'Come along or Mom's going to leave you'

Just about everybody has a story of their own parents or they themselves telling a child to cut the crap and  come along or they are going to leave them in the store or park. It usually ends with a laugh about the tearful child chasing down the parents and never doing that again. But is this really a good thing to scare a kid like that?

I did something similar to this a couple weeks ago and I feel bad about it and don't think I'll ever do it again. I was at the library recently with an already grumpy 6 year old who said snottily, "No. I'm not going" And I tried a couple times to get him going. But then I said, "Okay you want to live at the library? That's too bad, because I wish you'd come with me. See you."

The car was right outside the library doors and I took my time loading up, fishing for my keys, etc. Finally I closed the doors and started the car and he came running and he had tears in his eyes.

I didn't like that feeling that I had scared him. I really think it was a bad choice on my part. Sure it "worked" but I don't think he should ever for a second believe I'd leave him somewhere.

I think if this ever happens again, I would instead take him to the side of the building, let him have a minute to cool off and then I will let him know that he can either walk to the car and we can go about our day or he will be carried to the car and spend the rest of the day in his room, going to bed early with no privileges. His choice. I know him well enough that it wouldn't come to that. He sometimes has a temper but if you give him a minute and a hug he gets over it.

-- Sharon Kennedy Wynne

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Who's right when differences arise over baby care?

As a new mom I expected to receive a lot of advice. In fact I clamor for it at times when my infant son is displaying some peculiar behavior or has an ailment.

But what about when your idea about what your baby needs differs from others? Often it's as simple as saying thanks and forgetting what they told you. But what about when those who give you the advice are caregivers of your child?

A girlfriend and I recently had this discussion. She and her husband were planning a trip to Vegas and she was going to leave her 4-month-old daughter with her mother-in-law. She feared she'd return home to a
infant with a head full of barrettes, since her mother in law had been urging her to "do her baby's hair" more often. My girlfriend felt it best to let her daughter's hair be free save a little Velcro bow taped to the side of her head every now and then. But how could she tell her mother in law not to pull her baby's hair into teeny tiny ponytails? And how would she enforce it thousands of miles away?

Sure it was only hair, but it was her baby's hair and didn't she have the right to dictate what was done to it?

I don't know if the answer to that question is so cut and dry.

Yes, she does have the right to request that certain styles not be done to her child's hair, but is it really necessary to dictate that? What would the harm really be if her mother in law put a gazillion plats in her daughters hair? As long as her hair wasn't being pulled to tight, who would it hurt?

What about when the issues are a little deeper than hair?

I took my son to the babysitter for the first time a few weeks ago. I use a private caregiver who watches children in her home. She is very hands on and prefers a more back-to-basics traditional approach to nourishing babies. So it was with no surprise when she told me she wanted to put applesauce in my son's bottle. I didn't have a problem with it, but I generally wait for the doctor to tell me its okay before I begin things with my son. What was I to do? My heart felt like it was time for him to have something more than milk and rice cereal but I hadn't gotten the okay from my doctor. He was only 3 months old, not the text book age for solids. I felt silly asking her to wait until i spoke to my doctor.

I could have told our babysitter no, but I decided to give her permission to feed him the sauce. Of course he loves it and at his next visit the doctor said "'sure, he's ready for apple sauce."

Now when my babysitter suggested I slather my son in olive oil instead of lotion, I decided against giving my permission.

Still, there are lessons to be learned in letting go of control over your child when they're not in your care. We must all learn to do it. It's a tightrope walk between mother's intuition, trust in your caregiver and common sense. Because in the end a child is better off when they are able to experience various ways of doing things. As long as they're safe and taken care of, what's the harm?

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times mom

How do you break finger sucking?

My daughter sucks the two middle fingers on her left hand. She started about a month after she was born. She spit out her pacifier and since then, her fingers have been her way of self-soothing.

Now, at 17-months with a mouth full of teeth, her father is concerned. He sees braces in her future. And so the two battle it out over finger sucking. I’ve taken my daughter’s side.

Funny thing is, if she whimpers at 3 a.m. and we hear that distinct finger-sucking sound amplified by the baby monitor, it’s never a problem then.

Some doctors say finger sucking causes few problems until permanent teeth come in. Although I think it’s cute and efficient now, I do not want to be the parent of a teenage or adult finger-sucker. I also have some concerns about germs. My daughter’s been battling colds and sinus infections lately. Surely, those fingers in her mouth don’t help.

So what to do? Every time my husband sees our daughter sucking her fingers, he pulls them out. She puts them right back in. For her, it’s become a game. Random strangers and family members also think it appropriate to pull my girl’s fingers out of her mouth. I want to pop them. Haven’t they ever heard the axiom, “Look but don’t touch?”

Me? I let my daughter soothe herself. It brings her comfort and a few moments of peace and quiet for me.

My hubby and I know we can’t keep going on like this. We’ve got to put up a unified front. But on this issue, we’re really divided. And that’s no stand at all.

-- Sherri Day

Summer camp horror story No. 3: My kid doesn't want to go to camp!

Has this ever happened to any other Mommas out there: My daughter has a specific camp that she loves to go to and she has attended that already this summer. But while we were selecting camps, she saw another one that she wanted to try. It was kind of expensive but we decided that it was fine since she wanted to try something new.

On the day of the new camp, she said that she didn't want to go. Then, when we got there, she still complained that she wanted to go back to her old camp: "I don't know anybody here." That's right, none of her elementary school classmates are in this camp and even I thought the camp seemed a little "young" for her. Because she was insisting that she did not want to be there, I ended up staying with her for a while to convince her to stay.

I told her that she had to at least try one day, that maybe she would make a new friend and that this would be something different. I didn't bring up the money because that's not really her concern but believe me, it's on my mind.

So what should I do: Even if she doesn't like it, should I make her go back the whole week -- you know, not let her quit something that she asked to do? Or should I let her stay at home with my mom, thus wasting the money we already paid for the camp? I don't want her to be unhappy, especially since it's summer -- her time to have fun and be free. Still, she has to be responsible for the choices she makes.

-- Times Momma

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I'm still the mom!

My daughters are 8 and 3, and for that long I've been the mom of the house. Naturally, right? So how does one month away from home make me persona non grata? Make me totally invisible when it comes to discipline or just plain listening to what I say?

Since I left for a temporary assignment in Tallahassee, I've driven home every weekend to be with my family. During those short visits, there has been a ton of fun, but also, a ton of frustration.

It's like my voice is unrecognizable to their ears, because certainly, they don't move when I use it. And, of course, that escalates any situation so soon enough I've got one of them in the corner in tears. Ugh!

Last weekend, I sat down to dinner with the girls, while my husband was out. All was dandy until the 3-year-old decided she'd rather play piano than sit and eat her pasta. I calmly got her back to the table. Once, twice, three times. She would sit for maybe one bite, then start wandering. Who's daughter is this, I thought? I finally had no choice but to put her in the corner for not listening to me. Cue tears.

Like this assignment, I hope their behavior is only temporary.

-- Amy Hollyfield

OMG! Have u seen ur text bill?

Mommas of teens struggle over how much, if any, amount of texting is going on under their kids' thumbs. An Orlando teen has twice racked up more than 35,000 texts in a month. Lucky for her, her family has an unlimited texting plan or I'm sure there would be some severe consequences. (Maybe there should be anyway!) In a lively debate among some of my friends, I found three distinct texting camps:

Denial
A mom I know doesn't let her kids text and can't see it happening anytime soon because she sees no value it in. This sounds like old fogeyism to me and I called her on it. So what if it's stupid to type in "hey whassup" instead of just calling a friend? It's what they like. She argued that schools are fed up with the texting in class. The kids even have a very funny term for the talent of secretly texting under the desk with one hand.  But there are consequences there and at home (or at least there should be) if they are caught texting at school. They lose the phone.

All access
Another mom I know ponyed up for the unlimited text plan because it was just too much of a hassle monitoring the growing text bills and checking it every day to make sure Junior wasn't busting the budget with vital messages like RU OK? She's discovered she likes to text now, too. It's a fast way to get a status update on her teen and she secretly feels a lot cooler than her techno-phobic friends.

Budget lesson
Another friend noticed her son's text message account was getting closer and closer to his 400-message limit each month. She was tempted to go with an unlimited plan, but then it occurred to her this is a great way to teach budgeting. She showed her son the bill and said he was close to being out of text messages. He could either turn it off for the next 10 days or he could pay for any overage himself out of his allowance. He decided to pay up. Another mom I know bought her daughter a Tracfone, one of those pay-as-you-go type cell phones that you load with minutes. The parents pay about $20 every five weeks toward minutes and she buys any extras. Since she has to pay for it, she is very careful about the minutes. An added bonus is when she loses the phone, which has happened a couple times, it's not as big of a deal since they're as cheap as $15, and they make her buy the replacement.

The issue isn't going away. More than 80 percent of teens have cell phones because parents like their kids to be accessible. The average teen, according to one study, sends 50-70 text messages a day because they like the instant access to friends. The big bonus? They are a mom-avoidance device. They'd rather text than talk.

-- Sharon Kennedy Wynne

And now for something funny on Hump Day

I don't know how this summer Internet sensation passed me by, but I cracked up at a You Tube video sent to me by a friend. She got it from her own mom, of course, because it's the soundtrack of our lives, the things a mom says in the course of a day set to the tune of the William Tell overture by Christian comedian Anita Renfroe of Atlanta. (Note the comments by teens on there saying "Gawd, I hate hearing this every day.")

I especially liked getting this on Wednesday when I am chin deep in things to do and losing patience fast. Expect to hear me humming along

Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head. . . .

Here is a version with subtitles.

-- Sharon Kennedy Wynne

My weekend parenting test

I admit I am not supermom. Being a workaholic, I've missed a lot of parenting lessons. So when left alone with my daughters for an entire weekend, I often have to call my husband wherever he is to ask things like: How much medicine does the little one get? What will she eat besides kielbasa? Where are the light bulbs?

Were I male, this ineptitude would be more accepted, if not totally expected. Case in point: pop music critic Sean Daly's weekend with his girls. But I feel pretty darn great about my days as cruise director.

Saturday

• Color Me Mine in Hyde Park, for pottery painting. Fun way to spend a couple of hours with both girls, ages 8 and 3. Cost: Should have been $42, including studio time for both girls ($14) and the pottery they selected. But we had gift certificates from their birthdays, so it was free. 
• Next, we walked around Hyde Park and did some shopping at Pottery Barn Kids and Learning Express. I call this play time. Pottery Barn Kids has loads of fun stuff around the store, from toy kitchens to dollhouses to a teepee. The girls could have stayed all day. Cost: Free!
• We then had lunch at Beef 'O' Brady's. It was noon on a football Saturday, so the place was crowded with lots of families trying to entertain their kids and catch their favorite games. Both girls got a hot dog and I got to eat, too! Cost: $17.63
• After getting the little one home for her afternoon nap, we ventured to Jan Kaminis Platt Library in South Tampa. The girls poured through the books and DVDs, both checking out an armful of things. Cost: Free!
• More stores as playdates. We hit Barnes & Noble and Borders. I admit I'm usually a softie for the "Can't we just pick one book?" line, but I held my ground and made it out the door without a meltdown. Cost: Free!
• Then it was home for dinner, which I survived by cooking pasta, scrambled eggs and, you guessed it, kielbasa. We watched a show from one of the library DVDs and it was off to bed at 8 p.m. HOORAY!

Sunday

• Most of the morning was filled with church and Sunday school. While my older one was in class, I took the younger one to Starbucks for a glazed donut and some milk she wouldn't drink. Guess my willpower was waning in the latter hours. Cost: About $6, including my hot chocolate.
• After a great lunch where the girls and I told funny stories over taquitos and raisins, the 3-year-old went down for her nap. Shortly after she woke up, my husband came home!

I told him everything we did and he was like, "How much money did you spend?!!" I guess I've earned a reputation for treating the girls when I have them alone, as much for the entertainment possibilities as anything. But I was good this weekend and so were the girls.

-- Amy Hollyfield 

The sleep smackdown

"One more drink!" 

"My baby needs pajamas!"

"I need the light on!"

"I don’t want to sleep with the purple monkey!"

"You need to read another book!"

On and on she goes, and I know she is playing me. Now it doesn’t come all at once. It’s a demand here, a desire there. Each time it seems sort of reasonable and each time I sort of give in.

A few minutes later, there’s just one more thing she needs . . . .

I toy with saying no, and sometimes I do. But part of me takes over, the part that really wants her to go to sleep so that I can have peace and quiet and finally sit down and eat dinner and not have someone yelling in my ear because if I don’t experience quiet in the next few minutes, I’m going to lose my mind.

My heart is racing as I try at once to calm her and to keep her from running the show. I say goodnight one more time and retreat into the family room. There, I did it.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. “MOMMMMMMMMY!!!!!”

Ugh.

-- Amy Hollyfield

Mom vs. daughter room-cleaning throwdown

Remember me, the mom who does everything for her kid because it's easier than fighting? When I stopped picking up my 8-year-old daughter's room, it got really bad. I'm pretty sure the dog peed on a pile of clothes by the beanbag chair, but who could tell?

And my daughter got mad at me, especially when she couldn’t find her fave pair of shorts with cute little turtles on the butt. Sigh ...

But I stuck it out. I didn’t nag. I didn't pick up a thing for about a week. And -- this is sooo boring -- it worked. She cleaned up her room.

I think daddy-dear -- desperate to keep the peace -- may have picked up the pile of towels on the bathroom floor, but hey, isn't that a victory in itself?

One problem: It's been a couple of days and the clothes are piling up.

Here we go again.

-- Kelly Smith, Times mom