Studios are stealing your money and won't allow critics to warn you

I'm not usually one to complain about my job because I know there are a lot of jobs out there that are tougher, and I've had a few. (Try 16 years of teaching public school while stringing for a major newspaper plus collegiate teaching, athletic coaching, roofing, hospital and floral deliveries, fast-food jockeying and other odd jobs.)

But when it comes to the point that making my current job tough is costing readers the chance to spend their money wisely, it's time to gripe. That's why I'm here, because ever since my infancy growing up in my dad's theaters, it's quality that counts.

Bottom line: Studios hide bad movies, or hold them back, or make them superficially available at tough times and places, so publications on strict deadlines will hopefully rely upon kinder reviews found on syndication wires. They've paid for many of those opinions, anyway. If you believe those tainted raves, it's your fault.

If Hollywood were a movie, it would be titled The Sting.

You haven't read Times reviews of some movies lately because the studios (a.) know I won't give an easy stamp of approval to mediocre or less fare like the (b.) junket whores they pay (through free trips and stays at lush places you and I could never personally afford) for positive reviews that (c.) you've shown a depressing tendency to fall for.

Most of those raves come from small-time reviewers -- in print, online or, most offensively, from shysters on TV -- who don't  want to be left off the invitation list for the next buy-off.

When you watch a TV review show that announces the studio has paid for promotional consideration, that's "code" for: "I had a great time outside the theater and want to do it again, so this movie, (fill-in-the-blank), is terrific... oh, and I had a great time chatting with stars for three minutes in front of a camera with lame, stock questions that'll fill time and satisfy our celebrity jones. It doesn't matter that the star(s) look at me with disdain or impatience veiled by contractual obligations, I'll have something for my photo or video scrapbook."

Just check this Web site: hollywoodbitchslap.com for a comprehensive list of offenders and you'll find a familiar name or two or more. Not mine, I'm proud to say.

Check the fine print on those TV and print ads for those names. When someone is listed as an NBC or Fox or whatever network reviewer, for example, they're probably from Salt Lake City or Boise or somewhere else podunk making an expense-paid weekend in L.A., N.Y. or Hawaii sound pretty good. Even Tampa may not be nice enough to overcome the temptation.

Put it this way: If someone gave you that trip, plane fare and extras entirely for free, would you really want to offer an honest opinion of a bad movie if honesty means you might not catch the next gravy train?

America is addicted to celebrity and junket whores are enablers.

One of my proudest interview moments occurred when I posed tough questions to the co-presidents of DreamWorks, which hadn't had a box office hit at the time despite its Spielberg/Geffen/Katzenberg connections.  One prez asked a p.r. flack who I was. The flack answered: "He's a P.O.W." The DreamWorks honcho nodded and silently departed. I asked the flack what that abbreviation meant and he answered: "Pays Own Way," meaning they couldn't control what I asked or wrote.

I'm cranked up because the p.r. firm for most major studios is yanking me around on a few upcoming releases. They don't want to conveniently make the movies available for review because the films are "delicate" sales that need either completely good reviews or none at all to turn a profit. I won't buy a ticket for them but you will and you'll likely be ripped-off.

We'll see how things play out before I start naming names, studios, p.r. firms or whatever it takes to allow me to do my job for your benefit.

Until then, wise up.

Comments

[Steve Persall]

The Man always tries to keep me down. Also the Mouse.

[Ryan Treacy]

Man, that stinks. I had some idea of studios paying off people for good reviews, but this is still pretty infuriating. Hopefully they'll start backing off and let you do your job properly.