Restaurant-speak that should be 86ed

My buddy Hank just sent me a link to a Chicago Tribune harangue about menu speak that should be eradicated. Here's a sample:

• "Grilled to perfection"

• "Melt in your mouth"

• "Garden fresh"

For the rest, go here. There's tons of other menu frippery that makes my eyes roll back in my head. "Premium" or other such descriptors that technically mean nothing, "hand cut" as some indication of quality, flame-kissed (in fact, flame-anythinged. Isn't this just grilled?), "blend of special seasonings," waiters that say "how are we enjoying things so far?" or make jokes only to the women at the table about how a particular dessert has no calories.

Comments

[Paul Abercrombie]

Ha, this is great. My own least favorite hackneyed menu term: Sinful (especially when describing a dessert).

[The Mouth]

Alright, I have more. "Oven roasted." Where else does one roast, pray tell? And enough with the "hand-sliced tomatoes" and such. What are the other choices. Mind-sliced? Chimp-sliced?

[Holly]

Good, they included "homemade" on this list. I hate when restaurants use this. Am I really to believe that someone made this in their home? And if they did, what is the benefit of that? At least the restaurant is visited by health inspectors.
It is usually used to describe desserts, and I get they are trying to say they are making them and not purchasing them pre-made. They should just say "house-made" or "made on premises".

[Larry Hauser]

Laura: As you know, I enjoy reading your blog. But, I must take issue with you on your comments in this article. Although many terms are over used and seemingly redundant, I think most are fairly true to description and good choices for restaurant owners to use to describe their "wares." What would your buddy prefer, "Grilled to Mediocrity?" In my travels around the Tampa Bay area, investigating restaurants for my website, www.dineandfind.com, I'm usually impressed with menu layouts and website commentary of the many restaurants I have checked out for my site. So, may I recommend......... loosen up!
LH at Dine and Find

[Hank]

LH, you may be impressed with menu layouts throughout the Tampa area, but real food professionals recognize a poorly written/managed menu when they see one. And there is plenty of evidence to go around. Props to you though for segueing your blog into the newspaper.

Mouth, how about this for a contest? We have all sorts of “best of” lists, how about the worst written or most clichéd menu in the area and the winner gets a rewrite courtesy of the Times and a professional menu editor?

[Susan]

Not to be missed: "out of this world"

[Ed C.]

Mouth:

Ha! I have some more from a menu of a particularly over-hyped mediocre restaurant.

"exciting appetizers"
"'chef-crafted' classic cocktails"
"every drink is prepared by a true mixologist"
"the bounty of true Farm-to-Table choices"
"hand-ground beef"
"hearty spinach"
"house-made" salad dressing
"artisan house-baked bread"

I especially want to see someone grind the beef with their hands.

At this same place the waitress announced that most of the produce came from farms, and paused waiting for my dining party to be impressed.

[The Mouth]

Oooh, farms, you say, Ed C? What will they think of next. And I'm doing a little hand-grinding right now, upon which I will season the melt-in-your-mouth results to perfection and flame-grill them before tossing them in a bounty of chef-crafted housemade sauces that are out of this world.