Return to Sender

The etiquette of sending food back is hotly disputed among chefs, restaurateurs and the dining public.

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.”

The punch line to the joke varies, but the scenario is clear cut. Insects of any kind, swimming the backstroke or bobbing idly, are cause for sending soup back. Were it all so simple. At some point every diner is faced with the temptation of returning a dish to the kitchen. There’s the steak that is decidedly not medium rare. Or the time you asked for the sauce on the side but it arrived topping your fish like molten lava destroying a whole civilization.

But when is it OK and what are the rules of engagement?

According to New Port Ritchey etiquette teacher and author Teresa Grisinger Reilly, “It should be looked at as strictly business. You purchased something and it’s a disappointment. You need to tell the waiter immediately.”

This means after the first bite, asserts Virgel Kelly of Kelly's for Just About Anything in Dunedin. “If you don’t like something, don’t wait until after you finish the meal to tell the server.”

“Our waiters do a two-minute check,” says fellow Dunedin restaurateur, Kathleen LaRoche, owner of Black Pearl. “We walk around—you can tell when someone doesn’t like something, you can see it in their eyes.”

Beyond saying it with your eyes, you need to say it with your mouth, but nicely.

Says Grisinger Reilly, “Don’t feel embarrassed or pushy. State your opinion in an abbreviated manner with a brief description of the problem. You don’t want to attract any attention, so you want to be understated. Do it with a smile on your face so the waiter knows it’s not a confrontation.”

So, you’re smiling, you’re talking – but what exactly are you saying? Sometimes tact is of the essence.

“The food can be sent back to the kitchen especially if it is overcooked or undercooked,” explains Fabrizio Schenardi, chef of Pelagia at the Renaissance International Plaza. “But what I really have a hard time to understand is the word ‘disgusting.’ Some people use it to say that they do not like the food or it does not appeal to their taste. All the chefs I know, they hate to hear that word and they get very irritated and upset with their staff. They can put the kitchen upside down just to understand what is wrong with the dish.”

Jeanie Roland, chef/owner of The Perfect Caper in Punta Gorda sees it like this: “People with legitimate food issues – a wrong temperature, food that is cold or not good quality -- should send it back. Not liking a dish and returning it is different, since all tastes vary. My years in a kitchen tell me just don’t eat it. You never know who is on the other side of the door and you never know what they will do to your second try.”

A scary thought—chef’s revenge.

Know yourself

Ellen Zusman, owner of ImaginEats in Tampa and an avid restaurant goer, uses a metaphor.

“If you go to a G-rated movie and it’s incredibly violent, you can ask for your money back because it didn’t meet your expectations. But if you just don’t like the movie, you can’t ask for your money back.” She urges diners to have a clear idea of likes and dislikes, and some knowledge of food—if you don’t like celery or are allergic to peanuts, you need to know what kinds of dishes might harbor these ingredients.

Then the task becomes trying to select a dish that best matches your tastes. The key to this is asking questions. Feel free to tell your server what you can’t or won’t eat, and ask detailed questions about specials or anything on the menu you might not understand. Menu-speak can sometimes be inscrutable (“crispy confit with oxheart beet bubbles and sweet pea foam”). There’s no shame in admitting you aren’t clear on bubbles and foam.

And don’t be bullied. Servers are sometimes “incentivized” to sell particular dishes. Either the kitchen got in a huge shipment of monkfish, or the chef is particularly proud of the day’s bouillabaisse. Servers may win a prize if they flog it successfully, but that doesn’t mean you should cave in if you had your heart set on the stuffed pork loin.

It’s all in the timing

There is a difference between bad service and a busy restaurant. If upon being seated in a restaurant you notice servers scurrying wildly, adopt a proactive stance. Be decisive, ordering your appetizers and entrees at the same time, and be specific about your expectations: “We’re catching a show at 7 p.m.” or “We’re not in a hurry, so please allow us to fully finish our appetizers before bringing our entrees.”

This helps wait staff and kitchen with the timing of your meal. In the unfortunate event that your entrees arrive on the heels of your first bite of salad, Grisinger Reilly suggests asking the restaurant to take the appetizers away and off the bill.

“This is not supposed to happen. The restaurant just couldn’t get its timing right. You want to eat the entrée while it’s fresh and hot. That’s where the expense of the meal is going to be.”

So, assuming you just sent something back—your appetizer, your entrée, whatever—now you’ve got to kill some time and accommodate a little lag.

Tom Pritchard cautions, “If someone sends back something and then they sit there and wait, that can screw up the rhythm of the whole meal.”

If you’ve sent something back, Grisinger Reilly suggests urges your dining companions to continue eating their meal.

“Then start telling a story -- so you wouldn’t be eating anyway --something interesting and non-controversial.”

A joke, even, but maybe not the one about the fly in the soup.

Comments

[Matt]

Laura, Liked your plug on how to tactfully return food. Do you mind commenting on restaurant protocol for little kids?

[BW]

Just the other night, I was in a brew pub. It turns out that several of the beers on their beer list were not available including the interesting wheat beer I wanted. As an alternative, the waiter completely talked up some special 20th anniversary beer. He gushed about how great it was - knowing I was originally interested in the wheat beer.

So, the wonder beer arrives and it was HORRIBLE. Sweet, thick, almost like a port wine. It was some freaky desert wine beer concoction that made me wretch. One sip and back it went.

Now, here's where it gets dicey. What do you tell the waiter in this situation? I think it clearly is a learning opportunity for this young man or his days in the brew pub business are numbered. I had to tell him that this beer simply sucked, that he oversold it and that not only does it need to go back, but he needs to stop recommending it. Particularly before dinner.

I think he was a bit put off by his learning experience but some day he'll thank me for it.

[The Mouth]

Matt, I have a whole post coming up soon on dining out with kids--how to maximize their pleasure, yours, and that of your waiter. I think I'll post it the beginning of next week. Thanks for the feedback.

[Two Travelling Chefs]

Re" returning food.
We concur with Ellen Zusman's and Jeanie Roland's, in why and when to return a dish to the kitchen, and when it is not at all appropriate. Like everything else in life, food has a lot to do with personal taste, and what I might think is bland, the next person feels has too much heat. As restaurant owners we try to adjust to a customer's palate but there needs to be communication. Please read the menu and descriptions, when we describe a dish as SPICY with curry and coconut milk, those flavors will be prevalent, and if the diner decides to send it back only because they just don't like it, we are in a quandary. If the dish is cold, undercooked or overcooked, we will remedy the situation, but that also means, a guest ordering their filet well done, and it is prepared to their specifications, no longer has recourse if it tastes dry and bland.
I or the server will always stop by a table within a couple of minutes of food placement on the table, just to check, and if we don't, then catch our eye, and tell us, so we can resolve any questions you might have. Don't wait till dinner is over, when it is too late for us to make a positive impact.
Catherine and Jose Luis Pawelek, chefs Elements Global Cuisine, Gulfport

[Richard Guzinya]

Hey Mouth, What do you do when your dining partner returns a dish in an unpleasant & rude manner or is generally abusive to the wait staff serving you? I've felt embarrassed to be dining with someone like that, but have never known the best way to tell them to "cool it, dude". You ever get one of those?

[A. Smedley]

You never invite those obnoxious companions again, or you pray that the salmon mousse they tasted and returned so rudely to the kitchen gives them extreme gastric distress in retribution!

[michelle]

Two Travelling Chefs...Maybe you should put "Caveat Emptor" in big bold letters on your menu...especially since you place so much responsibility on the diner, leaving them no recourse for their stupidity!

[Dave]

Richard:

An old maxim states that you can really observe the character of a person by the way they treat wait staff.

If the people you dine with are rude and obnoxious to them, perhaps you need to associate with a better class of people.

[The Mouth]

Dave, I've got to agree with you on this. Maybe every restaurant-goer should spend a week as a waiter, or a line cook, just for a heavy dose of humility.

[Holly]

What should a restaurant offer the customer if their meal is obviously not edible? A few years ago I was served a dish at a chain Mexican restaurant (now out of business) that had a piece of metal screen in it. The cheese had melted into it, so it wasn't visible right away. As soon as I saw it I called the waiter over.
The manager only asked what he could do to correct it but did not offer anything, even to replace the dish for free. I felt like it put me on the spot and they were hoping I wouldn't ask for too much. Honestly, I shouldn't have accepted any more food from them but it was late and I was hungry.

[The Mouth]

Wow, Holly, extra vitamins and minerals in metal screen, I suppose. I think in that situation any restaurant worth its salt will whisk the dish away instantly, take it off the bill and offer to replace it with another dish of your choice.

[Sue E. Conrad]

Ah, yes - beef ordered well done, then complaining about its being dry and tasteless. There's a restaurant in Massachusetts with the following statement on its menu - "Not responsible for steaks ordered well done"!!! In other words, if the steak is tough, that's too bad!