Frankie Muniz wants to be a race-car driver

Malcolm is still in the middle ... of a major life decision. Ok! says Frankie Muniz, who's now 22 and no longer a jug-eared honor student, is packing it all in and moving to Arizona to become a full-time race-car driver. Hmm, out-of-work actor to also-ran racer -- tough move there, Frankie.

But it's apparently all true. The mag says Muniz has put his West Hollywood house on the market for $3.7 million.

"He's moving to Scottsdale," a source tells Ok!. "He's decided to focus his energy on racing and feels that he doesn't need a home in Hollywood anymore."

We're more likely to think he doesn't need a home in Hollywood because he hasn't done any real acting since his Fox sitcom went off the air in 2006. Seriously, we're not holding our breath for The Legend of Secret Pass.

[Photo: AP]

Source

Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt want own show

Somewhere along the way, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt got the fool idea that people actually care about them (well, to be fair, we are writing about them, so we must think that, too). Either way, the New York Post's Page Six says the pervasive pair are trying to talk MTV into letting them ditch The Hills and get their own show.

Pratt and Montag were overheard at the Kobe Club in New York last week pitching the idea to MTV programming head Tony Di Santo.

"Spencer was saying, 'I want the world to see the real Heidi and Spencer,' and was emphasizing that the show would be just about them. No Lauren Conrad," a source told the tabloid. The focus? The couple's upcoming wedding, natch.

Pratt was "suggesting the show go through the whole lead-up to the wedding . . . finding a wedding planner, hunting for a dress designer, and all the drama that would be part of their wedding plans," the source said.  "The show would be a mix of The Hills meets Newlyweds."

Yikes. We saw how well that plan worked for Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. It's a good thing Heidi has successful music and fashion careers to fall back on. Except the critics are hating both. Maybe that's why a new TV show is so important.

[Photo: A peek at Heidi's new clothing line, Heidiwood, which New York magazine savaged. Getty Images]

Miranda Kerr sells her underwear in New York

It's been a mighty slow news day here at The Juice*. How slow was it? We're featuring a photo of Victoria's Secret model Miranda Kerr showing off the Dream Angels Demi Bra, which was apparently a big deal at the Herald's Square store in New York on Thursday. Sure, why not? Our readership surveys tell us women and undergarments are sure sellers ...

[Photo: AP]

Barron Hilton pleads no contest in DUI charge

It’s time for a Juice* followup report: CelebTV.com is reporting that Barron Hilton, the 18-year-old troublemaker brother of one overcelebrated heirhead we never write about, pleaded no contest Wednesday to his February DUI charge.

His attorney, Rich Hutton, entered the plea in a Malibu courthouse, a few days ahead of the scheduled April 14 court date. Might the rich folk be trying to avoid media spectacle once again?

Even if they are, the site is reporting that Barron must visit an L.A. County morgue to see what drinking and driving does, and will be lectured by Mothers Against Drunk Driving. Good thing, because apparently Kathy and Richard aren’t doing it. He wonder if he gave that fake ID to his brother Conrad so he, too, can get arrested for being a scofflaw.

[Photo: AP]

'Chocolate Rain' wins some pointless award

Tay Zonday took home another, ahem, honor by claiming best music short in the second annual YouTube Video Awards.

"It's the new Emmys," Zonday, 25, told the AP. "It's the next Oscars. The next People's Choice Awards. It'll be interesting to see what happens five years, 10 years (from now)."

We don't know about all that. Seriously, we thought those awards had been given out already, but it turns out we were just remembering when YouTube released its numbers for 2007's most-watched videos. That would explain why Obama Girl Amber Lee Ettinger lost out to avaaz.org's Stop the Clash of Civilizations video in the politics category.

But those were only two of the 12 winners, picked from six nominees in each of a dozen categories. The most shocking (or is it?) is Chris Crocker's snub for his "Leave Britney alone" ramblings. He lost out Michael Buckley's What the Buck? episode ripping on Lonelygirl15, which makes a lot of sense when you pause to consder all Crocker did was smear on guyliner and cry a lot.

The other winners (really, it's surprising how many of these have been on the blog):

• Best short film: Ben Shelton's My Name is Lisa

• Most inspirational video: The Texas Country Reporter's blind painter

• Best sports video: Balloon Bowl

• Most adorable video: The Laughing Baby

• Best instructional video: Dan Brown's How to Solve a Rubik's Cube (Part One)

• Best Web series: The Guild

• Best eyewitness video: Battle at Kruger (which beat out "Don't Tase me, bro," btw)

• Best comedy video: Neil Cicierega's Harry Potter with hand puppets

• Most creative video: Guillaume Reymond's Human Tetris

Shia LaBeouf doesn't care who he offends!

Shia LaBeouf is the latest Hollywood hotbox caught in a maelstrom of legal entanglement. A $1,000 bench warrant was issued for the 21-year-old actor after he and his lawyers failed to appear in court Tuesday on serious charges. Well, sorta serious. He was caught smoking last month and was cited, although the warrant didn’t say where or when the infraction occurred.

But hey, it’s California — if you yell at the begonias you’re growing in your window box you’re likely to get busted for noise pollution, causing mental anguish and abuse of another living creature. We fail to see how this is important, if for no other reason than to show LaBeouf is so squeaky clean, we have to dig up dirt about a smoking infraction to write about him.

UPDATE: Well, his attorney showed up and entered a plea of not guilty to a charge of unlawful smoking, TMZ says. He's not going to take this lying down!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Madonna won't sing at Hall of Fame ceremony

Expecting to see Madonna perform at her own induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Show on Monday? Too bad. Fox News reports that the Material Mogul is only going to attend the ceremony, not strut her stuff. Hey, she is on her fifth decade, after all.

Justin Timberlake will be introducing her induction, while a medley of her songs will be played by (are you ready for this?) Iggy Pop. Yes, the same gaunt punker who has not been allowed into the hall himself.

That’s not the only incongruous element to the ceremony. John Mellencamp will be paired with Billy Joel, Patti LaBelle performs for Kenny Gamble and Leon Huff, Lou Reed will induct Leonard Cohen and the Ventures will work with John Fogerty.

No wonder VH1 has pushed the live show to VH1 Classics (the taped show will be on VH1 on March 22).

[Photo: AP]

Jessica Simpson busy packing for Kuwait

Have you been wondering what Jessica Simpson is up to? Neither have we, but so far it’s been a pretty slow day, so we’ll give you the latest on the blonde bomb.

A message on the site SweetKisses.net has a personal message from Jess reading: “Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I am hard at work on my country record, and I can’t wait to share it with all of you.” Great. Still working. Glad to see that.

But you know what else? “I am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio.” Who says the U.S. doesn’t have any worthwhile exports? Actually, The Juice* thinks it’s a secret government plan to send her across the border to Iraq to force the insurgency to surrender.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen peddle 'Influence'

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are releasing a book, and it’s not a cookbook, obvs. The 21-year-olds are publishing a coffee table book called Influence, People reports. That would be, a book featuring people who have influenced the Olsen twins.

Like Twiggy and Calista Flockhart? No, only “the most interesting, challenging, creative people we know — the ones who helped pave the way for us and our generation,” they say, like shoe guru Christian Louboutin, actress Lauren Hutton, photographer Terry Richardson and writer Bob Colacello.

“Ashley and I interviewed the people who have inspired us, with the hope that they will inspire and teach others,” Mary-Kate said. Maybe the book, due in the fall, will inspire and teach others to forgo eating and get $40 million for looking like diseased wood nymphs.

[Photo: Ashley and Mary-Kate with Jimmy Buffett for some reason. Getty Images]

Brittany Murphy loves sandwiches, hates crust

Brittany Murphy is having some sort of psychotic break in which she thinks she’s actually important. PageSix.com says the set of her next movie, Across the Hall, “comes to a grinding halt” because of her diva-esque tendencies when she comes to the set.

Apparently her husband, Simon Monjack, is an issue too, skulking around the set and demanding so much that producers are trying to figure out how to intervene.

But the strangest thing? Sources tell the site that Murphy must have “diagonally cut peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts removed” constantly. “She needs one every hour,” a crew member said. “It’s painstaking — her assistant takes about a half an hour making each one.”

Needing them every hour is one thing — PB&J is good eats — but what’s the deal with it taking some mouth-breathing drool machine 30 minutes to make a sandwich?

[Photo: Getty Images]

Kirstie Alley doesn't need Jenny Craig's money

We’ve already told you that Fat Actress Kirstie Alley is no longer sitting at the Jenny Craig table, but what’s new is that she’s ready to keep noshing on the weight-loss industry.

“I want to create something new that will help millions of people end the seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride,” the 57-year-old told People. She apparently plans to create her own brand, which will launch by 2009.

But why leave Jenny in the first place? “After lengthy negotiations, regretfully the Jenny Craig Company and I did not come to an agreement to continue as their spokesperson,” Alley said — meaning she wanted a bigger bite than what the diet giant would allow. So now she’s off to try to have her cake and eat it, too. Are these food jokes doing anything for you?

[Photo: AP]

Even Gene Simmons has sex tape online now

You will sure question the existence of a righteous creator god once you realize that yes, Gene Simmons allegedly has a sex tape.

The very NSFW Web site GenesSecret.com is offering an eyeful of the aging Kiss bass player with an Australia woman called Elsa who is likely A) half his age and B) finding a creative way to make rent this month.

Actually, Adult Video News says she’s the spokesmodel for Frank’s Energy Drink, which is obviously not helping her career as much as she’d like. Be careful with this, because the use of Foreigner’s I Want to Know What Love Is tends to be the most psyche-scarring part of the whole thing.

It’s anyone’s guess if it really is Simmons in the clip, as the footage is grainy (as it always is) and the site is apparently operated out of Panama (and doesn’t work half the time), but we’d be willing to bet he’s looking to draw a little more attention to his Family Jewels.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Bindi Irwin sells awful doll versions of herself

Speaking of out-of-control showbiz moms (we’re referring to you, Posh and the gang), Terri Irwin has allowed her daughter Bindi to be immortalized in plastic with evil-looking dolls that were unveiled at FAO Schwartz in New York City.

Already lending her name to a clothing line, the 9-year-old’s questionable likeness is part of Wild Republic’s Australia Zoo line, which promises all manner of future toys — hopefully things like Rambunctious Robert (after her 4-year-old brother) and Scar-tissue Steve (after dear old dad).

The dolls will come with a recording of Bindi’s voice exhorting wildlife conservation and, presumably, stingray safety.

Mom told reporters gathered about her two kids’ first snakebites, and what a good mom she is by letting them play with only non-venomous snakes. Get a dose of ugly doll and consumer guilt at FAO Schwartz in the fall.

[Photo: Getty Images]

A Jessica Simpson fitness video you won't see

When you’re not getting any steady work, as Jessica Simpson clearly isn’t, you have to go a long way to get your name in the tabloids. (Seriously, look how far Lindsay Lohan had to go.) So we welcome back Jess with a report from PageSix.com that she has an old workout tape she made in 2005 for Speedfit.

It seems she signed a multimillion-dollar contract with the video company but backed out because she didn’t like the final product. Fast forward a couple years to 2007, when Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Jessica for $10 million.

She wouldn’t settle, so now Astilean is suing her creepy father Joe, who also is her manager. “They are hurting millions of fat people in America,” Astilean said.

Frankly, we think they are hurting millions of people who want to see Jess doing crunches in a leotard, but it’s probably better we’ve so far been spared what is a painful workout in more ways than one.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt punish us more

Apparently The Juice* and the rest of the blogosphere haven’t ripped on Heidi Montag’s video for Higher enough, because she and Spencer Pratt are laying it on thick when threatening us with — uh, talking about — her new album.

"When people hear what we have in the bank, it’s gonna blow their minds,” Pratt told People. “Madonna, eat your heart out. Britney Spears, eat your heart out. I would say we have diamond records coming — they’re gonna sell 10-million plus.” We’ll have to see about that after the drubbing she took on the Internets.

Meanwhile, Montag and Pratt are going to record a follow-up this weekend, with Paul “Coy” Allen at the helm. You’d remember him as the director of Give it to Me, starring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado.

But Pratt’s ego knows no bounds, since he’s promised to release an alternate version he’s done on his own. Do your commenting warmup exercises now.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Beyonce's dad tells Aretha Franklin to lump it

The Grammys were good for some controversy besides Herbie Hancock’s win, since Aretha Franklin got so angry about Beyonce calling Tina Turner “the Queen” before their performance together.

“I am not sure of whose toes I may have stepped on or whose ego I may have bruised between the Grammy writers and Beyonce,” Franklin said on Tuesday. “However, I dismissed it as a cheap shot for controversy.” Wow, who’s got goddess issues here? Anyway, it seemed to work if we're writing about it.

But Beyonce’s dad Matthew Knowles laid the smack down on a CelebTV interview that wrenched at the absurdity of Re-Re’s rejection.

“I am not taking something this ridiculous to Beyonce. Beyonce referred to Tina Turner as a ‘queen.’ Not queen of gospel, queen of soul, queen of blues, Queen of England,” he said. “I consider my wife a queen and sometimes call her that. Does Aretha have a problem with that?” Snap! Yeah, Aretha, do you??

[Photos: Getty Images]

Finally, that fiend Billy Ray Cyrus apologizes

We know by now you’ve read about the surreal outrage caused by a Consumer Reports Web posting pointing out that Miley Cyrus and daddy Billy Ray Cyrus aren’t wearing seat belts in one whole scene of Disney’s Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert movie.

But did you know that people are so distracted from rampant inflation, the war in Iraq, a possible recession, a failing education system, a crumbling infrastructure, a lack of cohesive health care, a thriving drug trade, global warming, skyrocketing gas prices, a crashing housing market, a growing homeless population, unmanageable consumer debt and the overall feeling of social malaise in this country that Billy Ray actually had to apologize for it?

“We got caught up in the moment of filming, and we made a mistake and forgot to buckle our seat belts,” he told People.com. “Seat belt safety is extremely important.”

And better yet, Don Mays, the director of product safety at Consumers Union, which publishes Yonkers-based Consumer Reports, took time to thank him: “We applaud the Cyrus family for recognizing that wearing seat belts in rear seats is essential.”

Not as essential as your mom’s dialysis or forgoing groceries to pay your homeowner’s insurance, but essential nonetheless.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Let's poke more fun at Heidi Montag's video

The folks at BWE are still trying to stretch some mileage out of Heidi Montag's perfectly awful video for Higher two weeks after the fact, so the VH1-based crew resurrected a Pop-Up Video-style joke that lasts about three minutes. Hey, we liked that show ...

A roundup of stuff that's not too important

• Christina Norman, who rose from a freelance production manager to become president of MTV in May 2005, is quitting, the AP reports. Another season of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila was just too much, apparently.

• Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova (above, with Selita Ebanks) has been cast as Cover Girl in the live-action film version of G.I. Joe, PageSix.com reports. She’s got the model part down, but can she rebuild diesel engines and operate missile launchers?

• We were shocked to see TMZ has video of Jesse Metcalfe getting punched in the face by Taryn Manning’s boyfriend. But then we remembered Jesse was just the under-aged gardener from Desperate Housewives, so we moved along.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Scientology family has some dirty laundry

For clarification, The Juice* doesn't care what the Church of Scientology does, but since they're just up in Clearwater, we feel compelled to share a New York Post anecdote about a family feud in the family of church leader David Miscavige.

The tabloid says his niece, 24-year-old Jenna Hill Miscavige (daughter of his older brother Ron), is claiming she's been harrassed since publicly defending Andrew Morton's book, Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography. Jenna chided Cruise for "supporting a religion that tears apart families, both in the media and monetarily."

Jenna's folks left the church in 2000, the Post says, but she stayed in through 2005. Part of that time was spent in a boarding school, in which she claims children were "dumped with a five-gallon bucket of ice water" if they were late or failed uniform inspections. She also claims students were required to write down transgressions like Catholic confession, and then measured with an Electropsychometer to make sure they had admitted everything.

But since writing a letter last month to a senior church official lambasting Scientology, "The church has contacted several of my friends, telling them that I am smearing the church and I am going to be declared a suppressive person and asking my friends if they would disconnect from me and, in at least one case, insisting that they do," Jenna says.

The worst part? "At least eight friends have removed themselves from my MySpace page," she claims. Stop the presses! The church is ruining everything!

[Photo: David Miscavige in 2004. Getty Images]

Kim Kardashian is sued by Ray J's mom

Following The Juice* tradition of sharing news that really shouldn’t matter to anyone, we bring word that Brandy Norwood’s mom Sonja is suing the Kardashian clan for abusing her credit card, TMZ says. Sonja says Kim and her fam racked up $120,000 in charges on an American Express card Ray J’s mom gave to Kim to 2004, when she was a stylist.

A lawsuit filed in L.A. County Superior Court alleges Kim was allowed to make “one (and only one)” purchase. So what did Kim allegedly do? She let family members Khloe, Kourtney and Robert Jr. make $62,793.83 in charges in 2006. In 2007 they rung up an additional $57,841.82.

Where was this shopping spree? In two Kardashian-owned clothing stores, Dash and Smooch! That’s one way to get that new fall line moving. The lawsuit seeks restitution for the $120,635.65 plus 10 percent interest, People reports.

"The charges against the Kardashians are meritless," Kim's rep tells Ok! magazine. "Both Kim and Khloe were employed by the Norwoods and never used their credit cards without their express authorization. The Kardashian family looks forward to proving the absurdity of these claims in a court of law."

Because if it's one thing that family knows about, it's absurdity.

[Photo: Khloe, Kourtney and Kim. Getty Images]

Pamela Anderson will strip on Valentine's Day

Looking for something to do on Valentine’s Day? Why not head to Paris to see more of 40-year-old Pamela Anderson than you probably really want to at this point. The U.K.’s Sun reports the trash queen has agreed to four striptease performances at Le Crazy Horse cabaret on Feb. 13 and 14.

Apparently club owner Andree Diessenberg decided to sign her up after seeing her assisting magician Hans Klok at his Las Vegas show in ’07 (like she was some undiscovered beauty or something).

“Pamela chose the dates herself. But when I saw her onstage, I said to myself right away, ‘I have to put her onstage.’ What a knockout!” he said. “Pamela will perform a Brigitte Bardot tribute number entitled Harley Davidson and will also appear in the finale.”

There’s still some debate over whether Pammie will appear fully nude at the Parisian club. What, like she still has some modesty left?

[Photo: With Klok last June. Getty Images]

Good or bad?: New Kids on the Block returns

Taking the idea that they’re Hangin’ Tough a little too seriously, the New Kids on the Block are indeed staging a comeback, People reports. Buy your canned food and shotguns now.

The group’s Web site is back up with a mailing list being offered for info on the band.

But what was scary for The Juice* was the revelation that Jonathan Knight, who is a real estate developer these days, is going to be 40 this year. That makes him the oldest among actors Donnie Wahlberg (38) and Joey McIntyre (35), music producer Danny Wood (38) and Knight’s brother Jordan (37), who has kept at the recording business all these years.

Now excuse us while we try to talk Mrs. Juice out of cutting her hair into bangs, tight-rolling her jeans and getting a Hypercolor t-shirt.

[Photo: Handout]

All the vain people love Jessica Biel's body

Who’s the celebrity women most want to look like? A couple plastic surgeons say Jessica Biel is tops on their patients’ lists of bodies they’d like to double.

The U.K.’s Daily Telegraph says Richard Fleming and Toby Mayer of the Beverly Hills Institute of Aesthetic and Reconstructive Surgery cite Biel’s bod, Angelina Jolie’s kisser and Katie Holmes' eyes as the top requests among plastic surgery patients.

“Our patients continue to turn to Hollywood to raise their standard of beauty,” Fleming said. “Our patients want to look rested, energetic and, most of all, youthful like the celebrities they see in glossy magazines.” (In case you wondered why, exactly, people got plastic surgery.)

The paper says Katherine Heigl’s nose (wha?) and Keira Knightley’s cheeks (but not her jawline, apparently) also top the list. Click on the photo to see the Frankenstein's monster this creation makes.

Big for fussy guys with misplaced priorities: David Beckham’s rippling body, George Clooney’s cheeks and Daniel Craig’s eyes, which still won’t help them be as bad-ass as 007.

[Photos: Getty Images]

Dane Cook breaks Dave Chappelle's record

Ever-needful for some kind of reassurance he’s not a loser, Dane Cook has broken Dave Chappelle’s Laugh Factory standup endurance record by telling jokes for 7 hours straight, the AP reports.

Chappelle had told jokes at the Sunset Strip comedy club in December for a record 6 hours and 12 minutes, which beat a record Cook had set in April of 3 hours and 50 minutes. That performance bested Richard Pryor’s 1980 mark of 2 hours and 41 minutes (of course, Pryor was better than the other two combined, but we digress).

“If this rivalry keeps up I’m going to turn the Laugh Factory into a bed and breakfast,” club owner Jamie Masada said. And has no one pointed out it was Dane Cook? We’d rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried read A Tale of Two Cities than sit through 7 hours of his yakking.

[Photo: AP]

BREAKING NEWS: Jessica Simpson can't act

Proving that Jessica Simpson’s movie career was a bigger mistake than New Coke, Variety released numbers on that limited theatrical release of her “film” Blonde Ambition, showing that it managed to score only $1,322 in its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters.

Mind, this is the same pic with Luke Wilson — and Andy Dick — that was originally so awful that it was headed straight to DVD when Nu Image and Millenium Films decided to give it a short run at Christmas. Hey, it stars two Texans, so it’ll go over big in Texas, right? (Willie Nelson, how could you?)

Next up for Jess: the ironically titled Major Movie Star with Vivica A. Fox and ... wait for it ... Steve Guttenberg! Coming soon to a Blockbuster near you.

The Jolie-Pitts have influential babies

It’s finally happened, hasn’t it? We’ve come upon the stupidest, most pointless list in Hollywood history. Forbes has named Shiloh Jolie-Pitt Hollywood’s Most Influential Infant. The mag based its decision on how many press mentions Shiloh earned, not, presumably, her ability to greenlight a picture stuck in development. The rest of the Top 5: Suri Cruise, Zahara Jolie-Pitt, Sean Preston Spears and Pax Jolie-Pitt. Remember this list in 25 years, when there’s a Jolie-Pitt at the head of every network, movie studio and Fortune 500 company.

(Photo: People/AP)

Things The Juice* is trying to ignore today

• Jennifer Love Hewitt raging against Internet gossips who ripped on her cellulite-riddled fanny over the past week (she was vacationing in Hawaii). The Juice* didn’t show them because we can’t afford them and we don’t steal, but trust us, we’ve seen worse on Pinellas beaches.

• The Spice Girls kicking off their reunion tour. Enough already — you’re all moms now. Well, not Sporty, but that’s no surprise.

• Katherine Heigl complaining in Vanity Fair about how her Grey’s Anatomy character is acting. Oh, so you can buy Izzie Stevens almost killing Denny a year ago, but having an affair is too much?

• Akon pleading not guilty to minor charges for tossing a teen into a crowd, hurting another team. They've got you on tape, man.

• Britney Spears’ birthday over the weekend. Because we're as sick of her as you are.

More stuff we're ignoring to save our sanity

• Emeril Live with Emeril Lagasse is being taken off Food Network because of an unresolved contract dispute, the AP reports. Now the channel will be forced to fill airtime with reruns called Emeril Reheated.

• Amy Winehouse has canceled her British tour, saying she can’t perform while her husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in jail, Reuters says. Or while she’s high.

• Foxy Brown has been released from solitary confinement after 40 days of a 76-day “punitive segregation” at Rikers Island, Billboard says. Keeping Foxy alone with herself must have been construed as cruel and unusual punishment.

Here's a few things we're not writing about

• Kim Kardashian claims that $50,000 worth of jewelry, a camera and a laptop were stolen from JFK airport in NYC, TMZ says (is that enough acronyms for you?). Yeah, we know, she’s probably afraid pics and videos of her naked will get out.

• Zac Hanson — the youngest one — is expecting his first child with wife Kate in May, People says. And oh yeah, the band is going on tour.

• Kid Rock says his next release will be his “last record” with long hair, People reports. Gas station attendants everywhere ponder a new look.

Rosie coming to MSNBC?

If you thought the vitriol between Keith Olbermann and Bill O'Reilly was rough, brace yourselves: Rosie O'Donnell might be landing a prime-time show on MSNBC. The New York Times said O'Donnell's show would go up against Larry King Live and Hannity & Colmes, but the two sides are pretty far apart on the money. "It’s far from a done deal," an exec told The Hollywood Reporter. The Juice* is not exactly itching to see O’Donnell back on the air, but it would almost be worth it just to witness the back-and-forth between her and Fox News.

Oh, and to all you Rosie O'Donnell-Sean Hannity fan-fic fetishists out there: You're welcome.

(Archive photo; MS Paintsmanship courtesy of The Juice*.)

Rumer Willis says stuff about being famous

Rumer Willis is an enigma to The Juice* — she’s got a great pedigree by having two good-lookin’ parents, but doesn’t seem to be able to act or do anything else but get goofy photos of herself printed in gossip mags (which is made worse by the fact that she may have gotten the thin bowl of the Demi Moore/Bruce Willis genetic stew).

But fame isn’t fair, she tells People: “Before I started working, I would have said, ‘You know, it’s not really fair, because I didn’t choose this.’ But when you decide to be a part of this profession and put yourself out there, then you kind of have to accept what it is.”

What it is, is her capitalizing on her famous family background, but to her, “It’s a 24-hour job,” she says. “It doesn’t matter if you are going out to a restaurant – you have to be aware of what you are doing and how you look and how you are presenting yourself, because most of the time people never get to know you.” Coasting on a birthright is such hard work!

[Photo: Getty Images]

Britney blah blah kids blah court blah no undies

What would a day be without Britney Spears drama? On Thursday, Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon gave lawyers for Spears and Kevin Federline more time to discuss the singer’s visitation rights with their children, then ended the hearing without making a ruling on Brit’s request for overnight visits.

The hearing was a result of Spears filing an emergency motion to see Sean and Jayden, who were taken away from her on Oct. 1, the AP reports. The dire situation? Spears’ attorney, Anne Kiley, claimed overnight visits are critical for Spears to bond with her sons, since she can’t do that bonding while sucking down appletinis in Las Vegas.

“I do think it is an emergency for them not to have overnights with their mother, which they’ve always had,” Kiley said. “What possible concern can he (Federline) have if there are monitors present?”

Britney was so concerned, in fact, that she couldn’t even be bothered to attend the hearing (Federline also was absent) until after the commisioner refused to rule. 

K-Fed’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, was unimpressed, saying it was frustrating for Spears to try and bring this back to court so soon.

“If she could remedy all of those problems ... in one week, that would be a miracle,” he said.

One problem she couldn’t remedy is her missing underwear issues. Bratney was photographed sans undies yet again on a shopping trip, with those pics making the rounds on the InterWebs. Please cover your mouth when you yawn.

UPDATE: So, she apparently won overnight visitation rights with her kids. But she still has to be monitored. Woot. We're more interested about when Gordon said, "I understand you have a medical condition" when she didn't take her sunglasses off. What is she, some kind of vampire?

Read the AP story here.

[Photo: AP]

Britney to Crocker: Leave me alone, y'all!

In a mighty gut punch to whiny Web wonder Chris Crocker, Us says his tirade commanding the media to leave Britney Spears alone doesn’t amuse the self-destructive popster in the least.

“Britney does not think Chris Crocker is funny,” a Spears friend tells the mag. “She thinks he’s creepy and that all his videos are an obvious attempt at fame. She finds it insulting and difficult to watch.” Hey, takes one to know one, right?

But Crocker isn’t fazed: “It was to give Britney fans a voice,” the guyliner acolyte sniffs. “There is nothing insulting there. It was for her fans to show our support.”

Crocker goes on to insist Brit’s loss of custody over tykes Sean and Jayden is only temporary. “My mom lost custody of me when she was younger and she got it back,” Crocker says. “(Britney) can always get it together again.” Yeah, Brit, look how well-adjusted Chris turned out to be!

Here's that Eva Longoria sex tape

Eva Longoria sex tape? What Eva Longoria sex tape? The dorks behind the Funny or Die Web site are saying that the rumors about the Desperate Housewives star are likely taken from a sketch they did.

Blogger Tyler Durden says a guy from the Will Ferrell and Adam McKay-backed site postulated that TV gossip mill The Insider teased the sex tape item, knowing full well it was simply a satire on some site that rose to fame with a clip of a two-year-old swearing at Ferrell.

So that should clear things up, right? Right? Eh, watch the clip in question and get on with your lives.

Get ready for The Juice* LITE

I'm outta here until Tuesday, folks, but Big Jay Cridlin will be keeping the site up and running during the week while I'm gone. Don't be too hard on him ...

Britney shares a 'horror'scope with Anna Nicole

Vanity Fair is sooo cutting edge. The excyclopedia-sized mag’s astrology expert has noticed that Britney Spears shares the same chart with another ill-fated famester, Anna Nicole Smith.

Horoscoper Michael Lutin says Smith (b. Nov. 28) and Spears (b. Dec. 2) are both Sagittarius with Libra rising. That means, of course, that according to the heavens, the two girls are destined to follow the same path, and Lutin implies that path includes drug abuse and death at an early age. “

Instead of laughing at her and making fun of her just the way they did with Anna Nicole, somebody better step in and do something or it is going to be just like Anna Nicole,” Lutin writes. Not to be too callous or anything, but we don’t need a star chart to figure that one out.

Kim Kardashian just won't go away

The Juice* has been looking for a new worthless celebutante famous for being famous since we stopped writing about the Hilton clan, and unfortunately it looks like Kim Kardashian fits the bill.

Originally slated for some sort of coy, half-dressed photo shoot in Playboy, Us magazine says the December issue will now feature KiKa on the cover and in a 12-page photo spread that “will show one boob, and her bare butt.” Why so coy, after all the on-tape shenanigans with Ray Jay?

The shoot will be featured in her upcoming E! reality show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, but we’re more interested in the New York Post’s Page Six report that she’s now dating Terrence Howard. You’re making it happen, America.

[Photo: Getty Images]

Little-known radio guy mad at Stephen Colbert

Talk-radio host Cenk Uygur, who runs Air America’s The Young Turks, is raising a ruckus, saying Stephen Colbert stole a joke from his show.

Uygur has posted a YouTube video showing “proof” that Colbert swiped a joke comparing Republican presidential candidates discussing honor to a bunch of Klingons from Star Trek (see it below).

Uygur’s shtick ran Sept. 7, while Colbert presented a similar item on Sept. 11's episode of The Colbert Report.

“Who else would come up with this joke on their own?” Cenk asks rhetorically on the video. Gee, maybe anybody who’s ever seen an episode of Star Trek, ever.

Beware a few dirty words, please:

Nebraska state senator sues God

This has nothing to do with celebrities, but it is fairly entertaining (and it's about the state representative from my hometown district in Omaha, so laugh away):

LINCOLN, Neb. -- The defendant in a state senator's lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He's everywhere.

State Sen. Ernie Chambers sued God last week. Angered by another lawsuit he considers frivolous, Chambers says he's trying to make the point that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody.

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes."

He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

-- The Associated Press

And people ask me why I moved away.

Kanye West doesn't care about awards, people

Kanye West threw another tantrum at the VMAs, saying he would “never return to MTV” after being shut out in all five categories he was nominated in, the AP and MTV report.

“Kanye was watching the closing performance [a medley featuring Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado] on a closed-circuit monitor, and he started getting upset,” a source told MTV News.

“He started asking anyone who’d listen why he wasn’t allowed to perform on the main stage. ‘Why did I perform in just a suite?’ he was saying. ‘Justin’s my boy, but even he gets to perform in both a suite and on the main stage? Something’s wrong here.’ ”

The AP added West yelled “That’s two years in a row, man ... I’m trying hard, man, I have the ... No. 1 record, man.”

He also complained about Britney Spears being allowed on the main stage, saying “Brit hasn’t had a hit in like 5 million years and she opens the show?”

Remember, 50 Cent didn't get on the main stage, either, and you don't hear him complaining. Maybe Kanye needs to go out and ruin his career so he’ll start getting some respect.

[Photo: West and Fitty on Sunday. Getty Images]

Man, who would pay to see Andy Dick?

You can tell things are slow when we’re writing about Andy Dick. David Stroupe told the AP that an appearance last weekend by Dick at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Columbus, Ohio, was marred by some pretty foul behavior.

How foul? Stroupe, the club’s managing partner, said the 41-year-old actor-comedian made inappropriate comments while on stage, groped patrons, took women into the men’s room and urinated on the floor and on at least one person. Andy then missed a flight to L.A. Monday morning because he was busy being cited for public urination.

He’s headed to Franklin County Municipal Court on Thursday (unless he pays $126 and court costs), but chances are he won’t be back at the Funny Bone.

[Photo: AP]

Keep your kids out of Barnes & Noble

Now Barnes & Noble has done it. After initially saying it wouldn’t carry copies of the O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It, the bookseller has changed its tune and announced it would now carry the book.

“We’ve been monitoring the pre-orders and customer requests and have concluded that enough customers have expressed interest in buying the book to warrant stocking it in our stores,” spokeswoman Mary Ellen Keating told the AP. “We do not intend to promote the book but we will stock it in our stores because our customers are asking for it.”

It’s good to know a national store chain will sell just any old hateful trash just because people ask for it. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling copies of wanton hatemongering like The Protocols of the Elders of Zion and The Turner Diaries ... oh wait, they already do that.

Letterman, Winfrey ending feud no one recalls

Are Oprah Winfrey and David Letterman still feuding?  Not since the Hatfields and the McCoys has there been a more senseless battle over causes no one remembers. But after a Super Bowl commercial in which they made light of the situation, Variety says the pair are ready to bury  the hatchet. Letterman will appear on O’s show on Sept. 10, which is a nice gesture, since Oprah said she wouldn’t go on his back in 2003. Now if only we can get Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump together ...

No Juice* being squeezed on Monday

The Juice* won't be updated to start your week, but don't worry; we'll dose you up on Tuesday and bring Music Monday with us! And don't forget, we're always in print in tbt*, rain, shine or real-estate transactions notwithstanding.

And for your weekend, here's a little something extra -- a photo from Cute Overload of a guinea pig in a cast!

Don't worry, Mello will be fine in three weeks. But the Juice* may just make this our official out-of-office indicator ...

Stern blocks tape of Anna's boob job. Thanks!

While we question why it’s even an issue in the first place, a judge has issued a temporary restraining order against the release of a 1994 videotape of Anna Nicole Smith’s breast augmentation surgery. Isn’t it great to see that name again?

The AP reports Howard K. Stern asked for the injunction, to prevent the sale or distribution of the tape, which shows Texas doctor Gerald Wayne Johnson performing the procedure. Johnson is accused of sending the tape to an L.A. memorabilia dealer. Stern claims the tape was made without Smith’s knowledge, but really, who would buy such a thing?

Jolie realizes other things can be named Shiloh

The power of Angelina Jolie finally has limits. The pouty-lipped actress met her match when a legal challenge she filed with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office in January over a fragrance named Shiloh was dropped, the Washington Post says.

Israeli/French perfume maker Symine Salimpour said she was shocked over the challenge, since she wasn’t inspired by the 13-month-ol daughter of Jolie and Brad Pitt. 

“I was so scared. I mean, c’mon, who wouldn’t be?” she tells the paper. “In Hebrew, Shiloh means ‘his gift.’ And I will use the perfum