Sexy sushi?

Maybe I'm just not like other people. When I watched the randy food scene in Nine 1/2 Weeks between Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in front of the refrigerator, I thought, "Yuck, those things would taste disgusting back to back." I mean, he feeds her--in this order--a black olive (the gross old canned kind), maraschino cherries, strawberries and champagne (I guess I'm fine until this point), Vick's cough syrup, cold rotini, a scoop of red Jell-O mold, a raw jalapeno, milk, Perrier and WAY too much honey from a honey bear.

Sounds like a recipe for Tums to me. And in the movie Sex and the City, when Samantha made sushi for Smith for Valentine's Day, draping her naked body with the stuff, I applauded her effort but was a little underwhelmed by her maki-rolling techniques.

I'm just saying this in the name of full disclosure. A few months ago the Tampa Bay area was agog at the arrival of nyotaimori (literally "female body presentation," but really naked sushi). It seems the Dirty Martini, a nightclub on U.S. 19 in Clearwater, launched a monthly naked sushi night, at which patrons pluck raw fish snacks off the prone body of a young, naked woman. The St. Petersburg Times did its own story here (with video) and lots of other media outlets covered the first of these evenings.

I read them all with interest, but nowhere did it tell me what I wanted to know: Was the sushi good? I set out to find out. The Dirty Martini isn't exactly my demographic, but I did manage to try a bunch of sushi (probably as folks wondered why someone's mom was sitting at the bar) on non-naked nights.

My verdict is a misquotation of Green Eggs and Ham:

"Would you eat them in a box? Would you eat them off a fox?"

"Not in a box. Not off a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. I would not eat them here or there. I would not eat them anywhere."

In summary, I do not like them, Sam-I-am. The nori on the rolls was gummy (I've had that happen at home when I've opened a pack and tried to save it. It gets stale so the resulting maki have a rubbery texture), fish from tekka to unagi didn't seem fresh, wasabi was that squeeze-bottle "wasabi sauce" rather than a ball of the paste (made from the powder and water), and accompaniments like edamame and seaweed salad were also extremely tired-tasting. Even the rolling and plate presentation were a little bumbling.

And that's the naked truth.

Comments

[Tino]

Methinks you need to read a dictionary for the definition of "naked".

[Melissa]

*Sniff Sniff* I smell tuna...lol This is NOT SEXY AT ALL...Period. End of Story.

[Lin]

Naked sushi is so gross. But even more gross is the fact that some girl would actually do that. I guess it's better than prostitution, but really, it's gross and sad.

[Carol]

As a general rule, I wouldn't eat anything off of a naked anyone that wasn't my husband.

[Spifferson]

I'd do her... I mean it...

[Chris]

If you want good sushi, go to a sushi restaurant, you want good steak go to a steak house. Going to the Dirty Martini for Sushi is like going to McDonalds for a Ribeye. There are only a few good sushi bars in the area plus their not coporate owned so at least you would be supporting your local community instead of putting money in someones pocket that does not need it. Try Fuji Yama's in Seminole or some of the places in St Pete you will have a much better experience with no naked people.

[Melissa]

They just probably think that they can get away with serving crappy food because the tray happens to be a naked lady. That's just disgusting and unhygienic, anyway.

[Melissa]

They just probably think that they can get away with serving crappy food because the tray happens to be a naked lady. That's just disgusting and unhygienic, anyway.

[Mr. S]

You guys completely miss the point. The author touches on it briefly. The demographic doesn't care about the sushi; it's about eating food from a naked hot chick. I think Hooter's wings suck. They certainly were devoid of viable beer choices until very recently. Yet, as a younger dude, I still went. If you want good sushi go eat sushi, as Chris said, at a reputable sushi place. If you want to see a naked chick from whom you might eat rice-wrapped rubber medallions bathed in spicy toothpaste, head to the Dirty Martini.

Was it really sushi, or did it just smell like sushi?

[Edward]

I'll never get tired of Hooters or Kerr's. Ever. Well, I hope not, at least. Not sure a nice relaxing meal of sushi fits that kind of bill, though. You can get some really fine sushi in this area.... stick with that, and then head over to Hooters for the rest.

[Andy's friend Barney]

Even the poor folks down next to the creek fishin for dinner know that it needs to be cooked. if you eat raw fish then you would put anything in your mouth.

[geishilover]

it can be beautiful if they do it right.... in japan, i think they put the sushi on the back of girls... it is quite beautiful, not in a erotic way. cos the privates are all covered.