Scarlett Johansson engaged to Ryan Reynolds!

In what is truly a devastating day for mankind — though we’re guessing womankind probably couldn’t care less — Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have announced they’re engaged. “They’re both thrilled,” ScarJo’s rep tells People. The couple has dated for a year and Reynolds recently popped the question. The Canadian actor was famously engaged to Alanis Morrissette, and is probably hoping this engagement goes a little better. The real question is, how will America’s young males react to the news? First Jessica Alba gets pregnant, now ScarJo is off the market? Where have you gone, Jessica Biel? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

(Photos: ScarJo, Getty Images; RyRen, AP)

Scarlett Johansson is old, Emma Watson isn't

In other casting news, 23-year-old Scarlett Johansson has been deemed too old by the crew for Napoleon and Betsy, a period romance about a young noblewoman who falls in love with the diminuitive dictator. (Strangely, Johansson is still a producer for the flick, which sounds like she fired herself.)

Swooping in to replace her, Reuters reports, is 18-year-old Emma Watson, who is most famous for playing Hermione in the Harry Potter series. She’ll have to balance her 2009 commitment to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with her slated fall shoot as Betsy. And she;ll have to watch out for ScarJo in dark alleys.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Mary-Louise Parker breaks off engagement, nothing really happens to Scarlett Johansson

Suburbanite drug dealer Mary-Louise Parker has given das boot to fiance Jeffrey Dean Morgan, the AP reports. A friend of the couple says the 43-year-old Weeds star and the 41-year-old actor (who plays her dead husband on the show) had differing lifestyles, but she wants to remain friends. Maybe he can hug it out with Parker ex-husband Billy Crudup (who left her when she was seven months pregnant) on the set of Watchmen.

Meanwhile, The Scoop is yammering about Australian reports that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are teetering on the edge of Breakup Bluff. It apparently has something to do with hitting a "rough patch" because ScarJo "has no desire for a husband or family just yet." Also, reports she's moved into his L.A. home aren't true, either, which is supposed to be good news for anyone holding out hope that Scarlett will hit on them at the local Checkers walk-up window, we guess.

[Photos: Mary-Louise sure looks thrilled to be seen with Jeff's mom Sandy in December. As for ScarJo -- we just like her. Getty Images]

A date with Scarlett Johansson is worth $40k

Remember how Scarlett Johansson was auctioning off a meet and greet for charity? Well, unless you're a rich man from the United Kingdom who bid $40,100, you're out of luck.

The Daily Mail says the unnamed winner will join ScarJo at the L.A. premiere of He's Just Not That Into You in July. He gets a limo, a handwritten note and can bring a friend, but if he's serious about his sale, he'll keep all that face time to himself.

Proceeds from the auction are going to Oxfam, which “delivers development programs and emergency relief services, and campaigns for change in global practices and policies that keep people in poverty,” according to the auction.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Tom Cruise set sights on Scarlett Johansson

The news that Tom Cruise held auditions for a wife after he split from Penelope Cruz in 2004 are nothing new (The Juice* included rumors to that effect just a few short months ago, in fact), but now News of the World has a trump card.

Marc Headley, who apparently once produced promo films for the Church of Scientology, confirms that there really was a church-led casting call to be Tom’s leading lady, if you can dig that.

A casting call went out that said, “There’s an upcoming Tom Cruise movie you might get a part in. Come for an audition,” News of the World reports. The requirements: single, attractive and twentysomething.

She-scientologists Erika Christensen and Sofia Milos were apparently rejected because Cruise wanted a bigger name.

“They went for Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba, in that order,” Headley says. “Jennifer and Jessica didn’t bite but Scarlett took the bait and came in for an audition. When she arrived and found out it was the Scientology Center in Hollywood, she freaked out and didn’t do a tape.” Besides, we all know ScarJo really fell for Woody Allen.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Scarlett Johansson sells herself on eBay

All you desperate and lonely guys out there better empty your piggy banks, because Scarlett Johansson is available for one night only.

The actress is auctioning herself on eBay to raise money for Oxfam, which “delivers development programs and emergency relief services, and campaigns for change in global practices and policies that keep people in poverty,” according to the auction. (Place your bids here.) But dudes! A date with ScarJo!

The winner will get a chauffered car and a hand-written note from Scarlett, which sounds disappointing but is a lot better than Kristin Davis’ offer of two tix to the Sex and the City June premiere in New York and a pair of Jimmy Choos (Mrs. Juice* may disagree). And actually, it's more of a meet-and-greet than a date, and you'll have to sit through the red-carpet premiere of He's Just Not That Into You, but beggars can't be choosers.

The bidding opened Monday morning, and by noon had pulled together a measly $200. But since bidding is open until March 12, we figure it just may pull in a little more. It has to do better than the $8,000 Colin Firth won with two tickets to the London premiere of Mamma Mia this July.

[Photo: Natalie Portman already had her date. Getty Images]

Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman speak up

While Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson are starring as sisters in the upcoming The Other Boleyn Girl, they give devout fans plenty to chew on in the latest issue of W.

ScarJo fights back about the drubbing she’s taken for saying human beings are not monogamous by nature, saying “I didn’t mean that I don’t practice monogamy in my own life — of course I do! I’m not going to be in some tarty relationship. But I stick by what I said.”

Nat has her back, adding, “I’m into monogamy. But I’m not really into marriage right now.”

The pair discuss their images, as well, with Portman telling Johansson, “I get branded a lot as a good girl. I’m, like, the prude, and you’re more sexy, more like...” “A harlot!” Johansson replies.

One thing they aren’t unanimous about is who should be the Democratic candidate for president: ScarJo is an Barack Obama girl, while Natalie says Hillary Clinton is “by far the sharpest.” Good thing their characters agree King Henry VIII is worth pursuing in their new movie.

Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz are lesbians

Not long after Penelope Cruz’s creepy makeout scene with her own sister Monica in a music video for her brother (!) Eduardo, PageSix.com says she’s making out with Scarlett Johansson. In Woody Allen’s new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, anyway.

“It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked,” a source tells the site. “Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping.”

To top it off, the women apparently have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Cruz’s husband. Somehow we have a hard time believing a Woody Allen movie will leave people gasping. Well, maybe in an incredulous way.

[Photos: Getty Images]

Scarlett Johansson, Ryan Reynolds engaged?

First Jessica Alba is off the market (and pregnant) and now Scarlett Johansson? That’s what the New York Daily News says, even though ScarJo’s rep denys it.

A source tells the tabloid that Johansson and boyfriend Ryan Reynolds are making plans to announce an engagement very soon. Boy, he sure moves fast — Reynolds just ended his engagement to Alanis Morissette in February, and was with Scarlett by April. But then, Ryan seems like a much nicer guy than her last beau, Josh Hartnett. But maybe we’re just jealous.

Next up on the heartbreaker list is Jessica Biel, whom we expect to hear has been secretly married for the last four months.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Scarlett Johansson might play Courtney Love

There’s been talk about a Kurt Cobain-Courtney Love biopic for some time now, but the U.K.’s Mirror stretches the definition of the word “credibility” by reporting Scarlett Johansson has been tapped to play the reformed pill-popping booze hound in said film.

The paper says Love is an executive producer for the $60 million Heavier Than Heaven, which details all that was in the Nirvana-Hole union, and she apparently has her eye on ScarJo to play her in the flick. Hey, that’s why it’s a movie, folks. 

“Kirsten Dunst was rumored to be in the frame, but Courtney really admires Scarlett and has already sent the contract out for her to sign. Courtney even copied Scarlett’s sleek blonde movie look when she was in London for the Fashion Rocks party last year,” a source told the Mirror. “This is a labour of love for Courtney and she is putting her heart and soul into making it an accurate, credible glimpse of her life with Kurt.”

Oh, and by the way, she’s asking Ryan Gosling to play Kurt, which is like asking Mr. Rogers to play the Terminator — it’s not an obvious choice, but there’s a certain creepiness that makes it plausible.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Depp's pen is mightier than Ferrell's

If you see Johnny Depp in a restaurant enjoying a quiet meal with his family, don’t hesitate to run right up to him and shove a pen and a stack of glossy 8-by-10’s in his face. That’s because Depp is the best autograph signer in Hollywood, according to Autograph magazine. The mag lists the 10 best signers and 10 worst signers, so grab a Sharpie and mark these down. The best, in order: Depp, George Clooney, Jack Nicholson, Rosario Dawson, John Travolta, Katherine Heigl, Jay Leno, Dakota Fanning and Russell Crowe. The worst, in order: Will Ferrell, Tobey Maguire, Joaquin Phoenix, William Shatner, Renee Zellweger, John Malkovich, Julie Andrews, Bruce Willis, Teri Hatcher and Scarlett Johansson. (For what it’s worth, The Juice* will sign your computer screen for $100, and not a penny less.)

(Photos: AP. Autographs: Not real, obvs.)

'Lost in Translation's secret revealed

There are no spoilers here, so read with impunity. Apparently a bunch of audiophiles have posted to YouTube an analysis of what, exactly, Bill Murray whispered to Scarlett Johansson's ear during the final scenes of Lost in Translation. For years, only Murray, Johansson and Sofia Coppola knew what was said, and no one planned to tell. A reader on USA Today's Pop Candy blog said Murray's words "(made) sense and were very nice." But personally, we'd rather not know. Lost in Translation was such a beautiful flick that we're just gonna stick our heads in the sand and pretend this never happened, just as Coppola and the cast intended. But for those of you who are just dying to know, click here.

(Photo: AP)

Scarlett Johansson threatens to sue 'Us'

Scarlett Johansson is hopping mad at Us, which this week used her as the cover girl for a story about Hollywood beauties going under the knife, implying she has had work done on her face.

Quoting ScarJo, the mag also dredges up this comment from the past: “I definitely believe in plastic surgery,” she said last year. “I don’t want to be an old hag. There’s no fun in that.”

The actress has shot back at the glossy by telling competing glossy Ok! she may just sue Us. “I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead,” she said. “Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against Us Weekly.”

Her rep adds that Us “cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an “expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what ‘might’ have been done. It wasn’t.”

And besides, she looks like she’s 15 in the first pic. We’re not scientists, but we think it’s plausible a 23-year-old’s face just may change shape slightly over the years.

[Photos: Getty Images, Us]

Chew on this, Scarlett Johansson fans

Ryan Reynolds — who was engaged to singer Alanis Morissette until last February — got quite the gift from new fling Scarlett Johansson: one of her teeth.

E! Online says at his birthday party on Tuesday (an early fete hosted by ScarJo), the actress presented him with one of her choppers. “She’d just had her wisdom teeth removed, so she had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him,” a source tells the site. Scarlett has quite the biting sense of humor, don’t you think?

[Photo: Getty Images]

ScarJo ain't marrying nobody just yet

Scarlett Johansson may have moved on to Ryan Reynolds, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready for the settling down with the children and the minivan and all that type of thing, Trend News Agency reports.

“Ryan has been dropping hints about wedding plans but Scarlett put him in his place quickly,” a source says. She feels too young to tie the knot.”

Reynolds and ScarJo hooked up back in April, when the actor was rebounding from his ill-fated engagement to Alanis Morissette.

But Johansson is willing to give him a try. “She really likes him and doesn’t want the relationship to fall apart,” another source declares. We’ve got our Relationship Death Clocks counting down now.

[Photo: Getty Images]