Spanking and yelling -- are they really the same thing?

Brush your teeth," I say for the umpteenth time. My preschooler responds by continuing to ignore me, even though I've already taken away his privilege of listening to the Wiggles on the way to school. He's off in his own world, playing with the hand towel or whatever thing he can use as a way to stall. Never mind that his dallying makes him late to preschool and me late for work.

Finally I do the only thing that seems to get his attention. "BRUSH YOUR TEETH!" I shout.He might cry a little, but it works. I feel bad, he feels bad, but the teeth get brushed and we make it out the door. But hey, I congratulate myself for keeping my home a no-spank zone.

Now the experts are telling me that I'm no better than the parents who used to whack us in advance for all the misbehaving we might do that day.

"I’ve worked with thousands of parents and I can tell you, without question, that screaming is the new spanking,” said Amy McCready, the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, which teaches parenting skills in classes, individual coaching sessions and an online course. Her comments appear in a New York Times story about how today's parents, who would never lay a hand on their children, resort to yelling because they feel at a loss for a disciplinary method that works.

I have to admit I feel their pain. I have read What to Expect - the Toddler Years and came away frustrated. Their answer to nearly everything is to give in or negotiate. Child won't get ready for school? Then you need to get up even earlier to allow for all their dawdling. Child won't eat dinner? Then you have to fix something else. Child refuses to poop in the potty at nearly age 4? Then you need to just let THEM decide when they are ready.

Now comes this story that says we can't even raise our voices. One of the suggestions offered was for Momma to take a time out. That's fine, but what if you do that and Junior STILL won't brush his teeth?

I don't like to yell. But sometimes it's the only thing left. And I don't always have time to go create some kind of crafty reward chart or some other cute gimmicky thing. I do have stickers that I give on days when my son is being exceptionally good, but sometimes children are just going to test you to see how much they can get away with.

I also fear that in worrying about the occasional shouting, we are raising a generation of kids who can't deal with any challenge or adversity. In the real world, not everyone gets a trophy. Some bosses correct your work with red pens. Just showing up for work is not enough to earn a bonus. If that's all you do, your boss might even yell.

Lisa Buie, Times mom

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'Come along or Mom's going to leave you'

Just about everybody has a story of their own parents or they themselves telling a child to cut the crap and  come along or they are going to leave them in the store or park. It usually ends with a laugh about the tearful child chasing down the parents and never doing that again. But is this really a good thing to scare a kid like that?

I did something similar to this a couple weeks ago and I feel bad about it and don't think I'll ever do it again. I was at the library recently with an already grumpy 6 year old who said snottily, "No. I'm not going" And I tried a couple times to get him going. But then I said, "Okay you want to live at the library? That's too bad, because I wish you'd come with me. See you."

The car was right outside the library doors and I took my time loading up, fishing for my keys, etc. Finally I closed the doors and started the car and he came running and he had tears in his eyes.

I didn't like that feeling that I had scared him. I really think it was a bad choice on my part. Sure it "worked" but I don't think he should ever for a second believe I'd leave him somewhere.

I think if this ever happens again, I would instead take him to the side of the building, let him have a minute to cool off and then I will let him know that he can either walk to the car and we can go about our day or he will be carried to the car and spend the rest of the day in his room, going to bed early with no privileges. His choice. I know him well enough that it wouldn't come to that. He sometimes has a temper but if you give him a minute and a hug he gets over it.

-- Sharon Kennedy Wynne

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Toddlers and restaurants leave mom breathless

At my house, we’ve been through many of the firsts, including walking, birthdays and holidays. Now, we’re tackling potty training. My daughter’s taking to it, mostly because she likes the applause she gets when she hits her mark.

But there’s one milestone we’ve yet to achieve. We still haven’t mastered the art of eating out at restaurants. And at this point, I’m coming undone. I cringe when we receive dinner invites for the entire family. Why? Because I know what’s to come: wiggling, whining, begging to get out of the high chair and very little eating for the little tike or her parents.

Recently, me, my hubby, our 19-month-old daughter and some friends went out to eat at the Olive Garden. What was supposed to be a nice after-church meal turned into a wrestling match. I thought I’d done all the right things to prepare. I had snacks to occupy her until something tastier arrived. I had juice boxes ready for the sipping and even a few toys for her amusement. Still, total chaos reigned. My tot moved from one set of arms to the next and alternated between waving at other diners who sat nearby and running over to talk to them. She’s cute – I really am not biased – but she needs to sit down.

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve become the mother of that child. At my daughter’s age, the little crayons the wait staff gives her are little more than scud missiles or an unwelcome appetizer. Needless to say, during our Olive Garden outing we ate a bit, got the wait staff to pack up our meal and then headed home.

This scenario has repeated itself at a host of eateries ranging from the Cheesecake Factory to Golden Corral, where I was sure my toddler would fare better because there was no wait for food. Um, no dice!

My husband and I keep trying to eat out because we know we need to train her. But, honestly, it’s a lot easier to eat at home, where she exhibits a lot more self control. There she actually sits, eats and, wonder of all wonders, behaves.

I read some place that taking toddlers for a walk between ordering and the arrival of food can help maintain calm. I tried that recently when my family went to brunch at a fancy buffet restaurant. It worked for a while and then my girl was ready to move. I only got her to calm down when I took her out of her high chair and spoke a few stern words in her ear. The tornado passed, for about three minutes.

I’ve been working on my mean Momma routine, which includes a disapproving look, no-nonsense tone and punishment such as making her sit or lie down until she can straighten up. But those tools don’t seem to work when we’re dining out.

AHHHHHH, check please!

-- Sherri Day

People who do not punish their kids

I was poking around one of my favorite parenting advice sites, run by Jane Nelsen of the Positive Discipline series, and I have to admit after all these years of using her advice with great success, I still wince when she urges parents not to punish their children. I know what she's getting at, and I would say my discipline plan is based on finding solutions rather than meting out punishment. But I worry this kind of statement feeds the stereotype that people who don't spank let their kids run hog wild with no consequences.

The reality is far from it. There are consequences for actions, but the focus of this kind of discipline plan zeroes in on the word "disciple" that discipline is derived from and stresses teaching what they should do instead of punishing for what they shouldn't.

So if the child is hitting a friend, for example, you grab that hand and say "We don't hit, hitting hurts. I will not let you play here if you are hurting your friend." Then you talk about why he was hitting. He was frustrated? He was angry? You talk about what he should say or do if he's frustrated or angry. You then also give lots of attention and apologies to the friend he hit. Some would follow that up with a 2-minute time out or even a spanking as punishment, but Nelsen wouldn't. You've already identified the problem and taught a solution. She thinks adding punishment makes a child pay for their mistakes instead of learning from them.

You can read here how I stopped my toddler from biting in one week through a series of prevention, separation when he bit, and teaching him what to do instead when he's feeling out of control. I ignored the advice to bite him back or use hot sauce because it wasn't necessary if you have a comprehensive approach. Also, that just would teach him that bad behavior begets bad behavior.

I think it's semantics. The child feels punished if the play date ends because of misbehavior or they lose the right to ride their bicycle because the ignored the road rules. But I do agree that if your focus is only on punishment you won't solve the problems in the long run.

-- Sharon Kennedy Wynne

Summer camp horror story No. 1

The other day my husband picked up my 8-year-old daughter from summer day camp with the city of Tampa Parks and Recreation. She was withdrawn, upset and pale.

Turns out, she says that she and a friend had been threatened by another 8-year-old, upset about some problem with the computer. As my daughter tells it, the girl said: "You better tell your friend to watch it, because I've got a knife in my backpack and I'm going to get it and stab her."

What?? Seriously? My daughter walked away from the threatening girl, but did not tell anyone in charge.

My husband took up the incident with the counselors and checked on my daughter's friend. The girl in question was pulled out of camp, her backpack searched (nothing found) and sent home. She was not allowed to come back the next day, but returned after that.

Meanwhile, my daughter is like, what is going on? And I'm like, how can I send her back there? I have awful thoughts in my head about the girl sneaking any blunt instrument into her backpack and using it against another camper. And then I think, it's probably just something she heard and it's not really something to worry about. And what I really want is for the kids to be constantly supervised so things like this don't happen -- or escalate.

But come on, isn't my daughter too young for this? We had a long talk about sticking with her friends, staying away from the girl and keeping an eye out for counselors. She went back today without complaint, with the girl in attendance, too. (She did worry that the girl would make up stuff to get her in trouble for payback. I'm like, well, yes, that could happen.)

This Momma is worried sick. So are her friend's Mommas. Can't we just enjoy the summer?

-- Amy Hollyfield

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Toddler Tantrums

Let’s get this straight. I am from a family that believed in putting belt to behind when children acted up. And since I’m fully disclosing here, I’m a country girl and can remember my grandmother going out to a peach tree and picking a switch off the tree to keep disobedient little ones in line.

What I don’t remember is getting spankings. Maybe it was the fear of said spankings that kept my behind and legs largely belt and switch free. But the point is, I knew what could happen if I crossed the line. So, I rarely did.

Now, enter me and my 21st-century hubby. We have a toddler whose tantrums are escalating. She seems to delight in figuring out just how far she can go before mommy and daddy have to raise our voices. When we tell her ‘No,’ or take away something she wants, she gives an Oscar-worthy dramatic performance. She doesn’t fall out. But as she struggles to find her words, she gets more satisfaction out of flailing her arms about and stomping her feet. And, now, she throws things. Upset with what’s in her sippy cup? Watch out, incoming Gerber missile. Mad that she can’t eat crayons? Here we go again.

Yes, yes, yes. I get that she’s frustrated. And nurturer aside, I know I’m supposed to toe the line and discipline her. But what does that discipline look like? We are not spanking her. We don’t want to teach her to hit. We don't want to hurt her, and we don’t want to go to jail. Studies also show that spanking now can lead to big problems later. 

So, we’re re-directing. Or we turn our attention to something else when she has her fits. After a few seconds, the tantrum usually passes. But what in the name of Nanny 911 is this about? And, more importantly, how do we handle it?

-- Sherri Day

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Almost to that golden age: 4 years old

It's been four joyous, challenging years, but my little girl is almost there. Almost to that golden age of  toddlerdom, as I call it, when her big-girl instincts kick in and she's a joy to take almost anywhere. Tantrums are scarce, curiosity is fierce and fun is first rate.

Almost since she was born, I've been waiting for her 4th birthday. That's about the time my older daughter turned the corner of early childhood. And, about the time I got pregnant with the little one. I relished the time before the baby, knowing full well my days of freedom were numbered. Not that having a 4-year-old was easy, but my husband and I both recognized the flexibility her maturing personality allowed.

Now we're closing in on that milestone with the baby. And I couldn't be happier. I've struggled many times these first few years, knowing I couldn't take her certain places because of her volatile nature (okay, that may be too harsh a word, but you mommas know what I mean). Usually it meant splitting the family up: Daddy/Big Sis here, Mommy/Little Sis there, or vice versa. With so little family time to begin with, the separations were painful. Some times, we just didn't go anywhere at all. Certainly, it was easier that way.

And who isn't ready to leave the tantrums behind? I've seen so many tears today alone, I'm eager to move on to happier days. Just a couple more months of the 3's and I'm there!

-- Amy Hollyfield

I'm still the mom!

My daughters are 8 and 3, and for that long I've been the mom of the house. Naturally, right? So how does one month away from home make me persona non grata? Make me totally invisible when it comes to discipline or just plain listening to what I say?

Since I left for a temporary assignment in Tallahassee, I've driven home every weekend to be with my family. During those short visits, there has been a ton of fun, but also, a ton of frustration.

It's like my voice is unrecognizable to their ears, because certainly, they don't move when I use it. And, of course, that escalates any situation so soon enough I've got one of them in the corner in tears. Ugh!

Last weekend, I sat down to dinner with the girls, while my husband was out. All was dandy until the 3-year-old decided she'd rather play piano than sit and eat her pasta. I calmly got her back to the table. Once, twice, three times. She would sit for maybe one bite, then start wandering. Who's daughter is this, I thought? I finally had no choice but to put her in the corner for not listening to me. Cue tears.

Like this assignment, I hope their behavior is only temporary.

-- Amy Hollyfield

God, what if I lose him?

Family vacations are usually just the three of us: Mom, Dad, six-year-old. Which means we spend a lot of time acting as our son's playmate in kiddie pools, gooney golf courses and arcades.

So I wasn't entirely surprised when he asked if he could bring a friend on our weekend get-away to the Nickelodeon Hotel. (At least he's stopped asking for a baby brother.)

Surprising myself, I said "yes," and in two days we'll be a gang of four heading to Orlando.

For now, I'm freaking out a little. What if the kid wants to go home in the middle of the night? What if he won't eat? Or he gets lost? Or he's really naughty? I can't threaten to toss the Nintendo of some other Momma's baby out the window for bad behavior -- can I?

Any advice for handling Other People's Children?

My toddler won't listen to me!

"No!" my 2 and a half year old screamed as he stood, back to the bathroom wall like a mad cat. "No!"

You'd think I was asking him to walk across hot coals. In reality, all I wanted him to do was let me put on his overnight diaper and Elmo pajamas.
"Make a good choice," I say, trying to sound sweet through gritted teeth. The good choice/bad choice technique is the one they use at his day care. For me it's usually a waste of time.

"No," he says defiantly again and smacks me on the chest with his toddler-sized hand.

The door opens. It's my husband, who's been in the office on Facebook. He quickly sizes things up and firmly tells our son what he WILL do. Never mind that I also tried that approach and got nowhere.

Instant compliance. I seethe. Why does he get results with so little effort?

The feminist in me fumes. Is it because as the woman of the couple I inherently command less respect? Is it because I breastfed him for 13 months? Because I kiss the boo-boos? Because my husband is the one who has the upper body strength to playfully toss him on our bed as they wrestle around after his bath?

I vent to a colleague with young sons. Turns out she has the same problem.
We both wonder: Would it have been different with a daughter?

I don't know. All I know is that my husband gets better behavior. When he does put our son in the timeout chair, he stays. When I put him in there, he gets up repeatedly. Or he just laughs.

Am I doing something wrong? I don't know. I just wish it would stop. As a woman I already feel I get less respect from society. Do I have to put up with it from my own son?

-- Lisa Buie, Times mom