Eye bleach needed; deputy finds man passed out in truck "with his genitals exposed"

And it gets worse.

The Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputy who responded to this particular radio call in Fort Walton Beach said she "observed a white male asleep in the passenger seat of the vehicle.  The keys to the vehicle were hanging out of the top of his shirt, and his pants were undone with his genitals exposed."  She also said that the man had urinated on himself "several times," according to nwfdailynews.com.

The officer subsequently learned that this particular individual was well known to local law enforcement, having been arrested on public intoxication charges numerous times before.  According to the deputy's report, the man had told the Sheriff's Office "on previous occasions" that he would seek professional help for his alcohol problem, but never followed through.

Obviously.

He was taken into "protective custody." A warrant, meanwhile, was pending for an "exposure of sexual organs" charge.

"You (expletive) cracker. Do you know who I am?"

You guessed it.  Alcohol was involved.

In a rather unfortunate convenience store encounter in Crestview, an intoxicated customer made an attempt to hook up with another customer by asking if she had a husband.  When she demurred and said she didn't know the man, the inebriated would-be-lothario insisted that she did indeed know him.  At some point, according to police, he identified himself as "Shorty Smoothe," and began cursing at the woman and calling her names.

"(Expletive) you," he yelled, according to nwfdailynews.com. "You (expletive) cracker. Do you know who I am?" He then grabbed her shirt sleeve.  Police said he trapped her in the store while continuing to berate her.  Someone put in a call to the local constabulary.  When one of the man's daughters attempted to get him to leave, police said, he pushed her and spit on her.  She later told Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputies that her father had been drinking steadily since 11 a.m. the previous day.

A male store employee was able to get the man to leave, which freed the victim to return to her car where her children were waiting.  Deputies arrested "Shorty Smooth" on charges of battery and breach of peace.

Teen shoved his grandmother into television, deputies say

The Northwest Florida Daily News reports that a Fort Walton Beach teen, angry at his grandmother because she made him stay in the house, began his tantrum by kicking and punching walls.

When confronted by his grandmother, the teen made a  fist and told the woman she was lucky he didn't hit her. Then, the report says, he shoved her into a television and headed out a back door.

The teen was arrested by Okaloosa County sheriff's deputies, but the boy struggled with deputies during his arrest. One deputy said he thought the teen had reached for his weapon. The boy is charged with domestic violence and resisting an officer with violence.

Drunk, potty-mouth man endears himself to law enforcement

The 48-year old man was cursing in front of children and taking other patrons' food.  And he refused the vacate the premises.  Which is why Okaloosa County Sheriffs deputies were summoned to Hooters of Destin last week, according to nwfdailynews.com.  When the deputy asked the man -- who exhibited behaviors indicative of a raised blood alcohol level -- why he'd refused to leave, he said, "I can go where the (expletive) I want."

And also to someplace he obviously didn't want.  Enroute to the jail, he yelled, "All you Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office deputies are pieces of (expletive)."

Man hids castor oil, steel wool pads in pants

Another day, another foiled "down-the-pants" shoplifting attempt, reports nwfdailynews.com.  This time, it was a 51-year old Niceville man who shoved a bottle of castor oil and a box of Chore Boy Stainless Steel Scrubbers down the front of his pants.  According to police, store employees who had witnessed the pants-stuffing stopped the man on his way out.  He told them he did not have the $4 and change needed to pay for the odd combination of items, but that he would obtain it from his wife, who worked nearby.  Police were not mollified.  They arrested him.  (Image:  U.S. Department of the Treasury)

X-treme generosity with golf privileges may have cost course director his job

Our colleagues at nwfdailynews.com report that Jim Frazier, director of golf at the Fort Walton Beach Golf Course, was shoved into forced retirement after city officials claimed he'd given away more than 20,000 free rounds of golf since 2005.

For his part, Frazier called the situation a "witch hunt" by the city manager, prompted by a city councilman who, according to records, played about 40 free rounds himself.  Frazier said the golf course's accounting system sometimes caused complimentary rounds to show up where they shouldn't, such as when foursomes get booked but not filled, or during "buy one get one free" promotions.  Also, he said, golf course employees are allowed to play for free.

City officials say the course has been a financial drain for years.  Since a round of golf costs $20-$40, 20,000 free rounds would add up to $400,000 to $800,000, which is not chump change.  Frazier said he did not know how city officials came up with the 20,000 figure.  A pending official audit may well solve the mystery.

Police finally arrest half-naked driver with .433 BAC and bowel control problems

It took police nearly a year to arrest a 57-year-old Fort Walton Beach man, according to nwfdailynews.com.  But it's not like the associated situation was likely to fade from memory in a hurry.

According to Okaloosa County Sheriff's deputies, the man drove off the road and crashed his vehicle into Hurlburt Field's perimeter security fence last June.  After the accident, police discovered that the driver was extremely intoxicated; he was eventually found to have a blood alcohol content of .443, almost four times the legal limit.  Oh, and he was also naked from the waist down and had...um, done...um..."number two" in the driver's seat.

Police charged the man with DUI property damage, driving with a suspended licence and financial responsiblity for property damage.  Apparently there is no law on the books against being just plain disgusting.

"Pudgy" thief opts for light beer

A man described as "pudgy" by the employees of an Okaloosa County convenience store made off with two six-packs of Bud Light last week, according to nwfdailynews.com.  An Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office report said the man entered the convenience store at 0-dark-30 and looked at the beer.  When an employee told him she could not sell him any, he said he was looking for food.  According to the report, the man picked up some food items but later put them back.  While the cashier was busy with another customer, however, the man picked up two six-packs and left the store.

Employees told police they yelled at the man to come back, but that he appeared to be under the influence or booze or drugs.  They said he was about  6-feet  tall, and that his build was "pudgy." His hair was brown and he was wearing an orange visor, orange T-shirt and faded jeans or pants, according to the police report, which also indicated that store employees were able to get a tag number from the man's car.

Argument over tax return gets physical

They were arguing about a tax return and child support issues, reports nwfdailynews.com.  Nothing unusual there; many couples argue about money.  However, this particular disagreement ended with a call to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office.  The male victim told police his girlfriend a) shut the bathroom door on his hand; b) grabbed and squeeze his genital area; and c) struck him on the face.  The woman admitted to police that she'd pushed her boyfriend and kneeing him in the groin, however she denied shutting the door on his hand.  She was arrested and charged with domestic battery.

"Family Values" roundup from nwf.com

+ A Destin man confronted his wife about her cell phone usage and accused her of being unfaithful.  She laughed at him.  According to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office, he then grabbed her cheeks and squeezed them.  He was charged with battery.

+ Meanwhile, in Baker, an argument between a father and a son escalated when dad grabbed a full cup of coffee and heaved it at his son.  The arrest report said the cup o' joe hit the son in the chest.  Dad was charged with battery.

+ A 14-year old Fort Walton Beach girl who didn't want to help out around the house got into it with her mother, pushing the older woman and throwing a coat hanger, which hit mom in the head.  The Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office said the girl admitted pushing her mother and throwing stuff at her, but said she threw a pair of jeans and not a hanger.  She was charged with battery.

+ In the course of an argument, a Crestview woman grabbed some hamburger meat from the stove and threw it to the floor.  She said her husband retaliated by pushing her to the floor; two witnesses agreed.  The husband told police he was only trying to keep his wife from falling into the meat.  They charged him with battery.

+ A Fort Walton Beach man was charged with felony child abuse after using the wire end of a fly swatter to discipline a child.  According to the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office, the man said he spanked the child for being mean and for not doing his homework.  When questioned about using the wire end of the swatter, he told police, "I guess I got carried away."