Who's right when differences arise over baby care?

As a new mom I expected to receive a lot of advice. In fact I clamor for it at times when my infant son is displaying some peculiar behavior or has an ailment.

But what about when your idea about what your baby needs differs from others? Often it's as simple as saying thanks and forgetting what they told you. But what about when those who give you the advice are caregivers of your child?

A girlfriend and I recently had this discussion. She and her husband were planning a trip to Vegas and she was going to leave her 4-month-old daughter with her mother-in-law. She feared she'd return home to a
infant with a head full of barrettes, since her mother in law had been urging her to "do her baby's hair" more often. My girlfriend felt it best to let her daughter's hair be free save a little Velcro bow taped to the side of her head every now and then. But how could she tell her mother in law not to pull her baby's hair into teeny tiny ponytails? And how would she enforce it thousands of miles away?

Sure it was only hair, but it was her baby's hair and didn't she have the right to dictate what was done to it?

I don't know if the answer to that question is so cut and dry.

Yes, she does have the right to request that certain styles not be done to her child's hair, but is it really necessary to dictate that? What would the harm really be if her mother in law put a gazillion plats in her daughters hair? As long as her hair wasn't being pulled to tight, who would it hurt?

What about when the issues are a little deeper than hair?

I took my son to the babysitter for the first time a few weeks ago. I use a private caregiver who watches children in her home. She is very hands on and prefers a more back-to-basics traditional approach to nourishing babies. So it was with no surprise when she told me she wanted to put applesauce in my son's bottle. I didn't have a problem with it, but I generally wait for the doctor to tell me its okay before I begin things with my son. What was I to do? My heart felt like it was time for him to have something more than milk and rice cereal but I hadn't gotten the okay from my doctor. He was only 3 months old, not the text book age for solids. I felt silly asking her to wait until i spoke to my doctor.

I could have told our babysitter no, but I decided to give her permission to feed him the sauce. Of course he loves it and at his next visit the doctor said "'sure, he's ready for apple sauce."

Now when my babysitter suggested I slather my son in olive oil instead of lotion, I decided against giving my permission.

Still, there are lessons to be learned in letting go of control over your child when they're not in your care. We must all learn to do it. It's a tightrope walk between mother's intuition, trust in your caregiver and common sense. Because in the end a child is better off when they are able to experience various ways of doing things. As long as they're safe and taken care of, what's the harm?

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times mom

Should my baby be on a schedule?

As I approach the end of my maternity leave I’m really starting to freak out about how my husband and I will manage the new schedule. It seems like we just figured out our current routine and now it’s about to change.

In preparation for the new routine, I decided to take a look at what other moms of infants are doing. I stumbled across this interesting post. There are a variety of schedules from stay-at-home moms and working moms, breastfed and formula fed.

I decided to put my current schedule on paper to see how it stacked up against other moms.

Our schedule pretty much works like this:

Our son wakes up around 4 a.m. – I feed him a 4 oz. bottle and he’s usually back to sleep within an hour. Around 8 a.m. he’s up again. We hear him crying on the monitor. My hubby goes in his room to get him and brings him back to bed with us. We have a little family time (my favorite part of the day) and then I feed him a bottle while daddy gets ready for work. Baby usually goes back to sleep and wakes up around 11 a.m. When he wakes up I feed him a 4 oz. bottle. We play a little, do some tummy time and get him dressed. After a little house work I run errands. Baby usually sleeps for about 30 minutes in between trips in the car seat. We’re usually home by 4 p.m.when I feed him a 6 oz. bottle.  I put him in the Baby Bjorn and we walk the dog.  He’s down for a short nap around 5 p.m. and wakes up when dad gets home around 6ish. They play and cuddle for a bit while I finish dinner. Sometimes we put baby in his swing and dad and I catch up over a glass of wine. Between 7 and 9 p.m we eat dinner. At 9 baby gets a bath, story time and a nice 6 oz. bottle with rice in it. He’s asleep by 10ish.

On most days it works out. And then there are times when we all fall asleep at 8:30 and nobody’s taken a bath. And other times where we all stay up until midnight playing.

So what’s your schedule like? How does it differ from mine? Any suggestions about what needs to be tweaked to prepare for me going back to work?

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times Mom

[Jupiterimages]

Time away from baby -- cue the guilt!

As I type this I’m sitting in my mother-in-law’s kitchen drinking coffee and watching the news, checking my social networking sites and contemplating what my day will consist of.

Wait!

I’m a mother. Shouldn’t I be tending to baby?

Among the perks of visiting family is moms get a break. And I’ve been getting plenty. So why do I feel so darn guilty?

Part of it comes from having a baby at 30. It’s not like I’m a really young mom who depends on family to help her rear her child. I’m perhaps the best suited for this motherhood thing. Married, gainfully employed, no criminal record and lots of time to share with my little one. Sometimes I feel like I should be so engulfed in motherhood that I shouldn’t get a break.

Crazy you say? Indeed.

I’m planning to go out with a friend tonight and probably have a really good time. I’ll probably even get a little tipsy (pray tell!) But I have a feeling I will be out on my third margarita when I get this wash of guilt that sends me straight home. My mother in law has assured me that I should not feel guilty. That it’s perfectly fine to take a break … even a long break … even maybe rent a hotel room and just pamper myself while she watches the baby.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to stay away for a whole night. I feel like I’m taking my first breath in the morning when I see my little guy. How ever will I survive?

The truth is I need the space. I need the time. I need the sleep! And I’m going to take it. Because at the end of the day there aren’t many people that I would trust my child with more than my mother in law. He will be well fed, clean and safe. And what’s more he’ll learn his grandmother’s face, her smell and her touch. He’ll get a chance to spend time with someone other than his mommy and in the end I think that’s what’s best for baby and me.

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times Mom

Baby on Board: Traveling with an infant

As my maternity leave dwindles – I return to work in about two months – I thought to myself: How can I maximize this time. What have I always wanted to do but never had the time?

It occurred to me that I had not been able to spend more than a week visiting with family and friends since, well, college. A few weeks bouncing between Virginia, Maryland and Washington D.C., with the baby would be splendid.

But the very thought of traveling on an airplane with my infant was scary. Not only was I afraid of the bonanza of germs that is an airport, I worried that he might have a major meltdown on the plane and I’d become one of “those people”.  You know the mom that people who don't have kids hate because she  can’t quiet her squalling baby. And how would I pack for almost a month away from home with a baby?

With a lot of research and planning, I relied heavily on this Web site, I am happy to report that baby and I landed in Washington D.C. with our reputations intact.

Here's what worked for me:

A practice trip -- A few weeks before his first plane ride, I took an overnight trip to Orlando with my son. Just he and I hit the road, visited with a girlfriend who was in town and stayed at a hotel. He did well and that was encouraging.

His age -- At 31/2 months, my son can hold his head up well and has had enough shots to protect him from the really nasty germs out there. In fact I scheduled a doctor's appointment for him on the day that we
were traveling. He was getting his second round of shots and I knew I'd have to give him Tylenol every four hours afterwards. (I by no means am advocating drugging your baby for travel, but let's just say this was good timing on my part).

Thinking ahead -- I knew it would be laborious enough getting myself and my son and his stroller through the airport. I didn't want to be bogged down with anymore big items than necessary (besides airlines charge for checked bags now) So I mailed his pack-n-play, which includes a bassinet for sleeping, to my parent's house a week before my trip. That was one big item that I didn't have to worry about lugging.

Timing is everything -- My flight left at 1:30 p.m. and we flew on a Wednesday. It was a low-traffic time for the airport and in fact we were able to have an aisle of seats all to ourselves since the plane wasn't full.

A good carry-on -- I worked on my carry-on for two days straight (no lie). I wanted to make sure I had all my bases covered since this would be my best defense against "crazy mom and baby on board" fiasco. The
regular diaper bag fare was included -- change of clothes, diapers, wipes and bottles. But I also included things like apple sauce (a special treat), his favorite books, toys and blankets. A towel (for especially messy spit-up), three pacifiers (in case one was lost or got dropped) and a jacket for him in case the plane was drafty.

In hindsight I probably wouldn't have purchased a seat for my son since I held him the majority of the time. And among the hardest parts of the flight was changing his diaper in the lavarotory. Let's just say those things are certainly not equipped for that experience. And I'd bring a little gift for the flight attendants. They were especially helpful on my flight and I would have loved to give them a token of appreciation.

I'm happy to say we de-planed in Washington D.C., without one meltdown and I even managed to get in a cat nap. The experience left me liberated and hopeful that I might have a good little travel companion
on my hands.

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times mom

My baby likes TV!

I have a confession to make: M y baby likes television.

As a new mom life can be hectic. And there are times when I just need my three-month old son to stay put in a nice, safe, confined place.

And at this point, the Boppy lounger  just isn’t cutting it.

So these days I’m utilizing a little bouncer chair that sort of reminds me of a baby recliner. The trick is to cover my son with his favorite silky blanket and click on a colorful cartoon and voila’ you’ve got one content infant.

And to think I fought my husband tooth and nail about putting a TV in the baby’s room. I didn’t want it there. But he argued that during those late night feedings, I might get a little bored. I grumbled, but conceded. And I must say, he was right about the feedings.

And now I must admit I’m doing something else I said I wouldn’t do – allowing the TV to babysit my infant.

But truly there are times when I don’t have a choice. Days when the to-do list is stacked so high I can’t see tomorrow. And with an increasingly mobile infant, I need to find a place to plant him for a bit while I chop down my tasks.

I’ll admit it worries me a little bit. A few days ago I walked in my son’s room and he was actually laughing and cooing at the screen while watching Curious George.

Could he possibly understand what was going on, I thought? And was the television beginning to be more interesting than mommy and daddy?

I decided to do some research. And of course, just like everything else involving babies, there is controversy.

The American Academy of Pediatrics says letting babies watch TV can lead to attention deficit problems. More importantly it takes away from face-to-face contact with baby and parent, which is instrumental to them learning to talk and socialize.

I can understand the concerns, but who has the time to engage their baby 24/7? Like anything I used my “mommy judgement” for this one.

I’ll opt for TV every now and then when I really need to get something done. And if I do, it’s PBS or a Baby Einstein DVD. And afterwards, I give him a big dose of mommy and me time. I think he still likes me more than Curious George, but I can’t be sure.

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times mom

When are solid foods okay for infants?

It began with a simple taste of a smidge of watermelon and my 3 ½ month old was hooked. Every time he  saw my husband and I put a morsel of food in our mouth, he reached for it and fretted when we wouldn’t give him any.

I had created a monster.

Prior to this fascination with solid food, I had been giving him between 6 and 8 ounces of milk roughly every four to five hours. Recently, I had begun adding rice cereal to his bottles. He is a good eater. So when I saw him take an interest in food I began to think maybe it was time to try a little.

My babysitter had already suggested putting applesauce in his bottles. And I noticed that when she did, he seemed more satisfied.

But for everyone who says a hungry baby is indication that they need real food, there is another person who will tell you to wait until the baby is four to six months before giving them anything other than milk.

I consulted my doctor.

What I learned was that introducing food to babies is more about how much the baby weighs and their activity than some hard and fast age rule. For example, most babies are ready to eat solid food when they have doubled their body weight. For my son that means right about now. And yes, curiosity about food is also an indicator.

These days I’m taking it slow. I made my first batch of homemade baby food the other day – a cup of steamed carrots mixed with apple sauce in the food processor. My little one gobbled up a serving and was content. In between bottles I will either give him a serving of carrots or apple sauce. It’s awesome seeing him experience new tastes and textures. And it’s even better that his mood seems a little more peppy.

-- Nicole Hutcheson, new Times Mom and Deal Diva

Hey baby, what's your story?

My first baby had to be delivered early because I developed preeclampsia at 37 weeks. I was induced with pitocin at 7 a.m. and got an epidural several hours later when I was dilated to five centimeters. Once my doctor broke my water I began pushing and pushing. Apparently I hadn’t paid enough attention to the breathing and pushing instructions in our child birth class. But my sweet husband had retained at least one .

Out teacher told the husbands they shouldn’t leave their wife’s side to run to the hospital cafeteria to eat. So they should pack few snacks since it could be a long labor.

About an hour into my pushing phase, my husband pulled out his six-pack cooler and started eating a turkey sandwich and chips. Our labor nurse was not familiar with the advice the birth coach had offered. She was appalled that he would sit there and chow down while all I could do was suck ice and scream in pain.

“Look honey. This ain't no tailgate party,” she quipped. He was so embarrassed he put the food away instantly and didn’t eat again until he was at home 20 hours later.

Meanwhile, I was being prepared for a Caesarean after three hours of pushing and barely more than the crown visible. My wonderful doctor decided to try the “plunger” for a third and final time. And suddenly tiny shoulders emerged. Three more glorious pushes and Olivia Snow Smith was born.

I finished off his turkey sandwich to celebrate.

Tell us about your birth story. Why would only a natural birth do?. Why did you use a doula? Did you have him at home? Do you swear by the magic of the epidural? If you adopted, tell us about that first time you brought your baby into your home or if you were present in the birthing room.

Your responses may show up in the next issue of Go Momma magazine.

-- Katherine Snow Smith, Go Momma magazine editor

Baby's first year is a magical blur

 The other day I woke my daughter, looked into her big brown eyes and spoke words even I couldn’t believe I was uttering: Happy Birthday! We made it to the Big One.

My daughter’s first year is a magical blur. It began turtle-like with my four-day labor that kicked off on Super Bowl Sunday and then fast-forwarded to the moment my husband and I realized the doctors had actually sent our six-pound baby home with us, without instructions.

With help from a supportive family, I stayed home with the baby for nearly five months. For the first 30 days, my mother and mother-in-law helped ease the transition. Then, they went back to Georgia and turned us loose. I cried. What in the world was I supposed to do? What if I broke the baby? What if I couldn’t make enough milk? What if I passed out from exhaustion? What if the baby stopped breathing during the night?What if I punched the well-meaning lady in Dillards who sauntered over, took my baby’s fingers out of her mouth and suggested we try a pacifier to break finger-sucking? The nerve! The germs! Thank goodness Momma stayed calm. After all, if I went to jail, who would raise my girl?

My neighbors could have fired the night-watchman in our deed-restricted community. I barely slept. I kept one eye trained on my girl at all times. I was always up along with Suze Orman and a dizzying array of tv pitchmen.

I also ate like a linebacker to keep my milk production high. Somebody should have told me that Oreos at 3 a.m. will stick to Mummy’s tummy even if one is nursing.

By the time I went back to work, our little family had hit a stride. We had a schedule that seemed to soothe our colicky little one. We’d experienced some major milestones including our first plane ride, several car trips to Georgia and nights, full nights, filled with sleep. And, yes, despite having baby monitors, I got up several times at night to make sure the baby was still breathing.

Slowly but surely, we began to gain confidence as parents. Said confidence was quickly dashed, however, whenever the baby fell ill. Why did she have a fever of 104? What was the source of her infection? How do we help her clear her stuffy nose when she won’t abide the nasal aspirator and the humidifier doesn’t seem to be working? Wasn’t breastfeeding supposed to prevent this stuff? And why did we get every sickness that she got times three?

We monitored every pound our daughter gained and lost, read every first-year parenting book we could stand and listened to advice both solicited and unsolicited. In the end, we learned to trust ourselves. We also realized that the dishes could wait and a little dust never hurt anybody. Spending time with our daughter was most important.

Our girl is an adorable, fiercely determined, vocal and now, extremely mobile toddler. We know we’re blessed. We’re thankful that she survived – no, thrived – in her first year. So did we.

-- Sherri Day

[Photos.com]

Family reunions mean everything now

This summer, with our little girl in tow, my husband and I drove to Georgia for a family reunion. It was a gathering of my husband’s extended family, a biennial event we often dismiss cavalierly. But something about the birth of our daughter made us realize that we need to connect with family in a meaningful way.

On the way there, we stopped in the little town of Axon, Ga. There, I introduced my daughter to her great Uncle Phillip. At 61, he is my father’s youngest and sole living brother. When I was a child, Uncle Phillip was an Adonis of a man, an army reservist and trash talker with a confidence and swagger that made women swoon and grown men shake their heads. Now, he sat before my family a shell of his former self, his body ravaged by chemotherapy and radiation treatments brought on by prostate cancer. Seeing him was one more reminder that time is promised to no one. My childhood heroes are growing old. Even I’ve got gray hair.

Uncle Phillip held our daughter close and jumped her on his knee. She giggled. He smiled, his lips parting to show what time and a daily cigarette habit had done to his teeth. I promised to call and make more of an effort to keep in touch.

At the reunion, relatives whose names we don’t know fawned over our daughter. Her great grandfather held her high for all to see. Someone said the reunion, now in its 40th year, must continue until my daughter was serving as its host. That brought loud applause at the family worship service. My daughter would be added to the family tree, the relatives said. It is 74 pages long. By getting to know the living branches of that tree, she  will discover her roots.

-- Sherri Day

Free books in Hillsborough County for kids

I’m all about giving my child every advantage she can possibly have, especially if it’s free. A program for Hillsborough County children promises to help jumpstart my daughter’s vocabulary and reading skills by providing her with free books. That’s right: F-R-E-E.

The program, which is funded in part by the Children’s Board of Hillsborough County, United Way of Tampa Bay and the library, provides any child who lives in Hillsborough County and who was born after Sept. 1, 2006, with one free book a month until her fifth birthday.

The catch? There isn’t one. It took only five minutes to walk into a public library and sign up for the program, dubbed Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library (yes, that Dolly Parton). Founded by Parton’s Dollywood Foundation, the program provides free books to children in 45 states regardless of a family’s income. Although the program is not new –- it started in Hillsborough County two years ago – few parents are taking advantage of it. So far, only 6,000 children have signed up for the program, a dismal showing given that an average of 18,000 children are born in Hillsborough County each year, library director Joe Stines said.

“We are still nowhere near even 50 percent, and we’d like to get that number higher,” Stines said. “The whole program is geared toward early literacy.”

To learn more, check out the St. Petersburg Times article. The Web-savvy among you can download an application at www.hcplc.org. Mail or fax it in. In about two months, books should start arriving in your mailbox. First up? Dolly Parton’s favorite: "The Little Engine That Could".

-- Sherri Day