I'm one of those moms on meds

The final straw broke about 18 months ago. I was driving my three children to soccer practice.
 
 “I have a surprise for ya’ll,” I told them as I lifted up the Hannah Montana Best of Both Worlds double CD. One disc was Hannah, the other, Miley Cyrus. 
 
They chimed out “thank you,” “cool” and “awesome.”  Then my son, almost 5 at the time, dared to ask to hold it.
 
“No, he’ll break it,” one daughter exclaimed.  She and her sister promptly argued over who would open it.
 
“I will open it,” I said flatly. “Why does everything have to be such a big deal?”
 
“Can we listen to the Miley one first?,” my older daughter asked. “No! I want to hear Hannah Montana first,” the younger insisted.
 
“Mommy, do I have to have shoes on? I don’t have my shoes,” my 4-year-old chimed in.  “And I want to listen to Hannah Montana.”
 
“Miley!” “Hannah!” “Miley!” “Hannah!” “Mommy!” “Miley.” “Hannah!”“Mommy!”
 
“Ugggh! I wanted this to be a nice little treat, and y'all have ruined it,” I screamed at the top of my lungs as I clutched the steering wheel so tightly my rings cut into my fingers.
 
The next morning I had a slight sore throat from yelling. It was like the hangover an alcoholic faces. Or the empty brownie pan soaking in the sink that makes a Weight Watchers' lifetime member cringe because she ate them all, one thin slice at a time, after everyone else was asleep.
 

This, I decided, was the last sore throat I would incur from yelling at my kids. It was time to consider joining the thousands of other women in the world who take prescription medication to help control their moods, temper, anxiety or depression.

 I have a great life with three kids and a wonderful husband. But he travels a lot. My kids make demands, some fair and some ridiculous. I work.

I have no family in town. We get a sitter most weekends to go out, but I still feel like I never have any “me time,” until everyone is asleep. And that’s often when I work.

My doctor said he prescribes mood-enhancing medications about 10 times a week. He took me through a thorough exam, and I have to come in once a year to get my prescription renewed.

Maybe we moms should do more yoga, cut back our responsibilities, see a therapist, exercise more, put duct tape over our mouths every day after 5 p.m. Maybe we should do anything to avoid relying on drugs to become calmer, happier people.

But unlike Hannah/Miley I only have one world. And I want to enjoy it as much as I can.

-- Read Katherine Snow Smith's full column in the latest issue of Go Momma magazine or see it online.

Comments

[joyous]

This piece has really been on my mind since I read it on Friday while my son practiced his RipStik on the sidewalk in front of our house. I think it says more about society's expectations for parents than about antidepressants. It reminds me of Betty Friedan's "The problem that has no name" from the 50s. It seems like those same expectations have come full circle and now can be applied to working moms as well as stay at home moms. So interesting and thought provoking.

[Dee`]

My kids are in college and recently moved away, wouldn't take the drugs but would like for them to be back, you only remember the crazy, hard times and you will, trust me
stay clean and sober

[becca]

I respect you for your candor, and the risk you took sharing this info.

I also understand your position; my daughter is in a tight spot, lives in N.Y., divorced, with FIVE GIRLS, and little family support. I beg her to move here with me, but she won't even consider doing that.

I came from a family of ELEVEN, but my mother never worked outside of the home, and that was non-stop. She had it pretty tough, but she was dedicated, and persevered through the years. Also, the youngest was a special needs child. Back then taking meds carried a huge stigma, and if you were on mood-altering drugs, you were already in pretty bad shape.

It's a personal decision, and should be for SHORT TERM CRISIS SITUATIONS ONLY. Big Pharma would like nothing more than for us all to take our daily SOMA....as in Brave New World.

I respect your situation, but please, please, please USE CAUTION. If you can take it on an as-needed/PRN basis, I would say okay, but only in dire straits.

Bright blessings,
becca

[huh]

What a sad, sorry commentary....what a soft, confused, mixed up nation..America is only a country of selfish, egocentric, babies who put "me" first and their own comfort and will shortly be a second rate nation in a matter of years...count on it.

[Back in my day]

Back in my day, we didn't take drugs to deal with stress -- we just drank like fish!

[Belle]

Val, I hope you never are diagnosed as being depressed b/c then you'd have to deal with stupid, holier-than-thou people like yourself who are quick to judge people without having any background knowledge of the situation!! :)

[juslilolme]

Over FORTY years ago Mick Jagger said: What a drag it is getting old
"Kids are different today"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rolling+stones/mothers+little+helper_20117873.html

[DDDD]

Several things about this article is disturbing. 1) Psych meds from a general doc, with no monthly followup. WAAAYY too common. My doc tried to take this path with me and I refused them, opted for alternatives. Tae Kwon Do has worked wonderfully. 2) A child is a 20-yr 24/7 total commitment- NO ifs, ands or buts!! If you don't have that time to give, don't have a child. I'm in my 15th year. 3) "Discipline", the firm, guiding, loving kind, begins from Day 1 of a child's life. Again, if you've no plan in place then maybe you should rethink having one.
In no way do I see reference in this article to those who have a "special needs" child; that is an entirely different set of circumstances that must be dealt with on an individual basis. My heart and support goes out to those parents, and those who have a "normal" child, count your blessings every single day. Also, people diagnosed as truly depressed or anxious would be so without children and taking meds in that case is OK.

[Tara]

Gee, I wonder how parents delt with their children way back when, without the meds we have today? Oh yeah, now I remember. They took out a belt or in my case was spanked when I got outta line! Yeah you heard me right!

[amy]

It's interesting to read how many people are quick to cast stones and compare stories about how they do things so much better. Perhaps it makes them feel more successful regarding their own lives or makes them feel like better parents when they tear down other's decisions? Keep in mind the tone of the article. It was a lightweight glib piece, not a scientific journal article. I guess it never occured to you moralistic, superior beings that the incident referred to in the article was simply a "snapshot" of the writer's daily life, and not the only reason she felt the need for medication. Some of you advised parenting classes and that is probably a good idea for anyone who feels overwhelmed by family life. However, it could be that an undiagnosed underlying depression could account for the feelings of being overwhelmed rather than the other way around. If undiagnosed depression is the root cause it would be easy to let the kids get the better of you because you don't have the psychological stamina to keep up. That is not being "weak" or a bad parent because depression IS a mental illness, and parenting classes, yoga, etc., will not help if that is the case. In my opinion a combo of meds and classes would be ideal if the kids are contributing to inordinate amounts of stress. I do agree that a psychiatrist should make the diagnosis rather than an MD, and if holistic is your bag go to a reputable practitioner and try alternative supplements. But the judgemental snootiness needs to go. You're not in middle school anymore so act like adults. Have a little respect for other people and realize that you're probably not as perfect as you think you are. Someday, when you least expect it, your children may cause you to doubt your own parental success and you may find yourself in the same boat as Katherine Snow Smith. Wouldn't it suck then, to find total strangers calling you names and tearing you down for trying to take care of yourself?

[Val]

Belle's a whackjob. She was probably hopped up on God knows what when she typed her comment. Another pill dependent weakling who can't cope.

[Dee]

I would highly recommend you read or attend a seminar from "Love and Logic." It helped so much with my kids.
I am disturbed that you are promoting getting psychiatric medication from a general physician. These meds can have severe mental side-effects and you need to be monitored by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Being seen once a year??? That is criminally negligent.

[Belle]

Those of you "throwing stones" at Katharine really piss me off!! Unless you've been in her shoes, DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE HER!!

I cannot speak for her, but b/c I have been diagnosed with depression, I KNOW that I can't be a "happy, normal person" without meds. I spent 6 YEARS being miserable and making my family miserable before finally going to a MD-who recommended a psychiatrist--to get a diagnosis.

It doesn't matter how many children you have--3 or none--if the seratonin levels in your brain aren't at the correct levels, you and those around you are going to suffer!! Parenting classes and/or books ARE NOT GOING TO HELP!!

I agree that people shouldn't "pop pills" unless they've been diagnosed by a knowledgeable doctor. And I don't think antidepressants are for everyone. But don't tell me how bad of a person I am b/c I take them. If I have to take pills the rest of my life in order to prevent the way I felt and acted before being diagnosed, I will. I NEVER want to feel that way again.

And unless you've been in the same situation, keep your mouth shut!! You have NO IDEA what it's like to be sad all of the time, not want to get out of bed, sleep most of the day away, yell at your husband and children, cry at the drop of a hat, etc.

And, by-the-way, antidepressants ARE NOT addictive. So don't even go there!

[penny lady]

I am greatly disturbed by this article. Too many people feel this way and it's why I rarely share what I am about to: I chose to tkae an hour/wk to see a therapist to become a better person/ parent. After much discussion, I was finally persuaded to see a PSYCHIATRIST to see if I needed antidepressants - and I did and still do take them. Getting them from your primary care doc is NOT the thing to do, whether you had a physical first or not! I see my psychtrist every 3months to evaluate my mental health AND my physical health -- some of these "happy pills" need regular monitoring through blood work as they can affect your liver, or the psy needs to check that the dosage has reached therapeutic levels in the blood.

Taking pills does not replace learning coping skills to deal with issues like the car ride! I know!! I've been there, done that -- and live better now thanks to COUNSELING assistance, along with medication.

Please be aware that depression, mood disorders, anxiety disorder -- they are different diagnoses needing different medications! One pill does not fit all! That's why there are psychiatrists! I recently found out that my primary doc knows little about antidepressants or he wouldn't have put me on an anticholesterol med that caused me to have a mood disorder! My psychiatrist realized the contraindication, but only after I had suffered months of 'weepy' behavior, and happened, in passing, to mention the new antichol med.

I am one of those with depression at a level that my brain is not making the seratonin it needs. I tried living without meds, but I didn't function well and my family suffered. I need antidepressants to function, period. I wish they were magical 'happy' pills - but they only allow me to better deal with daily life - which is a daily challenge. Oh, and I have two children, 7 years apart, and the youngest has type 1, juvenile diabetes.

[Christy]

Matt said it perfectly....if all you're gonna do is complain about kids then don't have them in the first place...I'd say it's a no-brainer, folks.

[The Mole]

Try having special-needs kids. There is exactly zero community support for that. Your children are outsiders. Instead of filling out forms for little league or t-ball, you're filling out forms for an unlimited number of specialists and doctors who just really want to take your money. And on top of the regular child-care duties, you're pouring out thousands of dollars and time for ineffective therapies. Your marriage is strained to the max as a result, since every conversation and interaction revolves around trying to help the children, not to mention the financial stress on the family. There is no "date night" for parents of special-needs kids. Holidays are a nightmare. Your kids don't even know what a Christmas gift is and they eat the wrapping paper.

I am such a parent and I am very close to going where the writer has (for meds).

I applaud her for publishing the article, most likely knowing she would catch alot of flack for it. As one responder put it, you would not deny someone medication for diabetes. If a parent can be more effective with medication, good for them for realizing their limits. Yes, there are better ways to deal with stress (healthy diet, exercise) but there isn't always time for these, even as a parent of regular children.

Give her a break. :[

[Money, Baby!]

My wife and I chose to have one, and one only. We are happy with the choice. Neither one of us has ever taken any medication to deal with the stress, and we both work full-time (though since we are both teachers, we have some vacation time we can spend with our child). Would we have liked to have had more? Yes. But this is not a collectable ("look, I have more stickers than you do!"). Having children is something one must consider very, very carefully. QUality before quantity.

[ctb]

Seriously?! Is this a subtle way of advertising 'mood enhancing' drugs? I agree that everyone is unique & what 1 person can handle, another my not be capable of, but really!Discipline & behaviour management are things you can LEARN - but only if you're willing. Appears that is 1 mom who is not.

& is she still getting behind the wheel while on those meds?

[REAL Mama]

Jen,
This mom does not seem to have an anxiety disorder. She SEEMS to be unwilling to work on her parenting skills rather than just realizing that her lack of heathy parenting techniques is what is causing her children to act out so much anyway!
Millions of people don't buy all of those books because they don't work. The more tools you have in your toolbox the better parent you will be. There are REAL anxiety disorders... from the information given... This is NOT one.

[REAL Mama]

I have 3 children that I stay at home with. Sure, there are times when things get crazy. Beautiful chaos is what I like to call it! It's what I signed up for:o) If you are melting down over a couple silly little fights about cd's then maybe parenting classes are what's in order, not PILLS! Your kids ARE what is suffering here. What kind of example are you setting?! That will be a great holiday story to tell when the kids are all grown up with their own kids... "Yeah! I just popped pills to deal with your bratty little butts!" You should be ashamed of yourself. There are real mental illnesses out there that require real medication. You are just a lazy mom looking for her "happy pill" rather than taking the more challenging route of actually PARENTING!

[Ericka]

Why would you have 3 kids if you can't handle it? Should have stuck to one. Husband works out of town, no relatives and you work....sounds like it's the kids suffering and not you.

[Camryn]

That's the problem with our society. We no longer know how to cope naturally, so we pop meds. This generation is sad, and today's kids are being raised the same way. "Don't feel good? Hey, here's a happy pill!" "Feeling a little sad? Hey, here ya go, take this!" It's like no one can just "suck it up and deal with it" anymore.

[Jen]

Kay, every single time I read your comments, I am annoyed. You live in a bubble. You're close minded and unrealistic. It is one thing to be stressed out or have some anxiety, but when you have an anxiety disorder, like this mom seems to have, prescription drugs are necessary.

[Mom of Two]

I read the entire article in the actual magazine (a little more info there) and have been thinking about it ever since.
My first thought was: "Wow, Katherine, you've got guts to put yourself out there and admit to this."
My second was: "Damn, if it's that easy maybe I should get some." (the full article mentions a women who just called in to a doctor and got a script over the phone.
My third thought: "NO!" If my kids are bratty and annoying (yes I've had the sore throat a few times too) then I need to deal with it. That med can't just target kid anxiety. It would also cover up work anxiety, marriage anxiety, dirty house anxiety, whatever. I for one would rather FEEL my own anxiety so I can hopefully FIX it.
KEEP IT REAL, so to speak. Thanks for the thought-provoking piece!

[Bob]

Every Mom's life is different. You don't know what kid of childhood they had or what their current life is like. It's really easy for you Kay and others like you to just to sit back and say suck it up. Well good for you. I'm sure your kids are super well adjusted angels who will only exist to benefit humanity. I support a Mom's right to get whatever help they need from their doctor to take care of any issues they may have. Maybe the woman and her doctor will make the best choice and maybe not but to just ignore a bad situation is not good. The biggest hurdle for many is even identifying there is a problem. I'll bet there are a lot of you that think everything is just fine but are you sure? To those that say "well you shouldn't have had kids" - some find the reality of actually having kids is very different than they pictured. Sometimes things change as the child grows like divorce, death, job loss, and illness. I'm sure there are many that take the "cop out" way and just medicate but to call somebody out without having walked the mile in her shoes?

Seems like many are choosing to make their comments without signing in to their typekey account.

[MN]

I hope I don't sound like a Scientologist, but I don't understand why so many people want to pollute their bodies with these anti-depressants.

Can't you learn to adapt to your life instead of numbing your problems with drugs? Your kids are going to learn to behave eventually, provided you discipline them.

This may sound harsh, but you seem like a weak person. There are people not as forunate as you that find ways to adapt without taking drugs.

[Kay]

Jenkins,
I am not even close to being a CO$ member. I am someone who actually spent over 10 years of my adult life living with someone who did have a clinical mental illness and who had to take medication for daily survival.
I speak as someone with a great deal of compassion for people with mental issues.
I speak as someone who knows first hand that docs can spend very little time with someone before agreeing to medicate them. I once had a prescription pushed at me for normal feelings of depression after the death of a parent and loss of a job at the same time by a doc that saw me once for 10 minutes. I refused them because my feelings were perfectly normal and I knew they would pass.
I highly encourage anyone who thinks they may need medication to seek the help of someone in the field of mental illness. MDs are not, imho, qualified to make such a diagnosis - and therefore should not be giving out xanax/paxil etc like they are candy. These are medications that can be highly dangerous and you should give serious thought to what goes into your body.
And, I agree with the poster that said you should just take away the CD until your children are ready to share.
Read some parenting books - they really are helpful.
Kay

[sm]

First of all, is the woman pictured in the clip art *supposed* to look like a semi-emaciated drug addict??? Not sure what type of message we're supposed to infer from that photo because her chest bones are so prominent and her head looks too big for her body.

Anyway, I read this column with great interest because I serve on a substance abuse coalition in my community. Appropriate prescribing standards are of great concern as RX drug abuse has become so prevalent. Hopefully her doctor is one of the responsible providers who doesn't just crank out the rx pad for everyone who comes in with a complaint. I see that Katherine said she underwent a thorough exam, so that's encouraging. She didn't reveal the medical diagnosis, but assuming that this is a medically sound/legitimate course of treatment, she was smart to seek help.

I think her column illustrates several key points worth discussing, among them reducing the stigma attached to seeking appropriate treatment for mental health issues.

While some people view anti-depressants as a cop out, please keep in mind that you wouldn't deny a diabetic the appropriate meds to correct their hormonal imbalance. So why criticize those who truly have a different type of chemical imbalance? If keeping the brain chemistry in check helps keep her more level-headed, it's to the benefit of her and her family; particularly as the primary caregiver. Everyone is different and the triggers that can unhinge one person might be things that another person would just shrug off as no big deal.

While I don't think mood enhancers are the solution for everyone who feels pressured, stressed out, or over-burdened, I don't think it's fair to automatically assume that a person is "copping out" by taking them.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're right L. Jenkins, doctors never prescribe meds to people who don't need them. What do you think keeps the whole industry running?

Yeah, you're so much smarter than the rest of us.

[L.Jenkins]

Cool, I am glad we have so many people that are so much smarter than the Doctor who prescribed the medication. Who knew that sptimes comments were full of such experts?

ITT: Scientologists

[Troy]

Too many people let their kids control them, and not the other way around. I think parents associate discpline with a lack of love. The fact is that kids need to be disciplined constantly.

This story is sad, but I give you credit for putting yourself out there. We are such a weak society. To think you need drugs in order to function is just sad. Maybe you should have thought two steps ahead before you decided to have kids.

[Matt]

If you wanted to have "me time", you shouldn't have had kids. Why do people feel like they HAVE to have kids and then constantly complain about it afterward. You know what you're getting into. It's perfectly okay to not have kids and live a meaningful life. The idea that you need to take drugs in order to live your life is just sad. I just don't understand why people pop out kids like it's mandatory and then spend the rest of their lives feeling like their head is below water.

[TC]

Too many people have kids that can't handle them! your the parent MAKE your kids do what you need them to do! P A R E N T!! If they drive you crazy over a cd TAKE THE DAMN THING AWAY AND BREAK IT...Or tell them when they can be civil to each other and get along they can have it back! My parents never hit us, they were just so loving and we cared about them so much that when they said we "dissappointed" them! That made us feel worse than if they HAD hit us! Wow...HUGE cop out lady!

[Mr.Fabulous]

Your kids would be a LOT better off if you got pissed and yelled when they behave badly.

[Kay]

Bob, how is swallowing a "mother's little helper" taking steps to resolve something? It's a cop out.
She gets a sitter every weekend, don't tell me she does not have time for trying other methods FIRST!
Katherine, I don't mean to give you a hard time and I certainly applaud your honesty. I would just prefer that you show your children how to resolve problem without resorting to drugs.
Kay

[Bob]

I would not be so hard on this Mom. She saw her problem and took steps to resolve it. Yes, maybe meds are not ideal but she is not the first and will not be the last. Docs have been prescribing meds to moms for over 50 years. I think in the scheme of things she made a good choice. She will be a happier person and therefore treat her family better. When she can make the time in the future or when she is ready, she can explore alternatives like stress therapy, yoga, or counseling. I'm glad you have found a solution for you Kay but every Mom or every person is not the same. I applaude any Mom who can recognize when there is a problem and take steps to resolve it. Many just continue on raising a dysfunctional family.

[Kay]

I find this very sad. You have to have self control in order for your children to see a good example.
We are an incredibly over medicated society. You should only take mood altering drugs if you have an actual chemical imbalance (mental illness).
Consider yourself lucky that you can afford a sitter every weekend. I, for one mom, never get that kind of a break. Does it make me nuts sometimes? Yes, but I choose not to yell at my family out of anger. Instead, discipline out of love and be a calming presence at home, in the car, not another child.
Kay