American Idol: Judging the Judges

American Idol may be broadcast live these days, but I never watch it that way.

And I'm not just using my TiVo-ed Idol episodes to skip commercials. More and more, I can't stand the judges.

I'm no Idol neophyte. I know Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul are mostly space-saving distractions, and Simon Cowell modulates his mostly-spot on criticism to favor the artists he wants to sign to his record label when the dust clears.

Still, watching recent editions of Idol has never felt more like watching an abusive parent take on an unlucky child. Some of these singers, looking to these fortysomething eyes like they just got out of preschool, face a black belt-level of showbiz machinations they can't possibly be ready to confront.

(According to a recent SEC filing, Idol is one of the biggest moneymaking machines in television, earning $63-million in profit last year for 19 Entertainment, the production company owned by low-key Idol producer Simon Fuller. That's not counting the money Fox-Tv makes off the show, which regularly attracts 30 percent of the people watching TV)

Was Amanda Overmyer really that impressive channeling Joan Jett singing I Hate Myself for Loving You? As a longtime musician I've always thought she has trouble making that distinctive voice fill the big songs she's always choosing, and Wednesday night she looked as if she'd rather be anywhere but on the Idol stage. Yet, all the judges patted her on the back, because they really, really seem to want a female Chris Daughtry in the running.

Was Chikezie's take on Whitney Houston's All the Man I Need really horrible? I thought he did a great job with a song originally made a hit by one of pop music's most talented singers. But he got no love from the judges because, after Ruben Studdard's stillborn career, the last thing Idol wants is another R&B singer getting anywhere near the show's top tier.

I also know from covering the kiddie version of Idol -- the travesty that was American Juniors -- that vocals inside the Idol studio sound very different than what viewers hear during the broadcast. Still, I've never wanted more to be sitting on that judges panel, just to counter some of their bone-headed observations. Here's my Idol-style take on the judges.

Randy Jackson: Dawg, those observations, like, yo, you be bringing it sometimes. But then, you know, you drown some potentially useful criticisms in, you know, mad awful ripped-from-hip hop lingo. I mean, like, dude, you don't have to remind us you played with Journey every time someone sings a Steve Perry tune. And, like, dawg, you really need to remember, yo, that nobody believes someone who once played with Journey really talks like that naturally.

(click on any photo to enlarge)

Paula Abdul: Paula, everybody remembers that crazy chick from college who was a total pain because she really wasn't that smart and was kind of odd, but you tolerated her because she was cute. That's you, baby. And the problem with girls like that, is that they always eventually get kicked to the curb. So either, really bring the crazy train to make Idol memorable, or modulate the prescriptions so you make a little more sense, week to week.

Simon Cowell: I'll be honest Simon; brutal comments which once felt like a bracing bolt of honesty in a sea of showbiz silliness now mostly come off as petulant, self-centered careerism. I would have thought you'd learned your lesson from the kinder face you showed during this year's auditions; kicking someone when they're already down isn't usually considered a virtue.      

Comments

[Chuck Welch]

Of course reality shows alter the reality they film. That was as true for An American Family in the early 70s as it is true today.

As for the "dumbing down of society" are you referring to the contest shows like "Queen for a Day" in the early days of TV, or the radio talent shows like "Arthur Godfrey's Talent Scouts" or the amateur nights in vaudeville?

[reader]

another thing i'm always reminded of... since the producers clearly aren't afraid to edit and package the show as they please, how can one tell if the whole thing isn't rigged from the very start? i mean, in the early stages of the show, they let all the freaks/losers get just far enough that we can watch them get trashed by the judges. i mean, some of the weirdos in the earliest rounds would NEVER make it to the big stage; they are obviously there for the laugh value. so there is a sense that the producers know what they're doing in that regard. why wouldn't they rig the whole thing? anybody got any thoughts?

then again, even though we're criticizing it, we are TALKING about it, and that's what they want us to do. well, short of actually watching the show.

[reader]

Some of these singers, looking to these fortysomething eyes like they just got out of preschool, face a black belt-level of showbiz machinations they can't possibly be ready to confront.

excellent point.

[Bob]

Am I the only one in the world who does not see the entertainment value in American Idol and shows like it? Reality and contest shows just seem to be more of a reflection of the dumbing down of society. Sigh...

[Chuck Welch]

I think what hurts some of these performers is the lousy camera work and shot selection.

You see more bias there than in any other aspect of the show. Watch sometime without the sound and judge the show by the director's choices of camera shots. You'll see immediately who is loved and who isn't.

Overmeyer's performance was especially poorly cut. The woman has a tendency to sing to her right. I don't remember the steadycam operator ever shooting from there. When she goes into a dance move we get a closeup of her face, or a crowd reaction shot. They have rehearsals not only for the singers, but for the director and the camera operators. That's when shots are choreographed as much as possible.

No matter how much we hear this is a "singing contest," it is a performance contest. What the three judges see often doesn't match what we see. I think last night they saw a performance that was simply not captured by the show's director.

[jane]

Exactly. Talented man and impressive list -- but you'd never know it from him. Which is too bad.

[Eric Deggans]

i hear you, Jane. But as a fan of Randy's bass playing, let me provide a short list of the people he's played bass with or produced:

Jean-Luc Ponty, Aretha Franklin, Bruce Springsteen, George Michael, Billy Cobham, Blue Öyster Cult, Richard Marx, Madonna, Billy Joel, Bon Jovi, Michael Bolton, Bob Dylan, The Charlie Daniels Band, Carlos Santana and Jerry Garcia.

I just wish he better reflected his quite amazing career in his comments....

[jane]

Don't forget Mariah... Randy never lets us.

[Eric Deggans]

Thanks Jane. more and more, Randy's looking like the old guy at the club, hanging with the 20-year-olds, who can't udnerstand why none of the hot girls will dance with him.

And that's not a place where a guy who once played with Journey and Whitney Houston really should be....

[jane]

Great observations, especially about the judges. Randy is especially grating on my proverbial one last nerve this season, with the affected lingo and the endless name-dropping. Although the George Foster sideburns are growing on me.

And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Amanda looked absolutely miserable last night. She may be tired of this nonsense already.