How to translate the total BS of Hollywood

After eight days, dozens of chicken dinners and countless conversations with airheaded celebrities, I'm winging my way east as the TV critics summer press tour winds to an end.

I'm actually stopping in Chicago for a week to check out the UNITY convention uniting journalism organizations representing black, Hispanic, Asian American and Native American people. But before I step on the plane, I can't help reflecting on the worst element of this particular cavalcade of star interviews, press conferences and hip-ified parties.

The total BS that comes out of everyone's mouth. Constantly.

Few people say what they really mean at a press conference for 200 journalists blogging in real time -- thank you Drew Carey and Dick Smothers! -- so you often have to decode what people are really saying out here.

Here's a little guide to dissecting all those innocuous quotes in press tour stories on my blog and elsewhere.

Actor says: "What drew me to this project was the script."

Actor means: "What drew me to this project was the paycheck. And the fact that I only have to work about three days a week."

Actor says: "This is just the happiest set I've ever worked on. We all really love each other."

Actor means: "We just started working together, so we're on our best behavior. Just wait until we win a couple of Emmys and I start up my crystal meth habit."

Producer says: "(He/She) walked in, and we knew right way this was the person for the role."

Producer means: "All the other really good actors emigrating from England were taken."

Producer says: "We just cast the best people for the role, and wound up with an all-white cast."

Producer means: "We just cast the best people we thought other white people might want to watch. And the just happened to be white!"

Network executive says: We love (insert name of troubled performer here), and can't wait to work with them again.

Network executive means: "It will be a cold day in the hell that is my existence when I ever return this egomaniac's telephone calls. Unless, of course, they land another hit movie."

Network executive says: "We love you critics; we wouldn't have successful shows without you."

Network executive means: "Our technology division is working out a Microsoft program which will write out a review 30 second after the episode airs. I'm betting you have about six months left in your job."

Comments

[millertime]

I really need to get one of those Hollywood-English translation dictionaries. They sound pretty useful.

Ketih -- I'll try to stop by your panel. But since the NABJ chapter that I lead is sponsoring the evening party, i may be busy at that time...

Dallas-- i'm sure some of my snarkiness comes from being on the last day of an eight-day reporting binge, where you're working 12-hour days with little respite. And these stars sometimes don't know anything about their shows, because they havent really done much work by july. But a lot of them just aren't offering very substantive comments, so i decided to vent a little here. After all, isn't that what blogs do best?

[Dallas]

Really, you sound kind of bitter in this whole diatribe. If you dislike "airheaded celebrities", why are you a TV critic interviewing them? Don't be mad at them for being popular or famous causing you to have to fly out to talk to them. Try going into the interview with an open mind. Celebrities are not required to be super intelligent in many cases, but I will bet that they are still people that deserve just as much respect as you. I don't think that there is a grand conspiracy here. You not liking them does not mean that they are not being honest. Give them some credit. Perhaps I am being too serious, and should just be saying that I agree it is a great pic of Hayden.

[Keith Kamisugi]

Eric, if you're free Sat afternoon, hope you'll stop by our 115p panel on unconscious bias and media coverage. Details on raceandmedia.org.

[Eric Deggans]

you're being too literal. I put a pic of hayden there because it was the best picture of a star answering questions during a TCA press conference that I could find...

[missy]

why is there a pic of hayden here? and no less right by some comment about all white casts..."heroes" is the most diverse show on tv right now.

[Aaron]

Don't be hatin the parties. Where else would we have gotten eight minutes (apiece) with Dennis Haysbert?

[Lorrie Lykins]

Hey Eric,

as always, thanks for the astute interpretation. I think you should consider sub-titling your blog "The Really Truly Awful Truth" (since "The Awful Truth" is already taken) or "How Our Souls are Being Sucked From Our Bodies, One Remote Click at a Time."

Safe travel!
:)