Britney Spears, Mel Gibson go on vacation

In today's sign of Apocalypto, Entertainment Tonight says Britney Spears and Mel Gibson are vactioning together in Costa Rica. The show's Web site says they left early Thursday with Brit's dad Jamie coming along for a ride.

Um, and that's about it. ET says they're all staying at Mel's home there, but the show doesn't know why or how long they'll be gone. And it's right about now the members of The Juice* collective are starting to wonder how we ended up doing this for a living.

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Madonna hearing delayed, defends Britney

As if any of you actually cared, but a ruling whether Madonna was allowed to keep her adopted Malawian son David Banda was delayed yet again Thursday.

A judge's decision was supposed to come down, but lawyer Alan Chinula said the proceedings were delayed after a local human rights group argued about "shortcomings" in the nation's adoption laws, the AP reports. Chinula said the group wasn't challenging Madge's adoption.

Meanwhile, in a subject closer to our sphere of influence, Madonna was telling the BBC that people shouldn't blame Britney Spears for being the way she is.

"I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she was never allowed to have a childhood," Madonna told said in an interview. “She didn't get to grow up and make mistakes privately and try things out and just be a kid and be innocent. She's been watched, judged and been under a microscope since she's been a teenager. It's hard to evolve that way."

We're willing to go out on a limb and say Madge knows what she's saying when she's talking about modifying one's image. Tha must be why she's also planning to open a girl's school in Malawi. Oh come on, Oprah Winfrey tried that in South Africa and look what happened!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Source and source

Britney Spears talking dirty to Kevin Federline

Star says Britney Spears has taken to having regular phone chats with ex-husband Kevin Federline. Phone sex chats, that is. Apparently she picked up the phone during one sleepless night to talk about Sean and Jayden when the talk took a turn. Now it’s a regular thing.

“They have phone sex often — at least once a week,” a source says. “The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred.” Time to block numbers!

[Photo: AP]

Britney Spears is back on TV ... with Doogie

So what if Neil Patrick Harris didn't like the stunt-casting of Britney Spears on How I Met Your Mother? It seems some suits at CBS didn't like Doogie yapping his trap, so as punishment they're making him act out scenes with Miss Brit until he learns some manners. Record ratings will do that to producers.

In a clip released by CBS, Harris is shown hanging out with Brit's Abby, wearing matching sweaters as boyfriend and girlfriend. Oh, there's so much she doesn't know! Anyway, we know the background gossip already, so check out the clip above. The episode airs May 12. Neil eats crow on May 13.

Troubled singers: Winehouse, Spears, Doherty

• Producer Mark Ronson says he and Amy Winehouse have abandoned recording the theme to the latest James Bond film because the singer is not ready to work, the AP reports. She must have thought a Quantum of Solace was some kind of new drug slang.

• Britney Spears can now have expanded visits with her two sons Sean and Jayden after a custody hearing in L.A., the AP says. Of course, whether the tykes are endangered by continued exposure to dad Kevin Federline wasn’t really discussed.

• And just to keep our theme going, Pete Doherty was freed from a London prison after serving just 29 days of a 14-week sentence for violating probation, Reuters reports. But we’re sure he made lots of new friends.

[Photo: AP]

Britney Spears blew about $61 million in a year

And since it's been more than a week since we brought up Britney Spears, we thought you all would like to know Miss Thing has lost up to $61 million since she shaved her head in February 2007.

In Touch says that dad Jamie Spears' became co-conservator of her finances three months ago, he's seen that her behavior -- which led to lots of legal bills, rehab stints, visits to shrinks and hospitals and making her unable to work -- has really added up.

“By not touring for her last album (Blackout), she lost out on $50 million,” estimates CPA Robert Bianchi, whom In Touch got to help them get such a ridiculously high number.

But an inside source says Jamie's done a lot to get her affairs in order, including curbing her spending and helping her get back in physical and fiscal shape.

“It’s staggering how much money has been used up,” the source says. “It’s been quite a challenge getting things under control. She’s spending about a fifth of what she used to." So she's down to around $11 million, then?

[Photo: Back in 2000. AP]

Britney Spears is, like, all skinny now, and junk

Star must be feeling guilty about all the Britney Spears-bashing they've been doing. The mag's newest cover story is about how Britney got her bikini back. The mag features "exclusive all-new photos" of Brit trudging around Malibu beach, so of course it's got to be a big deal.

"While she's not there yet, she has dropped 20 pounds, the cellulite is gone and her dancer's legs are back!" Star touts. They also promise to show you how she "beat the cellulite" and "dropped 20 lbs. in just 30 days."

Of course, after that whole thing with Ok! using 5-year-old photos of her in their story about how Spears "lost 15 lbs. in just 4 weeks," there's absolutely no way of telling if this is real or not. But still, it's better than reading about her getting drunk or dropping her kids on the sidewalk.

Britney Spears back to How I Met Your Mother

After garnering fantastical ratings when Britney Spears was on the show, the gang at How I Met Your Mother have invited her back for another guest shot, People reports. Oh, we know, we were suprised, too.

"The show is ecstatic and so is Britney," an insider tells the mag. "She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more."

We wonder what Neil Patrick Harris thinks, since he was decrying Brit's "stunt casting." But then, his producers and an extra million viewers probably don't care if Harris was ticked off.

[Photo: CBS]

Britney Spears has to pay her lawyers' fees

We have to check in on one Ms. Britney Spears to say that a court commissioner ruled yes, she actually has to pay her lawyers for all that work they've been doing. Commissioner Reva Goetz ordered attoreys are due more than $372,500 of Brit's money.

The cash is to be meted out by her conservators, dad Jamie Spears and attorney Andrew Wallet. They're going to stay in control of her assets until at least the next hearing on May 29. We're hoping by then Brit will eb able to prove she won't blow all her cash on new cars and Sam Lutfi.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears may release her video diaries

We've already said that Britney Spears is looking high and low for a reality show deal, but the U.K.'s Mirror says she's already dabbled behind the camera, and she may send it out for all the world to see.

The tabloid says she recorded video diaries over the last six months and dished about her family and friends, including Justin Timberlake, Kevin Federline and her rival, Christina Aguilera.

"Britney's video diaries are the talk of the Tinseltown elite," a source said. "Her high-profile friends and exes -- including Justin -- knew what she was up to but assumed she was filming herself as a form of therapy. If she does decide to go public with the footage, it'll be explosive."

Explosive as in great TV? Or as in heartbreaking mental meltdown?

"Although some of it is really sad to watch -- especially the parts where she's close to breakdown -- others are dynamite," the source continues. "Not surprisingly both JT and Kevin Federline are terrified the material will end up all over the net. Or, even worse, Britney will agree to another MTV documentary, and release some of the footage through official channels."

It can't be any worse than Chaotic.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Was Britney Spears trying to dodge cops?

The Juice* debated long and hard amongst ourselves about whether we should even bother to write about Britney Spears' weekend car accident. The AP reports she got into a minor fender-bender on the freeway around 8:20 p.m. when she bumped the car in front of her in stop-and-go traffic, forcing that car to bump the car in front of it. No real damage, and no citations given. The end.

But now CelebTV has footage of Brit hopping into the passenger seat of her car so an unidentified man could take her place behind the driver's seat before the cops showed up. All the while, paparazzi are snapping away, catching the whole thing (see the video above).

Other gossip outlets would have you think she was doing something on the less-than-legal side. The Juice* is going to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she simply wanted more room to eat a cheeseburger or something while she waited.

Britney Spears wants to do a reality show

Our very best good friend Britney Spears has been laying low recently (except for shelling out $25k for charity, which is good), so what would be a better idea than starting up the ol' buzz machine? Besides a mountain retreat on a lake in Montana, that is. Unfortch, the National Enquirer says the weapon of choice just may be another reality series.

“She believes a reality show is a no-brainer," the ever-present source familiar with the matter says, using an ironic expression in describing Miss Brit. "She can be herself and not have to study lines. ... Several production companies are interested in a Britney reality show and are willing to pay her millions.”

Mama Lynne Spears and reunited manager Larry Rudolph apparently like the idea, since Larry has allegedly been pitching the idea to several networks. Pops Jamie isn't so sure about the whole chronicle-your-mental-breakdown-on-TV thing, though, which we can't argue with. Besides, they should have done all this about a year ago, when Britney was just cresting the drop on the crazy-coaster.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears gives $25,000 to 'Idol' charity

It's nice to know Britney Spears cares. The one-time pop princess sat at home like the rest of you on Wednesday and watched Idol Gives Back, Life & Style says. Not only did she watch, she was so moved she forked over $25,000 to help out.

"She did it all on her own. She watched the show and cried for like two hours over the children in Africa with malaria,” a family friend tells the mag. “She didn’t know much about the disease, so she Googled it. She was horrified to realize kids were dying from mosquito bites. So she went online and donated after getting (her dad) Jamie's permission. She used her Amex.”

We'll skip right over the part where we point out there once was a time when she woulda headlined that thing and go straight for the breaking news that yes, mosquitos do, in fact, spread malaria. Hey, the more you know, right? No, seriously, we're glad Jamie let her spend her money on something worthwhile for a change.

[Photo: With the Prince of Weirdness in 2002. Getty Images]

Your daily troubled starlet update

• Troubled starlet Mischa Barton will plead no contest in her DUI case Thursday, People reports, landing three years of probation, a three-month alcohol education class and a fine of $1,700 — but no jail time. A related marijuana charge will also be dropped.

• Troubled starlet Naomi Campbell has been banned from British Airways after being booted off a flight after a scuffle with a cop, British tabloids said Tuesday. The airline hasn’t confirmed it, and Campbell’s spokeswoman told Reuters, “Naomi has been flying with British Airways for nearly 30 years and has been a good customer. She hopes this can be resolved amicably.”

• Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan was sued Monday by her former bodyguard. TMZ says David Kim claims LiLo owes him big bucks for unpaid security detail, including driving her around L.A. He wants $55,000; Lohan’s reps had no comment.

• Troubled starlet Britney Spears might be getting into the furniture business. The New York Post says Spears’ dad, Jamie, is trying to make Brit a spokeswoman job for Danish furniture broker Claus Hjelmbak. Hjelmbak denies this (wouldn’t you?) but the Post says a possible deal has been in the works for two months.

• Troubled starlet Pete Doherty has been jailed for 14 weeks for violating his probation and for using drugs, the BBC says. The porkpie-topped “rocker” apparently missed an appointment with his probation team and was late for another. A spokesman told NME that Doherty might appeal the sentence.

• Troubled starlet Amy Winehouse is not in the news today, which is a shame, because we almost had a Troubled Starlet Yahtzee. But we suspect she’ll pop up on TMZ soon enough, freebasing ground-up hippo tusk or some such nonsense.

Kevin Federline spent $43,000 on clothes, food

While The Juice* has tried to refrain from writing about Britney Spears a whole lot lately (she was recently snapped merrily buying a gift for her preggers sister Jamie Lynn, whose birthday was Friday), we shouldn't forget about the catalyst for the ticket she punched to for the Wacko Train: Kevin Federline.

Documents filed in Los Angeles Superior Court related to their ongoing custody campaign show that the 30-year-old faux-hawk maven dropped a cool $43,000 on Las Vegas hotels, food and shopping between May 2007 and January, Us reports. That's a lot of hair gel.

Included in his bills were $1,445 for clothing at Gianni Versace, $3,863 at TAO nightclub and $3,008 at the Hard Rock Beach Club. And let's not forget the $2,000 tip he gave on a $365 meal bill. Good thing Sean and Jayden are getting only the best in child care, since Brit is dropping $15,000 per month in child support.

It's not all fun and games, though; Federline spent $74,102 in music production costs. Who cares he only brought in $9,849 in music income? That must be why a judge ruled last month Spears had to pay $375,000 in attorney fees -- daddy can't pay dem billz!

[Photo: AP]

Britney Spears' weight-loss secrets revealed!

As much as The Juice* wants Britney Spears to get her life back together, we find it both hilarious and sad that Ok! magazine felt the need to fudge the cover of its latest ish.

Under a headline screaming “Britney lost 15 lbs in just 4 weeks” (adding “no pills, no lipo”), the glossy claims that the one-time pop princess is “back to her old body.” They must have meant that quite literally, because The Huffington Post points out the cover is from 2003!

The pic in question is from Glamour’s Women of the Year issue, and probably had very little to do with dieting. (Head on over to www.WorldofBritney.com, which has the photo so you can see it much larger than this.)

That “miracle food” Ok! is talking about must be the Kool-Aid, if you catch our meaning. And trust us, dear tbt*-inis, if we mess with a photo, we’ll tell you in big letters that we did it.

[Photo: via The Huffington Post]

Jamie Lynn Spears just might be engaged

While her big sister Britney is basking in the warm glow of helping How I Met Your Mother garner its highest ratings ever with her appearance on the show Monday, Jamie Lynn Spears may be working on an old-fashioned shotgun wedding.

People says the knocked-up 16-year-old has been sporting a new rock provided by 18-year-old baby's daddy Casey Aldridge.

"She's got an engagement ring," a source says. "She's been showing it up, talking about it."

Of course, the source doesn't mention the stone in the ring is bright red, the size of a golf ball and tastes like black cherry, but we digress. Really, it's awesome to see another teen pregnancy overshadowed by doomed nuptials.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears will sing at Mel Gibson's church

Thanks to The Juice*, you know useless information like the fact that Britney Spears had dinner with Mel Gibson a week ago. Want to know why? Apparently she's going sing a gospel number at Mel's Holy Family Catholic Church next month.

"They are working on arrangements and will agree on something in time for Britney singing at a Sunday service in late April," a source tells the U.K.'s Mirror. "There is a possibility that she may even have a new song written for her for the occasion."

And while she'll have to tone down the skanky wardrobe for the appearance, there may be more of the Malibu church in Brit's future.

"(Mel) is acting as a kind of mentor to help her rediscover God," the source says. "He is thrilled that she has agreed to come to his church."

Good on Brit for trying to do something a little more grounded, but someone should warn her Mel's church celebrates Mass in Latin.

[Photo: Getty Images]

'South Park' examines Britney Spears mania

Didja catch South Park last night? In an episode after The Juice*'s own black hearts, the gang follows Britney Spears around after she blows out her dome, leading to further scrutiny from her so-called fans and those lampreys called paparazzi. Really, does it sound so improbable?

Oh, and yeah, don't click on this unless you want to see a cartoon Britney Spears shoot herself. (And for some reason, Red Lasso clips aren't showing up in Firefox, so my advice to you is, get a new browser.)

Britney Spears must pay $375,000 in legal fees

If you've been following Britney Spears' legal battles (at least a dozen or so of you have, we know), you can't wait to hear the thrilling conclusion to her latest court shenanigans.

The ever-popular court commissioner Scott Gordon said Spears must pay $375,000 of Kevin Federline's legal bills, People reports. Gordon called the Monday decision "reasonable." Why? Because "the actions of (Spears) caused the great majority of litigation." Ouch. That's especially painful, considering K-Fed recently left a $2,000 tip on a dinner bill of $365.

Back in the TV studio, Britney's March 24 appearance on How I Met Your Mother is almost ready. The plotline (see photo): Josh Radnor's Ted keeps asking his dermatologist (Sarah Chalke) for a date, but when she keeps turning him down, the receptionist (played by Ms. Spears) takes an interest. Pining for a date with a loser any sensible woman would turn down? It's good to see Britney acting out what she knows.

[Photo: CBS]

Britney Spears has dinner with Mel Gibson

It's time for more fantastic Celebrity Dinner Watch!

This go around, it seems one Britney Spears showed up at Romanov Russian Restaurant & Lounge in Studio City to meet with our favorite DUI directing nut job, Mel Gibson, Us says. (See video above of Brit walking in and then -- amazingly! -- back out again later the same day!)

We can only guess why Mel and Brit Brit met up, but Us does point out that Mel's wife Robyn was hatin' all over Bratney last year when the two then-neighbors in Malibu were fretting over wildfires. The New York Observer quoted Robyn as saying "It's so annoying that people are more concerned about if Britney Spears' house was burnt than their own well-being."

While the two may have been discussing public feauds, real estate or even jail time, The Juice* prefers to think Mel is casting her in a new movie about a drug addled pop star who marries a lowlife and ruins her career. It's called Whitney.

Britney Spears' anime video for Break the Ice

Britney Spears caught on to the whole anime thing a couple decades late, but here's the Ghost in the Shell/Jin-Roh/Blood/Fist of the North Star/every cartoon to come out of Japan in the past 30 years-inspired video for Break the Ice. At least the cartoon Brit is in good shape. And what's with the ending?

Break the Ice

Kevin Federline may star in Broadway 'Blonde'

Kevin Federline has mooched off Britney Spears long enough. The one-time backup dancer may be expanding on his One Tree Hill acting experience by making his Broadway debut in Legally Blonde this September.

Us says the 30-year-old Fed Ex may take on three roles in the Tony-nominated musical, including a turn as the UPS dude who inspires the "bend and snap."

A rep for the show says he in't scheduled "as of this time," the mag reports, but hey, since when did facts matter? Shar Jackson has said that he has taken to the gym to lose his "daddy weight," though.

"This is his chance to show the world what he can do," a friend tells Us. You mean besides absolutely ruin a fragile-minded sexpot pop star?

[Photo: K-Fed and Torrey DeVitto on One Tree Hill. CW]

Britney Spears challenges $1.1 mil in legal fees

While you thought Britney Spears’ fortune was safe and sound in the hands of her dad Jamie and attorney Andrew Wallet, TMZ tells us that the poptard’s legal fees are mounting — to the tune of $1.1 million.

Her conservators have filed documents challenging some $500,000 demanded by Keven Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, for work performed from October 2007 to February 2008 (the court has ruled she must pay K-Fed’s “reasonable” attorney fees, but that doesn’t sound reasonable to us).

Also, Brat’s own lawyers, Trope and Trope, are asking her for $600,000, which may or may not be defensible, seeing as how Britney couldn’t be bothered to go to her own hearings the last few months. Either way, this has turned into a pretty expensive custody battle.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears' dad still controls her finances

And since we’re obsessed with the Spears family, do you remember how Britney Spears’ fortune was placed in the hands of her dad Jamie until she could get her life together? Well, a court commissioner has ruled that setup will continue until July 31.

Jamie and attorney Andrew Wallet were put in control of Brit-Brit’s finances back in February, after the singer ended up in the loony bin. Since that conservatorship was to expire March 10, it’s been extended.

The good news is, Britney seems to slowly be righting the ship, even being able to visit with her kids Sean and Jayden, thanks to dad.

“We were able to get it to a point where everyone was comfortable,” Kevin Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan told Us. “We’re just very positive about it. Having her dad stabilizing everything is a good thing.”

And keeping Brit from blowing all her cash on Adderall and fried chicken don’t hurt.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Sam Lutfi vows to return to Britney Spears

We haven’t checked on Britney Spears in almost a week, so what’s new with her? Well, besides reports that she’s blowing her millions with too-frequent trips to Starbucks and Mercedes dealerships, Ok! says svengali Sam Lutfi is still trying to be a part of Brit’s life.

The mag says Lutfi has had friends contact Spears on his behalf to try to win her (and her dwindling fortune) back. “I am going to call Britney to the stand so she can tell the world how I was helping her,” Sam reportedly said. “I am innocent. I am Britney’s friend and would never hurt her.”

Well, except for all those allegations of drugging her and taking control of her life, which resulted in that restraining order to keep 250 yards away from her at all times.

His spokesman, Michael Sands, says Lutfi will contest the order in a March 17 hearing. “Sam is a good guy who does not agree with this restraining order,” he says. His bank account probably doesn’t agree with being left out in the cold, either.

[Photo: 2002. Getty Images]

Britney Spears makes ridiculous demands

And what would a Thursday be without word from our favorite meltdown mistress, Britney Spears? The New York Daily News’ Gatecrasher says the, uh, pop star (?) hit up Melrose Ave. boutique Betsey Johnson with a bizarre request earlier this month.

She came to the counter with a Dolce & Gabbana dress and demanded they copy it in all white by that very evening so she could wear it out. A few things wrong here, to be sure, but “the staff explained that they didn’t have a dressmaker on call who could do it in time,” a witness said.

Amazing that they had to explain to her, but when you’re that rich you’ve likely got people on call in your house to make milkshakes for you at the drop of a hat. At least, it looks like Britney does that.

Anyway, “The only thing she wanted to buy in the store was the yellow wig on a mannequin in the window,” the source said. “The manager eventually agreed to offer it to her for $100.”

We think the manager missed a golden opportunity to either A) explain to Miss Brit she can’t have everything she wants, or B) charge her $1 million for a wig.

[Photo: Wow, this was like five years ago. Imagine how things would have turned out if Madge kissed Xtina first. Getty Images]

Britney Spears pregnant with Adnan's baby?

Did we mention Star has their own cover storky — uh, story — about a big name possibly being pregnant?

The rag says that only weeks after heading to Mexico to exchange worthless wedding vows with photographer Adnan Ghalib, the spotlight hog with the Brazilian chin wax has been telling folks Britney Spears is pregnant with his baby. That crashing sound is the world falling down around your ears.

The evidence, as they call it, is Britney’s ever-growing midsection bulge, despite days of classes at the Millenium Dance Complex in La-La Land.

“Britney is Adnan’s dream come true. He knows that if he has a child with Brit, he’ll be made for life,” a friend adept at stating the obvious says.

But while the 35-year-old shutterbug is glad he’s opened an account at the First national bank of Britney, her fam is obviously nonplussed. “Her parents know she can’t handle more children,” another master of the apparent says.

You know, “is-she-or-isn’t-she?” stories like this are a dime a dozen, but for the sake of all that is good and just, we hope Star is dead wrong.

So is the LAPD chasing Sam Lutfi or what?

The problem with gossip news is that it’s so gossipy, you can never tell if it’s true or not. Take the alleged investigation of Britney Spears svengali Sam Lutfi.

TMZ has been reporting the the LAPD Robbery Homicide division is looking into whether Lutfi had been drugging Brit-Brit prior to her stay at the UCLA Medical Center. The site said several sources had been question and the investigation would be concluded in late March.

But if you go on over to RadarOnline and X17, they’re saying LAPD sources are straight-up denying there’s any such investigation. They say LAPD spokesman Richard French confirmed the police aren’t looking into anything involving Lutfi. French also said if an LAPD employee was dishing to TMZ, that person could loser their job, but what does it matter if there’s no investigation?

That said, it should come as no surprise that the LAPD isn’t bothering to keep tabs on Sam, since he only had a restraining order filed against him to make him stay 250 yards away from the Brat. Who would be concerned about that?

[Photo: Getty Images]

Court will let Britney Spears farce continue

Incremental changes in court cases are not fun, especially when they involve Britney Spears, but you’ll be glad to know that Court Commissioner Scott Gordon has denied her lawyer’s request for a gag order, so we’ll be stuck listening to this mess for weeks to come.

Brit’s new attorney, Anne Kiley, asked Gordon to keep the lawyers involved from blabbing because it was “emotionally and physically” dangerous for Spears, the AP reports. No argument here, but we didn’t go to law school. Kiley wanted to keep her client’s business out of the headlines, but likely fearing that would mean he’d have nothing to talk about at dinner parties, Gordon said the public has a right to know court orders.

For the record, Kevin Federline’s attorney, Mark Vincent Kaplan, argued against the gag order. Notice Kaplan’s always the one in photos and on TV. TMZ adds that the lawyers involved could not come to an agreement on several issues, so Britney still won’t be able to visit her children Sean and Jayden. We’ll tell you more in another incremental update soon.

[Photo: Kaplan preening for the cameras Tuesday. Getty Images]

Heidi Klum offers to take care of Britney Spears

Model Heidi Klum is so torn up over Britney Spears' mounting troubles that she's offered to open her home to the troubled popster if she really needs it.

"She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months," Klum said in an interview being aired tonight by German broadcaster ARD. "I would help set her straight." After those Jordache ads with the riding crop, we believe it.

"I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track," Klum said, according to the transcript. "She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life."

Brit's life has gotten considerably less wild since her stay at UCLA Medical Center ended. Since her father Jamie Spears and attorney Andrew Wallet have been granted conservatorship over her books and well-being, we've had little to write about.

Of course, TMZ says attorney John Eardley filed papers in L.A. County Court last week saying Brit called him to get the conservatorship removed, but we'll have to wait to see what happens with that. Meanwhile, Brit was seen out at the L.A. clubs this weekend -- with Jamie and security team in tow!

Maybe Heidi won't have a houseguest any time soon, but it's the thought that counts.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears and Adnan Ghalib married???

We’re not ones to trade in speculation and rumor, but the New York Daily News blows the cover on Star magazine’s latest ish that says bonkers Britney Spears is actually married to boy toy Adnan Ghalib.

It seems that when pair headed off to Mexico last month (during The Juice’s self-imposed Britney blackout), they “secretly wed,” Star says. “Our source on this was not in Rosarito Beach at the ceremony, but is very familiar with the fact that (wedding) documents exist,” the magazine’s editor, Candace Trunzo, told the Daily News.

The big problem is, Ghalib is already married to AzLynn Berry, making any such marriage legally invalid. Star says Spears gave Adnan a cool $250,000 to “grease Azlynn’s exit,” the Daily News says.

Apparently Brit got around an attorney-imposed $1,000-a-day spending limit by saying she needed the cash for a new Mercedes. This one sounds awfully fishy, but we’ll wait to see how it shakes out before calling shenanigans.

Britney Spears gives children dancing lessons

And actually, we do know where Britney Spears was — on Monday, at least. People says the Brat gave an hour-long dance lesson to six kids at the Millenium Dance Complex in L.A., choreographing routines to Madonna’s True Blue, Material Girl and Holiday (which the magazine called “vintage” songs, making us feel very old).

“The class was amazing,” complex director Robert Baker said. “She even played age-appropriate games in a circle, pretending to be a choo-choo train. Britney was just amazing with the kids and everyone ended up having a blast. At the end of the hour class, all the kids hugged Britney and she seemed very happy.”

Britney has been working at the studio for a few days on a routine for her Hot as Ice video, and was so thrilled with the experience she’s asked to teach future classes.

“She seems very focused about getting back into her old life,” Baker said. “(She’s) focusing her energy on creating and dancing.” And proving to the courts she can handle children, maybe?

[Photo: Getty Images]

Do you even care about Britney Spears now?

Welcome back to the insanity (literally) of Britney Spears’ world. The latest today is a rundown of what happened Wednesday after she was let out of the funny farm.

Ok! provides a timeline of the wild ride, saying while Brit initially was tooling around L.A. in her new black Mercedes, she became angry at her bodyguard, who is the same former Israeli military officer who works for Lindsay Lohan.

By 3 p.m., she kicks the guy out on the side of the road in Brentwood and asks a photographer from X17 (Adnan Ghalib’s photo agency) to drive for her. They arrive at the Beverly Hills hotel —where they run into Maria Shriver, of all people — and head upstairs.

A little after 4:30, Adnan arrives a whisks Britney away to attorney Adam Streisand’s office by 5:20. By 7 p.m., Britney is hiding under a blanket in the back of a paparazzo’s car (who is she, Nancy Drew?) and head back to the hotel.

At 9 p.m., papa Jamie shows up and heads to her room, with what appear to be legal documents. By midnight, she and Adnan are apparently taken home by the mystery X17 photog.

Meanwhile, Jamie and mama Lynne were “extremely disappointed to learn their daughter was on the loose (count us in on that). “We are deeply concerned about our daughter’s safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk,” a statement from the pair read. “We ask only that the court’s orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.”

And there you have it, folks — just pretend the last week or so never even happened, because that’s what Britney obviously thinks.

[Photo: AP]

Britney Spears released from the loony bin

Britney Spears has been discharged from UCLA Medical Center's psychiatric ward, the Los Angeles Times reports. She apparently slipped out and drove herself away from the hospital in her brand-new black Mercedes.

TMZ quotes a law enforcement source as saying she was allowed to leave "because she was no longer required to stay there after 11:30 a.m." Doctors decided she was no longer a danger to herself or others -- at least, not to the point where they could hold her at the hospital.

Private security escorted her out of the hospital after almost a week of treatment. No tax dollars were wasted with dozens of cops this time, unlike the ridiculous motorcade on Jan. 31.

"There was no media, no paparazzi, and no need for public safety protection," Capt. Sharyn Buck of the North Hollywood PD said. She apparently went home from the hospital, but took again to the streets of L.A.

Those paparazzi showed up eventually, though, as someone else took over driving duties by the time at least 20 SUVs full of photographers followed her to the Beverly Hills Hotel. The local Fox affiliate showed video shot from its helicopter of the paparazzi vehicles converging from four lanes to one and causing traffic to snarl. She pulled into the hotel's entrance, where police were summoned to break up the nonsense, but she left shortly afterward, the AP says.

TMZ had video showing a photographer asking Britney if she wanted Adnan Ghalib's new phone number, to which she responded Adnan could "shove it up his a--."

Which is all the more confusing because later in the day she and Ghalib paid a visit to attorney Adam Streisand's office, which means she apparently did talk to Streisand at some point during her time at UCLA. Court Commissioner Reva Goetz had questioned at this week's hearing whether Spears was of sound enough mind to hire Streisand.

Spears is still under the court-ordered conservatorship of her father Jamie and attorney Andrew Wallet until at least Feb. 14, a move Streisand had tried to counter. She also is benefitting from a restraining order against manager Sam Lutfi, whom Brit's mother Lynne alleges kept the singer hostage in her own home, drugging and mentally abusing her.

And frankly, that's all us East Coasters can keep up with for now. Stay tuned for another exciting chapter in our ongoing series, Britney Spears: Date With Destiny!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Sam Lutfi was running Britney Spears' life

The Juice* referred yesterday to a request for a restraining order filed by Britney Spears' mother Lynne against Sam Lutfi (which was granted), but a closer look shows just how sordid the tale has gotten.

The AP says the six-page request centers on the night of Jan. 28, just days before Brit was taken to UCLA Medical Center, where she is currently undergoing mental evaluation. The document says Lutfi basically held her hostage in her own home and was putting on quite the dog-and-pony show for the paparazzi.

Lynne said Lutfi "drugged Britney, he has cut Britney's home phone lines and removed her cell phone chargers. He yells at her. He claims to control everything -- Britney's business manager, her attorneys and the security guards at the gate."

On the night of Jan. 28, Lynne and Brit's father Jamie went to Britney's house because they'd heard their daughter was crying after a fight with Lutfi. When they got to the house, Lutfi told Lynne that Britney didn't want to see them and was scared of her father.

There were also a lot of photogs milling around, Lynne says, treating Sam "like a general." She also says that during the evening, "Sam had told Britney she was an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore, that she cares more about Adnan (Ghalib), her current boyfriend, than she cares about her kids and that she does not deserve her kids."

"You'd better learn that I control everything," Lutfi allegedly told her. Lynne said "he told me if he weren't in the house to give Britney her medicine, she would kill herself. ... Then he said to me, 'If you try to get rid of me, she'll be dead and I'll piss on her grave.' "

As scary as that part is, the most tragic allegation is that Britney kept wandering around the house in a stupor, asking about sons Sean and Jayden.

"What do I have to do to see them?" Lynne quoted her as saying. "Sam responded, 'Take the pills I tell you to take.' Britney said, 'I don't like the pills and I don't like the psychiatrist. Can't I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?'  Sam responded, 'If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies.' "

That's much scarier than Rolling Stone's assertion this week that Brit got breast implants when she was a teenager and had them removed as she developed naturally, a claim she's denied for years. Jeez, it's not like she lied about being a virgin or anything.

[Photos: Getty Images, AP]

Britney Spears' dad now controls finances

Britney Spears’ father Jamie was given control over the one-time pop star’s finances until Valentine’s Day, the AP reports, while professional Sam Lutfi was shown the door.

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz says Jamie and attorney Andrew Wallet have conservatorship until Feb. 14, while a court-appointed physician will evaluate Brit to see if she is competent to make her own decisions. Obviously she hasn’t been, being all chummy with Lutfi, her sometimes manager.

Brit was ordered to have no contact with him by phone, texting or other means — which must include smoke signals, telepathy and astral projection. Goetz extended the restraining order that was issued last week, although the court said that original order hadn’t yet been enforced, since Lutfi has been seen bringing Britney food at UCLA Medical Center.

People says the request for a restraining order shows Lynne Spears accused Lutfi of drugging her daughter and verbally abusing her. This includes allegedly grinding up pills into her food and calling Britney "an unfit mother, a piece of trash and a whore."

Lynne said the drugs included "Risperdol and Seroquel," but People points out there's no drug called Risperdol. There's Risperol, a sleeping pill, and Risperdal, an anti-psychotic, but Seroquel is used to treat bipolar disorder.

"I'm the one who spends 24/7 with your daughter," Lynne claims Lutfi told her. "I sleep in cars outside her house so she can't leave." 

He sure sounds like a great friend, don't he? It's a good thing he's not allowed within 250 yards of her for the time being.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears' court battle rages without her

Britney Spears’ mental health was at the center of a complex court battle Monday, with her court-appointed attorney saying she’s so far gone she has no clue what the legal battle means, the AP reports.

Adam Streisand (Barbra’s second cousin, no less) says Brit doesn’t want her father Jamie to be in charge of her welfare, since he and attorney Andrew Wallet were granted temporary conservatorship over her personal and financial well-being last week.

“She has expressed to me very strongly that her father not be the conservator,” Streisand said. “There has been an estrangement for quite some time. With him as conservator, that is causing her more agitation and more distress.”

But Samuel Ingham, who was appointed to Brit by the court, said that after interviewing Spears on Sunday it was clear  “she lacks the capacity to retain counsel” — meaning Streisand’s very role in the proceedings is suspect.

Jamie’s lawyer, Vivian Thoreen, swears papa is on the up and up: “He’s not here to take over her assets. He’s here to get her medical help. He’s here to take over while she’s healing.”

And that fact that she’s rich (she and her 15 companies are worth $40 million) doesn’t hurt, we’re sure. Of course, she’s also being audited by the IRS, so that’s something to worry about.

Court Commissioner Reva Goetz didn’t rule on whether Streisand can continue to represent Brit — he says she gave authorization over the phone — so we’ll have to see what is decided on that in a future hearing. A custody hearing earlier was continued because of the circumstances.

Streisand also said Britney wanted him to nominate Northern Trust Bank as her conservator, but we’d like to see what ties he has to that bank first.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears could really end up committed

SUNDAY UPDATE: Don't expect to hear much about Britney Spears the next couple of weeks — the AP reports her stay at the UCLA Medical Center has been extended for another 14 days. An unnamed source said doctors determined her condition was so bad she should stick around.

TMZ says Spears has been classified as “gravely disabled,” meaning she is unable to fulfill basic needs, such as getting her own food, clothing and shelter. TMZ also warns that being classified “G.D.” is a criterion for involuntary commitment. Sources tell the site Spears is now in a “manic state” resulting from a bipolar disorder.

She’s in good hands, though: her new psychiatrist, Dr. Deborah Nadel, a University of California Medical School grad, did her residency at UCLA, the site reports. It’s about time Britney listened to someone who knew what they were talking about (we're looking at you, Dr. Phil McGraw).

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney Spears taken away to mental hospital

Updated 5:36 p.m.: Citizens of Los Angeles are no doubt happy to hear a police motorcade that included nearly a dozen motorcycles, two cruisers and a pair of ghetto birds escorted young Britney Spears to UCLA Medical Center to "get help" early Thursday, the L.A. Times reports.

Yes, once again those of us in the Eastern time zone fall victim to the whims of La-La Land's denizens, as Spears was taken from her home around 12:55 a.m. Cali time, meaning we were at home having nightmares about Amendment 1 about then.

The North Hollywood P.D. sent about eight cops (who referred to her as "the package") --- including plainclothes officers, motorcycle cops, ambulance crews and police "brass," a source told the paper -- to her Studio City home, apparently to prevent a media spectacle by causing one. She was taken away for a 5150 "mental evaluation hold," her second since the infamous Jan. 3 incident that also involved more than a few constables.

The 5150 puts her in the hospital for up to 72 hours because she presents a danger to herself and others. The stay can be extended up to 14 days. Spears' lawyers, Anne Kiley and Tara Scott, had gotten Britney a new psychiatrist last week, TMZ says. 

The scene inside the house is speculation at this point, but People quotes a source in the family as saying the judge-signed order was brought about because of Spears' erratic behavior that night.

"She was driving around her neighborhood like a mad-woman," the source says. "Britney has been prescribed medication which she refuses to take. This is just another sad, sad evening."

Apparently there's been some fighting between parents Jamie and Lynne Spears and Sam Lutfi over who is in control of Brit's medical treatment. TMZ reports there was an argument at the house among Lutfi, Lynne and Brit over getting the singer psychiatric help.

Britney, who reportedly hadn't slept since Saturday, allegedy told everyone to "shut up" and said, "I'll do what I need to do." She then passed notes to Lutfi, Adnan Ghalib and others until paramedics arrived.

The site also says she wasn't hysterical in the least; When her new psychiatrist told her she was going to the hospital, she simply said, "Is something wrong?" She allegedly made hot chocolate and waited quietly.

Things apparently weren't too quiet once she got to the hospital, thought. TMZ says after Britney checked in under an alias, it was noted that she was on Adderall, a drug to treat ADHD, and has been taking 10 laxatives a day, presumably to lose weight. Ew. She also was apparently screaming and swearing at her parents and staff, and accused her mother of "sleeping with my boyfriend," although who that is, is anyone's guess.

Coincidentally, TMZ says Justin Chambers, who plays Alex Karev on Grey's Anatomy, checked himself into the very same facility Monday because of exhaustion and a sleeping disorder. His rep says he went in voluntarily and left Wednesday.

Mama Lynne was seen leaving the hospital after 5:30 a.m. (photo above), a few hours after she responded to paparazzi questions about whether Britney was okay with a simple, "Yeah."

And with that, we break our Britney ban, dear readers. Glib as we may be, we hope the story has a happy ending.

A longer version of the insane waste of police resources is below:

The Juice* declares week w/o Britney Spears

This Britney Spears business has gotten out of hand. Various gossip sources across the Internet have declared that she is A) not pregnant, B) suffering from multiple personality disorder, C) is the subject of a Web site called www.whenisbritneygoingtodie.com (the winner gets a new PlayStation 3, apparently; there’s a similar site for Amy Winehouse) and D) has transcended overexposure and moved into the realm of universal annoyance.

In that vein, The Juice* is declaring a BRITNEY-FREE ZONE for the next week. Unless she ends up in the hospital or the morgue — unless she’s just visiting Lindsay Lohan — The Juice* is giving you a break. No minutiae on her mental illness, no updates on her traffic violations, no details on her infatuation with deep-frying oatmeal and candy bars ... just a nice, quiet respite from her insanity.

Then again, if the cops end up at her house again, we might renege. She is our Juice*y Person of the Year, after all!

[Photo: Getty Images]