American Idol's Kara DioGuardi got married

Wedding news is always better than hearing about someone ending up drunk, in jail or dead, so we'll celebrate the fact that new-ish American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi punched her matrimony ticket on Sunday, and she didn't even have to wear a bikini to do it.

Us confirms that Kara and longtime boyfriend Mike McCuddy said they do in from of 30 of the couple's closest friends and family at a church in Prospect Harbor, Maine. There were no Idol coworkers in attendance, but that's just fine, according to the officiant, Pastor Scott Nurse, Sr.

"They are absolutely in love with each other," Nurse told the mag. "When I told him he could kiss the bride, everybody cheered. It was a very close, small family-type service."

That's it? A happy, normal, down-to-earth wedding between people who really love each other? How will that color our drab, gray, meaningless existence? We need more drama, pointless bickering and vengeful schadenfreude, stat!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Three's Company's Joyce DeWitt arrested for DUI

We're hitting the "Where Are They Now?" file with a vengeance today with news that former Three's Company actress Joyce DeWitt (that's Janet Wood, for those of us of a certain age -- meaning older than 25 or so) was arrested for DUI on July 4 in El Segundo, Calif. Where's Jack with his roundabout plan to spring her for jail?

Actually, there's no need for that; The 60-year-old posted bail for $5,000 after driving past a barricade on Saturday afternoon. The arresting officer says she smelled like booze and was busted after failing field sobriety tests, TMZ reports.

It's at this point we wonder just where the heck Joyce DeWitt has been all these years, and if this is all a promotional stunt for her role in Call of the Wild.

[Photo: AP]

Exam says David Carradine died of asphyxiation

The results of the autopsy on David Carradine requested by his family are in, and it looks like they're ruling out suicide. As if we all didn't realize that by now.

"The cause of death was asphyxiation," forensic pathologist Dr. Michael Baden said. "Now why that happened is still what we're working on. He didn't die of natural causes, and he didn't die of suicidal causes from the nature of the ligatures around the body, so that leaves some kind of accidental death."

The ligatures Baden speaks of include the way Carradine's hands were tied above his head, and around his genitals, making it seem more like auto-erotic asphyxiation, Star reports. There's still a chance that the actor's June 4 death in Bangkok was a result of third party, so Baden is looking into data from hotel pass keys and security camera footage.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Harry Potter's Rupert Grint says swine flu was fine

Rupert Grint, who plays the steadfast Harry Potter pal Ron Weasley in that corner of celluloid history, says his recent bout with swine flu really wasn't all that bad. Great, now all the kids will want swine flu.

"I did have swine flu, but it was just like any other flu I've had before," he told the U.K.'s Mirror. "It was just a sore throat and I was in bed for a while, but it was quite scary when I was first told I had swine flu because of what's been in the press. I was like 'am I going to die?', but it was fine -- just a sore throat."

The 20-year-old actor's visit from the H1N1 virus kept him from the set of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for a couple days, but now he's all better, and ready to take all your money at the box office.

[Photo: Getty Images]

It's Music Monday!: Quantic, 'Not So Blue'

While we're waiting for Quantic's latest, Tradition in Transition, to drop on July 14, let's go back to 2002's Apricot Morning for this cut. This is for my boy Rob W., who has a new daughter who was literally born on the Fourth of July. Hey world, say hi to Naomi!

Michael Bay told Megan Fox to shut up

We’re all sorts of busy ignoring more timely celebrity news this weekend, so we’ll point out that Michael Bay totally slammed Megan Fox in an interview in the Wall Street Journal last week. Why? Just because she said his movies stunk?

“I mean, I can’t s--- on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me,” Fox told Entertainment Weekly. “But I don’t want to blow smoke up people’s a--. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting.”

Bay’s response: “Well, that’s Megan Fox for you. She says some very ridiculous things because she’s 23 years old and she still has a lot of growing to do.”

Michael “100 percent disagrees” with Fox, saying that even though he shoots action-oriented pics, he’s worked with some huge names.

“Nick Cage wasn’t a big actor when I cast him, nor was Ben Affleck before I put him in Armageddon. Shia LaBeouf wasn’t a big movie star before he did Transformers — and then he exploded. Not to mention Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, from Bad Boys.” So, Megan should mind her Ps and Qs, thanks.

“Nobody in the world knew about Megan Fox until I found her and put her in Transformers,” he says. “I like to think that I’ve had some luck in building actors’ careers with my films.”

Yeah, but show us one actor who won an award for starring in one of those flicks. McDonald’s doesn’t win any restaurant awards, you know.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Robert Rodriguez tals about 'Predators'

If it’s not remakes, it’s unnecessary sequels. In this case we have the Robert Rodriguez-produced Predators, which will be headed to screens sooner than we want, according to Ain’t It Cool News.

What’s it about, you ask? “I can’t go too much into the story right now, because we’re still writing,” Rodriguez told the site. “But it still involves a very intense group of people stranded on a Predator planet discovering unspeakable horrors (that are not always from outside their group). So like the original movie, the title does have a double meaning.”

Oh, we’re sure it’s going to be plenty deep, especially now that Descent director Neil Marshall is gone, being replaced by Kontroll mastermind Nimrod Antal. There’s potential, sure, but it’s still a Rodriguez vehicle. We expect plenty of slow-motion explosions and gunfire, and maybe a little gore here and there.

Why remake 'American Werewolf in London'? WHY?

Here we thought the cake had been taken by word that John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing was again being remade, but get this: Dimension Films is set to butcher the 1981 John Landis awesomefest An American Werewolf in London. That’s the silver bullet to make us swear off movies forever.

Of course, Landis is signed on as executive producer to oversee how his David Naughton-Griffin Dunne vehicle is warmed over. the good news is that Dimension says it plans to keep it campy, but that’s a dangerous chemistry set to go playing with. At least we’ll have Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween II ready in August to keep us angry until this and the remake of Hellraiser get off the ground.

An Asteroids video game movie? Really?

While we’re discussing stupid movie concepts, we noticed on SlashFilm that there’s an idea possibly even dumber than the Smurfs. It seems Universal won a four-studio (!) bidding war for rights to produce a pic based on the video game Asteroids.

Yes, the monochromatic, quarter-munching cabinet from 1979. They plan on using newish Disney-bred writer Matthew Lopez — he of Bedtime Stories, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Race to Witch Mountain — to write the adaptation. When is the movie version of Arkanoid coming out?

Smurfs movie will be bad, and in 3D

Not only will the long-dreaded Smurfs movie be live-action and animation combined, it’s going to be in 3-D, Entertainment Weekly says. Great, now we can be disgusted three times more than we expected. Columbia and Sony Pictures have announce a Dec. 17, 2010 release date for the pending disaster, which will reassure all of us that Hollywood is so far out of touch, they think we’ll watch anything as long as the colors are bright enough. We didn’t like Speed Racer, and we won’t like this, either.

Neil Patrick Harris may host this year's Emmys

Finally, an Emmy telecast worth watching may be on its way. Variety says Neil Patrick Harris is working out a deal with CBS and the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences to host the 61st annual presentation on Sept. 20. That would be awesome.

Nothing is certain just yet, but Neil did such a good job at the Tonys that it would surely be a shot in the arm. If you'll recall, last year's Emmys used five reality show stars as hosts, and that was obviously not the answer.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Look! Michael Jackson's favorite bird!

Mother Nature pays tribute to the King of Pop. Apparently, anyone can learn how to moonwalk. Although this seems like part Hammer dance, too. What's with making the poor woman demonstrate, though?

David and Victoria Beckham half naked together

Yes, we know David and Victoria Beckham have become largely irrelevant to American audiences, but hey, they're still doing those Emporio Armani underwear ads. And you know where those two separate campaign were leading: to a mega-super-double-duty ad with both of the Brits. These two billboard-bound shots by Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott are pretty suggestive -- and they suggest these two still have some street cred left.

[Photos: Armani]

Courtney Love ordered to gain 15 pounds

If you've seen Courtney Love lately, you know she's looking more like Kurt Cobain than herself, thanks to dramatic weight loss that's pushed a doctor to recommend she put on some weight. We've been saying that about famous women for years!

"I know I've got too skinny," she says in Grazia magazine. "I know I need to sort it out. I am going to put on 15 pounds in one month."

The 44-year-old says she was surprised when the mag asked her to step on a scale and she came in at 118 pounds, not good for a 5-foot-10 woman.

"I do not have body dysmorphia. Seriously, I want to get fatter. You know, when I was 192 pounds, I thought I looked hot!" she says. "(My doctor) gave me a massive shot of vitamins and told me to start eating."

Of course, she blames her recent lawsuit against the lawyers handling Cobain's estate, and doesn't sound fully convinced about needing to gain a few pounds.

'I need to start working out again," she says. "It's the stress -- you have no idea what it has been like these last few months. I need to get to the bottom of this fraud, I need answers.'

We have an answer: Try a deep dish pizza once in awhile, and make sure to call your sponsor.

[Photo: Love back in February. Trust us, she's looking much worse now. Getty Images]

Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston richest women in Hollywood

Forbes just released its list of top female moneymakers in Hollywood, and Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston take first and second place. Hanging around with Brad Pitt sure does make you rich.

The list, not to be confused with the recent most-powerful compilation Forbes released, says Jolie raked in $27 million from June 2008 to June 2009, mostly from global box office from Wanted and an advance on Salt. Aniston came up with $25 million. That SmartWater deal and residuals from Friends are really working out for Jen -- oh and Marley & Me.

Meryl Streep was third with $24 million, Sarah Jessica Parker topped $23 million, just in time for her new twins to get in the will.

The rest of the Top 10 includes Cameron Diaz ($20 million), Sandra Bullock and Reese Witherspoon (both with $15 million), Nicole Kidman and Drew Barrymore ($12 million each) and Renee Zellweger ($10 million). Too bad Harrison Ford's $65 million topper for last month's men's list could buy and sell them all.

[Photos: Getty Images]

Kevin Jonas is engaged to Danielle Deleasa

OMG you guys, we tooootally are late with the news that Kevin Jonas got engaged to his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa. Are we gonna get kicked out of the we-don't-care-about-the-Jonas-Bros. Fan Club?

It seems the 21-year-old singer showed up and his girl's New Jersey home on Wednesday morning and dropped to one knee right then and there, People says. That cushion-cut diamond ring must have been pretty heavy.

"She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row," Kevin told the mag. "It was tough performing last night, knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world," he said, noting he flew into Jersey on an overnight flight from Vancouver, B.C. The pair have been dating since they met in May 2007 while on vacation with their families in the Bahamas. And now they can finally ditch those purity rings.

"It still feels like a dream," 22-year-old Danielle told People. Just wait until Kev gets bitten by that love bug again.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Oscar-winner Karl Malden dies at 97

From the AP:

Academy Award-winning actor Karl Malden died of natural causes surrounded by his family at his Brentwood home Wednesday, his family said.

The 97-year-old won a supporting actor Oscar in 1951 for his role as Blanche DuBois' naive suitor Mitch in A Streetcar Named Desire -- a role he also played on Broadway. He was nominated again in 1954 for his performance as Father Corrigan in On the Waterfront. In both movies, he costarred with Marlon Brando.

Among Malden's more than 50 film credits were Patton, in which he played Gen. Omar Bradley, Pollyanna, Fear Strikes Out, The Sting II, Bombers B-52, Cheyenne Autumn and All Fall Down.

Malden gained perhaps his greatest fame as Lt. Mike Stone in the 1970s television show The Streets of San Francisco, in which Michael Douglas played the veteran detective's junior partner. During the same period, Malden gained a lucrative 21-year sideline and a place in pop culture with his "Don't leave home without them" ads for American Express.

Malden and his wife, Mona, had one of Hollywood's longest marriages, having celebrated their 70th anniversary in December. Besides his wife, Malden is survived by daughters Mila and Cara, his sons-in-law, three granddaughters, and four great grandchildren.

[Photo: Malden in 2005. AP]

Stop by the classic Lego Arcade

If you don't know what games to which this Lego homage is referring, then you're either to young to remember the dawn of video cabinets, or didn't waste your youth in video arcades. That's right, whole building full of machines that allowed you to play video games for a quarter!

Lindsay Lohan got $70,000 for her birthday

We try, dear Juice*heads, to ignore Lindsay Lohan -- really, we do. But she turns 23 on Thursday, which in itself is no big deal, but word is that the MGM Grand in las Vegas shelled out $70,000 to host last Saturday's "pre-celebration" at the hotel's Wet Republic pool party, the New York Post's Page Six says. That's a lot of birthday cake.

The promotional event for Sevyn Nine tanning spray (of which we know Linds is a fan) featured the one-time actress in five different bathing suits and lots of photo-taking before she hit the club. Sources say she wasn't drinking, but there was a more important purpose at hand -- making some much-need money. That would explain why no one else was there.

"None of her really close friends were there," a source told the tabloid. "The only person who was even known was Brittny Gastineau."

And really, that's pushing it. Boy, it seems like just yesterday Pure was canceling her 21st birthday bash because LiLo was in rehab.

[Photo: Wow, that many people showed up at the MGM on Saturday? Really? Getty Images]

Justin Timberlake will work for Guy Ritchie

It looks like Justin Timberlake will be headed back to the big screen, if Guy Ritchie has anything to say about it. Britain's Sun says the pair shook hands over belts of whiskey at a bar in London on Monday. Apparently JT isn't playing favorites between Guy and his ex-wife.

“Guy and Justin have known each other for a while through Guy’s ex-missus Madonna," a source told the paper. “Guy rates Justin as an actor. He thought he was impressive in Alpha Dog. He likes his personality."

But what kind of project does he like him for? Perhaps another silver screen treatment of Guys and Dolls, or even a remake of the war flick Wild Geese, the Sun says.

“Justin would be ideal for Guys And Dolls because he can act, dance and sing," the source adds. “He would be a great box office draw into the bargain, as well as a safe bet to sell the soundtrack.”

And plus, today's youth are so out of it, you don't even have to explain to them who Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Vivian Blaine are (we'll give them credit for Frank Sinatra).

[Photo: JT was in Berlin on Wednesday for the Bread and Butter fashion trade fair. Getty Images]