More Irvine

It’s 9:17 on Friday night. What am I doing? Lurking around foodie sites trying to get a sense of what the American Academy of Hospitality Sciences (the bequeathor of the Star Diamond Awards, of which Robert Irvine is a recipient) is all about. I look at the list of trustees. I don’t know these people. Are they chefs? Donald Trump, the wind always coming strongly from his left, is on the list. George Schwab out of Palm Beach. But someone interesting catches my eye.

Jean-Pierre Duteron, one-time maitre d’ to the late French president Francois Mitterand, is on the list. He’s been at the Waldorf-Astoria most recently, but his stint there has been sullied by accusations. Waiters Francois Spach and Claude Waryniak say sexual harassment was on the menu in 2006, charging Duteron grabbed their private parts and made unseemly comments about their anatomy.

Hmm.

Another of Irvine's awards, La Toque Blanche International award, I could find no links for. What is this award and who gives it? In a Google search, only Irvine’s bio comes up. Surely, if it’s a legitimate award, someone else has received it?

Time is of the essence (aka currying favor)

I razzed Janet yesterday about not getting on the cheese stick (ew?). But today I've got nothing but praise. This morning I learned that Mark Bittman at the New York Times has launched a new blog called Bitten. And what is the blog going to contain?:

"Welcome to Bitten, a blog about food and cooking... We’re going to look at great food made with everyday ingredients and readily achievable techniques...not food as something to be admired from afar, but as a part of daily life....To that end, I’m posting a daily recipe."

Well, Mr. Minimalist, Stir Crazy has been doing just that for years.

Not that I take issue with his goals. Even for avid cooks who gladly spend a whole weekend day puttering in the kitchen, post-work, mid-week dinners need to be fast and unfussy. Janet and I are currently working on story about the spate of 30-minute-meal cookbooks that have come out recently. We're each taking two books, making recipes and timing ourselves. Can a whole meal be done in 30 minutes? Is that a reasonable goal? What kinds of foods lend themselves to this? What are time-saving short cuts? What can you assume the average home cook A) knows how to do and B) has in his or her pantry?

I'll keep you posted.

Baby's first blog battle

Ah, Snack Packers have heeded the call, taken up the baton, whatever. They, too, are mulling over the greatest food movies of all time, theirs, of course, weighted to snacky bits. Now we need to hear from those other intrepid bloggers of the St. Pete Times. Any food films of the '80s Steve Spears would like to toss into the ring? I know Persall is working on his own list...

Can I get something off my chest?

I reviewed the Catherine Zeta-Jones vehicle No Reservations for the paper a while ago. At least one reader called to complain that I had no business reviewing a film. I'm a restaurant critic, not a film critic, for crying out loud. I thought I did OK. I restrained my bad foodie self, really.

Here's why: The whole first scene is narrated by Zeta-Jones, this meandering why-quail-with-truffles-is-practically-better-than-sex monologue. These are quails:

Quails are little, spindly things. I could eat a pile of them, especially if truffles happened to be involved.

In the next scene we see Zeta-Jones in her NYC kitchen preparing said dish and sending it out into the dining room.

Only, it wasn't a quail. It was a squab, which looks like this. What we have here is a much bigger bird. It could eat a quail for breakfast, were it inclined.

And I didn't even get bogged down in this foodie minutiae, just held my tongue and reviewed the film like a pro.

Which leads me, naturally, to the question of what are the greatest food movies of all time. Here's my first attempt, and I defy old fancy-pants movie critic here to do better.

Top Ten Food Movies of All Time:

Babette’s Feast--19th-century Denmark, based on a story by Isak Dinesen, makes dried fish look like something you'd voluntarily put in your mouth; 1988.

Big Night--1996; Tony Shalhoub and Stanley Tucci compete with something called a Timpano (like a pasta pie) for scene-stealing.

Dinner Rush--More feisty Italians, a father and a son in conflict, and lobster and pasta in a champagne sauce. That's all you need to know.

Woman on Top--2000; Brazilian hottie chef (Penelope Cruz) moves to San Francisco and has a steamy food TV show. (Come to think of it, Cruz's food scenes in Volver were pretty good, too. Wonder if she really cooks?)

Eat Drink Man Woman--1994; Ang Lee, baby. OK, there are some major chick stereotypes to ignore, but the food is drop-dead sexy. Now, Ang, how about doing a film adaptation of the book The Last Chinese Chef? Very cinematic, very tasty.

Chocolat--Juliette Binoche, Johnny Depp, his hair and her truffles. Now how could Alfred Molina have a problem with any of that?

Like Water for Chocolate--1992; the book was better, but it still got my blood boiling (speaking of boiling blood, the title is a metaphor in Latin American countries, meaning boiling mad or sexually aroused, because hot chocolate is made with boiling water, not milk). My biggest issue with this book and movie is that the recipes are untenable. I double-dog-dare you to make them.

Nine 1/2 Weeks--1986; fine, I'll include it, but really that refrigerator scene makes Mickey Rourke look like he watched the Tom Jones turkey leg goofiness too many times in his youth.

Tampopo--1985; saw it when it came out and thought it was wiggy in its sequencing, but love the idea of an epic about ramen noodles.

Pink Flamingos--1972; that got your attention, didn't it? OK, not a food movie, but the poop scene may be the most memorable EATING sequence of all time.

All right, sports fans--what say you to my list?

I Scream, You Scream...

Also, we should pause for a moment to think about some of the stupidest, wrongest flavors. The ice creams that should have you cast out of the tribe to wander the wilderness alone in perpetuity:

1. Dippin Dots. WHY? Is there food in this food?

2. Rum Raisin, the flavor of crabby, cardigan-wearing men who drink Ovaltine for fun.

3. Neapolitan. Hardly even a flavor. And get this: this muddled, stripey non-flavor makes up 4.8 percent of overall ice cream sales (vanilla is 26 percent, chocolate 12.9, strawberry 4.3 and cookies ‘n’ cream 4)

4. Baskin Robbins Orange Sherbet on a Plain Cone. The children who reflexively order this grow up to suffer from borderline personality disorder.

5. Bubblegum, the kind with the full-sized bubblegum balls. It’s a logistical problem. Eat the ice cream and cone, spitting the balls one by one onto a napkin for future use? Ew. Or tuck all the balls in one cheek and masticate all the rest of the stuff on the other side? Very difficult. Chew it all up and swallow it, gum and all? That’s seven years in your stomach, I hear.

6. Polly Ann’s Durian (San Francisco). You know, that fruit that smells like there’s something unfortunate on the bottom of your shoe?

7. Mario Batalli’s olive oil and sea salt ice cream. Puleeeze.

8-10 are all of the savory Japanese ice cream flavors that strike terror into this Western heart: soy sauce, octopus, sushi sorbet, etc.

Not disgusting enough? Go here to create your own vile ice cream flavor.

The Emperor of Ice Cream

SnackPackers weighed in on top ice cream flavors the other day. So, tell me, was it Ben or was it Jerry who slept with each and every one of you to secure such egregious results? Here’s the real deal, one scoop at a time.

1. Baskin Robbins Mint Chocolate Chip. It’s a classic. Kids like it. Adults like it. The chips aren’t too honkin’ (see Breyer’s version), nor too small. The mint not too minty. A perfect summer afternoon is mint chocolate chip on a sugar cone, the cone tip bitten off so it’s a race against the drips. (Full disclosure: I worked at BR in high school and I still feel it’s every child’s inalienable right to a new scoop when Scoop One has seen pavement.)

2. Starbucks Java Chip. I would have said the roundhouse punchiness of the espresso flavor, but they stopped making it. My guess is that consumers complained about the black flecks that frequently caused dental disgrace.

3. Cherry Garcia. Where is Cherry Garcia, you B&J-loving Packers? Only their No. 1 selling flavor, for a good reason.

4. Ciao Bella Blood Orange Sorbet. Alright, not technically an ice cream, but it’s about as sophisticated a dessert as there is. Garnish with impudent little cookie.

5. Blue Bell Peppermint, the kind with the pale pink color and the little zaps of crunchy candy. Ends a meal on a fresh-breath note, like Scope only less bracing.

6. Dairy Queen vanilla soft serve, with the hard, waxy chocolate carapace.

7. Haagen Dazs Toasted Coconut Sesame Brittle. It's outrageous. Anyone else enjoying the new line of super-premium-if-you-have-to-ask-you-can't-afford-it Haagen Dazs? This one is very coconutty, with a salty/nutty sesame seed swirl that adds textural interest. 

8. Carvel vanilla and chocolate blend, especially when fashioned into Fudgie the Whale, which, at Christmastime, can be turned around to become a Santa cake.

9. Let's hear one for the home team. Maggie Moo's Chocolate Better Batter, with goofy chocolate mix-ins if you must (Reese's cups will do). It's rich, it's chocolatey, guaranteed to cause lower g.i. tract distress if eaten in reckless abundance.

10. I'd like to include San Francisco's Mitchells on this list (their peach), but maybe that's too regional. Instead I'll opt for Double Rainbow (also California, but wider purchase) Green Tea. Very soothing, very peace-love-dove.