quick glance at his work in the 80s ("On The Right Track," "The Kid With The 200 I.Q." etc. ) ... well, you just better love "Diff'rent Strokes!"

But give Gary credit: He's still a working actor. He may not have the tremendous acting chops of Conrad Bain or Dana Plato to lean on anymore. But I'd gladly exchange my paycheck for the one he got for playing "Pizza Guy" in 2007's "A Christmas Too Many."

Still, it's his guest appearances that I really covet.

TOP 5 GUEST APPEARANCES BY GARY COLEMAN IN THE 80s:

5. SIMON & SIMON: Every 80s star guest-starred on this show at one point or another. Coleman appeared in 1986 as "Lewis Peoples."

4. SILVER SPOONS: He played his Diff'rent Strokes character "Arnold Jackson" for one episode.

3. THE FACTS OF LIFE: He played "Arnold Jackson" for two episodes this time. Even Mrs. Garrett was ready to boot him from the house after that, I'm guessing. 

2. STEVEN SPIELBERG'S AMAZING STORIES: Playing "Arnold" again? Yep. Only Spielberg could come up with a storyline for someone as overexposed as Coleman by now.

1. BUCK ROGERS IN THE 25TH CENTURY: Coleman plays "Hieronymous Fox." Great stage name. And getting to snuggle up next to Erin Gray -- interstellar!

[Getty Images]

Comedy is tragedy ... plus Alan Alda

Here's a question you wouldn't expect on a Monday morning: Does Alan Alda count as an 80s icon?

His signature work -- Hawkeye in "M*A*S*H" -- began in '72 but lasted through 1983. (Alda co-wrote and directed the series finale -- "Goodbye, Farewell and Amen.")

But several of his most under-appreciated film roles also came in the 80s. Of them, Woody Allen's "Crimes and Misdemeanors" stands out for Alda, since it's one of the first times he plays a villain (something that would be commonplace later in his career).

But don't underestimate the simplicity of "Sweet Liberty," where Alda plays a small-town history professor whose book on the Revolutionary War is nearly turned into a farce by Hollywood. (Casting Michael Caine as the horn-dog British commander -- jolly good!)

Alda turns 72 years old today. Queue up some his classic work and honor our favorite Army surgeon.

5 GREAT ALAN ALDA LINES FROM THE 80s:

5. "Mom, the Devil is not in your kitchen." (Sweet Liberty)

4. "If it bends, it's funny. If it breaks, it isn't." (Crimes and Misdemeanors)

3. "Comedy is tragedy plus time!" (Crimes and Misdemeanors)

2. "I think I should warn you - I have a sword in my bag." (Sweet Liberty)

1. "Father, I may never see you again, and before you go, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long time. Your shirt's on backwards." (M*A*S*H)

"Juuuust a bit outside..."

Everyone's favorite baseball commentator turns 73 years old this weekend.

The play-by-play announcer for the Milwaukee Brewers since the 70s, Bob Uecker also has made more than 50 appearances on the "Tonight Show," had an acting part in the 80s sitcom "Mr. Belvedere" and has filmed more Miller Lite beer commercials than any other human on the planet.

However, to hard-core 80s fans (are there any other kind?), he'll always be remembered as "Harry Doyle" in 1989's "Major League."

TOP 5 BOB UECKER LINES FROM MAJOR LEAGUE:

5. "In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar."

4. "Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant."

3. "Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair."

2. "This guy threw at his own son in a father-son game."

1. "Juuust a bit outside."

Happy birthday, John Belushi

The odd ending to the equally odd 1981 flick "Neighbors":

Top 5 memorable lines from Neighbors:

5. "I was real friendly with a boy named Earl once - well, twice really."

4. "We haven't any children, unless Ramona just pumped one out and didn't tell me about it."

3. "Hey Earl, want some of your daughter's panties? They come in four flavors; banana, peach, mint and, of course, cherry!"

2. "You touched my brick?"

1. "This is crazy... but there's something so right about it."

A return to Journey? Don't stop believin'

Are you actually at work today? You mean your job doesn't give you the day off for "Steve Perry's Birthday?" What is this country coming to?

Our favorite Journey singer turns 59 years old today. Seems like just yesterday he was prancing around in tuxedo tails on stage at the Lakeland Civic Center singing "Stone In Love." (Alas, it was Oct. 22, 1981.)

Perry usually posts a birthday greeting to his still-devoted fans. But you'll have to keep checking the Fan Asylum site to see if Perry has penned it yet.

Back in June, Perry went online to debunk rumors of a Journey reunion: "It has been brought to my attention that there is a rumor circulating that I am reuniting with Journey. I want to go on record as saying that I have no such plans whatsoever to do that. What you have heard is only a rumor. I'm truly sorry for any disappointment this rumor may be causing."

These days, Journey continues moving along without Perry, but in a way, he's still leaving his mark on the band. This fall, Journey announced that Arnel Pineda would join the band and handle lead vocal duties. Pineda's credentials? He sounds exactly like Perry.

That's one way of having your legacy stick around long after you leave the room.

[Publicity photo from Columbia]

The comic genius of 'Airplane'

Looks like I picked the wrong day to honor Lloyd Bridges. Actually, it's the perfect day. Today, Bridges would have been 295 years old. (Actually, just 95, but doesn't it seem like he's been around that long?)

Bridges is old school -- capital O and S. But his contributions to the 80s are worth a tip 'o the cap. "Love Boat" episodes. "Paper Dolls." Horny old "Vincent Kozinski" in "Cousins." (Dude, I loved him back in '78 playing Commander Cain in Battlestar Galactica!) And though they fell in the 90s, he kills me in "Joe Versus The Volcano" and "Hot Shots."

But any discussion of Bridges is incomplete without considering his role as "Steven McCroskey" in the "Airplane" movies. I have no idea whether he understood the comic genius of his role at the time, but Bridges was legendary in the original flick.

Alas, Bridges passed away in 1998. But somewhere up there, he's going to enjoy today's top 5 list.

TOP 5 MEMORABLE LLOYD BRIDGES LINES:

5. "Well, does it take more guts to twice traverse a staircase in a burning building, or to make a one-time leap into a volcano? Damned if I know, Kemosabe." (Joe Versus The Volcano)

4. "My eyes are ceramic. Caught a bazooka round at Little Big Horn. Or was it Okinawa? The one without the Indians." (Hot Shots)

3. "I'd rather have a case of the clap than a case of this wine." (Cousins)

2. "And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, guts! Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!" (Airplane II)

1. "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." (Airplane)

How well do you know Pat Benatar?

It's been a long time since she hit the top of the charts with killer singles like "Treat Me Right" and "Hell is for Children," but Pat Benatar is still cranking out the live shows with gusto. The pint-sized star turns 55 years old today.

Though her last big hit -- "Sex as a Weapon" -- came way back in '85, Benatar continued her recording career through the 90s. These days, she lives a slightly quieter and more comfortable life -- on a farm in Hawaii with her husband, guitarist Neil Giraldo. However, she launches a short tour of the Northeast and Midwest in April. Hey, what about the rest of the U.S.?

While we wait for a show near us, try this quick Pat Benatar quiz:

1. TRUE OR FALSE: Pat changed her name from Patricia Mae Andrzejewski because it was too difficult to spell on show fliers.

2. TRUE OR FALSE: She was discovered as a singer after performing at amateur night at the comedy club Catch A Rising Star.

3. TRUE OR FALSE: Her first big hit was a cover of John Mellencamp's "I Need A Lover."

4. TRUE OR FALSE: Her video for "Shadows of The Night" featured future Fast Times at Ridgemont High stars Sean Penn and Phoebe Cates.

5. TRUE OR FALSE: Her signature "Pat Benatar" wardrobe was actually a Halloween costume she wore on stage as a joke.

Surely real 80s fans will get all these correct. Still need help? Then go way back in time and re-listen to our old Stuck in the 80s podcast on Pat Benatar.

[tbt* photo by Slobodan Juric]

He'll never wave bye-bye

Am I wrong to want to claim David Bowie entirely as an 80s guy? (Yeah, I know. It's a stretch.) But Bowie really hit super stardom then -- more than two dozen songs hit the chats. And he made some pretty excellent videos in the process.

Bowie turns 61 years old, but thanks to modern technology, he doesn't look a day over 29. Well, maybe 39. Who's really counting? Let's hope his birthday wish is to do a retro-80s tour, featuring all our favorite tunes from the decade, including these gems.

TOP 5 FAVORITE DAVID BOWIE TUNES FROM THE 80s:

5. ABSOLUTE BEGINNERS: "As long as you're still smiling, there's nothing more I need/"

4. CHINA GIRL: "Oh baby, just you shut your mouth."

3. LET'S DANCE: "Let's dance for fear tonight is all."

2. MODERN LOVE: "I never wave bye-bye."

1. UNDER PRESSURE (with Freddie Mercury): "These are the days it never rains but it pours."

Postscript: Let me add that I think "Blue Jean" is an absolute classic and deserving to be on the top 5 list. However, I think I'm jaded because I thought the longer video that went with it was truly phenomenal. Without it, I'm not sure I'd be so attached to the song. Click here to view it.

Share a birthday beer with Ted Danson

Ted Danson, everyone's favorite barkeep, turns 60 years old today. (His hairpiece turns 25.)

It'd be super-easy to sing his "Cheers" praises. (Favorite rambling Sam Malone line: "To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story.")

But let's try something more difficult: Pointing out the best movies Danson made in the 80s. (Crickets, crickets.)

Truth be told, our man Ted had a pretty decent career in the big screen, though even some of his die-hard fans have forgotten the titles. He's still cranking out the movies, with two in the bag already for 2008 ("The Human Contract" and "Mad Money.") But until we see those, try out today's top 5 list.

TOP 5 TEN DANSON MOVIES OF THE 80s:

5. A FINE MESS (1986): "She can't whistle while she works so she hums."

4. THREE MEN & A BABY (1987): "I'll bring you guys something back from Turkey. Maybe a drumstick."

3. CREEPSHOW (1982): "You can't shoot us dead, Richard ... because we're already dead!"

2. BODY HEAT (1981): "I've been living vicariously off of you for years. You shut up on me now, all I have is my wife."

1. COUSINS (1989): "Maria, would you dance with me?... Then, how about spending the rest of your life with me?"

I know, I know. "Cousins" is an odd pick for the top Danson movie. At times, it seems largely unwatchable, except for the parts with Lloyd Bridges and the wedding scene where the groom and pregnant bride are sharing their first dance -- to a U2 song. But it's also the only movie where you see much of Teddy. And anytime you get to sleep with Isabella Rossellini, well, that should count for something.

She still leads ... a glamorous life

Sheila E. turns 50 years old today! Seems like only 20 years ago, she was parading around with Prince in "Sign 'O' The Times." (Umm, well it was 20 years ago.)

Born "Sheila Escovedo," Sheila E. did indeed live the glamorous life in the 80s, not including her hit song of the same name. The drummer/percussionist played with Prince, Lionel Richie and Herbie Hancock -- among many, many others. She wrote and recorded with Prince, enjoyed her own solo career and led the house band on the truly dreadful talk show "The Magic Hour," starring Magic Johnson.

These days, Sheila is still out there performing. (Check her official website.) Her new band project C.O.E.D. (Chronicles of Every Diva) recently toured Europe this year. And she played several gigs again with Prince during his 2007 tour.

TOP 5 SHEILA E. SONGS FROM THE 80s:

5. Sister Fate: "I'm gonna stick around until this movie ends."

4. The Belle of St. Mark: "If he doesn't love me I think I'll probably die." 

3. Hold Me: "Would it be so wrong 2 want U by my side?"

2. A Love Bizarre: "It gets kinda rough in the back of our limousine."

1. The Glamorous Life: "Without love, it ain't much."

Getting reckless with Daryl Hannah

Once upon a time, she was a pinup princess. A blonde vision sent from heaven to tantalize male movie-goers. A sex symbol for a generation of guys who were just outgrowing their Garanimals.

Oh yes, Daryl Hannah was a goddess. And even though she turned 47 years old today, to the 80s generation she's still a mermaid ("Splash"), or a high school cheerleader turned rebel ("Reckless") or even a "replicant" ("Blade Runner"). Man, is there a role she had in the 80s that sucked? (Well, maybe "Ayla" in "Clan of the Cave Bear." Or is it Care Bear?)

Daryl has come a long way since those salad days. These days, she's a big-time environmentalist with her own blog called DH Love Life. And speaking of love, she's dated a slew of big names over the years, including John F. Kennedy Jr., Val Kilmer and Jackson Browne.

And -- oh yeah -- she has five movies in production now. But the best from the old days? Ummm, Wall Street, Splash and Wall Street if you want the obvious picks. Otherwise ...

MOST UNDERRATED DARYL HANNAH MOVIES OF THE 80s:

5. Legal Eagles (1986): An overall unwatchable movie, except for Rod Stewart's tune ("Love Touch") and the lovely Daryl Hannah (who also sings a song in the movie -- "Put Out The Fire.")

4. Roxanne (1987): Yeah, this flick is all Steve Martin, but who wouldn't fall for Hannah. (Favorite line: "I thought you said, 'Earn more sessions by sleeving.' ")

3. High Spirits (1988): A tough movie to stand up for. On one hand, you have Hannah, Peter O'Toole and Liam Neeson. But you also have Steve Guttenberg, Peter Gallagher and Jennifer Tilly. Oh hell, just enjoy it. ("If he kills me one more time, I'll scream!")

2. Summer Lovers (1982): Peter Gallagher and Daryl again? Hmmm, prying minds what to know what's up. In the meantime, just enjoy all the sex threesome scenes set in the Greek islands.

1. Reckless (1984): A largely forgotten teenage flick from our decade, starring Aidan Quinn as the loner football play who falls for well-to-do Hannah as the popular cheerleader. Great, I mean GREAT pool scene. Need another reason to love it? Queue up the movie's signature song -- "Kids in America" by Kim Wilde.

Bo knows ... that he's getting old

Two-way sports icon Bo Jackson turns 45 years old today. The 1985 Heisman Trophy winner from Auburn University made a name in both baseball and football in the 80s. He was the first athlete to play in all-star games for two sports.

But it might be his commercials for which he's best remembered by casual 80s fans. His "Bo Knows" campaign for Nike in 1989 featured Jackson prevailing in golf, tennis, car racing, even luge with each sports star saying "Bo knows ...."

All except two notable names. Wayne Gretzky simply shakes his head and says "no" after Bo is featured on ice skates. (Actually, the commercial was filmed on a wooden floor, with Bo wearing socks. And Gretzky's simplified answer came after the commercial's director rejected The Great One's take on "Bo knows hockey.")

And blues master Bo Diddley gets the other laugh with "Bo don't know Diddley" after Jackson failed to master the guitar.

A hip replacement ended Jackson's sports career in the mid '90s, but he took the early retirement as a chance to return to Auburn and finish his college degree.

"God has his way of opening up our eyes to see reality," Jackson told ESPN during a SportsCentury profile. "The way He opened my eyes is to allow me to have this hip injury. That is a rough way to go, but I had to accept the fact."

"I'm a short, fat slut"

Seems like I've been seeing a lot of Goldie Hawn lately -- and I'm not just talking about the bathtub scene in "Wildcats."

Say what you want -- old people -- about Goldie's golden age on "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In." The 80s freaks out there want to lay claim on her as one of our decade's icons.

Hawn cranked out seven flicks in the 80s. Some were damn good ("Private Benjamin" and "Seems Like Old Times") while others were just plain fun ("Protocol" and "Overboard"). The others? Well, anytime you appear with Burt Reynolds in the 80s (like she did in "Best Friends"), you're rolling the dice with your career.

Hawn, who turns 62 years old today, hasn't had a film credit since 2002's "The Banger Sisters." (Never saw it, never will). Our birthday wish for Goldie? More great lines like these...

TOP FIVE GOLDIE HAWN LINES FROM THE 80s:

5. "Now I know what I've been faking all these years." (Private Benjamin)

4. "Are you going to bring me my lemon or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?" (Overboard)

3. "Every female character you create has breasts too large." (Best Friends)

2. "Be on the five in field minutes." (Wildcats)

1. "I'm a short, fat slut." (Overboard)

Mickey knew: 'Women weaken legs!'

Burgess Meredith would have been 99 years old today (umm, had he not died 10 years ago). But that's not the point. We've come to praise Burgess -- not to bury him (umm, again).

Everyone has their own "Meredith moment." Maybe you worshiped him as The Penguin while watching Batman reruns from the 60s. Or you loved "Grandpa Gustafson" in the "Grumpy Old Men" movies. ("Drop ... that ... fish!")

Real 80s aficionados need only recall his two finest gigs: "Mickey" the trainer in the first three "Rocky" movies. And "Ammon" the playwright in 1981's "Clash of the Titans." (Claymation villains and Harry Hamlin in a toga -- now that's old-school entertainment.)

Because as I'm about to prove to you...

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW, YOU CAN LEARN FROM A BURGESS MEREDITH MOVIE:

• "Keep hittin' em in the ribs! Don't let that bastard breathe!"
• "Ah the young. Why do they never listen? When will they ever learn?"
• "If you can catch a chicken, you can catch greased lighting."
• "Call no man happy who is not dead!"
• "Women weaken legs!"
• "Experience has taught me that life was tragic enough without my having to write about it."

'Mick, Mick, Mick! Speak English!'

Whoopi Goldberg (aside from having a name that would make for a great Major League relief pitcher) once had a thriving and eclectic film career back in our beloved 80s.

Why she chose to throw it all away and become a regular on the morning lobotomy-fest known as The View is beyond me. (I liken the show to watching footage of your own colonoscopy: Nothing good can come from it, and in the end you realize you've been watching the inside of your own a-- for an hour.)

Whoopi turns 52 years old today, and might I suggest she take the occasion to review her golden days of acting and consider a career change.

I'm not going to force things and say she had 5 great movies in the 80s. She had two -- The Color Purple and Jumpin' Jack Flash -- and then several dogs, including Homer and Eddie, Clara's Heart and Burglar.

But she's the queen of the great one-liners in her movies.

TOP 5 LINES FROM WHOOPI'S 80s MOVIES:

5. "You ruined my life, my 'do, AND my Manilow tapes!" (Burglar)

4. "If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna snatch this bad-boy off your head and ram it up your ole chocolate whiz-way." (Jumpin' Jack Flash)

3. "Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!" (The Color Purple)

2. "Mick, Mick, Mick! Speak English!" (Jumpin' Jack Flash)

1. "I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here!" (The Color Purple)

Seize the day, Ethan Hawke

Am I the only person out there who thinks Ethan Hawke (besides having the coolest "superhero" name in Hollywood) had the most interesting role in 1989's Dead Poet's Society?

In just his third movie, Hawke played the role of "Todd" (aka "Mr. Anderson! Don't think that I don't know that this assignment scares the hell out of you most!") He's the shy guy. The one who tries to write poetry but gives up to tackle chemistry homework. The one who won't read during the Dead Poet meetings. (The one most likely be become a software entrepreneur, serial killer or porn magazine publisher by today's standards.)

But his "sweaty-toothed mad-man" rant is just an epic breakthrough: "Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it will never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will cover just your head as you wail and cry and scream!"

Then Robin Williams, as "John Keating," congratulates him, smiling and saying only: "Don't you forget this."

Chills! Chills, I'm telling you.

Hawke turns 37 years old today. And I'm sure Ethan would agree with me that...

Everything You Need To Know, You Can Learn From Dead Poet's Society:

• "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."
• "Seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary."
• "Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for."
• "Sucking all the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone."
• "There is a time for daring and a time for caution, and a wise man knows which is called for."
• "You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all."

Is your Bryan Adams hanging out?

I have a theory about Bryan Adams: His music is on the radio just regularly enough that you don't really notice it unless someone points it out. (And when they do, it can be embarrassing -- sorta like having your zipper down.)

So my friends and I once came up with the code "Your Bryan Adams is hanging out" -- we'd say that anytime we left his music play unknowingly on the radio. (Of course, that was their way of saying change the channel. But I sorta dig Adams, so I let it "hang out.")

I first caught Adams at the Rock n' Roll Superbowl in Orlando's Citrus Bowl back on March 20, 1982 (you'll see in a minute why I remember the date). In those days, the antiquated stadium hosted annual rock festivals. That day, Adams was the opening act. The only song anyone recognized was "Lonely Nights." He played his half hour set then made way for a bunch of better-known bands, including Foreigner, still fresh off their success from 1981's "4" album.

Ozzy Osbourne was supposed to be the real attraction that day, but his guitarist Randy Rhoads died the day before the show when a small plane he was flying in crashed. Ozzy canceled his appearance and Pat Travers ("Boom, boom! Out go the lights!) stepped in to take his place.

Adams turns 48 years old today. These days, Adams has been playing Europe and Asia. I hope he gets back to Florida sometime soon. But this time, let's hope everyone in the lineup just sticks to driving.

TOP 5 BRYAN ADAMS SONGS OF THE 80s:

5. Heaven: "Love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart."

4. Somebody: "The winners are losers. You see it every night."

3. One Night Love Affair: "I never thought that I'd be touchin' you."

2. Lonely Nights: "With every breath you're takin', you're thinkin' of ways to say good night."

1. Summer of '69: "Those were the best days of my life."

'I hate Tommy Lasorda!'

People say we don't talk enough sports here on Stuck in the 80s. We also don't do enough podcasts about cartoons. Or play enough new wave music. Or have enough female co-hosts. Well, fans, that's quite a list.

Here's my olive branch: Today's Fernando Valenzuela's birthday. Our favorite LA Dodger turns 47 today. Whoo-hoo!

Actually, when I think back to baseball in the 80s, all my memories are Dodgers-related. And I'm not even a Dodger fan:

• There's Valenzuela, of course, with his "lava lizard" windup. He pitched a hell of a year in '81, winning his first eight games with a 0.50 ERA.
• There's Kirk Gibson in '88, hobbling around the bases after his World Series homer for the Dodgers against the Athletics. Easily my favorite moment in baseball history.
• And of course, there's "Fletch." One of my favorite lines from the flick. "Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda?" (punches photo) "I hate Tommy Lasorda."

Tomorrow: I attempt to go 12 hours without quoting a Chevy Chase film. Of course, that goal is not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

The hedonism of Simon Le Bon

I'm a Duran Duran nut, like most people who grew up in the early to mid 80s. But unlike the other lads, the Duranie I always wanted to be was Simon Le Bon.

He wasn't the babe magnet that John Taylor was. Wasn't the charming, intellectual Nick Rhodes. And he sure wasn't the antisocial, misfit of either Roger or Andy Taylor. Simon just wore wristbands, struck cool poses, sang his guts out ("Siiiiiiiiiiing, Blue Siiiiiiilver!"), gave interesting quotes to the media and generally didn't care all that much what people thought of him.

Plus, Simon didn't have to play an instrument. (Unless you count the tambourine as a real instrument, and unless you're in the Partridge Family, you don't.)

Simon turns 49 today. Here are a few favorite quotes from the birthday boy to enjoy, along with links to the full articles in which they appear.

On his role in the "View to a Kill" video: "It was the closest I was ever going to get to playing James Bond and I wasn't about to miss out on that opportunity, He had the works - the girls, the guns, the gadgets, the cars. He got to do everything. I used to read the Bond books as a kid, and I thought they were really sexy. I always wanted to be Bond." [Full interview]

On staying in shape: "I've got some very serious beauty tips. Don't run too much. You'll f--k your knees up. I go for nice long walks now, uphill. And one of these days, I'm going to get a dog. But I've got a very physical job, and I'd hate to have to go to the gym. That would be awful." [More]

On recording "Seven and the Ragged Tiger" in Australia: "Oh my God, that was hedonism. I succumbed to hedonism. My God, did we have a good time. Somebody came up to us once and said, 'I think you shagged all the girls in Sydney.' And we weren't even trying. It was so funny. We had some fantastic times." [More]

I'd just as soon kiss Carrie Fisher

Say what you like about Jabba the Hutt. He had a slight weight problem. He made a living in the black market. He slurred his words.

But the guy had an eye for beautiful women. And in 1983, he gave every teenage human boy in the 80s a gift: an enslaved Princess Leia in a gold metal bikini. The scene of a nearly nude Carrie Fisher in "Return of the Jedi" is probably responsible for more males entering puberty since the food fight scene in "Little Darlings."

Fischer, who turns 51 years old today, told Vanity Fair in a 1996 interview that she ended up getting the part in Star Wars because "I slept with some nerd."

"I hope it was George [Lucas]," she added, explaining to the interviewer that she was on too many drugs at the time to remember.

The popular story among Star Wars fans is that during filming of "Jedi," Fisher found that the metal bikini didn't really fit all that well. When she would recline back against Jabba, the top and bottom of the outfit would push out from her body, giving any nearby crew member a good view of her bare necessities. (I'm glad I didn't know this factoid back in '83 -- I think my testosterone levels would have surged beyond lethal levels.)

But our attraction to her goes way behind the slutty slave swimsuit. It's the titillating lines of dialog -- seemingly brushed with a tinge of innuendo. ("I'd just as soon kiss a wookie." "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?" "Into the garbage shute, flyboy!")

These days, Fisher is staying busy with her writing novels ("Postcards from the Edge," "The Best Awful There Is") and has resumed her acting career. She is currently filming "The Women," a comedy flick with Bette Midler, Eva Mendes and Meg Ryan.

Tom Petty and the night of short mini-skirts

When it comes to Tom Petty, I've actually been to the holy ground upon which he began his music career. Petty is a Gainesville, Fla., native. His first band, Mudcrutch, made a living playing gigs around the university town, including their home-away-from-home -- Dub's, a bar on the city outskirts.

Back in 1985, I was a freshman at the University of Florida and first heard of Dub's. By then, Petty's fame had led him to L.A., and Dub's current fame was equally alluring: It was the only bar in town that hosted a short mini-skirt contest on Thursday nights. The attraction was that the skirt was the only thing contestants had to wear (and even that was shed in the first 10 seconds of any song). The bar was notoriously lax on checking ID's, so even though I was only 18, I was able to get in and be served.

I'm not going to say that the aura of Petty's legacy still hung thick in the building. To be honest, I was more focused on the current night's entertainment. But still, one generous bartender there was intent on educating us punk kids on Petty's place in Gainesville history. And in time, we took timeout to soak in the atmosphere as he spun a few good yarns about the guy.

Alas, Dub's is gone now. The building remains, but the old owners are long gone. Petty, who turns 57 years old Saturday, is still going strong -- much to my delight ... and anyone else who caught Short Mini-Skirt Night at Dub's.

TOP 5 SONGS FROM TOM PETTY DURING THE 80s:

5. Stop Draggin' My Heart Around (with Stevie Nicks): "I know you really want to tell me goodbye."

4. Don't Come Around Here No More: "You tangle my emotions."

3. Free Fallin': "All the good girls are home with broken hearts."

2. You Got Lucky: "Girl, if you can do better than me, go..."

1. The Waiting: "Baby, you're the only one that's ever known how to make me wanna live like I wanna live now."

MORE TOM PETTY: Remember when music videos were truly an artform? You can thank Tom Petty for some of that. His videos were epic, including my personal favorite from the early 80s -- You Got Lucky. But this clip of Weird Al Yankovic interviewing Petty is also a must-see.

[Publicity photo; Times files]

Roger Moore is 80 years old?!?

Surely this is a misprint: Roger Moore is celebrating his 80th birthday today. In case you're wondering, that makes him three years older than the "007" he replaced -- Sean Connery.

Moore played "James Bond" from 1973 to 1985, appearing in what I believe are some of the best 007 films ("The Spy Who Loved Me" and "For Your Eyes Only") -- and easily the worst ("A View To A Kill"). To be honest, I preferred him to Connery and Pierce Brosnan. (And I'll also confess I thought Timothy Dalton's two turns as Bond were some of my favorites.)

His niche in the 007 library: He was the funniest of the Bonds. (Lest we forget his other great acting role of the 80s '-- "Seymour Goldfarb Jr." in 1981's "Cannonball Run.") And probably the most suave of the Bonds. (He's got his own official website, which in typically Bond fashion prompts visitors "Why not ask me a question?")

These days, Moore still makes an occasional screen appearance (he's hilariously "gay" in 2002's "Boat Trip" -- seriously, that movie kills me.) Mostly he spends his time serving as a UNICEF ambassador, a cause he continues to promote when he does appear in public.

FAVORITE ROGER MOORE MOVIE QUOTES OF THE 80s:

"He was going to kill me. And you. Things like that tend to make me impulsive." (Seawolves, 1980)

"Now put your clothes back on, and I'll buy you an ice cream." (For Your Eyes Only, 1981)

"Do you think you can help me? Someone seems to have stuck a knife in my wallet." (Octopussy, 1983)

"Call me James. It's five days until Alaska." (A View To A Kill, 1985)

So much more than arm candy