Anna Nicole's authorized biography yet to be written

You don't think we'd let Anna Nicole Smith rest just yet, did you? The New York Daily News says a new book in Smith's own words is on its way to shelves, if writer Joyce Wagner has anything to say about it. And boy does she ever.

Wagner's pitch is for a book based on interviews Wagner had with Smith going back to 1996, when the freshly rehabbed bombshell was looking to score a book deal to counter bills accrued after an $830,000 sexual harrassment lawsuit by her former nanny.

On tape, Smith recounted running away from home and being beaten by mama Virgie Arthur upon her return. "She started kicking me with her boot" and "hit me with a nightstick," Smith recalls. Wagner wouldn't go into detail on any sexual abuse, "but this book will explain a lot," she said. Well-played marketing, Joyce!

And as far as octogenarian hubby J. Howard Marshall's bedroom fitness is concerned: "We had sex a lot," Smith told Wagner. "He could not exactly satisfy me, which is to be expected. But he was very satisfied himself. That's really all that mattered to me. He satisfied me in other ways. He cared about me. He never looked down at me."

[Photo: AP]

Church to marry porn star

For your daily dose of Spider-Man 3 news, Starpulse says that Thomas Haden Church (who plays the Sandman in the latest installment, and was the womanizing friend from Sideways, if you'll recall), is soon to marry his former porn star girlfriend Mia Zottoli. Church says he doesn't mind that Mia's been in movies like Visions of Passion and Alien Erotica II, and that's good, since they've been together for five years now. "That's all in the past. Good life partners are well balanced, dynamic intellectually and romantically," he says. "I hope the wedding will be sooner rather than later."

Danny DeVito will need those drinks when Roseanne Barr takes over

Remember how Danny DeVito showed up schnockered in a November episode of The View, claiming he drank too many limoncellos with George Clooney? Well, the actor/producer/director has turned the whole schtick on its ear today by unveiling "Danny DeVito's Premium Limoncello" at the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America Annual Convention in Orlando. TMZ and Starpulse are reporting Harbrew Imports of freeport New York will launch the brand this summer. We're sure there'll be a lot more memorable View visits after that, with or without Rosie O'Donnell.

Jolie and Pearl started with a play date

Angelina Jolie's role as Mariane Pearl, the widow of murdered journalist Daniel Pearl, in the upcoming A Mighty Heart has everything to do with magazine interviews. A new piece in the May 8 issue of Glamour reveals Mariane decided to contact Angie after reading about her, suggesting the pair could get together over a play date with Angie's son Maddox and Mariane's son Adam.

Angie says she was “really nervous, thinking, ‘She’s such an intelligent European woman — what are we going to do together?’ So we went to this serious, European, existential play — it seemed like the right thing (and it was supposed to be okay for kids). But Adam and Mad got antsy, and finally halfway through, to each other’s relief, we were both like, ‘Do you want to get out of here?’ ”

That led to the inevitbale movie discussions. Pearl says she met with Brad Pitt about making A Mighty Heart even before he got involved with Angelina. “I wasn’t even sure I wanted to do a movie,” Pearl tells the magazine. “But when I met Brad — well, out of all the studios, he was the only one who had actually read the book!”

Oh that Brangelina ... so well-read and charismatic! It makes it so hard to dislike them.

[Photo: AP]

More Japanese commercials!

Okay, so I'm back to help you blow your busy day, this time with another commercial from Nihon. This on features 24's Jack Bauer (really played by the really real Kiefer Sutherland) battling through a crowded subway train full of Japanese schoolgirls. That actually sounds pretty kinky, but he's just selling some stuff called Calorie Mate.

Britney will finally let us know whether or not JT was any good in bed

You knew it was coming to this: Britney Spears is writing a tell-all book that will be so juicy, Juice*heads will have to wear bibs while turning the pages. Star says the pop tartlet is dropping major bombs about her life in November, starting with that weasel Justin Timberlake. Wait, what?

"I hear she's going to say that she believes he constantly lied to her about other girls and that destroyed her self-esteem," a source tells the mag. Near the end of their relationship, JT also apparently constantly called her fat and said she needed to lose weight before he'd have sex with her (again).

So how does she follow that up? By shacking with that winner Kevin Federline. "She feels Kevin just pretended to love her for the money and a music career," the source says. "When that sunk in, she was so heartbroken that she wanted to kill herself." Of course, most of us figured that's what he wanted from the beginning.

And finally, there's going to be a section about Brit's mama, Lynne. "Britney will call her a stage mom from hell' and blame her for almost every ill in her life," the insider dishes. "She'll say Lynne's money hungry and that she was just along for the free ride. Britney thinks of her as a meddling, smothering person and blames her for her messy marriages."

It's good to see that time in Promises taught Brit-Brit to take responsibility for her life!

Courtney selling Kurt's PJs

Courtney Love, infamous widow of Kurt Cobain, has announced she's selling most of his stuff. "I'm going to have a Christie's auction," Love, 42, tells Spinner.com. "(My house) is like a mausoleum." We could be cynical and say this is all suspiciously close in proximity to the release of her next album, Nobody's Daughter, but that's just mean. Love says her daughter Frances Bean will get "a sweater, a guitar and the lyrics to (Smells Like) Teen Spirit," but the rest is going on the block, with "a bunch" of the money going to charity. And hey, there's a sad human angle here, too. Says Love: "I still wear his pajamas to bed. How am I ever going to go form another relationship in my lifetime wearing Kurt's pajamas?"

[Photo: Frances Bean looks to escape Mommy Dearest. AP]

A small moment to make you laugh at the self-absorbed's expense

We're not Manhattan socialites by any means -- our idea of a good time is witnessing Jessica Sierra's bar brawl -- but this one struck us as hilarious. The Post's Page Six says NYC real estate mogul Barbara Corcoran boarded a flight from Washington, D.C., and found another woman was ticketed for her seat, so Babs was reseated. Then, a source says, "When the plane landed, she got in a cab and told the driver she wanted to go to 79th Street and Madison Ave nue, and he said, 'You would have to pay me double.' " It seems the rich and shameless Corcoran had gotten on a flight to Syracuse, not the Big Apple! Upstaters must have found that simply riotous.

A Rosie by any other name

Who better to replace a Rosie on The View than another Rosie? That's what the New York Post is saying, claiming Roseanne Barr is the favorite to replace departing Rosie O'Donnell. "It's going to be hard for them to follow Rosie," an "industry insider" tells the Post. "Roseanne could be the only one capable of pulling it off." And as to whether the former sitcom queen would take the job, all she told Larry King last week was "I'm not looking for the job," followed by "Well, I want $10 million, like Rosie." Is it any worse than the other names being mentioned, like Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathie Lee Gifford and Connie Chung? OH yeah, and Elizabeth Hasselbeck announced she was pregnant today, but who cares about that?

Next... time I'll stay home

<...an Ill Literate post...>

On Tuesday, the classic car broker who swindled Nicolas Cage and others was sentenced to five years in prison and $1.8 million in restitution. Cage alone lost $300,000.

Today, the shoe's on the other foot: Cage is trying to swindle moviegoers out of their hard-earned cash with Next, a laughably lame action flick with sci-fi undertones.

Even the highly-distracting presence of Jessica Biel can't save ... um ... what was I saying again?

Biggest problem with Next? Its utterly preposterous concept. No, I don't mean the fact that Cage's character can see into the future and alter it any way he wishes. I mean the notion that Biel's character would, over the course of 48 hours, fall head over heels for this guy.

Want to know why else you should save your money for Spider-Man 3? Check out my review of Next here. [Photo: AP]

Drunk Girl Driving (allegedly)

<...an Ill Literate post...>

The pun in the title will be clear in a moment, but first: If you haven't heard, musican/actor/hottie Eve was arrested in the wee hours of Thursday morning on suspicion of drunk driving. Apparently, smashing your Maserati into a center divider on Hollywood Boulevard about 2:45 a.m. tends to arouse such suspicions.

But today, the story got 200 times stranger: Shortly after Eve was booked, a friend stopped by the jail, offering to pay her bail.

That friend? Sean Penn, of all people.

According to the New York Daily News, the Dead Man Walking star arrived about 4 a.m. Eve declined the offer and paid her own bail, and Penn fled as paparazzi started arriving. The Daily News's unnamed source said Eve and Penn might have "partied" together earlier in the evening.

We thought Penn and Stephen Colbert made for odd bedfellows, but Eve? And what must Penn's wife, the lovely actor Robin Wright Penn (The Princess Bride), be making of this? [Photos: AP, Getty]

The Juice* is taking it easy

Sorry boys and girls, but I'm feeling a bit under the weather lately (must've been some mutant gambling-hall bug I picked up in Vegas) so the blog was offline Thursday and will be again today (unless Gersh decides to work for once). With a little luck we'll be up and running at full speed Monday, so please come back so I can continue to afford groceries. And don't forget, we're still running daily in tbt*!

In the meantime, enjoy this old commercial of the governor of California selling what I believe is known as a hangover cure, a vitamin-fortified drink Japanese salarymen drink to get over long nights of "networking" (of course, you shouldn't quote me on that). Maybe I should get this stuff.

Looking for booze clues

There’s some alcohol-related mischief going on out there, as Justin Timberlake told a Belfast crowd that he had a little incredible juice before the show, the Daily Mail says. “I’ve had four of five Guinness before I came on — I love that s---.” He also downed tequila shots, but to be fair, he did that in Tampa, too. Speaking of the devil’s brew, In Touch Weekly says the aforementioned Britney Spears “tossed back glasses of wine” with cousin Allie Sims before going out drinking at Parc in L.A. on April 14. That’d be after her release from rehab. And she lost custody? Who’da thunk?

Joe Francis is reaping what he sowed

The Girls Gone Wild empire is crumbling. TMZ reports Joe Francis, who is serving a 35-day sentence in a Panama City jail, has been charged with one count of misdemeanor sexual battery in L.A. An city attorney told the site that Francis was at a birthday party in January when he started feeling up the plaintiff, an 18-year-old girl. He’ll be arraigned May 22, with a maximum penalty of six months in jail and a $2,000 fine. Sounds like the floodgates are beginning to open a bit wider. [Photo: AP]

Courtroom shenanigans make for tragic hilarity

Being the wordsmiths that we are, we here at The Juice* love reading those moronic courtroom transcripts. You know the ones, with lines like this:

Lawyer: "Are you married?"

Witness: "No, I'm divorced."

Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"

Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."

And this chestnut:

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"

Witness: "July 15th."

Lawyer: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year."

Read more idiotic ramblings here.

Here's your 'View' video

In case you actually have a job and can't watch daytime TV all the time, here's a clip of Rosie bidding adieu:

Anderson is a boxer briefs kind of guy

Anderson Cooper really shouldn’t flatter himself too much. The New York Post’s Page Six says the CNN star is so wary of exposure, he takes rather extreme measures, even at the gym. “Everyone knows camera phones are easy to smuggle anywhere, so sensible Anderson reportedly showers in his underwear,” gossip queen Janet Charlton says. “Boxer briefs, to be exact.” So even when he works hard to make sure there’s no news, there’s news. Good job, AC! [Photo: Handout]

Joe Simpson looks to add to his stable

It seems Joe Simpson is set to provide his creepy brand of daddy love to a new victim — our very own rehabbed Britney Spears! The New York Daily News says Joe has tried to set up a meeting with the train wreck in order to get her career back on track, though to no avail at this point. Word is, daughter Jessica has even put in a call to Brit. He must be doing something right: talentless Jessica has a gig at Pure next week with the Pussycat Dolls and even Ashlee has a couple No. 1 singles. Of course, it still feels weird that Jess bought him that Ferrari even with her albums sales in the toilet. Maybe Brit-Brit will reconcile with her own pops, Jamie, after all.

LL Cool J on Broadway? Seriously?

Still itching to hit a show on Broadway? The New York Post says LL Cool J is in talks to play Brick in the Tennessee Williams opus Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. The show, produced by Stephen Byrd and directed by Debbie Allen, could feature co-stars like Phylicia Rashad, Anika Noni Rose and Louis Gossett Jr., the paper writes. We’re still waiting for the revival of Cats, starring all the little people who played Ewoks in Return of the Jedi.

Jimmy Kimmel pays tribute to Heather Mills

No doubt you saw Heather Mills get the boot off Dancing With the Stars, but Jimmy Kimmel is never one to let a cheap gag get by him.

Pax gets another name change

Angelina Jolie hasn’t been on The Juice* for awhile, so no doubt that slight has pushed her to file some legal papers. Presumably after a knock-down, drag-out battle with man-steak and life partner Brad Pitt a la Mr. & Mrs Smith, Angie’s decided to change her newly adopted son’s name from Pax Thien Jolie to Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt, the AP reports. There’s no binding inference there: Jolie filed for adoption as a single parent because she and Brad aren’t married. Still, she wants the 3-year-old’s name to include “the last name of her partner,” the petition says. Because the move from Vietnam wasn’t stressful enough for the poor tyke. [Photo: AP]

Oh, and Vanessa Minnillo is quitting, too

Meanwhile, in equally earth-shattering news, annoying veejay Vanessa Minnillo has announced she’s leaving Total Request Live this summer, E! Online reports. Nick Lachey’s girlfriend says she’s ready to explore other avenues. “I had my four year there like high school or college,” she tells People. “I’m ready for the next chapter—what it is, I have no idea. [But] I don’t want to be 48 saying, ‘Hey kids, now it’s Sean Preston Spears’ video.’ "The 26-year-old former Miss Teen USA joined MTV in 2003, but it feels like much, much longer. [Photo: Getty Images]

Rosie, we hardly knew ye ... wait, we knew ye pretty well ...

The View’s not so Rosie on ABC, where oft-controversial co-host Rosie O’Donnell has decided to leave in June after being unable to come to terms on a contract with the network, the AP reports. Rosie said on the air Wednesday that she wanted to stay for another year, but ABC wanted her for three, so she’s packing her bags.

“It just didn’t work, and that’s show biz,” she said. “But it’s not sad because I loved it here and I love you guys and I’m not going away.” She’ll be back though, appearing occasionally for stuff like a special show on autism.

No doubt Barbara Walters is pleased as punch about the news, Rosie’s nemesis Donald Trump said. The real estate mogul quickly claimed on the Fox News Channel that O’Donnell got the axe because of her raw tirade at Monday’s Women in Communications luncheon.

“Barbara’s the happiest person in the world that Rosie’s been fired,” Trump said. O’Donnell’s (and Walters’s) spokeswoman, Cindi Berger, denied Trump’s suggestion, saying she wondered how Trump was supposed to know what happened in contract talks.

And as for Walters herself, she fessed up on the show, saying “This is not my doing or my choice.” Especially not with the kind of ratings Rosie brought to the show. And speaking of ratings, the perfect storm is brewing for ABC — daughter-bashing Alec Baldwin is slated to appear on the show Friday.

A replacement hasn’t been announced or, according to Walters, even considered. But we hear Sanjaya Malakar is available.

[Photo: ABC]

Die Hard? Boy does it...

<...an Ill Literate post>

Nothing (except The King of Queens) dies harder than the Die Hard series. Sure, it's been 12 years since unstoppable cop John McClane's third adventure, Die Hard: With A Vengeance, 17 since Die Hard 2: Die Harder and 19 since the original classic Die Hard.

But Bruce Willis is back this summer in Live Free or Die Hard, which could well be the worst movie title Hollywood's drummed up since... um... Die Hard: With A Vengeance.

Live Free's release is still two months away, but the trailer's been getting plenty of play. Which brings me to my mixed emotions. The original Die Hard remains one of the coolest, most perfect action movies ever. The two sequels, while lesser, still are far better than most "supercop" fare.

I have high hopes for the fourth installment, but lowered expectations. Why? For one, the credited writers have mediocre resumes, and director Len Wiseman's only previous films are the two Underworld flicks. (Granted, they're not too bad. But hardly Die Hard worthy.)

I'm buoyed by the supporting cast: Timothy Olyphant, awesome in Deadwood and Go, is the big baddie. (No one will ever top Alan Rickman, but Tim's a good call.) Justin Long, the "Mac" in those Get a Mac commercials, plays McClane's sidekick. He's a likeable kid. (OK, he's 28. But he looks younger.)

The insanely talented Jeffrey Wright's in there too, plus Mary Elizabeth Winstead (hot), Maggie Q (hotter) and Kevin Smith (smokin' hot).

My two big issues: One, the action sequences in the trailer (watch it below) look cool, but some are so over-the-top and clearly computer-generated they look like Die Hard cartoons. And two...

Bruce is bald in this one. Hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Your Juice* authors basically are too, at least at the moment. (Yes, Josh, I shaved my head. See you at soccer.)

But Bald Bruce just isn't John McClane to me. Bald Bruce just looks like the same guy from Hostage and Tears of the Sun and a bunch of other (mostly) bad movies.

Look, I realize all the Rogaine in the world won't make the guy Sanjaya, but come on. He's still pulling the receded-hairline look in recent flicks like Perfect Stranger and Lucky Number Slevin--so why suddenly go chrome dome when you're back playing McClane? (That's him from the third film in the pic. Now that's John McClane.)

Think I'm overstating the point? Let me know. Check out the trailer and let me know if that doesn't look more like the chunky-phase Britney blowing away the bad guys:

[Photo: Times files]

Cheer on South Florida in tonight's 'Pussycat Dolls'

Chelsea is in the top three on Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll tonight on the CW, and we're cheering for her all the way. Why? She's from Cooper City, down near Lauderdale. And she tries to sing Christina Aguilera songs. To wit:

A few side dishes to get you through the afternoon

• A fire broke out in an old post office building in Chicago where a crew was filming The Dark Knight, the sequel to Batman Begins, Defamer says. Someone must have seen Heath Ledger’s Joker makeup.

• We’re law-abiding citizens here at The Juice*, so we can’t show you all the photos of Britney Spears and her new abs that are floating around the Internets. Needless to say, we think there’s more than just TrimSpa at work here.

• Rod Stewart’s son Shawn is under investigation for assault with a deadly weapon for allegedly throwing bricks at somebody during an altercation over the weekend, Page Six says. Deadly weapon? We thought Sons of Hollywood had been cancelled.

Rosie gets raw at media luncheon

There may be a reason why Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t do stand-up anymore. Her idea of funny as the host at Monday’s Matrix Awards in New York was to grab her crotch and shout “Eat me!”

The New York Post’s Page Six says she was ranting about Donald Trump calling her fat and disgusting, saying the harsh words made her sad because “it was always my dream to give an old, bald billionaire a boner.”

It was unfortunate that her take on the situation came at the annual luncheon of N.Y. Women in Communications, featuring presenters like News Corp. Chairman Rupert Murdoch, Joy Behar, Nora Ephron, Martha Stewart and Sen. Hillary Clinton, the paper said, and was honoring the likes of Cindy Adams, Meredith Vieira, Joan Didion, Susan Lyne, Arianna Huffington and Lisa Caputo.

But apparently the crude display didn’t sway NYWC’s managing director, Beth Ellen Keyes. She sent an email to O’Donnell’s people gushing, “Rosie was fabulous. Please let Rosie know how much we appreciated her being there. She was just great.” We’ll stick with The View, thanks.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Harry Potter's looking like a bad-ass

We already gave you one movie trailer today, so this one is just to waste more of your time. While your kids drool over the prospect of a the final book's release, you can rest assured that as Harry Potter gets older the movies are getting darker, and therefore more entertaining. Check out the international trailer for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix to see what we mean.

Russell Simmons wants to clean up hip-hop

Hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, who’s made millions off rap lyrics, says the recording industry needs to wipe the slate clean, banning the holy trinity of racist and sexist epithets from rap music and editing them out of broadcasts, the AP says.

For the sake of the wandering youthful eye who can click on this fine, free publication on a daily basis, we’ll say the terms mentioned are the “b” word, the “h” word Don Imus got in trouble for, and the ever-grotesque “n” word.

“We recommend (they’re) always out,” Simmons said. “This is a first step. It’s a clear message and a consistency that we want the industry to accept for more corporate social responsibility.”

Of course, the real problem is getting artists to not use them in the first place. We like the idea, but no one’s going to listen to hip-hop singles with half the song edited out.

[Photo: Getty Images]

'Spider-Man 3' on sale in China, probably worth your $$$

You don’t have to wait until May 4 to see Spider-Man 3 — just head over to Beijing. Reuters reports the webslinger’s latest adventure is on sale in the form of pirate DVDs, available for about $1 apiece. Chances are it was filmed during the world premiere in Tokyo earlier this month. But it still may be worth going to see in theaters, as the New York Post says the latest is “packed with crowd-pleasing moments and satisfactorily wraps up the trilogy.” Still, our suspicions of it being overlong and too full of villainy may be true. With Venom, the Hobgoblin and Sandman present, the third film “throws in everything but the kitchen sink to milk the franchise for more millions,” the Post says. We’ve got our Hamiltons primed and ready for the box office anyway.

Check out the not-so-illegal trailer here (the Venom-centric one, anyway):

Kim has absolutely no motivation to want to make her ex-husband look like a raving lunatic

Kim Basinger didn’t leak that awful voicemail of Alec Baldwin calling their 11-year-old daughter Ireland a “rude, thoughtless little pig,” the AP reports. “Kim Basinger did not release the voicemail. Additionally, the voicemail was not sealed under a court order,” her publicist said. Of course she didn’t — she has absolutely no reason to give the media that message. Other than the bitter custody fight she’s been locked in with Baldwin since their 2002 divorce. And the 12 misdemeanor counts of criminal contempt she faces for allegedly violating Alec’s visitation rights. No, no reason at all. As one Juice* staffer says, if we were Ireland, we’d divorce our parents. [Photos: Getty Images]

Mel B names baby after Murphy

The paternity tests haven’t even come in yet, but Melanie Brown fires another shot across Eddie Murphy’s bow. The AP reports the former Scary Spice has named her newborn daughter Angel Iris Murphy Brown, after the supposed father, and named Eddie as the daddy on the birth certificate. “Angel, as she was my little angel through my pregnancy. Iris, as it’s my grandma’s name, Murphy because he’s the dad, and Brown, because I’m the Mum!” the 31-year-old Brown said. How is naming your daughter after a Candice Bergen sitcom supposed to pressure Eddie? Oh, riiiight ...

Sanjaya, Sanjaya, everywhere

Sanjaya Malakar won't go away. In fact, we're getting more of him now than when he was just on American Idol. He's been spotted with Petra Nemcova, he went to some dinner at the White House, and even the New York Post says he's getting preferential treatment at the airport while Jane Fonda and Ann Curry have to wait in line. Here he is reading the Top 10 on last night's Late Night with David Letterman:

If you called Paris Hilton's phone number just to annoy her ... thanks!

Well, well, well ... It seems yesterday's item about Shanna Moakler posting Paris Hilton's phone number and email address on MySpace rang true with plenty of Juice*heads. The New York Post's Page Six reports Hilton was in Las Vegas when suddenly "the phone calls started pouring in," her rep says. After calling Moakler "childish and mean-spirited," the rep said "It appears to me that this woman is desperate for press and attention." Mission accomplished!

Speaking of 'Spider-Man 3'

Here's one-time supermodel Claudia Schiffer wearing a garbage bag some first-grade class from the late '60s has been drawing on at the London premiere of Spider-Man 3 on Monday. We remember when Claudia was hot -- what happened ? She couldn't spare a few bucks for a real dress? Also pictured are non-disasters Kirsten Dunst, Tobey Maguire, James Franco and Topher Grace.

[Photos: Getty Images]

And still no R rating?

Spider-Man 3 is rumored to have cost as much as $500-million to make, Radar Online says. “I refuse to say the [real] number because it makes me choke, co-producer Laura Ziskin says.
At least half of that must have gone to Kirsten Dunst's makeup.

Anna Nicole gave us more laughs just by being herself

Anna Nicole Smith’s final movie, a sci-fi mess called Illegal Aliens, is so cringe-worthy that even curious fans may not want to bother, the New York Post says. The vehicle’s plot, such as it is, involves a trio of aliens assigned to protect earth from Joanie Laurer, a.k.a. former wrestler Chyna. The hilarious part involves the dialogue Anna’s character must spout, including lines like, “To pee or not to pee. That is the question. I think I’ll pee.” and “Nobody sticks a missile in Lucy’s butt and gets away with it.” Looks like either way, Anna’s acting career was dead.

Joe Francis will rot in jail for three more weeks, at the very least

Girls Gone Wild maven Joe Francis pleaded guilty to a count of criminal contempt Monday, TMZ reports, from a case involving seven women claiming his roaming cameras victimized them. He was sentenced to 35 days in jail minus time served, meaning he’ll stay in the Bay County lockup for 23 more days, and then have to pay a $5,010 fine, the site says. What’s more, he’ll probably be arrested upon his release for bringing prescription drugs into the jail. No word on whether he smuggled in a video camera, too, but chances are his cellmates wouldn’t mind making a few movies. [Photo: Getty Images]

J.Lo cashes in on birthday bash

London’s Daily Mail reports that Jennifer Lopez will be paid $2-million to sing at the birthday party of Russian tycoon Andrei Melnichenko’s wife. She’ll get $1.2-million for her 40-minute appearance plus $800,000 for expenses, the paper reports, mere pocket change for Melnichenko, who’s worth about $5-billion. In case you can’t do the math, that’s about $50,000 per minute. A great rate, exscept that the Russian paid twice as much for a personal appearance by Christina Aguilera last year. Either way, it’ll pay for a lot of return trips to the block for J.Lo. [Photo: Getty Images]

We'll call this today's time waster, because calling this number really is a waste of time

Shanna Moakler has had it with that Paris Hilton girl and her little pal Lindsay Lohan, going on her MySpace page and giving away her personal info. Writes Moakler:

“Since there are 2 little girls with to much time on their hands and no one to love them ... I’d like to share my ‘hacked’ info as well. I’ve tried to disassociate myself from both these parties for some time now and like a fungus they won’t go away.
Paris Hilton: princessph@mycingular.blackberry.net
310-801-0148
djllohan@tmail.com (’cause we like to pretend we are people we will never be talented enough to be)
Lindsay Lohan: labellavita7@tmo.blackberry.net”

Now, we can’t guarantee this is authentic, but if you’re bored this week, why not try it out? The phone number’s mailbox if full anyway.

Madonna broke her promise to David's daddy

You knew Madonna’s trip to Malawi wasn’t gonna be all sunshine and lollipops, and it seems David Banda’s father, Yohane, was the big loser. People reports a scheduled meeting between David and Yohane was cancelled at the last minute, after the onion and tomato farmer trekked in from the bush and waited all day. You didn’t hear about that last week, did you? Even Madge flak Liz Rosenberg says she doesn’t know if the meeting actually took place. But that’s okay, because we and everyone else gave Madonna great press for being such a humanitarian.

Americans destroying London ... typical

Somehow, watching the trailer for 28 Weeks Later (the sequel to 28 Days Later), we can't help but feel there's a political message going on here. Like, why is London being firebombed by Americans who have "lost control" of the situation? Still, it's a zombie movie (well, technically not, but it is), so we're lining up for May 11 ...

It's no 'Alien vs. Predator'

Here’s a philosophical argument for you: Is it okay to be upset that a B-movie director is remaking a cherished B movie? The Hollywood Reporter says Death Race, Paul W.S. Anderson’s remake of Roger Corman’s 1975 classic Death Race 2000, may be casting Brit tough guy Jason Statham in the David Carradine role. We don’t know whether to laugh or cry, especially since Tom Cruise was the original choice for the Paramount project (but we know how they feel about him now). In case you’ve never seen it, DR2000 is about a cross-country road race where drivers score points for running down innocent bystanders. Or, as you know it, the daily I-275 commute.

[Photo: Statham polished his driving (and poor acting) skills in 'The Transporter.' Handout]

Sheryl Crow details convenient solutions, beats down Karl Rove

Sheryl Crow should stick to singing and plucking guitar strings. The AFP points out a posting on her Web site that says she has a great idea to wipe out global warming: conserve trees by limiting bathroom visits to one square of toilet paper.

“I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required,” she rants.

Her other ideas include selling clothes with built-in sleeve napkins and producing a reality TV show where the most eco-friendly contestant wins a recording contract. So they can record what? Crazy left-wing diatribes?

All this comes after her attendance at the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, where Crow and Karl Rove got in a dustup when the Rovester got all up in her grill when she tried to touch his arm to get his attention.

The New York Daily News reports Rove said, “Don’t touch me,” to which Sheryl replied, “You can’t speak to us like that, you work for us.” Karl responded, “I don’t work for you, I work for the American people.” Ummmm ... so Sheryl points out, “We are the American people.” OWNED!

[Photo: Crow and David at the dinner on Saturday. Getty Images]

Chevy Chase bio details abuse

Chevy Chase may have had a long career as a funnyman, but his childhood was genuinely tragic. The New York Post provides a peek of his new authorized biography, Rena Fruchter’s I’m Chevy Chase ... And You’re Not, detailing a history of abuse by a crazy mother and vicious stepfather.

Seems Chase’s concert-pianist mama, Cathalene, suffered from depression and panic attacks, and that caused her to do stuff like lock Chevy in a closet for hours on end and whip him on a regular basis. “She would say to me, ‘Ten lashes on the backs of your legs every day for a week at 5 p.m.’,” Chase recalls. “... I knew I was a ‘bad boy,’ but I didn’t know that everybody wasn’t punished the same way I was.”

Cathalene’s second husband, John Cederquist, also battered Chase with “emotional and physical abuse that sometimes bordered on torture,” Fruchter writes. “I’ll never forgive them. At their graves I didn’t,” the comedian says. “It was too hard for me. You would think a grown man could shake it off, as the coffin was being lowered, to say, ‘I forgive you.’ I didn’t forgive.” [Photo: AP]

This is still better than being killed by Brad Pitt and dragged behind a chariot

Actor Eric Bana, whom you may last recall hulking out in Hulk or saving soldiers as the Delta Force guy in Black Hawk Down, apparently doesn’t get enough danger onscreen. The 38-year-old crashed his painstakingly restored 1974 Ford XB Coupe during a road rally this weekend in Australia, the AP says. “We had been having a great day until then,” Bana said. “But I misjudged a tight left-hander and ... we went into a couple of trees at a fairly low speed.” Bana’s owned the car since he was 15, but it was too badly damaged to continue. “It’s a real shame, but that’s motor racing,” he said. Just as well: He and co-driver Tony Ramunno were in 53rd place. [Photo: AP]

Paris likes the Blunt

Page Six says You’re Beautiful crooner James Blunt was seen hooking up with Paris Hilton at the Roosevelt Hotel in L.A. last Wednesday. “They were all over each other,” a source tells the paper. “They both ended up back at Paris’ house.” Said a Blunt rep: “This sounds like gossip to me!” No, really ... he's quoted and everything.

Ridiculous news items

• That Swedish couple who wanted to name their 7-month-old daughter Metallica can go ahead, the AP reports. And that daughter can live a long, miserable life.

• Madonna’s people say the Material Girl has no plans to adopt more children, ContactMusic.com says. Definitely. Probably. Most likely. As far as we can tell.

• Jessica Alba is making $5-million for her Revlon contract, the New York Post says. That’s a lot of money for an invisible woman.

• The Hollywood Reporter says Lawrence Fishburne will portray the voice of the Silver Surfer in the sequel to Fantastic Four. The whole time we’ll be imagining him asking us whether we want to take the blue pill or the red pill.

Art fans and messy Marvins, rejoice!

If you dig modern art, or even just saw Pollock with Ed Harris, you'll dig this online Jackson Pollock-esque time drainer. You can even print out your masterpiece when you're finished.

(Click the mouse to change colors)

Dribs and drabs available here.

Yeah, Gwen's still got it

Gwen Stefani and Co. are headed to Tampa in a couple weeks, so as a warmup we'll point out the video for 4 in the Morning, now courtesy of the YouTube:

India's Brangelina are official

The AFP confirms that Bollywood stars Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan were finally married Friday, after three days of traditional Hindu wedding celebrations. More than a thousand fans crowded outside the family compound in Mumbai, hoping to catch a glimpse of “Abhiash,” as the couple are known.

With only 100 guests, the ceremony was a tight-knit affair — a Hindu ceremony can usually include thousands of invitees. Rai, 33, wore a traditional red sari for the ceremony, while the 32-year-old groom sported a traditional turban and sherwani coat. The couple walked around the holy fire seven times to complete their marriage, and performed rituals that will bind them in marriage for their next seven lives (imagine the attorney fees in a divorce!).

The only stumble in the whole shebang was the attempted suicide of Jhanvi Kapoor, a little-known actress who slashed her wrist outside the Bachchan home, claiming Abhishek had promised to marry her. She must have been pretty upset (like we were) to learn no media photographers were allowed inside.

[Photo: Abhishek Bachchan rides a horse from one family member's house to another with his face covered in flowers and ornaments, a Northern Indian Hindu tradition, during his weding on Friday. AP]

Sharon Osbourne will decide who can sing?

Brandy’s legal woes are forcing her to quit as a judge of NBC’s America’s Got Talent, the AP reports, so Sharon Osbourne will replace her, the AP reports. Ozzy’s 54-year-old wife will be on the show May 29, when the show debuts its second season. “On this show, it just had to be Sharon Osbourne,” executive producer Simon Cowell said. She’ll join returning judges David Hasselhoff and British media figure Piers Morgan. Jerry Springer is the new host of the $1 million-prize contest. But The Juice* wonders, if she married Ozzy, how good a judge of talent can she be?

Great, as if taking the 7 train in from Queens wasn't crowded enough

April Fool’s Day is long gone, so this is not a joke: Spider-Man is headed to Broadway. The AP reports the web-head’s tale will be directed by Tony winner Julie Taymor with new music and lyrics by U2 frontman Bono and guitarist The Edge. No opening date was announced, but Marvel Studios said a reading would take place this summer. Locals, of course, could save the trip and go to the Universal Studios ride, which has got to be a whole lot more fun than anything Broadway has planned. [Photo: Handout]

It's not like Britney has daddy issues or anything

Jamie Spears, father to wild child Britney, told the New York Post’s Page Six that his daughter’s manager Larry Rudolph did a great job, and didn’t deserve being fired on April 13 (or the pop tart’s subsequent, scathing remarks).

“When Larry Rudolph talked Britney into going into rehab, he was doing what her mother, father and team of professionals with over 100 years of experience knew needed to be done. She was out of control. Larry was the one chosen by the team to roll up his sleeves and deliver the message, to help save her life,” Jamie told the Post via e-mail.

“The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter’s statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him.”

Britney’s response to the paper was less than cordial: “I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It’s sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman’s love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now.”

Hopefully that means concentrating on staying out of the clubs, Paris Hilton’s car, rehab and those pesky gossip columns.

Meanwhile, a friend of Brit’s tells the Post the singer “had no drugs in her system when she was admitted to Promises — they [tested her] and there was nothing. She was embarrassed she had to go in there when she knew she was suffering from postpartum depression, not a drug or alcohol problem.”

She also blamed the head-shaving on an act of solidarity for an aunt who had just died of cancer, and not on possible drug testing. Somehow, that one is a bit far-fetched.

[Photo: AP]

Alec is a mean SOB after all

A late-breaker at TMZ shows us that Alec Baldwin’s custody battle with ex-wife Kim Basinger over 11-year-old daughter Ireland may not be all smoke and mirrors. In an angry voicemail tirade Alec calls his daughter a “thoughtless little pig” and lambasts her behavior. TMZ posits Baldwin may lose his visitation rights over this one. Sure, Kim’s probably the one to leak it to TMZ (against court order, no less), but hear it for yourselves!

Go listen to the message here.

Battling Britney draws up her plans

Star magazine and the New York Post say Britney Spears is whipping herself back into shape, a la Rocky, for that comeback tour. She’s been dropping the pounds, going form a size 6 to a size 2 (such a pig!), $130,000 worth of soybean anti-fat injections, and some work on the slab from Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia, who worked on Jennifer Aniston and Ashley Simpson. Then, rumor has it, those tattoos are long gone. Wait, Britney — we were just getting used to Christina Aguilera as the new post-