FERGIE BEST DRESSED. HORROR IN THE STREETS.
By GOD F. McGILLICUDDY
Universe Staff Writer
DOWNTOWN APOCALYPTIC BLACK HOLE, Earth -- The world collapsed on itself Wednesday, sucking its entire contents and all citizens into a gravitational force field of death and destruction.
The Fourth Horse of the Apocalypse, a skinny, sickly steed named Pest T. Lentz, was practicing his reverse ollie inside a Park City snowboarding simulator when his instructor, Trevor, was vacuumed into the abyss.
"Well, this was a swell vacay, " said Lentz, age 4.5 billion, whose eyes filled with either tears of distress or diseased mucous. "I would have appreciated, you know, a phone call. You dedicate your whole life to a job, and poof, you're totally expendable. This is SO not fair. I'm demanding severance. Neigh."
Moments before the world ended, Lentz said, a song blared from the heavens with the following lyrics: "My humps. My humps, my humps, my humps. My lovely lady lumps." No scientists were spared in the disaster, but Lentz had his own theory.
"It's that brat, Fergie!" he said. "I always knew she'd steal our thunder. Never trust a girl in plastic pants."
Earlier on Judgment Day, pop singer Fergie was voted one of People magazine's Best Dressed stars of 2008. The typically respectable publication placed Fergie in a position of honor alongside actually stylish people including Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Michelle Obama, Gwyneth Paltrow, Charlize Theron, Eva Mendes, Sarah Jessica Parker, Rihanna and Heidi Klum.
Fergie, who once famously peed herself onstage, is known for favoring billycock derby hats, tiny neck ties, visible thongs, combat boots, a variety of fake hair, suspender-shorts-stiletto combos, track suits with words on the butt, and an eyebrow piercing years after those were officially cool.
The nomination, which surpassed all capacity for understanding, likely caused the greatest supernova explosion of all time, thus eliminating humanity.
"You know, I totally think she sold her soul," said Lentz, indignantly munching on hay. "Wouldn't put it past her."
It is believed that Fergie is now ruling the Underworld.
- Archangel Michael contributed to this report. God cannot be reached at any number, because his iPhone got sucked into the ether. Also, his e-mail is acting funny. He's switching to Gmail.
Photos: AP
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